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[Roberto Larcos]

Thanks in advance guys.

I'm gonna be blunt... Is this your first time doing this? Seriously?

If you like the girl, ask her out. Ideally within a week - honestly I tend to go even shorter and say three days (if you're talking a lot).

2 Reasons)

- No mixed signals. You seemed happy being her friend, and by not being open about your intentions earlier, honestly it makes you come off as slimy, as if all that shit before was fake.

- Strike while the iron's hot. Ask early, you won't even get near the 'friendzone', you won't have wasted time if she says no, and if you like her enough to actually be a friend, then you can still do that maybe.


One other piece of advice. Dates are for finding out about the person, not 'hang-out seshes' or whatever. Dates don't mark the start of a serious relationship, they're meant to be fun, not serious. You started off right in the red zone of seriousness. What sounds more appealing - get to know an interesting person over drinks / coffee, or jump head first into a serious relationship? If people are saying yes to number 2, you probably don't want to be dating them anyway.

 

[Jokab]

text

Take it from my experience, and everyone else in this thread for that matter, that meeting 7 times before declaring that you want to take it to a serious level is really not the way to go. The first or even the second date don't necessarily have to be super romantic, but make an effort to steer it towards romance as early as possible if that is what you want. Touch her, keep eye contact a bit longer than normal, perhaps some well-placed compliments (not "nice boobs"), hold hands, etc etc. If it's not dead clear from the get-go, you need to place a seed in her head that you want romance, if not even say it right out. What your hangouts amounted to was her seeing you as a friend, for you to then turn it around and want something serious. That pretty much never works out.

 

[GhostWriter24]

Met a super awesome girl on OKC, had first date Thurs and was amazing. Seeing her again tomorrow. Win!

 

[ZackieChan]

Take it from my experience, and everyone else in this thread for that matter, that meeting 7 times before declaring that you want to take it to a serious level is really not the way to go. The first or even the second date don't necessarily have to be super romantic, but make an effort to steer it towards romance as early as possible if that is what you want. Touch her, keep eye contact a bit longer than normal, perhaps some well-placed compliments (not "nice boobs"), hold hands, etc etc. If it's not dead clear from the get-go, you need to place a seed in her head that you want romance, if not even say it right out. What your hangouts amounted to was her seeing you as a friend, for you to then turn it around and want something serious. That pretty much never works out.

All great advice. I think that touching is one of the most important ways that you can show romantic interest. It should be casual and nonchalant - this might take practice. A touch on the shoulder when you or she say something funny. A hand on her hip when you at going up an escalator, etc. If they shy away, they are probably not romantically interested. Or it will take a long time to bring them around. Ain't no one got time for that.

 

[Quick]

So, I took part in speed dating a couple of days ago, and received a number of numbers and emails in the end. One of them is a girl I'm actually really interested in. She left me her email and I'm not sure how exactly to go about writing an email to her. I feel like I need to think this email through vs. texting. I tried to see if the email is tied to an iPhone, so it would be an iMessage at least, but it's not.

Any tips?

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

So, I took part in speed dating a couple of days ago, and received a number of numbers and emails in the end. One of them is a girl I'm actually really interested in. She left me her email and I'm not sure how exactly to go about writing an email to her. I feel like I need to think this email through vs. texting. I tried to see if the email is tied to an iPhone, so it would be an iMessage at least, but it's not.

Any tips?

Like this:

Hi Beth,

Great meeting you the other night. I really enjoyed talking about the mating habits of pandas with you. You're right: they really do have a species-wide death wish. Would love to see you again. What's your schedule like this coming week?

Best,
Quick

 

[Quick]

Like this:

Seems legit. I figured I should make it simple, but I wasn't sure if I should go that simple. I'll give it a shot. lol

 

[Oblivion]

- Strike while the iron's hot. Ask early, you won't even get near the 'friendzone', you won't have wasted time if she says no, and if you like her enough to actually be a friend, then you can still do that maybe.

You know, I always wondered if this "limited amount of time" before being friendzoned was an actual thing. If you meet someone and they like you immediately, it would seem rather odd that they would lose interest just because you took too long to ask them out.

 

[Liu Kang Baking A Pie]

You know, I always wondered if this "limited amount of time" before being friendzoned was an actual thing. If you meet someone and they like you immediately, it would seem rather odd that they would lose interest just because you took too long to ask them out.

People who say there's a limited amount of time before being friend zoned are just more into looking for a way to blame the other person for why they're dateless rather than just taking the L. Sometimes, a person just wasn't ever going to win anyway.

Dating is way more about timing than people want to admit. Sometimes people are only into you until someone else comes along. Sometimes people aren't available when you are. etc. We can't really help this sort of thing, so the best course is always just to go for it.

 

[eyeball_kid]

I'm curious to hear when everyone starts in with the flirty/naughty texts. After the first date, after you've had some type of intimate moment, or only after you've had sex?

 

[jadedm17]

I'm curious to hear when everyone starts in with the flirty/naughty texts. After the first date, after you've had some type of intimate moment, or only after you've had sex?

I sprinkle that sh## in with everyone the second I start talking or texting them, a lot of time not even discriminating sex even though I'm straight.

Based on your personality work it at your comfort.
I make me romantic interests known quick, be it flirty sexual texts, compliments, touching etc.

 

[eyeball_kid]

I sprinkle that sh## in with everyone the second I start talking or texting them, a lot of time not even discriminating sex even though I'm straight.

Based on your personality work it at your comfort.
I make me romantic interests known quick, be it flirty sexual texts, compliments, touching etc.

You just toss those out right away with anyone you meet? And some of them turn into serious relationships?

 

[Astral]

I'm a pretty good sexter. It completely failed with this one girl though. She just didn't give a fuck. If they don't at least have some fun with it then we're probably not compatible anyway.

 

[Roberto Larcos]

You know, I always wondered if this "limited amount of time" before being friendzoned was an actual thing. If you meet someone and they like you immediately, it would seem rather odd that they would lose interest just because you took too long to ask them out.

People who say there's a limited amount of time before being friend zoned are just more into looking for a way to blame the other person for why they're dateless rather than just taking the L. Sometimes, a person just wasn't ever going to win anyway.

I think it can definitely be a thing. Overplayed, and doesn't really mean what 15 year old boys think it means, bit still. It goes the other way, too. I have friends I wouldn't go on a date with - but if they asked me not long after we met, I'd have said 'yes' - with a 'what have I got to lose' motivation.

I'm a realist. I'm not all that good looking, so I try to rely on what little charm, humour and the like that I can muster. So it's not about making sure someone doesn't stop obsessing over me, it's about getting a date when someone is a bit interested in me, and going from there.

I've barely explained this, and what little I have, I have horribly. I'm working from experience - I've done far better since deciding just to ask a girl out early and find out what she's like over dates, than try to get a date after being a friend. Not weaseling my way into friendship, more discovering new feelings for a person. I know there are other factors at play here - confidence for example - but that ties in with not investing too much time. A 'no' from someone you really care about can mess you (and that friendship) up. A 'no' from a cute girl I've known for a couple days? Eh - plenty more fish.

I know as well as anyone that sometimes there's just no chemistry from 'hello', this isn't an 'excuse', just a reason not to faff about.

 

[Tablo]

Hypothetically if I ask a cute barista at a coffeeshop for her number, and hypothetically eventually I want to ask her out on a date...
Is it really bad that I don't have a car (nor license for that matter), but given this is bussable from my house (1hr~) to said coffeeshop (which she can't be far from I'm assuming), I could meet her near there etc/u get the idea?

=_= LA why u no have better public transit.
-_- Tablo y u gotta crush when u aint on campus. ah paying for dorms vs a car to avoid commute, questioning life choices time.

I guess worst case it comes to seeing how chill she might be about this, if not, well I tried.
#hypotheticals

 

[Zeyphersan]

You just toss those out right away with anyone you meet? And some of them turn into serious relationships?

You gotta read the room. How flirty is she being? If you make a double entendre, how does she react? It's so contextual it's going to be impossible to get advice here

If someone tells you day one and someone tells you after 3 dates, does that help?

I'm a pretty good sexter. It completely failed with this one girl though. She just didn't give a fuck. If they don't at least have some fun with it then we're probably not compatible anyway.

Sexting is an art, and I love it. Best use of phones imo

 

[Kopite]

I met this girl briefly a couple of months ago and we became friends on facebook. Didn't really spend too much time thinking of her, but I must admit that articles she's liked,shared or written on facebook have caught my eye and I think she's pretty smart and that we might connect well together. Since GAFfers here have been telling me to just go for it I think I'll probably shoot her a FB message and if it goes well I'll ask her out. Any tips on how to start a message to someone who you only know IRL for like 5 minutes? Should I just tell her I've read some stuff that she's shared that I like?

 

[Benzychenz]

Some tinder girl told me she's having a chill night with some netflix so I said I could chill at hers and she said maybe we should go out to see a movie because she lives in a caravan in her parents backyard and wouldn't want to put me in an awkward situation.

Huh...

 

[Max]

Some tinder girl told me she's having a chill night with some netflix so I said I could chill at hers and she said maybe we should go out to see a movie because she lives in a caravan in her parents backyard and wouldn't want to put me in an awkward situation.

Huh...

public theatre and chill

 

[Jokab]

public theatre and chill

 

[Shuggananas]

Some tinder girl told me she's having a chill night with some netflix so I said I could chill at hers and she said maybe we should go out to see a movie because she lives in a caravan in her parents backyard and wouldn't want to put me in an awkward situation.

Huh...

hold on to your kidneys breh

I met this girl briefly a couple of months ago and we became friends on facebook. Didn't really spend too much time thinking of her, but I must admit that articles she's liked,shared or written on facebook have caught my eye and I think she's pretty smart and that we might connect well together. Since GAFfers here have been telling me to just go for it I think I'll probably shoot her a FB message and if it goes well I'll ask her out. Any tips on how to start a message to someone who you only know IRL for like 5 minutes? Should I just tell her I've read some stuff that she's shared that I like?

"hey I liked X and Y you posted, how are you ?"
Just don't overthink it, your life's not on the line

 

[True Savior]

Quick question.

When you ask a girl for her number and she hesitates, but gives it to you anyway. Red flag or not?

I say it's a red flag for me, what about you guys? How would you perceive that?

Red flag to what ? Hesitancy can have many interpretations. Just ask her on a date instead. Way easier to understand.

I'm curious to hear when everyone starts in with the flirty/naughty texts. After the first date, after you've had some type of intimate moment, or only after you've had sex?

Depends a lot of the girl. I'm usually flirty /naughty with girls i dont intend to have a relationship. The ones i do , i avoid it completely (because i have zero idea about the reaction) until we are very intimate.

 

[kai3345]

So I just graduated college and am living with my parents while I look for a place of my own. Housing is tight in this city and it's been tough trying to find a place within my budget but also a reasonable distance from my job, so it's looking like I might be here for a while.

Anyone have any tips on dating while living with their folks? I know a year ago if someone told me they were living with their parents it would have been a huge red flag, so I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on avoiding those same flags being applied to me.

 

[gaiages]

^ You really can't avoid those red flags, unless you're caring for a sickly parent. It sounds mean, I know, but there's a huge stigma in this country that living with your parents = you're a layabout and lazy, no matter if the reason is justified or not (which it clearly is in your case). Obviously not everyone is going to feel the same way, and the younger you are the more acceptable it is, but if you're going out into the dating world now you'll have to deal with the fact that there are a lot of shallow people that will deny a date/relationship with you simply because of your current living arrangement. Then again, if they're judging your whole worth solely on where you live, that doesn't seem like a good person to date, anyway

 

[Zeyphersan]

So I just graduated college and am living with my parents while I look for a place of my own. Housing is tight in this city and it's been tough trying to find a place within my budget but also a reasonable distance from my job, so it's looking like I might be here for a while.

Anyone have any tips on dating while living with their folks? I know a year ago if someone told me they were living with their parents it would have been a huge red flag, so I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on avoiding those same flags being applied to me.

tbh I'm in that EXACT same situation. It's probably a bigger mental hurdle for us who are living with our parents than it is for anyone else when we tell them, but it still sucks. I know this doesn't help you at all, but my solution is to just not date until I've found a place on my own

And to be totally frank, telling someone you live with your parents isn't nearly as bad as either A) having to avoid going back to your house at all because of your parents, or B) going back to your house to hang out and your parents are there. The whole thing feels waaaaaay too high school, so I just ducked out

 

[eyeball_kid]

Hypothetically if I ask a cute barista at a coffeeshop for her number, and hypothetically eventually I want to ask her out on a date...
Is it really bad that I don't have a car (nor license for that matter), but given this is bussable from my house (1hr~) to said coffeeshop (which she can't be far from I'm assuming), I could meet her near there etc/u get the idea?

No car and you're an hour away from this woman? youarealreadydead.gif

Listen, a car in LA is like a good suit: every man needs one. But here's my idea. Do you have a bike? If not, get yourself a bike. Look, city buses are not sexy. They will never be sexy. Trains and subways are slightly more sexy, but LA doesn't have many of those. So get yourself a bike. A decent bike, don't cheap out. Bikes in LA are sexy. Way more sexy than buses and trains. Because it shows that you're healthy, you like a bit of danger, and you're a bit of a freewheeling non-car rebel. And don't wear any of that spandex stuff, unless she seems really into fitness or you're really well-endowed. So ride over there on your bike. You'll be a bit hot when you get there, and you can comment on your bike ride when you talk to her. Maybe she also has a bike. If so, great, you now have a lead-in to a date. If not, you'll still have established that though you may not have a car, at least you're not riding the damn bus. Ask her out. If the bike date doesn't pan out, save up some funds for an Uber. And then get yourself a goddamn car my man. Good luck.

 

[Tablo]

Thanks for the reality check.
Yeah might think about a bike, and yes I do need a car dammit.

 

[Benzychenz]

hold on to your kidneys breh

Haha yeah, I thought maybe I could invite her to mine but I don't think I want her to know my address >_>

 

[jey_16]

right GAF, so the girl that i was messaging 2 months ago, met up with and then just vanished has returned.

she messaged me out of blue a week ago and basically acted like nothing had happened, she said she would be in town in 2 weeks (i.e. the upcoming weekend) and said we should catch up

since then, she has not contacted me and i have not reached out to her. mind you, when we were originally in contact it was always me initiating the conversation (she never messaged first) and even though things were good, it kind of annoyed me that she never initiated but based on what i have been told, some girls are like this

this time though, i thought i would leave it and see if anything had changed but clearly it hasnt. so whats my play here? should i message her, wait a few more days or just do nothing?

bit confused since i have never been in a situation like this

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

right GAF, so the girl that i was messaging 2 months ago, met up with and then just vanished has returned.

she messaged me out of blue a week ago and basically acted like nothing had happened, she said she would be in town in 2 weeks (i.e. the upcoming weekend) and said we should catch up

since then, she has not contacted me and i have not reached out to her. mind you, when we were originally in contact it was always me initiating the conversation (she never messaged first) and even though things were good, it kind of annoyed me that she never initiated but based on what i have been told, some girls are like this

this time though, i thought i would leave it and see if anything had changed but clearly it hasnt. so whats my play here? should i message her, wait a few more days or just do nothing?

bit confused since i have never been in a situation like this

I would move on. Seems like she just wants attention and whoever was giving it to her before is gone now so she came back like nothing happened. She decided to end it months ago, keep it like that.

 

[Zaphrynn]

right GAF, so the girl that i was messaging 2 months ago, met up with and then just vanished has returned.

she messaged me out of blue a week ago and basically acted like nothing had happened, she said she would be in town in 2 weeks (i.e. the upcoming weekend) and said we should catch up

since then, she has not contacted me and i have not reached out to her. mind you, when we were originally in contact it was always me initiating the conversation (she never messaged first) and even though things were good, it kind of annoyed me that she never initiated but based on what i have been told, some girls are like this

this time though, i thought i would leave it and see if anything had changed but clearly it hasnt. so whats my play here? should i message her, wait a few more days or just do nothing?

bit confused since i have never been in a situation like this

I would either ignore it or tell her you're not interested. It's never fun being the only person trying to make contact, and then wondering when(not if) they're gonna drop off the face of the earth again. I wouldn't be surprised if she ditches plans last minute anyways, especially if something more "interesting" pops up.

Invest your time in yourself or people who give a damn.

 

[1871]

I sprinkle that sh## in with everyone the second I start talking or texting them, a lot of time not even discriminating sex even though I'm straight.

What?
You get flirty with people you're not interested in, and with people whose gender you're not attracted to?

 

[Shuggananas]

What?
You get flirty with people you're not interested in, and with people whose gender you're not attracted to?

yeah that's weird lol

 

[Deleted member 529084]

Well, I'm "dating" again...and it's normal!

But I am having a hang up.

She's cute, sweet, fun etc.. I mean she's Ms. Perfect...
But I think after coming out of my cluster fuck of dysfunction and dysfunctional sex my libido is in the toilet.
Normal isn't "exciting" me?

First, no uptight bullshit at dinner. She didn't poke at a salad but killed some chesse fries and a beer and made me laugh the whole time.
She took me too a couple bars and she's a bit of a loved socialite in the scene so it's was laughs and introductions all night.. a guy with his name tattooed across his head explained how he would crush me if I hurt her lol
We crashed a wedding party..
We went to a bar arcade and tore up some NeoGeo (Metal Slug!)

She held onto me all night, kept exclaiming how into me she was. I told her I was lucky, which honestly I am and she said "I chose you, I'm the lucky one" Not used to hearing nice things to be honest.

But when we got back to her house my sexual interest wasnt really their.
After months of dates consisted of frustrating and degradation which lead to the intimacy consisting very rough stuff against her...normal is hard for me.
I grabbed her throat and she looked shocked, told me if I did it again she'd punch me lol

She already told me if I walk away she'll never talk to me again. After the month of trying to win me over from Ms. Crazy she said it's now or never.
Seems like I could get it out of my system over time but she isn't into waiting any longer.
Going from a broken sex kitten to normal supportive loving girl is a jolt to the system Im not used too.

Think I may fuck this up because of whats resonates of my past relationship.

 

[eyeball_kid]

But when we got back to her house my sexual interest wasnt really their.
After months of dates consisted of frustrating and degradation which lead to the intimacy consisting very rough stuff against her...normal is hard for me.
I grabbed her throat and she looked shocked, told me if I did it again she'd punch me lol

I don't know your backstory, but it sounds like you're channeling your anger through sex due to your past relationship(s). Was this the first time you and this new woman were intimate? You're going to have to somehow make yourself vulnerable again if you want to be with this woman, to be in the moment with her and accept that what she's giving you is genuine. And maybe it would help to talk to a professional and work through some of these issues. Grabbing someone's throat out of the blue is not cool unless rough/kinky intentions have been communicated, and you'll probably push away this woman if you continue to be aggressive like that because you're scared to get close.

 

[Roberto Larcos]

Well, I'm "dating" again...and it's normal!

But I am having a hang up.

She's cute, sweet, fun etc.. I mean she's Ms. Perfect...
But I think after coming out of my cluster fuck of dysfunction and dysfunctional sex my libido is in the toilet.
Normal isn't "exciting" me?

First, no uptight bullshit at dinner. She didn't poke at a salad but killed some chesse fries and a beer and made me laugh the whole time.
She took me too a couple bars and she's a bit of a loved socialite in the scene so it's was laughs and introductions all night.. a guy with his name tattooed across his head explained how he would crush me if I hurt her lol
We crashed a wedding party..
We went to a bar arcade and tore up some NeoGeo (Metal Slug!)

She held onto me all night, kept exclaiming how into me she was. I told her I was lucky, which honestly I am and she said "I chose you, I'm the lucky one" Not used to hearing nice things to be honest.

But when we got back to her house my sexual interest wasnt really their.
After months of dates consisted of frustrating and degradation which lead to the intimacy consisting very rough stuff against her...normal is hard for me.
I grabbed her throat and she looked shocked, told me if I did it again she'd punch me lol

She already told me if I walk away she'll never talk to me again. After the month of trying to win me over from Ms. Crazy she said it's now or never.
Seems like I could get it out of my system over time but she isn't into waiting any longer.
Going from a broken sex kitten to normal supportive loving girl is a jolt to the system Im not used too.

Think I may fuck this up because of whats resonates of my past relationship.

I'm gonna suggest therapy.

 

[ZackieChan]

I'm gonna suggest therapy.

Also, maybe don't jump right back into dating after such an emotionally-draining relationship. You need to recalibrate yourself. Right now you're at full craziness. Spend time with your son, your friends, and your family. Discover "normal" again, then you'll be better prepared for a normal relationship.

 

[CitizenVectron]

Brief history for those unaware: We've been friends for 5 years, and have worked together for that time. We started dating in January, and she was diagnosed with MS in July.

We might be breaking up, and I need to talk, and want advice (but serious advice, not judgements on either of us).

She makes me happier than anyone I've ever known, and I make her happy too. We are relaxed around each other, we still love spending time with each other after work (we work in the same room 4 days a week), and can talk about anything with each other. We've basically also become best friends. But lately the problem has been that we expect different things out of the relationship, and this morning we were on the verge of breaking up, and she left the relationship in my hands.

The issue is that I am a busy person. I spend 2 nights per week at dance practice, and 1 with my friends. Of the remaining 4 days, it's not uncommon for me to have something take up 1 more of them if it pops up (another dance event, a political event, etc). So usually we spend 3-4 nights per week together. However, I also need time to myself. I've always been an independent person, and I get overwhelmed if I am around people all the time, so I need a night alone (or a few hours per week spread out) where I can just play games, play guitar, etc, and not interact with anyone else. Basically to be alone with my thoughts and decompress. I've always been like this and if I don't have this time then I start to shut down, almost like a panic attack.

She doesn't understand this, and feels like I am wanting time away from her, when that's not it at all. I've explained it to her, but she feels hurt that I prefer to spend some free time alone rather than with her. In an average week I will spend the night at her place on tuesday, thursday, sunday, and either friday or saturday depending on my time with friends. We might do something together with our friends on one of those nights, but usually we have at least 2 nights alone per week where it's just us hanging out and watching movies, or playing a board or card game, etc, and another night or two where we spend time together hanging out with her friends or mine. She feels hurt though that I don't try to spend more time with her alone, especially when I choose to spend some time alone with myself (usually after practice on mondays and wednesdays, I stay home and play games or guitar, and stay at my place for the night).

I'll also give another example of why she feels frustrated. This past week my friend sent me an email and asked if I wanted to come over next Saturday (the 12th) to play a big board game, it would take a few hours at least. So I asked my gf if we had any plans that night, or anything she would rather do. When she said no, I agreed to the game with my friend. In my mind I was being nice and cleared it with her, but in her mind I was putting my schedule first by choosing to make plans with my friend, and then spending whatever time I had left over (friday and most of the sunday) with her, rather than making plans with her first and then trying to fit my friend in. She felt like I was favouring my friends over her. I didn't intend it that way at all, and this morning she felt like our entire relationship revolves around my schedule instead of hers, and I just assume she is free whenever I want to hang out. In my mind I don't feel that way at all.

We both agreed that we have different personality styles and we might not be compatible if she is wanting much more time with me, and I am unable to give that time to her, especially if I also need some time alone for myself to stay mentally healthy.

The complicating factor is that she was just diagnosed with MS. There is a very real chance that if we break up, she will never find someone else to be with because of the illness, and someone not wanting to start a relationship with her. It looks likely that she could lose her driver's license soon because of the visual effects of the illness, and though modern medicine has advanced, there is an even chance she will be in a wheelchair or at least using a walker/cane by age 55-65, and partially disabled before then. She may also need to quit her job and go on disability for the rest of her life, which means very little retirement savings, a low fixed income until she is 65, etc. Her best friend is amazing and will help her out as much as she can (they already live together), but she is moving away to do her PHD next year and might never return.

I imagined us spending our lives together and was making plans in my head, and then MS came and took all those plans away. We can't really travel, going out is more difficult due to diet changes, and she will probably feel fatigued every day for the rest of her life, which means less energy for doing things. We also won't have kids, though we were leaning toward that anyway. But even so, we'd be together and I'd be there to help her, even though many people tell me that I'm naive, and that being someone's caregiver can be a horrible thing in the long-term, mentally. But if we break up, she might never have anyone to fill that role. I can't stand the thought of abandoning her.

Right now I'm crying because it's unfair and there's nothing I can do to help her MS, it's incurable. But I also don't want to stay with her just because she has MS (and I know she doesn't want that either, to be with someone because of pity). But leaving her alone a few months after diagnosis would make me cruel, in my mind.

I don't know what to do. Logically it seems like we have different expectations of what our relationship should be (Though I love spending as much time with her as possible, I am fine if we occasionally see each other only once or twice a week if we're both temporarily busy, but she is not). Basically I think she just needs more attention and time than I can give, or that I need.

Any advice is appreciated, I'm feeling lost.

 

[MonorailCat]

Well, I'm "dating" again...and it's normal!

But I am having a hang up.

She's cute, sweet, fun etc.. I mean she's Ms. Perfect...
But I think after coming out of my cluster fuck of dysfunction and dysfunctional sex my libido is in the toilet.
Normal isn't "exciting" me?

First, no uptight bullshit at dinner. She didn't poke at a salad but killed some chesse fries and a beer and made me laugh the whole time.
She took me too a couple bars and she's a bit of a loved socialite in the scene so it's was laughs and introductions all night.. a guy with his name tattooed across his head explained how he would crush me if I hurt her lol
We crashed a wedding party..
We went to a bar arcade and tore up some NeoGeo (Metal Slug!)

She held onto me all night, kept exclaiming how into me she was. I told her I was lucky, which honestly I am and she said "I chose you, I'm the lucky one" Not used to hearing nice things to be honest.

But when we got back to her house my sexual interest wasnt really their.
After months of dates consisted of frustrating and degradation which lead to the intimacy consisting very rough stuff against her...normal is hard for me.
I grabbed her throat and she looked shocked, told me if I did it again she'd punch me lol

She already told me if I walk away she'll never talk to me again. After the month of trying to win me over from Ms. Crazy she said it's now or never.
Seems like I could get it out of my system over time but she isn't into waiting any longer.
Going from a broken sex kitten to normal supportive loving girl is a jolt to the system Im not used too.

Think I may fuck this up because of whats resonates of my past relationship.

For gods sake man, take a break from dating for a while. Be alone for a while to figure out who you are and what you want.

 

[HabeeNo]

Didn't want to create a thread for it since it mighy be a silly question but imma ask here. How important is for a guy to be able to drive when trying to get in a relationship/maintaining a relationship?

Some background: I'm 21, and have 0 interest in driving because I'm partially scared and can get to places I need by bus (live right by NYC.)

Now back to the question: usually couples go places, or do activities that are not restricted to just chilling in each other's house or what not. When a guy doesn't drive, it's either up to the girl to always be the driver, or the couple would both have to take the bus. Are guys looked down when they are not able to drive?

If I articulated the question/my points badly, just lmk, and the reason why I ask this is a mix of curiosity and self doubt when looking to date someone because I can't drive.

 

[Gray Matter]

Didn't want to create a thread for it since it mighy be a silly question but imma ask here. How important is for a guy to be able to drive when trying to get in a relationship/maintaining a relationship?

Some background: I'm 21, and have 0 interest in driving because I'm partially scared and can get to places I need by bus (live right by NYC.)

Now back to the question: usually couples go places, or do activities that are not restricted to just chilling in each other's house or what not. When a guy doesn't drive, it's either up to the girl to always be the driver, or the couple would both have to take the bus. Are guys looked down when they are not able to drive?

If I articulated the question/my points badly, just lmk, and the reason why I ask this is a mix of curiosity and self doubt when looking to date someone because I can't drive.

In your case I wouldn't see this as a problem because you live around a city with a prominent public transportation system, even if you did drive it would be a hassle driving in/around NYC IMO.

 

[MisterRoboto]

Didn't want to create a thread for it since it mighy be a silly question but imma ask here. How important is for a guy to be able to drive when trying to get in a relationship/maintaining a relationship?

Some background: I'm 21, and have 0 interest in driving because I'm partially scared and can get to places I need by bus (live right by NYC.)

Now back to the question: usually couples go places, or do activities that are not restricted to just chilling in each other's house or what not. When a guy doesn't drive, it's either up to the girl to always be the driver, or the couple would both have to take the bus. Are guys looked down when they are not able to drive?

If I articulated the question/my points badly, just lmk, and the reason why I ask this is a mix of curiosity and self doubt when looking to date someone because I can't drive.

I would say being able to drive has it's perks when it comes to dating and not driving can make it more difficult. However, if you met someone you liked you shouldn't give up just because you don't drive. I personally wouldn't take a date on a bus with me but you could always arrange to meet somewhere.

Edit - I don't live in a city area so like ^ they said, it may not be a problem for you, unless you're going outside the city of course.

 

[n64coder]

The complicating factor is that she was just diagnosed with MS. There is a very real chance that if we break up, she will never find someone else to be with because of the illness, and someone not wanting to start a relationship with her. It looks likely that she could lose her driver's license soon because of the visual effects of the illness, and though modern medicine has advanced, there is an even chance she will be in a wheelchair or at least using a walker/cane by age 55-65, and partially disabled before then. She may also need to quit her job and go on disability for the rest of her life, which means very little retirement savings, a low fixed income until she is 65, etc. Her best friend is amazing and will help her out as much as she can (they already live together), but she is moving away to do her PHD next year and might never return.

That sucks that she has MS and I hope that medicine will make enough advances to make it curable or give her a better life.

My only comment is on the dating front. I have a relative who is in his 50s and has MS. He divorced a few years ago but still leads a very active social life and has a steady girlfriend. It helps that he's a very handsome and likable guy so don't think that if you leave her, she'll never go on a date again.

I do think that she should give you more space in the relationship. It's good to spend time apart so that you have something to talk about when you're together again.

 

[Zaphrynn]

*snip*

Any advice is appreciated, I'm feeling lost.

It sounds like both of you must decide on what you need in life, and decide on what you're ok changing to be together. You and your girlfriend sound A LOT like my boyfriend and I when our relationship was pretty new. We were even friends for seven years before-hand(online friends, granted). I often felt like his friends were more important than my feelings, that his plans and time were more important, and that him needing alone time meant he just didn't like being with me much.

I was wrong, of course. So what fixed things? First, talking and really listening to what the other person says. If you want to "fix" the relationship, bouncing back with a retort is just going to make the other person feel like you don't care what she's feeling. You can tell her how you feel when it's your turn to speak. A discussion riddled with interruptions and defenses isn't going to get as far as a discussion where both of you listen to what the other person has to say.

If she's telling you that she doesn't feel like you get enough time together, listen, and think on it. Could you drop an activity one night? Or tell your friends you're going to be unavailable one week? I don't mean you should give up all your free time, just that you should think about these things and if there's anything you're ok changing or shifting around if it'll make her feel loved.

She also needs to understand that you really need your alone time, and that it doesn't mean you don't want to be around her. She basically needs to trust your words here, but you could probably do some small things during your alone time to convey that you love and care about her. I'd suggest writing her an e-mail or letter, or you could write/record her a song since you play guitar. It shows that even when you need to be apart, you're thinking about her in a way that shows effort. It doesn't need to take up much of your time.

I'll also give another example of why she feels frustrated. This past week my friend sent me an email and asked if I wanted to come over next Saturday (the 12th) to play a big board game, it would take a few hours at least. So I asked my gf if we had any plans that night, or anything she would rather do. When she said no, I agreed to the game with my friend. In my mind I was being nice and cleared it with her, but in her mind I was putting my schedule first by choosing to make plans with my friend, and then spending whatever time I had left over (friday and most of the sunday) with her, rather than making plans with her first and then trying to fit my friend in. She felt like I was favouring my friends over her. I didn't intend it that way at all, and this morning she felt like our entire relationship revolves around my schedule instead of hers, and I just assume she is free whenever I want to hang out. In my mind I don't feel that way at all.

She REALLY needs to change this mindset. You asked if you two had plans and if there was anything she'd rather do. Are you supposed to do nothing when she answers "no" to both these questions? That just seems unfair. She is possibly so caught up on the fact that she doesn't feel like you two get enough time together, that doing anything without her is viewed with hostility.

To summarize: you both need to balance your time with each other better. It may be that it just can't work out, but it sounds like you'd like to try. And it can be worth the effort. I've been with my boyfriend a year and a half. Through communication and both of us working on ourselves, things have never been better. It took both of us going out of our comfort zone and adjusting to new things, but hey, it worked. I think it made me a better person in the long run, too. I'm not even sure the last time I fought with him.

To address the MS: That really sucks. I don't know much about the disease, but it sounds harsh. Try not to let it affect your decision to break up or not. If you DO decide to break up, try and let that part of the guilt go. There's nothing you can do about it, and as you already said, neither of you would want to stay together just because of that.

If you do stay together, then I'm sure with the right mindset it'll be something you can deal with together. Considering how life-changing and seemingly inevitable the affects of MS are, her seeing a psychologist in the future might not be a bad idea(and sometimes seeing the psychologist together). I'm thinking way ahead here though, haha.

Good luck.

 

[Night Hunter]

Just wanted to leave a quick post in here:

Asked a girl out
Got turned down
We're both okay with it although we see each other quite often

I've had problems with each one of those steps before, so I kinda consider this a small win.

 

[Do Better]

Sometimes, a person just wasn't ever going to win anyway.

Dating is way more about timing than people want to admit. Sometimes people are only into you until someone else comes along. Sometimes people aren't available when you are. etc. We can't really help this sort of thing, so the best course is always just to go for it.

Damn, this really sums up what I just went through. I fought hard to not take an L I thought I had set into motion, but the truth was there wasn't anything I could have done. So, I finally accepted that it's a wrap, at least for now.

 

[gaiages]

.

I mean, if she doesn't understand you need free time, and even after you two talking about it, and trying to work things out, it'll probably be better to split up. Like, she even got upset that you tried to clear something with her, saying that no, you guys had no plans, but got mad are you anyway for doing something else? That's too much, and getting mad at you after her saying no is getting into manipulative territory. Again, I'm sure she's not exactly emotionally solid after the MS diagnosis, but she has to understand that you're a person with needs and things to do, not her personal emotional blanket she can pull out at any time. Since, even after you two talking about it, she doesn't seem to want to consider your feelings on this, it'd probably be better if you two break up, even though it'll be painful. Better now than to let this continue and begin to resent her.

Didn't want to create a thread for it since it mighy be a silly question but imma ask here. How important is for a guy to be able to drive when trying to get in a relationship/maintaining a relationship?

Since you live in/near NYC, it's really not a big deal, as public transportation is typically easier to handle than driving (and parking!) on those crowded streets anyway. If you were in a smaller town, it'd be more important though... less because of being able/unable to get anywhere, but more of a perception reasons though. My bf said that he lost many chances at dates on OKC simply because he didn't have his own car. Which I think is silly (obviously, since I went on a date with him), but that's just how some people are.

 

[Gotdatmoney]

Didn't want to create a thread for it since it mighy be a silly question but imma ask here. How important is for a guy to be able to drive when trying to get in a relationship/maintaining a relationship?

Some background: I'm 21, and have 0 interest in driving because I'm partially scared and can get to places I need by bus (live right by NYC.)

Now back to the question: usually couples go places, or do activities that are not restricted to just chilling in each other's house or what not. When a guy doesn't drive, it's either up to the girl to always be the driver, or the couple would both have to take the bus. Are guys looked down when they are not able to drive?

If I articulated the question/my points badly, just lmk, and the reason why I ask this is a mix of curiosity and self doubt when looking to date someone because I can't drive.

If you live in a city with good public transit this isn't an issue. If you don't have public transit where you live then it will be a problem. Also at 21 in NYC I doubt a vehicle is even financially feasible.

 

[MisterRoboto]

Any advice is appreciated, I'm feeling lost.

I was diagnosed with MS a few years back and I'm 25. I won't lie when I say that bringing my condition up with a woman is probably the hardest thing to do. I even asked for advice on here about it. I'm currently seeing someone but I still haven't told her I have it (it's only been 3 dates) and I'm kind of dreading that =\. I think most of us that do get diagnosed kind of expect people to be turned away. It's sucks but you learn to live with it.

It seems from what you wrote that the reasons you would break up have nothing to do with her condition, which is fine. My question to you is, yes, there are the compatibility issues but would you be more willing to address them and try to work it out if she didn't have MS? I know her condition is always going to be at the back of your mind but I think, if she is like me, she would just want to be treated like normal.

Also, you seem to care for her a lot and you were friends before you dated so just because you break up it doesn't mean you have to abandon her.

 

[Lone_Prodigy]

.

I kind of agree with Zaphrynn that some compromise may be required. You're busy but you also need alone time. That's understandable. But I take issue with your belief that you're already spending so much time with her. If you intend to stay together and eventually get married, you'd basically be together all the time. Can't your "alone time" be spent near her? Maybe you're in one room playing guitar when she's in another watching TV? Maybe you can cut out a hobby?

Definitely communicate with her about your boundaries and time spent together. She has to be okay with spending time apart and you have to be okay with spending time with her without keeping count.