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[Butterfly Witch]

No longer a safe space.

Sadly this happened.

 

[Anastasia]

I've thought about making a new chat using Discord. But it depends on how many would be interested in joining.

 

[Misha]

I've thought about making a new chat using Discord. But it depends on how many would be interested in joining.

I'd join. Ive been meaning to start using discord anyway

 

[Nudull]

I've thought about making a new chat using Discord. But it depends on how many would be interested in joining.

I'd be open to it.

 

[Anastasia]

Okay, I made a Discord room. Threw together a logo for it as well:

https://discord.gg/0wNqGLGv1xyKg8Q3

I'm pretty sure you'll have to make a Discord account, but that should be easy enough.

Edit: Made a new invite.

 

[Platy]

No longer a safe space.

What happened ?

 

[Sibylus]

What happened ?

Multiple leaks of channel content, combined with moderation fatigue.

 

[Amalthea]

Where did the content leak?

 

[Sibylus]

Where did the content leak?

Impossible to make a full accounting. A few public leaks and high-schoolesque gossip backchannels at minimum.

 

[AppleSeason]

I just finished the first part of Whipping Girl during my morning conmute, and the feeling is that this book is helping me more than one thousand therapists, gatekeepers and "people from the internet" ever did. There's one thing that has always been causing me a lot of conflict with my self identification, feeling like a fake trans, and the doubts about continuing to transition or undergo bottom surgery. And now it makes sense.


Thanks, Julia. Odd thing that we picked the same name, though.

 

[IceDoesntHelp]

):


this is hard.

 

[Hella Lugosi]

I had to run out to my car to get something and I was dressed but didn't have my hair or anything else ready yet. There's people walking back-and-forth outside and I didn't want them to see me, so I waited for them to be facing away before running outside.

Gave a whole new meaning to the term "stealth".

 

[IceDoesntHelp]

I found a doctor where I live now, which is great. They are super close by.

 

[mollipen]

I found a doctor where I live now, which is great. They are super close by.

Good luck!

 

[AppleSeason]

Looks like the only good month for SRS is December. Doing it after that means losing one month of salary in unpaid temporary leave as my vacation count resets and I can't request the total so early in 2017.
I'd spend both Xmas holidays and New Year's Eve alone, but... well, that's been the norm for me since 2013 until I reconciled with my family in December 2015. I'm worried because around that time my depression is usually at peak levels, and I will be alone for those four weeks... Heck, I wont even be able to get drunk with so many meds in my body.


I've been feeling fairly courageous this week. I just hope I don't start freaking out again immediately after paying or at the point of no return. I have accepted that whatever comes out, I have no voice over it and I will have to accept it, having already picked a better surgeon than what I was offered at first. Whatever I get something passable or the ugliest ever neovagina, I need to mentalice myself that the result will be "Deal with it". Not to mention the fear of surgery, that can totally wreck me.
This being my third time going under the knife, I know what to expect. The 24 hours immediately after waking up from anaesthesia will be the worst will I will moan non stop about "I was wrong, I should have never done this, I've ruined my body, I did not need this surgery, I was ok without it", while riding high on discomfort, nausea and not being allowed to asume a reclined position, asking for water all the time while probably not getting it until the first batch of pills comes. After that it will come the realization that I will have to be stuck and enduring for the next 3-5 days while spewing anger at the internet...

Then comes the unpacking day. shit, that's gonna be scary. Why do they have to give Hello Kitty mirrors?

 

[Ekai]

I hope it all goes well, Apple. If you need someone to talk to or anything during that time I'd be happy to. I get the loneliness thing loud and clear here.

Oh, also, I'm back. Need to have some talks with a few specific individuals about some things but I'm back.

 

[WaffleTaco]

Well it has been sometime since I have lasted posted here...and that was me trying to figure out not to be trans or something of that nature, along with not wanting it. This honestly just seems completely bizarre, and odd considering that I basically came out to parents and broke up with my girlfriend over it and started hormones for a couple months. Anyway since I last posted in here August, my transgender feelings came back in October as they usually do, and lasted until March are so...as they usually do. I guess the reason for saying this or even bothering, since the last thing I said was transphobic, is that...if you decide to transition, than go for it. If you go back in the closet, just to be normal, realise that you are wasting time you could have used transitioning. Before you know it, a whole year will have gone by.

 

[Team Alucard]

.

I'll second this.

I should have done something years ago when I first knew, but instead I kept it bottled up for almost a decade and now its too late.

 

[Platy]

I'll second this.

I should have done something years ago when I first knew, but instead I kept it bottled up for almost a decade and now its too late.

It is never too late

Actualy, eldery people are very androginous

 

[Butterfly Witch]

Well it has been sometime since I have lasted posted here...and that was me trying to figure out not to be trans or something of that nature, along with not wanting it. This honestly just seems completely bizarre, and odd considering that I basically came out to parents and broke up with my girlfriend over it and started hormones for a couple months. Anyway since I last posted in here August, my transgender feelings came back in October as they usually do, and lasted until March are so...as they usually do. I guess the reason for saying this or even bothering, since the last thing I said was transphobic, is that...if you decide to transition, than go for it. If you go back in the closet, just to be normal, realise that you are wasting time you could have used transitioning. Before you know it, a whole year will have gone by.

If you need resources and links again please do PM me

There's a new group if you want an invite to it then just PM me

It is never too late

Actualy, eldery people are very androginous

Agree wholeheartedly, it's never too late.

 

[Llyrwenne]

Hiya there TransGAF. o/

I don’t know if this is the right place for this, but I kinda need to vent some stuff that’s been going on in my head lately and I figured this was the most appropriate place for this…

I’ve lately been dealing with the realization that I don’t much identify with my biological gender ( male ) and that I in many ways wish that I were someone else. Thoughts about stuff like that have been floating round my head since the beginning of last year ( possibly longer? Iunno, I never really thought about this actively until more recently :/ ), but it was never ‘real’ to me until a month or two ago, where this stuff started bouncing around in my head constantly. Thoughts on starting to dislike certain aspects of my body and expectations I feel are placed on me, wishing I could act certain ways or dress certain ways. Often this train of thought will start and then lead to me thinking I definitely want to be someone else, that I would rather live as a woman, but then almost immediately after that my brain sometimes just ‘snaps back’ and just kinda goes ‘nah, all is fine as is now’ and this is all horribly confusing and frustrating to me. I’ve reached a point now where I feel that I should talk to someone about this, someone who can help me with this stuff, as I just feel like I’m not part of anything right now… I’ll sometimes look online and see stories of others, but it all doesn’t line up with me, and that makes me feel.. less? Like I ‘should’ve known’ earlier, or like I should feel like those people, or like I should feel stronger than what I feel right now… it makes me feel like what I feel is just ‘fake’ or something… iunno. My parents will be away for a few days at the beginning of May, so I wanna try out some stuff myself then ( because even though I talked to my parents yesterday about these feelings and they’re fine with it whatever happens ( yay \o/ ), I still feel like there’s some things I do not need them around for ) and see how I feel then, but it just seems so far away somehow.

Anyway that’s just kinda a short ‘rant’ ~ Not much to go on I know, but there’s lotsa stuff I don’t feel comfortable about just throwing out here because.. reasons.. and stuff. Just felt like sharing, so.. uh.. enjoy! x3

 

[Platy]

Be carefull with your wording of "being someone else" because being trans has nothing to do with that. You don't turn into another person ... you just exteriorize who you are.

If you really want to be someone else than you are kinda doing it for the wrong reasons. You CAN dress whatever you want and act whatever you want without any transition ... try to decide if you just want to break gender norms or you actualy want to transition.

What I am trying to say is that your post sounds like you need more self discovery. There is no "less trans" or "more trans", but be sure that you are doing everything for the right reasons

 

[Llyrwenne]

Yeah, wrong wording I realize. Not very good with words tbh here, not what I meant. Not 'someone else' as in being another person. More accurate would be that I feel like I'm holding in a lot of stuff inside of me / pressing a lot of stuff down because I don't feel like I have a vent for it / way to act stuff out because of some stupid fear of being 'weird'. Like I can't show certain parts of me. Egh iunno. And yes I am still trying to find out what it is I feel exactly etc, which is why I was unsure about posting it here initially... That post was not meant to say 'hey I'm transgender halp now pls', but more that I am confused about myself and my brain is jumping to certain conclusions and I'm trying to figure out why n how. Was curious if any in here that know / have known anyone in similar situation and how they dealt with it... But if this is the inappropriate thread for this then by all means, please redirect me to a thread where it would fit better. .w.

 

[Kinsei]

It's possible that you are gender fluid and the reason you "snap back" to being a guy is because in that moment you are a guy. It's also entirely possible that it's your fears and doubts manifesting that way. I highly recommend you start seeing a gender therapist.

 

[AppleSeason]

It's also entirely possible that it's your fears and doubts manifesting that way..

That would be me, whenever I think about detransition is when I am so stressed that I look for a safe way out and everything before seemed so easy and simpler.


Apparently, I've been deemed "Persona Non Grata" by the extended family. In case there's a funeral (and quite possible other social familiar events), they don't want me there "stealing the spotlight" and turning everything into a circus. Followed by the usual "think about out feelings and stop hurting us".
So many years and little has changed since that "Don't transition, you will hurt us". Just that I never expected that only 3 family members would accept me.

 

[IceDoesntHelp]

Besides waxing is there anyway to stop irritation spots from popping up on my thighs?
Cause every time i shave i get irritation on my thighs, and only my thighs.

 

[User1608]

Hi again girls and boys. Hope you're all doing well!!!

I guess I've been doing pretty okay lately. One step at a time, that's what I'm doing.

 

[Nudull]

I've been meaning to check out some books (including Whipping Girl), and I wanted to find a therapist again, but that's all been in the backburner due to money. With the new job and all, though, I should be getting back on track.

 

[AppleSeason]

Whipping Girl could be called "Transgender's guide to the Cis Galaxy". I've learned more on those pages about why we are treated like crap than in years of enduring Cis bullcrap. I'd like to find other good reads similar to WG, but I'm not sure I can stomach a lot more. I usually need breaks from the book.

 

[Rösti]

Besides waxing is there anyway to stop irritation spots from popping up on my thighs?
Cause every time i shave i get irritation on my thighs, and only my thighs.

Maybe Nair could be a solution to this issue?

I think there is one for sensitive skin.

 

[IceDoesntHelp]

Maybe Nair could be a solution to this issue?

I think there is one for sensitive skin.

Thanks but I've used Nair before, says on the label not to use it if starts burning, and every time I use it it feels like its burning, so I don't know if I should continue to use it or not.

I found a page with like 10 tips today on making it so my legs don't get irritated, so I'm a try those on Monday.

 

[Team Alucard]

Gold Bond Rough and Bumpy helps with the razor bumps and ingrown hairs.

As does a Glycolic acid body wash


I used nair once on my ass and my skin broke out like crazy. If your skin is sensitive to shaving then chemical depilatories will generally be even worse.

 

[IceDoesntHelp]

Are you sure your not just a metrosexual?
Im a girl i dont want to be a guy but i never acted like a girl.
Arent you straight? Dont you like girls? Doesnt make sense.






This close [] to losing my mind

 

[AppleSeason]

Detransition. Guess this is goodbye. After three years I can't go on. The reason I am scared of SRS is that I kept fearing that sooner or later I would detransition and being a dickless man would be even worse.

For me transitionion late in life was never going to work. I knew from the beggining that it was too late for me and I was too damaged for this to ever work. I deluded myself. I put all of my hopes into FFS. It did not work. Once I came back from Thailand I tried to not face the reality that I looked exacty the same. An scalpel can't change when you have absolutely no base. After accepting that I would never pass, the depression and the want to detransition began. No wonder I began rejecting the implants. I should never have transitioned. I should not be alive and everything should have ended three years ago. I could not be a man, but I can't be visibly trans either. There's only one path for me, the one I did not take.

Don't bother with posting help lines or sending pm's. For me this is the end. The money saved for years for srs will go to undoing all of this, and then... Transition was never a viable solution for me.

 

[Butterfly Witch]

Detransition. Guess this is goodbye. After three years I can't go on. The reason I am scared of SRS is that I kept fearing that sooner or later I would detransition and being a dickless man would be even worse.

For me transitionion late in life was never going to work. I knew from the beggining that it was too late for me and I was too damaged for this to ever work. I deluded myself. I put all of my hopes into FFS. It did not work. Once I came back from Thailand I tried to not face the reality that I looked exacty the same. An scalpel can't change when you have absolutely no base. After accepting that I would never pass, the depression and the want to detransition began. No wonder I began rejecting the implants. I should never have transitioned. I should not be alive and everything should have ended three years ago. I could not be a man, but I can't be visibly trans either. There's only one path for me, the one I did not take.

Don't bother with posting help lines or sending pm's. For me this is the end. The money saved for years for srs will go to undoing all of this, and then... Transition was never a viable solution for me.

Please talk to me.

I understand you feel sure about these feelings right now so you have nothing to lose by reaching out.

I beg you, please talk.

 

[Sibylus]

Please talk to me.

I understand you feel sure about these feelings right now so you have nothing to lose by reaching out.

I beg you, please talk.

Also willing to talk, Apple.

 

[Platy]

And people will use this case to say that "trans people don't know what they are doing" ... when it is OBVIOUSLY that society is transphobic as hell and some people can't take it

 

[Nudull]

Also willing to talk, Apple.

Same here.

Please, talk to us, Apple. We're all here for you.

 

[AppleSeason]

To make it quick: Transition eased my dysphoria a lot. I remember the happiness when I could see my face after ffs and I even learned to like my implants.

But by the time I tried to live a normal trans free life again, society crushed me. I looked OK, bit obviously trans. No matter the surgery, everything has a limit and I was 100% unpassable before. Between my family, the constants "I think you are a man", the " you have a dick? Yes? *silence*, the weird inquisitive looks of "you don't belong here" whenever I entered a bathroom, I began having depression again. I felt lonely, unlovable and that I would neverbe able to be with somebody again. Chasers would tail me online.

I don't cope well with lonely and rejection, and I got pure transphobia when I tried to reintegrate back into society. Then the detransition thoughts came, and over time I became suicidal.

I don't deal well with being visibly trans and how society treats you. I collapse until all of this crap. So my options are detransitioning to mitigate all of this (while convincing myself that dysphoria was not that bad), or pulling the plug. I can't ensure living like this, and obviously I can't proceed towards SRS despite how much I would love, as it would make a detransition I need to survive impossible.

 

[Platy]

You can totaly be a passable cis man with a vagina .... just ask any passable Trans Man xD

 

[Team Alucard]

And people will use this case to say that "trans people don't know what they are doing" ... when it is OBVIOUSLY that society is transphobic as hell and some people can't take it

That's not a reason for someone to continue living in misery.

Im not saying detransition is the right decision, its a personal choice that should be completely up to the individual

But if someone honestly feels they would be happier going back into the closet, then they shouldn't be shamed or guilted into continuing their transition just because bigots may use them as an example to spread their hateful agenda.

 

[AppleSeason]

bigots may use them as an example to spread their hateful agenda.

When I said it I got sent a Link to the CHelsea Attonley piece of news.The extra transphobic version lying about SRS. I had to counter with the Vice article explaining that it was about loneliness / being unable to find a partner.


Apart from that, I've peaked at genital dysphoria today. I had to force myself to enter the gym and see if I could relax a bit. As far as I can remember, I tried to stop myself from transitioning multiple times before actually starting. And it's been hell between also having to confront the gatekeeper again in a control session (guy is transphobic) to decide if I am kept on hormones.

 

[Platy]

That's not a reason for someone to continue living in misery.

I am not saying this because of Apple, specialy because if Apple thinks this is the best thing to do, this will not make Apple to live happy ... it is just trading transphobia with general ignorance and dysphoria.
And general ignorance is a big step ... since we have social media and people's memory =P
Like I said before, things need to be made for the right reason and I REALLY don't believe this is the right reason like I don't believe that person who said that will never transition because of fear of not being passable is a right reason. But if they want to do stuff for the wrong reasons go for it ... do you want me to start using male pronoums now ?
People can do what they want but not doing for the right reasons do not receive my sympathy

But I was saying that the problem is people who say that detransition only happens because of regret of being trans, not regret of facing transphobia. The main diference is that transphobia is something that will get better over time as society evolves

 

[Lady Gaia]

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling, Apple. You are unfortunately caught in the crosshairs of a cultural battle aimed at making all of us targets for suspicion at the moment. Depending on where you live the effect can be subtle or extreme — and it sounds like you're getting the worst of it.

The "good news" is that this kind of vocal attack is only happening because we're making progress. It's a vicious reaction to the reality that transgender people are becoming more widely accepted, so those wedded to our historical marginalization are making a fuss while they think they can still turn the tide. They're wrong, which doesn't make it any easier for someone like you just trying to get by, but it does mean they'll lose in time. Hang in there, however you need to in order to get by. It will get better and you shouldn't have to burn any bridges in the meantime.

Detransition if that's what's right for you, by all means. Or step back in the closet if that's enough for the time it takes to get society moving in the right direction again. The haters are going to hate while they can and it's not your responsibility to push back. Let the rest of us do what we can and look out for your own mental health.

We care about you, and so will many others when the haze clears and they realize how badly you've been treated. Stay safe.

 

[gloriousd]

To make it quick: Transition eased my dysphoria a lot. I remember the happiness when I could see my face after ffs and I even learned to like my implants.

But by the time I tried to live a normal trans free life again, society crushed me. I looked OK, bit obviously trans. No matter the surgery, everything has a limit and I was 100% unpassable before. Between my family, the constants "I think you are a man", the " you have a dick? Yes? *silence*, the weird inquisitive looks of "you don't belong here" whenever I entered a bathroom, I began having depression again. I felt lonely, unlovable and that I would neverbe able to be with somebody again. Chasers would tail me online.

I don't cope well with lonely and rejection, and I got pure transphobia when I tried to reintegrate back into society. Then the detransition thoughts came, and over time I became suicidal.

I don't deal well with being visibly trans and how society treats you. I collapse until all of this crap. So my options are detransitioning to mitigate all of this (while convincing myself that dysphoria was not that bad), or pulling the plug. I can't ensure living like this, and obviously I can't proceed towards SRS despite how much I would love, as it would make a detransition I need to survive impossible.

I don't want to suggest what you should or should not do, I'm not smart nor experienced enough, but your post finally made me to post here after years of lurking (there will be a better time for introductions, I think).

I just wanted to say that there are people like me, who never got the courage to even say a word of encouragement or anything, but still care. If you want to talk with someone who is still very early into this transition business, then hit me up. I have a feeling different time-zones may fuck this up a bit, but even so I promise to be a good pen friend.
Even though I have barely started my transition I already know it's hard to build courage and self confidence when people close to you don't support you. Being alone sucks, being rejected sucks. I know a stranger over the Internet will never substitute a true, loving person but maybe talking would ease this pain for you a bit?

Whatever you do, don't do anything rash and stay safe.

 

[mollipen]

AppleSeason—move. Before you decide to detransition, move to a new city, somewhere with a bigger variety of people that are more accepting. Start a new life instead of throwing away the one you currently have.

 

[Butterfly Witch]

AppleSeason—move. Before you decide to detransition, move to a new city, somewhere with a bigger variety of people that are more accepting. Start a new life instead of throwing away the one you currently have.

I have to agree.

Your environment is corrosive and the only solution is to move. You must remove yourself from that poisonous place for your own sake.

I hate to say it but even if you do detransition i doubt people will leave you alone because they're assholes and bigots. You can never satisfy a bigot, even if you do what they say because they're just looking for a reason to hate.

Self care. Shed these poisonous arrows stuck to your side and tell your family to fuck clean off. It's hard but it's the only way.


Stay safe and remember, always here to listen.

 

[Rajack]

After 3 years of uncertainty, fear, difficulties, and everything but the kitchen sink of misfortune and bad decisions I finally started HRT last Friday! I'm certain it's just a placebo effect but I already feel so much calmer, so much less anger. Most importantly I can actually feel emotions other than despair, rage, and fear for the first time in my life, and I can feel a small spark of what I think might be confidence forming within me for the first time in my life. It's like a missing piece of the puzzle that is myself has suddenly materialized and clicked into place on its own. Dare I say it...it is a wonderful feeling!

 

[gloriousd]

AppleSeason—move. Before you decide to detransition, move to a new city, somewhere with a bigger variety of people that are more accepting. Start a new life instead of throwing away the one you currently have.

It's a solid piece of advice. I know it's going to be hard but leaving a toxic environment behind is never, ever a bad idea...


As promised, I would like to introduce myself a bit...

I'm not sure this is a much better time to do it but let's give it a try, shall we?

Before I start I would like to say big thank you to everyone here, you are a fantastic group of people and more often than you think I've been drawing my courage and strength from your stories. I guess it's my turn now.

I was born a boy. After that came rough childhood, painful adolescence, depression, dysphoria and everything most of you are familiar with. I've had no one to talk with, that is why for a long time I tried to place myself somewhere else on the "trans scale" as I believed (I tried to rationalize this so hard...) that being a crossdresser would be somewhat more convenient (?) than being trans.. Moreover I did my best to suppress all trans related feelings altogether. For a time it worked, to a degree at least... I've met a girl, graduated, got a job.

Then EVERYTHING I've been suppressing for so long came back and hit me super hard.

Since the end of 2014 I've been exploring, reading (thanks Apple for the "Whipping Girl") and trying to understand myself better. It worked, I finally came to terms with who I am.

Surprisingly, it's been smooth sailing since coming to terms I'm transgender.

A few months ago I came out to my closest friend, she has been super supportive and understanding. Most importantly nothing has changed between us (I've been expecting some kind of a violent reaction, either highly negative or positive) and I love it. It gave me hope that perhaps there will be people who will be able to see past me being trans.

I've been visiting a therapist regularly since January. The doctor was highly sceptical at first (which was good, I believe that rushing someone into transition is never a good idea) but seeing my progress has changed his mind recently. I would love to start HRT as soon as possible.

Why am I telling you this? Well, now comes the time to talk with the girl I've mentioned earlier, to our mutual friends, perhaps to my family and... I'm scared shitless.

I know there are no wise words, that this is the messy part that I won't be able avoid no matter what but I won't lie, I would do with some advice. I have my next appointment on May 17 and I want to talk with my GF by then. I must do it ASAP because hiding this (and essentially lying to her and wasting her time) is destroying me from the inside.

Soooo, that's me. Hi there!

 

[Butterfly Witch]

It's a solid piece of advice. I know it's going to be hard but leaving a toxic environment behind is never, ever a bad idea...


As promised, I would like to introduce myself a bit...

I'm not sure this is a much better time to do it but let's give it a try, shall we?

Before I start I would like to say big thank you to everyone here, you are a fantastic group of people and more often than you think I've been drawing my courage and strength from your stories. I guess it's my turn now.

I was born a boy. After that came rough childhood, painful adolescence, depression, dysphoria and everything most of you are familiar with. I've had no one to talk with, that is why for a long time I tried to place myself somewhere else on the "trans scale" as I believed (I tried to rationalize this so hard...) that being a crossdresser would be somewhat more convenient (?) than being trans.. Moreover I did my best to suppress all trans related feelings altogether. For a time it worked, to a degree at least... I've met a girl, graduated, got a job.

Then EVERYTHING I've been suppressing for so long came back and hit me super hard.

Since the end of 2014 I've been exploring, reading (thanks Apple for the "Whipping Girl") and trying to understand myself better. It worked, I finally came to terms with who I am.

Surprisingly, it's been smooth sailing since coming to terms I'm transgender.

A few months ago I came out to my closest friend, she has been super supportive and understanding. Most importantly nothing has changed between us (I've been expecting some kind of a violent reaction, either highly negative or positive) and I love it. It gave me hope that perhaps there will be people who will be able to see past me being trans.

I've been visiting a therapist regularly since January. The doctor was highly sceptical at first (which was good, I believe that rushing someone into transition is never a good idea) but seeing my progress has changed his mind recently. I would love to start HRT as soon as possible.

Why am I telling you this? Well, now comes the time to talk with the girl I've mentioned earlier, to our mutual friends, perhaps to my family and... I'm scared shitless.

I know there are no wise words, that this is the messy part that I won't be able avoid no matter what but I won't lie, I would do with some advice. I have my next appointment on May 17 and I want to talk with my GF by then. I must do it ASAP because hiding this (and essentially lying to her and wasting her time) is destroying me from the inside.

Soooo, that's me. Hi there!

Hello and welcome to the thread!

We have a small group where some people from this thread talk, I can send you an invite if you wish.

I can give you a couple of pamphlets if you wish so you may share with your SO so they can get a bit more understanding of what being transgender means and it answers some of the harder questions that some folks don't feel all that comfortable answering.