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[Skellig Gra]

Wow...you're not really helping yourself any more OP. The story is starting to scream "You made your bed, now lie in it."

That's pretty harsh. He can basically never see his kids and they think he doesn't love them. No one deserves that because they married the wrong person.

In 2016 I don't understand how we can be in a place where a failed relationship can mean a lifetime of payments. So it's better for a man to be trapped in a broken relationship and subject him to a lifetime of regret otherwise he'll face abject poverty in the prime years of his life knowing that any extra income he busts his ass to get will go to fund this other half of a failed relationship. That's no way to live life.

As horrible as the OPs situation is, there are reasons why these laws exists. Dead beat dads are a very real thing and they fucked it up for the decent men out there.

 

[Marty Chinn]

She's very pretty for one, and she has the tenancy to be very sweet at times but if you cross her she will destroy you. My family hated her my friends said she was closet crazy. I tried to break up with her in the beginning and she started crying and begging. I took her back and we argued about getting married every day. I had low self esteem and confidence and at the time pathetically was afraid so I married her 10 months after meeting her. About 2 months into the marriage I was going to ask for an divorce because she was insane but she said she was pregnant (while supposedly on the pill). Had my daughter and then we fought every single day about how she can't handle working and taking care of our child even though I worked just as much and had our baby half the time since we both worked 3 out of 7 days a week. We worked opposite.

If she wanted something or wasn't happy she would make everyone's lives hell.. I gave in all of the time because I had no backbone otherwise and wanted the fighting to stop... I dug my own grave unfortunately

Honestly? Because she's not very smart.. and I don't mean to be.. Mean but she doesn't know the difference between 1/2 cup and a 1/4th cup. She thought ducks were asexual, doesn't know the difference between horizontal and vertical... Told my 5 year old she can't help her with homework because she doesn't know what nouns are.

She even got pissed at me because on my taxes I'm claiming married but higher single rate because I thought the divorce would be over and I didn't want to claim married and then owe the IRS a ton of money. She said I only did it to make my checks lower to get rid of child support... I've explained numerous times that's not how it works but she says "no you're a liar and trying to get out of supporting your kids".

Fortunately for me the guardian even said " Mrs ********* is clearly not as intelligent as Mr. ********" to the judge (he said this behind closed doors infront of both lawyers and mine told me he said this" so I get to make 100% of all medical decisions.. But she gets to pick schools because she's the majority parent.. Ugh

Ugh, this sounds like a perfect example of where someone shouldn't have gotten married and all the signs were there to begin with and obvious. I know it's too late for the OP, but anyone else out there not yet married should pay attention to this. Don't marry out of infatuation and love alone. You need to let the honeymoon period die and also be smart about the decision. It always seems like a lot of divorces could have been avoided if people looked past the emotional aspect and looked at it smartly.

 

[Phyranion]

You didn't say where you live, but could it perhaps be The United States of America?

 

[dreamcastmaster]

She keeps saying she out her career aside to raise kids which is BS, she dropped out of school and I kept asking her to get a job and she wouldn't

My ex wife, exactly this. I really feel for you. There are far to woman that take advantage of laws designed to protect women from deadbeat dads. This is where equality also needs to be worked on. If women should have workplace equality then this maintenance and child support abuse needs to also be looked at.

 

[ElfArmy177]

You didn't say where you live, but could it perhaps be The United States of America?

The fair and just USA to you pal...

 

[TheExecutive]

meh. Sucks. Time to smuggle yourself out of the country.

 

[entremet]

meh. Sucks. Time to smuggle yourself out of the country.

He still wants to see and be involved with his three kids.

Not an option both ethically and practically for him.

 

[TheExecutive]

He still wants to see and be involved with his three kids.

Does he actually get that chance? Seems like he is working quite a bit and lost custodial rights...

 

[Anion]

That is a screwed up situation. Im so sorry to hear that

 

[water_wendi]

There is not one marriage ive personally known that has lasted. The reigning champ was my boss but that marriage ended last year. They dodged alimony for life by a whisker.

OP i wish you the best and that you come through as unscathed as possible.

 

[NastyBook]

I asked, he said because my ex knows I want to quit it I have to prove I got fired by actions I didn't take part in. I've contacted my director and hes trying to figure out a way to lay me off but he said he can't do anything illegal.

This entire sentence, I can't even. Best of luck, fella. Good fucking grief, to have to go those lengths...

 

[Meh3D]

Have you tried asking for advice on reddit? Might get a better response there.

You seriously need to stop opening your fucking mouth and only say what the lawyer tells you to or would want you to say. Anything you feel on impulse or emotion should not be said. So what if she recorded you calling her a bitch, she can record that any where. The guardian baited you and you took it.

As mush as I like the GAF you would have better chances on reddit. You may even find an activist lawyer there to commit to helping you through this. (Yes, activist lawyers exist for many causes.) Make sure you only discuss the ways you've fucked up in private.

 

[TheExecutive]

I guess the only thing you can do OP is find something on her that puts her viability as a parent into question. If she is trying to destroy you and you want to stick around and see your kids you should hire someone to look into her. Find a drug habit, risky behavior, or anything else that can begin the process of proving that she is an unfit parent. Cards are stacked against you but it's your only option to get any semblance of life back.

 

[Mendrox]

Long bitter horrible story. The whole divorce has been a disaster. I told her back when I asked for the divorce ill help her get a place and helped her get a job as a nurse technician again. She became incredibly bitter after 5 months into it and it became a circus. To answer how it started she punched me in the face during an argument which wasn't the first time and said if I don't like it, divorce her... So I did and now she's out for blood.

Intially I asked for shared parenting and I was still going to give her 1100 a month and she wanted more. When she said no she wanted full custody I fought for it like hell and lost because she was a stay home mom. Now since I fought she's even more furious and told me she hopes I kill myself. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone

Please do not get hurt by this witch. You are a good man with a good looking future. Nobody deservers to die, but after your story I wish her everything that is worse than death. Fuck this world. I can only wish you all my luck so that you get a good ground again - sorry! But always know that you are not alone.

 

[Shredderi]

That's pretty harsh. He can basically never see his kids and they think he doesn't love them. No one deserves that because they married the wrong person.



As horrible as the OPs situation is, there are reasons why these laws exists. Dead beat dads are a very real thing and they fucked it up for the decent men out there.

I'm super glad that these life destroying alimony/maintenance laws doesn't exist everywhere, no matter how good the original reason for the law's conception. The reason it's nightmarescary is because it's not that rare for this to happen. The law needs to be updated to modern times like fucking pronto. I would never get married in a state where this is even a remotely possible thing to happen.

If nothing else works and you finally find yourself on the brink of destruction, it's time to start destroying in kind.

 

[Kimawolf]

The fair and just USA to you pal...

I feel your pain. I spent 3 years and over 35k on a lawyer to get joint custody of my daughter. Left me in a tight situation for a long time because if I stopped paying for their schooling or tried to get her to do anything the lawyers told me it would reflect badly on me.

The lawyers are right though. Don't give up or give in. Sometimes things will work out. It did for me.

Yes USA has piss poor laws when it comes to marriage and child support. Men get screwed 9 times out of 10 unless you are prepared to spend every dime on a great lawyer.

 

[oneils]

I'm super glad that these life destroying alimony/maintenance laws doesn't exist everywhere, no matter how good the original reason for the law's conception. The reason it's nightmarescary is because it's not that rare for this to happen. The law needs to be updated to modern times like fucking pronto. I would never get married in a state where this is even a remotely possible thing to happen to men.

If nothing else works and you finally find yourself on the brink of destruction, it's time to start destroying in kind.

As far as I can tell, there is no court order with respect to this divorce. Everything in place, right now, is in place because he agreed to it or created conditions to make it possible. At least, that is how I'm interpreting it with the information he has provided.

 

[Weevilone]

Maintience is calculated before child support. In the past judges sometimes didn't allow maintience however Illinois changed their law last year stating maintaincen is mandatory now. Maintience can be up to 40% of your income, which is then added to child support which is 32% of your income.. Basically don't get married and have kids

If all the information is correct, I don't understand how she can get maintenance if the divorce resulted from her violence. No idea how a divorce with her being physically abusive can also result in her having full custody.

 

[BLOODED_hands]

I... What?! That sucks OP :'(

I truly wish things get better for you. I don't know about anything that can help you sadly.

 

[entremet]

I feel your pain. I spent 3 years and over 35k on a lawyer to get joint custody of my daughter. Left me in a tight situation for a long time because if I stopped paying for their schooling or tried to get her to do anything the lawyers told me it would reflect badly on me.

The lawyers are right though. Don't give up or give in. Sometimes things will work out. It did for me.

Yes USA has piss poor laws when it comes to marriage and child support. Men get screwed 9 times out of 10 unless you are prepared to spend every dime on a great lawyer.

It's mostly that they're based on economic projections that were drawn up in 50s/60s, vastly different economic realties back then.

Wage growth has cratered since the 70s and housing is way more expensive.

 

[water_wendi]

If all the information is correct, I don't understand how she can get maintenance if the divorce resulted from her violence. No idea how a divorce with her being physically abusive can also result in her having full custody.

If im reading things correctly there is no police record of the violence because she threatened self-harm if he called the police. No police report, it didnt happen as far as the courts are concerned.

 

[ElfArmy177]

If all the information is correct, I don't understand how she can get maintenance if the divorce resulted from her violence. No idea how a divorce with her being physically abusive can also result in her having full custody.

Because it's a no fault state unfortunately

 

[Lashley]

Wow, this really puts you off marriage.

 

[dreamcastmaster]

Wow, this really puts you off marriage.

No, this really makes you sign a prenup before marriage. If she won't sign then bye bye.

 

[Keri]

OP, do you think your wife could afford to take care of the children, with the lower payments? She's making 30k a year and the two of you have 3 children? It sounds clear to me that she's going to need child support and maintenance from you to get by, especially because she's trying to care for 3 children, with less than half of the money they're use to having.

Your situation really sucks, but if you were working two jobs for quite sometime before the divorce, I see the logic in having you continue, if it's necessary to care for the kids. Hopefully, that makes you feel better, knowing you're still doing this for your children and not really for your ex-wife.

 

[Kimawolf]

If all the information is correct, I don't understand how she can get maintenance if the divorce resulted from her violence. No idea how a divorce with her being physically abusive can also result in her having full custody.

Some judges believe honestly unless the wife is certified insane or has severe drug/criminal elements they simply think all women need help after a divorce, forever. It obviously isn't true, but sexist judges who think women can't survive on their own coupled with horrible laws makes it so.

Their is a "funny" saying my divorce/ custody lawyer would say " She cried—and the judge wiped her tears with your checkbook. ~

 

[Marty Chinn]

Wow, this really puts you off marriage.

It shouldn't. Read what their relationship was like before they got married. You could see this coming a mile away.

No, this really makes you sign a prenup before marriage. If she won't sign then bye bye.

A pre-nup wouldn't have prevented this.

 

[water_wendi]

No, this really makes you sign a prenup before marriage. If she won't sign then bye bye.

Afaik prenups only involve assets pre-marriage. And even then they are not ironclad.

 

[Greddleok]

That's pretty harsh. He can basically never see his kids and they think he doesn't love them. No one deserves that because they married the wrong person.

It's incredibly harsh, and his situation sucks, but damn how he managed to ignore every single sign along the way, and make mistake after mistake. Makes it real hard for me to sympathise.

 

[dreamcastmaster]

I don't know, there's no such thing as prenup in my country.

 

[dreamcastmaster]

Wow...you're not really helping yourself any more OP. The story is starting to scream "You made your bed, now lie in it."

It's incredibly harsh, and his situation sucks, but damn how he managed to ignore every single sign along the way, and make mistake after mistake. Makes it real hard for me to sympathise.

Look at Mr Perfect 20 20 hindsight here.

 

[GuessMyUserName]

All too familiar to me... from my own parents' relationship. Divorced since I was 4 and now the past 20 years of my life has been filled with my parents fighting each other over my dad's money and it's constantly depressing for me and my siblings who feel terrible for him, still struggling with much of his income going to my mom who doesn't even have much to do with us directly since we've all moved out by 4 years ago. Meanwhile my mom lives a rather luxurious life in a brand new condo with her boyfriend of ~10 years, with vacations abroad a number of times a year as my dad's crippled in debts.

We all wish my mom would cut off the child support but she just gets angry if we so much as hint our opinion and exclaims she doesn't believe he'd help us if we needed money - the irony being I totally don't believe she uses the full child support on us, let alone her own enough for her own share. My dad really wants to retire too since he's 66 now but he can't afford it, and my mom has often threatened to take his pension.

The arguments are seriously frustrating as fuck for the kids, as I wish I could say I've never had suicidal thoughts just to end the financial issue.

 

[bill0527]

I'm super glad that these life destroying alimony/maintenance laws doesn't exist everywhere, no matter how good the original reason for the law's conception. The reason it's nightmarescary is because it's not that rare for this to happen. The law needs to be updated to modern times like fucking pronto. I would never get married in a state where this is even a remotely possible thing to happen.

If nothing else works and you finally find yourself on the brink of destruction, it's time to start destroying in kind.

i wonder sometimes if situations like this are why white middle aged men snap.

 

[Wind's Howling]

This thread is textbook on how an emotionally unstable person can absolutely wreck your life.

I feel sorry for you, OP. You seem to be a genuinely nice guy.

 

[DarkArterialGore]

 

[Gamerloid]

There's some really good advice in this thread that you should take, such as documentation, therapy, dropping the lawyer, etc.

I'm not going to eat at you for marrying a person that was clearly not wife material or girlfriend for that matter. I'm going to focus on now and the future.

You have to beat her. Like, seriously. Get absolute revenge. That's how you deal with people like her. She wants war, you give it to her and you need to WIN HARD. Best part is, her type is the easier to crush. How should you extract your revenge? With the best type of revenge, SUCCESS. People like her who are bitter and angry can't stand when you don't give them the time of day and push forward with your life. You take care of your kids, continue to see that woman you're now into, and make it in the world. It's not going to be easy, but as long as you stay strong, she's losing. She wants to see you in pain, but you have to show her that she's just a roadblock, one that can't hold you back.

As you find success, she'll be miserable knowing you defeated her. Because as you put it, she seeks to destroy whoever crosses, and you can be the guy that succeeded in one of the worst possible.

And dude, don't let anyone get away with seriously telling you to kill yourself. Respond with something not to take a shot, but will encourage you to move forward. "And miss my children grow up? Nah, I can easily put up with you if it means seeing that."

 

[Marty Chinn]

Look at Mr Perfect 20 20 hindsight here.

Oh come on, did you even read his situation? This has nothing to do with hindsight. The signs were painfully there. Anyone could have told you that this was a recipe for disaster before the disaster happened.

"if you cross her she will destroy you."

"My family hated her my friends said she was closet crazy."

"I tried to break up with her in the beginning and she started crying and begging."

"I took her back and we argued about getting married every day."

"I married her 10 months after meeting her."

 

[family_guy]

Day care can be very expensive. Sometimes it's cheaper to not work than put your kid in day care.

It's a temporary expense. Even if the money made working was wiped out by daycare expenses, eventually you won't have daycare expenses and at least you'll still have a job and be relevant in the work place. The way the market is you could lose your job at anytime, so why even take the risk of being dependent on one income? That kid is depending on you for 18 years. They won't give a crap that you spent more time with them at 1-6 if you can't get the bills paid from 7-18.

 

[Greddleok]

worked two jobs so she could be a stay home mom.

she has worked for over a year and hasn't paid a dime towards marital debt

Long bitter horrible story. The whole divorce has been a disaster. I told her back when I asked for the divorce ill help her get a place and helped her get a job as a nurse technician again. She became incredibly bitter after 5 months into it and it became a circus. To answer how it started she punched me in the face during an argument which wasn't the first time and said if I don't like it, divorce her... So I did and now she's out for blood.

Though I agree with you, my ex wife dropped out of high school and dropped out of college. A year before the divorce she was in school and just stopped going. I was even doing her study guides for her and helping her in her online tests. She dropped out because she was too tired to do it online at night... Even though I was working two jobs and was in school as well.. And when I got home I'm the one who cooked dinner and helped get the kids in bed by 7

She keeps saying she out her career aside to raise kids which is BS, she dropped out of school and I kept asking her to get a job and she wouldn't

Because when I tried to call the police she broke down and said she wants to kill herself...

She's very pretty for one, and she has the tenancy to be very sweet at times but if you cross her she will destroy you. My family hated her my friends said she was closet crazy. I tried to break up with her in the beginning and she started crying and begging. I took her back and we argued about getting married every day.
If she wanted something or wasn't happy she would make everyone's lives hell.. I gave in all of the time because I had no backbone otherwise and wanted the fighting to stop... I dug my own grave unfortunately

She would say such horrible things and I'd bite back and then apologize and in text say I'm sorry. My lawyer said even though she did it too, my texts apologizing admitted fault and it made it seem like I was the only one doing it... She manipulated the hell out of me.

Honestly? Because she's not very smart.. and I don't mean to be.. Mean but she doesn't know the difference between 1/2 cup and a 1/4th cup. She thought ducks were asexual, doesn't know the difference between horizontal and vertical... Told my 5 year old she can't help her with homework because she doesn't know what nouns are.

Look at Mr Perfect 20 20 hindsight here.

Some things don't require hindsight.

 

[Kinitari]

Oh come on, did you even read his situation? This has nothing to do with hindsight. The signs were painfully there. Anyone could have told you that this was a recipe for disaster before the disaster happened.

"if you cross her she will destroy you."

"My family hated her my friends said she was closet crazy."

"I tried to break up with her in the beginning and she started crying and begging."

"I took her back and we argued about getting married every day."

"I married her 10 months after meeting her."

I think I can just sympathize because I was with someone for years, and there are a lot of parallels with the OPs story. Friends/Family telling me to step away, her not working and me supporting us both, emotional and physical abuse, threatened suicide, frequent cheating, etc. I should have known better - and I do now - but back then I was a goddamn kid, literally started dating at 17 and she was the first girl I kissed. I was lonely and afraid of always being alone and I thought this is all I could ever have. It's terrifying remembering how my brain worked back then.

 

[ElfArmy177]

Oh come on, did you even read his situation? This has nothing to do with hindsight. The signs were painfully there. Anyone could have told you that this was a recipe for disaster before the disaster happened.

"if you cross her she will destroy you."

"My family hated her my friends said she was closet crazy."

"I tried to break up with her in the beginning and she started crying and begging."

"I took her back and we argued about getting married every day."

"I married her 10 months after meeting her."

You're absolutely right and I wish I could go back but unfortunately feeling sorry for my poor decisions wont get my anywhere and marrying this nutjob did give me the kids I currently have which means the absolute world to me. But youre right. There were huge signs and I didn't listen

 

[AyaisMUsikWhore]

Wow she's super fucked up op! Please don't do anything crazy ...especially for your kids sake. I wish I could give so,e words of advice but I hope the judge and your lawyer really finds a way to give you a break. This is disgusting..

 

[entremet]

Oh come on, did you even read his situation? This has nothing to do with hindsight. The signs were painfully there. Anyone could have told you that this was a recipe for disaster before the disaster happened.

"if you cross her she will destroy you."

"My family hated her my friends said she was closet crazy."

"I tried to break up with her in the beginning and she started crying and begging."

"I took her back and we argued about getting married every day."

"I married her 10 months after meeting her."

Dat puppy love. So deceptive lol.

Her bedroom prowess must have been on point too lol.

It's the only explanation.

 

[Justzisguyukno]

While I was glad I never got married to my ex, she did try to pull the "I'm quitting my job so I should have the kids full time" act after she met her new boyfriend.

Luckily I took the initiative to find a lawyer and took her to court. I was able to get 50% custody of my kids, despite her only wanting to see them every other weekend, but with her being a newly stay at home mom that meant I also have a full time sitter to watch the kids on my days I have to work. There really wasn't a reason for not seeing and getting my children more often than every other weekend. I really feel like if I didn't lawyer up though that I wouldn't have been able to get 50% custody.

The most important thing I did though was to never EVER talk bad about her in anyway. This I'm told is a HUGE reason for why men don't get as much custody of the children when they end up in court. You always have to think of what is best for the children, and a parent talking shit about the other isn't good, or talking down on them in the court room.

That said, if your ex-wife has a history of violence, it all needs to be document in someway or form. I know I had a few questionable text messages from the ex that definitely helped in my favor. It wasn't hear-say, or anything like that. Its irrefutable proof of how she was acting. Luckily I didn't have to resort to any of that, but you need more than just hearsay if you can.

 

[Mass_Pincup]

I have, he said thst because I worked the two jobs for over two years they will force me to keep the hours because its what my children are used to, is having that income

I don't understand this.

Your ex wife is now working so they will now have more then what they're used to right?

 

[Marty Chinn]

You're absolutely right and I wish I could go back but unfortunately feeling sorry for my poor decisions wont get my anywhere and marrying this nutjob did give me the kids I currently have which means the absolute world to me. But youre right. There were huge signs and I didn't listen

Sorry, I don't mean to jump on the past. I just hope other people will see the lesson in it though. Divorce in many cases can be avoided if people were smarter about it.

For you, it's done, and you can't go back and change it. It really sucks that family court grossly favors the mom in these cases and you're in a super shitty situation. I get where the judge is coming from about you trying not to skip out on money owed, but you really need to find out the cases of if you get fired, how long this lasts, and what the long term plan is even if the short term is painful so you can get back on track. Go to that divorce dad forum that everyone is recommending to get some really good advice. Find a lawyer who can advise you on the long term planning of all this too and how the different scenarios play out with what happens so that you can make the best informed decision on how to move forward short and long term.

 

[SlickShoesRUCrazy]

Long bitter horrible story. The whole divorce has been a disaster. I told her back when I asked for the divorce ill help her get a place and helped her get a job as a nurse technician again. She became incredibly bitter after 5 months into it and it became a circus. To answer how it started she punched me in the face during an argument which wasn't the first time and said if I don't like it, divorce her... So I did and now she's out for blood.

Intially I asked for shared parenting and I was still going to give her 1100 a month and she wanted more. When she said no she wanted full custody I fought for it like hell and lost because she was a stay home mom. Now since I fought she's even more furious and told me she hopes I kill myself. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone

Yo, you didn't fill charges for domestic abuse? Was this at all brought up in your divorce?

 

[Marty Chinn]

Yo, you didn't fill charges for domestic abuse? Was this at all brought up in your divorce?

It sounds like it was but the fact that he didn't file charges was looked upon as it wasn't really serious enough. He got hosed because he didn't file and caved due to her threats of suicide. What should have happened is even after caving after the first threat, when things had calmed down he should have addressed the threat of suicide with help because you don't want someone mentally unstable around your kids. This never happened though. So he lost.

 

[Greddleok]

You're absolutely right and I wish I could go back but unfortunately feeling sorry for my poor decisions wont get my anywhere and marrying this nutjob did give me the kids I currently have which means the absolute world to me. But youre right. There were huge signs and I didn't listen

Try not to think like that, it's not helpful. While I said I'm finding it hard to have sympathy, doesn't mean I can't empathise. My father remarried someone like you're describing. She's pretty much trying to ruin him, and he's too much of a push over to actually do anything about it. He also made a bunch of mistakes, and I was actively telling him that they were all mistakes as he was doing them.

I don't even care that it's my inheritance, I just don't want HER to have it. I'd rather burn it all to the ground than let that whore touch it. Wish he could have the same rage as me towards the situation, maybe he'd actually do something about it, but I think he's just too old and wants it to just end.

 

[ElfArmy177]

Dat puppy love. So deceptive lol.

Her bedroom prowess must have been on point too lol.

It's the only explanation.

Yes she's an absolute animal in bed... Thst was also a factor... we would argue like crazy and then she would remove her clothing and pounce. It was like she got off to arguing with me. Pathetic... In fact we had huge arguments because I'd turn her down, and she would punch the wall or dresser screaming "I want to fuck!!!" And so I'd go downstairs and she would take her clothes off and masturbate on the couch near me to get me in the mood or grab me. Sex was great I guess but she was absolutely insane and told me she wanted sex so much because it was the only time she ever feels loved or wanted. Nightmare...

Her dad cheated on her mom and destroyed the marriage so she was beyond insecure. She was having sex with a 22 year old at 16 and when she used to work at dairy queen she would have sex in the back room on a daily basis with her manager. She had a train run on her at 17 and one of the guys was a second cousin or some crazy shit (she claims she didn't know).

She used to tell me she would cheat on her ex all of the time and love it when he got upset. Said she enjoyed it when men felt they were used by her...

I was told all of this after getting married.... It was too late then. She said "I just wanna be honest with you". Yea ok.. Thanks for telling me you're s huge whore after you got a ring. My own fault.. I saw the red flags, she could give a bj like a porn star... I'm an idiot