Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
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Thanks man
Also, regarding your previous post, what's the main thing you're waiting for now? I know you were waiting on your doctor's visit before. How did that end up going?
Thanks man
Also, regarding your previous post, what's the main thing you're waiting for now? I know you were waiting on your doctor's visit before. How did that end up going?
It went well, I guess. Standard talk. I mostly go for my pill refills.
Right now I am waiting for: Mail, dinner, Job start date, and an email from kijiji for comics
Ah okay, gotcha. Well I hope you got what you wanted out of the visit at least.
And you got a new job? Are you excited for it?
Also, I hope those comics come soon. Comics are the best. I really hope I'm able to get back into comics soon. Between working so much and having trouble focusing on stuff/getting myself to do things due to depression, my comics reading life has been pretty much non-existent for most of this year.
Apathetic about self-publishing on kindle. Which is kinda worrying. Maybe I'm too thick skinned these days.
I won't say that I'd not tried and failed the traditional route. Because I did try. And rightly failed.
Still. I had to work up the motivation to post about it on gaf. Hmm... not good.
I'm hoping for ten sales. And most of the profits go to charity. So there's no money for me apart from the possibility of recognition.
I won't say that I'd not tried and failed the traditional route. Because I did try. And rightly failed.
Still. I had to work up the motivation to post about it on gaf. Hmm... not good.
I'm hoping for ten sales. And most of the profits go to charity. So there's no money for me apart from the possibility of recognition.
CheesecakeRecipe
Stormy Grey
I'm not sure if I want to go down that long and painful road of self-publishing, myself. Having all the responsibility for advertising/promotion being heaped on you is stressful to even think about, let alone actually attempt. And then there's the whole sea of novels out there far better than mine, and the feeling that I haven't "made it" until I've gotten a book published through traditional means. A lot of it is just me being silly, but I've been there and still am there.
Where do you think your apathy for putting it out there comes from?
I'm not sure. I've put in my preferred pen name too [Though that was me not thinking straight]. Which is a shame. Always wanted to keep that for genuinely good stories.
This is for GAf's writer group thing. And it's for erotic shorts. Which you're supposed to use throwaway pen names for.
I think you send out stuff. That you think is good. And get rejection letter. After rejection letter. And after a couple of years. You sorta go on automatic mode. Wondering whether you've actually sent a piece already or not.
Then one day, you just sorta don't send stuff out.
Some of us know we're just perfectly average writers. And we carry on writing because... I guess we just like writing. It is what it is.
I am fucking worthless. Today I got fired from my job as a programmer for pretty much the same reason I was forced to quit from the last one: Too many fucking stupid mistakes and taking too long to get things right because of said stupid mistakes.
I don't know what to do with myself, I fucking loved this company, I don't know how I'll ever find another job with these two marks on my record now, and both within one fucking year. I'm fucking screwed, I'm probably going to eventually get evicted from my apartment, probably my girlfriend will leave me because I'm worthless, my family will hate me, I'll end up homeless. I am worth absolutely fucking nothing.
I'm not suicidal, but I'm definitely not okay.
I don't know what to do with myself, I fucking loved this company, I don't know how I'll ever find another job with these two marks on my record now, and both within one fucking year. I'm fucking screwed, I'm probably going to eventually get evicted from my apartment, probably my girlfriend will leave me because I'm worthless, my family will hate me, I'll end up homeless. I am worth absolutely fucking nothing.
I'm not suicidal, but I'm definitely not okay.
You're not shit. You got hired twice in one year. Review your performance. & make it your goal to not make those mistakes again. Give each new job less and less reason to reject you.
CheesecakeRecipe
Stormy Grey
Oh god, Nappuccino tried to rope me into that smut writing thing. Couldn't bring myself to do it even for the giggles. Shame you accidentally went with your preferred pen name for it, I guess there's no way to request a change or alternative pen name? I heard you were allowed to make as many as you wished in the back end, but I've never messed with it.
I totally hear you on the automation and burn out part. I've got a stack of rejection letters built up high and there came a point where I'd write but never show anyone a word of it. Nary a soul has seen a word of my NaNo novel from last year. I've just gotten used to nothing really getting anywhere that I retracted completely from any potential audience because I felt like I just wasn't worth anyone's time.
I'm trying really, really hard to break out of that funk with my current project, even if it is so far out of my comfort zone that I'm afraid it will suck just on lack of experience writing in the genre. It's hard to give advice for this, since for me it really just hit a turning point where I was either going to get back to trying to make a name for myself, or I was going to end myself. I wouldn't say smut is worth the struggle, but I want you to feel some kinda spark again some day, to want to put up that fight again. We all struggle with it.
Just keep at it is as good advice as any. Isn't it?
That's what I told another author on gaf.
Edit: I just wasn't thinking straight. My main thing was not to really put a lot of effort into the cover. And whilst doing that I put my name in as a placeholder. But never changed it. Oh well. I'm not really fussed all that much. Just feeling a bit stupid.
That's what I told another author on gaf.
Edit: I just wasn't thinking straight. My main thing was not to really put a lot of effort into the cover. And whilst doing that I put my name in as a placeholder. But never changed it. Oh well. I'm not really fussed all that much. Just feeling a bit stupid.
CheesecakeRecipe
Stormy Grey
Indeed! Just gotta keep throwing our words at the wall until it makes such a big mess like Bagels' giant word art collages that people can't ignore it!
Positive vibes your way, Ashey <3
I'm a fucking joke. I made the same mistakes despite trying not to make them. I'm so fucking worthless.
That's not good. Being worked up is not worth it though. Better to be calm. And see how you can improve.
The more preparatory work you do, the better your foundations for next time. I know it's easy to say and hard to do. Trust me.
Various Artists
Banned
What's everyone's opinion on letting know your boss you suffer from depression? I read articles online and most said you could be limiting yourself from future promotions and what not. Not sure it's in my best interest.
Sounds about right. I'd speak up if it were seriously affecting my work as it is right now.
Has anyone else here with anxiety or depression experienced problems with confusion, derealization, and memory?
I feel like I'm in a constant fog and struggle explaining my own ideas and emotions. A lot of times when I come home it feels like the day didn't even happen. It's been especially bad at school. I've had days where I've spent 6 hours on an essay, submitted it, and then struggled to recall what it was even about five minutes later. Halfway through the semester I would even have trouble recalling what classes I was taking when someone asked me. My mind seems chaotic and disorderly all of the time and it makes me feel overwhelmed and even occasionally like I'm on the verge of some kind of breakdown.
With my long-term memory, I'm starting to forget names, faces, defining events, and even whole years. It's especially upsetting when I am fighting with family members or feeling down and it's hard to remember the good times even though I know that I was happier back then.
I feel like things are going by really quickly and that my whole life could pass me by in this state. It's kind of scary. I'm debating whether or not I should try to get medicare/medicaid and try to see a neurologist. I already put a pretty big financial strain on my family in the past with psych visits so I'm really afraid of that happening again.
I do have ADD and started taking a new medication for it at the beginning of the semester. It's certainly helped with motivation, but not with making things more lucid. I also quit taking Ativan after using a smallish (0.5 and later on 1mg) dose for ~6 years hoping that it would help with my memory. It's been about 6 months and I don't feel very different at all.
Should I try and see someone about this or is this just a part of getting older or having anxiety?
I feel like I'm in a constant fog and struggle explaining my own ideas and emotions. A lot of times when I come home it feels like the day didn't even happen. It's been especially bad at school. I've had days where I've spent 6 hours on an essay, submitted it, and then struggled to recall what it was even about five minutes later. Halfway through the semester I would even have trouble recalling what classes I was taking when someone asked me. My mind seems chaotic and disorderly all of the time and it makes me feel overwhelmed and even occasionally like I'm on the verge of some kind of breakdown.
With my long-term memory, I'm starting to forget names, faces, defining events, and even whole years. It's especially upsetting when I am fighting with family members or feeling down and it's hard to remember the good times even though I know that I was happier back then.
I feel like things are going by really quickly and that my whole life could pass me by in this state. It's kind of scary. I'm debating whether or not I should try to get medicare/medicaid and try to see a neurologist. I already put a pretty big financial strain on my family in the past with psych visits so I'm really afraid of that happening again.
I do have ADD and started taking a new medication for it at the beginning of the semester. It's certainly helped with motivation, but not with making things more lucid. I also quit taking Ativan after using a smallish (0.5 and later on 1mg) dose for ~6 years hoping that it would help with my memory. It's been about 6 months and I don't feel very different at all.
Should I try and see someone about this or is this just a part of getting older or having anxiety?
It really doesn't matter. I'm clearly incapable of ever amounting to anything. Honestly I wish I could just stop existing, not suicide, just stop existing.
I dunno, I guess a job would be cool. I do love money so that's a plus.
The kijiji person has not gotten back to me yet, I was really hoping they would have before now so I could plan the meetup for tomorrow. Oh well.
I broke down and told my mom that I'm depressed today.
God I just don't know what to do with my life. Check my post history in this topic to get an idea of where I'm at I guess if you're wondering since my life hasn't changed all that much. I keep having to drop math classes and I feel so stupid, especially since I used to be good at math. I just keep panicking during exams and I can't get passed it. I'm also studying computer engineering which I'm bad at and don't really like but I can at least get pass the classes, and I feel like I could end up into a decent position when I graduate if I do. I dunno if I should change my major or go to a different college or take a leave or join the military or drop out entirely or find some way to pass the class or what.
God I just don't know what to do with my life. Check my post history in this topic to get an idea of where I'm at I guess if you're wondering since my life hasn't changed all that much. I keep having to drop math classes and I feel so stupid, especially since I used to be good at math. I just keep panicking during exams and I can't get passed it. I'm also studying computer engineering which I'm bad at and don't really like but I can at least get pass the classes, and I feel like I could end up into a decent position when I graduate if I do. I dunno if I should change my major or go to a different college or take a leave or join the military or drop out entirely or find some way to pass the class or what.
PudgyBunny
Neo Member
(hugs) I have depression and anxiety too so I know how test taking can be....as well as dropping classes -_- You are not stupid. You are just stressed and it messes with your mind.
I know the feeling, but for you and your loved ones' sake, I suggest you see a doctor.
I already have, in addition to depression I probably have ADHD too, more shit that's wrong with me that I have to take medicine for. I'm completely fucking worthless and can't do anything right.
I feel the same way. How long have you been taking meds? The ADHD one in particular?
I've been on Adderall/Ativan and I'm absolutely miserable. I'm determined to quit the Ativan now that I'm on my last pill.
I sent you some as well, let me know if you get em.
I've been on Adderall for around 4 months. I was also taking Ritalin before that for about a year.
Make sure you talk to your doctor about tapering off of the Ativan. I remember hearing that it can cause seizures and other nasty side effects if you stop taking it too quickly (especially at higher dosages). I hope it works out for you.
Secret Fawful
Member
I hate my life. I deal with such a constant stream of anxiety that I can't even look at the world normally anymore. It is absolutely soul-crushing to run into yet another situation where my anxiety makes me act weird and I'm looked at like a freak for the umpteenth time. I can't do this anymore. I literally just want to sleep all day, I have no confidence left to do anything that I want to do with my life, I want to retreat from socializing and talking about anything entirely, and I'm just a mess. Seeing a psychologist didn't help me. Medication just regulates me, and that's an iffy proposition at best anymore. I'm a walking wreck.
I know it's hard, but keep trying.
"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." I like this quote because it reminds me that negative thoughts feed on themselves endlessly and I keep in mind dwelling on them doesn't help.
I don't know if anyone in here is familiar with programming at all, but basically I overcomplicate things extrordinarily. That's how I lost my last two jobs, I come up with some overtly complex solution that in reality doesn't fucking work, then I'm horrible at testing my code and think it works when it really doesn't, which causes me to miss fucking deadlines. I feel absolutely worthless because I went to college for this, yet I have already lost two jobs for it.
With energy already a precious commodity, I'd try your best not to spend it assigning blame. I don't think what you're going through is your fault; it's much more complicated than that. We've all done things that have led to other things, but suffering is suffering and it's a large beast with many many roots.
You say that you're not able to make changes on your own, and that when you try, they don't work out. I must ask - is this because the things you try don't work as you expect? Or you don't have the energy to try many things? Or perhaps your expectations of yourself are unreasonably critical so it's simply not possible to succeed?
Or maybe, just maybe, it's some combination of all three?
What do you think?
Hmm, this may become a summer project in a month or so, given that the piano at my parents' house is getting less and less harmonious by the day. Thanks for the info!
Also, from reading your other posts, I'm so glad you've had a string of good days. I hope it continues
I don't think there's a clear cut yes or no; it depends on your work and on your boss. I've told people at the last three jobs I've been at, though not always necessarily the "boss".
The job I had 2012-2013 was very understanding about it; I went to the supervisor I was most comfortable with and he confessed that he had a good friend who was bipolar and had panic issues and while I didn't open up to him about all of the ins and outs of what I was going through, it made me feel a lot better to know that there was someone there who understood enough to know I wasn't lying and know that if I said things were tough I was suffering I wasn't playing it up. The one time I did have issues while at that job I was able to go to him and get my schedule moved around to accommodate.
The next job I had I knew from previous experience that the people at the top didn't quite "get it" so instead I found allies in between - my most direct supervisor was very understanding, I explained to him why I hadn't told the higher ups and he got it. I felt much better having him understand - I knew that if anything ever happened I could go to him and we, together, could figure out what to tell the bosses.
My most recent job was ... neutral. My boss just sort of said "okay" and, not sensing much support or understanding from her, I didn't ever mention it again. The one time I had issues I instead went to my most direct supervisor, who knew me very well and knew she could trust me not to lie about these things. Again, it felt good opening up to her and together we were able to put together some cover for me to have to duck out a couple of days.
So it may or may not make sense to go directly to the top. I would put your feelers out and start thinking about who at work seems like they would, generally, be empathetic toward mental health issues. They don't really need to TOTALLY UNDERSTAND what you're going through as long as you can trust each other and you can explain enough that they see it's legitimate.
First of all, I'm sorry to hear that your relationship with your siblings is difficult. If you think you can stick it out this summer then by all means, getting help through school is a sensible option that many (including myself!) have pursued successfully. Plan on going in ASAP in the fall, if you can, before they get swamped with new students and stuff.
In the mean time, I hope GAF and others can be enough support for you to make some progress in at least making sense of what ails you. As I see it, we often take one of two paths with our suffering: feel it, observe it, and learn from it, or shut it out and ignore it with drugs / games / anything because it hurts too much. It's not always necessarily a conscious choice - I've spent tons of time doing the latter even after I tried to commit to the former. The key is to have at least some of the learning and observing, even if you have to rest from that by distracting yourself for a while.
By on call duty do you mean an intake facility?
Is there anything we can do to help motivate you to keep making calls? I really wish I could lend you some initiative.
Well, the next question would be, why are you ashamed of those things? What is uncomfortable to speak about? Why are those subjects uncomfortable? What does the discomfort feel like? Obviously these aren't questions you can answer straight away but hopefully if you've got your eyes in that direction you can gain some insight and, with that knowledge, start to unwind that which binds you.
In my experience that's precisely how therapy has been useful - gaining insight into the self.
You're allowed to be not okay. I'm so sorry you're suffering.
Can you see the leaps you've made here, though? You lost your job. So far, that is all that has happened. Yet you've already decided that you will lose your housing, your girlfriend, and your family and you will be a complete and total failure. I'm sure things are hurting horribly right now but it still doesn't mean you're equipped with the knowledge with which to write your own epitaph.
Again, there's a big jump here. It sounds as though there are a lot of other things piling on to the difficulty of losing your job that are taking it from "this is a set back and it sucks horribly" to "I am a total and abject failure with no recognizable worth."
I firmly believe you have worth, and I firmly believe that you can find a path forward from this difficult circumstance.
I've had it, but never to the extent that you've described. There's a certain amount of fogginess that comes with depression and there's a certain amount of surreality that comes with ADD medications but what you're describing sounds quite extreme. Personally, I would absolutely check with a doctor. Do you still have a psychiatrist you're seeing for your ADD medications?
Also, I don't think the Ativan should be having any effect at this point if it's been 6 months, so that's definitely not it.
I think, before you do any of those things, you should breathe. And sleep on it. Probably several times. Give yourself a few days, if you can, to let things settle in your mind and see how they line up.
How was it telling your mom?
What do you mean that medication just regulates you, and how is it an iffy proposition?
<3
Maybe someone here will enjoy this song as much as I do:
Till I Die by The Beach Boys
From Wikipedia:
There have been many nights when I've been feeling absolutely alone, drifting through space, hopeless when I've been able to find some solace in this song. Someone else gets it. Someone else gets it and they put it into music. This is my existence. This is all I have. Listening to the song can be a great release, especially the haunting repeated chorus at the end. The lyrics are masterful:
Till I Die by The Beach Boys
From Wikipedia:
There have been many nights when I've been feeling absolutely alone, drifting through space, hopeless when I've been able to find some solace in this song. Someone else gets it. Someone else gets it and they put it into music. This is my existence. This is all I have. Listening to the song can be a great release, especially the haunting repeated chorus at the end. The lyrics are masterful:
Secret Fawful
Member
It only keeps me from having panic attacks, but outside of that, it doesn't regulate the way I think or live. It doesn't keep me from thinking things that are obviously crazy to anyone else, like how people in public spaces could be judging me, and then re-organizing my life and living according to that fear. I live my life in avoidance of everything I fear and worry about, and when something I worry about ends up being true, or if I think it's true, it's devastating. So medication can regulate me and help me on some levels, but it's not enough to keep me "normal", I guess.
smokeandmirrors
Banned
Who thought it I should be allowed to graduate college. I am no where near smart enough to have done so :\
This is my fear right now as I apply for programming jobs. I'm so scared about failing in the interview or even the job.
This is my fear right now as I apply for programming jobs. I'm so scared about failing in the interview or even the job.
I have similar problems except probably to a greater extent. I might not even graduate from college (at least with this major or for a long time) because of it, so don't feel too bad.
I've spent the last few weeks thinking about this though. I genuinely don't know what I'm going to do. And honestly none of them really seem like good options. I wish I could go back in time to Freshmen year and just change to something I like before I ruin my mental state and my GPA.
In my experience, psychiatric medication cannot fix all of our problems or magically make us "normal". Why? Well, it's symptom relief, and while the alleviation of symptoms is tremendously helpful in relieving suffering and making further therapeutic work possible ... an entire self is much more than a set of symptoms, waiting to be relieved. We've spent our whole lives becoming who we are, navigating around these difficulties. They shaped us.
Medication helped me stop getting stomach cramps from anxiety. It stopped my mind from racing around quite as much. But it didn't magically stop me from thinking down those roads of thought that have no answers ("why is there no greater purpose to existence, that I'm aware of?"), or from fearing opening up to others because of just how much people have hurt my feelings in the past. Those changes or on me (and my therapist) to implement through behavior as I learn about myself, now that there isn't a daily scourge, a relentless onslaught of anxiety in the way. It made those factors much, much less powerful, but it didn't magically take them away. I'm still working on it.
Medication helped me feel less suicidal and hopeless when I'm in my darkest spots. It rebalances my emotional spectrum to be evenly positive and negative, rather than scrape the bottom most of the time. But it didn't magically take away the paths I used to badger myself down into those dark places, or take away the hurtful people and circumstances or fix my wonderful ability to blame myself for everything and turn everything into evidence that I'm a total failure. Those changes are on me (and my therapist) to implement through behavior as I learn about myself, now that the dark places aren't quite as inky black. It made those factors much, much less powerful, but it didn't magically take them away. I'm still working on it!
So yes, when I started on the right anti anxiety medication it did totally change the lens through which I saw things, through which I felt things, through which I thought about things. In a way it did change me, big time. But that change was mostly my natural response to the alleviation of symptoms, and then those changes continued with my growing knowledge of myself and my unique struggles.
Maybe, perhaps, possibly, medication could blunt the suffering from the things you fear most, so that, slowly, over time, you avoid things less. Maybe, possibly medication could quell your runaway thoughts just enough that you can learn to notice them, just notice them, rather than judge them or run towards or away from them.
Notice you still have to learn, though. That's what therapy, among other things, can help you do.
You mentioned that seeing a psychologist didn't help you. Do you have a sense of in what ways it was inadequate? Were you able to open up to the psychologist, completely? Did the psychologist help create a safe environment where you could do so? Was the psychologist able to help you reframe thoughts and behaviors and offer some insight into them, or lead you to your own learning of self?
I don't think your problems are better or worse; I don't think it's that simple. They're just different.
As much as we would like it to, time will never move backwards, and as much as it may not seem this way right now, you've got plenty of time ahead of you, rife with opportunity. I can't tell you exactly what to do because I'm not you and I don't know the situation, completely, but rest assured that much of the time it's less about making the right decision and more about making the decision right.
Talk it out. Think it out. Maybe even use a decision making website (I've done it!). Give it your best shot. When your best shot misses, learn from it, and make another. You're not a failure!
<3
What kind of text? You ask for her back? Long letter? Or just a "hey"?
Secret Fawful
Member
He provided all of that. He gave me valuable tools to regulate my issues myself. Where he failed is that he tried to convince me that I was normal, or more accurately that my problems were normal, but that put me into a false sense of security about myself I didn't need. He gave me everything I needed and then he crippled me. He told ME I didn't need to see him anymore, but what he was really saying was that the sessions that my insurance would pay for were up, and he wasn't there to continue helping me work through my anxiety beyond that. So that was a failure. I would actually like to one day be free of this fresh hell I'm living in, but he tried to convince me I already was, and I wasn't.
^^Secret Fawful, I'm very sleepy but I intend to respond to you when I am rested.
I realized after I posted that that noone here has any context.
GF and I dated for two and a half years. Lived together for one year.
Broke up because circumstances sent us to different places.
Both dated other people.
Never really went out of touch, because we were still attached, but set up system governing how often we could communicate and mostly stuck to it.
Separation makes the heart grow fonder?
About six months ago became clear that circumstances may be such that she could move to where I am until I am done with school.
We began getting closer again, visited each other a couple of times.
As of three weeks ago, turns out that it still isn't realistic, or probably won't be for another year.
We decided to take a long (one month?) break from talking to sort out our own lives.
I just threw in the towel after two weeks of writing letters to her in my journal almost every night.
Oh well. Didn't send her anything bad, just a semi-long message about how I was wondering how she was doing and while I understood if she didn't want to talk it made me feel better to have her know that I'm thinking about her, etc.
She responded and it looks like we're talking this weekend.
I realized after I posted that that noone here has any context.
GF and I dated for two and a half years. Lived together for one year.
Broke up because circumstances sent us to different places.
Both dated other people.
Never really went out of touch, because we were still attached, but set up system governing how often we could communicate and mostly stuck to it.
Separation makes the heart grow fonder?
About six months ago became clear that circumstances may be such that she could move to where I am until I am done with school.
We began getting closer again, visited each other a couple of times.
As of three weeks ago, turns out that it still isn't realistic, or probably won't be for another year.
We decided to take a long (one month?) break from talking to sort out our own lives.
I just threw in the towel after two weeks of writing letters to her in my journal almost every night.
Oh well. Didn't send her anything bad, just a semi-long message about how I was wondering how she was doing and while I understood if she didn't want to talk it made me feel better to have her know that I'm thinking about her, etc.
She responded and it looks like we're talking this weekend.
Who am I fucking kidding, my doctor was probably right.
About a month ago I went to a doctor here in Austin (first one since I moved here), and she had me tested for ADD/ADHD. The results were I have some degree of ADHD, as I have problems with memory, fidgeting, etc. She perscribed me medicine for it, but I have to go by the office to pick up a form for it, and haven't had time for it, so I haven't started the medicine yet.
After today, I've realized she's fucking right, there is something wrong with me, whether it's ADHD or something else, there's definitely something wrong with me. My entire life I've had nothing but these problems. I remember in elementary school, I would always take stupidly long on assignments I found to be difficult, teachers would get irritated at me, put marks on my "Uses time wisely" column, stay up late doing homework (this happened like 80% of the time for me in elementary school). I remember dropping out of advanced math classes in both middle school and high school just because I found them too hard, the homework too difficult, and I just couldn't grasp it.
Even in college I still had these problems, I couldn't do fucking calculus to save my life, I would try to do the homework, get frustrated and either half-ass it or stay up all night trying to figure it out, give up and go to sleep. Even some programming assignments gave me trouble, and usually the problem with them was my own stupiditiy, or my own forgetting something I did in my own fucking code. The same thing happened in the last two jobs. I would keep making stupid mistakes, that made me only take longer later trying to fix them, or I would think I was done, someone else would check, and I didn't do enough verification, so I fucked it up. That was basically why I lost this job.
All these years I haven't wanted to admit, and honestly I still don't want to. I don't want there to be something wrong with me, having depression is bad enough, and if I'm mentally deficient somehow, I'll never be able to hold down a good programming job. I'm a fucking joke.
About a month ago I went to a doctor here in Austin (first one since I moved here), and she had me tested for ADD/ADHD. The results were I have some degree of ADHD, as I have problems with memory, fidgeting, etc. She perscribed me medicine for it, but I have to go by the office to pick up a form for it, and haven't had time for it, so I haven't started the medicine yet.
After today, I've realized she's fucking right, there is something wrong with me, whether it's ADHD or something else, there's definitely something wrong with me. My entire life I've had nothing but these problems. I remember in elementary school, I would always take stupidly long on assignments I found to be difficult, teachers would get irritated at me, put marks on my "Uses time wisely" column, stay up late doing homework (this happened like 80% of the time for me in elementary school). I remember dropping out of advanced math classes in both middle school and high school just because I found them too hard, the homework too difficult, and I just couldn't grasp it.
Even in college I still had these problems, I couldn't do fucking calculus to save my life, I would try to do the homework, get frustrated and either half-ass it or stay up all night trying to figure it out, give up and go to sleep. Even some programming assignments gave me trouble, and usually the problem with them was my own stupiditiy, or my own forgetting something I did in my own fucking code. The same thing happened in the last two jobs. I would keep making stupid mistakes, that made me only take longer later trying to fix them, or I would think I was done, someone else would check, and I didn't do enough verification, so I fucked it up. That was basically why I lost this job.
All these years I haven't wanted to admit, and honestly I still don't want to. I don't want there to be something wrong with me, having depression is bad enough, and if I'm mentally deficient somehow, I'll never be able to hold down a good programming job. I'm a fucking joke.
chronic_archaic
Member
Going from excited to see my boyfriend and finally be in his arms to worrying about getting mugged on the bus or murdered by him in our sleep (he's maimed two of his plushies in his sleep before - would love to know if anyone has advice)
Either way sorta out of it.
Either way sorta out of it.
As far as I can tell, there truly is no normal, however many illusions of normalcy we may construct. At least when it comes to matters of personality, emotions and mental health. Perhaps in the societal context there is a "normal" if we are to understand "normal" as the status quo.
It sounds as though he offered you at least some genuine help ... yet you categorize it as a failure? Surely you see the leap you've taken there?
Regardless, I can assure you that the issues you had likely wouldn't be a problem with a different therapist. That attitude does sound very frustrating. I had a therapist once who spent a lot of time telling me things were getting better and I was doing fine and the such. I switched to another therapist after a couple of months and she ended up being wonderful.
Would your insurance cover your going to see a different therapist / psychologist currently? I would strongly encourage you to look into it.
Did you see my previous responses? Because I'm going to cover some similar ground here.
There's a massive leap you're making from "I have these struggles" to "these struggles are the entirety of what defines me and that entirety is thus a failure." I take issue with that conclusion, both because those struggles are not the entirety of what defines you and even if they were, which they're not, but even if they were I still wouldn't think of you as a failure!
You're having a very tough year-ish, let's say, due to some personal struggles. Yet from this small slice of time you've extrapolated outwards that all success you've ever had is void and meaningless and that there will be no future success of any sort.
I dispute that conclusion, as well. I hope that you can find a way to see beyond the red tint of self-hatred to not only work on the things that ail you - and you seem to have a clear idea of next steps forward, and if not we can give you suggestions - but also see what you already have that is very valuable.
What sort of bottom? Do you have any sense of what put you back there?
As long as you're here you may as well try to learn a thing or two, right?
Maimed? Like how?
<3
I feel like a lot if that would be easier if I stop concerning myself with the activities of others and focus more on myself. When you pay so much attention to other people, it often feels like their life is more interesting than yours because people only really talk about the highlights of their lives, and it gets worse when you neglect yourself. I'm trying to focus on myself so I don't feel subpar in comparison to other people. Feeling subar contributes a lot to my low mood.
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