With the recent release of HeartGold and SoulSilver, I thought it high time I corrected one of the glaring errors of my childhood namely, not beating Pokemon Crystal. Picking up where I left off a few months prior, I got my last Johto badge, defeated the Elite Four and then conquered Kanto. Only one area left standing in my way Mt. Silver.
A brief outline of my team:
1. Lugia Level 60 (caught, but not really raised in any significant way)
2. Typhlosion Level 53 (my starter, named StarmanDLX in honor of EarthBound and my Bulbasaur in Pokemon Blue)
3. Suicune Level 51
4. Gengar Level 50
5. Farfetchd Level 44 (seemingly useless in battle, training him to learn False Swipe)
6. Voltorb Level 18 (just to use Flash)
I think I flipped a wig when I saw that the final boss first Pokemon was a LEVEL EIGHTY-FLIPPIN-ONE Pikachu, my highest level Pokemon being at 60 and 53 following that, I knew things werent going to be easy.
So I squeak by the boss Pikachu, Blastoise and Espeon and then he suddenly decides to send out the bane of my existence: SNORLAX. This level 75 powerhouse forces me into a depressing battle of attrition, wherein I nearly exhaust my entire supply of potions and revives. The Snorlax uses Amnesia to boost his Special Defense up to obscene levels so none of my elemental attacks do any damage beyond a pixel or so of health (my Lugias Hydropump became worthless WITH Rain Dance). Every time I make a slight dent into Snorlaxs massive armor he uses Rest to spite me. His Body Slam move, considering the differences in levels between Pokemon, was absolutely devastating. After around 30 or so minutes of trying unsuccessfully to whittle away this monstrositys HP and having my best Pokemon faint and revive multiple times, Snorlax seemingly uses all the PP for Body Slam. At this point, he begins using Snore to KILL MY POKEMON WHILE HE SLEEPS AND REGENERATES HIS HEALTH
So I dont know what to do, Snore is a weak move but my Pokemon are paltry in level and their attacks do barely any damage. I can just see myself blacking out and waking up at the last Pokemon Center, my head hanging in shame as I realize how ineffectual of a Pokemon Master I really am. Im like Ash in the Pokemon Movie when he turns into a rock, only I dont have a Pikachu in my party to revive me with its tears. Instead I shall remain as a pitiful statue lying amidst the rubble spread about the feet of the final boss for an eternity, reminding untold generations to come of my failure. They will write songs about my failure, like Guy Fawkes.
So I get desperate, none of the Pokemon Im using are doing any good. I figure anything is worth a shot at this point, so I send out my weakling level 44 Farfetchd to confront this level 75 colossus. I think I heard Snorlax laughing through the speakers of my TV. I didnt even know the game could do that, but whatever. Every time this beast uses Snore, Farfetchd enters critically dangerous HP territory. Im talking red color, beeping noises, the works. I use Hyper Potions like shock therapy to snap the poor bird back into consciousness after every near-death experience. I can practically hear PETA knocking on my door.
It works.
With every lapse in attack, Snorlax uses Rest to regain his health. I use this moment to have Farfetchd perform Swords Dance, greatly raising his attack power (or so the pixelated text informs me). This goes on for at least 12 turns, eventually I am unable raise my attack power any further. Next time Snorlax uses Rest, its time to put this theory to the test.
I use Slash. His HP crawls beyond the half-way point, well into the yellow caution area. Swords Dance has infused Farfetchd with Super Saiyan levels of strength. He has ascended to the next level of consciousness, mere mortals dare not provoke his mighty duck-billed wrath. The single stalk of leek he carries with him transforms into a cane of divine jurisprudence. With it he dispenses justices against the cowards and sinners who dare cast Snore in the midst of Pokebattle.
Another Slash. Hes dead.
From this point on, nothing can stand in my way. Venusaur? Charizard? Just who the hell do you think I am?! They are nothing to me. I crush them with the fists of a million burning north stars. As the battle ends, the trainer stands before me in utter shock. The customary post-battle formalities are through, the only words that escape his mouth are
. Thats right, just dont say anything. Itll be easier that way.
I am a Pokemon Master.