As a 29 male in a city with a population of a few hundred thousand, it was a waste of money. I met a grand total of one girl on it. I was also on OKCupid, and I fared far better there, even with the same single picture.
Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.
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As a 29 male in a city with a population of a few hundred thousand, it was a waste of money. I met a grand total of one girl on it. I was also on OKCupid, and I fared far better there, even with the same single picture.
Oh I thought that eharmory was free.
I do have an OKCupid account but I don't feel like I am getting anywhere with it and just wanted to widen the net.
It's free to sign up for, but if you want to see pictures of girls or message them (unless it's a free weekend), you gotta pay. It's also fairly pricey at that.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
I can't do it man, I'm so nervous about it. Like more nervous than going up to a girl in person, how crazy is that?
InfiniteBento
Member
So me and my ex split about 2 weeks ago. It's been a whirlwind for my own self improvement. I've let go of my anger, I've started meditating and practicing yoga at home (need to invest in a new yoga mat tho cause blankets suck), I've started dancing more at home along with all of that as a fun form of cardio, I've reached out to a local mental health clinic which accepts out of pocket payments, I've reached out to everyone I hurt during my downfall and apologized, reached out to my school about all the days in class I missed and am working towards correcting my education. Currently hanging out with my mother whom I havent seen in 10 months. Ran into my brother who we both haven't seen in 4 years yesterday too.
I've realized a lot over these weeks. I went through the seven stages of grief pretty much. I've made the conscious decision to let go of being angry. I let my emotions from my mental illness consume me and permit me to dive further into my self hatred but now I am taking every conscious step towards correcting it to grow stronger. I'm learning to understand empathy and embrace it instead of casting judgment.
It's been extremely hard but after admitting weakness, I feel free for the first time in the past year. A lot of the weight on my shoulders was from my own nonsense. I cast responsibility of me being sick onto my relationship and made a lot of mistakes but I'm learning to grow from them. I still wholeheartedly am consumed by the love I have for my ex but after he told me he isn't in love with me anymore, all I can do is move forward. My feelings still live on inside me but I'm learning to love myself just as much as I loved him.
Things will only get better from here. I know it.
I've realized a lot over these weeks. I went through the seven stages of grief pretty much. I've made the conscious decision to let go of being angry. I let my emotions from my mental illness consume me and permit me to dive further into my self hatred but now I am taking every conscious step towards correcting it to grow stronger. I'm learning to understand empathy and embrace it instead of casting judgment.
It's been extremely hard but after admitting weakness, I feel free for the first time in the past year. A lot of the weight on my shoulders was from my own nonsense. I cast responsibility of me being sick onto my relationship and made a lot of mistakes but I'm learning to grow from them. I still wholeheartedly am consumed by the love I have for my ex but after he told me he isn't in love with me anymore, all I can do is move forward. My feelings still live on inside me but I'm learning to love myself just as much as I loved him.
Things will only get better from here. I know it.
Jason's Ultimatum
Member
Well, the couples date last night, my date was talking about her job at sprint, so my friend asked her, "oh, so you must be on your phone all the time!" She said all the time. It kinda hit me there. She only texts me back when I ask her if she wants to go out again, and when I'll be by her place to pick her up.
Afterwards, her and I head to downtown Dunedin and go to a bar. She's not as intimate this time as we were last week. Yeah, still holding hands, I have my hand on her back and sometimes my hand in her back pocket.
Then, her roommate shows up. Something tells me she texted him to come down, because i think it was a pretty big coincidence he showed up at the bar we were at. And for the record, she's not attracted to him. So now her attention is more focused on him than me.
He leaves for a smoke break, we're close to each other, and she said she'll get a ride back home with her roommate. I said are you sure? And she said yeah, also said to me if my intentions were to come over to her place. I told her I didn't feel like driving home and it'd be great to crash at her place. She said she's not a sleazy or easy girl to quickly jump in the sack with me.
So we all leave, and she kisses me.
I texted her 30 minutes ago clarifying my intentions with her. First, I said my friend and his wife had a good time and liked her. Then I said my intentions isn't to quickly get into her pants, and that I didn't sign up for tinder for that. I'm looking for something real, and I hope you are too. I also said about the physical part between the two of us, I don't care if it takes 5 or 10 more dates for that to happen, because I respect her and enjoy her company. The only question is, do you feel the same about me?
I don't care if I shot myself in the foot with that text. This was our third date. Was I prepared to go to her place last night? Sure. If she wasn't ready for that, then fine. I respect that.
I think three dates is enough to clarify where this is heading, because the money spent going out with her is draining, but she did pay for the last two drinks.
stn
Member
This is just my opinion, everyone feel free to critique it as you wish! When a person says this they basically want to sleep with you. They only say this so that they don't feel "cheap" about it. Also, it forces the other person to initiate, thus making it look like that person wants it more. The average person wants to have sex, they just don't want to feel "slutty" about it.
Basically, that was your chance to flirt with her and give a bit of a "wink wink" to help her feel at ease about closing the deal. Again, just IMO.
Jason's Ultimatum
Member
Well, I can assure you, she meant what she said. I honestly think pushing more would've done more harm than good.
Now the point you made about when a girl says that, they actually want to sleep with you? That does kinda make sense I guess. I guess it means she wants to have sex with me, but not so soon?
stn
Member
She's getting tired. She wants you to close the deal.
People do this in order to have the person they're interested in push harder. Its basically an obstacle designed to force you to make a strong move.
She either wants you to try harder or she's deliberately trying to kill physical tension. Since it was your third date and she bought you drinks (sign of legit interest and respect), I'm thinking its the latter.
Hopefully someone else chimes in, I'd like to hear another viewpoint. But I stand by my opinion.
I can attest to this. Not too long ago I went on a date with a lady and by the end of the date we wanted to keep hanging out so I asked if we could keep hanging out at her place since it was close to the bar we were at. Before we stepped inside she prefaced that she wasn't going to have sex with me in which I replied, "Of course, I had no expectations." A half hour of being there she gets all sexual and jumps on top of me and we start making out. We ended up not having sex because well I'm a gentleman and I still was respecting her wishes but we fooled around a little bit and I easily could have. We never ended up hanging out again because she texted me a couple days later saying she wasn't really feeling it even though we had fun together. It was no biggie but it's just funny how people can be so flip floppy.
This was really great to read! Thanks for sharing
RedVladimir
Banned
Indeed the study is not fully conclusive, hence why I added it at the end. It was meant as a foundation for my (extensive) anecdotal evidence.
Before I get into it, though, the study has made clear a relevant point worth noting:
This happens all the time. It's the same reason we fantasize about dating/having sex with the cute girl working at the bookstore because she flashed a smile at us, not realizing odds are she was just being friendly and doing her job.
This is generally not the case for women. It takes a bit more than that. (That said, women are still human, and if you are very attractive the same can apply.)
But this is the part of the study that focus should go into (if read entirely):
So yes, the study may not have been conclusive in determining the mechanism by which women gauge attraction by the level of response from the opposite sex, but it is factually clear it is NOT the same as men. (I'd hate to pull a burden of proof at this argument from ignorance, but you know how it is.)
But the whole premise of my posts about texting is that the former scenario (less or varying degrees of perceived investment/responsiveness), in my experience, is the most effective, despite the study saying that some may not be affected by this.
When texting, since its main focus is (and should be) light banter & logistics, you have to demonstrate a level of "social fluidity" so you may move from playful, flirty, interesting to directive, all without putting all your eggs in one basket. That is why it's so important to muddle your level of interest while texting, because in being all of that you give too much away; when all the heavy-lifting should be done while on a date, in person. So thinking like we do when texting will not help; and what men want (as implied in the study) is to be texted immediately, with equal or more effort, and with a equal or more level of interest, all which are signs of reciprocity, femininity and last but not least, attraction.
But women are not that simple minded, thankfully.
(I often think what the world would be like if women had our level of testosterone, though. World population would be in the 20 billions and the CEO of Tinder would have more cash than the US Treasury.
)I can't do it man, I'm so nervous about it. Like more nervous than going up to a girl in person, how crazy is that?
???
How are you going to meet anyone online if you're too nervous to even message them? What do you think will happen, that they'll stalk you and ridicule your use of emotes or something?
I'm glad things are going better for you
RedVladimir
Banned
Yup. Like I said in my original reply to you, you are in damage control mode.
Dwindling intimacy is not good, but not terrible either.
That said, genuine indifference is the kiss of death of any relationship, not anger. That's why couples can survive physical cheating, but not truly falling for someone else.
She probably did text him. I'm willing to bet she did. She may not like him (which, if even she told you so, can always be a lie), but she clearly used him to escape.
It probably won't.
You should have made a move long time ago.
You met this girl off of Tinder. If you really believe that is a good source of relationship-seeking girls, you are naive. Let me tell you what happened:
You met off Tinder, a prominent looks-based hook-up app. She clearly liked what she saw, that's why she met you. Your first date went well, but you didn't kiss(?). You texted back to her immediately, maybe even more so. You planned a second date (which you probably initiated and paid for), that's probably the one that got a little more physical. But even then, as evidenced by your posts in the thread, her investment dropped off considerably (something happened on the second date, if you tell me how it went, I may be able to identify what it was). And now we have this 3rd couple's date that ended with her roommate mysteriously running into her and her leaving with him.
My takeaway is, you were overtly invested in this and she saw right through that. You failed to make a move when necessary. She wanted you to make the move, but you seemingly had so much riding on this, so much invested in a potential future with a girl you've yet to see naked, that it crippled your thinking. It didn't occur to you that maybe she wanted you to push that resistance, to see if you were a man that went after what he wanted? You met this girl off of Tinder. And the others are right, girls often say this to be "taken", as bizarre as it may sound. 3 dates averages out to 6-9 hours. What could you possibly talk about anymore before getting physical?
I would say, move onto the next one. And if you won't do that, as I know you won't, at least follow my advice: do not actively contact her. Let her come to you. If I'm right, she will rarely--if ever--initiate contact, and you'll get the message and truly move on.
You are right on the money my friend.
The only thing I would disagree with is the part that she wanted him to make a move on this 3rd date. I think when she brought up him coming back to her place, it was only to reaffirm to herself the estimation of his level of investment. Kind of like a way to verify that she knew what he wanted all along but never took when he should have. I don't think there was a chance at that moment, especially not with the impressively opportune roommate she "doesn't like."
I honestly think your advice is great other than the 'keep them guessing' part. I still think playing mind games is a poor way to start a dating and possible relationship with someone.
I think the real message here is to take care of yourself first, have other shit going on in your life, and not be so needy especially for a girl you don't know so well. You don't have to time your text responses in certain ways or whatever, just don't be too invested at first.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
Hahahaha worked up the balls to message this girl that had liked me
Finally got something perfect
"Mailbox full"
FML
Finally got something perfect
"Mailbox full"
FML
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
I asked someone if they had any plans this weekend and responded they are free tomorrow afternoon. Does this mean they want to meet up?
Also, it doesn't seem like I'll be able to be friends with the woman from before. She always seems uneasy and has kind of a weird obsession with age which is annoying.
Also, it doesn't seem like I'll be able to be friends with the woman from before. She always seems uneasy and has kind of a weird obsession with age which is annoying.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
Yeah I'd say so. In my experience people who want to get across the message they don't want to meet up usually go on and on about how busy they are.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
I just didn't mean it in that context. I wasn't looking to hangout this weekend that's why I'm wondering if she took it as that.
Possibly. "Do you have any plans this weekend" is a wishy-washy indirect way of asking someone out.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Hmm, what's a better way to ask someone without implying to meet up? I meant it like a coworker asking if you were doing anything over the weekend.
Asked her if she wanted to get something to drink tomorrow :/ Should have just pretended I didn't see it.
Jason's Ultimatum
Member
Well,
1. She just moved down from Wisconsin, so I can kinda see her using a social dating app to meet a guy.
2. How did the the second date go? It was amazing. On our first date, she was wondering about any good sushi restaurants. I texted her couple days later and told her I'm going to take her out for dinner, but it's a surprise. We went to a great sushi joint.
Afterwards, we go next door to a outdoor bar. Now she's really getting comfortable around me. She's holding my hand. We sit up at the bar I have my hand between her thighs, or caressing her thighs. I'm making her laugh, she swings her head against mine. We drive to downtown Dunedin and bar hop. We're very close to each other. She asks me the most embarrassing thing that's happened to me in public. She tells me hers. She goes in for the kiss. We're making out in front of the bar. Outside on my car we make out again. And again when we're parked in front of her apartment.
Now something important I forgot to mention. During the back and forth about her asking if I had any intentions going to her place to sleep with her, I can't remember all the details, but she brought up tinder, and something along the lines of being one of her tinder girls and sleeping with her.
That's why I'm confident she was being serious and didn't want to think she was easy, and she's not like that.
Oh, and supposedly her roommate got blew off from a tinder date himself. She was even telling me a story earlier in the night about an awful woman that came over to their place to have sex with her roommate, and how awkward it was.
Its funny because before her roommate showed up at the bar, we were talking about selfies, and how I hate my picture being taken. She's then smiling and parting my hair with her hand.
And before or after the talk, which I think after, because her roommate was taking a smoke break, she was stroking my chin. We all leave, she's holding my hands, we kiss, and that's it.
So since I texted her earlier today with what I said to you guys already, she hasn't responded back. She did work a 9am-9pm today due to her going out with me last night, so I'm sure she's exhausted, but she could've texted me like on her break.
I wont respond back with another text at least for a couple of days. That's when I'll say my goodbyes and move on. But hopefully she responds back tomorrow.
Huh, just reporting one hell of a night.
So, my ice skating date was blown off, she came too late and it closed, so instead we just hit a bar, took a few glasses of wine, sat on a near pier and talked a lot.
Then a bit of kissing came, it actually started from her with a kiss on the cheek in the middle of the conversation.
Then she told me "listen, i just recently came out from a long and bad relationship, so now i'm trying to be a bit more free and i'm actually seeing someone else", at which i replied that for now i don't care, if atm we find well with each other i have no problem with it, and if a time to decide has to come, it's definitely too early for that.
Then i walked with her for a while, parted ways (she had to meet a few collegues) with some more kissing, we both leave for our cities tomorrow and won't see each other for 3 weeks.
After 10mins on my way home she calls me, her friends blew her off, asked me to meet her again. Huh, did not expected that. Went back to the same bar, drinked something more, making out became a bit more intense, and as a joke i told her what if we go to my house to watch a movie, she actually said yes. Holy shit it's happening?
We hit home, grab a couple of beers, after less than 20 min the movie's already forgotten (it was The Fucking Phantom Menace for fucks sake).
And then
Which was my first time.
And this part was awful, i was too tense to actually make it work, couldn't focus, didn't get any sort of feedback on what i was doing etc. But i won't go further, idk if we have a Sex-gaf, which maybe it'd be more appropriate
Just hope she isn't super disappointed by my actions...
In the end we just slept together, super nice (although man it's too hard to find a comfortable way of sleeping with a woman between your hands).
Said goodbye once more, but i have a feeling she'll ask me to see each other again before tomorrow.
That's it, just passed to say i had an excalation i literally not imagined of, and it's nice for once to see things going well.
Sparkedglory
Member
Haven't posted here in a while. Good ending to a 7 month adventure with the girl that turned me down before in a terrible way. We basically sat down and talked about everything again. She told me that she really did have feelings or me but her family would never allow it, and that she was sorry for anything she's ever done in the past. I won't go into two many details, but a lot of stuff got talked about and it ended with a makeout session and us agreeing to keep it like that and just end it there...so...we're friends? That just happened to have feelings for eachother. I can live with that ending. Closure to me personally at least.
stn
Member
Girls will usually look to meet other girls as friends first.
She's into you. Right next to her apartment.
She wanted to bang you. She just wanted reassurance that she could do so without being a "Tinder" girl. Again, most people want sex. They just don't want to feel like a cheap prostitute.
Again, she wants reassurance.
You focused on the wrong stuff. You had a girl making out with you and touching you all over the place. You instead focused on the usual "blah blah blah I don't just fuck any guy because I'm super special blah blah blah" story that everyone babbles. If you're making out with a girl, especially when its next to your apartment, that's a clear sign to take it further.
I'll be pleasantly surprised if she replies back. Either way, prepare to move on just in case. That means no sending texts.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Need some advice. What's the best way to convince someone that the girl who keeps blocking/unblocking him isn't into him and he should move on?
I've tried telling him politely she's fucking with him, but he keeps coming back with stupid shit about how they are keeping it casual and he's not investing when it's clear to anyone who takes even a passing interest that he's not only investing, he's letting feelings grow...
I've tried telling him politely she's fucking with him, but he keeps coming back with stupid shit about how they are keeping it casual and he's not investing when it's clear to anyone who takes even a passing interest that he's not only investing, he's letting feelings grow...
Seems like the only way for that person to learn is the hard way unfortunately.
Miles Quaritch
Member
I figured this would be the only way, but I still want to try and get him off that path as I know how long and miserable it can be, but nothing I've tried has worked. I'm tempted to just give up and let it run its course and help him out afterwards, but wanted to ask in here in case anyone had some advice I hadn't considered.
I asked the girl I've been speaking to out if she fancied grabbing a drink this week, she said her free time has all been booked up and jokingly said I was too late. She did however say she'll be about on Christmas Eve in our local town.
I can only assume her friends will be there, but perhaps this is still a good sign?
Thoughts?
I can only assume her friends will be there, but perhaps this is still a good sign?
Thoughts?
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Any suggestions for good tea/coffee places in NYC? She took me up on my offer :/ Need to think of stuff to talk to about too.
Any suggestions for good tea/coffee places in NYC? She took me up on my offer :/ Need to think of stuff to talk to about too.
I'm not a coffee/tea person, so I can't help you, but maybe this list can.
Also, don't try to prepare "conversation topics" beforehand. I think that stuff just ends up getting into your head and the conversation feels "forced." Let the conversation flow naturally. An awkward pause or two isn't going to kill you.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Yeah, still good to have one or two topics to get it going. Especially when we haven't talked much bedsides work.
Edit: They all seem to just be coffee. I want a decent place for teas that isn't an absurd tea house and really don't want to do Starbucks if possible
ZackieChan
Member
Yeah, still good to have one or two topics to get it going. Especially when we haven't talked much bedsides work.
Edit: They all seem to just be coffee. I want a decent place for teas that isn't an absurd tea house and really don't want to do Starbucks if possible
I just ask a lot of questions. People love to talk about themselves. Be an active listener and ask new questions based on their answers. Pray that she isn't boring.
Yeah, still good to have one or two topics to get it going. Especially when we haven't talked much bedsides work.
Edit: They all seem to just be coffee. I want a decent place for teas that isn't an absurd tea house and really don't want to do Starbucks if possible
Ahh sorry, thought you meant either coffee or tea spots.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
What do you do when a girl replies to your opening message with "Hahaha bless."
That sounds vaguely patronising to me...
That sounds vaguely patronising to me...
ZackieChan
Member
What was your opening message? I don't even know what "hahah bless." means.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
I did but I'm used to most having both and it would just be awkward if I got nothing.
Haha, last time we meet up she just talked nonstop got like 2 hours. I had no control of the conversation 😂
Found some place called bibble and sip so hopefully it's good.
Maybe my brother and his gf will come too since they're coming up to visit. We'll see.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
She had said she loves "sarcasm" and "holding a good conversation", and I replied something like "Would love to hold a good conversation with you, especially a sarcastic one" (Not a great opening line I know, but I'm working on it)
"bless" is a British thing I think, it's basically something you say when you find something sweet/cute, but do I want sweet or cute to be what she thinks? Haha
Considering replying "Hope that wasn't sarcastic!" aaaaah I am so bad at holding digital conversations
A good general rule I find towards writing anyone via texting or email that you are just getting acquainted with is to keep it always shorter than the message they sent you. I have far too many times gone too far with my messages in terms of length and I can tell for whatever reason it's a turn off. So yeah, keep you messages at first concise and to the point.
ZackieChan
Member
It's not a big deal. That's a super weird opening line, though. What about "Hello, how's it going?"?
peanutbutterlatte
Member
Well I've been super overthinking how to make open messages seem interesting, and I've been told by many that attractive women will receive "Hello, how's it going?" in their hundreds?
The super weird opener he gave is better than that generic "Hello, how's it going?" by a long shot.
If it means cute/sweet, I think you are good. Just follow up with another question/comment.
ZackieChan
Member
I guess I misunderstood. It sounded like this was someone you already knew - was this your opening message on an online dating site? Then yes, reflecting something interesting in their profile back to them is a great way to open. What you said was still a little weird, though. Maybe it's the odd sentence structure.
Most girls won't shoot questions back at you. It is really annoying, but just part of the game. Like GK says, it's up to you to keep the conversation going and asking more questions.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
Thanks guys. Yeah, it was my first message, the rest of her profile was so vague that I didn't really know what else to say.
Obviously GAF can't ghost write my entire conversation with a girl, but what question to ask next? Would "How's things" or "How are you spending your Christmas" be too dull?
I think the key is to be a little more mysterious and out in left field as they say. Ask her a super random question about something completely unrelated to anything, either way you have nothing to lose.
I usually follow these steps for an opener:
1) Something based off their profile. If they don't have anything interesting or no profile I then go to...
2) Something based off their photos. If that fails...
3) Random/Out of left field question (What is your spirit dinosaur?)
I would avoid the "How's things", "What's up?", "What are you up to?" type of questions.
The Christmas question isn't bad. I would frame it as "Ready for Christmas?"
peanutbutterlatte
Member
Not a bad strategy guys. Might try those 3 steps on girls who have a little more of a vague profile.
RedVladimir
Banned
As presumed, 2nd date was the one that got physical. Seems this was the date where you had an opening.
Why didn't you make the move? Usually what I do when this happens, which is rare by the way, as I always try to bring them to my place, is this: "What's an interesting thing you have at your place?" Or anchor it back to what went on in the date or previous date. For instance, if she said she loved a particular music genre, ask her: "So, do you have a XX collection?"
The idea is to go to their place under the pretenses you're doing something non-sexual. The implication, however, is clearly sexual.
Next morning, when her girl friends ask her how it went:
"Well, date was great. I showed him my classic rock collection, and one thing led to another..."
This "one thing led to another" is girl-talk for: "I reacted to his action." Women rarely make the move themselves, even if they want to. They certainly will bombard you with clues though, such as making out with you in front of their apartment.
Nooo!
This is much different than what I thought with the information I had. If she thinks she's somehow part of your repertoire of Tinder girls, then that explains the resistance to potentially being slut shamed. Basically, she doesn't want to be played by a player.
I think her issue is that you are not a player, as evident by your over-investment. The issue seems to be that you seem like pre-selected guy because you are clearly attractive, but your eager demeanor towards taking things slow and the statements you've made about seeking a "real" LTR with a Tinder girl, is all probably jarring to her.
It's like she wants to get really physical with the guy she's looking at, but the guy that's speaking to her seems to be placing an over-importance on taking things slow. In her mind, which is it? She's given plenty of chances for the former to make a move, but has since resigned and is now ignoring the latter...
Dude. There's no other way to say this: this girl wanted to fuck. How old is she?
You are making excuses for her again. Doesn't this girl work with phones all day? She has seen your texts, she has just decided to not respond. (How ironic.)
My advice, if you choose to accept it: Call her. Do it like this:
Send her a text, preferably when you know she'll be off work and chances of an excuse will be slim. Text: "I'll call you in a bit, pick up"
Then in 15 min. call her. Be calm, lower your voice, and try to be as unaffected as possible. Do NOT try to reason with her if the outcome is not what you want; she's a person and can very well have wanted to be with you but not any longer. This is not entirely up to you.
Regardless of the outcome, when you hit the Home button on your phone, Tinder better still be there...
RedVladimir
Banned
It really doesn't matter. I've opened girls on Tinder and OkCupid with:
"Do you think elephants can jump?"
Or
"You look like trouble"
Or my favorite:
"We should rob a bank together"
Do you think 1000 other guys are not doing the same thing? They've all looked at her profile for clues as to what to say. I usually use their profile information when I've already established some rapport and we've exchanged couple of messages. The best opening line is funny, light banter. And I prefer statements to questions. I don't even say Hi. I just assume the sale.
The real way to succeed in online dating, though, is in improving your pictures. That's why I hate online dating, it is very superficial. I've had success because I'm considered attractive, but at the end of the day nothing beats walking up to a girl that is not expecting it and just chat.
- Status