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Transgaf: 'cause boys will be girls (and vice versa)
- Thread starter lexi
- Start date
AppleSeason
Member
I've been told a lot of times to move away, and at least if I don't change countries, go to one of the two biggest cities which have bug LGBT communities. Problem is that I've been tied to here for years due to the SRS saving (which once you remove the depression tantrums, I really want to go for it). Original plan was have SRS while in my current job since I had better sick leave benefits I can't get anything else, then put the home on rent and GTFO.
Still, seeing how I am unable to make new friends or interact with people, I'm not sure getting to a new place is going to help me. I'd be even lonelier, not to mention the language barrier unless I go to an English speaking place.
Can't speak a lot about the last days. I'm super sick, I've lost a lot of weight and my knee gave up at the gym yesterday taking away my main stress remover. Been busy with work to the point if not having time to think, but weekends are the worst for me. And thinking about the pain of getting the implants removed. And how much pain I had to go through to have then placed. If it was as easy as just buying some old clothes and downgrading to guy mode for a time it would be busy, but fuck. I did not want to endure more surgery until SRS. Which I've been this close to shredding the letters despise how hard they were to obtain.
Not feeling like wearing anything remotely femininine, making me feel like a cross dresser (bad when my wardrobe is all dresses), and these days being close to trying sex with a guy for the first time, now it feels fucking gay now that I can only see a man in myself.
Edit: And I haven't had alcohol these, despite how much I'd like to be inebriated. I'm too scared about what I will think if I am completely uninhibited, and I tend to freak out about gaining weight (thanks, no fat redistribution and never having facial changes, just the same pot belly).
Still, seeing how I am unable to make new friends or interact with people, I'm not sure getting to a new place is going to help me. I'd be even lonelier, not to mention the language barrier unless I go to an English speaking place.
Can't speak a lot about the last days. I'm super sick, I've lost a lot of weight and my knee gave up at the gym yesterday taking away my main stress remover. Been busy with work to the point if not having time to think, but weekends are the worst for me. And thinking about the pain of getting the implants removed. And how much pain I had to go through to have then placed. If it was as easy as just buying some old clothes and downgrading to guy mode for a time it would be busy, but fuck. I did not want to endure more surgery until SRS. Which I've been this close to shredding the letters despise how hard they were to obtain.
Not feeling like wearing anything remotely femininine, making me feel like a cross dresser (bad when my wardrobe is all dresses), and these days being close to trying sex with a guy for the first time, now it feels fucking gay now that I can only see a man in myself.
Edit: And I haven't had alcohol these, despite how much I'd like to be inebriated. I'm too scared about what I will think if I am completely uninhibited, and I tend to freak out about gaining weight (thanks, no fat redistribution and never having facial changes, just the same pot belly).
Butterfly Witch
Member
I understand what you mean and the plight of staying in a familiar but hostile space or moving to a strange but friendlier space since I have had to make that decision as well.
In the end I moved to a country with a completely different culture and language because it was the only chance I had of being healthy and actually succeeding. It's hard and I certainly miss a few things but overall being able to just remove myself from that toxic place, hateful people and actually being able to seek care were more than worth it.
If you immigrate within the EU then you can find many english speaking communities, especially around the bigger cities, and if you pick a very LGBT positive place then you can easily find someone willing to show you around and help you grasp a new language. Immersion is the best and quickest way to learn in my opinion and it can be so much fun and enriching to learn a new language, a new culture and a completely different mindset than where we came from. It was certainly an amazing experience to me to see how people did the same things in a different manner and stuff.
I know you're disappointed with your implants but wouldn't it be easier to just seek a better surgeon who could fix the colossal fuck up and actually grant you ownership of your own body by picking something you actually want and that works with your body instead of having them removed and then replaced? I mean, you sought them to treat your dysphoria and I think they're important to you, you're just disappointed in what they did with them since you had no input on it and that some random asshole literally forced you to do something with your body without your consent.
Remember that just because you're a woman it doesn't mean that you have to be feminine all the time, it's okay to not want to go femme. You have to do what makes you most comfortable and everyone else needs to fuck right off.
Sex while trans can be complicated but as long as you have a partner that respects you and cares about you then there's a lot of fun to be had. Just make sure whoever you pick will respect your wishes and consent and watch out for STD's or course.
As far as your weight issues goes, I don't mind talking about since I'm anorexic myself and I understand that crushing feeling.
AppleSeason
Member
I knew what I was getting myself into, but dysphoria pushed me to get them under the reasoning of "even if you don't like them, you can replace them in a future". Right now I have managed to accept how my body looks with them and move on, so I don't really wanna talk about them. I am still getting boob envy, and it's more of placement and looks than size (no fucking cleavage).
The reason my wardrobe is mostly made of dresses is that I tend to hate anything that makes me looks male, even if these days I'm preferring the look and staying low profile.[/quote]
Options available in my area are male chasers, sadly. Lesbians, despite getting the hots for feminines (too many butch, it seems) are far more prone to label you as a man if you did not get "the op". Men usually can be more willing to "experiment" if the rest of the body / face is read as female, but they aren't my thing unless they literally look so effeminate they could pass as woman. So lesbian after all.
Binge eating disorder. I move between episodes of overloading myself and others of starvation. But since I haven't been able to meet my workout goals, I can't even afford comfort eating. Since I never got any hrt effects on fat (not even minor ones), any weight I put reshapes my body towards male.
Speaking of which, instant ramen has turned into my new comfort food for when I'm feeling lonely and unlovable. I came to truly hate it after bangkok, but there I am again. At least it does not have meat.
And many times I've wanted to, if not moving, and least get a vacation in one of those slightly more trans friendly places, but for the same reason I never get makeup classes or find someone who can help me learn how to control myasshole hair. Or in the days I say "fuck all this" give myself some nice thing. But nope. No matter how much I say I don't want SRS, every month I keep saving for it religiously and never going out of budget (I've been a week low on hrt and going a few days off waiting to get payed). I've been months wanting to get a New 3ds, but whenever I try to break the piggy bank, I know that the regret and the feel that I have delayed SRS will get even worse. Same reason I don't play wow, I guess. I'm economically strained in order to fund surgery on my own, no help from anybody.
Hi! That would be fantastic, I would love an invite.
When it comes to pamphlets, I'm not sure I will be able to use them on my SO, I know her too well to have any delusions on how she will react. I don't blame her of course, it's just how it is. Perhaps I will be able to give them to her in the future, but even that is questionable.
Nevertheless, I will find a use for them, thank you!
@Apple
Maybe don't push yourself so hard at the gym? I mean, working out is nice and all but it should be for you. Don't set any goals, just go there and do whatever you like, turn off your mind (or like me do the opposite, the gym or when I run is the only time when I can think straight) and enjoy it. I know it sounds stupid but I'm running a lot (trying to loose some upper body muscle and fat from my belly) so I know where you come from. I want to push myself harder and harder each time but I'm not an athlete. Once I realized I won't be able to reach my stupid and artificial goals I enjoy sports A LOT more
AppleSeason
Member
Working out = Only treatment for insomnia that works for me. And I haven't been pushing very hard since a) I lost one of the really tight gaffs b) got a new program that is giving me a lot of problems.
Saw the therapist yesterday. Dictionary definition of heavy depression to the point of considering antidepressants again. We will try to work into getting me out of it first , then trying to tackle the causes (unpassability and low tolerance to a transphobic society is a big one, but not the only one). And to keep assisting to the support / discussion group (women in general) and trying to actively collaborate.
It's stupid how I can give advice in sexual orientation despite being nearly asexual now. Next week therapist is going to prescribe me Progesterone to help restoring my libido (we know it works for me), something we discussed in december but had to postpone as my hormones were acting nuts post-BA (excess of prolactin). To be honest, I'm not sure if being sexually functional again is going to work. The other times I've been into it (DIY) it just caused me to masturbate from time to time or try to date people or even arrange a hookup, which ended in peak genital dysphoria (dick is my main source of "you are a man").
Saw the therapist yesterday. Dictionary definition of heavy depression to the point of considering antidepressants again. We will try to work into getting me out of it first , then trying to tackle the causes (unpassability and low tolerance to a transphobic society is a big one, but not the only one). And to keep assisting to the support / discussion group (women in general) and trying to actively collaborate.
It's stupid how I can give advice in sexual orientation despite being nearly asexual now. Next week therapist is going to prescribe me Progesterone to help restoring my libido (we know it works for me), something we discussed in december but had to postpone as my hormones were acting nuts post-BA (excess of prolactin). To be honest, I'm not sure if being sexually functional again is going to work. The other times I've been into it (DIY) it just caused me to masturbate from time to time or try to date people or even arrange a hookup, which ended in peak genital dysphoria (dick is my main source of "you are a man").
http://montrealgazette.com/news/loc...n-suspected-of-setting-fire-at-medical-clinic
The only clinic for many trans surgeries in Canada covered by gov health insurance was damaged by arson (Broussard's place). Not even an asshole gatekeeper is allowed to us.
The only clinic for many trans surgeries in Canada covered by gov health insurance was damaged by arson (Broussard's place). Not even an asshole gatekeeper is allowed to us.
"Police do not know the motive."
Terrorblot
Member
NeoGaf has a trans thread? Coooooool. I'm Robin. I'm 26. I'm a transwoman. Been out since May, been on hormones since August. It's been a pretty radical year. Whats up? :3
Welcome, Terrorblot!
Terrorblot
Member
hehehe. But for realzies it's almost been a yeaaaaar woooooooaaaah!
AppleSeason
Member
Four years is also the norm in Spain, and that if you are lucky enough to be in an area that covers it. Otherwise good luck.
In my case it was 6 months after officially starting HRT to be given an appointment with the surgeon (I had been DIYing for 8 months), and a one year wait for surgery. No wonder people try to cheat with addresses to get into our hospital.
In my case it was 6 months after officially starting HRT to be given an appointment with the surgeon (I had been DIYing for 8 months), and a one year wait for surgery. No wonder people try to cheat with addresses to get into our hospital.
Terrorblot
Member
That sounds so unreal. I haven't actually started exploring SRS as an option and IDK if I even want it honestly. Definitely want Orchie but IDK about the rest, on the one hand i would be nice but I just have panic attacks thinking about it. What's wrong with meeee.
I want to start hair removal so damn bad but my eczema has been flaring up on my face bad and I want it to calm down before I exacerbate it anymore. One the bright side I got maam'd again today at work.
AppleSeason
Member
Well, it's the usual thing. With healthcare you get a general plastic surgeon who happens to have SRS in his/ her skill catalogue, but you are not considered a priority patients and whenever something more important comes (burnt patients) you can get delayed.
In any case, he more or less does 1-2 patients per month. If you compare that to a dedicated surgeon like chett or suporn that do it multiple times a week... Experience is important.
Speaking of SRS fear, it was full blown for me too before HRT. It is something that unless you are high on genital dysphoria, you don't think about it until later in transition. Nowadays, If I accept that logically speaking is the best option for me and if I can get over the fear of surgery, recovery, post-op depression... I still get "fear of the unknown". As in when not having " I need to have it removed " Genital dysphoria, a penis feels familiar, I'm used to it and I know how to use it or if I need to get some satisfaction. After SRS I am scared of how my life will be, how it will feel, and if I will be able to achieve an orgasm again... But hey, unless I want to go back to being a guy (I wish I could/take the pill to forget that the Matrix exists), it's the only way of being comfortable. This morning I have gone nuts not being able to find clean gaffs and having to wear a dress to cover the bulge. SRS should at least solve that...
First srs letter translated. The second is going to be more complicated, but knowing I'm booking a date in 2 weeks... Scary. The more I try to detransition, the more dysphoria pulls me in the other direction.
What I am wondering is if I should go for fat grafts to the face to maybe improve passability, or wait until some time after SRS and hope that on zero T HRT finally begins working.
I was never ma'amed or gendered female unless fully dressed and overloaded with makeup, even after 1.5 years HRT. If I wore andro clothing and male gendering all the time (obvious thing given my face shape and zero changes from HRT). After FFS I am gendered female automatically, but passability is a different story.
In any case, he more or less does 1-2 patients per month. If you compare that to a dedicated surgeon like chett or suporn that do it multiple times a week... Experience is important.
Speaking of SRS fear, it was full blown for me too before HRT. It is something that unless you are high on genital dysphoria, you don't think about it until later in transition. Nowadays, If I accept that logically speaking is the best option for me and if I can get over the fear of surgery, recovery, post-op depression... I still get "fear of the unknown". As in when not having " I need to have it removed " Genital dysphoria, a penis feels familiar, I'm used to it and I know how to use it or if I need to get some satisfaction. After SRS I am scared of how my life will be, how it will feel, and if I will be able to achieve an orgasm again... But hey, unless I want to go back to being a guy (I wish I could/take the pill to forget that the Matrix exists), it's the only way of being comfortable. This morning I have gone nuts not being able to find clean gaffs and having to wear a dress to cover the bulge. SRS should at least solve that...
First srs letter translated. The second is going to be more complicated, but knowing I'm booking a date in 2 weeks... Scary. The more I try to detransition, the more dysphoria pulls me in the other direction.
What I am wondering is if I should go for fat grafts to the face to maybe improve passability, or wait until some time after SRS and hope that on zero T HRT finally begins working.
I was never ma'amed or gendered female unless fully dressed and overloaded with makeup, even after 1.5 years HRT. If I wore andro clothing and male gendering all the time (obvious thing given my face shape and zero changes from HRT). After FFS I am gendered female automatically, but passability is a different story.
There's a new group if you want an invite to it then just PM me
Can I get an invite?
Terrorblot
Member
See, this is why I'm thinking orchiectomy is at least a nice compromise. I relate to the fear of never being able to achieve an orgasm anymore, etc. I don't have much in terms of genital dysphoria save for getting bummed out when clothes don't fit right, but other than that, I feel like I could live with a penis, it would just nice to have the vagina instead. Bluh.
Butterfly Witch
Member
Can I get an invite?
Done.
You should never compromise in terms of health and most people also cannot compromise in terms of dysphoria. Imagine taking hormones enough to stop things from changing but not enough to do what you want?
The problem with compromise is that you will not get what you want and when it comes to this you must absolutely get want you want, period. These kinds of things are usually irreversible and so, in this example, you get an orchi but you really wanted SRS? Tough cookies, it's going to be that much harder now because you ditched a whole bunch of skin that is vital for SRS.
AppleSeason
Member
Reality is that I have only met two persons who did an orquiectomy asap. One had it at 6 months hrt to transition with no testosterone holding back the body (and still got decent srs depth with a graft), and the other... not interested in SRS in short term, although may geet it in a lot of years and well, deal with it.
I considered a lot the orchi, but it worried me that I'd lost a lot of tissue for SRS, so I guess I know what I really want. it would have been nice getting the orchi three years ago instead of having to deal with high T all the time. Enough to cancel the effects of E, not enough to give me a libido
About yesterday, seeing a cis woman say all the time that she is uncomfortoble around "cis men"... it's downright weird. Being a lesbian, I was wondering what she saw trans men like. Apparently she keeps having problems with men ant the usual displays of sexism... the kind of things that for me they would serve as a validation.
I considered a lot the orchi, but it worried me that I'd lost a lot of tissue for SRS, so I guess I know what I really want. it would have been nice getting the orchi three years ago instead of having to deal with high T all the time. Enough to cancel the effects of E, not enough to give me a libido
About yesterday, seeing a cis woman say all the time that she is uncomfortoble around "cis men"... it's downright weird. Being a lesbian, I was wondering what she saw trans men like. Apparently she keeps having problems with men ant the usual displays of sexism... the kind of things that for me they would serve as a validation.
Butterfly Witch
Member
I find it a fine line between validation and objectification sometimes but I don't think we should seek validation through objectification because of the dehumanizing side of it.
If I were to say that men don't treat me differently now than they did a year ago I'd be lying and I know the reason they do is because of my breasts. Be it woman incompetence to flat out ogling or sexist remarks.
Yes, I want people to gender me correctly and treat me like a human begin but that's the point now isn't it? I'm a human begin and I have feelings and emotions, I'm not a walking billboard or a magazine clipping so when I hear men talk about me like I'm a pair of breasts on stilts it's pretty demeaning.
A good example:
I accompanied someone to a FedEx store as we needed to get some papers printed out. Neither of us were wearing anything particularly revealing, I was in a simple top, jeans and sneakers. The store was completely empty and it was fairly large and open. Two store clerks were by the counter, about 70 feet from where we were printing stuff.
All of the sudden, when we turn around, the guys are like 10 feet from us hunched over a tiny little counter, which was between us and the door, with a couple of papers just rustling them and literally making "talking noises". Their eyes went from my breasts to the papers, they went whisper quiet. As we walk by one of the dudes stands straight up, looks at me "Is there anything we can..." stares dead center at my breasts "...help you ladies with?".
I kept waking and said "no thank you" and they followed me the whole way with their eyes (you can guess where) until I got in the car.
Did they care if I was pretty, a woman, cis? Nah, they saw a good par of titties and that was it. I bet you if someone were to ask them to describe me or my friend they'd be stumped after "she had big boobs and was wearing a shirt".
If I were to say that men don't treat me differently now than they did a year ago I'd be lying and I know the reason they do is because of my breasts. Be it woman incompetence to flat out ogling or sexist remarks.
Yes, I want people to gender me correctly and treat me like a human begin but that's the point now isn't it? I'm a human begin and I have feelings and emotions, I'm not a walking billboard or a magazine clipping so when I hear men talk about me like I'm a pair of breasts on stilts it's pretty demeaning.
A good example:
I accompanied someone to a FedEx store as we needed to get some papers printed out. Neither of us were wearing anything particularly revealing, I was in a simple top, jeans and sneakers. The store was completely empty and it was fairly large and open. Two store clerks were by the counter, about 70 feet from where we were printing stuff.
All of the sudden, when we turn around, the guys are like 10 feet from us hunched over a tiny little counter, which was between us and the door, with a couple of papers just rustling them and literally making "talking noises". Their eyes went from my breasts to the papers, they went whisper quiet. As we walk by one of the dudes stands straight up, looks at me "Is there anything we can..." stares dead center at my breasts "...help you ladies with?".
I kept waking and said "no thank you" and they followed me the whole way with their eyes (you can guess where) until I got in the car.
Did they care if I was pretty, a woman, cis? Nah, they saw a good par of titties and that was it. I bet you if someone were to ask them to describe me or my friend they'd be stumped after "she had big boobs and was wearing a shirt".
AppleSeason
Member
And here I reading and wanting to strangle a surgeon who gave me 250cc implants on an 87 cm underbust that are still so separated that they still can't get close enough to form cleavage. And other women ask me why I don't wear more revealing clothes...
Sigh. I may have gotten over it, but I foresee a summer with lots of boob envy.
Sigh. I may have gotten over it, but I foresee a summer with lots of boob envy.
http://plus.lapresse.ca/screens/57bd0668-dcc9-4bb6-b384-61bae430f3e7|_0.html (French)
The perpetrator remains at large...
http://plus.lapresse.ca/screens/57bd0668-dcc9-4bb6-b384-61bae430f3e7|_0.html (French)
The perpetrator remains at large...
Jesus.
Terrorblot
Member
I hear you. I wasn't familiar with your current situation or feelings I just have heard that in the past that they can leave skin behind if they know you're planning SRS in the future, so it seems like a pretty reasonable maneuver for those who are unsure of full SRS.
Butterfly Witch
Member
Even if they do the skin will shrivel and shrink over time since it's now a sac of... nothing. The same thing happens to trans women who take HRT for a while as well. With time the testicles get smaller and closer to the body and the scrotum shrinks in response since it's pretty much atrophying without use.
We're talking fairly limited time frames here and orchi, while cheaper, is not that cheap.
Damn.
AppleSeason
Member
Other people... And myself. :/
Terrorblot
Member
Pretty much. I feel like my biggest hurdle has been my own self-acceptance. Granted I live and work in a fairly liberal community (Massachusetts and Connecticut) but really I haven't met with a lot of hatred since coming out, people say a lot of politically incorrect things sure, and it gets to me, but I haven't really experienced any direct face to face malice or hatred.
AppleSeason
Member
Mmm. Not sure what's going on here.
a) The first bras I bought after leaving the hospital are too painful and constricting to wear. My more comfortable bras feel a bit tight now.
b) Old work colleague that I saw in the train for the first time since november says my face looks a bit fuller.
I don't really feel like believing things like "hrt is finally working after 3 years". Probably A means that I am not washing them properly and they are shrinking, and ... she was not wearing glasses. Also, if she saw me in November I probably was really depleted from the hospital stay.
I'm going to give a shot to the antidepressant they prescribed me the last time I had depression. It should help me with sleeping, and seeing the list of other things it is usually prescribed for, it can help me. Specially for sleep issues... and the odd side effect of increasing my libido.
a) The first bras I bought after leaving the hospital are too painful and constricting to wear. My more comfortable bras feel a bit tight now.
b) Old work colleague that I saw in the train for the first time since november says my face looks a bit fuller.
I don't really feel like believing things like "hrt is finally working after 3 years". Probably A means that I am not washing them properly and they are shrinking, and ... she was not wearing glasses. Also, if she saw me in November I probably was really depleted from the hospital stay.
I'm going to give a shot to the antidepressant they prescribed me the last time I had depression. It should help me with sleeping, and seeing the list of other things it is usually prescribed for, it can help me. Specially for sleep issues... and the odd side effect of increasing my libido.
Butterfly Witch
Member
It's not that unusual for someone who has done breast augmentation and is on estrogen to have *some* growth. Breast tissue starts to heal and implants take up to a year to settle. As far as HRT "working" after 3 years, it can totally happen but it's just unusual. The whole 2~3 year "deadline" is more of a guideline than an actual rule, it's an average sort to speak. Even cis women have their breasts change shapes and size throughout their lives.
I think in the end you should try to accept her compliment without trying to deconstruct it too much, regardless of the reasons. Even if we disagree with it, it never hurts to say "thank you" and accept that other people will probably see us differently than we see ourselves. This is a good thing as oftentimes it can help us actually understand how people see us since depression, dysphoria and anxiety can easily taint our own opinion of ourselves.
AppleSeason
Member
HRT effects have always been minimal to non existent for me. Except for being more emotional, breast buds and gaining weight faster, nothing else changed. No subfacial layer of fat to soften things, no changes on skin, and obviously no fat redistribution of any kind.
I can only hope for some change after SRS / orchi, see if my body wants to change a bit after T becomes non existant. The first months of DIY were pretty bad with still high T and low E, but endo has always kept me in similar values. I only noticed some minor changes during the time I was on E shots.
I can only hope for some change after SRS / orchi, see if my body wants to change a bit after T becomes non existant. The first months of DIY were pretty bad with still high T and low E, but endo has always kept me in similar values. I only noticed some minor changes during the time I was on E shots.
Question: The bathroom issue isn't new right? I remember hearing concerns about that for years but people seem to think its recent so its making me doubt my memories. Ofc there wasn't a huge fight over laws about it but I think thats because no one would have fought for trans individuals if someone was kicked out of a store due to using their proper restroom so they didn't need to make laws in order to have the same effect(that part is speculation ofc)
Team Alucard
Banned
Its become an issue because progressive states and cities have started enacting legislation to protect trans people from discrimination.
HB2 was drafted in order to reverse a Charlotte ordinance that banned LGBT discrimination.
AppleSeason
Member
For my main bra, always weekly. It was weirder when I had to count 10 times before washing the wig.
I wonder about trying extensions, but my hair is so frizzy that I either learn how to tame it or to frizz the extensions.
I wonder about trying extensions, but my hair is so frizzy that I either learn how to tame it or to frizz the extensions.
Butterfly Witch
Member
As far as bras are concerned, here are the general guide lines that should be followed:
http://bustyresources.wikia.com/wiki/How-to_wash_a_bra
I tend to carefully hand wash mine since I don't have a salad spinner and my bras tend to pass the $70 mark very easily.
http://bustyresources.wikia.com/wiki/How-to_wash_a_bra
I tend to carefully hand wash mine since I don't have a salad spinner and my bras tend to pass the $70 mark very easily.
Despite being someone who lurks almost 100% of the time on GAF, I felt like I should pop my head into this thread after having this topic going around in my head for the last few weeks.
I've kind of been reassessing my view of gender and where I place myself recently, and while I saw myself as someone who enjoyed crossdressing (mostly from a fetish perspective?), I've started looking into the experiences and feelings of transgender people and started to realize that my feelings go much deeper, which has kick started me into looking back at myself and the occasional feelings of discontent I have felt from a young age is regards to being male 100% of the time.
While for the most part I have spent my life as-is without ever really feeling a sense of dysphoria, after starting to crossdress a few years ago I certainly started to feel that there was part of me that was feminine and that I felt a pretty strong connection with females and their way of thinking (for the most part at least). I had always just sort of left those thoughts alone, and I wasn't in a position to accept or consider being anything other than 100% male (maybe as I viewed transgender as simply being people who wish to change sex completely). I'd honestly never made the connection between crossdressing and being transgender, and it was only through reading a few books recently that I opened my eyes to huge range that exists in terms of gender/sexuality etc. instead of the typical binary way of thinking. In a sense it is a relief, in another it is kind of mind blowing.
So, I'm now at the point of seriously looking at myself to see where I fit along that scale and asking myself how I would want to be in an ideal world without considering any external factors. Right now that puts me somewhere in between (?), wanting to stay as a male but also having the desire to express myself as a woman also. I can't really imagine myself being fully 100% woman (although if I woke up as one I wouldn't exactly be sad about it), and I am happy with the male aspects of myself. However, I know this is kind of the beginning of all this exploration so I am aware it could shift in either direction in the future.
At this point I should mention I live in Japan and I am married to a Japanese woman, to whom I openly admitted my interest in crossdressing (which she took amazingly well) and has been completely supportive, all the way through to my recent exploration into what it may mean to be transgender. While there is uncertainty of the future on her part as well as mine, this hasn't caused a rift between us and instead has kind of given us a greater degree of trust and openness, as well as a greater understanding of gender and how it is shaped by society. I guess you could say there has been a joint realization that we love each other for what is inside rather than what is on the outside (as incredibly cheesy as that sounds). In this regard I feel extremely fortunate, especially considering we live in Japan, were things are typically politely brushed under the carpet. I'm also aware that even for people who are accepting of this there are limits, so we want to make sure we can both be happy and not have to over-compromise for the sake of the other.
This is a long rambling post probably loaded with grammar, spelling mistakes and unnecessary information, but I just felt like I should put this out there and see what happens...are there other people out there on GAF who find themselves somewhere in between rather than desiring full transition? Is this even classed as being transgender?
P.S On a lighter note, it is much easier to venture outside in a country where it is perfectly normal to wear a face mask at any time of the year! I just wish I didn't have masculine shoulders and arms...
I've kind of been reassessing my view of gender and where I place myself recently, and while I saw myself as someone who enjoyed crossdressing (mostly from a fetish perspective?), I've started looking into the experiences and feelings of transgender people and started to realize that my feelings go much deeper, which has kick started me into looking back at myself and the occasional feelings of discontent I have felt from a young age is regards to being male 100% of the time.
While for the most part I have spent my life as-is without ever really feeling a sense of dysphoria, after starting to crossdress a few years ago I certainly started to feel that there was part of me that was feminine and that I felt a pretty strong connection with females and their way of thinking (for the most part at least). I had always just sort of left those thoughts alone, and I wasn't in a position to accept or consider being anything other than 100% male (maybe as I viewed transgender as simply being people who wish to change sex completely). I'd honestly never made the connection between crossdressing and being transgender, and it was only through reading a few books recently that I opened my eyes to huge range that exists in terms of gender/sexuality etc. instead of the typical binary way of thinking. In a sense it is a relief, in another it is kind of mind blowing.
So, I'm now at the point of seriously looking at myself to see where I fit along that scale and asking myself how I would want to be in an ideal world without considering any external factors. Right now that puts me somewhere in between (?), wanting to stay as a male but also having the desire to express myself as a woman also. I can't really imagine myself being fully 100% woman (although if I woke up as one I wouldn't exactly be sad about it), and I am happy with the male aspects of myself. However, I know this is kind of the beginning of all this exploration so I am aware it could shift in either direction in the future.
At this point I should mention I live in Japan and I am married to a Japanese woman, to whom I openly admitted my interest in crossdressing (which she took amazingly well) and has been completely supportive, all the way through to my recent exploration into what it may mean to be transgender. While there is uncertainty of the future on her part as well as mine, this hasn't caused a rift between us and instead has kind of given us a greater degree of trust and openness, as well as a greater understanding of gender and how it is shaped by society. I guess you could say there has been a joint realization that we love each other for what is inside rather than what is on the outside (as incredibly cheesy as that sounds). In this regard I feel extremely fortunate, especially considering we live in Japan, were things are typically politely brushed under the carpet. I'm also aware that even for people who are accepting of this there are limits, so we want to make sure we can both be happy and not have to over-compromise for the sake of the other.
This is a long rambling post probably loaded with grammar, spelling mistakes and unnecessary information, but I just felt like I should put this out there and see what happens...are there other people out there on GAF who find themselves somewhere in between rather than desiring full transition? Is this even classed as being transgender?
P.S On a lighter note, it is much easier to venture outside in a country where it is perfectly normal to wear a face mask at any time of the year! I just wish I didn't have masculine shoulders and arms...
Nomadic Sparks
Banned
You're extremely fortunate to have found someone as understanding as your wife, first of all. There are some people who are gender fluid or non binary. There shouldn't be anything wrong with that. I knew a transwoman who cross dressed at first and then went on from there. Nothing should be wrong with that.
As you come into whatever your feeling goes into, you really shouldn't pressure yourself into IDing as 100% male or 100% female. As legendary philospher, Humpty said "Do what you like."
(Take this post with silo grain sized of salt because I'am speaking as CIS Hetero ally* of several Transgender women)
(* I don't post here as much as I should and I haven't really read up on TransFeminism and I really should but shit's been popping for quite awhile and I really need to start reading more books. I was quite voracious reader back in school. I just lost interest tbh and also laziness.)
As you come into whatever your feeling goes into, you really shouldn't pressure yourself into IDing as 100% male or 100% female. As legendary philospher, Humpty said "Do what you like."
(Take this post with silo grain sized of salt because I'am speaking as CIS Hetero ally* of several Transgender women)
(* I don't post here as much as I should and I haven't really read up on TransFeminism and I really should but shit's been popping for quite awhile and I really need to start reading more books. I was quite voracious reader back in school. I just lost interest tbh and also laziness.)
Yeah, it seems easy to polarize onto one side or the other, maybe just because it is more comforting to have a clear definition of who you are. I have just started reading a book called My Husband Betty which seems to fit along the lines of where I am, although it is written from the perspective of the accepting wife.
Another book I would recommend is Trans Bodies, Trans Selves which is like a huge tomb of discussion and experiences from people in all parts of the spectrum. It is huge though, so I would maybe recommend the Kindle version unless you want people asking why you have a massive book about transgender people on your shelf.
Another book I would recommend is Trans Bodies, Trans Selves which is like a huge tomb of discussion and experiences from people in all parts of the spectrum. It is huge though, so I would maybe recommend the Kindle version unless you want people asking why you have a massive book about transgender people on your shelf.
There are lots of people who are happy in the middle ... just be 100% sure if that is what you want for the right reasons (right reason being : "I feel better") or else you will feel WORST in the middle if you do it for the wrong reasons ("I will never be a supermodel" or "I fear the rejection" are NOT right reasons)
Getting almost there migh decrease your disforia with your body, but increases the reception of being seeing as a male on society ridiculously more than body dysphoria itself if not done by the right reasons
Getting almost there migh decrease your disforia with your body, but increases the reception of being seeing as a male on society ridiculously more than body dysphoria itself if not done by the right reasons
Terrorblot
Member
I'm ready to fill out my name change paperwork but my family think I really need a middle name, and I was just planning on going with the first name change to Robin. I have no clue if I should pick something or whuttt
Butterfly Witch
Member
Do you. It's your name and it has to be something you want and are comfortable with, no one else's opinion really matters. Besides, it's not like you can't change it later on and add a middle name if you so choose to.
Again, it's your name and it only matters what you think and how you feel about it.
I heard there is a group somewhere for people in this community, is it a IRC chat or something like that? If possible I wouldn't mind joining! (I might not be very active though)
Yeah, that's something I am trying to keep aware of, it's hard to know where that sweet point is when thoughts of practicality and everything else in our lives gets in the way.
Yeah, that's something I am trying to keep aware of, it's hard to know where that sweet point is when thoughts of practicality and everything else in our lives gets in the way.
AppleSeason
Member
Nothing like being randomly insulted on a dating app to improve my mood. "Who is going to want to hook with you with that face?"
I'm that much of a freak? is it my expression? I suffer enough every day because of my face and I can barely look at myself in the mirror and now this? All the therapy, all the trying to accept this... What's the point?
Maybe I was right when I considered detransition.
I'm that much of a freak? is it my expression? I suffer enough every day because of my face and I can barely look at myself in the mirror and now this? All the therapy, all the trying to accept this... What's the point?
Maybe I was right when I considered detransition.