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[Raven117]

Eh there are not leagues. Leagues is something that people game up with to justify failure. A super hot girl or guy is just still a person and you can't project what they will like or desire strictly from what they look like. In the conventional usage of the word, they really dont exist. And I mean if you don't go for all the best looking people that you feel attracted to of course your success rate will go up but not due to any natural order. Rates are dependant on quantity, that's it.

People that believe in leagues like "that guy is too handsome for me" or "that girl is a 10, I can't get her" really arent doing themselves any favours. If you see someone you like, you go for it that's all there is to it.

I do very much disagree that there aren't leagues (but bear in mind that I'm also considering more than looks . . . as a matter of fact, looks is actually not the biggest factor here). (Though perhaps I used a too controversial term here). Some people are hot and successful and hot and successful people (especially women) want to date other hot successful people. This is not rocket science. Especially when you get older...

Also, do keep in mind that I was merely giving the super shy kid with no experience a way to start getting some experience in small steps. Confident people don't need to be bothered with "leagues" as we are discussing. Also, a shy non-confident person doesn't have the luxury of quanitity because the fear of failure is so high.

IMO it needs to be a small step at a time. Not a "there are no leagues, go for it, you are fine, if not get the next one" kind of advice. It would do more harm than good at such an early stage.

 

[Ray Wonder]

It's naive to think there aren't "leagues". Especially in this day and age. You get a super hot girl on instagram with constant floods of guys messaging her. She will get to pick out of whichever person that messages her that she wants to. Which is definitely going to fit in some sort of league. She's not going to be messaging 4/10 overweight people. I agree that you shouldn't let the attractiveness of prevent you from trying, even though I don't follow those rules, but the fact is good looking people end up with good looking people more often than not. There're studies n shit on this.

 

[Miles Quaritch]

There's a fundamental missing of the point. It's a state of mind. You don't approach dating thinking about leagues because you're already setting yourself up for failure.

You be the best person you can be, you talk to people you find attractive and while not every single one will reciprocate or even be interested, you'll quickly find that people, even very beautiful people, are just people and are looking for a connection, for someone to make them smile, to make them laugh and to make them feel like they are the only one in the room.

 

[Lone_Prodigy]

I've got a date on Wednesday with a girl I've been talking to for a couple of weeks. I've talked to her more than I usually do before meeting up, so I'm nervous. I'm trying to think of a few things to bring up in conversation, which usually helps me a lot.

Just remember that she will be as nervous as you are.

One thing about the girl I'm seeing: on our first date, she told me how she was out late last night and was worried that she would be too tired and boring today. I reassured her that was not the case, and at the same time I started to calm down myself, knowing that we were in the same boat.

 

[Salamando]

Even if leagues do exist, not all girls play for them. Some are free agents. The only way to know who's who is to talk to them. Even if you don't get her number, you haven't failed. To fail implies you lost, and in this scenario you didn't lose anything. The girl's the one in the negative - she lost a pretty great guy.

 

[Nastrodamous]

Hey guys/girls, I have been chatting with somebody on tinder, I asked if we could get drinks but she said she had been out the last 3 nights and wanted to relax. Instead she gave me her number so we texted back and forth for a few years.

My question is where do I go from here? Do i keep texting her or try to set up a face to face?


thanks,

Dreday

 

[Salamando]

Instead she gave me her number so we texted back and forth for a few years.

Please be a typo, please be a typo...

If you want to date this girl, you need to meet her. Texting without meeting is worthless. Unless you're just looking for friendzone yourself.

 

[Gotdatmoney]

It's naive to think there aren't "leagues". Especially in this day and age. You get a super hot girl on instagram with constant floods of guys messaging her. She will get to pick out of whichever person that messages her that she wants to. Which is definitely going to fit in some sort of league. She's not going to be messaging 4/10 overweight people. I agree that you shouldn't let the attractiveness of prevent you from trying, even though I don't follow those rules, but the fact is good looking people end up with good looking people more often than not. There're studies n shit on this.

Good looking people often end up together yes, but in terns of datimg why would you section off your pool artificially? When you look at the data yes people with similr looks and socio economic status (and race and a whole bunch of other shit) are more likely to end up together. But like, who gives a shit about stats when you are looking to date?

A person's mindstate need to be, "This person seems cool, I wanna pursue", not, "they are really hot, I better not try", or "they're reaally well off, better cross off my list". What benefit is there in setting the stamdard low instead of just pursuing people that interest you? In dating its a matter of mindstate. Its not about bagging a 10 or a smart or wellnoff person, it about seeking out what want and believing you are good enough to get it.

The concept of league puts all the power in the hands of people with status as though they all automatically value the same thing. If you are not good lookimog but you're rich you think you're gonna have huge issues getting attention? If you hot but dumb as a brick you think that it will be pure smooth sailing? Leagues are not worth considering.

 

[Miles Quaritch]

Hey guys/girls, I have been chatting with somebody on tinder, I asked if we could get drinks but she said she had been out the last 3 nights and wanted to relax. Instead she gave me her number so we texted back and forth for a few years.

My question is where do I go from here? Do i keep texting her or try to set up a face to face?


thanks,

Dreday

Sweet Jesus, what am I reading here...

I'm hoping, praying, you meant to say days or at worst weeks...

 

[Miles Quaritch]

Even if leagues do exist, not all girls play for them. Some are free agents. The only way to know who's who is to talk to them. Even if you don't get her number, you haven't failed. To fail implies you lost, and in this scenario you didn't lose anything. The girl's the one in the negative - she lost a pretty great guy.

Good looking people often end up together yes, but in terns of datimg why would you section off your pool artificially? When you look at the data yes people with similr looks and socio economic status (and race and a whole bunch of other shit) are more likely to end up together. But like, who gives a shit about stats when you are looking to date?

A person's mindstate need to be, "This person seems cool, I wanna pursue", not, "they are really hot, I better not try", or "they're reaally well off, better cross off my list". What benefit is there in setting the stamdard low instead of just pursuing people that interest you? In dating its a matter of mindstate. Its not about bagging a 10 or a smart or wellnoff person, it about seeking out what want and believing you are good enough to get it.

/applause.gif.

Well said.

 

[Ray Wonder]

That's all fine and dandy, and no one is actually disagreeing with me. You're just saying ignore that there are leagues because some of the people in majors might just be interested. Which is true, and not what I was disputing.

 

[Nastrodamous]

Sweet Jesus, what am I reading here...

I'm hoping, praying, you meant to say days or at worst weeks...

meant days

 

[Miles Quaritch]

That's all fine and dandy, and no one is actually disagreeing with me. You're just saying ignore that there are leagues because some of the people in majors might just be interested. Which is true, and not what I was disputing.

Drop the concept of leagues. Just forget about it. After you read this post, it no longer exists. Now every single person you meet is just a person, they aren't in X, Y, or Z league. They are just a person like you and are looking for the same thing you are.

You won't attract every single of these people, you might even find you don't like them beyond a superficial attraction, but how will you ever know if you go into the interaction thinking "oh my god, this person is so hot. They'd never be interested in sad arse".

 

[gwailo]

meant days

Text her with something like "let me know when you'd like to grab that drink" and then let her respond. If she gives another lame "too busy" excuse, she's a flake that's not worth your time.

 

[Miles Quaritch]

meant days

Same advice I gave to someone else. Try again and be direct. Hey, let's grab a drink or a bite to eat, but don't look exploring other opportunities at the same time. You should never stop talking to and dating other people until you're like 4-5 dates into seeing someone and you know it might be going somewhere serious.

 

[Vic_Bast]

Since you guys are talking about "leagues", I have a question regarding this.
I have been talking to this Girl on Tinder since Saturday and we have set up a date on Wednesday. She is cool, we share some interests and she is quite clever. The thing is, I don't find her body type attractive.
Should I ignore this and go for the date?

 

[Gotdatmoney]

That's all fine and dandy, and no one is actually disagreeing with me. You're just saying ignore that there are leagues because some of the people in majors might just be interested. Which is true, and not what I was disputing.

In terms of this thread which is not a psychology experiment, even if you were right, it really has zero relevance. If dating was this easy, why exactly do we have this thread? Unless you are suggestimg we all just post pictures and wage and assign leagues what does being "right" actually mean? I'm not trying to be a dick but actually, do you think there is a point?

 

[Miles Quaritch]

Since you guys are talking about "leagues", I have a question regarding this.
I have been talking to this Girl on Tinder since Saturday and we have set up a date on Wednesday. She is cool, we share some interests and she is quite clever. The thing is, I don't find her body type attractive.
Should I ignore this and go for the date?

Go on the date, see how it goes. What do you have to lose? Maybe once you meet her, you'll find her body type isn't that big of a deal as her personality and other aspects are more attractive.

 

[Llyranor]

Since you guys are talking about "leagues", I have a question regarding this.
I have been talking to this Girl on Tinder since Saturday and we have set up a date on Wednesday. She is cool, we share some interests and she is quite clever. The thing is, I don't find her body type attractive.
Should I ignore this and go for the date?

If you think the body type is a complete deal-breaker, then don't waste your/her time.

But people can look better in person, and there's more to attraction than JUST looks. But if it's a deal-breaker, it's a deal-breaker - only you can answer that.

 

[Nastrodamous]

Same advice I gave to someone else. Try again and be direct. Hey, let's grab a drink or a bite to eat, but don't look exploring other opportunities at the same time. You should never stop talking to and dating other people until you're like 4-5 dates into seeing someone and you know it might be going somewhere serious.

should i include a date/time when i ask?

 

[Miles Quaritch]

should i include a date/time when i ask?

Don't give a time. Give two different days, spread them out to when you're free, so maybe a night during the week and one during the weekend. If she's unavailable for both, move on.

No-one is that busy. No-one.

 

[Gotdatmoney]

Since you guys are talking about "leagues", I have a question regarding this.
I have been talking to this Girl on Tinder since Saturday and we have set up a date on Wednesday. She is cool, we share some interests and she is quite clever. The thing is, I don't find her body type attractive.
Should I ignore this and go for the date?

Simple coffee date and I say go. Its practice at minimum. And you'll know if your interested when you see the person. You aren't locked in for life after one date.

 

[DeathoftheEndless]

Just remember that she will be as nervous as you are.

One thing about the girl I'm seeing: on our first date, she told me how she was out late last night and was worried that she would be too tired and boring today. I reassured her that was not the case, and at the same time I started to calm down myself, knowing that we were in the same boat.

Good advice, thanks. I've been on a handful of dates with girls I've met online and it hasn't gotten much easier lol.

 

[Royal_Phalanx]

Is it worth trying to keep a girl who turned you down because she had a boyfriend as a female friend? Could use more female friends, and hey, it could be an avenue to meet more people and expand my social circle, which is always good for dating. Haven't talked to her at all since I met her at a meetup event several weeks ago and I asked her out on a coffee date afterwards via text and she ended up dropping that bombshell.

 

[Miles Quaritch]

Is it worth trying to keep a girl who turned you down because she had a boyfriend as a female friend? Could use more female friends, and hey, it could be an avenue to meet more people and expand my social circle, which is always good for dating. Haven't talked to her at all since I met her at a meetup event several weeks ago and I asked her out on a coffee date afterwards via text and she ended up dropping that bombshell.

Do you still have those feels that would make it weird and uncomfortable?

If not, shoot her a message and ask if she'd like to hang out. Maybe make a point to say you'd like to meet her when she's with friends or something, try to arrange it so you get to expand your social circle and you're not sat alone with her.

Worst hat happens is she shoots it down or doesn't reply. Don't be scared of rejection.

 

[Raven117]

In terms of this thread which is not a psychology experiment, even if you were right, it really has zero relevance. If dating was this easy, why exactly do we have this thread? Unless you are suggestimg we all just post pictures and wage and assign leagues what does being "right" actually mean? I'm not trying to be a dick but actually, do you think there is a point?

Being right (and he is right), is simply about understand how all of this interrelates. I don't believe he is advocating to never approach anyone that is hot and successful, but having an understanding of how this effects relationships can help a person understand what is happening and can happen.

Remember, the only reason I even brought it up was because I responded to a self proclaimed shy guy who has very little experience with women. To say, eff it go talk to the super hot girl right off the bat is more than likely going to end in disaster and would set this individual back. That's all.

To the overall point of leagues. Is there a reason for a confident guy not to shoot for someone "out of his league?" No. But an understanding of how being hot and successful (not always talkin money here) can change relationship dynamics can be instructive on simply how dating and marriage dynamics can play out.

Again, this becomes MUCH more of an issue over 30. When you are younger, its more about looks.

Is it worth trying to keep a girl who turned you down because she had a boyfriend as a female friend? Could use more female friends, and hey, it could be an avenue to meet more people and expand my social circle, which is always good for dating. Haven't talked to her at all since I met her at a meetup event several weeks ago and I asked her out on a coffee date afterwards via text and she ended up dropping that bombshell.

If you don't have any hangups with her (not going to be sercretly liking her) and she is serious about being your friend, women can make the best wingman...So, yeah.

 

[Royal_Phalanx]

Do you still have those feels that would make it weird and uncomfortable?

If not, shoot her a message and ask if she'd like to hang out. Maybe make a point to say you'd like to meet her when she's with friends or something, try to arrange it so you get to expand your social circle and you're not sat alone with her.

Worst hat happens is she shoots it down or doesn't reply. Don't be scared of rejection.

Don't have any feels at all, I'm completely uninvested emotionally.

 

[Miles Quaritch]

Don't have any feels at all, I'm completely uninvested emotionally.

Go for it. Literally nothing to lose and quite a bit to gain if it goes as hoped.

 

[TeddyBoy]

So I've decided over the last day or so that it's time I started dating again, it's been five years since my last proper girlfriend and three years since my last date.

As you can imagine I'm pretty rusty and I was thinking of using OKCupid since my real life friends aren't going to get me anywhere and workplace relations aren't going to end well.

I'll probably be checking in over the next few weeks for general advice as it's been so long but as a first quick question, when signing up to OKCupid I could either use my facebook account or make a non-linked account. Is there any difference between the two?

 

[Miles Quaritch]

So I've decided over the last day or so that it's time I started dating again, it's been five years since my last proper girlfriend and three years since my last date.

As you can imagine I'm pretty rusty and I was thinking of using OKCupid since my real life friends aren't going to get me anywhere and workplace relations aren't going to end well.

I'll probably be checking in over the next few weeks for general advice as it's been so long but as a first quick question, when signing up to OKCupid I could either use my facebook account or make a non-linked account. Is there any difference between the two?

I'd recommend Tinder first.

Not sure about the linked business. When did they start to offer that option? I guess it's to make accessing your pics easier and maybe more information about who you are for your profile?

 

[Denzar]

Well fuck Tinder. I've reached my maximum amount of likes every day for over 2 weeks now. I even went on several blind swiping sprees.

ZERO. FUCKING. MATCHES.

 

[vern]

Well fuck Tinder. I've reached my maximum amount of likes every day for over 2 weeks now. I even went on several blind swiping sprees.

ZERO. FUCKING. MATCHES.

Get on tantan*. I just got back to USA and there are even more girls using it than last time I was here 6 months ago. Got heaps of matches swiping in one day. Not as many as when I'm in Asia of course, but still plenty.

*only use it if you don't mind Asian girls, that's basically all there is.

 

[Miles Quaritch]

Well fuck Tinder. I've reached my maximum amount of likes every day for over 2 weeks now. I even went on several blind swiping sprees.

ZERO. FUCKING. MATCHES.

Did you use your super likes?

Man, this feels weird to me. Even during blind swiping I'd get at least one or two matches. Maybe change up your profile pics?

 

[Banjo-Kazooie]

I'm now seeing/talking to 3 girls.

This is totally out of character for me...and I'm strangely enjoying myself.

The joys of dating

 

[Miles Quaritch]

I'm now seeing/talking to 3 girls.

This is totally out of character for me...and I'm strangely enjoying myself.

The joys of dating

Awesome.

No looking back from here, Banj.

 

[Banjo-Kazooie]

Awesome.

No looking back from here, Banj.

I think the best part is that they are all different and I'm really enjoying seeing which ones I connect with more, but still learning from the others and getting more experience...learning a lot about myself too which is always good.

Met them all differently too...one on tinder, one on POF, and one in RL (yes contrary to popular beliefs you can still meet great girls face to face )

No looking back indeed. It's exciting, yet nervous being out of my element, but I wouldn't have it any other way right now.

Edit: and yes people, as many have said (including Miles), DO NOT try and contact your ex again. It sucks, but move on and fight the urge...you will thank yourself like I am now. I could have been mopy and tried to follow a lost cause, or I could be where I am now. I choose now.

 

[Denzar]

Get on tantan*. I just got back to USA and there are even more girls using it than last time I was here 6 months ago. Got heaps of matches swiping in one day. Not as many as when I'm in Asia of course, but still plenty.

*only use it if you don't mind Asian girls, that's basically all there is.

Never heard of this. I'm European.

Did you use your super likes?

Man, this feels weird to me. Even during blind swiping I'd get at least one or two matches. Maybe change up your profile pics?

Yeah, feels weird to me too. I never use super-likes though. I can never tell if those come across as desperate or confident.

Changed up my profile pics quite few times too! One with a pet, one partying, one non-selfie of my face...

I reset my profile a while ago and it's not going as smoothly (understatement) as it did during my first Tinder run almost 3 years ago now. If I had face like a piece of shit I'd understand, but I swear, I don't.

 

[Lone_Prodigy]

Use the super-like. It puts you at the top of their queue.

 

[ZackieChan]

Use the super-like. It puts you at the top of their queue.

I may actually pay when I hit Silicon Valley and Tokyo. We'll see if that has any effect.

 

[Denzar]

Use the super-like. It puts you at the top of their queue.

It's still just one every 12 hours, though. Not paying for Tinder.

 

[vern]

Never heard of this. I'm European.

Probably loads of Chinese around you then, Europe is more dense than USA in most places. Give it a shot and see if you match anyone.

 

[Tha Robbertster]

Okay so I'm in a bit of weird situation, I think. I met this girl at a party last Thursday and hit it of quite well. Talked to her a lot that night, and we made out after both having drank quite a lot of alcohol. She added me on facebook that night as well which I took as a good sign.

So I messaged her the next day and asked if she wanted to get a drink with me sometime next week. She said she'd like to do that, so I asked her when she'd be available. That was early Saturday morning, and by Sunday afternoon, I still didn't have a reply, even though she did read the message. So I said what the hell and just suggested 2 days on which I was available. Well she finally responded and said Thursday was good for her so now that date is set. It felt pretty weird to me and kinda forced, but whatever, I thought things were looking good for now.

The thing is however, she isn't really responding when I'm messaging her. Yesterday we talked a bit over facebook messenger, but nothing really anything substantial. Now the last messages weren't questions, but I'd think you'd be interested in the other person and talk to him/her If you'd agreed to go on a date with him, right?

Anyone else with a somewhat similar experience? I'm kinda worried that I'm going to be stood up this Thursday. We haven't talked about what time and where yet, so I'm thinking about suggesting I pick her up from her place. That sound like a good idea or a bit too stalkery?

 

[ZackieChan]

Anyone else with a somewhat similar experience? I'm kinda worried that I'm going to be stood up this Thursday. We haven't talked about what time and where yet, so I'm thinking about suggesting I pick her up from her place. That sound like a good idea or a bit too stalkery?

Nope. No one in this thread has experienced it.

Spoiler

You must be new here

 

[Lone_Prodigy]

It's still just one every 12 hours, though. Not paying for Tinder.

All you need is 1 match, really.

 

[Miles Quaritch]

Jeez, just meet her at the bar. Pick one, pick a time and let her know. If she shows, she shows. If she doesn't, use the fact you're in a bar to talk to other women and maybe turn that into an impromptu date.

So much overthinking for something so simple...

 

[Gotdatmoney]

Okay so I'm in a bit of weird situation, I think. I met this girl at a party last Thursday and hit it of quite well. Talked to her a lot that night, and we made out after both having drank quite a lot of alcohol. She added me on facebook that night as well which I took as a good sign.

So I messaged her the next day and asked if she wanted to get a drink with me sometime next week. She said she'd like to do that, so I asked her when she'd be available. That was early Saturday morning, and by Sunday afternoon, I still didn't have a reply, even though she did read the message. So I said what the hell and just suggested 2 days on which I was available. Well she finally responded and said Thursday was good for her so now that date is set. It felt pretty weird to me and kinda forced, but whatever, I thought things were looking good for now.

The thing is however, she isn't really responding when I'm messaging her. Yesterday we talked a bit over facebook messenger, but nothing really anything substantial. Now the last messages weren't questions, but I'd think you'd be interested in the other person and talk to him/her If you'd agreed to go on a date with him, right?

Anyone else with a somewhat similar experience? I'm kinda worried that I'm going to be stood up this Thursday. We haven't talked about what time and where yet, so I'm thinking about suggesting I pick her up from her place. That sound like a good idea or a bit too stalkery?

Jesus. You got the date. Just ask her to meet you at the bar at like 9 and chill the fuck out with the messaging.

Do people really message people they just met all the time? I like have 5 people I consistently text and everyone else is a come and go thing. I'd find this suffocating personally.

 

[Miles Quaritch]

Peeps gots to get their bants on innit.

 

[Jokab]

Okay so I'm in a bit of weird situation, I think. I met this girl at a party last Thursday and hit it of quite well. Talked to her a lot that night, and we made out after both having drank quite a lot of alcohol. She added me on facebook that night as well which I took as a good sign.

So I messaged her the next day and asked if she wanted to get a drink with me sometime next week. She said she'd like to do that, so I asked her when she'd be available. That was early Saturday morning, and by Sunday afternoon, I still didn't have a reply, even though she did read the message. So I said what the hell and just suggested 2 days on which I was available. Well she finally responded and said Thursday was good for her so now that date is set. It felt pretty weird to me and kinda forced, but whatever, I thought things were looking good for now.

The thing is however, she isn't really responding when I'm messaging her. Yesterday we talked a bit over facebook messenger, but nothing really anything substantial. Now the last messages weren't questions, but I'd think you'd be interested in the other person and talk to him/her If you'd agreed to go on a date with him, right?

Anyone else with a somewhat similar experience? I'm kinda worried that I'm going to be stood up this Thursday. We haven't talked about what time and where yet, so I'm thinking about suggesting I pick her up from her place. That sound like a good idea or a bit too stalkery?

My gut feeling? She wants to smang and not much more than that, so conversation isn't interesting to her. But hey, still, you got yourself a date. Enjoy it.

 

[Vic_Bast]

Go on the date, see how it goes. What do you have to lose? Maybe once you meet her, you'll find her body type isn't that big of a deal as her personality and other aspects are more attractive.

If you think the body type is a complete deal-breaker, then don't waste your/her time.

But people can look better in person, and there's more to attraction than JUST looks. But if it's a deal-breaker, it's a deal-breaker - only you can answer that.

Simple coffee date and I say go. Its practice at minimum. And you'll know if your interested when you see the person. You aren't locked in for life after one date.

Thanks. We will keep it simple, grab some drinks at a bar.
Actually, her body type is not totally a deal-breaker

 

[bluethree]

My gut feeling? She wants to smang and not much more than that, so conversation isn't interesting to her. But hey, still, you got yourself a date. Enjoy it.

Yep! If they're making time for you but otherwise seem uninterested in conversation, then...they're not interested in conversation