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[bishoptl]

What the header says, suckas! Check it out! Special guest answer guy: Jimmy Kimmel!

Q: If an animal attacks a PETA supporter, do the rest of the PETA people have to stand there and watch it happen so as not to hurt the animal? Or, would the attackee even want to be saved because if he was saved, he would be interrupting the animal's meal?
-- Ronnie, Edmonton, Canada

JK: This is a great question -- particularly considering the fact that PETA supporters are frequently naked. One can only imagine the joy that would be derived from seeing a wild boar simultaneously drive both his tusks into Pamela Anderson's breast implants -- like a saline shish kabob -- while Paul McCartney looked on helplessly, wondering if his new bride's remaining leg would be the crazed boar's next meal. Ronnie -- if you are younger than 25, I'd like to adopt you.


BS: I'm afraid to say anything right now. Those PETA people are like Scientologists -- you don't even want to look cross-eyed at them. They're terrifying.

 

[levious]

I can't read your posts constructively with her looking right at me

 

[bishoptl]

Q: Sports Guy, why are you still living in Los Angeles? Why would a Boston sports fan live in L.A. when he has no reason to? You used similar logic when you suggested that Ben Affleck can't be a real Red Sox fan because he dated a girl from the Bronx. What is the attraction in L.A.?
-- DJ Junior, Haverhill, Mass.


BS: I can't decide on an answer between "Um ... it's 80 degrees every day?" and "Every woman out here dresses like a hooker." So I guess I'll say both. But yes, I do miss Boston. Very much so.


JK: Here's a little secret I probably shouldn't let you in on, but I will: Wherever you're living right now, L.A. is nicer. In nearly every category, we win. No reasonable person who has ever spent any amount of time here would argue this -- and those who do are in denial. Our weather is better, we have more to do, more to see -- our gardeners charge 50 bucks a month -- and, as a group, the women here make yours look like livestock. L.A. is to cities what George Clooney is to men. Better. And those "earthquakes" we have once every 10 years? Spielberg, Lucas and -- starting next year -- DeVito produce them to scare people away who might be thinking of moving here. Please don't tell anyone.

:lol

 

[calder]

Q: Yo Bill, is there any bad blood between you and Jimmy Kimmel?
-- John D. Hoboken, N.J.

BS: We're cool. Much like the kids who leave the Neverland Ranch after a sleepover, I signed a confidentiality agreement on my way out the door -- I can't reveal details about his copious back hair, or the fact that he takes his laptop into the bathroom with him for 25 minutes, or the fact that he didn't see "Shawshank Redemption" until six months ago ... I can't mention any of that stuff.

JK: One would think that there would be some hostility directed toward a man whose official reason for quitting was "I need more time to watch television," but no. Bill and I remain very much in love.

.

 

[Archaix]

Q: I came up with a fullproof idea for disproving that the WNBA is a real sport. You choose a person from a city that has a WNBA team and ask them the following question: "Would you rather your WNBA team win the championship or be walking along and find a $5 bill on the ground?" So far, I haven't found anyone that will choose the championship. What do you think?
-- Josh, Kansas City, Mo.

JK: I think you need to meet some more WNBA fans. Ask around at the dog groomer.

BS: I need to find out if L.A. has a WNBA team before I'm comfortable answering this question.

and

Q: Why do British people not have an accent when they sing? If I was lost in England and I asked for directions, would it be out of line if I asked them to sing it for me if I couldn't understand the first time?
-- Keith R., Ronkonkoma, N.Y.

JK: I've always wondered about this. I've given it a lot of thought and the only answer I can come up with is -- when they talk, they're faking it. It's a phony accent designed to make us feel dumb. The only English guy I can think of who sings with an accent is Ringo. Maybe he's just too far out of it to play along with the rest of the Brits.

BS: I don't like British people.

Are neck and neck for best q/a. The latter is getting bonus points because I was listening to Oasis while reading the article.

 

[Incognito]

Q: Was the Vito Spatafore/Security Guard incident on the Sopranos the most unlikely "switching of teams" in television history? I actually heard people in my apartment building scream when his head popped up. I would have been less surprised if I found out Gary Payton was gay. Can Vito even go out in public anymore? And where do you apply for the job where you sit on a lawn chair all day at a construction site with five of your best friends?
-- Tim Parliman, Hoboken, N.J.

JIMMY KIMMEL: I still wake up screaming as a result of that scene. It's the sort of thing that challenges everything you believed up until that moment in your life. Are my parents actually my parents? Does God truly watch over us? Was it really necessary to shower with my Dad? Though fictional, it damaged my Gaydar permanently and may have bruised the inside of my brain. With that said, the fact that they dropped that story line completely is, in my mind, the most unforgivable sin in Sopranos history.

BILL SIMMONS: I was one of the people screaming when the head popped up. That was one of the all-time, "Noooooooooooooo!" moments. Now I'm more concerned about the actor who plays Vito -- within like 48 hours, he was pulling an Eric McCormack and giving the "You know, I'm not gay in real life" interviews. Just wait until he's getting heckled at an Italian restaurant some night by some goomba who's re-enacting the "Now go get your shinebox" scene from "Goodfellas," only with some of Those Jokes thrown in. This is going to end badly.

LOL!!! I remember that scene all too well. My mouth fucking dropped -- I couldn't believe it. And at the end of the show, when he was waiting for Meadow's BF to meet him for the game, I kept thinking: "Please, Meadow's BF, DO NOT GO!!!"

As for the Gary Payton comment, well, the reader can fuck off.