Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.
- Thread starter Septimius
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Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Exes are exes for a reason. Stop talking to her. Delete her from social media. Delete her contact information from your phone. And delete any email from her.
War Peaceman
You're a big guy.
She lied before. She can lie again. Not to mention is there ever really one singular reason to break up with someone? It is usually a conglomeration of issues that meant she was not happy.
If you think you gave it an honest shot with her and treated her with respect and put in the effort, then fuck her. She doesn't like you for who you are. You deserve better. Delete on all social media/phone and cut off contact. Cold turkey.
Well the reasons she gave before were still true, she just felt bad that she withheld that reason from me.
And she's right, social anxiety has been an issue for me my whole life (though it's slowly getting better). I had just thought I found someone who was okay with it and would help me work through it but I guess not.
Oh well.
IISANDERII
Member
Help you work through it? An unfair expectation to put on a romantic partner and an extraneous burden to put on the relationship.
davepoobond
you can't put a price on sparks
It's less about being perfect and more about expecting your potential gf to be your therapist
stn
Member
@Servbot24
Sadly mostly people gravitate towards someone stronger than them. Nobody wants to take someone else's baggage, they want to give their baggage to someone else. Know what I mean?
Note: I'm not saying you're weak or have baggage. More that the average person just doesn't care for someone else's problems.
Sadly mostly people gravitate towards someone stronger than them. Nobody wants to take someone else's baggage, they want to give their baggage to someone else. Know what I mean?
Note: I'm not saying you're weak or have baggage. More that the average person just doesn't care for someone else's problems.
I mean, I get it... I just hate that that's the way people work. Gotta live with it I guess.
I probably shouldn't get head first into another dating situation, and just make new friends for a while. I love being so close and intimate with someone that I can see their flaws, but if women don't like that then I shouldn't make that investment.
I probably shouldn't get head first into another dating situation, and just make new friends for a while. I love being so close and intimate with someone that I can see their flaws, but if women don't like that then I shouldn't make that investment.
Sequence Six
Member
So I get set up on a blind date with a girl. That's cool, I like blind dates just fine. Heck, it's been a while since I've been in a relationship so I'm happy for the chance to meet someone new. We set up a day to get something to eat and get to know each other. Day of she punts and says she isn't feeling well and asks if we do this at the start of next week? I'm like, cool. We set up a new time. Then the day before the next date rolls around and I'm swamped with family drama and basically all of my plans that week have changed. So this time I punt, telling her all this, and we set up a time for the coming week.
Now the day of the date is coming up again but my family drama isn't fading. It's amplifying. I'm not very good at hiding my emotions and there's no way I'm dropping this kind of baggage on someone's head on a first date.
So...how do I tell someone this in a way that they'll actually believe me? Because if I were on the receiving end of an excuse like this I'd just assume that the other person wasn't interested.
Now the day of the date is coming up again but my family drama isn't fading. It's amplifying. I'm not very good at hiding my emotions and there's no way I'm dropping this kind of baggage on someone's head on a first date.
So...how do I tell someone this in a way that they'll actually believe me? Because if I were on the receiving end of an excuse like this I'd just assume that the other person wasn't interested.
twinturbo2
butthurt Heat fan
That sounds easy, but how do I stick to that?
MonorailCat
Member
I really would like to believe that, but out of 4 dates I had this year 3 rejected me after the first date and one after the second. Seems a bit often for just random chance.
Maybe the problem is the date-activity. Last year I met for cocktails in the late evening most of the time. Mood was more intimate.
This year was almost always quick daytime dates, which I don't really like. Hard to build a connection and escalate physical contact in a 1.5 hour coffee date.
This is a difficult situation, and I'm not sure what the correct answer is. Perhaps someone else is wiser than me.
I would probably sincerely apologize and semi-lay out the truth. Not go into detail but at least hint at it. Try to reschedule for a concrete date and time - saying "next week" or "next weekend" is too vague.
ClosingADoor
Member
Could be. Time to change strategies then if the other type of dates suits you better. Were the dates their suggestion or are you just too busy for longer dates?
I also pick a cocktail bar for first dates almost always. Mostly seems to go well.
Is the drama really that bad you can't go? Maybe a few hours not thinking about it will be good for you? Of course I don't know the circumstances, so you'll have to decide that.
Otherwise, just talk to her and be honest. you don't have to go into detail, but say your family needs you right now. Pick a specific date and time and stick to it this time. Maybe call instead of text, since that is more personal and apologies come across better when you can actually hear someone instead of just reading their message. Good luck!
MonorailCat
Member
No, the women I met wanted to do something short at daytime. Don't know if they are all busy, or if their good date timespots are "reserved" for more promising matches
ClosingADoor
Member
Do you ask them what they want to do, or are you first in suggesting a place and time? I always just meet at a central spot at like 8 and say I know a good place nearby for drinks. Never had anyone suggest to go for a daytime date after that.
MonorailCat
Member
At least for the last date I suggested it. Although it was 6pm. My plan was getting to know each other a bit and after that go to a bar or something.
But she ended the date after 1.5 hours, because she had to go somewhere else.
Similar plans with the last girl but she ended the date too because she was busy.
Both reasons sounded reasonable. But of course they could have been fake "let me get out of this shitty date" excuses.
Thinking about it, they probably were.
Guess it will be another lonely summer in which I try to improve myself and my life for next years dating season.
ClosingADoor
Member
Yeah, sound like excuses from them. Just bad luck.
Summer is better for dating I think. At least here. Nicer weather, more people going out. You'll be fine!
Yeah, I told her that we couldn't be friends. At least not for the foreseeable future.
Im thinking of just ditching this one, I asked her if we could take her out this weekend and she told me she busy, she was going out with friends etc and asked if we could do the week after. So I was agreed yesterday come around and I asked where she like to go next week and mentioned a place, then she tells me she thought she was going out for lunch with her friends and then dinner with me later on in the day but now shes found out she's going out for a meal with her friends.
Now I thought oh well I'd see her out last night (live in a small town) but she ended up not going out and staying in on her own. Now I dont know if she knew all along she wasn't going out, peoples plans change, but we could've ended up meeting this one instead of next, that is if she knew she wasn't going out.
So I've asked her again when she's next free to see her and her reply was she doesn't know when she's next free. So I'm just thinking of quitting it and moving on.
Now I thought oh well I'd see her out last night (live in a small town) but she ended up not going out and staying in on her own. Now I dont know if she knew all along she wasn't going out, peoples plans change, but we could've ended up meeting this one instead of next, that is if she knew she wasn't going out.
So I've asked her again when she's next free to see her and her reply was she doesn't know when she's next free. So I'm just thinking of quitting it and moving on.
She doesn't sound excited to see you, to be honest. If she was, she would probably have attempted to reschedule when she found out she wasn't going out with her friends in the evening.
I'd just not reply anymore. If she changes her mind and wants to see you, the ball is in her court. So yeah, move on and look for someone who actually wants to meet.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
I agree with this. If they won't make time then I would move on. There's nothing to be gained.
Reave
Member
I literally just went through something just like this, and I ended up just cutting bait. In my case, this girl would say just enough to get me thinking that we would still get to go out after all the cancellations (four to be exact).
After a while, I just sort of reminded myself that my free time is precious, and that I'd rather invest it on people that actually want to be around me than with someone who can't make the effort. It stinks because I actually liked the girl when she was locked in, but in the end, she wasn't worth dangling in the wind like that. So, if I were you, I'd just walk away and never look back. If you're not worth her time, she's damn sure not worth yours.
Lone_Prodigy
Member
Daytime is safer for a first date when you don't know the person. One girl I was messaging refused to meet during the evening which means only weekends and we were both busy so it didn't work out.
Not saying you're a creep or anything but having more people around, more reliable transit, and better visibility is important for some.
videogamer
Banned
Any advice appreciated:
Met a girl at work and spoke with her a few times over the past month. We both seemed to have good conversations, but no obvious flirting. She's was transferred to another site.
Last week, after the transfer, she came to my site to do extra wkrm. We chatted for a bit, and I was thinking about asking her out. She did look like she needed to head out, so I didn't ask. She accidently broke an old cheap picture frame, and I was about to throw it out until the older staff wanted to keep it because of sentimental reasons (it's absolutely incongruous with the rest of the room).
I'm amused by the old staff would work so hard to keep the portrait. Is that be something I can email her with and maybe lead to me asking her out?
Thanks!
Met a girl at work and spoke with her a few times over the past month. We both seemed to have good conversations, but no obvious flirting. She's was transferred to another site.
Last week, after the transfer, she came to my site to do extra wkrm. We chatted for a bit, and I was thinking about asking her out. She did look like she needed to head out, so I didn't ask. She accidently broke an old cheap picture frame, and I was about to throw it out until the older staff wanted to keep it because of sentimental reasons (it's absolutely incongruous with the rest of the room).
I'm amused by the old staff would work so hard to keep the portrait. Is that be something I can email her with and maybe lead to me asking her out?
Thanks!
Sounds like a good idea, as long as you (probably?) don't put both in same message. Like, first message you talk about the frame, wait for her response, then ask her out. I'm assuming you guys don't work together in such a way that you guys see each other?
---
Update on my situation, so one guy chatted me up on OKC yesterday. He moved fast in trading numbers, I was impressed. We also texted a ton last night and yesterday, too. So we set up to meet in a park today at around 5PM my time... and since I just got home around 11, I'd say it went well. Like, extremely well. :3 Lots of chemistry and everything.
Our work schedules don't line up at all on the weekdays (I work days, he does evenings), so we'll meet up again Saturday night. We'll of course text throughout the week too. I'm pretty excited :3 Also, that works out pretty darn well too, as we're both people that need alone time and whatnot to chill and decompress.
I didn't really expect my first OKC date ever to go this well, there has to be a catch. >.>
videogamer
Banned
No, we work for a big company, and we aren't likely to cross paths at work again.
You're OKC story sounds awesome. So excited!
PHEW. So returned home from taking my sis to school, finally got a text response back after sending one on Friday about dinner or drinks on Monday or Tuesday, says she's available Tuesday around 8.
I guess I can just be like "Sure! Does *this sit-down restaurant* sound fine?" or "Great! Do you have any place in mind?"
I guess I can just be like "Sure! Does *this sit-down restaurant* sound fine?" or "Great! Do you have any place in mind?"
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Always try to take charge and suggest a place.
Oh yeah, then totally go for it! You won't have to deal with any work related awkwardness either, then. :3
Sounds about right. How many dates have you been on with her (sorry, I can't remember if this is the same girl from before or not)? A sit-down dinner isn't always for the best on a first date, drinks would be better, but otherwise you got this.
EDIT: And what the others said, lol
Second date. First one was over coffee about two weeks ago & we talked for about two hours. We've been texting about once a day or every other day since last week, as we were busy with final exams, then this weekend she was busy with graduations & then Mother's Day.
Applebee's is one of my favorite places, plus there's a bar right in the center in case she just wants to get drinks or whatever, so figured that might work out considering it'd be on Tuesday around 8 or 8:30 (might suggest that since it could give her some extra time).
Applebee's is one of my favorite places, plus there's a bar right in the center in case she just wants to get drinks or whatever, so figured that might work out considering it'd be on Tuesday around 8 or 8:30 (might suggest that since it could give her some extra time).
Am I weird for being bothered by the girl I'm seeing being active on Tinder (where we met), when we've moved on to text? Even though we've only met three times and haven't gotten physical yet. Though, we did initially agree that both want to take it slow. I believe I've expressed similar concerns previously in this thread, with another girl, but I've still not come to terms with the idea. I mean of course she can do whatever she wants, we're not by any means exclusive, but it still feels weird. I dunno what to think, and it's not like I can ask her about it without coming off as needy or desparate.
It's natural to feel anxious when you see something like that, but think about it this way, you're checking tinder too. She may see that and think the same thing. Try not to put any stock into the dating apps or sites, just focus on your time spent together and see where it goes.
Update on my front, asked for a second, they're busy this week. The weekend is taken up with things they actually mentioned being excited for coming up on the date, but I didn't know when they were. At the same time it's a convenient excuse and I'm 99% sure we won't see each other again. On to the next one.
Update on my front, asked for a second, they're busy this week. The weekend is taken up with things they actually mentioned being excited for coming up on the date, but I didn't know when they were. At the same time it's a convenient excuse and I'm 99% sure we won't see each other again. On to the next one.
To be honest I'm only checking to see if she's on, while she is active in periods of time (I know, I've checked this too much). But yeah, you're right. She does respond to my texts super fast still. I gotta stop thinking about it.
ClosingADoor
Member
Of course she is checking it. Even if it all goes well, she might get alerts from older swipes or messages from people. Or she is just checking what you are doing. Don't think about it, it doesn't mean anything.
If you aren't exclusive yet you really can't let it get to you. She has a right to still be looking or talking to other guys and you have a right to be looking or talking to other girls. Just how casual dating goes really.
If you feel like you are ready to be exclusive you could ask her, are you?
FalconLunch
Member
I don't think you're weird. You just need to be able to accept that that's a part of dating in the beginning stages, and until you both agree to some exclusivity she will - as you said - do whatever she wants. Try not to think too much about it. Play the field yourself if that's your thing.
We aren't ready to be exclusive, no. I mean if she wanted it I would say yes in a heartbeat, but I feel we haven't reached that stage yet.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
So I'm going on a string of nice dates with this really cool girl
Then the girl I'd been flirting with for a while (this was months ago) asks me to go see a movie with her.
Fuckin' A man. Never had this happen before, and am really not a "playing the field" kind of guy. Typical though.
Then the girl I'd been flirting with for a while (this was months ago) asks me to go see a movie with her.
Fuckin' A man. Never had this happen before, and am really not a "playing the field" kind of guy. Typical though.
Dr Duncan Steel
Member
So any advice from you guys would be appreciated;
So this girl I went out with for a couple times (in fact I went to prom with her) moved back in town after graduating and went through some break up because of that. Now it's been like 4 years since I've talked to her but I regularly see one of her close friends and she says that we (me and her friend I haven't seen in 4 years) should go out sometime but at least start as friends within a group hang out kinda thing. I mean I'm sort of at a crossroads in this type of thing, do I just talk to the girl myself hoping we could catch up or should I just wait this one out? Her friend tells me she works in the morning almost everyday so she almost never has time to go out and now I'm beginning to think this is all gone to shit before it even started.
So this girl I went out with for a couple times (in fact I went to prom with her) moved back in town after graduating and went through some break up because of that. Now it's been like 4 years since I've talked to her but I regularly see one of her close friends and she says that we (me and her friend I haven't seen in 4 years) should go out sometime but at least start as friends within a group hang out kinda thing. I mean I'm sort of at a crossroads in this type of thing, do I just talk to the girl myself hoping we could catch up or should I just wait this one out? Her friend tells me she works in the morning almost everyday so she almost never has time to go out and now I'm beginning to think this is all gone to shit before it even started.
What could hurt in talking/catching up with her? Don't go in there having expectations, just see how she is doing and what she's like now that 4 years have passed. You have lots you two could catch up on. Her friends are setting up an opportunity for you, so grab it. You might find out that you don't like who she's become after all this time, or you both might end up sparking some chemistry. Waiting it out and forcasting doom and gloom is not what you should be doing.
definitely reach out but because she just went through a breakup I'd take it real slow. Hang out sparingly a month or two and then start testing the waters.
Dr Duncan Steel
Member
One crucial detail between her and I which is that we had a bit of a falling out due to some communication problems and some weird high school drama bullshit that I don't wanna get too much into. I mean 4 years is quite awhile and we're probably different people for better or for worse.
Another thing is that at the advice from her good friend was that it would be best to have us meet each other through a group hangout bar hopping thing and I only really know her best friend cause she's in an on and off relationship with my best friend. And now they're off apparently (this could change in a week i swear) and I feel like this was my only "in" in regards to meeting up with her. Now I feel like I gotta find a way to get my friend to get back together with the friend of the girl I'm trying to date and now it's beginning to feel like an episode of some shit sitcom.
Should I just say fuck it and do this whole thing myself and risk weirding her out?
Depends how you go on about it I guess. You could simply go the "oh so and so mentioned you were back in town, wanna catch up?". But considering the HS drama (let's face it, that no longer counts, life doesn't follow like Dawson's Creek) and the fact that college (guessing she moved back from college?) can change a person you might want to see her for the first time in a group setting.
-Because group things are usually seen as a friendly hangout.
-Can be intentionally/unintentionally cockblocked by members of the group.
-Hard to get a one-on-one with the person.
-Sometimes it is hard to steer the conversation of the group to your strengths.
-Not everyone thrives in a group setting.
Nothing wrong with that. You can hang out friendly and still flirt.
Learn to be witty and fun. Chances are that people will just talk behind your back anyway if you meet up one on one.
That's okay too. Sometimes it's better to be fun and sparkling and awesome to everyone; show how socially desirable you are. No one likes someone who's not fun at parties.
It doesn't always have to be about you. Take an interest in what people say, even if it's something totally outside your wheelhouse. Find out what she's interested in.
As the first person to tell you that I hate large groups of any kind, I have also found that being around large groups is necessary. Try to make it work.
I'm not sure why I responded to all of that, since its obviously a personal choice, but I would say go for the group setting. It's less pressure overall and you can make plans specifically after the group event if things go well.
Just my opinion.
False Witness
Member
My ex sure is something. She pushes me away and pushes me away, but somehow manages to magically choose the exact moment that I go out on a date to call me a dozen times. It's happened four times in a row now. I won't hear from her for a week or more and then suddenly it's date time and time for her to call apparently.
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