Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.

Status
Not open for further replies.
Well I have a bit of an issue with a girl who I want to date, but I know it won't happen. She knows I like her, but unfortunately she doesn't feel the same, but I'm fine with that. I'm a big boy, I can get over it.
Sorry for my long vent/rant/idk post.
Geez you went way too far down the friend zone imo, this "friendship" will mess you up even harder if you keep on going
 
Quick bit of advice needed for someone.

So say you're messaging a guy, he says he's busy and they'll message over the weekend but then initiates messaging again himself later that night.

I'm going with that means he's into her, but it never hurts to get a wider opinion.

That sounds like someone reading into every little thing. Tell them to lighten up a bit.
 
Worst part is that we make mean spirited jokes with each other all the time, but nothing even close to this.

Mean spirited jokes walk a fine line. I have a female friend who I tend to teasr all the time and she shoots back. Its a fun dynamic but it works because we know there are limits to things. The whole "well we always joke around so I didnt think it would be a big deal" is just dodging bullshit.

What she did was not a joke, what she did was play off the fact that you like her to humiliate you in front of your friend. She actively tried to make you feel like shit. That is mean spirited but no part of that shit actually contains the elements of a joke.

When it was obvious you and your friend did not find it funny she didn't back down. She pushed harder forced the whole ordeal into you literally degrading yourself to not seem like an obsessed person.

Honestly, if someone who I liked enough to still have a friendship with did that to me I would tell them to get fucked. You need to stand up for yourself and end that friendship. I know you won't want to be if you never defend yourself or stand up for yourself people will treat you like shit and it'll become harder and harder to break the cycle.
 
I never said anything about facebook. I'm sayimg in the wprld of online datimg if aomeone takes days to respond 9/10 its because they are not interested. We can play this game but come on, you all know as well as I do that girl is a lost cause for this dude.

Like I said, the dude text her twice. If she wanted to respond, a day or two is fine, 4 days? Who are yall kidding here.

Well , he said he exchanged facebook messages with her.

I'm not disagreeing with you about the probabilities. But people shouldn't be dogmatic in how they behave in social interactions . There's circumstances that might explain sudden changes . Even in online dating if a girl is bombed with messages and after a while she stops messaging you , its not like your bad first impression on her is some definitive scenario.
 
Well I have a bit of an issue with a girl who I want to date, but I know it won't happen. She knows I like her, but unfortunately she doesn't feel the same, but I'm fine with that. I'm a big boy, I can get over it.

Anyway, to the story. She wanted to spend some time with me today because we generally love hanging out and talking with one another. As a whole the day went by great, we enjoyed each others company as usual. Drove all around town laughing and having fun. Somewhere during this I get a text from a mutual friend of ours, one that I've known for a lot longer than her. We decide to pick him up because more people is always fun. We end up talking even more, to the point where the guy mentions a story about how a girl he liked was pretty much taken from him by another guy whom he thought was his friend, it was a shitty situation all around.

After the story she asks us how we would react if one of us liked a certain girl, but the girl liked the other one instead. This obviously put a few alarms off in my head, but I kind of brush it off. We both say it's fine as long as the other is cool with it. A few minutes later after that she mentions to me how she loves how kind and nice I am, but that she likes somebody else. Which in all honesty is nothing new to me. Like I said before. I know she doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about her, I can't force somebody to love me, so whatever. Then we have to get ready to say our separate ways.

Since we're all riding in one car this makes what happens that much worse. We're talking about the former situation, when out of nowhere, she asks my friend that she and him should go out on a date. Stunned, the both of us can only really sit there with our mouths open. I kind of look at her and ask about the person she liked, and she mouths "It's him", meaning my friend in the backseat. She then asks again if they can go on a date. Since this same exact situation happened to him, and since he knows full well that I really like this girl, he can only say "I...I don't think I can do that...". She then says that of course he can and asks for his phone number. Me and him are both still shocked. While she goes on and asks if anybody is going to answer her question about the date. I only let out a "Go ahead man...you should do it." Eventually she gets his number and we get to where we needed to drop him off. Before he gets out, she looks directly at me and asks him for a hug...And obviously feeling terrible about the situation he nervously laughs it off. Then once he gets out, she opens her door, looks at me again, and then goes to hug him, and she gets back in since she's my ride home...

A couple of minutes down the road she asks me if she thinks it would work out and asks me to text him for her, while she watches to make sure I send what she wants. A little further down the road she notices that I'm pretty quiet and not really looking at her. Then all of a sudden it all dawns on her what she just did. She tells me that she's sorry and that it was nothing more than a joke to mess with me and that she was never serious about any of it, even texting him telling him the same, but at that point I was out of it and couldn't really believe what she was saying. We stop outside my house and she apologizes repeatedly, tells me again that it was a joke, and just doesn't really make things any better. She refuses to let me leave her car, she hugs on to me for a solid minute and tells me that I can't leave until I promise her that I won't tell my friend that I think she likes him. At this point I'm honestly kind of shaken to the point that I can't really say complete sentences, but I try to tell her that if she likes him then don't let me and my feelings get in the way, She absolutely refuses and tells me that I shouldn't blame myself and that if she were serious she would've gone after him from the beginning and that she would never want to hurt me since I'm a friend who always supports her. I can't really accept it as a prank, but I tell her that I'll try to promise her, but I can't guarantee anything.

She calls me not 2 minutes later to continue to say the same thing and try to reassure me that nobody will date anybody, and how she would never want to lose me as a friend for something like that. I don't really remember what I told her. I did text my friend about it and he says that he would never date her in a situation like that, and that we both understand it's a joke, but I honestly don't really feel as if she was joking in the beginning, and that she's just doing this to spare my feelings, as late an effort as that is at this point. She does plan on talking with me about it as soon as she can.

I don't really know if this fits in the thread, but I'm seriously kind of out of it by this whole situation and I just feel like sharing the story will help get some perspective from others and help me settle down a bit even if I do know I'll get over it, it still hurts.

Sorry for my long vent/rant/idk post.

1) You are her plaything. If she doesn't care about the game, then she purposely played with your feelings 'as a joke'

2) Or, she actually likes the guy, and approached it in the way that would put you on the spot and hurt you the most

So yeah, shrug. Some 'friend'
 
Well , he said he exchanged facebook messages with her.

I'm not disagreeing with you about the probabilities. But people shouldn't be dogmatic in how they behave in social interactions . There's circumstances that might explain sudden changes . Even in online dating if a girl is bombed with messages and after a while she stops messaging you , its not like your bad first impression on her is some definitive scenario.

If they were still talking on fb then my bad.

I understamd that there is no set rule with messaging in society. I am more saying, that if someone goes ghost on you, its normally fair to.assume they lost interest. Online dating itself and stuff like tinder is shallow from its initial starting point, if the first impression is bad it does colour the whole percrption.

If someone does not text me back after 2 messages within 5 days I write it off regardless of whether its a friend or a romantic interest. I can't have a conversation with myself. If they want to talk they will come to you.
 
Well I have a bit of an issue with a girl who I want to date, but I know it won't happen. She knows I like her, but unfortunately she doesn't feel the same, but I'm fine with that. I'm a big boy, I can get over it.

Anyway, to the story. She wanted to spend some time with me today because we generally love hanging out and talking with one another. As a whole the day went by great, we enjoyed each others company as usual. Drove all around town laughing and having fun. Somewhere during this I get a text from a mutual friend of ours, one that I've known for a lot longer than her. We decide to pick him up because more people is always fun. We end up talking even more, to the point where the guy mentions a story about how a girl he liked was pretty much taken from him by another guy whom he thought was his friend, it was a shitty situation all around.

After the story she asks us how we would react if one of us liked a certain girl, but the girl liked the other one instead. This obviously put a few alarms off in my head, but I kind of brush it off. We both say it's fine as long as the other is cool with it. A few minutes later after that she mentions to me how she loves how kind and nice I am, but that she likes somebody else. Which in all honesty is nothing new to me. Like I said before. I know she doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about her, I can't force somebody to love me, so whatever. Then we have to get ready to say our separate ways.

Since we're all riding in one car this makes what happens that much worse. We're talking about the former situation, when out of nowhere, she asks my friend that she and him should go out on a date. Stunned, the both of us can only really sit there with our mouths open. I kind of look at her and ask about the person she liked, and she mouths "It's him", meaning my friend in the backseat. She then asks again if they can go on a date. Since this same exact situation happened to him, and since he knows full well that I really like this girl, he can only say "I...I don't think I can do that...". She then says that of course he can and asks for his phone number. Me and him are both still shocked. While she goes on and asks if anybody is going to answer her question about the date. I only let out a "Go ahead man...you should do it." Eventually she gets his number and we get to where we needed to drop him off. Before he gets out, she looks directly at me and asks him for a hug...And obviously feeling terrible about the situation he nervously laughs it off. Then once he gets out, she opens her door, looks at me again, and then goes to hug him, and she gets back in since she's my ride home...

A couple of minutes down the road she asks me if she thinks it would work out and asks me to text him for her, while she watches to make sure I send what she wants. A little further down the road she notices that I'm pretty quiet and not really looking at her. Then all of a sudden it all dawns on her what she just did. She tells me that she's sorry and that it was nothing more than a joke to mess with me and that she was never serious about any of it, even texting him telling him the same, but at that point I was out of it and couldn't really believe what she was saying. We stop outside my house and she apologizes repeatedly, tells me again that it was a joke, and just doesn't really make things any better. She refuses to let me leave her car, she hugs on to me for a solid minute and tells me that I can't leave until I promise her that I won't tell my friend that I think she likes him. At this point I'm honestly kind of shaken to the point that I can't really say complete sentences, but I try to tell her that if she likes him then don't let me and my feelings get in the way, She absolutely refuses and tells me that I shouldn't blame myself and that if she were serious she would've gone after him from the beginning and that she would never want to hurt me since I'm a friend who always supports her. I can't really accept it as a prank, but I tell her that I'll try to promise her, but I can't guarantee anything.

She calls me not 2 minutes later to continue to say the same thing and try to reassure me that nobody will date anybody, and how she would never want to lose me as a friend for something like that. I don't really remember what I told her. I did text my friend about it and he says that he would never date her in a situation like that, and that we both understand it's a joke, but I honestly don't really feel as if she was joking in the beginning, and that she's just doing this to spare my feelings, as late an effort as that is at this point. She does plan on talking with me about it as soon as she can.

I don't really know if this fits in the thread, but I'm seriously kind of out of it by this whole situation and I just feel like sharing the story will help get some perspective from others and help me settle down a bit even if I do know I'll get over it, it still hurts.

Sorry for my long vent/rant/idk post.

This bitch sounds fucking whack, man.

Like seriously, who does that? Even if it was a joke (I doubt it), I wouldn't continue to be her friend afterwards due to how obtuse and insensitive and lame she is.
 
Terrible advice. For the love of god, don't ever do this.

Just ask her out. If she has one, she'll tell you. It's really not that big of a deal, and it's certainly better than looking like a creep. Besides, technically she's not saying no because she doesn't want to go out with you, she's saying no because she can't. Should be a lesser blow to your ego than her just flat out saying no (or tell yourself this, anyway).
Ehh, the "just ask her out asap" mantra has been posted everywhere but I'm pretty confident now that it hardly works in some countries/culture(mine included). No one I know in a relationship has ever done this this way and doing it tends to not work. It just makes you seem too desperate unfortunately.
 
I think I'm done with the online dating thing. Remade a profile out of boredom. Same shit happens over & over. No responses, people I'm not attracted to sending me messages, pretty girls that are ditzy/dumb, or conversations that go nowhere or end abruptly. I'd much rather meet someone in person, more organically. My problem is fear of rejection, lack of self confidence, and all around not knowing what the shit to say. I keep thinking of how stupid I'll look if she ends up having a boyfriend or something. Plenty of pretty girls in my college classes, but no real reason to ever interact with any of them. I miss the feeling of having someone close & being so comfortable with someone. Big void after the ex drama. More or less passed that on some level. Wanting to try out the dating world, but as I stated earlier - I suck.

Which is exactly why you should text her. Shit man, if I could just walk up to some chick and say "hey can I have your number?" without the high risk of making a fool of myself/rejection, I would. She clearly must like you if she gave it out.

Perhaps my posts on here, when specifically referring to dating or my breakup, have sounded negative because everything in that department over the last 10 months has actually been negative - regardless of my attitude/outlook.

Yeah, I realize it's all about mentality. I wish I could flip a switch in terms of that.

Stop it. No, fucking listen to me. STOP IT. Stop making fucking excuses for your negativity and fucking stop. Right now.

Life sucks, okay? Bad things happen, and they can happen a lot. But that doesn't mean you wrap yourself up in a ball of negativity and say "Oh, everything's so hard, I can't do anything" all the time. Well... I mean, you *can*, be don't expect sympathy from people after a while (I mean this more IRL than here), and certain don't expect anyone to want to be around you.

I get it, it's hard to break out of that spiral of negativity and look at the silver lining in things. You don't do it in a day, it takes effort. If you're not willing to put in that effort yourself and want to find someone to fix you (before you object to that, just don't, that's quite clearly what you're doing right now), go for it, but most well-adjusted people prefer people that know how to support themselves emotionally. Everyone needs a shoulder to lean on, etc, but having a shoulder to lean on is way different than being dependent on another person to make you feel better. Whether you are or not, being like that to most people would mean you're clingy and desperate, and if said person doesn't be with them 24/7, that you'll get pissy and depressed. You may not get that way, sure, but most people that act the way you do will, and that's a big red flag to most people.

Also, who cares that your ex is married? Good for her. I'd go on a rant about how you shouldn't even know that in the first place and should have blocked her from your life completely to help move on... but you clearly didn't listen the other times, so whatever.

You're not ready for dating. You don't date women to fill a void in your life, you date people to feel connections and romance, i.e. to add to life. It may feel lonely sometimes, but its best to be alone sometimes. If you can't handle being alone, and not having a significant other, that's not a good sign. I get it, you're probably going to say 'but I've been alone 10 months!', but you shouldn't be counting, and it shouldn't matter, as long as your happy with yourself. Which you aren't, so you should work more on being happy with you than trying to get with another person to validate yourself somehow.

So... yeah.

EDIT: I went to the other thread and saw this.

Are you talking pre or post breakup? Because I was a very different person prior to that traumatic shit.

Let me be more positive since everyone and their grandma's are saying what a negative nancy I am.

Okay so there's this girl in my history class at school that I find attractive. I know little to nothing about her other than her name. For the hell of it I think I'm gonna ask her out for lunch or something. I'm super confidence in my ability to get her to go out with me (as friends, of course). All I need is a positive attitude and a smile on my face, she's sure to say yes! I know exactly how I'm going to get her number, too. I'll ease into it, of course. Next week I'm going to purposefully miss a class. Therefore, the 2 days prior to that class I plan on missing, I will approach her after class and ask her if we can exchange numbers - as I know she types the notes on her laptop as opposed to writing them on paper. For this reason I will ask her if she can kindly send me the notes for the day I miss. Even exchanging emails would work. That will be my initial break in. I think jumping in with "HI I DONT KNOW YOU AND YOU DONT KNOW ME BUT LETS GO GET FOOD LOL" isn't the best course of action. Start with a request for help to get her contact info and then ease into conversation from there. It's fool proof and I know I can pull it off. Confidence!

There, is that better? Is that the attitude I should take? Do you want to run far away from me now? =l

WTF dude? Stop being so argumentative when people tell you stuff. If you don't like the advice people are giving (and while backslashbunny is blunt, it was legit advice), then simply don't respond. Or respond in a better tone.

Everyone and their grandma is saying you're acting negative because... well, you are. Between the general attitude you're having here and the complaining you're doing in the Online Dating thread (which... you've been doing online dating for a week or something now? You can't expect people to fall from the sky), yeah, people are gonna say you're negative.
 
One thing people need to understand is that if you want to wallow in your own self pity that's fine but no one is going to feel bad for you. If I had a bleeding heart for every person who got dealt a shtty hand in a relationship I'd have died from blood loss ages ago. If you want advice lots of people can help. If you need to vent lots of people will listen. If you wanna be a douche canoe who just whines like a child and attacks people you can kindly swallow glass. You'll be lonely forever if you can't even treat people who make every attempt to be nice to you with respect. And you will deserve it.

This is a piece of advice I suggest everyone take seriously.
 
Wow that's a horrible friend.. I would cut all ties with her. She seems like a loser to me.
Yeah, it's going to be a bit hard to do that since all 3 of us work together. Me and my friend are cool, but me and her are going to have to talk about it.

So, don't let people push you around again. That's probably the most important thing to get from it. Secondly, cut all contact with her and find new friends. She's not friends with you and is incredibly inconsiderate, why even out yourself through that? It's unnecessary and not something you should have to go through.
This is really only the first time anything like this has ever happened. Honestly I never usually get into these situations because I'm pretty good about knowing when to leave and talk back. This was all sprung up on me in a way I never experienced before. So I kinda froze up in the situation. Lame I know.

Geez you went way too far down the friend zone imo, this "friendship" will mess you up even harder if you keep on going
The thing that's made it so hard is that I've always been there to support her. When she had nobody to cry on during tough situations, including family, I was there for her. I mean even then I knew it would really amount to nothing more than a friendship, but wow man.

Mean spirited jokes walk a fine line. I have a female friend who I tend to teasr all the time and she shoots back. Its a fun dynamic but it works because we know there are limits to things. The whole "well we always joke around so I didnt think it would be a big deal" is just dodging bullshit.

What she did was not a joke, what she did was play off the fact that you like her to humiliate you in front of your friend. She actively tried to make you feel like shit. That is mean spirited but no part of that shit actually contains the elements of a joke.

When it was obvious you and your friend did not find it funny she didn't back down. She pushed harder forced the whole ordeal into you literally degrading yourself to not seem like an obsessed person.

Honestly, if someone who I liked enough to still have a friendship with did that to me I would tell them to get fucked. You need to stand up for yourself and end that friendship. I know you won't want to be if you never defend yourself or stand up for yourself people will treat you like shit and it'll become harder and harder to break the cycle.
It was weird because the whole day was us just having fun and messing around with each other. I had no idea what she was thinking at that time. When she was apologizing she was about to cry because she "Had no idea that she had hurt me that badly". Even in my head I was trying to figure out how she could ever even think that considering everything.

1) You are her plaything. If she doesn't care about the game, then she purposely played with your feelings 'as a joke'

2) Or, she actually likes the guy, and approached it in the way that would put you on the spot and hurt you the most

So yeah, shrug. Some 'friend'
She kept saying it was all just to mess with me and that she never liked him at all, but really now? If you're going to go that far then don't even try to spare my feelings at that point. Some truth would be nice.

This bitch sounds fucking whack, man.

Like seriously, who does that? Even if it was a joke (I doubt it), I wouldn't continue to be her friend afterwards due to how obtuse and insensitive and lame she is.
Yeah, it was terrible, but like I said above, we work together, so me and her talking about this is pretty inevitable. I know she doesn't want to lose me as a "friend" since she spent a good 10-20 mins trying to apologize and even calling afterward, but idk man.


Thank you all for replying and sharing your thoughts. I just needed to share this with some people. I guess I'll share a follow up for those that care after I talk to her, whenever the heck that is, but yeah. More fish in the sea, blah blah.
 
What is there to 'talk' about? Tell her you're busy if she asks to hang out, or just ignore her.

If you really really want to say something anything (I wouldn't), you could tell her you don't enjoy having your feelings toyed around with for her amusement, that it was cruel and selfish, and that she doesn't respect you anyway so what's the point. She spent all that time asking for 'forgiveness', but really if you do 'forgive' her, all that's going to show her is the extent to which she can push you around.

Consider this a lesson and a dodged bullet.
 
I dunno, it sounds to me like she was just messing with you (which is probably worse in my opinion). I'm surprised she said she was sorry and apologised so much though, I'd tell her it was a really shitty thing to do and if she ever does something like that again you don't think you could continue to be friends with her (and be prepared to follow through on that), but ultimately give her another chance - she clearly cares at least a little bit.
 
I dunno, it sounds to me like she was just messing with you (which is probably worse in my opinion). I'm surprised she said she was sorry and apologised so much though, I'd tell her it was a really shitty thing to do and if she ever does something like that again you don't think you could continue to be friends with her (and be prepared to follow through on that), but ultimately give her another chance - she clearly cares at least a little bit.
She cares about seeing how much she can still manipulate and control him, anyway
 
I dunno, it sounds to me like she was just messing with you (which is probably worse in my opinion). I'm surprised she said she was sorry and apologised so much though, I'd tell her it was a really shitty thing to do and if she ever does something like that again you don't think you could continue to be friends with her (and be prepared to follow through on that), but ultimately give her another chance - she clearly cares at least a little bit.
This is what I was really thinking about doing. I can't not see her as it is, and if we're going to be around each other then I'd rather us be on good terms. I'm pretty sure she realized just how bad she screwed up, but I'm going to hammer down that point, and yeah, if anything like that ever happens again, then that's it between us. Pretty much I'm going to be cautious, even she deserves a second chance if she's really sorry.
 
This is what I was really thinking about doing. I can't not see her as it is, and if we're going to be around each other then I'd rather us be on good terms. I'm pretty sure she realized just how bad she screwed up, but I'm going to hammer down that point, and yeah, if anything like that ever happens again, then that's it between us. Pretty much I'm going to be cautious, even she deserves a second chance if she's really sorry.

I just hope you realise that's potentially going to be the hard bit and that if something like this does happen again and you find yourself making excuses for her or justifying why you should give her another 'another chance', you remember this thread and stop yourself before you do just let yourself be stepped all over.
 
I just hope you realise that's potentially going to be the hard bit and that if something like this does happen again and you find yourself making excuses for her or justifying why you should give her another 'another chance', you remember this thread and stop yourself before you do just let yourself be stepped all over.

Of course. Nobody is wroth losing my own self respect for.
 
This is what I was really thinking about doing. I can't not see her as it is, and if we're going to be around each other then I'd rather us be on good terms. I'm pretty sure she realized just how bad she screwed up, but I'm going to hammer down that point, and yeah, if anything like that ever happens again, then that's it between us. Pretty much I'm going to be cautious, even she deserves a second chance if she's really sorry.

Second chances are nice in theory, but people generally don't change.
 
This is what I was really thinking about doing. I can't not see her as it is, and if we're goin. to be around each other then I'd rather us be on good terms. I'm pretty sure she realized just how bad she screwed up, but I'm going to hammer down that point, and yeah, if anything like that ever happens again, then that's it between us. Pretty much I'm going to be cautious, even she deserves a second chance if she's really sorry.

This is naive. We work together is not a valid reason for maintaining a friendship. Its fucking work, you will be civil no matter what because it is an environment where professionalism is required. Besides work related stuff you have no requirement to engage.

If you do give her a second chance do not blame it on work, this is you just wanting to give in and it is a terrible idea. I strongly dislike people hiding behind work to justify not cutting a friendship. Work does not require friemdship to exist.

Just cause someone is sorry it doesn't absolve them from their actions. I wish people would understand "I'm sorry" is just some shit you say because you have to. It doesn't require you be forgiven when you do something stupid.
 
Stop it. No, fucking listen to me. STOP IT. Stop making fucking excuses for your negativity and fucking stop. Right now.

Life sucks, okay? Bad things happen, and they can happen a lot. But that doesn't mean you wrap yourself up in a ball of negativity and say "Oh, everything's so hard, I can't do anything" all the time. Well... I mean, you *can*, be don't expect sympathy from people after a while (I mean this more IRL than here), and certain don't expect anyone to want to be around you.

I get it, it's hard to break out of that spiral of negativity and look at the silver lining in things. You don't do it in a day, it takes effort. If you're not willing to put in that effort yourself and want to find someone to fix you (before you object to that, just don't, that's quite clearly what you're doing right now), go for it, but most well-adjusted people prefer people that know how to support themselves emotionally. Everyone needs a shoulder to lean on, etc, but having a shoulder to lean on is way different than being dependent on another person to make you feel better. Whether you are or not, being like that to most people would mean you're clingy and desperate, and if said person doesn't be with them 24/7, that you'll get pissy and depressed. You may not get that way, sure, but most people that act the way you do will, and that's a big red flag to most people.

Also, who cares that your ex is married? Good for her. I'd go on a rant about how you shouldn't even know that in the first place and should have blocked her from your life completely to help move on... but you clearly didn't listen the other times, so whatever.

You're not ready for dating. You don't date women to fill a void in your life, you date people to feel connections and romance, i.e. to add to life. It may feel lonely sometimes, but its best to be alone sometimes. If you can't handle being alone, and not having a significant other, that's not a good sign. I get it, you're probably going to say 'but I've been alone 10 months!', but you shouldn't be counting, and it shouldn't matter, as long as your happy with yourself. Which you aren't, so you should work more on being happy with you than trying to get with another person to validate yourself somehow.

So... yeah.

EDIT: I went to the other thread and saw this.



WTF dude? Stop being so argumentative when people tell you stuff. If you don't like the advice people are giving (and while backslashbunny is blunt, it was legit advice), then simply don't respond. Or respond in a better tone.

Everyone and their grandma is saying you're acting negative because... well, you are. Between the general attitude you're having here and the complaining you're doing in the Online Dating thread (which... you've been doing online dating for a week or something now? You can't expect people to fall from the sky), yeah, people are gonna say you're negative.
Holy shit, that last quote you posted made me think of was grap3man if you had cut out who posted it.
Yeah, it's going to be a bit hard to do that since all 3 of us work together. Me and my friend are cool, but me and her are going to have to talk about it.

This is really only the first time anything like this has ever happened. Honestly I never usually get into these situations because I'm pretty good about knowing when to leave and talk back. This was all sprung up on me in a way I never experienced before. So I kinda froze up in the situation. Lame I know.


The thing that's made it so hard is that I've always been there to support her. When she had nobody to cry on during tough situations, including family, I was there for her. I mean even then I knew it would really amount to nothing more than a friendship, but wow man.

It was weird because the whole day was us just having fun and messing around with each other. I had no idea what she was thinking at that time. When she was apologizing she was about to cry because she "Had no idea that she had hurt me that badly". Even in my head I was trying to figure out how she could ever even think that considering everything.

She kept saying it was all just to mess with me and that she never liked him at all, but really now? If you're going to go that far then don't even try to spare my feelings at that point. Some truth would be nice.

Yeah, it was terrible, but like I said above, we work together, so me and her talking about this is pretty inevitable. I know she doesn't want to lose me as a "friend" since she spent a good 10-20 mins trying to apologize and even calling afterward, but idk man.


Thank you all for replying and sharing your thoughts. I just needed to share this with some people. I guess I'll share a follow up for those that care after I talk to her, whenever the heck that is, but yeah. More fish in the sea, blah blah.

That's fine, it happens to all of us at times. If definitely just so talking to her and cut contact.
 
This is naive. We work together is not a valid reason for maintaining a friendship. Its fucking work, you will be civil no matter what because it is an environment where professionalism is required. Besides work related stuff you have no requirement to engage.

If you do give her a second chance do not blame it on work, this is you just wanting to give in and it is a terrible idea. I strongly dislike people hiding behind work to justify not cutting a friendship. Work does not require friemdship to exist.

Just cause someone is sorry it doesn't absolve them from their actions. I wish people would understand "I'm sorry" is just some shit you say because you have to. It doesn't require you be forgiven when you do something stupid.

I wasn't really trying to blame it on work, but I can see how it would come off that way. I do understand what you're trying to say though.
 
Second chances are nice in theory, but people generally don't change.

This is such pessimistic, bitter crap.

Second chances aren't about wanting people to change, they're about recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and everyone does things they regret or that are out of character and just because someone does something fucked up one time doesn't mean that's who they are or that they'll do it again.

And people obviously do change a lot over time, you just mean people don't change overnight.
 
The easiest thing to do is to cut all ties. She seems to need you more than you need her, and cutting ties means there's no chance of this from her in the future.

But, if in your heart of hearts you believe she's sincere, then I'd abdicate giving another chance. It sounds like you've been friends for a fair while, and this is the first time she's overstepped the mark this badly. Sure there are risks, but maybe it's a risk worth taking if you value the friendship. At the very least though, I'd ask her to come clean. If you don't believe she was just messing about liking your friend, then tell her that. If you can't move on from that, your friendship can't either.
 
I wasn't really trying to blame it on work, but I can see how it would come off that way. I do understand what you're trying to say though.

You're choice. I'm just saying she knew you liked her and went to the extent of humiliating you as a joke. Her crying and being sorry doesn't change any of that. If you continue the friendship you concede that crying and saying sorry when she treats you like trash will be met with rationalization and forgiveness.

You're already the shoulder she can cry on about all her problems she should be telling someone who obviously does not like her. Now on top of that you gonna be the play thing too. It's not a good look man, so many in this thread will give you first hand knowledge of that.

People are far to loose with second chances. In the entirety of my life, when I look back and say "which of these people who fucked up so bad they needed it deserves a second chance" actually deserved it, the list is exaxtly 1. Unsurprisingly my closest friends have never gotten to the point of even needing another chance. I wonder why /s

If someone does something so bullshit it makes you reconsider a friendship, you are treading on pretty dangerous water to think they will just fix that shit immediately. Maybe people just gotta get burned enough to know.
 
You're choice. I'm just saying she knew you liked her and went to the extent of humiliating you as a joke. Her crying and being sorry doesn't change any of that. If you continue the friendship you concede that crying and saying sorry when she treats you like trash will be met with rationalization and forgiveness.

You're already the shoulder she can cry on about all her problems she should be telling someone who obviously does not like her. Now on top of that you gonna be the play thing too. It's not a good look man, so many in this thread will give you first hand knowledge of that.

People are far to loose with second chances. In the entirety of my life, when I look back and say "which of these people who fucked up so bad they needed it deserves a second chance" actually deserved it, the list is exaxtly 1. Unsurprisingly my closest friends have never gotten to the point of even needing another chance. I wonder why /s

If someone does something so bullshit it makes you reconsider a friendship, you are treading on pretty dangerous water to think they will just fix that shit immediately. Maybe people just gotta get burned enough to know.

If you hadn't given it to that one person who actually deserved a second chance though, how much would that have sucked?
 
The thing that's made it so hard is that I've always been there to support her. When she had nobody to cry on during tough situations, including family, I was there for her. I mean even then I knew it would really amount to nothing more than a friendship, but wow man.

Not to make the whole thread about you, but I'm curious how often she is there to support you?
 
1) Why would want to stay friends with someone who you're pinning for but who's already rejected you? Is it to give yourself false hope? Is it because you think that friendship is so amazing that you're willing to suppress your own feelings to pursue it?

2) Why would want to stay friends with someone who you're pinning for but who's already rejected you, but who also uses that knowledge to humiliate you for her own amusement?

3) "She had no idea that she had hurt me that badly" because she did not spare your feelings a single thought when she decided to pull off that elaborate cruel 'prank'
 
Sparkedglory, I missed your story while I was in the middle of ranting. This...

Since we're all riding in one car this makes what happens that much worse. We're talking about the former situation, when out of nowhere, she asks my friend that she and him should go out on a date. Stunned, the both of us can only really sit there with our mouths open. I kind of look at her and ask about the person she liked, and she mouths "It's him", meaning my friend in the backseat. She then asks again if they can go on a date. Since this same exact situation happened to him, and since he knows full well that I really like this girl, he can only say "I...I don't think I can do that...". She then says that of course he can and asks for his phone number. Me and him are both still shocked. While she goes on and asks if anybody is going to answer her question about the date. I only let out a "Go ahead man...you should do it." Eventually she gets his number and we get to where we needed to drop him off. Before he gets out, she looks directly at me and asks him for a hug...And obviously feeling terrible about the situation he nervously laughs it off. Then once he gets out, she opens her door, looks at me again, and then goes to hug him, and she gets back in since she's my ride home...

Hooooly shit. That's terrible. That's a horrible thing for her to do to. Is she literally unable to read social cues? Has she lived under a rock for her entire life? How can she think that was even remotely okay? Even if she was oblivious enough to think asking the question the first time was alright, she should gotten the hint that it was not okay was your friend was like "nah bruh". Instead she continued along that path, wtf.

She was *clearly* trying to get a rise out of you, make you jealous or angry. That wasn't a "joke", that was a serious malicious attempt on your feelings. That's a terrible "friend".
 
Stop it. No, fucking listen to me. STOP IT. Stop making fucking excuses for your negativity and fucking stop. Right now.

Life sucks, okay? Bad things happen, and they can happen a lot. But that doesn't mean you wrap yourself up in a ball of negativity and say "Oh, everything's so hard, I can't do anything" all the time. Well... I mean, you *can*, be don't expect sympathy from people after a while (I mean this more IRL than here), and certain don't expect anyone to want to be around you.

I get it, it's hard to break out of that spiral of negativity and look at the silver lining in things. You don't do it in a day, it takes effort. If you're not willing to put in that effort yourself and want to find someone to fix you (before you object to that, just don't, that's quite clearly what you're doing right now), go for it, but most well-adjusted people prefer people that know how to support themselves emotionally. Everyone needs a shoulder to lean on, etc, but having a shoulder to lean on is way different than being dependent on another person to make you feel better. Whether you are or not, being like that to most people would mean you're clingy and desperate, and if said person doesn't be with them 24/7, that you'll get pissy and depressed. You may not get that way, sure, but most people that act the way you do will, and that's a big red flag to most people.

Also, who cares that your ex is married? Good for her. I'd go on a rant about how you shouldn't even know that in the first place and should have blocked her from your life completely to help move on... but you clearly didn't listen the other times, so whatever.

You're not ready for dating. You don't date women to fill a void in your life, you date people to feel connections and romance, i.e. to add to life. It may feel lonely sometimes, but its best to be alone sometimes. If you can't handle being alone, and not having a significant other, that's not a good sign. I get it, you're probably going to say 'but I've been alone 10 months!', but you shouldn't be counting, and it shouldn't matter, as long as your happy with yourself. Which you aren't, so you should work more on being happy with you than trying to get with another person to validate yourself somehow.

So... yeah.

EDIT: I went to the other thread and saw this.



WTF dude? Stop being so argumentative when people tell you stuff. If you don't like the advice people are giving (and while backslashbunny is blunt, it was legit advice), then simply don't respond. Or respond in a better tone.

Everyone and their grandma is saying you're acting negative because... well, you are. Between the general attitude you're having here and the complaining you're doing in the Online Dating thread (which... you've been doing online dating for a week or something now? You can't expect people to fall from the sky), yeah, people are gonna say you're negative.

Real talk. How come you have such a gift for saying what I'm thinking much better than I do myself?
 
1) Why would want to stay friends with someone who you're pinning for but who's already rejected you? Is it to give yourself false hope? Is it because you think that friendship is so amazing that you're willing to suppress your own feelings to pursue it?

2) Why would want to stay friends with someone who you're pinning for but who's already rejected you, but who also uses that knowledge to humiliate you for her own amusement?

3) "She had no idea that she had hurt me that badly" because she did not spare your feelings a single thought when she decided to pull off that elaborate cruel 'prank'

This, exactly.

What she did demonstrates that she is, in short, a derranged bitch. It's not just a mistake - holy shit. It was elaborate, well thought out humiliation. Just reading it again made me pissed. And her overly fawning attempts at getting you back further drive home her being manipulative.

Again, it shows a deeper character flaw, not simply a lapse in judgement that deserves a second chance. That's pitiful man.
 
If you hadn't given it to that one person who actually deserved a second chance though, how much would that have sucked?

I wouldn't know would I? Right now I am happy I did it. But that doesn't change the way I handle these situations now (however rare they are at this stage in my life) is far better for my peace of mind and life. The exception does not make me disregard the rule, you're following a path to self destruction if you follow that mindset
 
I wouldn't know would I? Right now I am happy I did it. But that doesn't change the way I handle these situations now (however rare they are at this stage in my life) is far better for my peace of mind and life. The exception does not make me disregard the rule, you're following a path to self destruction if you follow that mindset

I disagree, I think I'd take getting disappointed, let down or otherwise hurt potentially twice instead of once every time if it means I can differentiate between and forgive the people who made genuine mistakes or fuck ups and regretted it afterwards.

Like I just can't believe in cutting contact with someone over one thing unless it was something completely unforgivable. I think this could be a case of someone having poor judgement and getting carried away with themselves and really fucking up but knowing it straight away and apologising. It could also be a manipulative asshole seeing how far they can push someone, but I'm not convinced. And it's not really gonna hurt to give her one more chance imo.
 
Any experiences with speed dating here? I'm scared to try

I haven't, but I want to give it a shot soon. What's there to be afraid of though? The events sound structured and you shouldn't have to worry about whether the people there are actually available and interested in dating.
 
It could also be a manipulative asshole seeing how far they can push someone, but I'm not convinced. And it's not really gonna hurt to give her one more chance imo.
The thing with manipulation is that the person being manipulated doesn't necessarily see it. If she plays her cards right, she can sucker OP into a psychologically draining 'friendship'. So yeah, it CAN hurt. It's why spouses in abusive relationships can be led into believing "baby, I swear I'll change" BS.

But regardless of the 2nd chance thing, this is someone who's rejected your advances (AND USED THAT TO HUMILIATE YOU - but that's a different point). If you think you can have a genuine friendship and throw away or completely suppress your past feelings, then go nuts. Don't get suckered just because she gives you a bit of attention.
 
The thing with manipulation is that the person being manipulated doesn't necessarily see it. If she plays her cards right, she can sucker OP into a psychologically draining 'friendship'. So yeah, it CAN hurt. It's why spouses in abusive relationships can be led into believing "baby, I swear I'll change" BS.

But regardless of the 2nd chance thing, this is someone who's rejected your advances (AND USED THAT TO HUMILIATE YOU - but that's a different point). If you think you can have a genuine friendship and throw away or completely suppress your past feelings, then go nuts. Don't get suckered just because she gives you a bit of attention.

I'd like to give him more credit than that though.

Also I feel like you're projecting your own bad experiences and bitterness onto his situation. Things like this are often pretty complicated and I don't think your black and white "you like girl, girl doesn't like you, she' s messing with you, cut all contact" advice is necessarily the best for everyone.
 
Do you say that to people in abusive relationships too? They should just look past the manipulation and see it for what it is?

I mean, sure, benefit of the doubt, maybe she's just immature and lacks all empathy towards OP, but give her another chance, what could go wrong? He can do whatever he wants, but ultimately it's just his self-respect and mental health on the line, after all.

I'm not sure why you're writing all this advice off as bitterness and bad experience. This has never happened to me, but I can still recognize red flags (as does pretty much everyone else who's replied in this thread about this situation) when I see them. If anything, you're the one who seems to handwave it all away as just a silly benign prank.
 
I disagree, I think I'd take getting disappointed, let down or otherwise hurt potentially twice instead of once every time if it means I can differentiate between and forgive the people who made genuine mistakes or fuck ups and regretted it afterwards.

Like I just can't believe in cutting contact with someone over one thing unless it was something completely unforgivable. I think this could be a case of someone having poor judgement and getting carried away with themselves and really fucking up but knowing it straight away and apologising. It could also be a manipulative asshole seeing how far they can push someone, but I'm not convinced. And it's not really gonna hurt to give her one more chance imo.

What I define as a second chance is another chance on a fuck up that makes refusal to be friends justifiable. I don't just cut contact with anyone that says some dumb shit or does something that pisses me off.

You're extremely idealistic. I am not going to face potentially crippling circumstances 99 times just so 1 time someone can not suck. If that is how you wanna live go for it, I am not going to advise anyone to go down that path though.

I believe in cutting contact when the situation does not provide you with any positivity or you are not getting what you want out of it. So far dude is an emotional crutch and a friendzoner (and he doesn't want to be there, anyone with some deductive reasoning knows he wants this girl and is just pretending he is okay with her not liking him back). Now he can add willing to be treated like shit to that list. What is he gaining out of this? An already damaged friendship (obviously wants more) with someone who doesn't respect him and will flaunt that he has no chance in front of his face? You think he should go back to that? I think that he is a fool if he does and when/if he does go back its going to end poorly. But gotta hope for that 1% I guess /s
 
I'd like to give him more credit than that though.

Also I feel like you're projecting your own bad experiences and bitterness onto his situation. Things like this are often pretty complicated and I don't think your black and white "you like girl, girl doesn't like you, she' s messing with you, cut all contact" advice is necessarily the best for everyone.
You're so out there on this. I'm not sure how you can construe her actions as being an innocent mistake and she was that oblivious to hire shitty she was acting after she made even the friend uncomfortable as hell and still pressed the matter. Sometimes people deserve second chances, there no way in hell this person does this time.
 
I'd like to give him more credit than that though.

Also I feel like you're projecting your own bad experiences and bitterness onto his situation. Things like this are often pretty complicated and I don't think your black and white "you like girl, girl doesn't like you, she' s messing with you, cut all contact" advice is necessarily the best for everyone.

Who cares about everyone? All that matters is what's best for him. If making a clean break helps him then that's all that matters. It's ultimately his decision. He already risked getting himself hurt by being friends with her after she rejected him. Then after she rejects him, she goes and disrespects him. He doesn't owe her anything. Maybe time apart will be good and if she really wants to be his friend then maybe a few months down the road everything will be good. You don't get someone out of your system by seeing them all the time. You need some space and the opportunity to meet new people.
 
gaiages said:

Thanks. I've delete the profiles. Btw, I've a far different tone in person when it comes to this.

gaiages said:
Also, who cares that your ex is married? Good for her. I'd go on a rant about how you shouldn't even know that in the first place and should have blocked her from your life completely to help move on... but you clearly didn't listen the other times, so whatever.

Now you're assuming. I didn't look. I was told. In fact I was told by a girl who has been wanting to get with me for months, but since I refused she must have taken to it quite negatively. She decided to tell my ex a ton of lies about me (that I want to hurt her, stalk her, that I call her phone everyday via a blocked number, etc) which prompted my ex to say some even meaner shit towards me (if I'm to believe my 'friend' who relayed the messages) including that "she is legally married" (wtf other kind of married is there, illegally married?). That's how I heard about it. Again, hearsay - probably bullshit for many reasons, but whatever. I blocked this 'friend', too.

Roberto Larcos said:
So slimy.

k
 
I think that with every rejection (and there have been a few) it gets easier to forget about it, some take longer than others since I connect differently with different people, but definitely easier.
 
I'd like to give him more credit than that though.

Also I feel like you're projecting your own bad experiences and bitterness onto his situation. Things like this are often pretty complicated and I don't think your black and white "you like girl, girl doesn't like you, she' s messing with you, cut all contact" advice is necessarily the best for everyone.

That's not what this situation boils down to - at all. While that's part of it, the bigger part is that she's a manipulative bitch as demonstrated by the actions described. It's a continued series of humiliating events with his feelings at stake. There's much more than a lapse in judgement. At the very best, she's lame, unfunny and an oblivious dumbass for even thinking this would be funny. The reason he shouldn't associate with her outside of necessary interactions at simple: All interactions with her are invariably going to bring back dem feels. Both constant feelings of unrequited desire - which sucks ass - and bitterness of her "funny prank lolz". Nothing good can come of that.

Your opinion on this is clearly an outlier. Just because some people deserve second chances, doesn't mean she does in this situation. Accusing someone of projecting their bitterness on this not only contributes nothing, but it's pretty much a meaningless justification on your bizarre view of this scenario. I would never forget it if someone did something like this to me. It would be downright humiliating and if he has any spine whatsoever he'll ditch her as a friend.
 
I'd like to give him more credit than that though.

Also I feel like you're projecting your own bad experiences and bitterness onto his situation. Things like this are often pretty complicated and I don't think your black and white "you like girl, girl doesn't like you, she' s messing with you, cut all contact" advice is necessarily the best for everyone.

Just read his story... it really made my blood boil. I wouldn't cut all contact, but I would make her put in some work to get back into my good graces. Though, I'm not sure she would.... so the end result might be the same.
 
Thanks. I've delete the profiles. Btw, I've a far different tone in person when it comes to this.



Now you're assuming. I didn't look. I was told. In fact I was told by a girl who has been wanting to get with me for months, but since I refused she must have taken to it quite negatively. She decided to tell my ex a ton of lies about me (that I want to hurt her, stalk her, that I call her phone everyday via a blocked number, etc) which prompted my ex to say some even meaner shit towards me (if I'm to believe my 'friend' who relayed the messages) including that "she is legally married" (wtf other kind of married is there, illegally married?). That's how I heard about it. Again, hearsay - probably bullshit for many reasons, but whatever. I blocked this 'friend', too.



k

I think the overarching point that you miss when you push back every time on GAF advice is that you're still very much a part of this world that is so hurtful to you. Whether it is friends that know both of you or not having her blocked on various things, you always seem to be getting this news. If you can't handle hearing it, then you really need to cut it all off.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top Bottom