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The Black Culture Thread |OT9| More Priest, Less Hudlin

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Y

Young Magus

Junior Member
C

CrushDance

Banned
Dreams-Visions said:
So what are the goals of your "push" from January to June going to be? What are the specific goals and measurement for success? And what's your plan to reach each of these goals? And for context, how old are you?

(If this is about some chick, I'mma reach through the internet and punch you in the thigh.)
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It's not about a girl. There is a girl, but that's irrelevant for the most part. It's just a culmination of things in life that are giving me a disturbing sense of deja vu. As for my goals, I'm not exactly sure to be honest. The problem I find is as I said, nothing I do really seems to matter. It's just the same problems over and over again, and I don't find sex, food, drugs, adrenaline to be interesting avenues of escape. Because they're all so temporary.

I guess you asked a good question. I just want to be me. Does that make sense? I just don't want to be doubted and asked incredibly insulting questions or be told by someone I considered a friend "When I first met you, I was really scared of you. Big black guy with a beard, you looked like a rapist, haha". Or "You're a big guy, you have to be careful about how you act around people". It's all just so suffocating, and it often makes me think negatively that my size or colour, or whatever, is a problem. Which then feeds back into that doubt and makes me feel depressed, it's a terrible cycle. I get constructive criticism and social cues, but a lot of these things always seem like other people insecurities being projected onto me. I know I have flaws and failings, but I confront them and work on them. I don't go around berating others for their failings, but people seem to have no qualms about doing that to me.

I don't want anything man. Like I said, no amount of money, cars, looks, education, will change anything. I'm completely average like all the other 25 year old guys my age. I just want to live and have fun as well. To be given a chance to be me.

Edit: Thank you guys for the kind comments. And I do not mean to seem dismissive of your words, but professional help has not worked for me. I have been given medication after talk and spiritual attempts failed, and none of it worked. This is just a personal thing at my core I guess. I just don't want to live? And I cannot involve my family or friends in this at all. I don't want my parents to worry that I'm struggling again with this, and my friends, talking about this stuff in the past has always strained our relationships and made things awkward after from my point of view. Here, it's mostly anonymous.
 
D

Dreams-Visions

Member
FeenixRising said:
that came out in 1998

this however...
Click to expand...
damn that was 98? that's pretty old. Let me try again...

let's go.

CrushDance said:
It's not about a girl. There is a girl, but that's irrelevant for the most part. It's just a culmination of things in life that are giving me a disturbing sense of deja vu. As for my goals, I'm not exactly sure to be honest. The problem I find is as I said, nothing I do really seems to matter. It's just the same problems over and over again, and I don't find sex, food, drugs, adrenaline to be interesting avenues of escape. Because they're all so temporary.

I guess you asked a good question. I just want to be me. Does that make sense? I just don't want to be doubted and asked incredibly insulting questions or be told by someone I considered a friend "When I first met you, I was really scared of you. Big black guy with a beard, you looked like a rapist, haha". Or "You're a big guy, you have to be careful about how you act around people". It's all just so suffocating, and it often makes me think negatively that my size or colour, or whatever, is a problem. Which then feeds back into that doubt and makes me feel depressed, it's a terrible cycle. I get constructive criticism and social cues, but a lot of these things always seem like other people insecurities being projected onto me. I know I have flaws and failings, but I confront them and work on them. I don't go around berating others for their failings, but people seem to have no qualms about doing that to me.

I don't want anything man. Like I said, no amount of money, cars, looks, education, will change anything. I'm completely average like all the other 25 year old guys my age. I just want to live and have fun as well. To be given a chance to be me.

Edit: Thank you guys for the kind comments. And I do not mean to seem dismissive of your words, but professional help has not worked for me. I have been given medication after talk and spiritual attempts failed, and none of it worked. This is just a personal thing at my core I guess. I just don't want to live?
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So you need a crew around whom you can be yourself who enjoy you and your company. I get it. So what is it that you like to do? And how many close friends would you say you have these days?

Have any cool co-workers you can hang out with after work? Local church worth joining/considering? How about groups and organizations that share similar interests? There's a club for everything and the internet can for damn sure help you find them. Consider joining your local Toastmasters. They're pretty good at helping people get comfortable in their own skin under a spotlight and improving communication.

Also, start the year off reading this book:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/how...le-dale-carnegie/1100370318?ean=9780671027032
 
B

Boss Riovane

Member
royalan said:
No! It wouldn't!

Well, I guess if you approached a person who wasn't at all into that it would get your ass beat...but that same person likely wouldn't take too kindly to "can I get to know you in the biblical sense?" It means the same thing, only the latter is corny, out-of-touch, and a little creepy (no offense).

Let me tell you where you dudes (and ladies) be fuckin up when you're trying to get a quick somethin-somethin: you try to remove all traces of sexuality from what you're wanting to be a sexual conversation. That's just weird in this day and age.

If you're in a social situation, and there's liqour going around, and you know its a bunch of singles, there's nothing wrong with being direct and obvious about your intentions (without saying shit like "biblical sense"). Of course, you have to be completely confident when you do it, and know when to read signs to back off.

Let me give you a quick example. Out at the club a few months ago. Was making eyes with a FOINE ass dude from across the bar. At some point, when I stopped paying attention , he comes around the bar and stands next to me. When I notice him, without even missing a beat he just goes, "So, you know I'mma be beatin that up by the end of the night right?" Said that shit with all the confidence in the world. Like he and I had known each other for years and it was just a done deal.

And that shit was SO FUCKING HOT! The confidence completely sold it.

I responded with something like, "Ch...you gon be beatin whatup? This here?"

What came next was about 2 and a half hours of very obvious flirting, followed by...yeah, him beatin it up.

Wham bam.

But all this beating around the bush, and overly coded language and corny shit...ain't nobody got time for that.
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Absolutely fucking agree. Confidence family will get you every where. I'm a living witness to this shit on the daily. I'm always boxing above my class and pulling in the creme DE LA creme. Speaking of literal boxing......

CountBlackule said:
white boy got the spirit of tyson in him
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I goddamn laugh so fucking hard I damn near blacked out. My god in heaven, this motherfuckers whole goddamn lineage felt that shit. At that moment this cat hit this dude so fucking hard that you could see his brain just cease function for 6 goddamn seconds. This cat rebooted this man, set his ass back to factory settings.
 
I

ishibear

is a goddamn bear
Face it Tiger.. said:
Ishi you put an age to yourself with this post sis. 😶

find a pic of the video.. and embed a hyperlink to what you want.
Click to expand...

I'm 22 haha but my dad raised me on music from 70's to 90's songs lol

I'll have to figure this out when I'm off my phone I see. Too late for it now tho, it's 2 in the morning and I'm tired as hell

Professor Beef said:
Youtube Me Again

EDIT: Or are you asking about something else?
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The above. I wanted to know how everyone gets the vid to pop up when they link it. On most sites I've been on, its by using YouTube url but it's different on here.
 
T

TheKaeptain

Banned
Revanche said:
I goddamn laugh so fucking hard I damn near blacked out. My god in heaven, this motherfuckers whole goddamn lineage felt that shit. At that moment this cat hit this dude so fucking hard that you could see his brain just cease function for 6 goddamn seconds. This cat rebooted this man, set his ass back to factory settings.
Click to expand...

HAHAHAHAHAHA Okay I'm done I got an executive summary to write.
 
P

Professor Beef

Banned
ishibear said:
The above. I wanted to know how everyone gets the vid to pop up when they link it. On most sites I've been on, its by using YouTube url but it's different on here.
Click to expand...

Ah. Its because GAF doesn't allow video embedding by default (unless you're on mobile, but it's always been janky for me). YTMA enables it.
 
Jackben

Jackben

bitch I'm taking calls.
ishibear said:
I'm 22 haha but my dad raised me on music from 70's to 90's songs lol

I'll have to figure this out when I'm off my phone I see. Too late for it now tho, it's 2 in the morning and I'm tired as hell



The above. I wanted to know how everyone gets the vid to pop up when they link it. On most sites I've been on, its by using YouTube url but it's different on here.
Click to expand...
On mobile GAF there is an option to embed YouTube activated by default so that is probably what you are seeing. Good music ishi, I'd link Redbone in reply but the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack wore it out. So instead I will link some jazz. Weather Report - Birdland
 
I

ishibear

is a goddamn bear
Professor Beef said:
Ah. Its because GAF doesn't allow video embedding by default (unless you're on mobile, but it's always been janky for me). YTMA enables it.
Click to expand...

Jackben said:
On mobile GAF there is an option to embed YouTube activated by default so that is probably what you are seeing. Good music ishi, I'd link Redbone in reply but the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack wore it out.
Click to expand...

Oh that explains it. Thanks, I'll try to get after sleep.
 
C

CrushDance

Banned
Dreams-Visions said:
damn that was 98? that's pretty old. Let me try again...

let's go.


So you need a crew around whom you can be yourself who enjoy you and your company. I get it. So what is it that you like to do? And how many close friends would you say you have these days?

Have any cool co-workers you can hang out with after work? Local church worth joining/considering? How about groups and organizations that share similar interests? There's a club for everything and the internet can for damn sure help you find them. Consider joining your local Toastmasters. They're pretty good at helping people get comfortable in their own skin under a spotlight and improving communication.

Also, start the year off reading this book:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/how...le-dale-carnegie/1100370318?ean=9780671027032
Click to expand...
But how do I reach out then? I get what you're saying, and I clicked your link. But this is all going back again to the "There's something wrong with you" line of thinking that I've struggled with so much. Let me give you an example, the post above where that poster talks about confidence and sex. I wouldn't do that, it's not my personality. If I liked a girl, I would talk to her, ask her out for coffee, talk some more, and then go on an actual date somewhere. But in not doing that, you're suddenly a creep? The other week I went to a party with some friends, this girl there was brushing up against me the whole night and I finally just said "What's the point in saving yourself? Everyone just hooks up these days anyway." So I surprised myself even and ended up grabbing her and going upstairs with that girl, we kissed for a bit and fooled around. But I just couldn't do it, it wasn't me. I knew this girl, but I didn't know her that well, and I didn't feel anything for her. After a bit she finally said "Hey Crush, if you don't want to. It's fine. I know that's not what you're like." We both got off the bed and she kissed me again before we went back downstairs and ended up sleeping beside one another.

And that's what I'm trying to get across. This girl and I, we've known one another for years and even after that night, we still joke around and hang out all the time. The people that know me, know that I'm very principled, maybe to a fault. But that I have integrity when it comes to tenants in my life. And what I'm trying to say, is that it's so difficult though when people make assumptions. I am very social, have no trouble making friends or meeting new people, but I have a tremendous amount of failure when I show emotion. And moreso negative emotion, if I get angry, people just freeze up, if I'm sad, people think I'm angry, if I'm quite, people think I'm angry. I don't just have one emotion! But I'm constantly being pigeon holed into "He's angry", when I'm not laughing or smiling. I can't smile every second of the day. So for a while I just shut it all down and was very stoic. And yet even then, same things.

I guess that's what this is really about. How people perceive me. People always say "be yourself", "Who cares what people think", but even when your friends see you just siting there, quite. And ask if you're angry, it starts to become tiring very quickly. Don't they know me? Ever since I was a kid, teachers would always ask my parents why I was so angry. I just find it so tiring and frustrating having to act happy all the time, maybe that's why I hate life. Every time I go out to work or even school, gotta smile! Fuck off.
 
J

jWILL253

Banned
Sometimes, you just gotta let shit go, man. If you let go of whatever is draining you emotionally and mentally, it'll get better.

Take me for instance. I used to desire to be in a relationship. I used to get jealous of other people in relationships, even if they were just fuck buddies, because I wanted that for myself. Used to drive me insane, to the point of thinking about suicide.

But I eventually accepted that I'll most likely die alone. And while I still try to go on dates, I've accepted that I'll probably never find a woman for me. But I'm okay with that. I let it go. Now, I can focus that energy on other things that actually make me happy...
 
F

FeenixRising

Banned
MagusKen said:
What were the singles for that album again?

And with all the 00's hip-hop throwback it looks like I came in at the wrong time to ask for Jazz recommendations lol.
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yes you did, pleighboi
birdman.png
 
R

ReiGun

Member
CrushDance said:
I'm just going to post this here because I don't want anyone in real life to know. But I've been sincerely thinking about killing myself the last couple weeks, and reading that suicide thread in OT made me give pause(To how). I'm not sure about how I would go about it, but I'm not scared. I've thought about it in the past and talked to my parents, therapists, friends; and they all told me the usual. So it's nothing that I haven't heard before.

My plan is to honestly just give it 6 more months from January and see how it goes. I'm not sure how many of you know me or ever interacted with me on GAF when I was more active. But I've gone through a lot of silly things and have persisted. Because I always was told that things improved and that I just had to be more outgoing, be more in shape, be more rich, etc, etc. But despite all of those things, I have learned that if people like you, they will like you for you. That all my past jealousy about why X girl was with Y guy, was not about race, his car, his wallet or anything else. That she just liked him. That my struggles academically were because I wasn't focused, not because I was less intelligent. That my weight had to do with using food as coping with life, instead of actually being hungry.

And so I did a lot of self reflection and grew tremendously as a person in my life. Things did improve, true. But I'm still living the same empty life. And that's why I'm just so exhausted now with it all. Because it seems that I'm stuck in a continuous cycle of ups and downs regarding my dreams and aspirations. The things that I want, I never get. If it's for me, if it's school, work, working out, etc. It gets done and done very well. But if it's with other people, it's just constant failure. And I really beat myself up over it in the past, because I felt that it was my fault. That I didn't smile enough, talk enough, go out enough, etc. And even though I changed and forced my personality to change, the only times I ever felt wanted, was when I was acting. Be it "acting black" and having people laugh, "Acting cool" and attracting a girl...I just can't ever be me. Quite, calm, witty, giving...I just get called a pushover, weak, unmanly, soft...The other week my manager railed on me for something trivial and used it as leverage to attack me personally. He ended up looking like an idiot and our district manager telling him to apologize. But it really cut me deep though as I thought we had a good working relationship, then he just assaulted me on a personal level in front of other people. And he doesn't even know me outside of work. I'm so tired of people expecting me to live up to their stereotypes or expectations, then when I don't, they just walk away from me. I'm a human being!

The short of it is this. For the next 6 months, I will give it another push and just try my best to be me. But during this time, I'm going to work a lot more at my job and make a lot of money. I'm going to pay what little bills I have, sell my stuff and set aside a nice chunk of money for my family and for my parents. I owe them that much at least. As I said before, I'm not sure how I'll do it, but I think that giving myself this time, will clear that up. I don't know what's going on to be honest, but I'm just tired of this life. It's just not for me. I thought about joining the military, traveling, or giving my life to a certain cause. But all of those things are just me giving my life to something in order to live. It wouldn't be any different than now anyway. Frankly, I wish that I could give my "life" to someone that needs it, but that's impossible. I'm not sure why I said this, GAF has always been kind to me, I'm not looking to be talked out of it. As I said, I've heard it all before. But I dunno...I guess I just needed to talk.
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Crush, I don't know all of what I'm want to say here as I'm coming mostly off the top of my head, but I want to preface it by saying that my aim is not to come across as accusatory or judgmental. So if I do, apologies.

I want to say that I hear you man. I've never really discussed it here (at least, not in this thread), but I've considered suicide several times over the last two years and several more times in my life. I read your words and I relate. The same sense of doubt, the constant criticizing yourself, the feeling that you're stuck and life is empty, the rejection of advice because "you've heard it all before," the same feeling that there is something broken at your core. So I don't begrudge you for feeling like it's too much and just wanting to get it all over with. Because who wants to live when it feels like it's just always raining with no chance of seeing the sun?

That said, I'm glad you're giving it six months. Because I don't think suicide is the answer, and I believe the fact that you're holding off to see what happens means you aren't convinced it is either. Which means there is some hope there. I'm going to join those encouraging you to seek some professional help. I know you say you've done therapy already, so you may be hesitant. However, a good trained professional is going to do more for you than any of us on Gaf. So I would advise giving it another chance, if you can.

That said, what can I help you with? I don't really have much in the way of advice. I do not know you personally, and even if I did, I'm not you. I don't know your life or your mind as well as you do, so what works for me may not work for you. Also, if you're anything like me, I know any advice I give atm is likely going to sound like bullshit.

That said, the best I can do is give you my perspective and how I deal as someone going through something similar. A little background on me: graduated from college two years ago and my life came to a halt. Couldn't find work, social life evaporated, spent most of my days in my room hating myself. Ended 2013 landing an internship at Zenimax Games, was fired a month later, fast forward to now and I'm working retail and only just figuring out what I want to do with my life. I've struggled with low self-esteem, social anxiety, and depression since I was a teenager, maybe even a little before. Even today, I struggle with thinking I'm not smart enough, strong enough, good enough to deserve anything in life. I criticize myself in social situations. I think I'm ugly a lot of the time (I can clean up pretty well, tho). I've never even kissed a girl (so hey, you're doing better than me there lol), let alone been in a relationship with one. Fear and anger and loneliness and bitterness and self-loathing defined my "normal" for so long.

What helps me in dealing with all that is changing my perspective. Trying as hard as I can to redefine my idea of "normal" and unlearn so much of how I see the world. That's key to everything really. I wake up everyday and try to challenge my thoughts on everything: myself, people, the world, emotions, concepts, whatever. Learning to see things, if not in a more positive light, then at least in one that doesn't cause me so much pain. The biggest one was redefining what I think happiness is. I used to see it this thing that should be constant; "I should be happy all the time, and if I am not, then there is something wrong with me. Then I am weak and broken." Instead, I've begun to think of happiness as I do all other emotions: as something fleeting and brought on by outside stimuli. I changed my goal from being "happy" to simply being "well." To getting to a place where I don't feel like everyday is struggle just to be so that if I am happy, I can at least appreciate it.

Like JWILL said, sometimes you have to let things go. Even things you're told you should want. I too decided to let go of the idea of being in a relationship when I thought about how I'm not in one, it caused me this incredible pain that brought all my insecurities bubbling to the surface. Letting go of that freed me to be a little more positive, to think a little differently.

If you want to be you, you have to be you defiantly, I think. Which is hard, I know. Because it seems like there's always parts of you that you can't share because of how it affects others. Because you fear they'll reject you and its suffocating when you just know if they understood, they would act differently. But I came to a place where I'm willing to risk it just to breathe. Even with people I love. My best friend is someone I love and admire deeply, but she doesn't always get me, and while I try to be understanding, more and more I have to make the call to put my mental and emotional health over hers. To be me defiantly, even if I run the risk of making her (or anyone else) uneasy. Because people will box you in and keep you there.

I know I'm making this all sound easy, but I know it's not. These are all very recent revelations and everyday is a fight (though some are easier than others). I just know that ultimately, the answers have to come from you. You're not hopeless; by the sheer virtue of the fact that you're here talking to us, I'd guess you have some hope. But any answers you come up with have to come from some change in how you see things. I wish I could tell you exactly what to do because I hate to think you're out there suffering, but I can't really. All I can tell you is I hope you don't reach the end of your six months and decide that it's not worth it anymore.

Anyway, I hope this has been some help. Again, I don't really have any great advice, just my experiences and perspective. I hope you see better days. I'm here if you need me.
 
K

Kreed

Member
CrushDance said:
But how do I reach out then? I get what you're saying, and I clicked your link. But this is all going back again to the "There's something wrong with you" line of thinking that I've struggled with so much. Let me give you an example, the post above where that poster talks about confidence and sex. I wouldn't do that, it's not my personality. If I liked a girl, I would talk to her, ask her out for coffee, talk some more, and then go on an actual date somewhere. But in not doing that, you're suddenly a creep? The other week I went to a party with some friends, this girl there was brushing up against me the whole night and I finally just said "What's the point in saving yourself? Everyone just hooks up these days anyway." So I surprised myself even and ended up grabbing her and going upstairs with that girl, we kissed for a bit and fooled around. But I just couldn't do it, it wasn't me. I knew this girl, but I didn't know her that well, and I didn't feel anything for her. After a bit she finally said "Hey Crush, if you don't want to. It's fine. I know that's not what you're like." We both got off the bed and she kissed me again before we went back downstairs and ended up sleeping beside one another.

And that's what I'm trying to get across. This girl and I, we've known one another for years and even after that night, we still joke around and hang out all the time. The people that know me, know that I'm very principled, maybe to a fault. But that I have integrity when it comes to tenants in my life. And what I'm trying to say, is that it's so difficult though when people make assumptions. I am very social, have no trouble making friends or meeting new people, but I have a tremendous amount of failure when I show emotion. And moreso negative emotion, if I get angry, people just freeze up, if I'm sad, people think I'm angry, if I'm quite, people think I'm angry. I don't just have one emotion! But I'm constantly being pigeon holed into "He's angry", when I'm not laughing or smiling. I can't smile every second of the day. So for a while I just shut it all down and was very stoic. And yet even then, same things.

I guess that's what this is really about. How people perceive me. People always say "be yourself", "Who cares what people think", but even when your friends see you just siting there, quite. And ask if you're angry, it starts to become tiring very quickly. Don't they know me? Ever since I was a kid, teachers would always ask my parents why I was so angry. I just find it so tiring and frustrating having to act happy all the time, maybe that's why I hate life. Every time I go out to work or even school, gotta smile! Fuck off.
Click to expand...

1) I know you said you reached out for help, but just going to say this anyway in case you haven't and for any one else reading, please call the suicide hotline before making any decisions over your life. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Also, you mentioned you talked to your family/friends about your suicide? Keep talking to them, and make sure you talk about the stuff you just mentioned in this thread. Having at least one person you know in real life talking to you/fully aware of what you're going through will help a lot.

2) You mentioned you thought about traveling? Where to? Because it really sounds like you need a change of scenery, even if it's only for a little while. Traveling to a new place/exploring this big earth will really help you with perspective and realizing that you aren't as "trapped" as you may feel right now. In your case and based on some of what you put in quotations as to comments people are making towards you, I think you may want to try traveling to Africa. This article shared in this thread previously gives a couple of good reasons why it would be a great experience for you:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ernest-owens/5-lessons-traveling-to-af_b_6065146.html

3) Do you enjoy/love what you do for a living? Forget what ever money you're making, if you can't say yes to that question, you should change careers. Do something you've always wanted to do.

4) Following number 3, what are some other things you've always wanted to do? Climb a mountain? Run a marathon? Skydive? Make a list of things you've always wanted to do and start trying to do them.

5) Do you have any pets? Get a Jandro dog or a cat. They won't judge you.

Regardless, do NOT give up CrushDance. You are too young and this world is too big for you to decide "my life is not worth living".
 
A

andthebeatgoeson

Junior Member
Crush, from experience, some mental health workers are trash. They see you, write a script and shove you out. Of course, money talks but I didn't know you can see a real therapist and negotiate a rate. See them the first time and ask if you they would be willing to see you for less. It's over if those secrets that other people feel privileged to ask and others wouldn't even think of bringing up. I got mine, several years back for $100 less per hour. Just saying, your life is worth more than any amount of money.

2: it always gets better. Unfortunately, it can take a long time for some. I would say you need to hunt down a few different psychiatrists or psychologists.
 
D

double jump

you haven't lived until a random little kid ask you "how do you make love".
All I can say is forcefully seek out as much help as possible before you make any life altering decisions and fuck other peoples feelings in the mean time. Be selfish when it comes to your mental and emotional health.


it always gets better. Unfortunately, it can take a long time for some.
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This cant be said enough especially the long time part.

If we're being honest I still haven't received professional help for my bouts of depression but opening up to my family about what I go threw helped a lot. I also try watch out for any triggers of negativity.

Sorry if anything I typed seems contradictory but hopefully something I wrote will be of help to someone.
 
D

Deleted member 47027

Unconfirmed Member
CrushDance said:
But how do I reach out then? I get what you're saying, and I clicked your link. But this is all going back again to the "There's something wrong with you" line of thinking that I've struggled with so much. Let me give you an example, the post above where that poster talks about confidence and sex. I wouldn't do that, it's not my personality. If I liked a girl, I would talk to her, ask her out for coffee, talk some more, and then go on an actual date somewhere. But in not doing that, you're suddenly a creep? The other week I went to a party with some friends, this girl there was brushing up against me the whole night and I finally just said "What's the point in saving yourself? Everyone just hooks up these days anyway." So I surprised myself even and ended up grabbing her and going upstairs with that girl, we kissed for a bit and fooled around. But I just couldn't do it, it wasn't me. I knew this girl, but I didn't know her that well, and I didn't feel anything for her. After a bit she finally said "Hey Crush, if you don't want to. It's fine. I know that's not what you're like." We both got off the bed and she kissed me again before we went back downstairs and ended up sleeping beside one another.

And that's what I'm trying to get across. This girl and I, we've known one another for years and even after that night, we still joke around and hang out all the time. The people that know me, know that I'm very principled, maybe to a fault. But that I have integrity when it comes to tenants in my life. And what I'm trying to say, is that it's so difficult though when people make assumptions. I am very social, have no trouble making friends or meeting new people, but I have a tremendous amount of failure when I show emotion. And moreso negative emotion, if I get angry, people just freeze up, if I'm sad, people think I'm angry, if I'm quite, people think I'm angry. I don't just have one emotion! But I'm constantly being pigeon holed into "He's angry", when I'm not laughing or smiling. I can't smile every second of the day. So for a while I just shut it all down and was very stoic. And yet even then, same things.

I guess that's what this is really about. How people perceive me. People always say "be yourself", "Who cares what people think", but even when your friends see you just siting there, quite. And ask if you're angry, it starts to become tiring very quickly. Don't they know me? Ever since I was a kid, teachers would always ask my parents why I was so angry. I just find it so tiring and frustrating having to act happy all the time, maybe that's why I hate life. Every time I go out to work or even school, gotta smile! Fuck off.
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I don't have much to say Crush but I want to let you know I'm in therapy and it's actually helping. Sometimes it takes a few failed efforts to find the right therapist. It can get expensive and it may feel like you don't have a lot of time or money to sink into something that may or may not help, but honest to goodness, investing in your own mental health and well-being is completely worth doing and is the best money I've ever spent - and I've spent money on everything.

TLDR - therapy helps.

If you have any questions about it, or want to read anything that I've read that has legit helped me (not the same problems, but we can all use education when it comes to mental health) feel free to PM me. This is about you my dude, and I'll do whatever I can to help.
 
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Vince McMahon said:
I don't have much to say Crush but I want to let you know I'm in therapy and it's actually helping. Sometimes it takes a few failed efforts to find the right therapist. It can get expensive and it may feel like you don't have a lot of time or money to sink into something that may or may not help, but honest to goodness, investing in your own mental health and well-being is completely worth doing and is the best money I've ever spent - and I've spent money on everything.

TLDR - therapy helps.

If you have any questions about it, or want to read anything that I've read that has legit helped me (not the same problems, but we can all use education when it comes to mental health) feel free to PM me. This is about you my dude, and I'll do whatever I can to help.
Click to expand...

I have to second this. There aren't a whole lot of psychiatrists in my area (the one I go to is still pretty shitty but all the others are a good hour or two away), but there are a lot of therapists, and a different place for therapy has helped a bunch.
 
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