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[Rexatality]

Fucking hell. I know I don't post a lot in this thread, but its truly devastating what happened to NIGHT-.

May he rest peacefully

 

[killdatninja]

Thanks for everyone's good thoughts, I don't visit threads like this too often. I passed this post on to a family member earlier today, they didn't know it could of been suicide (it was ruled auto accident), that made telling them even worse.

Despite his last post, I know he doesn't want to be defined by the relationship with his ex, if you look at his posts the past few days he was trying his best to get past that, he just needed more time.. NIGHT was on the road to recovery which is the worst part of this all, he was so close to self improvement but something caused him to leave us prematurely. I only wish he thought out for a second how much pain he would cause the ones he left behind.

I want to thank anyone who helped him out personally or just read his posts, you definitely helped him. He had been in dark places before, I'm not sure why he didn't reach out to anyone this last time, but I really wish he did. Now I'm sitting here thinking what I could of done differently, but we will never know.

 

[Ashes]

Thanks for everyone's good thoughts, I don't visit threads like this too often. I passed this post on to a family member earlier today, they didn't know it could of been suicide (it was ruled auto accident), that made telling them even worse.

Despite his last post, I know he doesn't want to be defined by the relationship with his ex, if you look at his posts the past few days he was trying his best to get past that, he just needed more time.. NIGHT was on the road to recovery which is the worst part of this all, he was so close to self improvement but something caused him to leave us prematurely. I only wish he thought out for a second how much pain he would cause the ones he left behind.

I want to thank anyone who helped him out personally or just read his posts, you definitely helped him. He had been in dark places before, I'm not sure why he didn't reach out to anyone this last time, but I really wish he did. Now I'm sitting here thinking what I could of done differently, but we will never know.

I am sorry for your loss Jam.

 

[mrkgoo]

Thanks for everyone's good thoughts, I don't visit threads like this too often. I passed this post on to a family member earlier today, they didn't know it could of been suicide (it was ruled auto accident), that made telling them even worse.

Despite his last post, I know he doesn't want to be defined by the relationship with his ex, if you look at his posts the past few days he was trying his best to get past that, he just needed more time.. NIGHT was on the road to recovery which is the worst part of this all, he was so close to self improvement but something caused him to leave us prematurely. I only wish he thought out for a second how much pain he would cause the ones he left behind.

I want to thank anyone who helped him out personally or just read his posts, you definitely helped him. He had been in dark places before, I'm not sure why he didn't reach out to anyone this last time, but I really wish he did. Now I'm sitting here thinking what I could of done differently, but we will never know.

I only pop into these threads occasionally.

Sorry to hear about night. It's always a loss, even if you don't know them at all.

Reaching out for help, I suppose, works sometimes, but maybe you also get very tired of going there all the time.

On the issue of posts becoming "whose life is worse", I've always hated the notion of using a someone else's crappier situation to downplay one's own struggles.

There's obviously a spectrum and people fall differently on it. But just because you're not on the very end doesn't mean you're not struggling or that it's worth dismissing. It's like you might have broken your leg but your suffering isn't just gone because someone else has two broken legs.

Anyway, just stopping by to offer condolences.

 

[Ashes]

I just don't want him to be forgotten.

Yeah, I kinda figured. I'm not judging you or anyone else for the worse.Or judging anyone at all to be honest.

I was only trying to steer us toward a better platform for disseminating suicide news whether that be from news outlets to the public or more applicable to us, on a smaller scale, in community forums.

 

[jacob armitage]

I thought about messaging him but i didn't really know him, i wish i had.
Its amazing the effect people we don't even really know can have on us.

Well, it wasn't just the mental issues, apparently he doesn't believe in my physical disabilities either(Fibromyalgia, Systemic Rheumatoid Arthritis) or how I can be so exhausted and tired.
Thanks for the comforting words.

I'm sorry to hear that, i had a partner who suffered from it and the chronic symptoms were so hard on her.
I think i'm going to try to stay more active in this thread.
I'm very glad i live in Canada where we have quite a few resources for mental health support, and social assistance in general.

 

[Pamplemousse]

What a shame to hear about NIGHT-. His situation never seemed that hopeless to me. How sad that it ended like this.

 

[Freeza Under The Shower]

What a shame to hear about NIGHT-. His situation never seemed that hopeless to me. How sad that it ended like this.

yeah...
Then again, shame is a powerful thing, certainly when combined with other emotions. I have to admit I'm shocked he actually did it. The only other user I'm aware of would be Snaildog, and that was many years ago.

 

[SlickShoes]

I realise someone has recently died here so I'm sorry for posting and already feel like shite for doing so but I wanted to write down some stuff that I have no where else to do so,

Hopefully writing it down helps or someone has some advice.

I can't actually tell if I am depressed or not, i'm not sure what I am but I feel generally hopeless about everything at the moment.

I am currently living on my own in a very small town with my dog. I used to live here with my wife but she's recently taken a job overseas and is now working away from home for 9 months of the year.

I've moved a few times with her and the dog and i've never minded being far away from people I knew or only seeing friends a couple of times a month at best. Now that she's not living with me though I feel nothingness every time I come home to an empty house, I feel like everything is far away and that if I stopped existing it'd probably take weeks for anyone to actually notice.

My parents live about 60 miles away, I can't really talk to them because they just want to hear that I'm OK and I can't bring myself to tell them I'm not. They both recently retired and are just full of excitement for life with their new spare time and travelling. My in-laws are OK but I've never really shared anything with them and the mother in law makes a drama out of everything in her life so I doubt i'd get a word in anyway.

My best friend lives 70 miles away, he has chronic anxiety and depression and pretty much never leaves his house. We talk online every day on messenger sometimes on skype too. I can't talk to him about this because he has it 100x worse, he's been close to suicide a few times so me moaning about being lonely seems trivial in comparison.

My next best friend lives in another country, we only get to see each other about once a month. He's recently been diagnosed with MS so has his own issues to worry about.

I don't even know if these people are best friends with me, I have other friends but i rarely see them at all and living so far away I never just hang out with anyone, I think that people assume I have other friends but the reality is that I don't.

No one I know lives within 50 miles of where I am, a few folk from work live closer but they are all much older and with their own families and lives and arent making friends at work.

I can't talk to my wife about feeling like shit because the last thing I want is for her to feel even worse while she is working overseas and unable to help me with something that's bothering me so I spend every interaction with her pretending everything is OK. Sometimes it is OK, but she's had a few wobbly moments so I've helped her out of those and I've always been the stoic one that isn't bothered by anything but I am actually bothered by everything I just never articulate it to anyone.

I've thought about getting out to do things during the week but the dog is at home alone the whole time i'm at work, it was easy to manage when two of us lived here but now it's just me by the time I get in from work and sort out the house and the dog it's well past 7 30 and im tired and just want to sit down and forget about life for bit.

Food is about the only thing giving me enjoyment, but I strictly limit what I eat for fitness reasons and do go to the gym 4 or 5 times a week, I feel better after the gym but that fades in about half an hour and I'm back to normal.

I don't know where I am going with this at all but it's good to be able to dump it somewhere. I feel like I'm just spinning in the mud going nowhere. My wife is taking the bulk of our money as I want her to be comfortable overseas and not have to worry about things. Ideally i'd go and join her but our dog travels badly and he's now in his old age so i'm not convinced he'd survive the flight.

I know lots of people have it worse than me, I'm just not sure why I exist, nothing terrible happens to me, nothing great happens to me. I've tried taking opportunities that come along and it's generally been good but saying YES has ended up with my wife working overseas and me living in a big empty house in the countryside miles away from anything. If I never had a hyper active dog I doubt i'd be bothered to get out of bed in the morning some days.

Sorry if this all seems completely trivial garbage, I needed to put it somewhere and read it back. I've no idea how i'd tell this to my GP, he seemed to barely listen when I broke my ribs so I dunno how this would go down.

 

[valkillmore]

GAF, I'm sorry to report that NIGHT- is no longer with us, thank you all who tried to point him in the right direction. I don't know any details, or even if the family knows any details. I've known NIGHT- for over 15 years, this is not the memory I will have of him, I'm going to miss you Derek... Now you're making me not only mourn but have to notify the family of possibly your last words. I really wish you would of just told us.

I am shocked and disturbed by this. RIP

 

[killdatninja]

Slick, and this goes for anyone else debating on posting in this thread after reading the last 2 pages... please post any and all of your troubles no matter how little or major they are, everyone is here to listen what you have to say. Please, please post, and never take the road my friend did.

NIGHT- was someone special in my life, but he's gone now, nothing I can do can bring him back. I debated on even posting about his death, I for one, was better off not knowing and I figured the rest of the world would be too. The truth is, I'm glad I got some closure, and GAF was always one of his favorite life escapes when things weren't going good. If he was still around, he would be reading this thread and hoping everyone the best.

I really wish the best for everyone in this thread, if there is anything to learn is that we all have our own problems, others might not understand them fully, but there are people out there who listen and help when possible. This thread is proof of that, again thanks to everyone who tried and help my friend (or he helped out). I'm probably not checking back in this thread/forum for a bit, it's a little too much for me right now. I keep reading NIGHT-'s posts and I just can't help but catch some feels (especially right now during work... when i should be working).

 

[Ashes]

I can't talk to my wife about feeling like shit because the last thing I want is for her to feel even worse while she is working overseas and unable to help me with something that's bothering me so I spend every interaction with her pretending everything is OK. Sometimes it is OK, but she's had a few wobbly moments so I've helped her out of those and I've always been the stoic one that isn't bothered by anything but I am actually bothered by everything I just never articulate it to anyone.

Hmm.. This is a difficult one. You make a lot of good points. I'd think about that internal monologue in your head. Try and observe how mean it is to you sometimes. [More below..]

Thank you for bringing it up by the way. It reminded me that loneliness is a big disease in big cities for the elderly too. I say big cities, because, in a way, by sharing, you've already helped someone else by reminding me to do my bit in the big city that I live in.

You've a right to happiness Slickshoes. You'll always have GAF. So that's good. But for whatever reason, human beings need social interaction too.

I also think its wonderful how you're putting everybody's else need ahead of yourself. Wish there were more people like you in the world.

I think it's hard to socialise sometimes. Especially, when we're down, and our self esteem is broke.

What helps, I hear, is to not be so hard on yourself. That internal monologue, that constantly puts you down. That needs taking control of. Your GP for example is there to help. Yes. There are some crap GPs but by and large most are professional. But that monologue that's always belittling you without you realising, that needs to be taken aside, and told, you know what, sometimes, I am kind. Sometimes, I am considerate. I still need help in this one little area. So I'm going to have to talk to the GP.

You may even consider moving or having more holidays. Perhaps small town living just isn't the right fit for you. There's no need to let the world decide what's right for you.

 

[Violet_0]

I don't know where I am going with this at all but it's good to be able to dump it somewhere. I feel like I'm just spinning in the mud going nowhere. My wife is taking the bulk of our money as I want her to be comfortable overseas and not have to worry about things. Ideally i'd go and join her but our dog travels badly and he's now in his old age so i'm not convinced he'd survive the flight.

without knowing anything about your work situation, that seems like the best possible solution. A flight isn't going to kill your dog - which seems to be very fit for it's age regardless - and to voice a rather unpopular opinion, you should never hold back on your own life because of a pet. Take it with you or ask the people you trust to take care of it, even if only for a while

you are alone for 9 months, isolated from friends and family, and miserable. Perhaps it's time to consider moving again, the place clearly makes you unhappy and your wife doesn't live there for most of the year, your current living situation affects you the most

what you need to do most of all is to actually talk to your wife about how you really feel, or else you're stuck in this limbo

not that I'm super qualified to give any advice, that's just how I read it

 

[Ashes]

So a mod replied and kindly offered their condolences.

In regards to opening a new thread, they're of the opinion that since 'a memorial is already happening in the mental health thread, it should be left at that. A standalone thread will likely bring out some ugliness since a lot of people harbor ignorant positions on suicide.'

I think we'd be best to take advantage of their experience.

It is important to note that this thread does help people. Sometimes it's not quite so obvious or explicit. But it really does. Even if someone just clicks through to the op.

 

[Dipper145]

There was one morning when I woke up and was still feeling very suicidal and unsafe from the previous night. It was so bad, and I was so scared that I was going to do something, that I checked myself into the local hospital for a couple days. Initially I was scared that my life was over by doing so, that my parents and family would never look at me the same. So much so that I wasn't able to contact anyone from the hospital due to the intense shame I felt about the situation. Coming out of that situation all I heard from friends and family was how proud they were of me for being safe and how much courage it must have taken to go to the hospital at that time. It also made me realize that regardless of how not understanding some people are of mental health issues, I could have turned to them in my time of crisis if need be.

My life has gotten marginally better since then, each day is a struggle, but the hill gets less steep. I've been slowly building momentum towards getting better.

Seeing a fellow forum member turn to suicide really makes me grieve as I can see myself in that position. I'm sure we all wish we were able to reach out and help night in any way we could have. I am so sorry for the loss to all that knew him.

I advise anyone experiencing any suicidal thoughts to look up their local suicide crisis hotline right now and enter it into their phone under any name they choose. Maybe you won't ever need it, but maybe one day you will. That way it is already there in a time of crisis, and hopefully can prevent tragedy like this in the future. Having a pre-planned safety plan when in these kinds of crisis situations is very helpful for management and getting through it.

 

[Astral Dog]

There is no sense in saying rest in peace. It's not sleep, nor is it peaceful, nor is it rest. It's self destruction. And leaves a lot of collateral damage in its wake.

I am sorry that he couldn't reach out to someone. Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary feelings.

At the very least, somebody in this thread could had listened if he only reached out.

you dont know what are you talking about

 

[Ashes]

you dont know what are you talking about

What makes you believe that?

 

[Astral Dog]

What makes you believe that?

nevermind i saw your later post, but,never a good idea to correct someone saying Rest in Peace with a lecture on suicide and its consequences, this is not the time for that

 

[Ashes]

nevermind i saw your later post, but,never a good idea to correct someone saying Rest in Peace with a lecture on suicide and its consequences, this is not the time for that

Why do you believe this?

 

[SlickShoes]

without knowing anything about your work situation, that seems like the best possible solution. A flight isn't going to kill your dog - which seems to be very fit for it's age regardless - and to voice a rather unpopular opinion, you should never hold back on your own life because of a pet. Take it with you or ask the people you trust to take care of it, even if only for a while

you are alone for 9 months, isolated from friends and family, and miserable. Perhaps it's time to consider moving again, the place clearly makes you unhappy and your wife doesn't live there for most of the year, your current living situation affects you the most

what you need to do most of all is to actually talk to your wife about how you really feel, or else you're stuck in this limbo

not that I'm super qualified to give any advice, that's just how I read it

Yeah reading that bit back about the dog i'm just making excuses. Really my wife is only working for 1 year minimum or 2 years max there so it makes no sense to move, if it was long term I'd just go and take the dog at the moment if i never had a dog i'd maybe just join her but having him a job and mortgage here makes it harder and just more of a pain that it's not worth doing it all to come back in 6-12 months.

I should probably reach out to some people in real life.

Thanks for replying it made me read back some of what I wrote and actually think about it a bit more logically.

Ashes, I think if i was younger me i'd find making new friends a bit easier but as i've got older/lazier and more comfortable in my bubble i've completely lost that skill. You are correct that I should be trying to do more, holiday or even just going out somewhere, maybe visit my friend that lives overseas.

I do like small town living but doing it solo is a bit grim, I should really go to the docs and talk, I had anxiety a few years ago and the meds helped me deal with that and overcome it.

I just have this over bearing feeling that asking for help is failing, i know it's not but I feel like it is, sounds daft i know!

 

[neojubei]

GAF, I'm sorry to report that NIGHT- is no longer with us, thank you all who tried to point him in the right direction. I don't know any details, or even if the family knows any details. I've known NIGHT- for over 15 years, this is not the memory I will have of him, I'm going to miss you Derek... Now you're making me not only mourn but have to notify the family of possibly your last words. I really wish you would of just told us.

Jesus Christ. I am in shock right now. Didn't think it should be him or anyone here.

 

[Rexatality]

I feel like I desperately need a break from the internet for a little while. With the way things are going on now, I feel like I might get panic attacks or get more anxious than possible and I don't need that knowing I have finals next week and my future career is relying on my university grades

If you see me banned in the next few days, its because I'll be focused on my exams in the meantime.

Take care of yourselves all.

 

[many places]

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCD/comments/5fiaqo/x_post_from_rinfjsums_of_ocd_and_perfectionism/

The image posted in the above thread made me laugh. It is such a simple image with only text, but it hit me hard because of the way the text is worded and formatted. It makes me see that anxiety really is just an obnoxious bastard that screams because that is the power it wields.

I dunno , just made me laugh and see that anxiety is ridiculous at its core, and yet I fall prey to it everyday

 

[Veelk]

Okay, so I am in need of therapy or atleast medication.

I have no income at the moment, and no insurance.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can do to get some help?

 

[Xun]

RIP NIGHT-

 

[kaioshade]

I don even know how to process this still. It has happened a few weeks ago, and im still reeling from it.

I had a coworker when i used to work at Apple. Great guy, young, great disposition. He volunteered at his church, was a youth leader, amazing spiritual faith. Despite not being very religious myself, we had many conversations about faith and how he lived. No judgements, no nonsense.

I left apple after a few years, but we kept up through facebook, chatted every few weeks, kept each other up on life. Even helped him find a kitten for his new apartment. He bought a house, new car, and got a job at Chick-Fil-A corporate and doing well for himself.

Then i got the news from his mother. He chose to end his life. This person, who was so full of life, and even inspired me, was suddenly gone. We werent the closest of friends, but he was still a important part of my life. I wish i talked to him more, went out to meet up with him more, maybe i should have seen something, offered some help. I cant imagine what a seemingly perfectly happy person was fighting. I only wish i knew so i could maybe offer some help and advice. let him know he was loved, not only by me, but the many friends, and children he mentored and taught.

RIP Simon.

 

[rtcn63]

I've lived with emotionally and physically abusive family members since I was a child. I'm too old to be pitied, and it's clear that my only option is to continue putting up with it or leave.

Whatever. I'm just gonna try to make it to day to day. At least I don't have kids.

 

[NingenJanai]

I've lived with emotionally and physically abusive family members since I was a child. I'm too old to be pitied, and it's clear that my only option is to continue putting up with it or leave.

Whatever. I'm just gonna try to make it to day to day. At least I don't have kids.

I'm on the same boat, it really sucks.

 

[Astral Dog]

I had surgery yesterday, nothing too complicated but after the effect of the anesthetic wore off (thank God for this happiest i been in months alot of those existential fears started to creep in. like its normal to me but now they felt different , what im going to do with my life, how worthless i am, if im gonna die alone at an hospital, etc. combined with the high nausea its a truly dreadful feeling

Weirdest is that they went on and off all night and now im sure they will last at least couple weeks. anyways i know its probably a common experience but i wanted to tell this, maybe someone has gone through everyime they go to the hospital.?

 

[Pamplemousse]

I just want to fucking die. I'm so fucking tired of existing. I didn't consent to be born. Why can't I just be dead?

 

[half a moon]

Past two months have been good for the most part. Medication, help from mother, therapy. Progress.

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

.

 

[Izuna]

editL ;?

 

[How About No]

GAF, I'm sorry to report that NIGHT- is no longer with us, thank you all who tried to point him in the right direction. I don't know any details, or even if the family knows any details. I've known NIGHT- for over 15 years, this is not the memory I will have of him, I'm going to miss you Derek... Now you're making me not only mourn but have to notify the family of possibly your last words. I really wish you would of just told us.

I know I'm really late but I'm so sorry for your loss, and everyone else who know NIGHT- well. RIP

I remember some of the guy's threads and problems, but it isn't fair, this isn't how anyone's story should end...

 

[Spectone]

I just want to fucking die. I'm so fucking tired of existing. I didn't consent to be born. Why can't I just be dead?

Why? What's going on in your life?

 

[Pamplemousse]

Why? What's going on in your life?

I'm just miserable. I'm unhappy with myself and the world I have to live in. I'll be alone because no guy will find me attractive, and even if they do find me attractive, I don't understand how they can. I ruin any good thing I get.

 

[Jerbs]

Many of us are unhappy with the world in which we have to live. It's just the way it is now. Look for ways you can change the world around you. I know it seems hard, but whatever kind of funk you are feeling now, it can be overcome. Best wishes. PM me if you need to vent.

 

[User 479360]

This rut never seems to dissipate. I don't know how to get myself out of it.

My Dad and I had a discussion the other night, after he got mad at me for questioning whether dust from him doing puttying to fix drywall (you need to sand it) would get downstairs into my room. I blocked off the door with towels, and put a towel over the vent in the next room, but the stuff is heavier than air and shouldn't...yet it still bugs me.

He still doesn't seem to think I really have depression or anxiety, and thinks I self-diagnosed. Sure, I did, but it's also been backed up. "Based on what you told them." Sure, but it's not like they can plug a cable into my head and download diagnostics. I'm not making any of this shit up, and would prefer not to live like this.

I'd thought he'd become more understanding. In a way, he has, but he said he hasn't talked to me about it much because of my Mom's passing.

I hate that about mental illness. It's hard to prove. So people think you're just faking to not work or laze around.

If only they were in my head. Then again, he thinks it's something I've made up and should be able to stop thinking, but it's tough to explain that it doesn't work that way.

Every night when I go to sleep, I'm happy because I can relax. When I wake up, I groan because it's another shitty day to deal with. He wants me to try psychology and says my disability should cover it, but it doesn't because they're not medical doctors. It'll just pay for the transportation to and from if it's $15/month or more, while psychology is $200 an hour.

My OCD is so bad now that when I buy a new electronic, such as a Black Friday 3DS or console, I get too nervous to even set them up. I had a friend come over tonight and set things up for me because I couldn't do it.

I showered, then dusted the room, and even then -- despite the fact that I knew I wouldn't be setting them up -- my hands were still moist from nervous sweat.

 

[Jerbs]

This rut never seems to dissipate. I don't know how to get myself out of it.

My Dad and I had a discussion the other night, after he got mad at me for questioning whether dust from him doing puttying to fix drywall (you need to sand it) would get downstairs into my room. I blocked off the door with towels, and put a towel over the vent in the next room, but the stuff is heavier than air and shouldn't...yet it still bugs me.

He still doesn't seem to think I really have depression or anxiety, and thinks I self-diagnosed. Sure, I did, but it's also been backed up. "Based on what you told them." Sure, but it's not like they can plug a cable into my head and download diagnostics. I'm not making any of this shit up, and would prefer not to live like this.

I'd thought he'd become more understanding. In a way, he has, but he said he hasn't talked to me about it much because of my Mom's passing.

I hate that about mental illness. It's hard to prove. So people think you're just faking to not work or laze around.

If only they were in my head. Then again, he thinks it's something I've made up and should be able to stop thinking, but it's tough to explain that it doesn't work that way.

Every night when I go to sleep, I'm happy because I can relax. When I wake up, I groan because it's another shitty day to deal with. He wants me to try psychology and says my disability should cover it, but it doesn't because they're not medical doctors. It'll just pay for the transportation to and from if it's $15/month or more, while psychology is $200 an hour.

My OCD is so bad now that when I buy a new electronic, such as a Black Friday 3DS or console, I get too nervous to even set them up. I had a friend come over tonight and set things up for me because I couldn't do it.

I showered, then dusted the room, and even then -- despite the fact that I knew I wouldn't be setting them up -- my hands were still moist from nervous sweat.

OCD isn't uncommon. Parents and others just don't understand sometimes.

 

[User 479360]

OCD isn't uncommon. Parents and others just don't understand sometimes.

That is true. Very much so.

It's more the depression he doesn't exactly believe I have. I don't know why or get it. The OCD drives him nuts and he wants me to try to find a place of my own, which I'm doing through rent-geared housing, which will likely not be ideal but is all I'll be able to afford.

 

[pluginbaby121]

I was diagnosed with OCD. It sucks ass. My intrusive thoughts are what get to me. Violent, sexual, taboo stuff that drives me crazy. I wouldn't do any of them but they're there making me think I would.

 

[Xun]

This rut never seems to dissipate. I don't know how to get myself out of it.

My Dad and I had a discussion the other night, after he got mad at me for questioning whether dust from him doing puttying to fix drywall (you need to sand it) would get downstairs into my room. I blocked off the door with towels, and put a towel over the vent in the next room, but the stuff is heavier than air and shouldn't...yet it still bugs me.

He still doesn't seem to think I really have depression or anxiety, and thinks I self-diagnosed. Sure, I did, but it's also been backed up. "Based on what you told them." Sure, but it's not like they can plug a cable into my head and download diagnostics. I'm not making any of this shit up, and would prefer not to live like this.

I'd thought he'd become more understanding. In a way, he has, but he said he hasn't talked to me about it much because of my Mom's passing.

I hate that about mental illness. It's hard to prove. So people think you're just faking to not work or laze around.

If only they were in my head. Then again, he thinks it's something I've made up and should be able to stop thinking, but it's tough to explain that it doesn't work that way.

Every night when I go to sleep, I'm happy because I can relax. When I wake up, I groan because it's another shitty day to deal with. He wants me to try psychology and says my disability should cover it, but it doesn't because they're not medical doctors. It'll just pay for the transportation to and from if it's $15/month or more, while psychology is $200 an hour.

My OCD is so bad now that when I buy a new electronic, such as a Black Friday 3DS or console, I get too nervous to even set them up. I had a friend come over tonight and set things up for me because I couldn't do it.

I showered, then dusted the room, and even then -- despite the fact that I knew I wouldn't be setting them up -- my hands were still moist from nervous sweat.

I know how that feels with electronics.

I still treat my iPhone SE with such intensity that it drives me nuts.

 

[SugarDave]

I feel like I struggle to understand myself and my own feelings. I'm a generally quiet person but I know that when faced with meeting new people, I'm able to pull out a different persona and gel with the group. However, after my first week at work, I've discovered that I'm not as good at it as I thought and it's basically left me feeling isolated and unable to connect with anyone. I just sit there all day, practically mute, while the rest communicate with an ease that baffles me.

One of my issues is, I'm not even sure if I really want to fit in. While there is a part of me that genuinely craves human connection, I also recognise that once I'm engaged in it, I want nothing more than to be alone again. I had a conversation with my parents last night about my personality compared to my siblings and my dad commented that he feels like I consciously stop my personality from shining through, and I think he might be right. I'm starting to feel like I don't even really need the medication I'm taking, I don't particularly consider myself depressed at this point. I'm just an observer rather than a participant in the world, the real stinger is that all of the tangible aspects of life don't accommodate for that kind of personality.

A woman from HR called me in the other day to discuss my previous mental health issues based on my answers to the medical history questions on my application, so that was a nice gesture (even if I suppose she was obligated to do it). I said everything was fine now but I kind of wish I told her I was currently taking medication again, just to see what happens.

 

[JDHarbs]

I feel like I struggle to understand myself and my own feelings. I'm a generally quiet person but I know that when faced with meeting new people, I'm able to pull out a different persona and gel with the group. However, after my first week at work, I've discovered that I'm not as good at it as I thought and it's basically left me feeling isolated and unable to connect with anyone. I just sit there all day, practically mute, while the rest communicate with an ease that baffles me.

One of my issues is, I'm not even sure if I really want to fit in. While there is a part of me that genuinely craves human connection, I also recognise that once I'm engaged in it, I want nothing more than to be alone again. I had a conversation with my parents last night about my personality compared to my siblings and my dad commented that he feels like I consciously stop my personality from shining through, and I think he might be right. I'm starting to feel like I don't even really need the medication I'm taking, I don't particularly consider myself depressed at this point. I'm just an observer rather than a participant in the world, the real stinger is that all of the tangible aspects of life don't accommodate for that kind of personality.

I can relate to this. For so long now, I've felt like my mind is at war over who I think I should be vs who I am. Every attempt I make at trying to do what I should like making friends or dating ends with me in complete exhaustion. I don't know if it's because I'm just not used to it or if my mind simply can't handle that much stimulation. I just feel like a 5th wheel everywhere I am, even my own home. The only time I feel comfortable is when I'm alone.

I too feel more like an observer than a participant in this world, but I so wish I wasn't and I feel like I am simply being left behind while the rest of world gets to enjoy those perks of life. I guess that's why I haven't been able to improve much with my depression. I simply desire to be something other than myself, and every attempt to change that is trying to force something that just isn't going to work. Like a square peg in a round whole.

 

[Pamplemousse]

Has anyone else wanted to die for years? I know I have double depression, which is dysthymia coupled with episodes of major depression, but I wondered if anyone else has wanted to be dead for years at a time.

I haven't been "happy" since childhood.

 

[Steamlord]

Shouldn't have opened that "dating someone who lives with their parents" thread.

I have a bachelor's degree (in English, which means it's basically worthless) but I still live at home because I can't get a job due in part to the job market and in part due to my crippling anxiety that basically kills my chances the moment I walk into an interview, on the rare occasion I get one. I'll be 24 next month and every year it feels worse and worse that I haven't even started to figure this shit out yet. I'm thinking about going back to school but I don't know if it's because I actually want to learn more and get more career opportunities or if it's because it's an easy way of having a sort of faux-independence and making my life a little more interesting for another couple of years before falling back into this rut. And that's assuming I actually make the most of college this time around, because I totally wasted it in undergrad, only left my dorm/apartment for class and groceries and didn't make a single friend all four years. As much as I like to think I'd do it differently if I went back, I'm not so sure I would.

 

[JDHarbs]

Has anyone else wanted to die for years? I know I have double depression, which is dysthymia coupled with episodes of major depression, but I wondered if anyone else has wanted to be dead for years at a time.

Sounds brutal. I've certainly had thoughts about it, but never for that long.

I haven't been "happy" since childhood.

...and this is why. I want that happiness back in my life again.

Shouldn't have opened that "dating someone who lives with their parents" thread.

I have a bachelor's degree (in English, which means it's basically worthless) but I still live at home because I can't get a job due in part to the job market and in part due to my crippling anxiety that basically kills my chances the moment I walk into an interview, on the rare occasion I get one. I'll be 24 next month and every year it feels worse and worse that I haven't even started to figure this shit out yet. I'm thinking about going back to school but I don't know if it's because I actually want to learn more and get more career opportunities or if it's because it's an easy way of having a sort of faux-independence and making my life a little more interesting for another couple of years before falling back into this rut. And that's assuming I actually make the most of college this time around, because I totally wasted it in undergrad, only left my dorm/apartment for class and groceries and didn't make a single friend all four years. As much as I like to think I'd do it differently if I went back, I'm not so sure I would.

I'm in a very similar situation. Went to CC and lived at home so I missed out on the entire college life experience. Turning 24 soon, can't get a job with my little associates degree, and have had no freedom or independence in my life. I'm just simply not ready for the world yet. I want to go back, but I feel like I can't.

 

[Steamlord]

I'm in a very similar situation. Went to CC and lived at home so I missed out on the entire college life experience. Turning 24 soon, can't get a job with my little associates degree, and have had no freedom or independence in my life. I'm just simply not ready for the world yet. I want to go back, but I feel like I can't.

Yep, I definitely feel that.

 

[yepyepyep]

I wouldn't worry about having the whole university experience. In Australia, majority of people tend to live at home while studying; it seems in the US there is more cultural pressure for university to be this big thing.

 

[mozfan12]

I was diagnosed with OCD. It sucks ass. My intrusive thoughts are what get to me. Violent, sexual, taboo stuff that drives me crazy. I wouldn't do any of them but they're there making me think I would.

I've had this. It's infuriating and it feels like an endless cycle. It's one of the reasons why I always try to keep busy. I always feel that talking to people helps when I'm going through a tough phase. I know there are different coping mechanisms for each person but that's helped me in the past.