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[RedVladimir]

I mentioned this before in this thread, but yeah, that experience was literally hell for me as a virgin. It was a clear reminder of how behind socially I am when compared to my peers. I'm honestly never going to bring the subject of sexual experience up if I meet a cute new girl who I really click with. I've reached the conclusion that admitting to being a virgin at 23 is basically dating suicide and does a guy no favours. I'm trying not to let it get to me, but it is a real struggle.

My best friend was a virgin at 24. He lost it 2 years ago to a girl that is very experienced, from what we've heard. All he said was that he rubbed one out before their encounter so he could last. Said actual penetration was great, but he didn't feel any different afterwards. He said that, weirdly, the encounter made him realize that he lost his actual virginity the moment he first saw porn as a teenager. Like, you can't really boast to your mid-20s friends you penetrated a girl's vagina for the first time, you know? It's not impressive anymore.

It's new only to you, and by definition that makes it a private achievement. But your mind is so numbed to nudity by now, that other than the pleasing sensation of the live act (which is new to you, sure) the whole thing becomes clear it isn't what defines you. You'll still be the same you were before & after the act. What defines you are the interpersonal attributes that made you attractive enough to convince a girl to like you and undress in front of you. Those same attributes will remain unaltered after the act.

So focus on cultivating and applying these attributes, and you'll notice how little women will care about your sexual history.

 

[ZackieChan]

Is it wise to bring this up to her when we see each other again?

Have any of you guys or gals dated someone who was into you but just hardly ever texted back? I hope reading too much into this. She is an old fashion type gal from Wisconsin.

Breh, I thought you went on a lot of dates. You're acting like a total noob! Slow your roll.

Spoiler

Happens to me sometimes too -_____-

On the whole virgin thing I've got the house to myself for the week and all I can think of is just, "This would be the prefect time to get a girl over!"

Do it son

 

[Jokab]

On the virgin thing: you can mention it, but it's not a big deal honestly. You don't need to be a superstar to have sex. If you're insecure you can try guiding her to do stuff to you, like cowgirl (just tell her you want that). I mean eventually you will have to go down on a woman for the first time, but then you can ask her how she likes it and just go from there. Most women vary wildly in how they want things done, so if you ask you'll also make sure you please her the most.

 

[Miles Quaritch]

So, GAF, yeah. In still confused where this is going with this girl. As I've said, the second date went awesome. We were close with touching, hand holding, I kissed her shoulder, and eventually I was going to make the first kiss move, but she ended up with the first move. We kissed at the last bar, out in the parking lot, I held her hand while driving her home, and we kissed in front of her apt......


But she doesn't seem to be that interested in texting first? It's always me that initiates the texting first, and sometimes she'll respond back many hours later, which I can understand with work, but sometimes even a day later.

I would really like to communicate with her more when we're not together, but then again it has only been the second date.

Is it wise to bring this up to her when we see each other again?

Have any of you guys or gals dated someone who was into you but just hardly ever texted back? I hope reading too much into this. She is an old fashion type gal from Wisconsin.

I wouldn't worry, some people just don't like texting. Perhaps call her every so often instead? A quick hey, how's things and arrange the next date over the phone.

Text too much and you'll appear clingly, but phoning her when you know she might be free is a better way to keep in touch and gives it that personal touch that texting removes.

 

[bluethree]

How many hours are we talking about? A day or more, yeah,, she's clearly not that interested. Some people do take several hours to get back to you though, 'cause of work or other things, or maybe they're just naturally slow to reply (this is me).

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

Breh, I thought you went on a lot of dates. You're acting like a total noob! Slow your roll.

Spoiler

Happens to me sometimes too -_____-

Do it son

Happens to you but you have your whole harem to fall back on 😦

 

[peanutbutterlatte]

Little bit concerned one of my female friends might have a thing for me. She's lovely, but I don't see her that way.

What's the best way to let her know I'm not interested (without just outright saying it)? If she does (and it's a big "if") I don't want to hurt her feelings...

 

[vern]

Little bit concerned one of my female friends might have a thing for me. She's lovely, but I don't see her that way.

What's the best way to let her know I'm not interested (without just outright saying it)? If she does (and it's a big "if") I don't want to hurt her feelings...

Just be honest with her? Or ignore it I guess. Does she touch you and flirt? Don't reciprocate.

 

[gaiages]

Little bit concerned one of my female friends might have a thing for me. She's lovely, but I don't see her that way.

What's the best way to let her know I'm not interested (without just outright saying it)? If she does (and it's a big "if") I don't want to hurt her feelings...

Stringing along someone so you 'don't hurt their feelings' is like the worst thing you can do. It makes the other person feel even worse when they find out the truth.

If you're not actually sure, I just wouldn't make a move. If it becomes more obvious, I'd just pull her aside and tell her outright that you think she's a great friend but that's it.

 

[peanutbutterlatte]

Stringing along someone so you 'don't hurt their feelings' is like the worst thing you can do. It makes the other person feel even worse when they find out the truth.

If you're not actually sure, I just wouldn't make a move. If it becomes more obvious, I'd just pull her aside and tell her outright that you think she's a great friend but that's it.

Yeah I'm being careful not to give off signs I myself would see as signals.

 

[ZackieChan]

Happens to you but you have your whole harem to fall back on 😦

They're slowly dwindling. Going date-free for a few months while I travel around the states. Maybe I'll actually get some work done.

 

[Laekon]

Thought I would add a story of dating ups and downs here. For about a month I've been pursuing a girl from one of my classes that seemed to be cute, smart, and kind. When I initial asked her out to get a drink after class she said she couldn't but immediately asked if we could do a hike another time. Went on the hike and things seemed to good as she was a big reader (liked sci-fi, fantasy), liked hiking, and bunch of other normal but cool stuff. Conversation went great. Week after she was up for going to a brewery after class. Things again went great conversation felt easy. Gave her a hug when we left and instead of saying how I thought she was smart, funny, and pretty for some reason the word sweet came out of my mouth. I made plans with her again but told her I wanted to consider it a date. She came back with "liked hanging out with me but wasn't looking to date". I thought about giving it some time so kept up infrequent non-serious txt and 1 more hike. I could just see nothing was going to happen even though we seemed like a great match. I was pretty bummed about it.

The day after realizing nothing was gonna happen with girl #1, a girl from another class asked to share numbers so we could get help for our final if needed. She is cute and cool but a little intense for me. I had thought about asking her to meet to study but the next day she sent me a txt asking me out and not to study. We meet up and 3 hours later are making out in a parking lot for an hour. The next day we try to make plans and she suggest coming over to my place for dinner. Probably 30 minutes after showing up we are making out on my bed and I'm just blown away cause no girl has come onto me before like this. Things didn't get to far and we did end up eating dinner and talking. It seemed to be a good thing as I now feel we have a lot more in common and I'm more interested in having a relationship with her.

So I guess you just never know what is going to happen.

 

[RedVladimir]

Thought I would add a story of dating ups and downs here. For about a month I've been pursuing a girl from one of my classes that seemed to be cute, smart, and kind. When I initial asked her out to get a drink after class she said she couldn't but immediately asked if we could do a hike another time. Went on the hike and things seemed to good as she was a big reader (liked sci-fi, fantasy), liked hiking, and bunch of other normal but cool stuff. Conversation went great. Week after she was up for going to a brewery after class. Things again went great conversation felt easy. Gave her a hug when we left and instead of saying how I thought she was smart, funny, and pretty for some reason the word sweet came out of my mouth. I made plans with her again but told her I wanted to consider it a date. She came back with "liked hanging out with me but wasn't looking to date". I thought about giving it some time so kept up infrequent non-serious txt and 1 more hike. I could just see nothing was going to happen even though we seemed like a great match. I was pretty bummed about it.

The day after realizing nothing was gonna happen with girl #1, a girl from another class asked to share numbers so we could get help for our final if needed. She is cute and cool but a little intense for me. I had thought about asking her to meet to study but the next day she sent me a txt asking me out and not to study. We meet up and 3 hours later are making out in a parking lot for an hour. The next day we try to make plans and she suggest coming over to my place for dinner. Probably 30 minutes after showing up we are making out on my bed and I'm just blown away cause no girl has come onto me before like this. Things didn't get to far and we did end up eating dinner and talking. It seemed to be a good thing as I now feel we have a lot more in common and I'm more interested in having a relationship with her.

So I guess you just never know what is going to happen.

This is the biggest crutch guys have nowadays. They fail to notice how valuable they are. What ends up happening is that what we bring to the table (wish is plenty when it comes to interacting with a woman), to us, seems to pale in comparison to that woman's beauty. So this girl coming strongly onto you is because you are a good dude (I hope). Realize she didn't just "gift" you her attention out of the kindness of her heart.

Keep being that dude and know that, while there are a lot more #1 Girls out there, there are also plenty of #2 Girls. That's the secret: it's a numbers game. You'll be less surprised as you start interacting with more (#2) women.

I have known girls who've fell head over heels with friends of mine, they'd confide in me (often to find out if the feeling was mutual), and when said friend was in the same room, they'd act with absolutely no sign of particular interest; like friends. It was straight outta the Twilight Zone. So yes, you're lucky Girl #2 is ballsy, but you'd be surprised how many other "#2 Girls" may think the same (right now) but have yet to be approached by you...

 

[Miles Quaritch]

This is the biggest crutch guys have nowadays. They fail to notice how valuable they are. What ends up happening is that what we bring to the table (wish is plenty when it comes to interacting with a woman), to us, seems to pale in comparison to that woman's beauty. So this girl coming strongly onto you is because you are a good dude (I hope). Realize she didn't just "gift" you her attention out of the kindness of her heart.

Keep being that dude and know that, while there are a lot more #1 Girls out there, there are also plenty of #2 Girls. That's the secret: it's a numbers game. You'll be less surprised as you start interacting with more (#2) women.

I have known girls who've fell head over heels with friends of mine, they'd confide in me (often to find out if the feeling was mutual), and when said friend was in the same room, they'd act with absolutely no sign of particular interest; like friends. It was straight outta the Twilight Zone. So yes, you're lucky Girl #2 is ballsy, but you'd be surprised how many other "#2 Girls" may think the same (right now) but have yet to be approached by you...

Some solid advice there.

I'd also add that you should be happy she was upfront about not being interested. I've invested time in getting to know someone, developing feelings for them only to hit me weeks/months later with the 'I don't feel anything' line.

Shit is devastating. Happened twice in a row before I met my current girlfriend.

 

[InfiniteBento]

So what do you do when you love someone to the point where you feel it in your bones but your communication is such garbage that you both have torn each other to shreds?

Do you salvage it or let it go?

Where do you draw the line when you know you're madly in love with someone but things between you two are toxic from fighting?

This past year has been 75% arguing and no matter how much we sit and talk things out, we always end up arguing again over and over. It feels like the same cycle of fighting, talking, things are normal for a few days or a week, then repeat.

I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

So what do you do when you love someone to the point where you feel it in your bones but your communication is such garbage that you both have torn each other to shreds?

Do you salvage it or let it go?

Where do you draw the line when you know you're madly in love with someone but things between you two are toxic from fighting?

This past year has been 75% arguing and no matter how much we sit and talk things out, we always end up arguing again over and over. It feels like the same cycle of fighting, talking, things are normal for a few days or a week, then repeat.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Have you considered couples therapy? If you both truly want to do "everything" prior to simply ending it, then it's possible that you aren't equipped with the proper techniques to engage in prosocial and positive communication -- and you need to draw upon the expertise of a provider.

It's obvious that the status quo isn't working for you. But it also seems (at least initially) silly to toss away someone you're "madly in love with." It's entirely possible that you have differences that simply can't be resolved, either due to lack of ability or lack of effort. But what's probable is that the techniques you're attempting aren't working well. In other words, either try new techniques or end the relationship. (Doing more of the same isn't productive.)

 

[gaiages]

Have you considered couples therapy? If you both truly want to do "everything" prior to simply ending it, then it's possible that you aren't equipped with the proper techniques to engage in prosocial and positive communication -- and you need to draw upon the expertise of a provider.

It's obvious that the status quo isn't working for you. But it also seems (at least initially) silly to toss away someone you're "madly in love with." It's entirely possible that you have differences that simply can't be resolved, either due to lack of ability or lack of effort. But what's probable is that the techniques you're attempting aren't working well. In other words, either try new techniques or end the relationship. (Doing more of the same isn't productive.)

Major truth bomb right here. At this point it's obvious that the two of you cannot work it out as is. If you really, truly wish to try to make things work, couples therapy is an option, although it's important to note that therapy isn't a 'magic pill' answer that'll make everything immediately work out... it's something that takes effort and caring from both parties, and if either is resistant/apathetic to the idea, it'll be a waste.

 

[InfiniteBento]

Have you considered couples therapy? If you both truly want to do "everything" prior to simply ending it, then it's possible that you aren't equipped with the proper techniques to engage in prosocial and positive communication -- and you need to draw upon the expertise of a provider.

It's obvious that the status quo isn't working for you. But it also seems (at least initially) silly to toss away someone you're "madly in love with." It's entirely possible that you have differences that simply can't be resolved, either due to lack of ability or lack of effort. But what's probable is that the techniques you're attempting aren't working well. In other words, either try new techniques or end the relationship. (Doing more of the same isn't productive.)

Is it weird to go to couples therapy when you're really young tho? He's 21, I'm 22. We've been together for 2 years now. I almost wonder if a doctor would think what us trying to save this is laughable. :/

I never really imagined it getting to this point but we've done so much shitty shit to each other that the amount of bitterness and resentment thats built up is astounding. There is never an argument where we don't spew the past in each others faces. We also live together which makes this all the more frustrating to deal with.

My biggest issue overall is that I find I'm struggling with the fact that he doesn't understand what so ever that I struggle a lot with mental illness. He's known about it since we first started dating and used to be incredibly understanding but now he makes fun of me for it and doesn't take it seriously. He believes my illness is just a ploy towards him when it isn't at all. My family understands me being sick and so do my best friends but my boyfriend doesn't get it. I've talked him through how to help me and what exactly I need from him to help support me so I can progress through it but in the end it just feels like he resents me for being sick and bullies me for it. I never did that to him when he first told me about his severe OCD. I helped him through it and now he's progressed so much that instead of it taking him 3 hours to go to sleep, it takes him less than 10 minutes. This issue is probably my biggest problem with him. He makes me feel broken and like I'll never meet his expectations. He makes assumptions about me all the time and belittles my feelings on top of it all. He makes me feel beneath him and like I'm an emotional science experiment for him to pick apart when all I want from him is stop bullying me and take my illness seriously.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

Is it weird to go to couples therapy when you're really young tho? He's 21, I'm 22. We've been together for 2 years now. I almost wonder if a doctor would think what us trying to save this is laughable. :/

I never really imagined it getting to this point but we've done so much shitty shit to each other that the amount of bitterness and resentment thats built up is astounding. There is never an argument where we don't spew the past in each others faces. We also live together which makes this all the more frustrating to deal with.

My biggest issue overall is that I find I'm struggling with the fact that he doesn't understand what so ever that I struggle a lot with mental illness. He's known about it since we first started dating and used to be incredibly understanding but now he makes fun of me for it and doesn't take it seriously. He believes my illness is just a ploy towards him when it isn't at all. My family understands me being sick and so do my best friends but my boyfriend doesn't get it. I've talked him through how to help me and what exactly I need from him to help support me so I can progress through it but in the end it just feels like he resents me for being sick and bullies me for it. I never did that to him when he first told me about his severe OCD. I helped him through it and now he's progressed so much that instead of it taking him 3 hours to go to sleep, it takes him less than 10 minutes. This issue is probably my biggest problem with him. He makes me feel broken and like I'll never meet his expectations. He makes assumptions about me all the time and belittles my feelings on top of it all. He makes me feel beneath him and like I'm an emotional science experiment for him to pick apart when all I want from him is stop bullying me and take my illness seriously.

You've been together for two years. That's no longer a short-term relationship. There are providers that specialize in everything -- people who've been married for 50 years and those who are trying to negotiate medium-term into something long-term. My longest relationship lasted three years, for instance, and I'm ten years older than you are.

Additionally, you're telling me that you both: (1) need to improve communication skills, as you're engaging in "keeping score" and "scoring points"; and (2) need to better understand each other's psychosocial challenges. Just because you were easily able to understand his OCD (is it even diagnosed?) doesn't necessarily mean he'll be able to -- without proper guidance, especially from a person trained in presenting how those symptoms affect you -- do the same with your mental illness.

That said, it's a fucking red flag that he mocks you for it. Not understanding is one thing. Having difficulties coping with it is another. Disbelieving and mocking is beyond the pale entirely. Of course, it's also possible that either you're reading something into his frustration that's not entirely there. Or maybe he's just malicious sometimes now, with the potential to become a more loving and understanding partner in the future.

In any event, the best way for him to understand your mental illness is for someone to explain it to him. The fact that you both suffer from some levels of mental illness militates in favor of counseling or therapy, honestly.

 

[isny]

Is it weird to go to couples therapy when you're really young tho? He's 21, I'm 22. We've been together for 2 years now. I almost wonder if a doctor would think what us trying to save this is laughable. :/

I never really imagined it getting to this point but we've done so much shitty shit to each other that the amount of bitterness and resentment thats built up is astounding. There is never an argument where we don't spew the past in each others faces. We also live together which makes this all the more frustrating to deal with.

My biggest issue overall is that I find I'm struggling with the fact that he doesn't understand what so ever that I struggle a lot with mental illness. He's known about it since we first started dating and used to be incredibly understanding but now he makes fun of me for it and doesn't take it seriously. He believes my illness is just a ploy towards him when it isn't at all. My family understands me being sick and so do my best friends but my boyfriend doesn't get it. I've talked him through how to help me and what exactly I need from him to help support me so I can progress through it but in the end it just feels like he resents me for being sick and bullies me for it. I never did that to him when he first told me about his severe OCD. I helped him through it and now he's progressed so much that instead of it taking him 3 hours to go to sleep, it takes him less than 10 minutes. This issue is probably my biggest problem with him. He makes me feel broken and like I'll never meet his expectations. He makes assumptions about me all the time and belittles my feelings on top of it all. He makes me feel beneath him and like I'm an emotional science experiment for him to pick apart when all I want from him is stop bullying me and take my illness seriously.

If you feel therapy will help there's no reason not to try.

If I was your friend and you told me all of this however I'd tell you to bail out.

 

[gaiages]

Is it weird to go to couples therapy when you're really young tho? He's 21, I'm 22. We've been together for 2 years now. I almost wonder if a doctor would think what us trying to save this is laughable. :/

I never really imagined it getting to this point but we've done so much shitty shit to each other that the amount of bitterness and resentment thats built up is astounding. There is never an argument where we don't spew the past in each others faces. We also live together which makes this all the more frustrating to deal with.

My biggest issue overall is that I find I'm struggling with the fact that he doesn't understand what so ever that I struggle a lot with mental illness. He's known about it since we first started dating and used to be incredibly understanding but now he makes fun of me for it and doesn't take it seriously. He believes my illness is just a ploy towards him when it isn't at all. My family understands me being sick and so do my best friends but my boyfriend doesn't get it. I've talked him through how to help me and what exactly I need from him to help support me so I can progress through it but in the end it just feels like he resents me for being sick and bullies me for it. I never did that to him when he first told me about his severe OCD. I helped him through it and now he's progressed so much that instead of it taking him 3 hours to go to sleep, it takes him less than 10 minutes. This issue is probably my biggest problem with him. He makes me feel broken and like I'll never meet his expectations. He makes assumptions about me all the time and belittles my feelings on top of it all. He makes me feel beneath him and like I'm an emotional science experiment for him to pick apart when all I want from him is stop bullying me and take my illness seriously.

My god are you dating my ex?

I was in a relationship so much like yours I can imagine all your scenarios. It ended up being a really toxic thing... we'd both just yell at each other about past shit, and he'd constantly belittle mental illnesses in general as 'inferior' to physical disabilities, which led me to straight up hide some sever depression. He'd make me feel like shit constantly, like my feelings didn't matter because "I was on my period" or "I was PMSing" or I shit you not "Oh well it's your after-period so you're just being unreasonable" (???). Then eventually I'd snap and yell at him about his lack of job and make him feel like shit and cry in return.

It was a horribly toxic thing, and one that really had to end. We thought we could fix it when we moved, if we started having sex more, once we were financially stable, and on and on... but eventually all the bad opened up a huge rift in the relationship that could never be mended.

The only difference between my old relationship and yours is that mine lasted almost 8 years, and we spent at least half (if not more) hating each other. That relationship led to decisions that literally put my life on hold for multiple years, and I've only finally been able to get back on track earlier this year. I still don't have a Bachelor's degree, for example.

But now I'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy that really respects me and my feelings, and things are going *a lot* better. I'm a lot happier, and while there have been a few small arguments (that we usually get over in like an hour or two), it's nothing like it used to be.

You shouldn't feel horrible when you're in a relationship. You flat out shouldn't. You're supposed to be happy with your SO, and enjoy being around them. If you're not, apart from the occasional argument, then it's a toxic relationship.

 

[InfiniteBento]

You've been together for two years. That's no longer a short-term relationship. There are providers that specialize in everything -- people who've been married for 50 years and those who are trying to negotiate medium-term into something long-term. My longest relationship lasted three years, for instance, and I'm ten years older than you are.

Additionally, you're telling me that you both: (1) need to improve communication skills, as you're engaging in "keeping score" and "scoring points"; and (2) need to better understand each other's psychosocial challenges. Just because you were easily able to understand his OCD (is it even diagnosed?) doesn't necessarily mean he'll be able to -- without proper guidance, especially from a person trained in presenting how those symptoms affect you -- do the same with your mental illness.

That said, it's a fucking red flag that he mocks you for it. Not understanding is one thing. Having difficulties coping with it is another. Disbelieving and mocking is beyond the pale entirely. Of course, it's also possible that either you're reading something into his frustration that's not entirely there. Or maybe he's just malicious sometimes now, with the potential to become a more loving and understanding partner in the future.

In any event, the best way for him to understand your mental illness is for someone to explain it to him. The fact that you both suffer from some levels of mental illness militates in favor of counseling or therapy, honestly.

He is diagnosed. His parents were both very frustrated by it for a long time but were unable to help him and refused to pay for therapy to further help him (they didn't want to acknowledge the problem because then they would in turn blame themselves for it so they played the whole "its all in your head" card). I did my best and it worked out really well.

I understand him not being equipped with the ability to help, if anything I'd prefer if he just admitted to not knowing how to help me than to keep playing this card of "I know what to do but still don't do it". His arrogance gets in the way and is led on by his ignorance. The mocking is what ruins me above all else. He will mimic me when we argue or point out things I do because of my illness saying how I "have a pattern" because of it. He teases me. Repeats what I say or makes gestures and voices. No matter how much I cry from it and beg him to stop, he still does it every time we fight.

His logic is "the more you ask for help, the less you will get from me" and I know its fueled by resentment.

Even with all of this, I know that if we end, I'll regret it. I can feel it in my bones. He wants to work through all of this despite our problems but I'm feeling hopeless and defeated. Maybe I should look into therapy. I don't know how expensive it can be though so that worries me too.

 

[Philippo]

So, my date from yesterday was so good, after that she even came back to my workplace to see me wasn't there sadly).
While this is definitely a good sign, i don't know how to proceed now.
If it were for me, i'd already ask her to go out once more, but i reckon it might sound a bit desperate.
Also we're both leaving for our respective towns the 21 and won't get to see each others before half January, so i'd like to get further with this thing while the iron is hot.
What to do?

 

[Miles Quaritch]

So, my date from yesterday was so good, after that she even came back to my workplace to see me wasn't there sadly).
While this is definitely a good sign, i don't know how to proceed now.
If it were for me, i'd already ask her to go out once more, but i reckon it might sound a bit desperate.
Also we're both leaving for our respective towns the 21 and won't get to see each others before half January, so i'd like to get further with this thing while the iron is hot.
What to do?

Asking for a second date quickly after the first isn't desperate. At all.

Strike now. Strike while the iron is hot.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

He is diagnosed. His parents were both very frustrated by it for a long time but were unable to help him and refused to pay for therapy to further help him (they didn't want to acknowledge the problem because then they would in turn blame themselves for it so they played the whole "its all in your head" card). I did my best and it worked out really well.

I understand him not being equipped with the ability to help, if anything I'd prefer if he just admitted to not knowing how to help me than to keep playing this card of "I know what to do but still don't do it". His arrogance gets in the way and is led on by his ignorance. The mocking is what ruins me above all else. He will mimic me when we argue or point out things I do because of my illness saying how I "have a pattern" because of it. He teases me. Repeats what I say or makes gestures and voices. No matter how much I cry from it and beg him to stop, he still does it every time we fight.

His logic is "the more you ask for help, the less you will get from me" and I know its fueled by resentment.

Even with all of this, I know that if we end, I'll regret it. I can feel it in my bones. He wants to work through all of this despite our problems but I'm feeling hopeless and defeated. Maybe I should look into therapy. I don't know how expensive it can be though so that worries me too.

Yeah, after hearing all of this, I'm inclined to agree with gaiages... this goes beyond insensitivity and ignorance to outright, conscious malice.

 

[InfiniteBento]

So is this beyond the point of even therapy then?

All of this is sending my anxiety through the roof.

edit: I'm forced to stay in this apartment because of finances. I don't begin my new job until the new year so I'm wondering If I should give couples therapy a shot as a last resort and if nothing is different by the time I'm financially stable then I cut all ties entirely.

 

[Bruce Springsteen]

Heard it before, been "improving" myself in the gym for two years, consistently one of the buffer dudes in there, and not being a douche about it. Finished my studies, have a good job with good salary, nice sports car and sports bike, I have a good friend circle, I even have a black belt in taekwondo to my name.

Honestly I'm not even sure how I CAN improve myself at this point without literally being obsessive about it and filling my time schedule to the point of being unhealthy.

The age old question "would you date yourself?" Yes. I would date the hell out of myself.

This is not a stealth brag post, or even a not-stealth-at-all brag post. I'm defending my point, I DONT GET IT.

Sorry guys, just needing to vent right now.

Personality

I'm not doubting anything you said in you post but if you're not interesting as a person to a girl none of that is going to mean much

 

[gaiages]

So is this beyond the point of even therapy then?

All of this is sending my anxiety through the roof.

edit: I'm forced to stay in this apartment because of finances. I don't begin my new job until the new year so I'm wondering If I should give couples therapy a shot as a last resort and if nothing is different by the time I'm financially stable then I cut all ties entirely.

1. Couples therapy costs money. If anything, it'll make you financially more unstable.

2. There are plenty of alternatives financial wise for home replacements, particularly for a woman. Not that I would recommend that right now, but know that if it's unbearable for whatever reason, there are temporary places to go to while you look for a new place.

3. Who's on the lease anyway?

 

[ElephantShell]

I've never posted in this thread before but I've been following along for a while. I went on a date with a girl who is a friend of a friend and it went really well. We agreed that we should do something again soon via text a couple days later.

This is right in the middle of the exam period for us and she works a lot, and I've heard from our mutual friend that she gets stressed out and overwhelmed by work and school so I said something to the effect of "let me know when you get a free day and we should do something", not wanting her to feel pressure on top of her already busy schedule of much more important things.

I'm feeling like this wasn't the right move. Should I have suggested a day and been more straight forward with setting up something? If I don't hear from her soon should I mention it again or is that too pushy?

 

[Salamando]

I've never posted in this thread before but I've been following along for a while. I went on a date with a girl who is a friend of a friend and it went really well. We agreed that we should do something again soon via text a couple days later.

This is right in the middle of the exam period for us and she works a lot, and I've heard from our mutual friend that she gets stressed out and overwhelmed by work and school so I said something to the effect of "let me know when you get a free day and we should do something", not wanting her to feel pressure on top of her already busy schedule of much more important things.

I'm feeling like this wasn't the right move. Should I have suggested a day and been more straight forward with setting up something? If I don't hear from her soon should I mention it again or is that too pushy?

Being more straight forward is always a good idea. Asking a girl to "let [you] know when you get a free day and we should do something" isn't anything. It's not plans, it's not the promise of plans, and it puts the onus on the girl to make plans.

Ask her out on the Saturday/Monday/whatever after exams to celebrate. It won't be pushy...it'll be setting up plans you already agreed to make.

 

[ElephantShell]

Being more straight forward is always a good idea. Asking a girl to "let [you] know when you get a free day and we should do something" isn't anything. It's not plans, it's not the promise of plans, and it puts the onus on the girl to make plans.

Ask her out on the Saturday/Monday/whatever after exams to celebrate. It won't be pushy...it'll be setting up plans you already agreed to make.

Cheers buddy thanks for the advice.

 

[Moff]

We also live together which makes this all the more frustrating to deal with.

How long have you lived together? Has it gotten worse since then?
In my experience, moving in together is a whole new playfield and puts every relationship to the test. not only couples but roommates as well.

it was the same when me and my ex moved in together, all I can say is that it took a lot of patience, understanding and compromise from both sides until it worked out smoothly. arguing is normal, and it isn't even really important what is argued about, in my experience it's more important how both deal with the needs of the other and their own.

 

[InfiniteBento]

1. Couples therapy costs money. If anything, it'll make you financially more unstable.

2. There are plenty of alternatives financial wise for home replacements, particularly for a woman. Not that I would recommend that right now, but know that if it's unbearable for whatever reason, there are temporary places to go to while you look for a new place.

3. Who's on the lease anyway?

Once I start my new job Ill have a little more to invest in therapy. Just moving out is far too costly right now especially since my credit is shit.

And the least is between him, me and his father.

How long have you lived together? Has it gotten worse since then?
In my experience, moving in together is a whole new playfield and puts every relationship to the test. not only couples but roommates as well.

it was the same when me and my ex moved in together, all I can say is that it took a lot of patience, understanding and compromise from both sides until it worked out smoothly. arguing is normal, and it isn't even really important what is argued about, in my experience it's more important how both deal with the needs of the other and their own.

We've lived together for 6 months. Its been on and off with arguing since moving in together. Lately its been incredibly awful. I'm starting to feel like maybe therapy would be worth a shot.

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

Yeah, after hearing all of this, I'm inclined to agree with gaiages... this goes beyond insensitivity and ignorance to outright, conscious malice.

Yeah, pretty much echo you two. Doesn't sound like there's really much to salvage it's just toxic and isn't beneficial to either party.

 

[InfiniteBento]

After reaching out to a lot of friends and family to ask for different perspectives, I think I'm going to talk to him about therapy for us, along with individual therapy.

It'll be the last push effort. If this ends up being fruitless then I'll at least have given it everything I've got and can move forward with a clear conscience.

 

[isny]

After reaching out to a lot of friends and family to ask for different perspectives, I think I'm going to talk to him about therapy for us, along with individual therapy.

It'll be the last push effort. If this ends up being fruitless then I'll at least have given it everything I've got and can move forward with a clear conscience.

Good luck.

I'd suggest also do some research into abuse in relationships. As far as I'm aware, if someone is abusive no amount of therapy will change that, it'll only end up being suppressed before it eventually comes out again.

 

[vern]

So what do you do when you love someone to the point where you feel it in your bones but your communication is such garbage that you both have torn each other to shreds?

Do you salvage it or let it go?

Where do you draw the line when you know you're madly in love with someone but things between you two are toxic from fighting?

This past year has been 75% arguing and no matter how much we sit and talk things out, we always end up arguing again over and over. It feels like the same cycle of fighting, talking, things are normal for a few days or a week, then repeat.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Honestly, I feel like relationships should be about building each other up, supporting each other, being happy together.

I know it's impossible for it to be like that 100% of the time, but according to your post it's more like 25% of the time, the other 75 is tearing each other down.

Ask yourself what benefit you receive from a dude who pulls you down 3/4 of the time. I guess not much. No matter how much you love him, imagine the weight that will be lifted when you aren't spending the majority of your time arguing, hurling accusations, defending yourself, etc.

I know it's easy for me to say you should bail, I don't know you or him, but there are so many people out there. You can find one that makes you better instead of actively tries to make you worse.

 

[InfiniteBento]

Honestly, I feel like relationships should be about building each other up, supporting each other, being happy together.

I know it's impossible for it to be like that 100% of the time, but according to your post it's more like 25% of the time, the other 75 is tearing each other down.

Ask yourself what benefit you receive from a dude who pulls you down 3/4 of the time. I guess not much. No matter how much you love him, imagine the weight that will be lifted when you aren't spending the majority of your time arguing, hurling accusations, defending yourself, etc.

I know it's easy for me to say you should bail, I don't know you or him, but there are so many people out there. You can find one that makes you better instead of actively tries to make you worse.

Its not 75% shit. Its just that when we argue things escalate far more than what they need to. We talked tonight and he finally admitted he isn't equip to handle my mental illness but wants to better understand. We are taking time apart to think about things and decide if we will try therapy.

 

[Llyranor]

Infinite, reading through your posts, there are major red flags and the relationship does sound toxic. But if you are *both* willing to work on it (not just on your end) + couple therapy (your age shouldn't factor into this IF you really think the relationship is worthwhile), it is not necessarily unsalvageable.

Two things jump out at me.
1) You've moved in together for 6 months. Many relationships can break at this critical step. Proper communication and compromise is crucial when you're living with someone, but some couples neglect those aspects.
2) You've helped him with his OCD, whereas your mental illness is relatively 'worse'. Maybe he thinks he's better than you at this point. That's incredibly crappy if so, especially since you helped him. Even more so because he mocks you for it when he should be understanding of the challenges of mental illness. This is a massive red flag, imho.

What do you argue about? Who instigates it?

 

[InfiniteBento]

Infinite, reading through your posts, there are major red flags and the relationship does sound toxic. But if you are *both* willing to work on it (not just on your end) + couple therapy (your age shouldn't factor into this IF you really think the relationship is worthwhile), it is not necessarily unsalvageable.

Two things jump out at me.
1) You've moved in together for 6 months. Many relationships can break at this critical step. Proper communication and compromise is crucial when you're living with someone, but some couples neglect those aspects.
2) You've helped him with his OCD, whereas your mental illness is relatively 'worse'. Maybe he thinks he's better than you at this point. That's incredibly crappy if so, especially since you helped him. Even more so because he mocks you for it when he should be understanding of the challenges of mental illness. This is a massive red flag, imho.

What do you argue about? Who instigates it?

We generally get into arguments about other people becoming involved in our relationship along with a lot of past damage and arguments we've had prior that most times aren't even relevant to what we're arguing about initially. Most arguments are us mutually attacking each other. We both get irritated about a subject or the other persons behavior, we have a difference of opinion on how the other person should handle their shit then war ensues. Its a big repetitive cycle. I get mad at him for disregarding my feelings and mocking me or trying to pick apart my actions like a 2deep4me science experiment paired with his narcissism + arrogance , he gets mad because he believes I'm not sympathetic/apologetic enough (which is courteous of my mental illness mind you) and feels I don't acknowledge my part of the problems enough.

He believes I'm unaware of how he feels when I'm entirely aware but battling him along with being mentally sick is extremely difficult for me. I get so fed up with arguing that I eventually just shut off and tell him I don't care anymore and just ignore him. I know its unhealthy but my brain feels like its being processed through a blender lately. All I want from him is affection and concern for what's going on with me but all I get is criticism, assumptions, and expectations I can never meet. The constant arguing has left me mentally exhausted and anxious beyond anything else.

We're bigger than all of this and I know it but somehow we've become tangled up in a web of bitterness and resentment towards each other. It's pretty fucking tragic.

 

[Daria]

It's 3am where I am, finals are in two days and I'm listening to Adele's 25 in full for the first time. all of this is a bad mix.

Laying in bed thinking about how an ex of almost 4 years on/off is damn near to the point of moving on with someone else. i gave it all up in the middle of a bad time in my life when i wasn't sure what i wanted and was scared to commit. i wish more people were cool with platonic friendships after being in relationships. it's a lot harder to try to act like somebody just doesn't exist. I don't understand that. sorry for the derailing of the thread.

 

[Interface23]

It's 3am where I am, finals are in two days and I'm listening to Adele's 25 in full for the first time. all of this is a bad mix.

Laying in bed thinking about how an ex of almost 4 years on/off is damn near to the point of moving on with someone else. i gave it all up in the middle of a bad time in my life when i wasn't sure what i wanted and was scared to commit. i wish more people were cool with platonic friendships after being in relationships. it's a lot harder to try to act like somebody just doesn't exist. I don't understand that. sorry for the derailing of the thread.

One person will have more feeling than the other, that's why platonic relationships are hard after intimate ones.

 

[Reckoner]

lol no, that's not true at all.



Just... ask her out when you get a chance? I feel like you're starting to blow this out of proportion.

I'm a bit anxious since it's been almost a week since we had contact with each other and I still haven't made a move because I haven't had the chance. Like, today, I couldn't get to talk to her and tomorrow is my day off. Yes. Again.

I mean, this week I'm sure the chance will come, but I'm a bit frustrated and really need to get things done so I can relax about this.

 

[gaiages]

Its not 75% shit. Its just that when we argue things escalate far more than what they need to. We talked tonight and he finally admitted he isn't equip to handle my mental illness but wants to better understand. We are taking time apart to think about things and decide if we will try therapy.

No offense, but didn't he already say that in the past, or something similar?

Don't you see the cycle here?

 

[electricshake]

No offense, but didn't he already say that in the past, or something similar?

Don't you see the cycle here?

Yup the whole thing just sounds toxic. I can't imagine being in a relationship with constant fighting, especially if you keep bringing up the same things. I mean the past is the past, at some point you just need to let things go - you can't change what has already happened so why keep rehashing it? Someone does something wrong, they apologise and you either accept it and move on from it or you end the relationship.

 

[Sami+]

Whatever you decide to do Bento I hope it goes well for you. I agree with what others are saying in response but it's your decision in the end and I just wish the best either way.

I sadly don't have much new to share. It's been over a month since I've last seen Tori lol. Nobody's really seen her other than her roommates. Last we talked over text she said she's been enjoying time alone which I personally think is kind of insane and I just can't bring myself to understand, but whatever. What's mind numbingly depressing and awful for me is enjoyable for her I guess. I asked if she wanted to spend Christmas together since otherwise we'd both just have a lonely, boring holiday (my parents are Muslim, I'm atheist but enjoy the festivities) and she just said maybe. Which probably means no. Letting this one go. ¯_(&#12484_/¯

Sucks and I'm sad about it but cest la vie better luck next time lots of fish yada yada

 

[Philippo]

Looks like i snagged a second date from my college class-mate.
Try to see if she want's to do lunch at a Indian/Eastern restaurant this Wednesday.

Also, i really really want to kiss her but i know myself, i'm too shy to try that out of nothing, so would something like a kiss on the forehead while parting a nice breaking the ice kinda thing?

 

[gaiages]

Looks like i snagged a second date from my college class-mate.
Try to see if she want's to do lunch at a Indian/Eastern restaurant this Wednesday.

Also, i really really want to kiss her but i know myself, i'm too shy to try that out of nothing, so would something like a kiss on the forehead while parting a nice breaking the ice kinda thing?

I mean, if that's really all you can muster up, it's better than nothing, but I'd recommend going in for the full kiss if you can.

 

[isny]

Looks like i snagged a second date from my college class-mate.
Try to see if she want's to do lunch at a Indian/Eastern restaurant this Wednesday.

Also, i really really want to kiss her but i know myself, i'm too shy to try that out of nothing, so would something like a kiss on the forehead while parting a nice breaking the ice kinda thing?

I'd say either go for it or don't.

It's like jumping into cold water. The more you do it the less you're in your head about it and you'll jump as opposed to building it up in your head and tiptoeing in and out until it's too late and you have to leave the beach/pool/etc. and you have to wait til next time to swim.

 

[Philippo]

I mean, if that's really all you can muster up, it's better than nothing, but I'd recommend going in for the full kiss if you can.

I'd say either go for it or don't.

It's like jumping into cold water. The more you do it the less you're in your head about it and you'll jump as opposed to building it up in your head and tiptoeing in and out until it's too late and you have to leave the beach/pool/etc. and you have to wait til next time to swim.

I wasn't strictly talking about doing both in the same occasion, just a little, simplier kiss to break the tension, but not for her, for me.
Every time i went out with someone, i wasn't able to try and kiss them, so i thought that maybe this time i could just try a little step that could both boost my confidence a little and at the same time a nice gesture for her.