It takes about 10 seconds for the funniest moment in Ted 2 to become the worst. Mind you, worst in a movie like this one from Seth MacFarlane, whose sense of humor generally bodes about as well for moviegoers as a dorsal fin does for swimmers doubles as a badge of honor. The movies opening title sequence is a musical number in which Ted that magical teddy bear first brought to insult-comic life by MacFarlane in 2012 and dancers in formalwear frolic around a skyscraping wedding cake. Its like something out of Mel Brooks but utterly sincere. The bear slides along a piano keyboard and leaps along the male dancers top hats. The leaping feels right for MacFarlane and Ted 2. He wont be happy until he has danced on your head.
Anyway, that moment. Its at a fertility clinic. For this sequel, Ted has wed his girlfriend, Tami-Lynn McCafferty (Jessica Barth), and after that wedding cake sequence, the movie flashes forward a year to a life of shouting matches in their Boston apartment. Their fellow supermarket cashier, Joy (Cocoa Brown), senses discord and crassly suggests a baby. But Ted is anatomically ill-equipped to create one or to provide adequate sexual pleasure, as Tami-Lynn might add in a Boston accent that has traveled the I-95 corridor from Queens. After some fruitless digressions, Ted asks his dim, luckless, nominally human best friend, John (Mark Wahlberg), to donate his sperm, which leads to the clinic, where John is childishly eager to show Ted his load in a room piled high with the canistered donations of other men.
One giant rack of apparently unfastened containers falls on John, leaving him soaking and screaming on the floor. Ted laughs. So do we, because watching Walhberg degrade himself this emphatically is funny. Its one of the few times in any movie that an emotion really surfaces on his face, and that the emotion is disgust somehow makes it funnier. Someone from the clinic comes in alarmed, but says not to worry. Johns only been doused with the unusable sperm of men with sickle cell. Theres no explanation of sickle cells being a blood disease that potentially affects the health of about 100,000 Americans, most of whom are African American. Theres just Ted, connecting the dots enough to say, through his laughter, that John shouldnt feel bad. You see that? Youre covered in rejected black guys sperm, he says. Youre like a Kardashian!