Lord_Balkan
Member
So this is going to be a long post because I think it requires a lot of context to fully understand. It is so esoteric and coincidental that I almost don't believe myself. I will try to be brief.
Last year I was going through a depression phase. I live away from my family in a smaller city and I don't have many friends nearby. The friends I do have are great but they are at different stages in their life... I am 25 and they are married and about to be settling down.
I was lonely and stressed. The way I dealt with it was food. I was always overweight but it got to a big problem where it was bad for my health. With the help of a friend, I downloaded MyFitnessPal and started counting calories. With the help of that, I legit changed my lifestyle. I started out at 305lbs+.
When I started, I was so ashamed that I couldn't even honestly report my real starting weight.
The problem was that I was now incapable of dealing with my loneliness, stress and anxiety. I couldn't just eat anymore. I was out of my element to even play videogames. I didn't know what to do. So I tried going to a therapist. This helped out but it still didn't fix my loneliness issue.
The therapist one day called me up one day in November because she knew my profession, and asked me if I could help out one of her friends in college. She was writing a paper on the industry I work in. Lets call her Raegan. So I helped her out.
Fast forward to December. I started feeling more confident in myself and started online dating. I met this one girl, lets call her Nancy. She is 20. We took a walk around where she lived. We seemed to hit it off really well. We even kissed that day.
I would keep texting her and try to set up another day to hang out, and she would keep standing me up. She was super flakey and not communicate. For example, she said we could hang out one day, I told her okay what time... She said soon... I waited... and kept waiting. She would then basically say no she cant cause something came up. This would go on for a while until I basically just gave up.
The weird thing is she would keep texting me. I didn't understand. Things went so well but then there was no followup. But then she would keep texting me. It was extremely frustrating.
She texted me one night at around 10pm. I was honestly just pissed off. I told her I wanted to see her or else I'm done. I was sick of the games. She said okay, come to my window. So I drove over there, found her house and her window and we talked. It was a relief that I finally got to spend some time with her even though it was janky. Anyway, it started to drizzle... so I climbed into her window and we spent some time together.
Now a little background on Nancy... Reminder, this is just what she has told me. She is 20 years old, her dad was never there. Her mom being there might have been worse than if she wasn't. Her mom would call her her little slave, her little slut... make her do all the house chores and basically emotionally abuse her. She began becoming sexually active at 10 (I don't even know the story here so don't ask). She dealt with this by lying to her. Nancy has had terrible relationships, and her mom kicked her out at 17. Nancy then moved into her mom's ex's place (who was 70ish) and he gave her alcohol and raped her. She then told me that she was raped by someone else her age as well and had his child. Her then boyfriend around the same time broke up with her (they were engaged) because he claimed she cheated on her (this is not related to the rape(s)). I asked her if she did cheat on him, and she said no.
Basically, at this point, she had no where to go. Her best friend and her mom took her in. She is now going to college and trying to live a more stable life adopted into this family. The mom, Michelle, noticed some marks on Nancy's neck from the window night. In teenage fashion, she wanted to meet Nancy's new guy friend so she can lecture me about it. This was fine, I was just happy Nancy was being more open with me. That night, I also met her friend.... She asked me where I worked, and she said she interviewed someone from there. I said "Really? Who was it, I might know them". She said his name was L.... Lord... Lord_Balkan. I was kinda confused, thinking 'there aren't many Lord_Balkans around where I work, who could it.. oh shit'
Her friend's name is Raegan. (added for clarification: Raegan, her friend, was the person that interviewed me through the phone about my career months earlier, which is connected to the therapist cause she introduced us and my diet is the reason I started going to the therapist in the first place. )
Raegan has a fiance named Emma that lived with them as well. We seemed to all get along pretty well. But there were some weird restrictions. Nancy wasn't allowed to sleep over (which I understood) but she also had to be back home by 6pm. This caused some issues but I ended up just going over to her place and hanging there. This wasn't much of an issue. Until it was.
Apparently Emma didn't like us, and Raegan suffers from anxiety and depression and might be bipolar. Emma would give me and Nancy dirty looks and the atmosphere was pretty terrible there. I did not feel welcome. This caused a lot of stress on Nancy and it would break Raegan. She would basically hide in her room or in the attic when I was over cause she didn't want to deal with the issues. She would become happy and herself as soon as I left (according to Nancy). I basically told her that I don't feel comfortable going to a place I don't feel welcome.. I don't want to cause issues.
Well, Nancy talked it out with them and got it all sorted out. Raegan was nice to me, me Rae and Nancy went on a long walk and talked. It was great. On that walk Rae and Nancy talked about how they don't put up with cheaters and all that stuff. Completely fair. That night, Nancy and I was alone together, and things were getting interesting. Out of the blue, without me saying anything or suspecting anything... Nancy kind of went back and said "Don't worry, I'm not cheating on you".
She said "I just want to be honest with you". This didn't sit well with me. I don't want to sound mean, but Nancy isn't exactly bright or too smart. She is extremely naive and impulsive. I still care about her but it is what it is. This raised red flags for me as it would anyone. I gave her the benefit of the doubt because it is completely possible that she is so naive that she might be sincere in that and it might not have been out of guilt.I asked her the next day that if she had something to tell me, that she should come clean and we can work through it. She said things along the lines of... "No I am being honest with you, I would never go behind your back, I don't like anyone the way I like you"... The last part, thanks to my friend, raised some more flags. Being me, I thought I would let it go for now.
The next day I was going to go out of town but my dad told me Easter was on the wrong day. We celebrate Orthodox Easter and it is usually on a different day, but this year it fell on the same day. So at the last minute, I tell Nancy that I will actually be in town. Saturday, I am over her place and we are hanging out. I told the mom Michelle that I will be staying for dinner. The mom seems to like me. Nancy and I are on the couch and she is showing me something on the phone... When an unsaved number messages her "??". I don't say anything, but she says its her cousin. 'My cousin is being annoying'. Whatever, I am pretty confident now that she cheated on me.
She showed me something else on her phone, and the same number messages her "why you ignoring me when we tryna kick it". The writing was on the wall. I was beyond angry. I wanted to tear down the whole house. I didn't say anything and neither did she. I told the mom that I was going to stay for dinner, so I didn't want to be rude. I barely ate dinner, I had lost my appetite. After dinner, a family friend that was over asked me if I could drive her back home couple blocks away. I said sure. Nancy came with me. I dropped the family friend off, and when I pulled back into the driveway, I turned to Nancy, and said "I'm not feeling good, I should go". You can see the guilt on her face. She lowered her head, couldn't even look me in the eye... no goodbye ritual and just walked away in shame.
When I went home, I confronted her over the phone. I didn't want to cause a scene there. She still denied it. She said it was her cousin that wanted to hang out. I wouldn't budge. The day before she sent me a picture of her chat messages on her phone to 'prove' that she wasn't talking to any other guy. I asked her if I could either talk to her cousin about it and if she could send me a picture of her conversation with her cousin. She said yes I could talk to him, and she then sent me this picture. I was talking to her at 10:10pm.
I obviously called her on her bullshit. At this point I was just insulted. I called her on her bullshit, and she STILL denied it. I was enraged. After 10 more minutes of not backing down... she finally confessed. She said made out with her ex.
She couldn't stop crying, I was on the verge of breaking shit. It was not good. I decided to text Raegan and tell her what happened. I didn't trust her to be honest with her family about it. I also told Nancy that she needs help. I told her she needs to tell her 'step mom' about what happened and she needs to get some help.
After a lot of tears from her and anger / rage from me, what happened was that Nancy was just in the mood, and I wasn't around. And instead of talking to me, or telling me... (which could have resulted in)
She decides to text her ex. That isn't even what I'm most angry about... I am most angry about the lying. If she just told me what happened, this could have easily been worked through. This frustrates me though too because she is the one that told me she wants to take it slow. so it is just a hot mess.
We are on speaking terms right now, she is going to a therapist Tuesday, I told her if she ever lies to me again about anything I never want to see her again or hear from her again. I also told her I don't know if I can even forgive her or look past it, I wanted to cool down and really think this through before I do anything. The problem I am having now is I am afraid of being alone out here. I know I deserve better, I know I probably should dump her and move on- but I don't know where to even meet people around here around my age. I am worried that my fear of being lonely is going to keep me in a possibly emotionally abusive relationship. I am just not sure how to deal with this.
I normally don't post this kind of stuff, but I think writing this was a bit cathartic for me. I know most people will probably be like dump her and hit the gym... I am wondering if there will be a Nancy defense force here too. I am just emotionally exhausted right now but I think this post and the responses may help me gather and straighten my thoughts.
TLDR: I lost quite a bit of weight, climbed through a girls window, GF cheated on me and I am worried about being and feeling lonely to dump her when I know I should.
Last year I was going through a depression phase. I live away from my family in a smaller city and I don't have many friends nearby. The friends I do have are great but they are at different stages in their life... I am 25 and they are married and about to be settling down.
I was lonely and stressed. The way I dealt with it was food. I was always overweight but it got to a big problem where it was bad for my health. With the help of a friend, I downloaded MyFitnessPal and started counting calories. With the help of that, I legit changed my lifestyle. I started out at 305lbs+.
When I started, I was so ashamed that I couldn't even honestly report my real starting weight.
The problem was that I was now incapable of dealing with my loneliness, stress and anxiety. I couldn't just eat anymore. I was out of my element to even play videogames. I didn't know what to do. So I tried going to a therapist. This helped out but it still didn't fix my loneliness issue.
The therapist one day called me up one day in November because she knew my profession, and asked me if I could help out one of her friends in college. She was writing a paper on the industry I work in. Lets call her Raegan. So I helped her out.
Fast forward to December. I started feeling more confident in myself and started online dating. I met this one girl, lets call her Nancy. She is 20. We took a walk around where she lived. We seemed to hit it off really well. We even kissed that day.
I would keep texting her and try to set up another day to hang out, and she would keep standing me up. She was super flakey and not communicate. For example, she said we could hang out one day, I told her okay what time... She said soon... I waited... and kept waiting. She would then basically say no she cant cause something came up. This would go on for a while until I basically just gave up.
The weird thing is she would keep texting me. I didn't understand. Things went so well but then there was no followup. But then she would keep texting me. It was extremely frustrating.
She texted me one night at around 10pm. I was honestly just pissed off. I told her I wanted to see her or else I'm done. I was sick of the games. She said okay, come to my window. So I drove over there, found her house and her window and we talked. It was a relief that I finally got to spend some time with her even though it was janky. Anyway, it started to drizzle... so I climbed into her window and we spent some time together.
Now a little background on Nancy... Reminder, this is just what she has told me. She is 20 years old, her dad was never there. Her mom being there might have been worse than if she wasn't. Her mom would call her her little slave, her little slut... make her do all the house chores and basically emotionally abuse her. She began becoming sexually active at 10 (I don't even know the story here so don't ask). She dealt with this by lying to her. Nancy has had terrible relationships, and her mom kicked her out at 17. Nancy then moved into her mom's ex's place (who was 70ish) and he gave her alcohol and raped her. She then told me that she was raped by someone else her age as well and had his child. Her then boyfriend around the same time broke up with her (they were engaged) because he claimed she cheated on her (this is not related to the rape(s)). I asked her if she did cheat on him, and she said no.
Basically, at this point, she had no where to go. Her best friend and her mom took her in. She is now going to college and trying to live a more stable life adopted into this family. The mom, Michelle, noticed some marks on Nancy's neck from the window night. In teenage fashion, she wanted to meet Nancy's new guy friend so she can lecture me about it. This was fine, I was just happy Nancy was being more open with me. That night, I also met her friend.... She asked me where I worked, and she said she interviewed someone from there. I said "Really? Who was it, I might know them". She said his name was L.... Lord... Lord_Balkan. I was kinda confused, thinking 'there aren't many Lord_Balkans around where I work, who could it.. oh shit'
Her friend's name is Raegan. (added for clarification: Raegan, her friend, was the person that interviewed me through the phone about my career months earlier, which is connected to the therapist cause she introduced us and my diet is the reason I started going to the therapist in the first place. )
Raegan has a fiance named Emma that lived with them as well. We seemed to all get along pretty well. But there were some weird restrictions. Nancy wasn't allowed to sleep over (which I understood) but she also had to be back home by 6pm. This caused some issues but I ended up just going over to her place and hanging there. This wasn't much of an issue. Until it was.
Apparently Emma didn't like us, and Raegan suffers from anxiety and depression and might be bipolar. Emma would give me and Nancy dirty looks and the atmosphere was pretty terrible there. I did not feel welcome. This caused a lot of stress on Nancy and it would break Raegan. She would basically hide in her room or in the attic when I was over cause she didn't want to deal with the issues. She would become happy and herself as soon as I left (according to Nancy). I basically told her that I don't feel comfortable going to a place I don't feel welcome.. I don't want to cause issues.
Well, Nancy talked it out with them and got it all sorted out. Raegan was nice to me, me Rae and Nancy went on a long walk and talked. It was great. On that walk Rae and Nancy talked about how they don't put up with cheaters and all that stuff. Completely fair. That night, Nancy and I was alone together, and things were getting interesting. Out of the blue, without me saying anything or suspecting anything... Nancy kind of went back and said "Don't worry, I'm not cheating on you".
She said "I just want to be honest with you". This didn't sit well with me. I don't want to sound mean, but Nancy isn't exactly bright or too smart. She is extremely naive and impulsive. I still care about her but it is what it is. This raised red flags for me as it would anyone. I gave her the benefit of the doubt because it is completely possible that she is so naive that she might be sincere in that and it might not have been out of guilt.I asked her the next day that if she had something to tell me, that she should come clean and we can work through it. She said things along the lines of... "No I am being honest with you, I would never go behind your back, I don't like anyone the way I like you"... The last part, thanks to my friend, raised some more flags. Being me, I thought I would let it go for now.
The next day I was going to go out of town but my dad told me Easter was on the wrong day. We celebrate Orthodox Easter and it is usually on a different day, but this year it fell on the same day. So at the last minute, I tell Nancy that I will actually be in town. Saturday, I am over her place and we are hanging out. I told the mom Michelle that I will be staying for dinner. The mom seems to like me. Nancy and I are on the couch and she is showing me something on the phone... When an unsaved number messages her "??". I don't say anything, but she says its her cousin. 'My cousin is being annoying'. Whatever, I am pretty confident now that she cheated on me.
She showed me something else on her phone, and the same number messages her "why you ignoring me when we tryna kick it". The writing was on the wall. I was beyond angry. I wanted to tear down the whole house. I didn't say anything and neither did she. I told the mom that I was going to stay for dinner, so I didn't want to be rude. I barely ate dinner, I had lost my appetite. After dinner, a family friend that was over asked me if I could drive her back home couple blocks away. I said sure. Nancy came with me. I dropped the family friend off, and when I pulled back into the driveway, I turned to Nancy, and said "I'm not feeling good, I should go". You can see the guilt on her face. She lowered her head, couldn't even look me in the eye... no goodbye ritual and just walked away in shame.
When I went home, I confronted her over the phone. I didn't want to cause a scene there. She still denied it. She said it was her cousin that wanted to hang out. I wouldn't budge. The day before she sent me a picture of her chat messages on her phone to 'prove' that she wasn't talking to any other guy. I asked her if I could either talk to her cousin about it and if she could send me a picture of her conversation with her cousin. She said yes I could talk to him, and she then sent me this picture. I was talking to her at 10:10pm.
I obviously called her on her bullshit. At this point I was just insulted. I called her on her bullshit, and she STILL denied it. I was enraged. After 10 more minutes of not backing down... she finally confessed. She said made out with her ex.
She couldn't stop crying, I was on the verge of breaking shit. It was not good. I decided to text Raegan and tell her what happened. I didn't trust her to be honest with her family about it. I also told Nancy that she needs help. I told her she needs to tell her 'step mom' about what happened and she needs to get some help.
After a lot of tears from her and anger / rage from me, what happened was that Nancy was just in the mood, and I wasn't around. And instead of talking to me, or telling me... (which could have resulted in)
She decides to text her ex. That isn't even what I'm most angry about... I am most angry about the lying. If she just told me what happened, this could have easily been worked through. This frustrates me though too because she is the one that told me she wants to take it slow. so it is just a hot mess.
We are on speaking terms right now, she is going to a therapist Tuesday, I told her if she ever lies to me again about anything I never want to see her again or hear from her again. I also told her I don't know if I can even forgive her or look past it, I wanted to cool down and really think this through before I do anything. The problem I am having now is I am afraid of being alone out here. I know I deserve better, I know I probably should dump her and move on- but I don't know where to even meet people around here around my age. I am worried that my fear of being lonely is going to keep me in a possibly emotionally abusive relationship. I am just not sure how to deal with this.
I normally don't post this kind of stuff, but I think writing this was a bit cathartic for me. I know most people will probably be like dump her and hit the gym... I am wondering if there will be a Nancy defense force here too. I am just emotionally exhausted right now but I think this post and the responses may help me gather and straighten my thoughts.
TLDR: I lost quite a bit of weight, climbed through a girls window, GF cheated on me and I am worried about being and feeling lonely to dump her when I know I should.
My original thread idea was, "Gaf, did my GF cheat on me?"
with just a picture of the conversation she texted me.
with just a picture of the conversation she texted me.
