Sho_Nuff82
Member
Why shouldn't we aspire to be happy all the time though? My parents stayed together despite their problems and were absolutely miserable. It didn't help.
Cheating on your SO
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Honestly in cases like these I think cheating should carry jail time or a fine at the least. It's amazing you can get done for hitting someone, yet someone can inflict this emotional pain (which lasts far longer and hurts so much worse) and get away with it scot free ...
Perhaps if we had laws in place people would think twice and do the decent thing.
Perhaps if we had laws in place people would think twice and do the decent thing.
Seraphinianus
Banned
That's why they call it "taking a chance" with someone. These threads make me feel bad for people who get stuck on step 1 of starting to talk with girls and getting dates, which is the easy and fun part.
No way.
The "punishment" here will be a much quicker divorce and possibly less or no money for her, depending on the state.
Officially yes. I have a GF for almost 5 years now and she was also my first proper one, but after 3 years I felt something lacking or that I am missing out on something. I didn't want to break up with her just because I wanted to have sex with someone else (that is probably because I love her) but around 2 years ago a girl I used to have a crush on (before my GF) made a move on me and I couldn't resist.
So we had an affair for about 2 years, and I was also the first guy she had sex with. Then she said she fell in love with me, which apparently ALWAYS seems to happen and we broke up, also because she has bulimia and went to therapy in another city.
So yeah, that is my story on cheating. Offend me, assault me, criticize me, throw rocks at me. I know I was being a dick but if my affair had not happened I would have broken up with my GF long ago even knowing that she is the perfect girl for me.
And I apologise for my so-so English as it is not my mother language.
I don't think people should stay together if they are unhappy. A clean break is the best for both parties. No sense to sacrifice your happiness.
Lazlo Woodbine
Member
Where'd you bury the body man.
let's just imagine that such law is imposed on a population. Nobody will get married anymore, lol.
Heh, and they say gays are responsible for ruining the sanctity of marriage? Look in the mirror folks.
Ironically, I think money is the main factor in whether or not you get married and whether or not you stay married.
CornBurrito
Member
But guys, I thought cheating wasn't the cheaters fault since something about their partner made them cheat.
Nice black and white worldview.
Nice black and white worldview.
My theory is that newer generations have become disillusioned with the idea of monogamous, single-partner relationships. Simultaneously, concepts like "open relationships" have gotten more traction. And yet, marriage is a major part of most cultures (laws, tax benefits, religion, etc.)
So on one hand, you have things like marriage and monogamy, concepts that are perpetuated by society, who have deemed this the "right" way to live romantically. And on the other side you have the newer generations, who feel societal pressure to "fit in" but also live in a world where tolerance and open-mindedness are increasingly trumpeted as ideals, ideals that don't really jive with the idea that there is only one correct way to pursue a long-term romantic partnership.
Just off the top of my head, take it for what it's worth.
So on one hand, you have things like marriage and monogamy, concepts that are perpetuated by society, who have deemed this the "right" way to live romantically. And on the other side you have the newer generations, who feel societal pressure to "fit in" but also live in a world where tolerance and open-mindedness are increasingly trumpeted as ideals, ideals that don't really jive with the idea that there is only one correct way to pursue a long-term romantic partnership.
Just off the top of my head, take it for what it's worth.
Omegasquash
Member
Listen, people have a right to find their own happiness, but not to pull the wool over someone's eyes like that. 3 years is a helluva long time. A week is a helluva long time. She should have manned up (for lack of a better word) and came to him to let him know there were problems as SOON as the feelings for someone else popped up.
If you're not happy and don't want to be with the person you're with, then get a divorce.
If you're not happy and want to work it out, seek counseling.
If you make a mistake, own up and come forward. It'll hurt, but way less than the guilt (and if you don't have the guilt, then you're just laughing at this thread anyway).
Nothing about any of this is easy. Neither are relationships. I wish your friend the best of luck, OP.
If you're not happy and don't want to be with the person you're with, then get a divorce.
If you're not happy and want to work it out, seek counseling.
If you make a mistake, own up and come forward. It'll hurt, but way less than the guilt (and if you don't have the guilt, then you're just laughing at this thread anyway).
Nothing about any of this is easy. Neither are relationships. I wish your friend the best of luck, OP.
Yeah, "got cheated on" type of thread rather than "know a cheater" type. There's almost no controversy here.
CornBurrito
Member
People in the cheating cousin thread said not to tell because the OP had no idea about the circumstances that led to the guy cheating.
Do we know what made the wife cheat?
ReadingRambo
Member
Shinobi.
Solideliquid
Member
So, just got back from an "emergency" breakfast with my best friend... the poor guy just found that that his wife has been cheating on him for 3 years... i was best man on their wedding 5 years ago.
What the hell prompts someone to cheat on their significant other? from where i´m standing, i´m seeing this happen more and more in society, a general lack of moral fiber, couples are breaking up left and right due to cheating, promiscuity is rampant and i feel like society as a whole is going to shit.
Maybe i´m just overreacting, but i would like to read other people´s thoughts on this. Do people just have less patience, these days, to work out their relationship issues or are the relationship themselves more and more messed up?
P.S Sorry for rant, office full of women is not the best place to let off some steam, so gaf is the next best thing.
How was breakfast?
Just got back from lunch, guys a wreck. My wife called his parents and they came over to take him to their place. Was taking a smoke with his dad out back and he was telling me the urge to go to the hospital and "punch her face in" was overwhelming for having messed up his son.
As bad as the situation is, why is our first reaction one of violence? i end up feeling worse for the simple fact that my first reaction to the news, and the one from most of our buddies that i have called to give him some support, is to "fuck her up".
Anyways, cheating sucks. Wish everyone had the courage to end a relationship before escalating to this kind of betrayal, but guess most people don´t.
P.S Funny that the first thing my wife said when i told her was: "you ever do that to me and i will cut off your balls and feed them to you". Oo
Edit:
It was more of a "chain smoking / coffee" than an "eating breakfast".
Didn´t want to go there. I asked if they were unhappy in any way and he said that everything was fine, apparently it wasn´t but at this point, i don´t think it´s a good idea to make him feel like he had any blame in this.
As bad as the situation is, why is our first reaction one of violence? i end up feeling worse for the simple fact that my first reaction to the news, and the one from most of our buddies that i have called to give him some support, is to "fuck her up".
Anyways, cheating sucks. Wish everyone had the courage to end a relationship before escalating to this kind of betrayal, but guess most people don´t.
P.S Funny that the first thing my wife said when i told her was: "you ever do that to me and i will cut off your balls and feed them to you". Oo
Edit:
It was more of a "chain smoking / coffee" than an "eating breakfast".
Didn´t want to go there. I asked if they were unhappy in any way and he said that everything was fine, apparently it wasn´t but at this point, i don´t think it´s a good idea to make him feel like he had any blame in this.
Twilight Princess
Member
you know your penis is shaped like a plunger exactly because humans cheat. personally i think we should be more like bonobos.
Motivations for cheating are irrelevant. Don't want to be with someone? Leave.
:lol How did you get that from my statement?
You can, and should, aspire to be happy. But you need to realize life doesn't work out that way.
Why is it that when someone learns about bonobos it's suddenly 'We should all fuck a lot cause a bunch of monkeys fuck a lot!'.
Who is spreading this psychobabble bullshit?
4 years ago when I was in college fully half my male friends approached me with this bonobo bullshit at various times. Is there some kind of underground monkey porn industry or something? Am I missing out on the latest fetish?
that's why i throw my feces and wave my dick around to attract a mate.
When I get wound up and stressed, I like punching things (not people) it's a great way to get that stress out of your head. Just think of it as a reflex to that instead of violence in general.
Anyway, what was your impression of the accused before this happened? Shame a guy has to go though this but it seems like he has a good support staff with the family and friends.
Steve Youngblood
Member
I agree, but the weakness (I'm scared to leave) or selfishness (I want the stable partner at home and exciting, new people on the side; I want it all) of the human character sometimes gets in the way. That's not a justification, mind you. If my wife cheated on me, I'd be pissed. I wouldn't remember the rationale above and think it's okay.
But what I'm getting at is that there's still some use in desiring to understand motivation. Going forward, it's helpful to understand why the relationship fell apart so as to be better prepared for any future ones.
I'd agree that getting cheated on isn't one's own fault. But perhaps there was contribution to the decline of the marriage. Essentially, what I'm getting at is that, assuming the significant other isn't a selfish and/or a coward, you'd still want to try to understand where it all went wrong if the conversation was "I want a divorce" as opposed to "I've been cheating on you."
I can totally agree with that but the reason part is a bit bullshit:
sure if you treat your SO like shit and don't care for them then it seems like a valid reason (it's not.) but most of the time it's not the case and the relationship is fine (or average at worst).
People simply do it because they can't repress the primal urge to fuck and think they can get away with it unnoticed (Hey she doesn't know, no harm done and I won't be looking elsewhere now! right???!).
It's pathetic because it shows a total lack of self-control and more importantly no respect at all for your SO.
Cheating is simply as low as one can get.
Looking back and trying not to let this incident color my opinion of her, i liked her, she´s funny, outgoing, smart and driven, at the time i thought that she was the perfect compliment to my friend as he was the kind of shy, introverted closet romantic that girls tend to like, my wife found them adorable together.
Despite her career as a successful doctor, they were not one of those couple where the more successful one dominates the other, at least as far as outward appearances went, and he never complained. The thing is, my friend is a good looking guy, girls in high school were crazy about him but he was too shy to do anything about it, she (the wife) is not the kind of women you would look twice if you passed by her in the street, i always assumed that he was a "good catch" for her, but apparently not.
I don´t know who this other guy is, just that he was apparently her boyhood crush, both from the mainland and by chance they both came her to the islands to work. At least that´s what i was told.
Speaking of which, i´m not sure how to react to the fact that one of our friends knew about the cheating for at least a year now and was her confidant in this mess. She said it was not her place to brake up their relationship...
Would you guys have told him if you knew? he´s my buddy, so i assume i would have the balls to, but even with proof it would take some serious courage.
/rambling off
Conciliator
Banned
Regardless of plungers or monkeys, there's every indication that cheating was common in the ancestral environment, among both men and women, suggesting it's 'natural'. Of course, both the idea that what is natural is always better and the idea that we would be inherently more happy and satisfied in a setting close to the ancestral environment are primitivism and not necessarily correct. I'm not really trying to declare how anyone should live, or what is right or wrong, other than to say that we should be aware of our natural instincts, and we should take responsibility for and accept the consequences of our actions.
Twilight Princess
Member
oh yes, just have a look at your local craigslist m4w section.
And now the controversy begins...
But If I knew the cheater I would voice my disapproval and before too long inform the cheatee. It's just not done.
You are an awful human being.
I eagerly await the day when you create a thread titled "My girlfriend found out I had been cheating on her for 2 years and cut off my balls and fed them to me
".Yeah. If my buddy was the cheater I'd make it very clear that he has X amount of time to come clean or I'd 'tell on him'.
If my buddy was getting cheated on and I found out, I'd tell him right away.
I actually think they want both though. They're conflicting and contradictory drives. In a natural more harmonious sense they aren't, it merely insures procreation, but in a world where we are completely self-aware they are at odds; one becoming detrimental to the other.
Religion seems to be the one most people talk about as being the reason for monogamy and marriage, but is it really that though? As I explained before, it seems to me to be rooted in the self-analysis and experience of basic drives. The dissecting and taking apart of our nature through experience and self-analysis. In other words, the basic desire of sexual gratification we call lust. The bonding and attachment to another we call love.
Lust we view as very primal, there is no right or wrong in it, it is merely a selfish desire for sexual gratification. I explored this in a very dark mind experiment. If you were stuck on a desert island with a female, where societies moral values and norms didn't exist, would you eventually rape that girl if she was completely uncooperative? Perhaps she is the most desirable woman you have ever seen, but she doesn't want to have sex with you. She is not interested in sex with you at all. It's not an easy question to answer is it? Simply because nature isn't about right or wrong. Lust isn't about what is morally acceptable, it is about selfish sexual gratification. From the perspective of nature it is only concerned with procreation.
Love in its broad sense is about the bond and attachment you have for another person. It can be quite selfless in that your concern is not so much about yourself, but it is about the other person. You try to make them happy, your protect them, you do what is in the best interest for that person. It is the root of basic morality. You deem what is right and wrong based on how it affects others. If someone murdered your children and wife in cold blood you instantly know it is wrong based on love. Love became a virtue, a principal for living.
Empathy is knowing and understanding the suffering of others based on your own experiences. This is also seen as a form of love in its broader sense. You know something is wrong based on your own self-analysis and experiences with suffering.
You can see how love became a model, a virtue for a greater standard of living. How morality formed on those principals. And how lust was deemed more primal, more animalistic.
Of course we all lust, we can't really escape that, it is more the fact that we gained a higher level of understanding. Greater more complex concepts were formed that shaped the reality in which we now exist.
Of course both are in our nature, therefore both manifest themselves within us. In fact both in some sense are interwoven. This sounds quite metaphysical, but through observation and experience we have reached a higher level of understanding/enlightenment on the nature of existence. We are on another plane of existence in comparison to other animals. This is because we became self-aware like Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. This had both a positive and negative effect. No longer do we live harmoniously as we have realised we are not one but two opposing forces. This created a clash, a conflicting war within ourselves. However by becoming self-aware we gained a greater understanding into the nature of existence itself.
Steve Youngblood
Member
I included selfishness in my spectrum of reasons.
Mammoth Jones
Member
I mean, I don't cheat because I could never hurt my girl like that. That's really it. I could never ever ever crush her like that. Ever. I'd rather tell her it's not gonna work out and move on.
With that said, do I find other women attractive.....ABSOLUTELY. I'm only human. But it's called self control. And respect for the years we've put in together.
With that said, do I find other women attractive.....ABSOLUTELY. I'm only human. But it's called self control. And respect for the years we've put in together.
zero margin
Member
I lost faith in humanity when that whats your price dating website opened.
PumpkinPie
Banned
Someone I worked with got married and right after the wedding found out his wife had been sleeping with someone else for months. I found out about it when I read the suicidal posts on his Facebook page :/
diamondstar
Member
This is me. I have been with my girl for 10+ years and on the verge of marriage. The thing is I have JUST started to realize that I may be in a bad relationship. It's not to the point where we are at each others throat or that she is a dead beat or anything ..It's just kinda meh and I feel I am going through the motions. And unfortunately cheating has been in the back of my mind for a while now. More than it has ever been.
The thing is I have met few men that haven't cheated. And you know what.. the ones that do seem way happier than me. Like a friend of mine.. He just got caught but his girl doesn't know the whole truth.. And she keeps finding out about more girls in the past.. Yet they are boning everyday. Whereas I am stressed the fuck out most of the time trying my hardest not to cheat.
And these days I wonder if it is worth it. I work my ass off(2jobs and working out almost daily) while she watches Tv shows and has little ambition. I feel shit like that may cause me to cheat. And yes I have had the conversations with her and hoped she would see the light and change but it doesn't look like it is possible..
So do I stay in a relationship where it isn't really that bad but I am ultimately not happy? Should I have a "one and done" and continue being a good man to my future wife?
Or do I end it and hurt her forever... Life and relationships can be impossible sometimes.
dreamcastmaster
Banned
Monogamy isn't natural, no wonder inability to follow social conditioning makes people "cheat".
I love posts like this.
They're usually posted by someone who has no idea how relationships work.
so you're saying you want everyone to be more like the people who post on the craigslist m4w section............
Omegasquash
Member
You need to take a little time and do an honest assessment, and get some serious external input from friends that you can trust. Remember, relationships that are worth it are two way streets, and if you don't feel like she's capable of meeting your expectations then you have EVERY RIGHT to ask yourself these questions. It won't hurt forever if you explore, but it will hurt forever if you marry someone that doesn't bring what you want to the relationship. And don't fall for promises. Delay the marriage until shit gets right. You owe her NOTHING.
Before you order from a different menu though, you need to stop ordering from the first. Don't go there, or else YOU will be the bad guy and she will be the victim. You don't want that, it'll cost you far more than what it's worth.
D
Deleted member 81567
Unconfirmed Member
Is jealousy natural? Yes it fucking is.
Steve Youngblood
Member
I don't mean to call you out or anything, but I always find this just a tad disingenuous when it's put forth. It's just a shallow, cynical observation devoid of any real insight.
Yes, there are urges to seek out other partners. However, there are plenty of advantages to monogamy. There may be a case to be made that jealousy and outrage at infidelity might be antiquated (i.e. Why aren't open relationships more common?). However, the idea that people would engage in long term partnerships is hardly surprising.
dreamcastmaster
Banned
Not in my case.
What is natural though?
Okay lets say it is not natural. So you really love a girl and she is fucking all your mates behind your back. Oh, oh, but this is perfectly natural, why would you be concerned? You also find out that actually those kids she said were yours aren't. In fact every kid is from a different person.
Do you see how potentially conflicting that is? How our very psyche seems contradictory in what we really want?
It seems people want to have sex with others, but they want to have a meaningful relationship with others. One can be detrimental to the other.
In other words, it is not one or the other. Or it is both. Or it is one but, not the other.
......hatred.
I've only read a few posts on the first page, but cheating, while it has always existed, it wasn't always accepted. It wasn't like ending up in the sand trap of a golf game. Where it's going to happen to anyone who isn't skilled or careful enough. There used to be an actual fear against it, and only the most wanton or brazen people who didn't care about the feelings of their spouses would engage in it. It's a lot easier to cheat these days, and I don't think it's just an increase in reportage and admission. I do thing that cheating incidents have increased because, why shouldn't they? We're human, and the reasons against cheating, selfishness, and all of that, just aren't what they used to be. These days you get bored with your spouse, you find some pretty flower or a fast horse, and have a good time, it feels good, you feel invigorated, you lie about it, or you split your resources, split the kids, and go your own way. It isn't the new normal, but I'd say it's 70% more acceptable now.
Obviously in your case.
You have no idea what you're talking about but some Psych 101 crap with a bit of a complete lack of understand of Biology thrown in.
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