I had fun anyway. Did I mention I had a maple mars bar? That was pretty nice.
Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.
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I had fun anyway. Did I mention I had a maple mars bar? That was pretty nice.
User 479360
Banned
Tim Horton's rocks
Anyways, I guess the way we spoke just turned me off. She's wishy washy. I don't want to get myself attached again or my hopes up, because she's so unpredictable.
Having someone tell you they're playing the field may be normal, but it feels like a gut punch where they're saying you're not good enough.
Anyways, I guess the way we spoke just turned me off. She's wishy washy. I don't want to get myself attached again or my hopes up, because she's so unpredictable.
Having someone tell you they're playing the field may be normal, but it feels like a gut punch where they're saying you're not good enough.
Maple something, yay! 👏
I actually didn't know such a thing existed though lol, maple mars bar.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
This is the thing . . .
She's not unpredictable. She basically reciprocated the amount of contact you did. Nor is she wishy washy: she asked you out, paid for your date, and asked to kiss you. Those were clear signs of interest.
Finally, of course you're not good enough yet: very few people outside of middle school or Utah jump to exclusivity after two dates and some texting. What did you ask her? If you asked her if she was seeing other people, then good on her for being honest. (By the way: never ask! It's assumed.) If you asked for exclusivity, that's jumping ahead entirely too quickly. Besides, the point is (if you actually like her, and I'm not even convinced you do because you're not undertaking any actions that demonstrate this) to keep dating her until neither of you wants to see anyone else.
Edit: I might see your problem, Chewie. You're actually pretty good at lining up dates, but you want to rush to a relationship quickly because, I'm guessing, that's a way of "proving" to yourself that they're interested or that they won't abandon you. Well, here's another thing: relationships fall apart too, and nothing's guaranteed. The best way to build a relationship with someone is to build connections. Saying "we're together now" doesn't accomplish that.
User 479360
Banned
What you wrote in the edit isn't exactly wrong.
As for what I asked her: She was talking about how things have been difficult, and she feels upset, like nothing's going right in her life. I told her that she's doing well -- at least from my perspective -- and is a nice person, and that if she needs to talk to send me a message. She responded with a heart.
I then said something about not minding talking and helping her, but that I'd appreciate it if she would tell me her thoughts on the whole dating thing, because she's been sending mixed signals and I'm confused.
To that, she replied, "I'm playing the field." I said okay.
I paid for our first date, and she wanted to return the favour by treating me the next time. I appreciated it.
EDIT: I actually just set up a date with another girl. We met on OkC about a year ago, and texted a lot but never met. I thought about her, because I liked talking to her (we had stopped months ago as things petered out), and sent her a message today. Once I told her who it was (she had deleted me from her text contacts, I guess), it was easy to get back to talking. I guess she met a couple of guys who were assholes, and deleted her profile. But I told her she should meet me because I'm not like that, and she said okay.
As for what I asked her: She was talking about how things have been difficult, and she feels upset, like nothing's going right in her life. I told her that she's doing well -- at least from my perspective -- and is a nice person, and that if she needs to talk to send me a message. She responded with a heart.
I then said something about not minding talking and helping her, but that I'd appreciate it if she would tell me her thoughts on the whole dating thing, because she's been sending mixed signals and I'm confused.
To that, she replied, "I'm playing the field." I said okay.
I paid for our first date, and she wanted to return the favour by treating me the next time. I appreciated it.
EDIT: I actually just set up a date with another girl. We met on OkC about a year ago, and texted a lot but never met. I thought about her, because I liked talking to her (we had stopped months ago as things petered out), and sent her a message today. Once I told her who it was (she had deleted me from her text contacts, I guess), it was easy to get back to talking. I guess she met a couple of guys who were assholes, and deleted her profile. But I told her she should meet me because I'm not like that, and she said okay.
Hey guys, I just wanted to apologize for all the times I didn't take your advice with my situation. You were totally right. If any of you have ducked in the mental health OT in the last week, you know how the situation is ending. It's exactly what you guys said would happen.
So basically, I've learned my lesson and know now that you guys know your shit. I actually may have an opportunity with a new girl coming up soon, so I guess I need to change my thinking about dating before that happens.
So basically, I've learned my lesson and know now that you guys know your shit. I actually may have an opportunity with a new girl coming up soon, so I guess I need to change my thinking about dating before that happens.
People here aren't saying shit for kicks and giggles. They are giving out advice because (the majority of the time) they have already experienced and lived through the consequences of their actions/inaction.
The best thing you can do is learn from the experience. That is how you become a better person, not only in dating, but in life.
ZackieChan
Member
Yep, I've been a simp, a "nice guy," a pushover, been friendzoned, you name it. I still occasionally over think when she doesn't text right away. But in the last few years I've grown to understand my value and I'm never nervous on dates anymore. It's a pretty awesome feeling. I wish I had this thread years ago. Didn't know it existed.
<3 GAF
I'm already picking out the things I did wrong and working to change them. I think ultimately, we were just never going to be a good fit for each other, and the fact that there was some uncertainty about if anything could ever happen, whether a little or a lot, made us not being able to be friends anymore inevitable. Live and learn, I guess. It sucks, but I'm accepting my mistakes and hoping I can not repeat them.
This is what I need. I need to start being myself. I've realized that, while I was myself around her, I also catered far too much to what I thought she wanted from me. I need to find someone I feel comfortable being myself around, not someone I feel I need to play games with just to get a date. I need to be comfortable with myself and with whoever I'm with, or else it's never going to work out.
Use both fingers while swiping. Thumb only begins to hurt for sure.
For real though, dating should be fun. If it's a chore then you are dating the wrong girls.
Edit: You added more... if you aren't clicking don't talk to them! And if you are just talking and not meeting then you are wasting your time. Get out on dates, don't chat too much, don't invest too much time or energy into any one girl especially before you've had at least a few dates. Enjoy life.
I've been in a relationship for the last two years. Very happy, lots of firsts. She's honestly my first adult relationship(I'm 25).
But there this girl in my program that has been increasing my interest for the past month. I didn't even find her attractive at first(met her last aug), but the more I talk to her, the more the attraction grows. Her personality just keeps grabbing me. Even this week I felt like my mind was at a constant tug of war and it makes me feel like such an asshole.
I would be lying if I wasn't curious if she would go out for lunch or something If I wasn't in a relationship.
But there this girl in my program that has been increasing my interest for the past month. I didn't even find her attractive at first(met her last aug), but the more I talk to her, the more the attraction grows. Her personality just keeps grabbing me. Even this week I felt like my mind was at a constant tug of war and it makes me feel like such an asshole.
I would be lying if I wasn't curious if she would go out for lunch or something If I wasn't in a relationship.
That's apparently pretty normal. Ideally you would have a partner that you can talk to about things like that without worrying them too much, but that's often not the case. Just try to do the right thing I guess.
ZackieChan
Member
"Ideally," sure. But 99.9% of significant others wouldn't take too kindly to hearing that you may have feelings or are curious about dating someone else.
I wish it wasn't like that though, I don't like having to lie to people. I'm pretty set on laying out that it's something that happens to me from the beginning and that it's nothing to worry about if I ever get the chance, as bad an idea as that may be. My ex always got super emotional about any perceived slight (not romantice slights just general) and even though she was able to say that she didn't like feeling that way and she knew she was probably taking things the wrong way because that's just what she did. I feel like if I end up in a long-term relationship again I want it to be with something I can be frank with and have them understand.
(I think my best friend's attitude has been rubbing off on me lately)
Royal_Phalanx
Member
The girl told me "maybe, if I have time" when I tried to set up a meeting. I guess that's the end of that, I'm not too bothered by it because I doubt we're even compatible in the first place.
chicko1983
Member
I can say that going on dates with people I'm not attracted physically to, improved my game 10 times. I supposed it helped that they were attracted to me, otherwise they wouldn't have gone out on the date.
It forced me to learn how to make chit chat, with someone who I didn't have a burning desire to speak to, which is invaluable.
Do it if you want to learn how to talk to the opposite sex. And you never know, you might even have some fun.
Count Dookkake
Member
Never.
I let a fat girl blow me once and I felt a lot of guilt over using her like that.
Lesson learned.
Eh...I'd never use a girl I outright found unattractive for the experience...doesn't seem like a nice thing to do.
I HAVE chosen less attractive girls that I got along with better over hotter girls whose personality I didn't like as much. That's different though as there's still some degree of attraction.
I HAVE chosen less attractive girls that I got along with better over hotter girls whose personality I didn't like as much. That's different though as there's still some degree of attraction.
backflip10019
Member
Don't think of it like that. Fat girls need loving too, and you were there to provide that love to her.
Congrats!
User 479360
Banned
I've always tried to not be shallow, and am attracted to a lot of women who other guys seem not to be as into. Weight isn't a huge issue for me. But I do find myself more attracted to women with nicer bodies.
Hair/faces are a big thing to me.
I feel guilty, though, because my friend did the same for me and she has an out of country boyfriend. I invited her over to hang out before we went to do something -- and had no plans to do anything with her -- but it just happened. It was her idea, she cheats, etc. but still.
iRAWRasaurus
Banned
Wish me luck DatingGAF.
ZackieChan
Member
Good luck!
Royal_Phalanx
Member
Read a passage in Mark Manson's Models that immediately resonated with me called "Finding Your Truth". In my case, figuring out why I crave validation from everyone and bend over backwards to please everyone and why I hate myself so much, and need external validation especially from women to try and convince myself why I'm not a shitty human being. I cringe at my post from last night, and at myself for failing to connect with people in a meaningful sense for so long. Acquaintances from university have completely forgotten that I even exist, for instance.
Adam_Roman
Member
I started talking to this girl a week ago when we matched on Tinder. We went on a date on Saturday and we had a good time, but we were barely talking for the next few days. Today she tells me her ex called her the day after our date and while she would never take him back, it opened some old wounds and she's not sure if she's ready to date and needs a couple days to think about things. While I'm not sure I believe that, I told her I support whatever she decides, and would just like to know her answer instead of her just cutting all contact.
I hate that it's effecting my mood so negatively. I mean, we've only been on one date and it's not exactly like sparks were flying, but we did get along well and she seemed cool and it felt like there was potential for something and now it's just gone in a matter of seconds.
I hate that it's effecting my mood so negatively. I mean, we've only been on one date and it's not exactly like sparks were flying, but we did get along well and she seemed cool and it felt like there was potential for something and now it's just gone in a matter of seconds.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
So asked a girl I've been talking to to meet up, she's been very friendly so far. She said "Can't this week hun, got plans with family, but we can next week 
"
I've been brushed off before, but this sounds positive right? Also dropped the 'I live with my parents' bombshell at the same time, so a bit on edge. I guess now to tow the line between being too laid back with nailing down a day so she makes specific plans and asking every single day 'You free?'
"I've been brushed off before, but this sounds positive right? Also dropped the 'I live with my parents' bombshell at the same time, so a bit on edge. I guess now to tow the line between being too laid back with nailing down a day so she makes specific plans and asking every single day 'You free?'
So asked a girl I've been talking to to meet up, she's been very friendly so far. She said "Can't this week hun, got plans with family, but we can next week
I've been brushed off before, but this sounds positive right? Also dropped the 'I live with my parents' bombshell at the same time, so a bit on edge. I guess now to tow the line between being too laid back with nailing down a day so she makes specific plans and asking every single day 'You free?'
If you haven't responded yet then just tell her "Sure sounds good". I'd follow up with just making light conversation every other or third day (just asking how her day was or tell a story from your own) until Monday or so. Don't be too eager, just play it cool. Then on Monday you can suggest one or two days of that week for her to choose from. This makes you seem busy and like you got shit else to do other than just pining to spend time with her. Hint: the best way to actually not be too eager and actually be busy is to go out with other women while she's busy.
This is just my take though.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
Really good advice man, thank you! I think that's the right answer. I would go out with other women, but no idea where I'd get that date haha. I am joining a gym though
I definitely need to work with playing it cool, my friends all give me shit for it.I kinda did a rough version of this before reading the book without realizing it. I thought I was living a decently interesting life for a while, and had plenty of friends if not necessarily an amazing social life...but at the same time, I was striking out with women so hard and I had no idea why. My insecurities always got the best of me and I often ended up shooting myself in the foot because of it.
Not to go into a long detailed psychoanalytic post here - but it really had more to do with my fear of social rejection in a general sense rather than with women in particular. (There's a lot more to it than that, but don't feel comfortable posting here necessarily. That's the gist of it though). And there's no realm more nerve-wracking for that than dating, with its constant ups and downs.
Once I figured that out, I could take steps to deal with it. I went through a long period about 3-4 years ago when I was really trying to focus on improving myself as much as possible - and no surprise, people started to take notice. Now when I visit the place I lived back then, people remark on how much more confident I seem.
After that I was in a place that wasn't really conducive to dating for a couple years, but being back in a major city, I'm learning/re-learning everything and it's been a blast so far despite some hiccups. It still sucks getting rejected and blown out sometimes, but it's still worth it when you do have that one successful date with a nice girl (which I did last week).
If you're (general you) one of the many guys here who can not even send a text without freaking out, something much deeper is obviously there that needs to be addressed.
I had a girl chat me up last night (surprisingly), but since she's only here for a few days (and I was shattered from work) I stupidly didn't take things further...
In any case I have a date tomorrow night with a girl from Tinder, so fingers crossed things go well.
I really can't say I'm surprised it went down as it did.
In any case I have a date tomorrow night with a girl from Tinder, so fingers crossed things go well.
I told him months ago to ask her out, but he was too apprehensive to ask her out.
I really can't say I'm surprised it went down as it did.
I'm not sure if you're looking for advice but If you are, don't sweat the "should I have hugged/kissed/made-out at the end" thing for a first date. People's comfortability levels with what to do at the end of a date vary way too much for it to be something to worry about. She had fun from what you've written and is definitely willing to meet up again. That's all that matters. Congrats on the first and potential second date!
Yeah, thanks for the affirmation! I thought it went pretty solid and she told me was down to meet up again. I'll follow up with her either tonight or tomorrow since she mentioned she has a bridesmaid training to do in the evening and teaches a yoga class in the early morning.
My therapist and I made a promise that I would ask girls out on a second date between now and my next session with him in two weeks since I tend to dismiss girls if the chemistry wasn't there on the first date. So the challenge is on.
User 479360
Banned
I got more messages from her today. They add on to her previous message of, "Sorry. I didn't mean to confuse you. I'm just playing the field right now."
"And it's going horribly."
"You're the only nice guy I've met. The rest are fuckboys."
I just said thanks.
"And it's going horribly."
"You're the only nice guy I've met. The rest are fuckboys."
I just said thanks.
ZackieChan
Member
If you had approached this with confidence, things would be in a very different place right now.
MrS
Banned
yablewit.jpeg
Miles Quaritch
Member
Why did you even reply? Why are still keeping in contact? Why haven't you deleted her info and started to talk to other women?
What's going on here, Chewie?
She cancelled, but I think I dodged a massive bullet.
She sent me a message saying how she's in a bad place at the moment and doesn't want to bring me down with her...
Would I be stupid to offer chatting with her if she ever wanted to? Obviously she's not someone I'd go out with, but I'm generally pretty concerned for her well being now...
Miles Quaritch
Member
So you met yesterday and you're already pretty concerned about her well being?
You're overly invested and you need to realise this now before you get dragged into her situation and start to develop feelings, although the feeling part may already be too late with how you're already 'pretty concerned' about her well being.
Very true.
I've not met her.
Trust me when I say I'm not emotionally invested, her text just surprised me.
It's a lot of baggage I obviously don't want to deal with, I just hope she's getting help.
I'll probably just wish her well and end it at that.
They didn't even meet. She cancelled. I guess if he has absolutely nothing better to do in his life he can talk to her but otherwise he should stay far away lol not sure how this is a question.
Edit : he answered you already oops
Miles Quaritch
Member
I mean, if you haven't even actually met and she initiated the chat on tinder, she's probably looking for someone to message and chat to, maybe to lay her problems on/vent and someone to make her feel better about herself.
This might make me sound like a dick but she's not your problem. She's a stranger who you owe nothing to and vice versa. I'm sure she has a good support base around her to get help, you don't need to worry about her or hope she gets help or be the person she can lay her troubles/baggage on.
I wouldn't even wish her well. I'd just move on, but that's just me...
Yeah, I didn't catch that. I thought by chatting him up, he meant they met at a bar or something.
I think I can understand why he might be thinking about it. He's still caught in the euphoric high of a cute woman chatting him up, it can be deadly if it's not something you're used to...
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