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[WaffleTaco]

Hey there Transgaf. I'm going through a bit of a challenge at the moment, and would welcome your input.

I'm a cis hetero male, but my spouse came out as a trans male a bit less than two years ago. It's been somewhat of a challenge for both of us at times, but it is my wish to be as supportive as possible with helping him transition(for the record, he is currently on T that I home administer due to his fear of needles, and we are trying to find him the best option for top surgery).

I've never been much for traditional gender roles in the first place, so I don't mind that dynamic shifting, and I'm doing what I can to prepare for all the physical changes that are already occurring and will happen later. Pronouns aren't a problem either, and I don't have an issue explaining the situation to anyone. The problem, though, is that I am in fact a straight male, and intimacy has become an issue. Because while even though I'm doing my best to avoid any area or practice that might cause him dysphoria, he says I'm feminizing him in my mind while we are intimate, which I suppose deep down is true. This of course has also lead to a relative lack of intimacy over the past month.

So I'm honestly not sure what to do at this point. I cannot change the fact that I'm straight, but I love my spouse and want to help him transition, and I'm willing to work with whatever changes come, even though 10 years of marriage before he came out sometimes complicates matters. But at the same time, if he's going to cut himself off from me physically because for 10 years we were intimate as husband and wife and the memory of that causes him dysphoria, what can I do? Is my marriage dead?


Edt: To clarify, I'm not looking to pressure my spouse into intimacy(that shit is just wrong). But it does hurt knowing that my spouse feels that disconnect(and it really sucks to think that for years I was likely causing my spouse dysphoria when intimate without knowing it). I want to help my spouse with his journey however I can, even if I do so as something other than his marriage partner.

I think your best option is ask him how he wants the dynamic to be when it comes to intimacy. Communication is key and I think that if you keep saying you are straight, especially to him it could likely offend him, however I could see why you would feel uncomfortable saying gay. These things take time, but I recommend just to talk and allow nature to take its course and see how you both react to the changes.

 

[AppleSeason]

Also .. TRANS NERD JOKES !

Given the tiny development I had, and the fact that one grew much more than the other...

I'm starting to be really scared after reading a few srs diaries, and having thoughts about cancelling (2.5 months left). The therapist from the lgbt centre that is giving me support is looking for another one more specialised in all the emotional and social issues I was carrying before transition, and after enduring mobbing and transphobia, worsened to the point of crippling my life.

 

[mollipen]

I'm starting to be really scared after reading a few srs diaries, and having thoughts about cancelling (2.5 months left). The therapist from the lgbt centre that is giving me support is looking for another one more specialised in all the emotional and social issues I was carrying before transition, and after enduring mobbing and transphobia, worsened to the point of crippling my life.

What are the things about SRS that are worrying you? Legitimately curious.

 

[Ekai]

I had my 2 year HRT anniversary a week or so ago. My gf took a nice picture of me. <3


I was on a very small dose for about six months so I don't know how much it really counts, but I'm certainly happier and more comfortable than I ever was pre-HRT

Just want to say, omg.
I went to a The Mountain Goats concert and purchased a shirt there too. :O

And you're looking good too. ^^

Me today.

The good news today: Feeling pretty fabulous and took selfies I didn't hate.
The bad news: Letter is on the way from the gender clinic, apparently it's an 18+ month wait for a first appointment around here (athough its worse in London apparently!) so, yeah, bit of a wait before I'll be seeing any HRT.

Figured I'd try to use the time productively so I've joined slimming world, and I'm hoping I can save up for some permanent hair removal courses too, since my facial shadow in particular is a huge issue for me when I try to pass, it's so dark and grows quickly. I set up a gofundme account so maybe that'll help, my sister suggested it to me.

Oh, and I've officially cast off the shackles of wigs now my hair is starting to actually get to the point where it looks deliberately long, and not just "couldn't afford a haircut"

All in all, just another day at the office. lol.

Same goes for you. ^^

 

[AppleSeason]

What are the things about SRS that are worrying you? Legitimately curious.

Good question. The fun part is that my previous biggest fear, regret, is not there anymore. My head is clear in that sense.


I'm scared about pain and the hell the first days will be, plus months being physically semicrippled. I had a pretty bad experience with my last surgery, and things are like this.

- First fear is the immediate night after waking up from srs. Forced to lay down while fighting the constant nausea from the anaesthesia. The SRS diary confirmed that the nausea would happen again (it's my second round with that surgeon), and that I would not be allowed to drink for hours, while feeling my throat completely in pain / sore from the intubation. If I think about it, one girl that went recently told me that she was allowed to drink immediately, and I know that despite the nause I won't throw up.

- Then comes the drains removal day. I have a trauma with this since the last time they left them too much in place and the trainee yanked them so hard that so far it is the biggest pain I've ever felt. I got some calm after knowing that what happened to me was not normal, and the drains are supposed to come softly with no more pain that blood being drawn.

- Post-op depression is scary, specially after They let me see the results. I'm scared of seeing it, knowin that it will be terrible and will not look remotely "normal" for at least three months.

And fear of recovery being painful, etc. That srs diary was so detailed that it made me relive the worst parts of my two previous surgery (even if I survived FFS like a champ except for the first day) But the other girls who checked it and also went to chett keep saying that either she was unlucky, or she was a crybaby for pain and recovery. And I considered myself strong, but after the BA I have no confidence. I am even panicking about going alone again, despite knowing that it is for the best and I don't want anybody I care about to see me at my worst (immediatly after.


Otherwise, things are normal. Just strengthenining my body by working out as much as I can to make recovery faster, and deciding on the entertainment to bring to BKK. The busier I am, the less I will risk pos-op depression to grab me or think about the pain. I'm saving Zelda: A Link between Worlds and Bravely Default for December, and seeing what can I do with netflix and trying to find if there are still working proxies.



Bad pic of my progress so far. Still trying to kill the gut and lose 4 kg. The boobs are bigger than they look, but... sports bra.

 

[Platy]

Given the tiny development I had

The boobs are bigger than they look, but... sports bra.

 

[AppleSeason]

Tiny development, then 250 cc implants. I probably should have said "The implants are big". And speaking of that, if you have really uneven breasts, ask for saline. Silicone implants can't be tailored to correct that.

 

[mollipen]

Good question. The fun part is that my previous biggest fear, regret, is not there anymore. My head is clear in that sense.

Okay, got it. So it's more concern over the initial period of recovery and some potential trauma from a previous surgery experience, and less the long-term "oh shit I made a huge mistake" regret or potential physical complications.

Not to be dismissive of your concerns, to be clear. My personal concerns are far more about the long term, not short term, so that's where any hesitation I have lies.

 

[AppleSeason]

Okay, got it. So it's more concern over the initial period of recovery and some potential trauma from a previous surgery experience, and less the long-term "oh shit I made a huge mistake" regret or potential physical complications.

Not to be dismissive of your concerns, to be clear. My personal concerns are far more about the long term, not short term, so that's where any hesitation I have lies.

I have accepted that I will both win and lose from the surgery, given that I don't have genital dysphoria and I felt like I could choose. I realised that given the fact that I don't see myself having sex in a future, regardless of what I have, I really don't have a lot to lose. I was tired of keeping the internal struggle of having to decide and always being scared of regretting and then finding I was wrong, but... I also could not see myself becoming the "tranny granny" with a dick (I have been using that expression long before the walmart costume), or keep having this weird life for the rest of my life. The tucking pain, the weird dating, the constant fear of being discovered at the locker room an enduring more transphobia.

I just act as if I had done the surgery already. No point in wasting more brain cycles in that dilemma. The fun thing it that the thing I look forward the most after srs is not sex, but being able to change or get fully naked at the gym showers, instead of the constant retucks, changing inside the shower stall, etc... I have to wonder if my sex desires / libido will come back in a future.


PS: I also think that all my fears of regret may be induced by the depression. Back in 2014 I was crying because I could only 100% fund one of the surgeries and would have to be FFS, since I was not passing and it was important for finding a new job. Then in December of that year after seeing my new face was the first time I got the "I'm 100% sure I want to go with srs". Then things changed when the depression began. And I booked a date once the antidepressants began working. So I'm kinda worried about what could happen if I stopped taking them...

 

[Butterfly Witch]

Tiny development, then 250 cc implants. I probably should have said "The implants are big". And speaking of that, if you have really uneven breasts, ask for saline. Silicone implants can't be tailored to correct that.

Yes they can, your surgeon just has to not be an ass. There's no rule that say that both implants need to be the same size. Again, your surgeon just has to actually give a shit and listen to you.

 

[TrueBlue]

Hello Transgaf.

I'm in the process of writing a book - crafting the world, characters etc. I would like some of the members on here to lend some opinions and perspective to one of the characters I'm writing.

It's very important to me that I get my characters right, and I feel this would be the best course.

If I'm coming across as vague, it's completely intentional. Firstly, I would like to have discussions through PMs, and would prefer not to write an infodump in this thread. That relates to my second reason, as I don't want to come across as derailing the thread - it's an important thread, and derailing is the last thing I want to do.

So yeah, if anyone is interested, I'd love to start a comversation over PM. If not, that's cool. Thank you for hearing me out.

 

[mollipen]

I'd be happy to give you my thoughts, so drop me a PM if you'd like.

 

[Platy]

I also would accept to help you ... and will be pretty interesting since me and mollipen have very different views on representation and activism =P

 

[TrueBlue]

I'd be happy to give you my thoughts, so drop me a PM if you'd like.

I also would accept to help you ... and will be pretty interesting since me and mollipen have very different views on representation and activism =P

I'll message you both as soon as I can.

And tbh, differing views are a good thing. It's literally impossible to write a character who pleases everyone, so that's fine by me.

Thank you both

 

[Butterfly Witch]

Hello Transgaf.

I'm in the process of writing a book - crafting the world, characters etc. I would like some of the members on here to lend some opinions and perspective to one of the characters I'm writing.

It's very important to me that I get my characters right, and I feel this would be the best course.

If I'm coming across as vague, it's completely intentional. Firstly, I would like to have discussions through PMs, and would prefer not to write an infodump in this thread. That relates to my second reason, as I don't want to come across as derailing the thread - it's an important thread, and derailing is the last thing I want to do.

So yeah, if anyone is interested, I'd love to start a comversation over PM. If not, that's cool. Thank you for hearing me out.

I'm up to it.

 

[Eusis]

If you want the perspective of someone questioning still I'm good.

Gonna go for the testosterone shots afterall. Could be a mistake, but honestly I'm of the mindset to experiment and see how I FEEL, and try to discern whether I just have a burning fascination or it goes deeper than that. And maybe try to burn off some weight regardless, that's always nice.

 

[TrueBlue]

I'm up to it.

If you want the perspective of someone questioning still I'm good.

Much obliged! I'll PM you both tomorrow, I could use all the help I can get.

 

[Rajack]

Welp, I'm going to have to come out to my mother in the near future. The stress of living around her as someone I'm not is finally starting to get to me. I want to be myself all the time. I'll have my coworker with me who is trans as well for support and safety since I am absolutely terrified of my mom.

 

[Dr. Buni]

^ Good luck.

Coming out to my mom was one of the best things I did, if only because it lifted a huge weight from my back. She still refuse to use the correct name and pronous (literally the only person close to me who refuses to do so), but at least I don't need to hide who I am from her anymore. I am free.

 

[Beth Cyra]

Much obliged! I'll PM you both tomorrow, I could use all the help I can get.

If you want someone who tends to go against some of more common norms you can hit me up as well.

 

[Platy]

Welp, I'm going to have to come out to my mother in the near future. The stress of living around her as someone I'm not is finally starting to get to me. I want to be myself all the time. I'll have my coworker with me who is trans as well for support and safety since I am absolutely terrified of my mom.

Having someone with you is cool, if only incredibly awkward ... but not sure if it is a good idea about another trans person .... a less understandent parent would think there was some external force like your coworker pushed you to be trans or something ... and a cis friend would show that cis people CAN understand that someone is trans and not flip the shit out

 

[Rajack]

Having someone with you is cool, if only incredibly awkward ... but not sure if it is a good idea about another trans person .... a less understandent parent would think there was some external force like your coworker pushed you to be trans or something ... and a cis friend would show that cis people CAN understand that someone is trans and not flip the shit out

Maybe, but I have tons of evidence to the contrary and my coworker is the best I can get on short notice.

 

[Dai101]

Welp, I'm going to have to come out to my mother in the near future. The stress of living around her as someone I'm not is finally starting to get to me. I want to be myself all the time. I'll have my coworker with me who is trans as well for support and safety since I am absolutely terrified of my mom.

Good luck with that. I wish you the best!

If you want someone who tends to go against some of more common norms you can hit me up as well.

Yup. Beth is dah best.

 

[Beth Cyra]

Good luck with that. I wish you the best!



Yup. Beth is dah best.

Lol thanks for the words of encouragement Dai.

 

[Rösti]

I got a new TV guide today and I saw mention of this Swedish programme called Tjejer som oss (Girls like us). Here is a synopsis (translated from Swedish):

Five Swedish trans girls talk about their lives; about the spiritual life, dating, party and just plain living. It's about Saga, Vanessa, Xenia, Ivy and Heidi - all with different backgrounds and different experiences in their luggage. We are all more than the sex we are given. What you have between your legs does not define you as a person, said Saga.

http://www.svtplay.se/tjejer-som-oss

There is, as far as I can tell, no English subtitles and you might need to watch through a proxy if you are outside Sweden. But I figured this could still be worthy a mention.

Also, Saga Becker who appears in this series starred in the critically acclaimed Nånting måste gå sönder (Something Must Break) (2014). Greatly recommended film:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXeZ0y4SAic

http://sfi.se/en-GB/Swedish-film-database/Item/?itemid=69837&type=MOVIE&iv=Basic

 

[AppleSeason]

Less than two months... I'm starting to have fear again and thinking about cancelling. This feels so real now (and also like being hauled to a slaughterhouse, I should not have google for pictures).



Lately I have been thinking a lot about my presentation. Whenever I am wearing pants, I just can't see anything other than a man with long hair in the mirror, not to mention that despite the FFS there is a higher chance of being gendered male when dressing like that and not wearing makeup. I'm considering making dresses and combinations with skirts my default clothing choice, at least for the office. It sorta helps me with actually feeling female, or at least not seeing a guy in the mirror.

And speaking of clothes, looks like in the end I will have to suck it up and buy guy pants for hiking. The ones for women just don't fit me, with so much space for hips. I talked about this with my (lesbian) cis friends and they were like "we bought all of our clothes in the guys section. Cheaper, better quality, fits better and has other colours than pink".


PS: I wonder if on the way back I will finally not be stopped at the body scanner. last time it was pointing that there was something wrong between the legs.

 

[Rajack]

So I wore a women's shirt to my sister's wedding and no one noticed. It felt really good.

 

[Kaywee]

So I wore a women's shirt to my sister's wedding and no one noticed. It felt really good.

Congrats Rajack that is awesome news

 

[Platy]

Not noticing is cool but noticing and not caring because why not is better

 

[Kaywee]

Not noticing is cool but noticing and not caring because why not is better

Your not wrong Platy but in all fairness it's about building up that confidence to point where you can openly be yourself. By the sounds of it she's on that path now and I wish her the best. Owning who you are is not always easy and any milestone along that road should be celebrated.

 

[Dr. Buni]

Congrats Rajack! The first time I used a woman's jeans in public felt really good as well.

 

[WaffleTaco]

So I wore a women's shirt to my sister's wedding and no one noticed. It felt really good.

That's so awesome!! I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to do that!!

 

[Rajack]

That's so awesome!! I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to do that!!

I'm determined to live as myself. Its not whether I'm comfortable enough to express myself, but that I am extremely uncomfortable wearing a male mask that resembles the person I killed to become me.

Edit: Here's the before and after photo for my 6 month milestone, which passed by on the 13th of this month!

 

[WaffleTaco]

I'm determined to live as myself. Its not whether I'm comfortable enough to express myself, but that I am extremely uncomfortable wearing a male mask that resembles the person I killed to become me.

Edit: Here's the before and after photo for my 6 month milestone, which passed by on the 13th of this month!

That makes perfect sense, of course you wouldn't feel comfortable being someone you are not. And just judging by the picture, you look much happier already!

 

[Rajack]

That makes perfect sense, of course you wouldn't feel comfortable being someone you are not. And just judging by the picture, you look much happier already!

I am absolutely so much happier and I also have good reason to since I am in a bit of a romance with a trans coworker at walmart. This is her:

She works in my store's vision center and just started HRT 3 weeks ago. she approaches her 1 month anniversary quickly

 

[Android18a]

That's awesome Congrats on the romance!

I'm off to my first session of face-laser hair removal in a couple of hours. Wish me luck!

 

[Dr. Buni]

Yay, romance!

Your girl is gorgeous btw =)

Also, good luck on the hair removal session, Android.

 

[Android18a]

It didn't happen today after all, I've rescheduled to tomorrow afternoon.

Turns out I shaved yesterday as per instructions, but my facial hair grows too fast and it was too long to do (apparently it would be far too painful with a full days growth for me), so they've said I should shave tomorrow morning for the laser session in the afternoon.

No kidding my hair grows that fast, this is why I can't go en femme even with foundation/concealer over my damned face. It just grows like lightning.

 

[tearsofash]

How much estradiol is normal? My doc says she's not giving me as much because I smoke occasionally, but I don't want to end up being one of those people who is on a low dose forever and doesn't really transition.

 

[Dr. Buni]

How much estradiol is normal? My doc says she's not giving me as much because I smoke occasionally, but I don't want to end up being one of those people who is on a low dose forever and doesn't really transition.

I take 2mg/day and my levels are fine, though my doctor said I should up the dosage to 3mg/day once I find a job and can afford it.

 

[tearsofash]

I take 2mg/day and my levels are fine, though my doctor said I should up the dosage to 3mg/day once I find a job and can afford it.

Ah, I'm only on 0.5 mg right meow.

 

[Dr. Buni]

Ah, I'm only on 0.5 mg right meow.

I started on a lower dosage, too =)

 

[Hella Lugosi]

Trans gals being pals is a beautiful thing <3

*is in a triad with two lovely ladies*

 

[Android18a]

Good week for me so far, lost 3.5 pounds in weight and had my first laser session. Feeling pretty positive, apart from the fact I think I'm coming down with a cold.

 

[Sibylus]

Trans gals being pals is a beautiful thing <3

*is in a triad with two lovely ladies*

Poly Life

 

[tearsofash]

So, I just got kicked out of a woman's homeless shelter because I'm not passing well enough. Boo

 

[Dr. Buni]

So, I just got kicked out of a woman's homeless shelter because I'm not passing well enough. Boo

I am sorry you had to go through that.

I fear interacting/becoming part of female women exclusive spaces and groups because of situations like this. If someone says I am not allowed because of my appearance, it will fuck me up.

 

[tearsofash]

What is your plan? Was this a shelter associated with any of the LGBT volunteer groups in Seattle?

You've looked into Youthcare, Lambert and Gay City?

Gay city doesn't really have shelter info iirc. I'm also too old for some of the stuff that does exist. I'm at a crisis shelter right now, so I have two weeks to figure something out.

 

[Rajack]

I am happy to report another fantastic milestone has happened with my transition! I AM OUT AT WORK! I came out to my boss on Wednesday and she is extremely supportive and I even changed my name tag to match my true identity!

 

[Dr. Buni]

Nothing like having to stop visiting a site (forum) you like because the moderation does nothing about prejudice against trans folks/transphobia (not talking about GAF).

Oh well.

Spoiler

Not sure why I still post in this thread since 90% of my posts are ignored