Okay, I've played this game for about 20 hours now (still on chapter 1 - doing every single sidequest I see), and I've come to one single conclusion:
This game is an asshole simulator.
Two Worlds II is a game that was made around the idea of, "what if the main character was an asshole".
In this game, you play as some dude who had some thing happen and then he escaped and now he's trying to do a thing. Whatever. I didn't really pay attention to that part from the mix of "worst voice acting ever" and "worst dialog ever" and "holy shit this game is really pretty I'm going to look at these rocks for the next 20 minutes - wait what was that? saving the world? Forget that! FUCKING GRASS AND WATER".
So somewhere into my character's re-enactment of Momentum, I discovered through absolutely no fault of my own ADD, that the main character in this game is basically an easily distractible Adolf Hitler.
I'll start with the basics. Your guy is a fucking SARCASTIC PRICK to everyone he encounters. Even the simplest gestures from NPCs results in this dickweed rolling his eyes, slapping his forehead and mumbling the most borderline offensively snide remarks back on these poor shit covered villagers. He's the embodiment of the phrase "not my problem". GUESS WHAT, ASSHOLE? YOU'RE IN AN RPG. Someone didn't give this guy the memo that everyone's fucking wishes and desires ARE his problem, because if he doesn't collect 10 bear pelts by the next main storyline mission, he will be absolutely murdered in his ass because he forgot the game doesn't scale to his level.
This guy is never NOT a complete twat. Even with the friendliest people, even with the most badass evil assholes, even with people starving to death or trying to extort him, to anybody at all, he gives no amount of fuck about anything. Here's a dramatic re-enactment of one of the early main mission quests:
Ass-ninny: Gee, a town in the desert. Great.
Citizen: Oh please thank the nine - please sir, do you have any food? We are starving?
Twatternator: Well, I was saving all these sausages for a sausage party later on, which YOU weren't invited to, because you don't have any sausages. But I guess if I really super have to, you can have... uh, have this inside of a baboon. I don't know what it is but... I don't really care, honestly.
Citizen: Oh thank you! Bless you! :')
CockClown: Fuck off.
**
So at some point later, you learn to ride a horse and after you get it stuck in some rocks and try to navigate it past some tree branches unsuccessfully, you go to this town up the road. They have some food and you need to settle a trade agreement. You speak to what is probably the fantasy equivalent of the town mayor, because he's the first NPC you see, and his house has the best loot to steal (your character steals everything without penalty because he played too much Zelda as a kid). After a few sarcastic remarks and two needless horse races for whatever fucking reason, you swim across 300 metres of ocean to a lighthouse and meet with what I guess was The Mafia, who control the town and the trade routes. At this point you're given a MORALE CHOICE or your character's best guess at what morality is. The choice is as follows:
* Let the Mafia take over the starving village by overthrowing its current mayor, and electing the mayor's mentally disabled brother as new leader to be manipulated by these guys, and quite possibly lead to the entire extortion of this town.
* Say no to the Mafia, not doing anything else to stop them, and letting the town starve to death.
So, wanting to stay in character, I went to the mentally disabled brother and let him know he's the boss now. But it wasn't enough to simply let him know. I had to wait around for his voice actor to try and read his dialogue with the best worst mentally disabled voice he could come up with, which was apparently an exaggerated stutter. And WHILE I was listening to him?
Sarcastic remarks, general dumbfoundedness, and general douchery.
This guy can't even give a fucking break to someone who is mentally ill. What an asshole.
Some other notes I want to add, not in full detail:
At one point I slaughter an entire tribe of monkeys simply because someone told me to. What's worse? They only asked me to go and kill them because THEY WANTED ME TO GO AWAY BECAUSE I WAS SUCH AN ASSHOLE. The NPC at the end of the quest tells me I'm an idiot for doing so.
Another time, you're walking down one of the many corridor mountain valleys and you see two parents digging a grave for their son who is so OBVIOUSLY still alive. He's rolling around on the ground. There is no disputing that this guy is alive. A second later, a third NPC comes up and tells you that the guy's still alive. Captain Oblivious responds,
"Are you sure?"
... ARE YOU SURE? THE GUY IS RIGHT THERE ROLLING AROUND IN FUCKING AGONY
HE IS ALIVE, HE IS NOT DEAD. YOU CAN SEE HIM. YOU TRIED TO INITIALISE DIALOG WITH HIM NOT ONE MOMENT BEFORE. YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE YOU DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING CARE IF HE WAS ALIVE, AND WHEN THIS GUY TELLS YOU HE IS, YOU STILL DON'T GIVE TWO FUCKING SHITS ABOUT IT.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY
THIS GUY IS AN ASSHOLE
WHAT THE FUCK.
WHAT. THE FUCK.