Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.

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I accidentally made a really good connection through an initial fuck up. I was new to the area so i was running through all the profiles. Got a good amount of matches. Of course most never respond because they likely just want to see how many men picked them. Anyways, I had a nice little message and I copied and pasted it to several women. I accidentally forgot to change the name on one and a girl called me out. We joked about it for a bit and i told her I would move on as I cant rebound from that mistake. She called me a quitter and we have been chatting for days. Already getting sexy photos and whatnot.we are going to see Amy Schumer in a couple days. She probably isn't the next love of my life but she is funny as shit and likes to show off her body. That is a friend I will hapilly accept.

Also the laziest thing on Tinder is not just saying hi. It is for you to write a nice original message and for them to like said message and not reply. Fuck that.


I still haven't encountered a person who won't reply. I've only been tindering for like 2 days, but I messaged like 15 and all have replied, at least once. lol

Maybe I'm just getting lucky, or I'm putting thought into my messages. I'm just looking to be goofy, so I don't take it too seriously.

For instance, a country listening girl that enjoys mudding n beer n rednecks:

"Sorry ____, I'm a city boy that doesn't even know what mudding entails, besides mud. I've heard of Keith Richards, and Toby Maguire but I'm not even sure they're country singers tbh. And I drive a Chevy Cruze, eco."

Pothead girl with cats in 2 out of 5 pics:

"I guarantee to you that I can take better cat pic selfies."

Girl who was smiling in every pic who said she's a dental hygienist:

"Are you actually a Dental Hygienist or are you just listing that to brag about your perfect smile?"


It's fun, mostly I don't even give a shit about meeting up for now. If it happens it happens, but for now I'm just talking to cool people.
 
Good to hear you never really stopped. This is exactly how dating should be approached until you've both sat down and discussed how serious the relationship is.

And don't worry about getting hung up on something, so long as you see you are and make efforts to pull yourself away from that situation, which is exactly what you're doing. It sucks that this happened, but there's someone better out there for you, Banj. Just have to find them...

Oh ya definitely. This is a perfect example of that philosophy.

And yes, it does suck. I like the girl and wanted to see where we could go, but we are both single (despite talking all the time and hanging out on the regular, thats really what we were...two single people having a good time with no commitment) and if she wants to reconnect with her ex of a few years then who am I to try and get all bent out of shape about it and get mad at her. She's still a good girl, I don't have any hard feelings...just met her at the probably wrong time. There's really no point beating myself up over it. With that being said, we have been small talking a little bit, so just rolling with everything but continuing to pursue my options out there :)

In the meantime, between the gym, work, and talking to other girls on some apps, I have really been keeping my mind busy so I haven't been dwelling on it too much the past couple of days. Keeping the mind busy :P.
 
Isn't that what a barcade is?

Anyway, I don't see much issue with it unless you are getting drunk by yourself on a regular basis.
 
going to a bar alone, yeah or nay? It's a bar with a geek theme.

I do this all the time, though I haven't done it as much recently because online dating is so convenient (also where I live non-smoking bars are rare). Not awkward unless you make it awkward, plenty of other people do it too.
 
I do this all the time, though I haven't done it as much recently because online dating is so convenient (also where I live non-smoking bars are rare). Not awkward unless you make it awkward, plenty of other people do it too.

It's my usual go-to. What kind of geek theme?
 
I do this all the time, though I haven't done it as much recently because online dating is so convenient (also where I live non-smoking bars are rare). Not awkward unless you make it awkward, plenty of other people do it too.

Know any good bars that I can hit up alone in Tokyo?

Just do it (although a bar with a geek theme sounds awful)

Folsom Street Foundry in San Francisco is pretty rad...
 
So this new girl started at work a few weeks ago (restaurant, not some 9-5 office career job so no fucks given about dating coworkers).

She's just working weekends because she has uni mon-fri.
So after her second week I asked her if she wanted to grab dinner one night and got her number. Texted her during the week to organise a night, and she was super flirty over text which really surprised me as she's really shy in person. Anyway she had some stuff going on so delayed it to the next week.

So then at work on the weekend she's back to being shy and reserved, but we had lunch break together and chatted a bit, she said Sunday would work best for dinner.

So once Sunday arrives it'll have been a full 2 weeks since I actually asked her, which seems crazy long. But idk maybe she is just busy and is she interested.
Should I text her this week or something and stay in contact, or just wait until I see her at work on Saturday?

I'm 22, she's 18 btw.
 
Have you ever interrogated yourself on why you deem yourself to be ugly? I know it's not based on external factors because you've been calling yourself ugly here for years while everyone disagrees. Even if you ever got a boyfriend, that self-loathing wouldn't go away as you'd be constantly doubting why that person got with you. There's nothing wrong with having some pride and ego in yourself to consider yourself attractive, to go into the mirror and say "Yeah actually, I'm all that".

I get that it's a harder sell for women to love their image when a whole industry has been built around focusing on fixing "imperfections" so that people have been conditioned to take for granted on their looks. I know it's corny but the "You're more beautiful than you think" sketch video is inspiring: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=litXW91UauE

Deep down, I don't believe you think of yourself as so ugly because you've used a real picture of yourself as an avatar for a while so there is some modicum of satisfaction for your appearance enough to be ok with posting your face here. That's a pretty big step, compared to people here who consider themselves ugly and could never imagine posting a picture of themselves.

External and internal.

I don't want a boyfriend. Just a friend.

Using a picture of myself is one part trying to normalize it (if I have to look at it, maybe I won't hate it), but generally devolves into one part "see, look how ugly I am, y'all" and one part "look at how ugly I am, I am so ugly". It also deters me from posting sometimes so I don't have to look at myself so often, so I don't post quite as much dumb shit on here as I might haha. I still post too much though.

Anyway, no one will ever change how ugly I am and what I and others think of myself so it's really no good to try, so it's not a conversation for this topic.
 
So I've had this problem with online dating for a while - I normally do OK with initial messages, but once I get a reply I completely freeze and I have no idea what to say. Normally I go for a joke, but that rarely works - Any tips on text/dating etiquette
 
So I've had this problem with online dating for a while - I normally do OK with initial messages, but once I get a reply I completely freeze and I have no idea what to say. Normally I go for a joke, but that rarely works - Any tips on text/dating etiquette

Go wherever the conversation naturally leads. What replies are you getting that cause you to freeze? If she asks a question try answering it, maybe following up with one of your own. If she's not showing interest and just giving one word responses maybe that's why you don't know what to say next. Try only engaging with people that are also interested, then conversation is simple.
 
So I've had this problem with online dating for a while - I normally do OK with initial messages, but once I get a reply I completely freeze and I have no idea what to say. Normally I go for a joke, but that rarely works - Any tips on text/dating etiquette

How are you in real life conversations?
 
How are you in real life conversations?

Mostly awkward around people I don't know. But I can hold a conversation.

I just draw a complete blank. It's like I have put so much thought and effort into being origional getting a response that I don't know where to go next.
 
Mostly awkward around people I don't know. But I can hold a conversation.

I just draw a complete blank. It's like I have put so much thought and effort into being origional getting a response that I don't know where to go next.

Just start asking questions. "Are you from around here?" "What do you do for a living?" "What do you like to do in your free time?" Hopefully the conversation can naturally branch from the answers she gives, although if it stalls, just ask another question. Throw in some fun ones too. I ask about travelling, food, dream vacations, books, movies, etc. It's not hard really.
 
Just start asking questions. "Are you from around here?" "What do you do for a living?" "What do you like to do in your free time?" Hopefully the conversation can naturally branch from the answers she gives, although if it stalls, just ask another question. Throw in some fun ones too. I ask about travelling, food, dream vacations, books, movies, etc. It's not hard really.

Yeah, that's basically what I do. Feel them out until you find hooks for deeper conversation.
 
How would guys deal or say to a woman who tells you "Im not a happy person, but I try to generally just try to "be" in life"?
 
I would ask them how does one be? If they don't have an answer, I really wouldn't find them interesting.

I know shes said shes is suffered from depression since she was a kid, Ive never seen it, we hangout and always have fun. Most Ive seen/heard is days we dont hang out and Ill text and she says shes having a hard time getting out of bed/showered etc.. Days shes like that I come over and she usually gets her shit together and we catch a bite.

She has a slew of horror stories about dating as well as life, lots of people screwing her over. I worry Im looking to find someone to be happy with and enjoy myself/life with and shes just looking for "Everything is ok and I can exist on cruise control"

We actually had a semi-arguement about the word "complacent" a couple of weeks ago. I stated I wasnt happy with being complacent, it seemed stagnant. She on the other hand was appalled, said thats all she wants is to be complacent with me, said I dont understand the word.

Feel as if Im far to lofty maybe? Im searching for story book romance, love, passion, etc.. and shes just happy not getting dumped and having someone to watch TV with.
 
Sounds like you have extremely different values and expectations. In my experience it is a recipe for disaster. Proceed with caution or not at all.
 
She needs to be in therapy and/or on meds. It's not your place or responsibility to be her psychiatrist or doctor.

If you are not happy where the relationship is going and she is not willing to work on it at all, it might be time to call it a day.
 
I sent a text just now asking what "be" means and she just said "being"

I asked if that meant "cruise control" and she said I made it sound robotic.

I asked her to please elaborate more but she hasnt just yet responded...

I think shes beautiful, funny, smart
 
She may be all of that, but she is depressed. You're not going to be able to change her around into something she is not (nor willing to be) at this point in her life and she will probably grow to resent you and get even more withdrawn if you continue down this way.
 
Being in life, happy to be complacent.

Not to sound like a dick, but why are you still engaging? There are lots of other, smart, beautiful and funny women out there so why are you fixated on one that's clearly making you unhappy?
 
She may be all of that, but she is depressed. You're not going to be able to change her around into something she is not (nor willing to be) at this point in her life and she will probably grow to resent you and get even more withdrawn if you continue down this way.

Basically. She's looking to drag someone down to where she is. There's no good that will come of this, you should really move on and just forget about her.

And I know that sounds cruel, but are you willing to be unhappy? Are you willing to spend what will become years trying to lift her up? Her issues aren't your problem, leave her to deal with them on her own. Point in the right direction to get help, but don't enable her behavjour by sticking around.
 
Being in life, happy to be complacent.

Not to sound like a dick, but why are you still engaging? There are lots of other, smart, beautiful and funny women out there so why are you fixated on one that's clearly making you unhappy?

She doesnt make me unhappy, she makes me confused really.
Makes me worry about what kind of future is in store for us. She said she doesnt want my help, doesnt expect me to change her or take care of her, just doesnt want to be "abandoned" pretty much.

We are like best friends but she seems detached from love, romace, etc..

I worry Im involved with a person who could be my best-friend but has differing wants in needs in a relationship.

Admittedly yesterday I was a little childish but did a test...
I didnt text her as much, mostly responses, maybe a quarter of the amount I text her.
Before bed, and 2 hours since we last chatted I said "guess your not to chatty, off to bed goodnight"
She said I wasnt also so I couldnt say that.
I, stupidly, explained it was a test..said "I wanted to see how much we talked if I didnt initiate or carry a conversation"
So childsih of me to do that, and dumb for me to tell her.
She told me she didnt do test, called me deceptive.

I gave my usual good morning text and she asked if I was gonna test her today or treat her like a human being who has feelings...ugh..shot myself in the foot.
 
Man, nothing is worse than a great date that leads to nothing. I really thought this one girl liked me, but after having to rain-check a second date, she won't text me back
 
She doesnt make me unhappy, she makes me confused really.
Makes me worry about what kind of future is in store for us. She said she doesnt want my help, doesnt expect me to change her or take care of her, just doesnt want to be "abandoned" pretty much.

We are like best friends but she seems detached from love, romace, etc..

I worry Im involved with a person who could be my best-friend but has differing wants in needs in a relationship.

Admittedly yesterday I was a little childish but did a test...
I didnt text her as much, mostly responses, maybe a quarter of the amount I text her.
Before bed, and 2 hours since we last chatted I said "guess your not to chatty, off to bed goodnight"
She said I wasnt also so I couldnt say that.
I, stupidly, explained it was a test..said "I wanted to see how much we talked if I didnt initiate or carry a conversation"
So childsih of me to do that, and dumb for me to tell her.
She told me she didnt do test, called me deceptive.

I gave my usual good morning text and she asked if I was gonna test her today or treat her like a human being who has feelings...ugh..shot myself in the foot.

When you reach a point where you're 'testing' someone, it's time to move on.

And maybe she was only ever destined to be a friend? Might be time to consider this as the outcome but also prepare for her cutting off all contact, but this doesn't sound like it's sustainable at all.

It really sounds like unhappiness to me, but that's just me....
 
Man, nothing is worse than a great date that leads to nothing. I really thought this one girl liked me, but after having to rain-check a second date, she won't text me back

Maybe try not to become too invested after just one date?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you shouldn't be feeling this way after just one date.
 
She doesnt make me unhappy, she makes me confused really.
Makes me worry about what kind of future is in store for us. She said she doesnt want my help, doesnt expect me to change her or take care of her, just doesnt want to be "abandoned" pretty much.

We are like best friends but she seems detached from love, romace, etc..

I worry Im involved with a person who could be my best-friend but has differing wants in needs in a relationship.

Admittedly yesterday I was a little childish but did a test...
I didnt text her as much, mostly responses, maybe a quarter of the amount I text her.
Before bed, and 2 hours since we last chatted I said "guess your not to chatty, off to bed goodnight"
She said I wasnt also so I couldnt say that.
I, stupidly, explained it was a test..said "I wanted to see how much we talked if I didnt initiate or carry a conversation"
So childsih of me to do that, and dumb for me to tell her.
She told me she didnt do test, called me deceptive.

I gave my usual good morning text and she asked if I was gonna test her today or treat her like a human being who has feelings...ugh..shot myself in the foot.

There is no future. She has already told you straight up she is fine being complacent and not doing anything besides sitting around.

Like I said, the more you try and play doctor, she will grow more cold and distant.

It is one thing to admit that you are depressed, it is quite another to admit you need help. Much like an alcoholic or drug addict, depressed people have a particular ego-centric world view and people who try to change them are the enemy - "you don't know me", "you don't know what I went through", "you're just trying to change me", "you're being selfish" and so on. It is easier to deal with what is familiar (mopey indifference or blind anger) than to open up and experience real feelings, because that might lead to hurt.

Miles' use of "enabling" above is ringing true to me. She is using you as a nice guy lifeline to validate that she is ok in life. I'm not saying everyone needs to be happy go lucky rainbows and bunnies, but in general, if your goal is to be complacent, there are serious underlying issues.

She may be a nice friend, but sounds like she is a terrible girlfriend. Relationships are supposed to be symbotic, where both parties benefit, not a fixer upper project that needs to be constantly worked on.
 
There is no future. She has already told you straight up she is fine being complacent and not doing anything besides sitting around.

Like I said, the more you try and play doctor, she will grow more cold and distant.

It is one thing to admit that you are depressed, it is quite another to admit you need help. Much like an alcoholic or drug addict, depressed people have a particular ego-centric world view and people who try to change them are the enemy - "you don't know me", "you don't know what I went through", "you're just trying to change me", "you're being selfish" and so on. It is easier to deal with what is familiar (mopey indifference or blind anger) than to open up and experience real feelings, because that might lead to hurt.

Miles' use of "enabling" above is ringing true to me. She is using you as a nice guy lifeline to validate that she is ok in life. I'm not saying everyone needs to be happy go lucky rainbows and bunnies, but in general, if your goal is to be complacent, there are serious underlying issues.

She may be a nice friend, but sounds like she is a terrible girlfriend. Relationships are supposed to be symbotic, where both parties benefit, not a fixer upper project that needs to be constantly worked on.

This is what she told me about complacency, besides telling me I have the definition skewed (I said always wanting more, better)
She said it means safety, security, basically finding that nook and not and settling in. She said to my version of it just means she/we arent good enough.
She said she wants complacency with me.

And yes, her EGO is huge. She thinks she is a better person then anyone. She routinely talks about how she has never touched a drug, has a masters degree, never lies and isnt afraid to be honest to anyone, and has never been disloyal in a relationship or to a friend. She always tells me she is 100% happy with herself and wouldnt change a single trait, she "knows" herself and would never change cause she has no flaws.
To me...I feel as if maybe shes a narcissistic person and me an empath..a dangerous coupling cause shes feeding off me?
But all those things you said an ego-centric depressed person said/says...she has said them all too me.

Its been a roller-coaster, been in this for 7 months.

Maybe im jumping the gun but at 36 and in for 7 months Im looking ahead. I do love her and I figure 7months+love= start thinking about the future. Am I "jumping ahead" to much?
Feel at my age, and she 32, 7 months is where you start thinking about maybe living together or marriage? Not soon mind you but "hey once we hit a year we should discuss this"
 
Basically. She's looking to drag someone down to where she is. There's no good that will come of this, you should really move on and just forget about her.

And I know that sounds cruel, but are you willing to be unhappy? Are you willing to spend what will become years trying to lift her up? Her issues aren't your problem, leave her to deal with them on her own. Point in the right direction to get help, but don't enable her behavjour by sticking around.

I'm still learning this. It's so easy for me to be a "fixer" and a martyr in relationships that it scares me. I'm breaking the pattern though and changing a lot of my approaches so hopefully this won't be an issue for much longer.
 
Can we ask about okcupid stuff, or no?

The first 2 weeks I was king shit and now nothing. Like I haven't even had a view in like a week. Is there some kind of algorithm that I fell into that makes me invisible to women? Or is it just my ugly face?
 
I'm still learning this. It's so easy for me to be a "fixer" and a martyr in relationships that it scares me. I'm breaking the pattern though and changing a lot of my approaches so hopefully this won't be an issue for much longer.

My friends call me "Captain Save-A-Ho"

I swear I have some ability to find broken women.
I think it stems from me having low self esteem. Only reason I can think of.
 
This is what she told me about complacency, besides telling me I have the definition skewed (I said always wanting more, better)
She said it means safety, security, basically finding that nook and not and settling in. She said to my version of it just means she/we arent good enough.
She said she wants complacency with me.

And yes, her EGO is huge. She thinks she is a better person then anyone. She routinely talks about how she has never touched a drug, has a masters degree, never lies and isnt afraid to be honest to anyone, and has never been disloyal in a relationship or to a friend. She always tells me she is 100% happy with herself and wouldnt change a single trait, she "knows" herself and would never change cause she has no flaws.
To me...I feel as if maybe shes a narcissistic person and me an empath..a dangerous coupling cause shes feeding off me?
But all those things you said an ego-centric depressed person said/says...she has said them all too me.

Its been a roller-coaster, been in this for 7 months.

Maybe im jumping the gun but at 36 and in for 7 months Im looking ahead. I do love her and I figure 7months+love= start thinking about the future. Am I "jumping ahead" to much?
Feel at my age, and she 32, 7 months is where you start thinking about maybe living together or marriage? Not soon mind you but "hey once we hit a year we should discuss this"

I assumed you and the GF were way younger. Yeah in my upper 30s there would be no way I would tolerate her behavior. She is trying to use guilt to manipulate you. Complacency to her is you being a lap dog and not questioning anything. She is not relationship material. Bail out.

One of the good things about getting older is that women tend to be much clearer about who they are and what they want. Plus the little tricks they pull in their teens and 20s can be more clearly seen for the BS they are because we don't have as much baby batter on the brain.

Your GF is an emotional vampire and will continue to suck the life from you until you too are fine with doing nothing with your life, because misery loves company. The ironic thing is that she will probably be the one to cheat or break up with you because you're boring, don't appreciate her, or whatever BS reason she dreams up. Life's too short to spend with people that do not appreciate you. There are plenty of women out there in your age range who are looking for the same things you are.

The white knight/save a ho mentality often comes from people that grew up in chaos (bad relationships, abuse, etc) so we tend (even subconsciously) to look for those traits because they became imprinted at an early age and hard to shake off. The bad relationship is also enabling you - "I'm helping" "I can't leave" "She needs me" - but these things are ultimately you trying to help yourself through the other person. It's codependency and not healthy.
 
Can we ask about okcupid stuff, or no?

The first 2 weeks I was king shit and now nothing. Like I haven't even had a view in like a week. Is there some kind of algorithm that I fell into that makes me invisible to women? Or is it just my ugly face?
Be hot = get views and responses. Not hot = forever a scone. Online dating in a nutshell.
 
Can we ask about okcupid stuff, or no?

The first 2 weeks I was king shit and now nothing. Like I haven't even had a view in like a week. Is there some kind of algorithm that I fell into that makes me invisible to women? Or is it just my ugly face?

The first weeks of any dating site will be the best. No one in your city has seen your profile before, so there's thousands of people seeing someone new and clicking on you. After that initial period, the amount of people for whom you are new declines sharply.

You'll notice the same thing when travelling. Log into OKC in a new city, you'll get dozens of likes.
 
I assumed you and the GF were way younger. Yeah in my upper 30s there would be no way I would tolerate her behavior. She is trying to use guilt to manipulate you. Complacency to her is you being a lap dog and not questioning anything. She is not relationship material. Bail out.

One of the good things about getting older is that women tend to be much clearer about who they are and what they want. Plus the little tricks they pull in their teens and 20s can be more clearly seen for the BS they are because we don't have as much baby batter on the brain.

Your GF is an emotional vampire and will continue to suck the life from you until you too are fine with doing nothing with your life, because misery loves company. The ironic thing is that she will probably be the one to cheat or break up with you because you're boring, don't appreciate her, or whatever BS reason she dreams up. Life's too short to spend with people that do not appreciate you. There are plenty of women out there in your age range who are looking for the same things you are.

The white knight/save a ho mentality often comes from people that grew up in chaos (bad relationships, abuse, etc) so we tend (even subconsciously) to look for those traits because they became imprinted at an early age and hard to shake off. The bad relationship is also enabling you - "I'm helping" "I can't leave" "She needs me" - but these things are ultimately you trying to help yourself through the other person. It's codependency and not healthy.

This. So much this. It sucks, and you'll most likely ignore it, but if you don't you'll be infinitely happier.
 
Was late to a first date by 2 minutes and she left. Exchanged a few texts and she seemed to be light hearted about it and offered to reschedule.

I think she sent me a text during the day (no way to tell when it was really sent) to confirm a second time but I don't have access to my phone during work hours so she probably thought I wasn't gonna show?

I took total blame but 2 minutes though...
 
Maybe try not to become too invested after just one date?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you shouldn't be feeling this way after just one date.

Yeah, that's a super bad habit I have. It's rare for me to have more than one date a month, so it's difficult for me to not get attached
 
Was late to a first date by 2 minutes and she left. Exchanged a few texts and she seemed to be light hearted about it and offered to reschedule.

I think she sent me a text during the day (no way to tell when it was really sent) to confirm a second time but I don't have access to my phone during work hours so she probably thought I wasn't gonna show?

I took total blame but 2 minutes though...

yeah I don't think she was there in the first place lol
 
Not gonna bailout just yet. Giving it another go next Thursday. Our texts were being all weird too so we've switched to Whatsapp. Let's see how this goes...
 
I know most of the time, bailing out at the first sign of trouble is a valid move, but sometimes the situation is different, and it can be worth trying again.
 
Can we ask about okcupid stuff, or no?

The first 2 weeks I was king shit and now nothing. Like I haven't even had a view in like a week. Is there some kind of algorithm that I fell into that makes me invisible to women? Or is it just my ugly face?

With online dating, there is an initial period where the platform "promotes" you and bumps you to the top of the list(s). After a bit, then you are back with the rest of the pack. You are now competing with everyone else.
 
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