Jb and I have incurabled and poorly treated diseases. I won't tell you his, but mine is autoimmune. Painful treatments, hit or miss medicine, and now the opiate epidemic is making treatment for life long pain conditions even trickier. It's hard to have hope when someone tells you that you have to meditate more when your own immune system is eating your joints and organs.
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Mental Health |OT2| - Light in the Darkness
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Jb and I have incurabled and poorly treated diseases. I won't tell you his, but mine is autoimmune. Painful treatments, hit or miss medicine, and now the opiate epidemic is making treatment for life long pain conditions even trickier. It's hard to have hope when someone tells you that you have to meditate more when your own immune system is eating your joints and organs.
Fibromyalgia. Treatments exist but they're all terrible, drugs all originally meant for different illnesses. And because drug companies are making a fortune off of them, no one seems to care about coming up with better ones, much less a cure. And as it's a genetic illness, the latter seems unlikely in my lifetime.
I'm on strong painkillers now (when able to get them, at least, which is its own rant) but their downsides are obvious and the side effects make my already crippling fatigue even worse. I've spent all of today in a daze, trying to play a game but not really able to enjoy it because I feel so awful.
I don't really believe that living for a possible future cure is enough, especially with dark times coming. People are going to be too busy trying to survive to care about medical research. In that, we'll at least have something in common.
*big hugs to Media*
There's got to be something that you love doing that makes it worth it. We all experience pain, whether it's the same chronic illness, or debilitating mental illness, or crushing heartbreak, or love loss, or poverty, or war ravage, or a combination. You have to fight through it and find something you love doing that makes it worth the effort. Nothing in life comes worth doing comes easily. You just might need a support network to help you get there. Do you have friends or family or volunteers who can help??
*hugs for JB* At least we are stubborn assholes, yeah? Love ya man.
The problem is this: There's lots of things I love doing. I love writing, gaming, drawing, dancing, playing with my kids...now imagine every morning there's a chance that you will wake up with hands so swollen they won't move, or are literally unable to get out of bed. Do you know how much you CAN'T do when you can't use your hands? And I do have some support, but that's a catch 22 as well. My husband gets frustrated because I'm fucking useless 85% of the time. I hate being a burden to everyone. And being in constant pain is not something you can just push aside. It's always there.
Right now, I'm am only alive because I have kids. I wouldn't do that to them. But it keeps getting worse so I have no idea where I'll be in a year.
The problem is this: There's lots of things I love doing. I love writing, gaming, drawing, dancing, playing with my kids...now imagine every morning there's a chance that you will wake up with hands so swollen they won't move, or are literally unable to get out of bed. Do you know how much you CAN'T do when you can't use your hands? And I do have some support, but that's a catch 22 as well. My husband gets frustrated because I'm fucking useless 85% of the time. I hate being a burden to everyone. And being in constant pain is not something you can just push aside. It's always there.
Right now, I'm am only alive because I have kids. I wouldn't do that to them. But it keeps getting worse so I have no idea where I'll be in a year.
Pamplemousse
Member
jb and Media, you guys are troopers. I find life intolerable even without any health issues.
grap3fruitman
Banned
I was on Abilify in August-September and it put me into financial debt in that short time. I was living off my savings but Abilify made me spend that and then some. The pick-up threads are the proof. Manic spending is absolutely a side effect.
TheSuperSakura
Member
You should look around for pro Bono or income based therapy services. Most often they will be group therapy sessions but it's better than nothing. Or you can find online chat services, I've reached out to them a few times before. Or you can even message me if you want. I'll try to help best I can.
I'm in the middle of a divorce.
I've moved on, found a new girlfriend. It's pretty serious, we're moving in together once my lease is up.
Anyways, last week she had a minor stroke. Doctors have no idea what caused it, saying she is healthy.
She's lucky she caught it in time and there wasn't any major damage. She has moments of frustration when she can't find the right word, but otherwise everything is back to normal.
She was just hired last week, but will probably not be able to work for a bit. No idea if the company will keep her on since she technically hasn't started yet. Which would suck because she was going to save up 3 months for deposits when we move.
Anyways, ex-wife took the dog today and it's been super quiet in the house.
Thanks for letting me get it out.
I've moved on, found a new girlfriend. It's pretty serious, we're moving in together once my lease is up.
Anyways, last week she had a minor stroke. Doctors have no idea what caused it, saying she is healthy.
She's lucky she caught it in time and there wasn't any major damage. She has moments of frustration when she can't find the right word, but otherwise everything is back to normal.
She was just hired last week, but will probably not be able to work for a bit. No idea if the company will keep her on since she technically hasn't started yet. Which would suck because she was going to save up 3 months for deposits when we move.
Anyways, ex-wife took the dog today and it's been super quiet in the house.
Thanks for letting me get it out.
Please please never lose focus on the things you love doing. Do them as much as you can and be grateful when you can.
And I'm sorry to hear your husband gets frustrated but that is NOT your fault, but it's also not his fault really either... insofar as partners in a healthy relationship cannot avoid frustrating each other from time to time. Sometimes it's impossible to hide frustration. Everyone goes through it one way or another.
But please do not think you are a burden. If your husband thinks you're a burden, give me his phone number so I can talk some sense into him... but having said that, in a way, everyone is a burden on someone or something. Please focus on things you love doing and please just do your best not to focus on negative thinking like frustration or resentment or impatience or jealousy or whathaveyou. Be a hero for your kids and I hope your kids and your husband will be heroes for you.
Dr_Boris_Goltz
Banned
Christ... I hope it's something I can get used to. I know the enormous appetite it originally gave me is subsiding, so maybe there's a chance.
Thank you for being a kind person. It's very, very, very hard not to think I'm a burden when I can't work and a large portion of our money goes to my medical bills. If I could help out in any way, yeah, I'd feel like less of a burden. And yes, he thinks I'm a burden, as he well should. I can pick up after the kids and him sometimes, I can cook dinner occasionally, but otherwise? Yeah. I think there'd be more screaming if I didn't put out as much as I do, at least I can usually still do that. At least I eat very very little.
My kids have stepped up. My 13 year old does all the dishes. Do you know how much that hurts? I know he should be helping at this point anyhow, but for him to HAVE to help because mom is fucking useless...it hurts.
Sorry for the whine fest. I know a lot of yall have it worse than me. I know eventually maybe it'll get better. I just hate that no one I know aside from jb understands actual physical pain. No one gets that it's depressing in itself. And it never stops.
I'll stop whining now. Thank you for being awesome and encouraging. Everyone around here could really use that. Keep at it. I wish I could do more to help people too.
Well, I think I have finally reached my breaking point. I just can't bring myself to care about myself or my life anymore. All that's holding me together is caring about how my absence would affect my family and friends. Managed to get two weeks of leave from work only to come back today and make it halfway through the day before absolutely collapsing in my own head.
fliesatnight
Neo Member
It's often hard for me to find the energy to express myself so I don't post much, even though I've read almost every post in this thread, but it feels like I'm in a similar boat as the two of you in regard to chronic pain. I've had panic disorder, undiagnosed nerve pain and constant headache for many years but the health issues that are destroying my quality of life have hit very recently. Music was one of the most important things in my life but my ears are so sensitive now from auditory nerve damage and tinnitus that it's difficult to enjoy listening, and my acid reflux disease has progressed to the point that I can't eat anything with salt, sugar, or fat in it.
One night last month I took 15 mg of Remeron in the hope that it would help me sleep and it appears to have triggered full-blown Willis-Ekbom Disease in both my arms and my legs with almost round-the-clock symptoms. It alternates between mild to severe pain and and an uncomfortable feeling like my nervous system has an itch I can't scratch. It's been almost three weeks now and I've barely been able to sleep. There are treatments for WED but like most chronic pain meds, they can cause fatigue and other side effects. The doctor's appointment I was able to get is a week away so I guess I just have to try and make it until then.
Icomp
Member
It's been a long time since i posted here. I got diagnosed as bipolar type 2 in october which is good. I'm on stable medication and has been since January after an attempted suicide. I'm happy it never happened, I was too impulsive and my mind was in chaos.
I finally feel somewhat at peace, although I'm always afraid something will trigger the "I don't need medication this is all bullshit"-mode since it destroys so much and clouds my mind.
I'm going in therapy right now to deal with my personalty, going back to when I was younger. I'm hoping I can go to a different but similar therapy where I get the tools to deal with the symptoms that I'm going either up or down.
Luckily I have the most amazing girlfriend to support me in this.
Just wanted to vent. Feel free to pm me if you have any questions.
I finally feel somewhat at peace, although I'm always afraid something will trigger the "I don't need medication this is all bullshit"-mode since it destroys so much and clouds my mind.
I'm going in therapy right now to deal with my personalty, going back to when I was younger. I'm hoping I can go to a different but similar therapy where I get the tools to deal with the symptoms that I'm going either up or down.
Luckily I have the most amazing girlfriend to support me in this.
Just wanted to vent. Feel free to pm me if you have any questions.
I feel like I need to vent, in a way.
Not too long ago, I was told something that... well... sucks in a few ways.
It's essentially something where I can say "I told you so, SO many times." Where someone else has made a sort of mistake that, I only know about because they regret. Despite my very clear warnings, too. They didn't want to tell me because they knew I would protest, so it was sort of a "well fuck it, I'mma do it" sort of it.
Now, it's also the sort of thing where I've lost all respect for the person. I'm no longer worrying about what's going to happen to this person, and in a way that's a little bit scary.
It's scary because there are so many times where I should have felt this way towards this person, and for better reasons probably, but it's only now. I've lost the ability to convince myself that it was their mistake.
Anyway, since I'm being non-specific about what happened, that's not important.
Is it ever okay to just... offer no way for the person to earn my respect? Cut them off entirely and move on?
Not too long ago, I was told something that... well... sucks in a few ways.
It's essentially something where I can say "I told you so, SO many times." Where someone else has made a sort of mistake that, I only know about because they regret. Despite my very clear warnings, too. They didn't want to tell me because they knew I would protest, so it was sort of a "well fuck it, I'mma do it" sort of it.
Now, it's also the sort of thing where I've lost all respect for the person. I'm no longer worrying about what's going to happen to this person, and in a way that's a little bit scary.
It's scary because there are so many times where I should have felt this way towards this person, and for better reasons probably, but it's only now. I've lost the ability to convince myself that it was their mistake.
Anyway, since I'm being non-specific about what happened, that's not important.
Is it ever okay to just... offer no way for the person to earn my respect? Cut them off entirely and move on?
Of course it's fine to do that. I of course don't know the reason why you're wanting to do this, but sometimes you just need to flat out cut people out of your life. I've had to do it with a person that was abusing my friendship and at one point intentionally used my feelings to hurt me (and another person while she was at it, since said feelings involved that other person). Never will a person like that earn my respect and friendship again. Unfortunately that had its own unintended consequences (shows you who your real friends are
), but it needed to be done regardless.I mean unless the reason is small and a one-off (ugh that guy got a puppy and it tore his house up *I told him so*!), then yeah you shouldn't feel bad about it. But from what you've given it sounds like both a big thing and not the first time they've done something questionable, so no regrets there.
Of course it's fine to do that. I of course don't know the reason why you're wanting to do this, but sometimes you just need to flat out cut people out of your life. I've had to do it with a person that was abusing my friendship and at one point intentionally used my feelings to hurt me (and another person while she was at it, since said feelings involved that other person). Never will a person like that earn my respect and friendship again. Unfortunately that had its own unintended consequences (shows you who your real friends are
I mean unless the reason is small and a one-off (ugh that guy got a puppy and it tore his house up *I told him so*!), then yeah you shouldn't feel bad about it. But from what you've given it sounds like both a big thing and not the first time they've done something questionable, so no regrets there.
Thanks...
Yeah, I guess I also feel very relieved that I can wholeheartedly feel like it's time to cut them off.
I'm positive that's one of the suicidal depressive's main go-to's when it comes to trying to fight back against their own will to fall apart. You're trying to convince yourself that others would hurt if you were gone, or at least, that you'd hurt knowing your death caused them pain. So at least you're still alive in there somewhere. Or, wanting to be.
I want to say don't give up. I want to say you're not as alone as you think you are. I want to say all these things that frankly, I'm not sure even I believe. But I want to say that I need to. So maybe I'm not entirely dead inside either.
Have some coffee?
Booker Dewitt
Member
Just got back home from a three day stint in a psych ward for suicidal ideation. I met some really great people in there. Don't know how much specifically the treatments they gave me worked, but the nature of spending a lot of time with people in a ten by ten common area means you made relationships fast. I lucked out and got a group that were really receptive to new people, and I tried to keep that going as people left and more people came in. Felt like I got closer to those people in a couple hours than people I've worked alongside for months.
Being home, it feels weird. I don't want to be here, like I want to just get on a bus and just go somewhere.
I got a prescription for Prozac, visitation and Trazodon, gonna wait a day to actually fill them though.
Being home, it feels weird. I don't want to be here, like I want to just get on a bus and just go somewhere.
I got a prescription for Prozac, visitation and Trazodon, gonna wait a day to actually fill them though.
It's not about being alone because I have many wonderful people I can surround myself with, but there's this part of me that just doesn't care anymore. Had a two week leave of work, went back yesterday, and just couldn't do it. I have just spent so much time being miserable that I don't care about any responsibilities that I have anymore. I spent a good amount of time trying to put things back together to how they were before where I managed, but I realized that the game isn't the same when all of the pieces have changed. The winning strategy to complacency doesn't work anymore. A lot of what drove me before was just fear, but without that fear I don't have any drive.
I think I get it. No matter how you look at your lemons and count your blessings, your natural state seems to be misery, at least part of the time. For some people it's just not something that can helped, they're built that way.
Are you seeking professional aid or on any medication? You have friends, a job, you should really consider talking to someone in the know. It's either this or finality. Don't accept the latter without an honest fight.
I feel phenomenal. The person who had control over how I felt for a while has lost my respect enough that I've cut off all possibilities of contact, and I haven't even thought much about it. There's that, and the fact that I found out what happened in the sense that they made a mistake that they regret, that I warned about. I feel vindicated because a lot of life choices I have made has been to prevent it.
It's a lovely feeling. I feel somewhat reborn. I'm not in the best situation but I really can only look up right now. It's going to feel even more amazing when I walk out of the exam tomorrow knowing I did super well (we get our grades the next day I think).
I couldn't do this before. I had 2 different counsellors over 2 years who couldn't understand why I put this person before myself no matter how disappointed I'd get. I know that's a trait I have and I have the opportunity to be careful now. I love helping others, and fixating that attribution onto the same person just made it an impossible task.
Thank you all for listening to my bullshit. The two toxic things in my life are being put behind me.
I hope you feel a warm glow when the sun next rises.
It's a lovely feeling. I feel somewhat reborn. I'm not in the best situation but I really can only look up right now. It's going to feel even more amazing when I walk out of the exam tomorrow knowing I did super well (we get our grades the next day I think).
I couldn't do this before. I had 2 different counsellors over 2 years who couldn't understand why I put this person before myself no matter how disappointed I'd get. I know that's a trait I have and I have the opportunity to be careful now. I love helping others, and fixating that attribution onto the same person just made it an impossible task.
Thank you all for listening to my bullshit. The two toxic things in my life are being put behind me.
I hope you feel a warm glow when the sun next rises.
I'm about 5 weeks into Cipralex (Lexapro/Escitalopram). It's been life-changing. It's really corrected my generalized anxiety, which was utterly crippling most days this summer/fall. (but which wasn't really a thing as recently as last year)
Some side effects (some aren't even undesirable!), but the only problematic one is that I think it's worsening my tinnitus.
Which was a major cause of my anxiety in general anyway!
Alas. I'm waiting it out to see if it's this throat/cold that's making it worse, or this drug. Time will tell.
Some side effects (some aren't even undesirable!), but the only problematic one is that I think it's worsening my tinnitus.
Which was a major cause of my anxiety in general anyway!
Alas. I'm waiting it out to see if it's this throat/cold that's making it worse, or this drug. Time will tell.
So, from time to time I find myself stricken with a feeling of loneliness, and it's happening again now. It's perhaps an odd feeling - I have friends, I live with two great housemates (even if our differing work schedules mean we can go a few days without seeing each other) and am not a huge shut-in, but, nonetheless, sometimes I just feel utterly lonely. Probably doesn't help that I'm single and... frankly, every attempt I've made at relationships or dating in the last few years has been so fruitless I stopped bothering.
Any advice? Beyond this, mentally I feel pretty much fine at the moment. Me and my housemates will be moving in a few months and I'll be pushing for us to get a pet then. Maybe that'll help.
Any advice? Beyond this, mentally I feel pretty much fine at the moment. Me and my housemates will be moving in a few months and I'll be pushing for us to get a pet then. Maybe that'll help.
I am so sorry hon, I wouldn't wish a chronic pain condition on anyone. I hope they figure it out soon and that it's treatable *hugs* I'm here if you ever need to whine, Lord knows that helps even if just a tiny bit
Pamplemousse
Member
I hope everyone here is doing as well as they can be. I'm at the lowest I've been in a while. I just wish I could end my sorrow.
Ending your sorrow is possible though for sure not very easy. It starts with one change, then shortly after that another and eventually with enough small changes it'll snowball into a avalanche of changes for the better. For the longest time I thought I had to have a great big change over night to be happy which really held me back. I hope that maybe that kind of approach will help you out as it did for me.
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling unhappy, mate. What's been going on?
fliesatnight
Neo Member
Thank you. Some whining during the coming weeks seems pretty likely. Didn't sleep much last night, I tossed and turned through the discomfort in my arms for two hours at 9 am and then finally passed out for another hour or two at 4. Just realized my sleep-deprived brain mistook my January 20th appointment with my PCP for December 20th, and then I called my neurologist to double check my December 22nd appointment to find they had canceled on me because of a scheduling error. I was able to get an appointment with a different neurologist, although it's not for another month.
This is something that I always struggled with. I often felt I had too much to fix with myself so I would get discouraged from trying easily. In the past year and a half I have begun taking small steps and my life was improving until I hit a major setback recently. I got really low because of it, but continue to fight through it and take more small steps. It's all anyone can really do.
Booker Dewitt
Member
Got a text from one of the dudes I was I'm the ward with today, and plenty of hugs from coworkers since it was my first day back. It's nice to know that I actually have people who care about me in this state, which I thought I could count on one finger before I was commited.
Also visited the outpaitient therapist and fast tracked a intake interview to expedite the process of finding a long term doctor.
Also visited the outpaitient therapist and fast tracked a intake interview to expedite the process of finding a long term doctor.
Glad to hear you got some help! It's always great to hear that people got the help they needed. If nothing else, the reminder that people do care about you can be really powerful.
Pamplemousse
Member
I'm just not happy with myself and my life. I don't wanna be alone but feel like it's inevitable because of how I am. I'm unattractive and awkward and always have been. I'm tired of going on like this.
This guy has been kinda talking to me, and we hooked up a little. I just don't know what to make of it. He could do so much better. I don't understand why he talks to me. I just know that there's no way it would end well. Everytime I look in the mirror I just feel defeated, and I have other undesirable issues.
Honestly, I'm so tired of this life. It's all the little things combined together that make it so difficult. I can never feel good about anything.
It seems like you have problems with self-loathing and low self-esteem. You need to get out of the mindset that people mistakenly like you.If you are having hookups then obviously people find you attractive, regardless of what you may think.
Is your depression just due to intimacy issues or are there other triggers? What goals are you currently working towards?
There have been times in my life where I have found myself incredibly lonely even when surrounded by loving people. A lot of the time it has to do with a need for a real connection, something deeper than superficial conversations.
I'm guessing you would like to be in a relationship but just because it hasn't worked out in the past doesn't mean it's not going to happen in the future. I think the best way to go about it is to be open to whatever happens but don't get wrapped up in expectations. Just be aware of what it is you want and stay in the present moment. Look around at what you have now and try to focus on what you're grateful for.
Maybe the change in environment will be good for you. Sometimes when we make big life changes, like moving, opportunities for smaller changes come our way quite naturally.
I'm guessing that you're an incredibly sensitive, intelligent and creative person.
Maybe you don't believe me but I've read quite a few of your posts here and you've shown that you're quite in tune with your emotions, you've shown that you are empathetic towards other people here, and you've shown that you have a lot of self-awareness.
The problem with being intelligent and sensitive is that you have the ability to see all of the things you're dissatisfied with about your life and about yourself simultaneously. Once you've taken all of those things, put them together, and created that picture it can be really painful to look at. The thing is though that it's only a reflection of things you've focused on. What you've left out is the beauty and the positive qualities. When someone challenges the picture you've created you might not want to hear it because, well, you've spent all this time making it! And it's absolutely convincing. If someone says you're smart you think yeah but what about these other 6,510 things that I don't like about myself that I have piled up and spent a lot of time reflecting on.
If someone shows an interest in you, keep in mind that maybe they see something in you that you don't see in yourself. Yeah, it might not end the way you want, but starting with the assumption that you're not good enough is probably going to self-sabotage the opportunity. You are good enough. And don't twist the fact that you have a negative self-image against you either. It's not a burden and it's not a diagnosis. It can change and it can grow over time.
You said you were happy with you were a child. Well, when you were a child you weren't reflecting on what it is you don't like about yourself. Children don't think about those things at all. Children are content with just being. Try returning to that state of mind. You can practice mindfulness, exercise, do yoga, read about philosophy or psychology - whatever it is that you find interesting.
Sorry if this is all way off base. I guess I can see my younger self in your posts.
Don't overthink things. If this hookup becomes nothing more than something casual, let it.
And... maybe learn to accept that being alone isn't the worst. I know how horrible that sounds, since it's the feeling of rejection and unwant that's likely lead to your current insecurity over the years, and the fear of things never changing and the status quo being nothing you'd want to keep waking up to but... don't overthink this. Don't try to make sense of people, it's a fool's errand. Have fun, but take precautions when it comes to even the trivial of potential romances. You will get used. You may get the urge to user others. Protect yourself first and foremost.
Pamplemousse
Member
Thanks for replying, guys. I'll try to consider the advice and input you gave.
Thanks to everyone who posts in this thread for whatever reason. It's good to know that we aren't alone in our struggles and other share similar stories of overcoming or just on going battles. Everyone in here is a fighter and it gives me strength in keeping up the good fight myself against mental illness.
This year has been overall a upward trending year for me with a few dips and low points mainly due to financial crisis and the stress and depression they brought. I started the year living at home doing nothing really as I went to therapy to ready myself for basically starting my life for real at 28. I had a 2 really good friends online who helped push me as well as here for support. I applied for jobs and got interviewed but turned down which crushed me. Then one day a place I applied for 3 months before all this finally calls and sets up a interview. A week later I find out I have a job and I am elated and at the same time really scared. I hadn't been around other people in forever for long periods of time I questioned if I could even function outside of my house. First 2 weeks there were easy in sense the job wasn't hard but I didn't really open up til the third week or so after realizing there was nothing to really worry about.
Time has gone by sense then and at first I was a middling at best at my job. I felt like crap cause I wasn't getting the results I wanted and I thought to myself this is just as good as I get. Then our team got a new supervisor and he took an interest in me and pushed me and was real hands on. 3 months later I am almost the top ranked agent in the building and I want to do even better cause I know I can achieve it if I just apply myself. I know for some 2016 has been just a shit show of a year but I have to say this is probably the best year of my adult life so far. I really hope that all of you struggling can pull through and overcome the things holding you down/back. If I can go from a hermit of six years who probably didn't spend more than a day outside in a given year during that span with all kinds of quirks and mental problems to were I am now I believe just about anyone can. Let's all take a collective step forward into this new year coming up and start off positive!
This year has been overall a upward trending year for me with a few dips and low points mainly due to financial crisis and the stress and depression they brought. I started the year living at home doing nothing really as I went to therapy to ready myself for basically starting my life for real at 28. I had a 2 really good friends online who helped push me as well as here for support. I applied for jobs and got interviewed but turned down which crushed me. Then one day a place I applied for 3 months before all this finally calls and sets up a interview. A week later I find out I have a job and I am elated and at the same time really scared. I hadn't been around other people in forever for long periods of time I questioned if I could even function outside of my house. First 2 weeks there were easy in sense the job wasn't hard but I didn't really open up til the third week or so after realizing there was nothing to really worry about.
Time has gone by sense then and at first I was a middling at best at my job. I felt like crap cause I wasn't getting the results I wanted and I thought to myself this is just as good as I get. Then our team got a new supervisor and he took an interest in me and pushed me and was real hands on. 3 months later I am almost the top ranked agent in the building and I want to do even better cause I know I can achieve it if I just apply myself. I know for some 2016 has been just a shit show of a year but I have to say this is probably the best year of my adult life so far. I really hope that all of you struggling can pull through and overcome the things holding you down/back. If I can go from a hermit of six years who probably didn't spend more than a day outside in a given year during that span with all kinds of quirks and mental problems to were I am now I believe just about anyone can. Let's all take a collective step forward into this new year coming up and start off positive!
Seems like sound advice, so thanks for replying. Genuine connection is difficult for me - a combination of poor social skills, trust issues and a self-reliant streak that makes it difficult for me to accept I need others - but it's something I'd like to work on in the new year.
Okay, I'm gonna make a long winded and possibly incoherent post. I also am not expecting many replies bc of it. I haven't posted ITT before, and it's been a few years since I tried to seek help from strangers on the Internet for anything.
I haven't really had mental health problems before this year. At least not anything I can quantify, or that I recognized. I've always been a pretty standard guy. I used to be pretty introverted, but now I'm fairly extroverted - just not overly social. I'm happy to talk to whoever, whenever, and I like being fun and goofy and whatever in public, I don't have fears of what people think of me. But I'm also pretty terrible at being bake to meet new people. I've got this thing where I need to always be doing something, or I feel basically useless. "Doing something" can be anything though - sitting in a coffee shop, going for a walk, just sitting inside someone's house on my phone.... anything other than sitting at home alone or at work. I hate being alone. I spend way too much time in coffee shops just because I live alone and need the comfort of having people around me. Hell, if I had friends that were willing to literally just come and chill at my place on their phones, I'd love it. I don't need to be interacting with people, just knowing someone's there makes me feel good, I guess.
This past February, I met this amazing girl, on tinder. She was basically perfect, which is the most cliché thing I can possibly imagine myself saying. I've dated a bunch of people in the past, and all of them have had SOME of the qualities I look for, but this girl had everything. We got along better than anything, we matched up so perfectly it was incredible.
I had told her initially that I just wanted to be friends, which she was okay with. She was moving 4 hours away for school in September. I had tried a relationship before that started in-town and eventually became long distance, and it was terrible and miserable. So I didn't want that again, which is why I told her I just wanted to be friends. We hung out like, every day. Did everything together. After a few weeks, the connection was too strong, and I needed to date this girl. She was so phenomenal and I've never gotten along with anyone better. So we started to date. But I knew that we'd have to breakup come September, so I didn't want to get too attached. After a bit, she mentioned to me that she had told her friends that she wanted me to be the last guy she would ever date. 3 months in, I could easily see marriage eventually, and we had talked about names for children and shit (I mean... Neither of us were planning anything immediate, obviously. It was just one of those things).
In late spring, I started having a bunch of trouble concentrating at work. Couldn't pay attention while coworkers were talking, constantly needed to get up and go for walks, leg shaking, etc. At my girlfriend's recommendation, I went to see a doctor. Now, she was no stranger to mental health. She had PTSD from past sexual trauma as well as strong anxiety. So I went to the doctor, was diagnosed with ADHD, and tried a few different pills over the course of a few months before finding one that worked.
The problem was, and I didn't realize this, I started having horrible side effects. The pills bumped my anxiety up BIG time. Panic attacks consistently, times I'd disassociate and just be staring off into the distance, times I'd be throwing anxious fits and crying etc. I didn't make the connection that this was anxiety, or that it was caused by the pills.
Meanwhile, with the girl I was dating, I had been acting odd as fuck. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was subconsciously sabotaging the relationship. I was getting so attached to her, and every time I noticed I was, I'd go into anxiety attacks knowing that I'd need to break up with her in a few months. I was taking it out on myself, and as a result, she thought I was angry / taking things out on her. In the middle of the night, I'd get up to go for a walk for 45 minutes to calm my anxiety from how much I loved her despite knowing what was to come. When I'd come back, she'd be awake and crying because she thought I was angry. There were other times where I'd get upset with her over nothing, things I didn't give a shit about, like her dog sleeping on our bed. I didn't know why I'd do that. I realize now that I was subconsciously trying to give us some sort of reason to break up, to justify breaking up with her before she moved away.
She also was dealing with my anxiety. Constantly trying to calm me down, constantly being so supportive, dropping everything to come help me, be by my side and hold me during my anxious fits. I tried to be there for her during hers, and I wanted to so bad, but it's hard to be there for someone else when you feel like you're dying inside.
This went on for months. The anxiety just got worse the closer to September we got.
The night before she moved away, I had this giant panic attack. The biggest ive ever had. I had realized that I didn't want to break up with her, at all. And I had realized how I had been acting the entire summer. How I had treated her and made her constantly be there for me. Asked her not to hang out with her friends some nights, because I needed her there for me. I felt awful, and guilty as anything. But I didn't want to tell her, because I thought she'd be mad that in the back of my mind during our entire relationship had been "I'm going to break up with her in September". I ended up calling her, and I think I made it sound like I was going to die. She left me a voice mail crying, scared that I was going to kill myself. I'm not sure I've ever made someone more upset than she was. It scares me to this day that i did something that made her think that would happen. I just vowed to myself to be better from then on.
I went up to see her once, during her birthday. She was really happy.
Anyway, in October, she broke up with me. It came out of nowhere. Just 2 weeks before, she had introduced me to her grandparents that lived up near her school. She'd still tell me (without me instigating) how happy I made her, and how excited she got whenever I texted her. So I was blindsided, especially because of how bad I felt about the summer, and how much I wanted to make things up to her. But I had still been bringing her down with my constant depression and anxiety, telling her how sad I was, how I hated my job, everything. I was using her as my counselor, mistakenly. It was too much for her.
It occurred to me a few days later how anxious I was, and that it was because of my pills. I stopped them, and within 2 weeks no longer felt the dissociation.
I ended up writing her a letter. I explained everything. I explained my feelings from the summer, I explained how much better I was from stopping the pills, I apologized more than I've ever apologized for how much of her time I took, and how I prevented her from seeing her friends. It was a long ass 8 page letter.
She got it, and after that we started talking again. We were talking just like normal, would Skype every so often, etc. She told me she could again see all the reasons that she had fallen in love with me. She wanted to consider giving me another chance, but couldn't consider it until winter break, because of how stressed out she was from school. She also wanted to respond to the letter, but said she wasn't happy with what she wrote, and wouldn't have time until the winter break to write a proper response. We'd still talk though, and things were nice. Sometimes she'd get super distant with no explanation. She told me it was because school had her super busy, but at the same time, I'd see her hanging with her friends up there. Hell, she even came back to town a few times, but didn't tell me. When I found out, she said she wasn't ready to see me yet, and needed space because of how much of hers I had taken during the summer.
After 2 months of this confusion, and not being able to stop thinking about her, and not understanding what she wanted, I was mentally drained. I had been on a roller coaster non stop, and couldn't do it anymore, because I could feel myself snapping. So 2 weeks ago, I drove up to see her without telling her, to figure out what was going on. Things were super nice when I saw her, a lot of laughing and talking and things. She told me that she wanted to stay single for a whole, so that she could finally get help with the sexual trauma from the past relationship. But that she wanted to give me a chance, and that during the winter break, we could go on a few dates, and take thing slow. She even lent me a few books that she thought I'd enjoy. I left happy.
The next day, I talked to her on Facebook. She got very angry at me, about how I had blatantly gone up to see her despite her saying she wasn't mentally ready. Said that she need to move on with her life, and that I needed to give her the space she'd needed since the summer. She blocked me on Facebook., and unfollowed me on instagram. I'm presuming she blocked my number too. The only person she had ever blocked before was the person who had raped her. That kinda fucked me up, because it seemed like I was being equated with him somehow.
A few days later I got a letter from her. It was very clearly written in a furious heat if the moment, because to didn't even acknowledge anything from my letter. The things I had apologized for, and that she said she forgave me for, and that she understood, she was now dragging them back up, angry, treating it as if I did these things intentionally. She said that she couldn't date me again, because she didn't have the capacity to love me after I had made her feel so guilty. And that dating me would be jumping right back into living by my schedule (which isn't true... and she knows isn't.... we had talked about this and she knows I was trying to give her time). She said that by going up there so see her, despite her having said a few weeks prior that she wasn't ready, proved to her that I still needed just as much of her time as I did during the summer. The last thing she said was that maybe, after she had time to repair the friendships she had lost from out relationship, she would have time for me.
I'm really not sure where I'm going with this.
I just feel so crushed since then. I feel constantly anxious now, despite not being on any pills. I can't even sit home alone or I get scared and have a giant panic attack. Hanging out with friends, I feel anxious. At work, all I do is feel anxious. Going anywhere I'm panicking over anything. I can't make myself get up for work anymore. I don't know why I'm like this. I'm not on any pills, but I just can't stop panicking.
Ive been desperately trying to make more friends. Basically all of my friends have left me, no one ever has time for me anymore. I'm always trying to reach out, but everyone's always too busy. People in school are too busy with school, people working are too tired after work to do anything, people on holidays are spending all their time with family. My life is just this empty pit of me sitting at my place, alone. And when that starts to make me panic (a daily, sometimes multiple times daily occurance), I wallk to a coffee shop, and sit there.
I go out and I try to meet people, I have no problem starting a conversation, but no one in coffee shops or bars or anything ever wants to make friends.
Everyone at work is significantly older than me, and all have families, so there's no one to hang out with from work.
I've tried going to social events, and things from Meetup.com, but I can't make any long lasting connections there, and no matter what event I go to, its always predominantly middle aged folk. All art classes, or music classes I can find are always during the day, when I work (or after school, but meant for kids). I feel like I could volunteer, but the places I've tried always end up being middle-aged people again, or heavily religious people, and I can't be myself around them becuase I ave to catch myself from swearing, can't talk about any of my interests because they "don't get it", or whatever. I just want to meet people my age.
At my parent's, my mom, the last person who feels like she cares for me, is in really bad health, and barely able to do anything on her own.
I just feel so fucking sad. I'm not sitting around waiting for things to come to me, I'm actively going out trying to find them and they're not there. They're impossible to make. I'm trying to get better at being on my own. I dont want to constantly feel like I need to be around other people to survive. Going out to movies and shit alone though.... It's super expensive. Everything is super expensive. And it feels hopeless doing alone, and I'm not able to make any lasting connections through doing the things.
Meeting people seems impossible out of school. Everyone says the way to do it is through work, but like I said, everyone at work is middle aged and has a family, and aren't the kind of people I get along with anyway.
I feel like in life, you're given a certain amount of tokens. You can use some tokens for friends, for a job, for whatever. And you have to make them last. Make those friendships turn into other things. But I feel like I've used up all my tokens, and I used them wrong, and lost all the friends I had, lost the only relationship that ever mattered to me. The only thing of substance I have left is a well-paying job.
Im just venting I guess. I'm just scared about what's going to happen to me. I'm left with no friends, possibly no family soon, and I'm just going to be alone. No attempts at making friends work. I'm usually a very happy, outgoing person, and ever since the anxiety started, I've put that face on when meeting new people. I'm not anxious when talking to people..., and I don't get scared when meeting new ones... the relationships with them just don't stick.
I need to get better for myself, but at the same time, I feel like I need to be better by the time my ex moves back, either in May or September, depending in where she does her job placement. I feel like what we had was so fixable if I just wasn't so stupid, and hadn't been constantly been anxious over needing to break up, when we could've been so happy otherwise. In between all that anxiety, we had a lot of good times. There was a hell of a lot of love there, from both sides, and I ruined it by being an idiot. And then I DOUBLE ruined by going up to see her. If I hadn't done that, we could've been going on date within the next week. I could've waited 2 weeks to see her. I don't know why I didn't. Now I can't even talk to her, can't say congrats to her for getting through her semester, can't anything. That being said, I'm honouring her request for space. I'm not going to talk to her unless she talks to me first, because she deserves it. I just don't know how things went from talking all the time before going up, and enjoying and having fun, to being completely blocked.... all because I went to see her for a few hours. I've dated a lot of people, and I normally get over the breakup within a month. This has been 2 months though, and I still miss her, and I still wish I could have just ONE chance to prove to her how things are different. If we had met at a different time in our lives... if we had met after she finished school, the anxiety would never have been there. I would have never felt like I needed to break up with her at some point, and I never would have treated her time so selfishly. Once she moves back though, I'm sure to run into her - we frequent the same places. And I'm hoping she sees by then that I'm better, and see the fun me again that she saw just so recently, and that time has healed the bad things he remembers, and that we could give things another chance.
At least that's what I've been telling myself. I know I can't hold out for her, but telling myself all of that is the only thing that gives me the motivation to keep going right now. And I need to use that last motivation to actually work at getting better, for myself.
I don't know what the fuck is going on. Somebody tell me what I'm supposed to do, because I've got no idea, and I've exhausted every possible option. I don't know where all this anxiety has come from, because it wasn't there before this year. It wasn't there before I started DATING this girl either. It just appeared at some point, and ruined the only relationship that has ever felt like it was going somewhere. I just want to feel normal again. I just want to have friends again. I just want to have people who WANT to talk to me, and who WANT to hang out, rather than me always approaching them to, and it almost never happening because their lives are already preoccupied with so many other friends. How do I get that? How do I get to feel normal again, and why did I stop?
I haven't really had mental health problems before this year. At least not anything I can quantify, or that I recognized. I've always been a pretty standard guy. I used to be pretty introverted, but now I'm fairly extroverted - just not overly social. I'm happy to talk to whoever, whenever, and I like being fun and goofy and whatever in public, I don't have fears of what people think of me. But I'm also pretty terrible at being bake to meet new people. I've got this thing where I need to always be doing something, or I feel basically useless. "Doing something" can be anything though - sitting in a coffee shop, going for a walk, just sitting inside someone's house on my phone.... anything other than sitting at home alone or at work. I hate being alone. I spend way too much time in coffee shops just because I live alone and need the comfort of having people around me. Hell, if I had friends that were willing to literally just come and chill at my place on their phones, I'd love it. I don't need to be interacting with people, just knowing someone's there makes me feel good, I guess.
This past February, I met this amazing girl, on tinder. She was basically perfect, which is the most cliché thing I can possibly imagine myself saying. I've dated a bunch of people in the past, and all of them have had SOME of the qualities I look for, but this girl had everything. We got along better than anything, we matched up so perfectly it was incredible.
I had told her initially that I just wanted to be friends, which she was okay with. She was moving 4 hours away for school in September. I had tried a relationship before that started in-town and eventually became long distance, and it was terrible and miserable. So I didn't want that again, which is why I told her I just wanted to be friends. We hung out like, every day. Did everything together. After a few weeks, the connection was too strong, and I needed to date this girl. She was so phenomenal and I've never gotten along with anyone better. So we started to date. But I knew that we'd have to breakup come September, so I didn't want to get too attached. After a bit, she mentioned to me that she had told her friends that she wanted me to be the last guy she would ever date. 3 months in, I could easily see marriage eventually, and we had talked about names for children and shit (I mean... Neither of us were planning anything immediate, obviously. It was just one of those things).
In late spring, I started having a bunch of trouble concentrating at work. Couldn't pay attention while coworkers were talking, constantly needed to get up and go for walks, leg shaking, etc. At my girlfriend's recommendation, I went to see a doctor. Now, she was no stranger to mental health. She had PTSD from past sexual trauma as well as strong anxiety. So I went to the doctor, was diagnosed with ADHD, and tried a few different pills over the course of a few months before finding one that worked.
The problem was, and I didn't realize this, I started having horrible side effects. The pills bumped my anxiety up BIG time. Panic attacks consistently, times I'd disassociate and just be staring off into the distance, times I'd be throwing anxious fits and crying etc. I didn't make the connection that this was anxiety, or that it was caused by the pills.
Meanwhile, with the girl I was dating, I had been acting odd as fuck. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was subconsciously sabotaging the relationship. I was getting so attached to her, and every time I noticed I was, I'd go into anxiety attacks knowing that I'd need to break up with her in a few months. I was taking it out on myself, and as a result, she thought I was angry / taking things out on her. In the middle of the night, I'd get up to go for a walk for 45 minutes to calm my anxiety from how much I loved her despite knowing what was to come. When I'd come back, she'd be awake and crying because she thought I was angry. There were other times where I'd get upset with her over nothing, things I didn't give a shit about, like her dog sleeping on our bed. I didn't know why I'd do that. I realize now that I was subconsciously trying to give us some sort of reason to break up, to justify breaking up with her before she moved away.
She also was dealing with my anxiety. Constantly trying to calm me down, constantly being so supportive, dropping everything to come help me, be by my side and hold me during my anxious fits. I tried to be there for her during hers, and I wanted to so bad, but it's hard to be there for someone else when you feel like you're dying inside.
This went on for months. The anxiety just got worse the closer to September we got.
The night before she moved away, I had this giant panic attack. The biggest ive ever had. I had realized that I didn't want to break up with her, at all. And I had realized how I had been acting the entire summer. How I had treated her and made her constantly be there for me. Asked her not to hang out with her friends some nights, because I needed her there for me. I felt awful, and guilty as anything. But I didn't want to tell her, because I thought she'd be mad that in the back of my mind during our entire relationship had been "I'm going to break up with her in September". I ended up calling her, and I think I made it sound like I was going to die. She left me a voice mail crying, scared that I was going to kill myself. I'm not sure I've ever made someone more upset than she was. It scares me to this day that i did something that made her think that would happen. I just vowed to myself to be better from then on.
I went up to see her once, during her birthday. She was really happy.
Anyway, in October, she broke up with me. It came out of nowhere. Just 2 weeks before, she had introduced me to her grandparents that lived up near her school. She'd still tell me (without me instigating) how happy I made her, and how excited she got whenever I texted her. So I was blindsided, especially because of how bad I felt about the summer, and how much I wanted to make things up to her. But I had still been bringing her down with my constant depression and anxiety, telling her how sad I was, how I hated my job, everything. I was using her as my counselor, mistakenly. It was too much for her.
It occurred to me a few days later how anxious I was, and that it was because of my pills. I stopped them, and within 2 weeks no longer felt the dissociation.
I ended up writing her a letter. I explained everything. I explained my feelings from the summer, I explained how much better I was from stopping the pills, I apologized more than I've ever apologized for how much of her time I took, and how I prevented her from seeing her friends. It was a long ass 8 page letter.
She got it, and after that we started talking again. We were talking just like normal, would Skype every so often, etc. She told me she could again see all the reasons that she had fallen in love with me. She wanted to consider giving me another chance, but couldn't consider it until winter break, because of how stressed out she was from school. She also wanted to respond to the letter, but said she wasn't happy with what she wrote, and wouldn't have time until the winter break to write a proper response. We'd still talk though, and things were nice. Sometimes she'd get super distant with no explanation. She told me it was because school had her super busy, but at the same time, I'd see her hanging with her friends up there. Hell, she even came back to town a few times, but didn't tell me. When I found out, she said she wasn't ready to see me yet, and needed space because of how much of hers I had taken during the summer.
After 2 months of this confusion, and not being able to stop thinking about her, and not understanding what she wanted, I was mentally drained. I had been on a roller coaster non stop, and couldn't do it anymore, because I could feel myself snapping. So 2 weeks ago, I drove up to see her without telling her, to figure out what was going on. Things were super nice when I saw her, a lot of laughing and talking and things. She told me that she wanted to stay single for a whole, so that she could finally get help with the sexual trauma from the past relationship. But that she wanted to give me a chance, and that during the winter break, we could go on a few dates, and take thing slow. She even lent me a few books that she thought I'd enjoy. I left happy.
The next day, I talked to her on Facebook. She got very angry at me, about how I had blatantly gone up to see her despite her saying she wasn't mentally ready. Said that she need to move on with her life, and that I needed to give her the space she'd needed since the summer. She blocked me on Facebook., and unfollowed me on instagram. I'm presuming she blocked my number too. The only person she had ever blocked before was the person who had raped her. That kinda fucked me up, because it seemed like I was being equated with him somehow.
A few days later I got a letter from her. It was very clearly written in a furious heat if the moment, because to didn't even acknowledge anything from my letter. The things I had apologized for, and that she said she forgave me for, and that she understood, she was now dragging them back up, angry, treating it as if I did these things intentionally. She said that she couldn't date me again, because she didn't have the capacity to love me after I had made her feel so guilty. And that dating me would be jumping right back into living by my schedule (which isn't true... and she knows isn't.... we had talked about this and she knows I was trying to give her time). She said that by going up there so see her, despite her having said a few weeks prior that she wasn't ready, proved to her that I still needed just as much of her time as I did during the summer. The last thing she said was that maybe, after she had time to repair the friendships she had lost from out relationship, she would have time for me.
I'm really not sure where I'm going with this.
I just feel so crushed since then. I feel constantly anxious now, despite not being on any pills. I can't even sit home alone or I get scared and have a giant panic attack. Hanging out with friends, I feel anxious. At work, all I do is feel anxious. Going anywhere I'm panicking over anything. I can't make myself get up for work anymore. I don't know why I'm like this. I'm not on any pills, but I just can't stop panicking.
Ive been desperately trying to make more friends. Basically all of my friends have left me, no one ever has time for me anymore. I'm always trying to reach out, but everyone's always too busy. People in school are too busy with school, people working are too tired after work to do anything, people on holidays are spending all their time with family. My life is just this empty pit of me sitting at my place, alone. And when that starts to make me panic (a daily, sometimes multiple times daily occurance), I wallk to a coffee shop, and sit there.
I go out and I try to meet people, I have no problem starting a conversation, but no one in coffee shops or bars or anything ever wants to make friends.
Everyone at work is significantly older than me, and all have families, so there's no one to hang out with from work.
I've tried going to social events, and things from Meetup.com, but I can't make any long lasting connections there, and no matter what event I go to, its always predominantly middle aged folk. All art classes, or music classes I can find are always during the day, when I work (or after school, but meant for kids). I feel like I could volunteer, but the places I've tried always end up being middle-aged people again, or heavily religious people, and I can't be myself around them becuase I ave to catch myself from swearing, can't talk about any of my interests because they "don't get it", or whatever. I just want to meet people my age.
At my parent's, my mom, the last person who feels like she cares for me, is in really bad health, and barely able to do anything on her own.
I just feel so fucking sad. I'm not sitting around waiting for things to come to me, I'm actively going out trying to find them and they're not there. They're impossible to make. I'm trying to get better at being on my own. I dont want to constantly feel like I need to be around other people to survive. Going out to movies and shit alone though.... It's super expensive. Everything is super expensive. And it feels hopeless doing alone, and I'm not able to make any lasting connections through doing the things.
Meeting people seems impossible out of school. Everyone says the way to do it is through work, but like I said, everyone at work is middle aged and has a family, and aren't the kind of people I get along with anyway.
I feel like in life, you're given a certain amount of tokens. You can use some tokens for friends, for a job, for whatever. And you have to make them last. Make those friendships turn into other things. But I feel like I've used up all my tokens, and I used them wrong, and lost all the friends I had, lost the only relationship that ever mattered to me. The only thing of substance I have left is a well-paying job.
Im just venting I guess. I'm just scared about what's going to happen to me. I'm left with no friends, possibly no family soon, and I'm just going to be alone. No attempts at making friends work. I'm usually a very happy, outgoing person, and ever since the anxiety started, I've put that face on when meeting new people. I'm not anxious when talking to people..., and I don't get scared when meeting new ones... the relationships with them just don't stick.
I need to get better for myself, but at the same time, I feel like I need to be better by the time my ex moves back, either in May or September, depending in where she does her job placement. I feel like what we had was so fixable if I just wasn't so stupid, and hadn't been constantly been anxious over needing to break up, when we could've been so happy otherwise. In between all that anxiety, we had a lot of good times. There was a hell of a lot of love there, from both sides, and I ruined it by being an idiot. And then I DOUBLE ruined by going up to see her. If I hadn't done that, we could've been going on date within the next week. I could've waited 2 weeks to see her. I don't know why I didn't. Now I can't even talk to her, can't say congrats to her for getting through her semester, can't anything. That being said, I'm honouring her request for space. I'm not going to talk to her unless she talks to me first, because she deserves it. I just don't know how things went from talking all the time before going up, and enjoying and having fun, to being completely blocked.... all because I went to see her for a few hours. I've dated a lot of people, and I normally get over the breakup within a month. This has been 2 months though, and I still miss her, and I still wish I could have just ONE chance to prove to her how things are different. If we had met at a different time in our lives... if we had met after she finished school, the anxiety would never have been there. I would have never felt like I needed to break up with her at some point, and I never would have treated her time so selfishly. Once she moves back though, I'm sure to run into her - we frequent the same places. And I'm hoping she sees by then that I'm better, and see the fun me again that she saw just so recently, and that time has healed the bad things he remembers, and that we could give things another chance.
At least that's what I've been telling myself. I know I can't hold out for her, but telling myself all of that is the only thing that gives me the motivation to keep going right now. And I need to use that last motivation to actually work at getting better, for myself.
I don't know what the fuck is going on. Somebody tell me what I'm supposed to do, because I've got no idea, and I've exhausted every possible option. I don't know where all this anxiety has come from, because it wasn't there before this year. It wasn't there before I started DATING this girl either. It just appeared at some point, and ruined the only relationship that has ever felt like it was going somewhere. I just want to feel normal again. I just want to have friends again. I just want to have people who WANT to talk to me, and who WANT to hang out, rather than me always approaching them to, and it almost never happening because their lives are already preoccupied with so many other friends. How do I get that? How do I get to feel normal again, and why did I stop?
I don't know if any of this response will be helpful to you, but maybe you don't need to focus on "what you need to do." The disconnection from your girlfriend might be currently pointing you in the direction to ask what you need to do, but "what you need to do" is only one side. Be open and gentle, as best you can, to what the other side may be experiencing. You and others are changing organicly moment to moment. From my experience, it's tough ("nearly impossible" might be more accurate) to understand others let alone ourselves, but if we listen and stay open, we might get more insight. Attempting to fix something without first knowing what the problem is actually about could make matters worse.
Relationships, I think, work well on invitations. We can only invite people - whether they accept or not is not up to us. If other people "accept our invitation" because they felt forced, or felt they had to out of obligation, felt it was decided not of their will, it wouldn't really be an invitation and it wouldn't really be a relationship anymore. Ultimately, I think it more preferable for people to accept our invitations out of their own will, excitement, joy, etc and when that happens it's especially beautiful.
I do agree. I know that what her and my relationship "was" is a lost cause now, and anything that could potentially be in the future will be building from the ground up. I just want to be in a place where I am stable, and I am able to do so whether it be with my ex, or not.
To do that I need 2 things, both contradictory:
1) I need friends, or a group of friends. It's not that I have an inability to make friends on my own part, and in college I had many. But after college, people got married, people moved, people became terrible people, and I am alone again, and finding it impossible to rebuild anything of meaning. Everyone else I meet already has their group of friends, and their group was able to stick together, so they do not need to find more.
2) I need to be able to handle things alone again. I need to be comfortable sitting at home alone, not talking to anyone, not doing anything. I need to be able to go places without needing other people to be there, I need to be able to have fun without having to share it with someone, I need to be my own person.
The first problem seems out of my control. The second problem is due to an incredible anxiety that has cropped out of seemingly nowhere. I don't want to go back on pills, and counselling hasn't helped.
So I feel lost and stuck, and I'm not sure where to go from here. I can keep on living, going through the mundane motions of every day life, a life where I go to work that I formerly enjoyed, and come home to sit in my quiet apartment alone. But that doesn't seem like a a life that is worth it. And life was at one point, worth it. And I'd like that back again.
Thank you GtwoK for your response. While I haven't experienced the exact same experience as you, man... I feel for you and that struggle you're dealing with (I've been facing a similar struggle).
School/college seems like a pretty convenient time to interact with people. Relatively, we weren't all that busy and we had a common medium / meeting place and time to interact with each other. When that medium ends and we enter a different environment ("the environment of the busy work life") and our social life is confined only to short amounts of time when we interact with seemingly busy, disinterested people while we're not driving in a car or getting some chore done or alone in our homes, I could understand how it is difficult to try to find the time and place to make new relationships.
Personally, I feel that people (both "busy" and "non-busy") actually have an inner desire to express their selves which includes their connection/interaction with other people, but life has been confusing, and therefore cruel, overwhelming, and scary for them that they are clinging to whatever they have. We're afraid because we're worried about own survival. We're afraid when people come up and the first reaction is "what do you want from me?" or "what are you trying to take away from me?" We're constantly on the look out for the "self-interest" in others.
You might not be able to control or understand others intentions or reactions, but you can look more deeply into your own. If this feels right to you, one thing you could use this time for is an opportunity for self-reflection: to understand your self and where you're coming from. For example, I discovered about myself that the more I felt I needed people, the more painful my life was when they were away. The more I felt I needed the relationship of other people, the more desperation I felt when I wasn't in one and the more desperate my ways to attain relationship and when attained, the more clingy my methods to "keep" them. One guru I was listening to planted this insight that people aren't to be "caught" or "kept."
Similarly another insight: the more I want and feel I must have something (that in fact, my happiness depends on it), the tendency is the more ruthless my methods to get whatever that is. People "attained" in this forceful way, probably feel some resentment inside and soon find in themselves a need to push away.
The idea is when we gain insight about our selves and the hidden "dysfunction" in our currently, "natural" (most likely conditioned/learned/inherited) gut tendencies/ways/methods, we then are in a place to choose to root them out of our system and begin to put work towards leading and seeing life in a more balanced, harmonious, truthful way and life starts working out more in our favor because we more aligned with it. As long as our ways are "tainted" with "dysfunction" and clash with the natural flow of things, their tendency is create some degree of "dysfunctional" results.
Life is so weird. It seems like it's filled with paradox. You try too little and the thing you want, most likely, won't happen. You try too hard and the thing you want might be being pushed away by our efforts. No wonder it can be so confusing.
There's a quote related to this:
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp; but which, if you will sit down quietly, may come and alight on you."
Another is that life can be like playing the lottery: you don't control the outcome, but you increase your chances when you keep playing and buying more tickets.
In any case, I hope things get better for you man.
We'll be here.
Hey_Blinkin
Member
Seriously, fuck anxiety. It's become so bad I can't even play a game of Hearthstone against another player or send a message on a dating site. How is it still so bad this late in life. I've never taken medication and I really don't want to start.
Ugh, fucking christ
I don't know how to handle this shit anymore. I'm at my wit's end here. I've got maybe 3 friends left, and I never get to see them anymore because of how busy they always are. Normally I can text 1 or 2 of them if I'm feeling fucked up and sad, and we'll have a nice conversation. Doesn't need to be about my sadness, just talking to someone helps. I've tried texting all of them though, and no one is responding. I've tried texting friends that have long gone, and they're (predictably) not responding either.
I went to my parent's house, and that just made me even more sad because of their health, I couldn't stick around for long.
I just don't fucking get it. I don't know what's happened to me, I don't know how to fix it.
How the fuck do other people do this? Some of the people I know... my ex I mentioned a few posts ago for example. She was in the same boat, friend-wise. Had toruble making friends. But she makes a fuck ton of them now through tinder. She's got guys she can call up any time of day who will take her grocery shopping, or hang out with her, or cuddle her if she's feeling sad. Hell, she straight up told me she some of them are just fuck buddies. And I'm just fucking flabbergasted. How is it that easy for women to do that? I mean, I don't want to generalize, but it's literally only women that I've seen that are able to do that, able to make friends just by approaching anyone and basically proclaiming "we're firends now".
Every person I talk to on tinder, even under the pretense of only looking for friends, stops talking to me after 2 days or so. So how the fuck can people like my ex build this army of friends who will do anything and everything for her?
God, I just feel so alone right now. The 3 friends I have — I know they have their own lives, but what is it they do with their lives? What does anyone do with their lives keeping them occupied from day to day? One of those friends told me she just sits on the internet or binge watches, and she's content doing just that. So why can't I be? Why do I need to constantly be preoccupying myself with something near other people in order to not feel an overwhelming sadness? Why don't any of the relationships or friendship I try to make actually stick, and how do other people manage it? What does it take to make friends now, if spending every waking moment outside of work in public and chatting people up not effective? How do I make myself seem approachable?
I walk around with a smile on my face, I wave and greet the people I pass by downtown, I dress nice and it's not like I have bad hygiene, and — not to sound like a total asshat, but —am moderately to fairly good looking. By all means I should be approachable and friendly. And I guess I am, technically, if people are able to hold conversations with me in public . But why don't they go anywhere? Why don't friendships form?
How do people get by comfortably in their every day life without feeling lonely as all hell?!
What hurts the most is that no amount of asking will get me an answer. I feel like there's no real point in asking here, because no one has some magical solution they can share that fixes it. Even professional help doesn't. I'm just doomed to constantly feel like shit now, and I don't know where it came from, nor can I make that feeling go away.
At least on the rare occasion that someone actually holds a conversation with me back, I feel happy. But as soon as it's over, and they go about their merry day, I sink again. I wish I could make those moments last.
Legitimately, all I need, is just a few friends. A few who will stick around. A few who WANT to talk to me, rather than me always trying to persuade them to hang out, and for them find time for me in their schedules. If I've got that, if I've got someone I can talk to, if I have people I can make plans with and know they won't constantly fall through... I can start building my own life again. But I can't build my life when I feel like there's no point in having a life. I can't push myself to make dinner every night, or do laundry, when I'm going to constantly be questioning "Who for? Not for me. I don't give a shit right now if I eat. I don't give a shit if my laundry is clean. All I give a shit about is having friends to talk to right now".
I need that in order to be able to do things for myself, and without that, I feel hopeless and without purpose, and I worry about the long term effects of that feeling.
I don't know how to handle this shit anymore. I'm at my wit's end here. I've got maybe 3 friends left, and I never get to see them anymore because of how busy they always are. Normally I can text 1 or 2 of them if I'm feeling fucked up and sad, and we'll have a nice conversation. Doesn't need to be about my sadness, just talking to someone helps. I've tried texting all of them though, and no one is responding. I've tried texting friends that have long gone, and they're (predictably) not responding either.
I went to my parent's house, and that just made me even more sad because of their health, I couldn't stick around for long.
I just don't fucking get it. I don't know what's happened to me, I don't know how to fix it.
How the fuck do other people do this? Some of the people I know... my ex I mentioned a few posts ago for example. She was in the same boat, friend-wise. Had toruble making friends. But she makes a fuck ton of them now through tinder. She's got guys she can call up any time of day who will take her grocery shopping, or hang out with her, or cuddle her if she's feeling sad. Hell, she straight up told me she some of them are just fuck buddies. And I'm just fucking flabbergasted. How is it that easy for women to do that? I mean, I don't want to generalize, but it's literally only women that I've seen that are able to do that, able to make friends just by approaching anyone and basically proclaiming "we're firends now".
Every person I talk to on tinder, even under the pretense of only looking for friends, stops talking to me after 2 days or so. So how the fuck can people like my ex build this army of friends who will do anything and everything for her?
God, I just feel so alone right now. The 3 friends I have — I know they have their own lives, but what is it they do with their lives? What does anyone do with their lives keeping them occupied from day to day? One of those friends told me she just sits on the internet or binge watches, and she's content doing just that. So why can't I be? Why do I need to constantly be preoccupying myself with something near other people in order to not feel an overwhelming sadness? Why don't any of the relationships or friendship I try to make actually stick, and how do other people manage it? What does it take to make friends now, if spending every waking moment outside of work in public and chatting people up not effective? How do I make myself seem approachable?
I walk around with a smile on my face, I wave and greet the people I pass by downtown, I dress nice and it's not like I have bad hygiene, and — not to sound like a total asshat, but —am moderately to fairly good looking. By all means I should be approachable and friendly. And I guess I am, technically, if people are able to hold conversations with me in public . But why don't they go anywhere? Why don't friendships form?
How do people get by comfortably in their every day life without feeling lonely as all hell?!
What hurts the most is that no amount of asking will get me an answer. I feel like there's no real point in asking here, because no one has some magical solution they can share that fixes it. Even professional help doesn't. I'm just doomed to constantly feel like shit now, and I don't know where it came from, nor can I make that feeling go away.
At least on the rare occasion that someone actually holds a conversation with me back, I feel happy. But as soon as it's over, and they go about their merry day, I sink again. I wish I could make those moments last.
Legitimately, all I need, is just a few friends. A few who will stick around. A few who WANT to talk to me, rather than me always trying to persuade them to hang out, and for them find time for me in their schedules. If I've got that, if I've got someone I can talk to, if I have people I can make plans with and know they won't constantly fall through... I can start building my own life again. But I can't build my life when I feel like there's no point in having a life. I can't push myself to make dinner every night, or do laundry, when I'm going to constantly be questioning "Who for? Not for me. I don't give a shit right now if I eat. I don't give a shit if my laundry is clean. All I give a shit about is having friends to talk to right now".
I need that in order to be able to do things for myself, and without that, I feel hopeless and without purpose, and I worry about the long term effects of that feeling.
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