My Microsoft Conference Predictions by DryvBy
Phil Spencer gets off the toilet but is still keeps that constipated look on his face. He looks in the mirror and tells himself, "I can do this. Yeah. Piece of cake.". He withdraws a small vile from his pocket and pours some of the cocaine on the counter. He snorts a line just in time for someone to knock on the bathroom door.
"Mr. Spencer, it's time," says a mysterious voice.
Phil puts his jacket on and walks out to be greeted with a shot of vodka. He wipes his mouth on a $3 bill and mentally preps himself. "Do it. Do it. Do iiiiittt!". With the crowds cheering louder than before, Phil walks out on stage with his hands in his pockets and a half-smile. He clears his throat in a grunt and begins.
"It's an exciting time to be apart of the Xbox community this year. With exciting games already announced for this holiday including Rise of the Tomb Raider and Halo 5, we're also excited to announce another furry creature that will be arriving this year exclusively on Xbox One and Xbox 360."
On the screen behind Phil shows an Xbox logo for a few seconds before you hear a gas-powered chainsaw start up. The chainsaw is placed at the top of the X and in a downward motion, the X is cut in two and in the shadows behind a red squirrel walks between the debris.
The crowd erupts! Everyone is cheering and throwing their iPads in the air. Phil now has a single hand out of his pocket and is making a fist extended slightly outward as if he's giving a Powerpoint presentation. After a moment to build the hype, he begins again.
"We're excited to announce that Conker will be appearing exclusively on the Xbox One and Xbox 360 as a special edition avatar for those who pre-order Battletoads." Phil begins clapping and mouths the words "Thank you" to the crowd. The crowd halts it's cheers and you hear a lot of confused expressions. Then there's a sudden burst of dubstep as a montage of Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare, Halo: Master Chief Collection, Battlefield: Hardline, and Sunset Overdrive footage. The audience is even more confused? "This isn't new!", someone in the audience shouts out.
Phil continues to smile and clap by himself. People start walking out. Phil begins with the same emphasis in his voice.
"I guess you guys want to see something new? How about new-old? How about some Battletoads? For the first time that I can remember, here's an exclusive sneak-peak at the development for the new Battletoads game coming exclusively to the Xbox One and Xbox 360 and Xbox original.".
The lights dim and the screen is dark for a a coupe of minutes. The crowd believes there's some technical difficulties in the back. And by the time the mind starts thinking about getting a beer or just going home, the screen lights up the room with a single image.
The stage light is lit up to display Phil holding an NES controller and a random stage person. The crowd begins booing. "This is clearly an NES, Phil!!". Phil continues to half-smile and plays the NES, ignoring the boos. Then something strange happens. Phil begins walking away from the area he was standing and the end of the NES controller isn't even plugged in! Phil quits trying. He puts his right hand in his pocket and starts thanking people with his mouth. The other guy puts the controller down and scurrys off the stage.
"Remember this is only coming to the Xbox. This holiday season." Dub step. Again. This time it's all Halo 5 footage. Master Chief is battling a lizard of some sort. Another spartan is using a sledge hammer to tunnel through a wall. There's guns everywhere, even on the sledgehammer. Then the music stops. Master Chief takes off his helmet for an entire 15 seconds. The face revealed is... Conker?!
"Buggers. Where am I, and what am I doing in space?". The crowd is confused. No one even knows what to do. Should they boo? Should they cheer? Phil starts up his mouth again.
"This fall we're excited to announce an exclusive everyone has been begging for since we first bought Rare. You will finally be able to play as your favorite alcoholic squirrel." Phil mouths his thank yous again. The crowd begins cheering again. Was the intro a joke? More cheering and more and more and... "That's right. Conker will be an exclusive character in the exclusive Xbox One title, Halo 5.". He then walks off stage and some more dub step music plays with another montage of Call of Duty and Halo and the word "Exclusive" popping up randomly all over the screen.
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I'll try and write Sony's and Nintendo's E3 2015 later toad.