Miles Quaritch
Member
Oral or genital?
It's not as bad as you might think...
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Genital-herpes/Pages/Introduction.aspx
Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.
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Oral or genital?
It's not as bad as you might think...
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Genital-herpes/Pages/Introduction.aspx
tkscz
Member
That's good advice
Well at least you guys are being honest. Thanks. I'll try to make some changes.
ZackieChan
Member
He's buying into her "it's too soon after breaking up" nonsense, and giving her that emotional security blanket she needs without getting anything in return. He assumes with time, she will be "ready" to date him. However, reality is that if she wanted to date him, she would date him.
Did I get that right, Matty?
This same situation has happened multiple times with different people ITT over the last few months.
In other news, I have a date tonight with a girl I met at a club this weekend. She canceled last night, so we'll see if she actually meets me tonight. Either way, IDGAF, leaving the country in less than a week.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Nailed it pretty flawlessly there, Zack.
Move on, Matty. Don't be anyone's doormat.
Move on, Matty. Don't be anyone's doormat.
The optimist in me says (and a couple friends agree, though a couple don't) that once she's ready to date again I'd be the person she turns to, and that right now she just doesn't want anything with anyone (her words, not mine). The realist in me says nothing. At this point, I don't think anything is going to happen no matter how long I wait, so what's the point.
I just need to get through this semester I guess. I'll stop ignoring other girls because of her, start going to parties and shit and meeting people and then I've got the summer and fall semester until I see her again. 6 months apart and who knows, maybe I've found someone else by then.
Yeah, I know that's probably just an excuse for her. If she was into me, it would've already happened. You nailed it. Fuuuuuuuck.He's buying into her "it's too soon after breaking up" nonsense, and giving her that emotional security blanket she needs without getting anything in return. He assumes with time, she will be "ready" to date him. However, reality is that if she wanted to date him, she would date him.
Did I get that right, Matty?
This same situation has happened multiple times with different people ITT over the last few months.
In other news, I have a date tonight with a girl I met at a club this weekend. She canceled last night, so we'll see if she actually meets me tonight. Either way, IDGAF, leaving the country in less than a week.
At least that gif is making me laugh and feel a little less like shit right now.
Well, imagine yourself getting out of a relationship. Your heart aches, you miss her, etc.
Then you meet a girl that you find incredibly attractive, your personalities match to a tee, great chemistry, actual sexual tension. A really good match overall, and no red flags.
Do you:
A) Date her?
B) Turn her down because of reasons. Really compatible matches are a dime a dozen, after all!
Answer this honestly and you have your answer.
You cling to denial and false hope because they are more comfortable than the alternative - that she simply doesn't want you. They're defense mechanisms, but they are actively hindering your ability to move on.
----
In any case, the 'nice guy' approach (if I'm a good enough friend, she'll eventually see me for what a great catch I am and fall in love with me within the next few decades!!) has been thoroughly documented as being inefficient and ineffective.
So you're feeling two ways about it and you don't know which way to lean towards. It's frustrating I know. It looks like you're aware of your issue though and you're willing to take steps to move forward. I'm in a similar situation myself.
SneakersSO
Member
Matty, in all honesty, one of the reasons she is keeping you at arms length is because she knows she can. She got you. She knows she got you. She can get whatever she wants from you, whenever she wants. Its not malicious, its likely not even a conscious act on her part. But you're her emotional support while she ready's herself to meet the next person she falls for.
And I am not going to mince words with you Matty - if you continue doting over her, you WILL see her fall for someone else. Its not a question of if, its a question of when. And it will absolutely, positively crush you, doubly so if you keep allowing yourself to emotionally invest in the potential fantasy of 'someday'.
From similar stories from my past, and from friends & colleagues who have gone through similar, a very interesting thing happened once I pulled away from a girl that wanted to remain 'just friends' or emotional support, that I decided to pull away from because my intentions were purely romantic in nature. Once they realized I was no longer an option, they came CHASING after me. It's like that sudden realization that you're no longer a romantic option made them realize 'oh shit, this person is gone? I gotta get them back'.
Mind you, I wasn't being manipulative. Like you, in my HS days, I had a girl that I was enamored with that had just gotten out of a relationship, and just needed support. And I saw her fall for someone else, even though I was always there for her, hoping she'd turn to me someday. After that, I never allowed such a situation to happen again. A year after HS, a girl I had recently met tried to pull the same thing on me. Once I pulled away, she came chasing after me & got super clingy, to the point where I no longer wanted to be with her. I wasn't intentionally being manipulative; I wasn't pulling away hoping to win her over. I pulled away because its just the better move for everyone involved.
I'm not saying pulling away will win her over for you. Instead, what i'm saying is, pulling away from her will free you from caring about whether or not she ever will come around, and instead, will (hopefully) put you in the path of meeting someone that will wholly reciprocate your romantic interest. And let me tell you something - college is probably the very last mass social environment you will find yourself in, where meeting new people occurs on a daily basis. Most of us here who are past our college days are supplementing that social exposure with online dating. Do not throw away precious time that you have in such a fantastic setting to meet & have wonderful experiences with new people over someone who doesn't share the same feelings you do.
And I am not going to mince words with you Matty - if you continue doting over her, you WILL see her fall for someone else. Its not a question of if, its a question of when. And it will absolutely, positively crush you, doubly so if you keep allowing yourself to emotionally invest in the potential fantasy of 'someday'.
From similar stories from my past, and from friends & colleagues who have gone through similar, a very interesting thing happened once I pulled away from a girl that wanted to remain 'just friends' or emotional support, that I decided to pull away from because my intentions were purely romantic in nature. Once they realized I was no longer an option, they came CHASING after me. It's like that sudden realization that you're no longer a romantic option made them realize 'oh shit, this person is gone? I gotta get them back'.
Mind you, I wasn't being manipulative. Like you, in my HS days, I had a girl that I was enamored with that had just gotten out of a relationship, and just needed support. And I saw her fall for someone else, even though I was always there for her, hoping she'd turn to me someday. After that, I never allowed such a situation to happen again. A year after HS, a girl I had recently met tried to pull the same thing on me. Once I pulled away, she came chasing after me & got super clingy, to the point where I no longer wanted to be with her. I wasn't intentionally being manipulative; I wasn't pulling away hoping to win her over. I pulled away because its just the better move for everyone involved.
I'm not saying pulling away will win her over for you. Instead, what i'm saying is, pulling away from her will free you from caring about whether or not she ever will come around, and instead, will (hopefully) put you in the path of meeting someone that will wholly reciprocate your romantic interest. And let me tell you something - college is probably the very last mass social environment you will find yourself in, where meeting new people occurs on a daily basis. Most of us here who are past our college days are supplementing that social exposure with online dating. Do not throw away precious time that you have in such a fantastic setting to meet & have wonderful experiences with new people over someone who doesn't share the same feelings you do.
SneakersSO
Member
What the? Is this me from last week? LOL
Look, this thread helped me get through this. Just follow my last few posts in here to see how I dealt with it.
The question that really sealed it for me was "will I ever be able to look past it & get comfortable having sex with her?". Once I realized the answer to that was 'no', I knew I had to end things. It could be very different with you; there are lots of people who date someone who has HSV-1(2) and don't catch it. But I wasn't willing to knowingly take the risk.
It's one of those odd facts of life that we take for granted our emotional pillars. Many times women just don't realize that their close relationship with a male friend goes beyond friendship on his side. This is why you should make your intentions known early or, if that's passed, make it known now and let come what may. It's for your own sake. If nothing else, it's a wake up slap to them that you're not just looking to be a supportive friend, everything will be out in the open and then you can actually talk about it.
Yup, exactly. It's infuriating.
Thank you, I needed to hear this. I guess I'll try to pull back and not be so clingy/doting (I did realize that I've gone way overboard with this stuff in the last week. I need to stop, it's pathetic).
I do think pulling away, even if it's just a bit, will be better for everyone. I'll try it out over the next week or so. I tried it a couple weeks ago and it went horribly, but that's because I didn't know how to do it so I just didn't talk to her at all. I don't want to pull away to be manipulative and try to get her to come running, and I don't want to lose a friend, but I can't do this anymore. She told me a couple weeks ago when some shit went down "I can't lose you, Matt". Well if I'm that fucking important, then why are we playing this fucking game still? I want to be her friend, and if she told me that's all we'd ever be then fine, I can stop hoping now, but she won't just tell me so I have no choice but to slowly detach myself. I feel like my feelings for her are becoming a joke almost, like everyone knows and everyone knows it's not going to happen but shh, no one tell Matt. It's pathetic.
So I'll see what I can do. It may not be a total cutoff, but it'll at least be something.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Is this a good idea? She's already shot down the idea of a relationship with him, why bother telling her how he feels?
If he tells her and things stay the same (they very likely will), she may start using that knowledge to keep him close as her blanket whenever he tries to pull away. A clean break is better for all involved. There's no need to tell her how he feels.
She knows I have feelings for her. She doesn't know exactly how serious it is, I think, but she knows. Telling her exactly how I feel wouldn't change anything.
We're like the same person. But don't just see what you can do about it. Think about it right now. What can you do differently? The last time you tried, you stopped talking to her altogether and that didn't go that well so what can you do now? You mentioned going out more, trying to meet new people. When is your next opportunity to do that?
More of stating that you have a desire to take things further, rather than waxing poetic about feelings. IE ask her out. If she declines then that's that, you can take the L knowing you gave it your best shot.
n64coder
Member
There are tons of great girls/women out there. Some could be a great friend. Some could be your girlfriend. Give yourself the opportunity to meet new people and you will find others that are her equal or better. But you won't know unless you try.
In terms of her, just stop initiating things with her. Just treat her as a casual friend. Let her initiate things but do the bare minimum to maintain the friendship since that's something you want.
It's nice to hear I'm not the only one dealing with this shit
I can stop being a flirty as I usually am (which she reciprocates), that'll definitely help, though I get called out on that because at this point she thinks that's just how I am all the time. I'll definitely go out and meet more people, I can do that this weekend and next. I maybe can even do it tonight, since there's parties upstairs most Thursday nights. And I actually just made dinner plans with someone else, since I usually go with her.
I did that and she gave me the whole "I can't have anything with anyone right now" thing, which some of her/my friends said is legit but I'm beginning to think is just an excuse.
You seem to have pretty good intellectual insight, Matty. The hard point is doing something about it. Good luck!
She doesn't want to lose you because she gets all the benefits of a relationship (minus intimacy) without the usual required investment, it's low-effort free attention for me.
It doesn't ultimately matter if it's legit or an excuse. The end result is the same.
(If her perfect Mr Right showed up, would she shoot him down?)
This is great. Even if do decide to remain 'friends', take steps to create distance. She wants to have dinner? "Sorry, I'm busy/I already have plans." Simply creating distance without being a douche about it is not going to break up all your other friendships.
Lionheart1827
Member
Coming from experience in my younger days, its most likely an excuse. I was in your position when I was still a virgin(never had a relationship at that point either). I kept hanging around hoping something would happen. Nothing ever did and she was sleeping with other guys eventually.
After I pulled away and eventually found somebody else, my obsession with her melted away.
There is probably somebody much better out there that actually wants to date you right now MattyG. Go for it.
I think you're going about this well Matty. You're committed. Now you have to act. I need to do the same. Something that really opened my eyes last night was simply asking myself "Is she giving me what I want?" The answer is no. Obviously not in some weird rapey kind of way. It's just so simple. She really isn't giving me what I want and not letting me do the same. I'm willing to give her so much but she isn't willing to do the same. That should be it.
Holy shit we are the same person. I hope everything works out for you.
As for the rest of you, thanks so much for putting up with my rambling shit. It's really helped. <3
Done. Told her that I'll send her a message about going out for a hike this weekend, which I did. It was my first time texting her.
We stayed after for a while after class and talked about various things.
I told her about a 4-day weekend next week and she suggested a hike, but I'm thinking maybe this weekend.
We still plan on going on the major spring break backpacking trip I think, but I want to do something sooner, and it seems she want to as well.
Asking a girl out isn't hard for me to do, it's just that I wonder around too much until I do it. Getting numbers, taking to girls, etc comes natural, but when stuff starts to get more personal, I think a bit too much.
Anyways, that's that. I'm gonna cut back on my posting here until something else happens.
If any of you have advice, go ahead and give it. I'll be reading sometime.
I have some trail scouting to do ✋
You have your answer then. Let her work herself out. You have your own things to deal with.
Sorry but from reading this all I get was that you didn't actually ask/set a date at all.
SneakersSO
Member
Honestly, Matty, I know you care for her, but realize that there is a part of you that is addicted to her as well. She doesn't want to lose her emotional support, and you don't want to lose this ideal fantasy you've built up either. Ask most people here - we've all been there at one point or another.
In my experience, the best pull away method isn't one where you just ghosted or went cold turkey. But instead, its one where you take control of the situation and tell them.
"Listen, I know you need a friend right now, and thats cool, but I can't be there for you in that way, cause i'm not feeling the same way as you are. The best thing for me right now is that I get over this and enjoy my time here, so that someday I might be that friend for ya. So i'm gonna be giving you a lot of space. If there is ever something serious or an emergency going down, hit me up. Otherwise, I hope you all the best."
Ya kno what something like that does? That is you telling her, and yourself, that you, yes YOU MattyG, come first in the book of MattyG. You're not pulling back cause you can't stand to not be with her. You're pulling back cause doing so will put you in a better, happier place. You're doing it for yourself. You're putting yourself in a better place in your own life.
That right there, is the kind of shit where self-confidence & self-worth come from. That is the kind of attitude that will draw people into you. You're not anyone's doormat, let alone hers. Your feelings matter. The only one truly looking out for you, is you.
Yeah I feel like this time around I stopped just settling and let my intuition guide me. Thanks, I really hope I meet a guy that matches my coolness
Get it, girl!
We still need to hang out sometime lol. Vancouver girls.
ZackieChan
Member
Home of NeoGaf's Tabris. I may visit over the next few months.
Haha, I thought the same thing. Thought I was going crazy or reading it wrong. A vague plan to go hiking isn't a date, in my book.
Royal_Phalanx
Member
It was what that meetup group called it. Anyway I got back from it and it was awful, such a letdown, nowhere near 100 people showed up and most of the people there were guys, sigh, hope my masters application is accepted so I can go back to college and maybe get a better job in the future/be more employable and actually be able to meet loads of girls again
ZackieChan
Member
Proper way to handle that is to find some dudes that you connect with, then go out afterwards to somewhere where there ARE women.
We're setting up a time to do so on Saturday.
Yaaas gurl, and we can talk about the vancouver mans obsession with weight and cocaine lol.
SneakersSO
Member
Wait, thats a thing? Do they obsess over the weight of the cocaine or their own weight?
Lmao, yes. I didn't know cocaine was an obsession, but the weight thing definitely is.
Oh yeah there are so many guys that just 'do coke'....one guy described it as akin to having a beer after work lol because the coke helps him relax which sounds wrong given that cocaine is not a depressant. It's because of all the rich folk in our city that's why it's coming back....a resurgence from the 80's.
Lol the weight of a female body, and their love of snorting coke.
Gotdatmoney
Member
Coke game is the only game. Did he try to introduce you to his stove?
Not asking a girl out when you should sucks. I've been talking to her in class (we have 3 together, we're both in the sophomore Graphic Design major) everyday for the past couple weeks, and I really enjoy talking to her, and I think she may like me. I'm not really sure, but she's always complimenting me on my design work and laughing at my terrible jokes and stories. Then on Wednesday there was this weird moment where we staring at each other smiling for like 5 seconds straight.
I guess that's sort of all beside the point anyway. I like her and was going to ask her out tonight after class. I was about to ask her while we were walking after class and of course I chickened out. Now I'm going to drive myself nuts all weekend. I honestly would have rather been rejected than not asking, now that I didn't. I'm asking her out Monday no matter what, because this not asking crap sucks.
I guess that's sort of all beside the point anyway. I like her and was going to ask her out tonight after class. I was about to ask her while we were walking after class and of course I chickened out. Now I'm going to drive myself nuts all weekend. I honestly would have rather been rejected than not asking, now that I didn't. I'm asking her out Monday no matter what, because this not asking crap sucks.
Keihart
Member
Sounds promising, good luck!
ZackieChan
Member
Had a nice date tonight. Being from different cultures definitely helps. She was teaching me Spanish curse words and I taught the English equivalent. Lots of other topics to discuss, too. Fun times, and have another date set for Saturday.
I'll say this: as I've gotten older and dated much more, I literally give no fucks on the first date. Not nervous, and I just go with it. Feels good, man. I used to be a boring, nervous wreck on dates, even just 3-4 years ago.
I think the secret is that I KNOW I'm more interesting than they are. I'm a world-traveling video game lawyer. That's hard to beat, so I have the mindset that THEY are lucky to be out with me. It is cool.
I'll say this: as I've gotten older and dated much more, I literally give no fucks on the first date. Not nervous, and I just go with it. Feels good, man. I used to be a boring, nervous wreck on dates, even just 3-4 years ago.
I think the secret is that I KNOW I'm more interesting than they are. I'm a world-traveling video game lawyer. That's hard to beat, so I have the mindset that THEY are lucky to be out with me. It is cool.
wanderingprostheyltite
Member
This sounds like an incredibly arrogant and misguided approach to dating. The way you worded that seems as though you're applying it to ALL dates, no? I mean, I guess whatever keeps the date nerves at bay bro, but seems like a healthier mindset might be to keep a more receptive attitude towards their personality potentialities too. Sure, you can tell usually in the first few minutes of convo if someone is dull, but I dunno, those kind of mental jumping jacks are a bit too you vs them for my liking. But hey if it works it works right?
The best mindset. And we should all remember that we are all super interesting, the almighty GAF having bestowed upon us infinite knowledge on such various topics as: tipping, circumcision, ethics in games journalism, fast food special offers, hygiene habits, deadly animals from Australia, superhero movies fanboy wars, and stuff that happened in Florida. Plenty to carry a first date!
There's a fine line between arrogance and confidence, but there is also a massive difference. It's more a case of knowing you're awesome in your own right and just being yourself, rather than being nervous and thinking you have something to prove.
Actually, I find the 'are they a good match for me?' approach way healthier than 'am I good enough for them?'
ZackieChan
Member
Meh. I love meeting new people with different experiences and asking them about their lives. But most people I date have relatively ordinary lives compared to me. And that's fine. I don't think I'm better than them. There's no me vs them. It's symbiotic. We can talk and find shared experiences, I can learn new things and have a great time.
Edit: Lyranor - I clapped after the date. I needed to introduce her to our American customs. They are lacking in clapping here in Mexico. Ayy lmao
wanderingprostheyltite
Member
Well, the way you phrased that doesn't make it sound symbiotic haha, but I feel ya. World travel is definitely awesome, but doesn't automatically make you an interesting person. Inner journey and all that ;-)
ZackieChan
Member
I got my inner journey on lock, breh
wanderingprostheyltite
Member
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