When Joanie and (gosh, Im so tempted to say Chachi here!) Sean left their careers and wrestling monikers behind them, anyone would guess it was just a matter of time before they moved on to some form of exploiting their past. WWEs Vince McMahon, like many savvy promoters and producers, owns many of the names of characters they help build, so new careers and real names have to be created or used to fall back on, it seems.Chyna was a badass bitch in the ring and looked quite fetching in that female, steroid bodybuilder appeal that strikes a chord with wimpy men, homosexual closet cases and those who make transsexual porno (one of the hottest niches since bisexual porn came and went).Here, Joanie and Sean travel to China (or at least Sean does), obviously to make the China connection and (hopefully) avoid a head-on, body-slam of a lawsuit with McMahon and the WWE. Hell, McMahon is the guy who fought over having to change his organizations name from the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) when the World Wildlife Fund cried foul.In the 56 minutes of travelogue, seduction, tease and sex, Sean Waltmans attempts at improvisation to a video camera at The Great Wall and Tiannamen Square, rank right up there with some of the great yucks fans of wrestling have enjoyed. Remember when X-Pac would stomp the mat moments before some mooks back would kiss the ring, making for an unintentionally hilarious entertainment experience? This movie leaves that memory on the mat.
Like his short-lived career in front of the wrestling fanatics where he crosses his arms in an X in front of his legs, Waltman should have taken his own advice and kept his pants on, as should Chyna.When she first enters the frame, ensconced in something sexy and looking to tease, it harkens back to those nightmare moments where youre slightly drunk in a room, waiting to see what it is you really seduced, and out comes someone who makes you wonder, Is it a man, a she-maleand most importantly, what the hell is that bulge between its legs and what are its plans for me?! Yikes!Well, after a brief session of poorly lit seduction in black and white, a surveillance footage level of video camerawork reveals Joanie and Seans sexual exploits.Problem is, what we can see looks like a faggy bodybuilder with a mullet banging a handsome transsexual. The freak-show, circus-act, car-crash appeal heightens when Joanie pops her clit and its not only pierced, but looks like a mini-penis.After a bit of the ol in n out, we cut back to Sean talking to the camera in China, stumbling through some obviously improvised lines. Were oddly glued to the screen to see how bad hell get and hoping that we can witness in full-color that mini-penis that speaks inches about steroid abuse in women.Girls if ya want a big one, juice up, get ready for pimples on your ass, a dick of a clit with a hood like an uncut foreskin and
Get Ready to Rumble!
Back in the sex room, Sean switches over to a color camera, forgetting to take the strap off the handle and holding his videocam with all the steadiness of a drunken sailor on a lost weekend. His sexual conquest splayed out, naked before him, with wall-eyed bolt-ons and a mug of a face that is both mannish and moody looking, awaits. Sean goes to work.Joanie sucks a mean cock, in the way you would assume a guy would, taking a face fucking, manhandling a member and devouring dick till you wonder if its ever coming back out of that gaping maw of a kisser.We watch as Sean dives in for his hot lunch, camera wobbling woozily as he contemplates what will likely be his last meal in a porn movie. Joanies loins are riddled with razor burn, bruises, zits and ripped to the max from serious squats. It doesnt take long for the man in the boat to appear from under Joanies clitoral hood. (Now I know why theres such a thing as gawkers block on the freeways.)As much as I was repulsed seeing an inch-long and thick-as-a-pinkie clitoris with a corona resembling the head of a penis, I was oddly fascinated. I wondered what it really says on her drivers license and how many years and injections of male hormones could produce a member that impressive, and what that would mean to guys who got shortchanged at birth, looking for a few extra inches.Sean, attempts entry as the camera strap comes into frame like a hook from a vaudeville act and one is left to wonder what ever made these two think this was their ticket to anything other than ridicule and perhaps bit parts in a remake of Nightmare Alley.Sean gets going and stays hard while the camera captures such wonderful moments as Joanies ripped abs, which are now showing signs of flab, and her Marty Feldman tits, impossible to capture together at close range.Obviously, Sean didnt brush up on his (pro-porn shooter) Mike John movies, as he cant direct the sex, much less shoot it and fuck. Hell, the guy was a wrestler, so you have to forgive him.
Joanie, on the other hand, gets so hot, she turns over and starts power thrusting back on Seans member, doggy-style. The insta-porn stars rut like sweaty gay men, pushing to and fro and grunting, as we cant take our eyes off the acne-riddled ass of Joanie.Sean makes a thumb pass on Joanies butthole and with a deft move of a camera that highlights one her worst bruises on her quad, Sean makes an anal entry we never see. Once inside, Joanie lights up like a tranny with a love for butt sex. She power-pumps Chachi, er, Sean, till hes worn out and has to have her turn over for some languid linking.We watch as she takes it missionary, sweat glistening and her pussy looking like a pierced catchers mitt with a swollen thumb. More manly sex ensues and one notices that Joanies almost more buff than Sean
but I digress.A jump cut takes us to the money shot, where Sean unloads with all the mastery of an amateur stud, whacking his stiff member till he shoots on her splayed anus from the side. At this point, we could be watching two men have sex. Its that scary.
Nevertheless, this is a movie that every casually curious porn consumer and porn fan must see. Wrestling fans too will flock to rent and buythough we all know once theyre 18 they convert to porn fans, so that leaves the rest of the world and, yup, theyll come a runnin.
