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NeoGAF Anonymous Confessions 2014 - Confessember Be Upon Us - Under New Management

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terrisus

terrisus

Member
I have an MA and regret it.

I was scared of the future in college, and I think earning an MA was my way of putting it off. Now I pay off student loans for my master’s degree at a retail job that doesn’t require a high school diploma.

I feel lost.

Side note, both BA and MA are liberal arts degrees.
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Protip: You don't have to pay off your student loans if you're working on a PhD

Source: Spent 4 years on a PhD while working in retail >.>
 
GrayFoxPL

GrayFoxPL

Member
So, I thought I had nothing to confess, and then the drought of topics and a topic in the thread made me realize that I do have something to confess. It's not too great, but it may be entertaining, and in celebration of Confessember, here's one for you, GAF.

I used to be that kid that would eat wired stuff for no reason. As a toddler, I would sit in the sandbox eating sand while other kids were playing. Later in my life (around Kindergarten) I would eat bugs and rocks and stuff. It wasn't really for a bet; some times I was just curious and other times I wanted to prove to kids that it wasn't as gross as it seemed. My older brother was similar, but he usually did it for money. I guess it was just the household we were raised in.

Anyways, skip forward to the fourth grade. I was messing around in the back yard with of one of my friends house. The topic of eating gross stuff was brought up. I said I could eat anything and this was followed of course by my friend saying "prove it".

We were around a horse corral, and I noticed that there was some horse droppings around. I picked a semi-large dry one, and preceded to eat it. It didn't taste half bad either. Not good obviously, but dried poop wasn't disgusting like some would have thought it would have been. Both my friend and his Sister thought that was the most disgusting shit ever (pun intended), but I wasn't really seeing it.

I'm older now, and the knowledge of how unsanitary and dangerous that was has come to me. But that's that.

Thanks for listening!
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NotTheGuyYouKill said:
ohmrjpp.gif
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My favorite!

Btw. this thread is more romantic than Titanic.
 
M

maomaoIYP

Member
Mineshaft_Gap said:
I miss the funny confessions about people who pooped their pants.
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I've had liquid poop diarrhea that sprang onto me all of a sudden. I was in the army. I farted and felt a constant wet and warm liquid flow down one of my legs. I was in uniform.

I've also once held it in so hard looking for a toilet I broke out into cold sweat and nearly passed out.

You know what's the one thing you should never do when you know it's coming, it's wet and nasty and you can't stop it? You should never run to the toilet. When you run, the downward force from the extra spring in your step literally forces it out. How do I know this? Because I ran.
 
N

NotTheGuyYouKill

Member
maomaoIYP said:
I've had liquid poop diarrhea that sprang onto me all of a sudden. I was in the army. I farted and felt a constant wet and warm liquid flow down one of my legs. I was in uniform.

I've also once held it in so hard looking for a toilet I broke out into cold sweat and nearly passed out.

You know what's the one thing you should never do when you know it's coming, it's wet and nasty and you can't stop it? You should never run to the toilet. When you run, the downward force from the extra spring in your step literally forces it out. How do I know this? Because I ran.
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Oh God
 
Gamble

Gamble

Member
maomaoIYP said:
I've had liquid poop diarrhea that sprang onto me all of a sudden. I was in the army. I farted and felt a constant wet and warm liquid flow down one of my legs. I was in uniform.

I've also once held it in so hard looking for a toilet I broke out into cold sweat and nearly passed out.

You know what's the one thing you should never do when you know it's coming, it's wet and nasty and you can't stop it? You should never run to the toilet. When you run, the downward force from the extra spring in your step literally forces it out. How do I know this? Because I ran.
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This all sucks but I spit my Snapple all over my desk in laughter
 
P

properpropaganda

Member
Mineshaft_Gap said:
I miss the funny confessions about people who pooped their pants.
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I once went to some hole in the wall mexican place with a friend for some fish tacos. as we were leaving i felt what i thought was a huge fart. i called my friend and when he turned around i tried to force out the huge fart but what came out wasn't a huge fart but a stream of warm butt mud.
 
N

NotTheGuyYouKill

Member
A few months ago I went to the park with my daughter. I also had the dog with me. Anyway. When we got home, I realised that I had locked myself out and my wife wasn't going to be home for another 30 or so minutes... but I really needed to take a shit.

So doing what I had to. I told daughter to go in the backyard and play on her swingset for a little bit. Then squatted down and did my shit in the garden next to the path leading to my front door

I had to choose some place believable. It was all going well until I had a smidgen of diarrhea and my shit started flowing out. It looked like a soup with chunky shit pieces floating in it. And it smelt revolting.

When my wife got home, she immediately picked up on the shit. I tried to explain that our dog had done it... but I think she knew.
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She definitely knew.
 
N

NotTheGuyYouKill

Member
For everyone complaining about still being a virgin at 20+ years.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was 22, and since then (29 now) I've had several semi-long term girlfriends, and slept with 30+ women.

This isn't to brag, hence the anonymous nature of the post, this is merely to let YOU guys know that it's never too late, don't vex about it. You get one and the rest will follow.
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...

...

40yearoldvirgin-useit.gif
 
N

NotTheGuyYouKill

Member
I present to you, the 35 Year Old Virgin:

So I have a confession to make. A sweet one, since I think this thread could use some nicer stories.

I was a 35 year old Grand Wizard.

I'm using the past tense because that is no longer the case.

I've never been a particularly social person, and although I had a few short and sexless relationships from 17 to 21, I never got lucky and the latest girl I dated broke my heart in a million pieces out of pure malice. That left a deep scar in me and threw me into a bout of depression, which I tried to overcome by burying myself with assignments and then work.

It's not like I'm a sad loner or anything like that. I don't enjoy loud places nor I like to get drunk, but I enjoy partying from time to time and I have good friends. I got my current job at 24 and I was commuting daily to a different city until recently, which kept me busy and somehow managed to fool my closer circle into believing that I was seeing girls, since I would spend the weekend there on occasion.

I'm ashamed to say that I perpetuated that notion by lying about my romantic life when confronted. It is not like I would have liked to be known as that twentysomething virgin. The situation remained the same until my company allowed me to switch posts and remain at my home city. Then, reality hit me like a ton of bricks: I was very lonely person. I had spent over a decade without a single relationship, just keeping myself busy with work and non social hobbies (videogames and books won't get you close to the ladies).

You may think that I am the saddest individual you've ever heard about, but that was not the case. I just lost all and any interest in both sex and dating after a girlfriend played me like a fiddle. It was as if somebody had turned off a switch. I clubbed from time to time when visiting my home city, hung around my friends and their SOs, played sports (football mostly, but I also run a couple of days per week if I can find the time) Outside of the lack of any romance I was having a normal if busy life. I just didn't care about girls. It didn't bother me at all.

This changed when I switched posts and began to have more time for myself. It is not like I became needy and angsty. I just began to think about what the hell I had been done for all that time. I decided to meet new people, frequented dating sites and asked my friends to introduce me to their work acquaintances. It was a bit of an ordeal at first, until one day I met this quirky, funny girl and we just hit it off instantly. We began casually dating until one day we made out and she proposed to have sex. I was scared at first because she was younger and well experienced (and there was no way I was going to tell her I was still a virgin), but everything went better than I could have hoped. We had sex for pretty much all night long, another time in the morning and a another one when we met again later in the evening. Those stories about lasting 10 seconds for the fist time are just stories. Not everybody is the same. And not only that: she was more than pleased with my performance. It turns out that a certified wizard can have better moves than most twentysomethings. Go me.

That was five months ago. We are still dating and having amazing amounts of sex. I'm not exactly in love with her, but I enjoy her company and I can see how being in a relationship again has allowed me to mature and become more of an entire person. Even my friends (who still know nothing about my former wizard robes) say I look happier and more lively. There are days when I think about how I nearly wasted most of my adult life, but I don't despair no more. I don't believe about living in the past. I'm having lots of fun with a girl I appreciate and that's the only thing that matters.

So quite being depressed, fellow wizards. Socialize and stop giving a crap about your predicament. It doesn't define you. One day you'll meet that special person.

TL;DR: I was a 35 year old virgin. No more. I'm having tons of awesome sex with an awesome lady and so can you.
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68241-Congrats-on-the-Sex-cake-gif-KEpz.gif


Nah, but seriously, good stuff. You may have given Wizards hope.
 
S

Son Of D

Member
Sent mine in last night, hasn't come up yet. I'll give it some time just in case NTGYK is a bit behind, if not I'll just make a fake yahoo account or something and send it again.
 
N

NotTheGuyYouKill

Member
Blood Diamonds said:
What is it with straight men and virginity...
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We're all very insecure and emotionally fragile.

Son Of D said:
Sent mine in last night, hasn't come up yet. I'll give it some time just in case NTGYK is a bit behind, if not I'll just make a fake yahoo account or something and send it again.
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I've got a few sitting here, including like, four from Soulfucker. They'll be up at the right time, but it seems like a few people have sent me e-mails that I haven't received, checked inbox and spam.

Mike M said:
All this talk of Grand Wizards makes me feel like I accidentally walked into a KKK meeting.
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LRAxImP.jpg
 
N

NotTheGuyYouKill

Member
Aw fuck it, here's more Soulfucker:

Soulfucker V: Realitycide

Soulfucker here again. It's always been my dream to be considered "fascinating", I feel like a valued specimen. I do like to share in a safe space, but I also really like reading the reactions, it's highly amusing to me.

jph139 - Aw, thanks! You keep on with your weird shit too, if you have any! Though being relatively normal is fine too!

Hyperactivity - Thanks again, man! You have an Okamiden avatar so you must be pretty swell yourself!

Psychotext - I encourage my own insanity everyday, man. I'm still in the RP game, and shit can still get whack. The way I figure it, though, it's better to be able to laugh at the dumb shit I've done in the past. That way, if I ever completely crack and just go laughing mad, the train that is my mind derailing and exploding in a glorious fashion, I'll have some practice and the shift won't be so jarring, and I'll be able to contently cackle in the wreckage.

KidJr - I do enjoy it a bunch, mostly for the improv environment I mentioned last time, and also because it's kind of fun watching things spiral out of control. Though our RP group as a whole has been making efforts to rein things in, make it more coherent. Here's me detailing some of the attempts before our latest one.

~~~~

Soulfucker 4.5: Shifts in the Cosmos (Part 1)

Before I jump full hog into the plastic nanomachines, I feel like I should give some context, tell you our previous attempts at making a new world. So, in my time as a roleplayer in this one particular RP, I've been involved in about four reality shifts, of a sort. At least three of them were to fix fuckups I caused.

The first one we did was to retcon the first instance of plasti-gina, because it was dumb and I had no idea what I was doing with it. I was pretty sexually clueless at the time (Until I was about 15 or so I thought that "whacking it" meant literally whacking and swatting at my dick while looking at porn, and then I learned it was actually a pumping motion. Kinda embarrassing when I told my older sister how I masturbated). So how the retcon happened was that some of our characters went off to fight a cosmic horror that was eating worlds, and we were in an area between space and time, and we killed it to the point of nonexistence and everything that IT did was wiped out as well, which led to future-tech Earth and new relationships (for some reason), though pretty much everyone that was fighting the cosmic horror retained knowledge of the previous reality. Not much came of that fact, though, and we didn't really focus on the future-tech either and just treated it like another Earth. As a whole, kinda unimportant in the long run, but I'm listing it here anyways because we did pull factors of it for our latest reboot.

Second reality shift was caused by a paradox, someone went into the past by accident and killed an important character, pretty much destroying reality as a whole. It rebuilt itself and it was pretty much the same, except we removed some other ugly aspects that were present at the time, some of which I can't even remember. This one's also important to keep in mind.

Third reality shift is probably the most extreme one we ever had, and the longest-lasting one so far. It involved people fighting some cosmic horrors - as usual - and killing them.

And then a messenger of a God-like figure called "The Architect" shows up, saying something like "You are not ready". And then reality reboots itself to a new iteration, to a whole different planet. For the sake of everyone following along, I'll call this world NewWorld. Dumb and simple, but it does the job. Pretty much all our characters are dropped into NewWorld at varying points in time, leading to some being aged up when they meet back with the others.

We spent a LOT of time on a private forum figuring out the layout of this NewWorld, it had some strange geography. Like, I believe on one continent, all the way to the north was an arctic wasteland with a gelatin society (this part was controlled by Candy, the guy from my Vore-Fox confession, he really likes gelatin and candy people). Then there were two deserts, and in-between those two deserts were a few cities. One was basically a public transportation hub, with trains everywhere, another was a dirty and corrupt city with a scientist-businessman at the top of a large corporation that did pretty horrific genetic experiments out of the eyes of the public.

There was also a town of semi-inflatable crow people (as in, they had plastic wings but flesh everything else) that didn't have much in the way of modern amenities, not even electricity, and an inflatable castle-town full of balloon people, right next to each other. There were some other countries too, one of which was basically an apartheid society with humans and nonhumans, humans being on the top. That one was really fun to work with because we got to explore both the upper and lower class of that society.

(Continued in next confession)
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Soulfucker VI: The Wrath of Cain

So eventually it comes out that the reason reality was rebooted into another iteration, and everyone dropped into NewWorld, was so that they and their world could be fed to a "Scar" in the cosmos that threatened to destroy reality if its hunger was not satiated. The "Scar" was the site of some sort of calamity in what was previously a paradise of "perfect beings", and then one day, someone from outside came, and the residents were driven into a fury by such imperfection, and they zipped across the Universe to destroy the rest of those "imperfections". Battles against the "Scar-spawn" were commonplace, and they went on for a while, as the characters tried to figure out a way to close up the Scar or wipe it from existence.

At some point, the Scar-spawn speak of a figure called "Cain", who is presumably their leader. After a bit more time, some of the heroes fighting against the threat of nonexistence find a way to the heart of the Scar, and they protect themselves from its poisonous atmosphere by feasting upon parts of an Old God's heart, we called it "godmeat".

Cain turns out to be a version of an established character, from the future, who traveled back to the past when the "Scar" was first formed, and he's been trying to keep the Scar-spawn under control, albeit with dubious methods. Also Cain is completely insane and wants to be overlord of all reality, thinking he can protect it from the Scar-spawn.

The battle starts in the Scar, and at first it seems like the heroes have won, but then the fight moves to a new location.

Remember that tower I was talking about, in the confession with the timelines? The one that served as a nexus for all of them?

Well the battle resumes there. Cain returns. And at some point, past!Cain comes into the tower, and Cain takes him hostage so he can take him to Paradise in the past, and complete the time loop.

In the ensuing scuffle, Cain accidentally slits past!Cain's throat, and he, the Scar, and everything in the universe is destroyed from the resulting paradox, save for those who consumed the godmeat. They end up in a watery wasteland, with nothing but the ruins of the tower, the doors all gone, all the timelines wiped out. But the Scar is gone, at least. Those with the godmeat are left with the ability to remake whatever parts of their reality they can think of, and they do so. When they're finished remembering things into existence, a door appears in the tower, and they step through, into their new reality.

This is when the fourth and most current reboot happens. NewWorld is no more, since its existence was only necessitated by the Scar, and with its existence retconned, we've moved back to Earth. This was also another chance to prune undesirable elements.

Like the Soul-Orb. By this point, nobody liked the Soul-Orb, including me. I was willing to wipe it out, but I wanted something to replace it that would make sense. So Plasti-Guy (the dude who came up with plastic magic in the first place) pulled from the first reboot we did, where everything was future-tech, and suggested that instead of magic, it could be a form of technology. And we redid the Earth to where it was present-day, but with an alternate version of history where nanotechnology was prevalent, and almost anything could be done with it.

Including plastic nanotechnology.
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87089-Jack-Nicholson-blinking-gif-sp-OyRi.gif
 
N

NotTheGuyYouKill

Member
Elija2 said:
Soulfucker is making this up.
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I dunno, he's fully willing to send me corroborating proof.

Also, he was kind enough to make a list of the past confessions so that people who are new can go back and see just where the fuck all the madness started:

Since things continuously get more convoluted, a collection of previous links. Since my latest confession references prior material.

Also NotTheGuyYouKill I'm totally stealing your idea for Star Wars-esque titles for most of these, sorry.

Soulfucker I: The Phantom Fucker

Soulfucker I followup

The Sordid Tale of Vore-Fox (WARNING: DEPRESSING AS HELL AND NOT ZANY AT ALL, MAYBE LEAVE FOR LAST ON A GOOD DAY AND FOR NEVER ON A BAD DAY)

Soulfucker III: Revenge of the Selfcest

Soulfucker IV: There is No Hope

Yes, I did type this in a Neogaf message box. And used the coding so I could title the links what I wanted.

I think I might officially be a Confession junkie.
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GungHo

GungHo

Single-handedly caused Exxon-Mobil to sue FOX, start World War 3
For the guys that want to call themselves Grand Wizards, just remember that was a rank in the KKK and telling strangers, "Hey, I am a Grand Wizard" is going to get you some long looks.
 
I

i-Lo

Member
I'm getting mighty close to that 35 year old virgin... I'll write back in 8 years after numerous unsuccessful attempts.
 
F

Funky Papa

FUNK-Y-PPA-4
I'm tempted to catch up on the legend of Soulfucker, but the name alone scares the beejesus out of me.

Is it really as disturbing as the name sounds?
 
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