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[Mysterious]

Okay, so I live with someone in my program who's a friend and three random guys (one older PhD guy living with his girlfriend, and two other guys who are a year older and in undergrad). One of the dudes is really cool, and wouldn't do this. And plus, he cooks his own food all the time.

So one day I bought a box of pepperoni pizza, as did my friend (he can't eat pork, so he bought a cheese), and he decided to offer some of his to this one specific roommate. This guy is almost never home and is just out drinking with all his female friends and whatnot. So he took some of the cheese box, but he took my entire box of pizza (I never offered to him). And then he had to audacity to leave the empty box behind and never bothered to throw out the box. So it just sat there until I get fed up and threw it out. I bought another box of pizza last week, and my friend said the other guy wouldn't do it twice... well he did. I broke and ate a bit of the crust, but wasn't in the mood so I left it in the fridge... I go to eat my pizza and only the fucking crust was left.

Okay, whatever. Today I made chow mein. I heard someone come in while I was eating in my room, watching the Simpsons. So I left it on the stove to cool down and then I was going to come back and put it in containers. But I came back, and the fucking food was gone. And he had the audacity again to just put water in the pan and not even wash it. What the fuck is wrong with this dude. I'm 99% sure it's him because the other three guys were home, and in their room, and no one was walking and left their door (trust me, you can hear when someone opens their door and walks around). But someone just opened the front door, so it has to be that guy. What do I do? Should I do something to my food? Maybe throw a lot of spice in it?

 

[Permanently A]

laxatives

 

[Kieli]

Laxatives.

Edit: Dammit, beaten.

 

[thekonamicode]

turbo lax

 

[Anion]

Make it salty and put a glass of water with laxatives next to it

 

[Moppeh]

laxatives

.

 

[Yaboosh]

This is going to sound crazy I know.

But you could try talking to him.

 

[Gazoinks]

This is going to sound crazy I know.

But you could try talking to him.

Yeah no I'm going to go with laxatives for this one

 

[Sanjuro]

Shoulder rub.

 

[PeakPointMatrix]

Rat poison.


Wait, no I mean laxatives.

 

[freenudemacusers]

This is going to sound crazy I know.

But you could try talking to him.

eat laxatives first

 

[Fedelias]

laxatives

The only solution.

 

[OricWindstar]

This is going to sound crazy I know.

But you could try talking to him.

This is probably the right idea.

After you give him laxatives.

EDIT: Haha, beaten to the joke.

 

[Thorakai]

confront the fucker and lay the goddamn smackdown

 

[Sho_Nuff82]

I dunno, maybe talk to him about boundaries? He might be under the impression that all the food in your house is communal. I love that your first thought was sabotage though.

 

[cameron]

Talk to him. Don't mess with the food.

 

[Bread]

get off the internet and go tell him to stop eating your shit

 

[Mysterious]

This is going to sound crazy I know.

But you could try talking to him.

Yeah, but I'm not 100% sure it's him. Just 99.9% it is him. So on the 0.01% chance it's not him, it'd be awkward. But the laxatives would catch whoever it is.

 

[Permanently A]

This is going to sound crazy I know.

But you could try talking to him.

No you're doing it wrong, first the laxatives, then you have a friendly conversation about what he'll give you for the last roll of toilet paper.

 

[Tesseract]

stone cold stun the son of a bunch onto a pile of oreos then make him eat the oreos like an animal

 

[Stantron]

laxatives

 

[super-famicom]

As others said, laxatives. Then join him in clapping after he finishes your food (if you're home at the time).

 

[squidyj]

Rat poison.


Wait, no I mean laxatives.

it's like a laxative for your blood.

 

[Shalashaska]

laxatives

Laxatives.

Edit: Dammit, beaten.

turbo lax

Make it salty and put a glass of water with laxatives next to it

Yeah no I'm going to go with laxatives for this one

Rat poison.


Wait, no I mean laxatives.

This is probably the right idea.

After you give him laxatives.

EDIT: Haha, beaten to the joke.

GAF has spoken.

 

[Dabanton]

Yeah, but I'm not 100% sure it's him. Just 99.9% it is him. So on the 0.01% chance it's not him, it'd be awkward. But the laxatives would catch whoever it is.

Call a general house meeting and discuss it. I know people are suggesting laxatives but come on you don't think that would make things even more awkward?

Something is stopping you from confronting this guy are you scared of him?

 

[GrotesqueBeauty]

Ejaculate in some food and leave it out. When it disappears loudly announce exactly what was is it and wait to see who reacts.

 

[Mysterious]

I don't want to go around accusing just yet... is it a good idea to leave a sign saying, "Food is not communal. Please ask before taking."?

 

[Scoot2005]

Confront this dude with violence. Law of the Jungle. It's what I would do. Nobody fucks with my food. If he's bigger than you then get a baseball bat to smack him with it. OP's post just pisses me off reading it.

 

[Alienous]

Pretend to die of hunger. That'll fool him.

 

[Reule]

Tell him to stop eating your fucking food. If he does it again, go with laxatives. I'd be pissed if someone ate my pizza.

 

[freenudemacusers]

if you're going the sabotage route, be smart about it, and designate your tupperwares with a label marked 'Laxatives'. Then put laxatives in the other ones.

 

[Zoned]

Grow some balls and speak for your stuff.

This guy needs to get his shit straight. I can't believe you aren't even thinking of confronting him.

 

[Pathos]

You need the fridge locker

 

[Sho_Nuff82]

Yeah, but I'm not 100% sure it's him. Just 99.9% it is him. So on the 0.01% chance it's not him, it'd be awkward. But the laxatives would catch whoever it is.

Ffs, he's not going to lie about eating your shit. It's not like he could get away with it for very long if he was trying to keep it a secret. Don't be passive aggressive.

Either a) knock on his door and ask him outright or b) loudly announce the next time you're all in a group that you're not naming names, but you don't appreciate people eating your food without asking.

Either way, he gets the message. If he continues after that, then he's a dick and deserves whatever happens to him. But your life is not a sitcom, this hilarious prank could quickly escalate into a fist fight.

Edit: And please appreciate the difference between "asking" and "accusing". If you ask, and he denies it, you ask the other roommates too just so he doesn't feel targeted. Then when you catch him in the act, he's again, a dick.

 

[weemadarthur]

No you're doing it wrong, first the laxatives, then you have a friendly conversation about what he'll give you for the last roll of toilet paper.

Good point. People so commonly forget the followup. Finishing a job is important.

 

[Piecake]

I don't want to go around accusing just yet... is it a good idea to leave a sign saying, "Food is not communal. Please ask before taking."?

Stop being a passive aggressive weakling and go talk to him. He obviously does not respect you and you think some passive aggressive BS is going to work? Confronting him is the only way this is going to stop.

 

[FreeMufasa]

You were a pussy to say anything the first time so now what's yours is his. It's happened 3+ times now. If you put laxatives in his food he'll probably wax u. You shoulda man'd up and said something the first time he stole your food. Now he expects you'll cook for him.

You have 2 choices. Accept the situation you helped create by doing nothin or move out.

 

[Keyser Soze]

Seems like he came from a home where food was cooked for him by his mom/family, and he is still in that mindset now. If so, he probably does not think he is doing anything bad.

 

[GreatestHits]

Lax Max
(has anyone suggested laxatives yet?)

Edit: Shit, beaten

 

[FUME5]

Talk to the dude.

Don't go putting laxatives in the food until you've acted like an adult and tried to deal with the situation in a normal manner.

If he keeps doing it after that? Put laxatives in the food, eat it yourself and then shit all over his room or something.

 

[Tenck]

Sounds like you don't like confronting others. Just accept the fact you're going to have to cook for this guy for the rest of your life.

Or you could grow a backbone and you know, ask him if he's taking your food.

 

[Surface of Me]

Make something with human meat in it OP, curse him with the cannibalistic addiction to human flesh.

 

[Mysterious]

Edit: And please appreciate the difference between "asking" and "accusing". If you ask, and he denies it, you ask the other roommates too just so he doesn't feel targeted. Then when you catch him in the act, he's again, a dick.

Thanks, I just sent a text message since he's almost never home and I never see him, except when he comes home at like 2 or 3 AM.

"How did you take the chow mein on the stove? That was my dinner for the next few days and someone took it"

Also this guy wouldn't fight. He isn't strong or big. He's a really thin Asian boy, so yeah.

 

[WEGGLES]

Load up the food with some scotch bonnets.

Don't do laxatives, that can be dangerous. Flaming hot food, though... Make em sweat.

 

[-MD-]

Confront him or buy a mini fridge with a lock and call it a day.

 

[vikki]

You know who it is. Tell him not to eat your food.

 

[Ryaaan14]

Just glide your cock across every piece of food. Then one day non-chalantly mention that's something you do.

 

[Captain Pants]

Disclaimer: I just ended a two year stint of living with 6 other people. End them. Roommates are subhuman shitcock vermin. Come down on them with all the fury you can muster. You bought the food, it doesn't belong to anyone else. Don't put the fear of god into them. Put the fear of you into them.

My girlfriend made me an amazing meal of braised shortribs. My roommates swooped in on it and left us with no leftovers or seconds. I still get sad about it.

 

[Dereck]

You need the fridge locker

I've seen this posted multiple times here, it must be good

 

[Jarmel]

Laxatives.