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[Hydranockz]

Easy, I get a new one. I never said I kept dating her after that incident. When she told me, I didn't say anything, went home took a shower and went to work, and did my DJ set. When we spoke on the phone the following day, I went straight to the point. And that was that. I learned a lot from my first serious break-up.

The bolded, to me, suggest things that don't add up to serious relationships where bonds and feelings have grown significantly.

 

[jaxword]

3 years is about as long as your body chemistry allows you to remain passionately enchanted by another person before been supressed by adaptive mechanisms.

Evolutionarily, we're not life long monogamous creatures - we are monogamous for as long as it takes to get the infant to a toddler stage, where the child can walk and be less of a burden on the mother.

Are you basing your "three year love" theory on the idea that's how long the human gestation--self-sufficient phase is?

That theory has been suggested by many a psychologist, but the lengths differ. Ever heard of the "Seven Year Itch" ?

 

[subversus]

You learned how to not completely trust someone and open yourself up?

you can't do this anyway. I mean it's stupid.

 

[Timedog]

People get married when there's no reason to get married and then feel trapped. People don't communicate. People are really afraid to break up cause they'd rather not be alone than look for and foster an actually healthy relationship.

 

[Jezbollah]

3 years is about as long as your body chemistry allows you to remain passionately enchanted by another person before been supressed by adaptive mechanisms.

Evolutionarily, we're not life long monogamous creatures - we are monogamous for as long as it takes to get the infant to a toddler stage, where the child can walk and be less of a burden on the mother.

In a society that overemphasizes and weaves unrealistic myths around the notion of romantic love... the heady passion that one feels upon meeting another that chemically aligns with you, the fall out that results once that passion expires is a natural consequence of unhealthy and false dichotomies of love.

A society that is ideally structured to take into account the ways we really feel about things would look far different from what we think a 'good society' should look like, at least from our current vantage point.

But even without going the whole hog and trashing tradition, we can still become more aware and more intune with the dual nature of love - the passion and the companionship that it offers. Pragmatically, practically, work towards the latter even as the flames of the former dies down.

Or just accept that the difference in rates of 'passions cooling off' will result in one hurt partner when the chemical cycle inevitably draws to a conclusion. But that does leave the children that are the product of such a temporary engagement rather put out.

Your post there reminded me of that bearded guy that the Scientologist frend of Hank in Californication dates.

 

[Snkfanatic]

People get married when there's no reason to get married and feel trapped. People don't communicate. People are really afraid to break up cause they'd rather not be alone than look for and foster an actually healthy relationship.

Timedog living up to his tag...hits it right on the head.

 

[Duracelllll]

The reason she told him was that they (her and her douche bag lover) have decided to get married... after she leaves my friend.

Couldn't your friend refuse to get a divorce for a few years so that they couldn't get married to piss her off?

Spoiler

I don't know what the laws are on the Islands you live on are regarding divorce and separations.

 

[2San]

People get married when there's no reason to get married and feel trapped. People don't communicate. People are really afraid to break up cause they'd rather not be alone than look for and foster an actually healthy relationship.

I think this is a good point. Many people get married, because they think it's the natural progression of a relationship. Just, because you don't hate each other now, doesn't mean you are going to like each other for life.

 

[jaxword]

I think this is a good point. Many people get married, because they think it's the natural progression of a relationship. Just, because you don't hate each other now, doesn't mean you are going to like each other for life.

Pretty much.

There is INTENSE social pressure on people to not be "alone." Being alone means you're alone for a REASON, and that reason is probably negative.

Which sort of fits, as a species we're pretty herd-like anyways, safety in numbers and such, so loner behavior would be considered somewhat dangerous.

 

[Zaptruder]

Are you basing your "three year love" theory on the idea that's how long the human gestation--self-sufficient phase is?

That theory has been suggested by many a psychologist, but the lengths differ. Ever heard of the "Seven Year Itch" ?

I can never quite remember the sources of my info. I believe, but don't quote me on this, that figure was from Johnathan Haidt... I believe you can find it in the book "The Happiness Hypothesis".

Maybe it was another cognitive neuroscience book. Regardless, 3-4 years is the number I've heard been tossed around.


Regardless of the length of time, point holds true.

Passion is a self generated drug in the body, not dissimilar to adrenaline that actively causes behaviourial changes in the people experiencing it.

The amount and the longevity of this passion drug varies from person to person - meaning that any two person pairing is likely to have some degree of divergence...

And that once adjusted for, if the fundamentals of a relationship... communication, cooperation, companionship... are weak, then it'll result in cheating or an ending of the relationship.

This natural ebb and flow is compounded for by the fact that as a culture, we popularize the notion of 'one true loves', and forever passion and all kinds of rubbishy junk that leads us to believe that we're broken inside when shit doesn't pan out (or rather when shit pans out exactly how it should pan out).

 

[Zaptruder]

Your post there reminded me of that bearded guy that the Scientologist frend of Hank in Californication dates.

I have a beard...

Spoiler

Sort off. It's a well groomed chin strap.

 

[marrec]

Couldn't your friend refuse to get a divorce for a few years so that they couldn't get married to piss her off?

Spoiler

I don't know what the laws are on the Islands you live on are regarding divorce and separations.

That'll show her! Be bitter for a few years!

 

[Always-honest]

I can never quite remember the sources of my info. I believe, but don't quote me on this, that figure was from Johnathan Haidt... I believe you can find it in the book "The Happiness Hypothesis".

Maybe it was another cognitive neuroscience book. Regardless, 3-4 years is the number I've heard been tossed around.


Regardless of the length of time, point holds true.

Passion is a self generated drug in the body, not dissimilar to adrenaline that actively causes behaviourial changes in the people experiencing it.

The amount and the longevity of this passion drug varies from person to person - meaning that any two person pairing is likely to have some degree of divergence...

And that once adjusted for, if the fundamentals of a relationship... communication, cooperation, companionship... are weak, then it'll result in cheating or an ending of the relationship.

This natural ebb and flow is compounded for by the fact that as a culture, we popularize the notion of 'one true loves', and forever passion and all kinds of rubbishy junk that leads us to believe that we're broken inside when shit doesn't pan out (or rather when shit pans out exactly how it should pan out).

basicly. Yup

 

[Kem0sabe]

Couldn't your friend refuse to get a divorce for a few years so that they couldn't get married to piss her off?

Spoiler

I don't know what the laws are on the Islands you live on are regarding divorce and separations.

I don´t think he has even thought about. For the moment he´s at my house, probably sobbing all over the place.

Almost lunch time here, so i´ll talk with him some more, hopefully my wife will be able to make some sense of this.

Can´t get over the self entitled bitch who goes on cheating on him for 3 years and only tells him because she´s decided that she want´s to go from one relationship to another.

I hope she end´s up moving out of the island and it´s not the other way around, else i might end up kicking her and her lover´s ass next time i come across them.

Another thing that has got me worried, and that i need to talk with him about, their house and cars, she makes a lot of money and it was her income that made it possible for them to buy most of their stuff. I hope to god they didn´t have some kind of restrictive pre-nup, else he won´t be left with much at all.

 

[Castor Krieg]

Maybe i´m just overreacting, but i would like to read other people´s thoughts on this. Do people just have less patience, these days, to work out their relationship issues or are the relationship themselves more and more messed up?

Media, TV create the idea of pure love, where couples do not have the slightest of arguments. People believe this, and consider everything else a failure.

 

[leadbelly]

3 years is about as long as your body chemistry allows you to remain passionately enchanted by another person before been supressed by adaptive mechanisms.

Evolutionarily, we're not life long monogamous creatures - we are monogamous for as long as it takes to get the infant to a toddler stage, where the child can walk and be less of a burden on the mother

I don't buy this at all. Your relationship with your children doesn't last 3 years does it? It's a lifelong attachment. That attachment to the child is there to make sure you care and protect that child. A toddler is far from self-sufficient. There is a process of learning that we go through that is more crucial for survival than it is with any other animal. A lot of animals instinctively know how to swim -- humans don't. We don't even know how to have sex without being taught. They need to be taught what foods are good, what are bad. They need to learn how to hunt and how to make clothing. How to make a house, etc.

 

[Blue Ninja]

I don't understand it either. But I'm pretty passionate when it comes to relationships, so if I really love someone I wouldn't even be able to consider cheating on her.

Really sucks for your mate. Some people... Bah. I hope everything turns out OK for him.

 

[ReadingRambo]

Yeah that's some serious pseudoscience. I'm married to a woman I've been in love with (chemically and emotionally if you wish) for 13 years. I may not get those first kiss or phone call jitters but I know I would hate like hell to live without her.


Also ITT: A wild sociopath appears!

 

[Always-honest]

I don't buy this at all. Your relationship with your children doesn't last 3 years does it? It's a lifelong attachment. That attachment to the child is there to make sure you care and protect that child. A toddler is far from self-sufficient. There is a process of learning that we go through that is more crucial for survival than it is with any other animal. A lot of animals instinctively know how to swim -- humans don't. We don't even know how to have sex without being taught. They need to be taught what foods are good, what are bad. They need to learn how to hunt and how to make clothing. How to make a house, etc.

Yeah, but that's your children, not your SO.
Your children are yours.
And once they are self sufficient it gets different too.

Yeah that's some serious pseudoscience. I'm married to a woman I've been in love with (chemically and emotionally if you wish) for 13 years. I may not get those first kiss or phone call jitters but I know I would hate like hell to live without her.


Also ITT: A wild sociopath appears!

it's different from person to person. I still have "those" feeling for my girlfriend too (relationsghip is over 15 years). But we both realise it's part chemistry, part CHOICE and part hard work.
You can't tell me it's the same passion as 13 years ago. And if you do tell me, please realise it might be different with your wife.

 

[ReadingRambo]

Please expound on "gets different".

 

[Zaptruder]

I don't buy this at all. Your relationship with your children doesn't last 3 years does it? It's a lifelong attachment. That attachment to the child is there to make sure you care and protect that child. A toddler is far from self-sufficient. There is a process of learning that we go through that is more crucial for survival than it is with any other animal. A lot of animals instinctively know how to swim -- humans don't. We don't even know how to have sex without being taught. They need to be taught what foods are good, what are bad. They need to learn how to hunt and how to make clothing. How to make a house, etc.

Different kind of love, different kind of attachment.

If you have the same cognitive loops involved in your love for your children as you do in a normal romantic/passionate love, you may need to seek help.

Yeah that's some serious pseudoscience. I'm married to a woman I've been in love with (chemically and emotionally if you wish) for 13 years. I may not get those first kiss or phone call jitters but I know I would hate like hell to live without her.


Also ITT: A wild sociopath appears!

Pseudoscience... because you're offering up personal anecdotes to counter knowledge derived from significant research and study?

You know what. It's great that shit's working out for you, and that it seems so natural to you and her. That's great - that's how monogamous relationships should work.

But that doesn't contradict the idea that, in most instances, that's not how things do work.

And that if you want to keep feeling like you're feeling, it's not going to be an easy, automatic process. That, that myth of love... combined with a misunderstanding of the nature of love, is what causes (or is at least a significant contributing factor towards) the failure of relationships.

 

[mrklaw]

lately people have realised they don't have to stay in shitty relationships just to please society / the wider community.

the flip side of that is that people don't feel they need to work on relationships because, hey, they'll find something else probably.

 

[mrklaw]

3 years is about as long as your body chemistry allows you to remain passionately enchanted by another person before been supressed by adaptive mechanisms.

Evolutionarily, we're not life long monogamous creatures - we are monogamous for as long as it takes to get the infant to a toddler stage, where the child can walk and be less of a burden on the mother.

In a society that overemphasizes and weaves unrealistic myths around the notion of romantic love... the heady passion that one feels upon meeting another that chemically aligns with you, the fall out that results once that passion expires is a natural consequence of unhealthy and false dichotomies of love.

A society that is ideally structured to take into account the ways we really feel about things would look far different from what we think a 'good society' should look like, at least from our current vantage point.

But even without going the whole hog and trashing tradition, we can still become more aware and more intune with the dual nature of love - the passion and the companionship that it offers. Pragmatically, practically, work towards the latter even as the flames of the former dies down.

Or just accept that the difference in rates of 'passions cooling off' will result in one hurt partner when the chemical cycle inevitably draws to a conclusion. But that does leave the children that are the product of such a temporary engagement rather put out.

You should never have driven that car into Cuddy's house, she was a good balancing force in your life.

 

[CrudeDiatribe]

People get married when there's no reason to get married and then feel trapped.

Or they get married rather than breakup, and it helps for a bit, and then they have a kid instead of getting divorced, and it helps for a bit.

3 years is about as long as your body chemistry allows you to remain passionately enchanted by another person before been supressed by adaptive mechanisms.
[...]
In a society that overemphasizes and weaves unrealistic myths around the notion of romantic love... the heady passion that one feels upon meeting another that chemically aligns with you, the fall out that results once that passion expires is a natural consequence of unhealthy and false dichotomies of love.[...]

In general, I think you're right about society. I have read some of the research that you allude to in the first paragraph, but there have also been studies that have found some couples twenty years into their marriage are still batshit crazy for each other, so I'm not so sure it's cut-and-dry.

A relationship may be wonderful for a short time or a long time, the trick is knowing when it is or not and what to do about it.

 

[Zaptruder]

You should never have driven that car into Cuddy's house, she was a good balancing force in your life.

If I had a lady as fine as Cuddy, I'd be clinging on for dear life yo.

 

[leadbelly]

Yeah, but that's your children, not your SO.
Your children are yours.
And once they are self sufficient it gets different too.

Think of it more in the context of a family though. A family needs supporting. I can't imagine what benefit to a family with many children it would be for the male to not be around in more primitive times. When we were more intuned with nature. When there were many more potential threats. There is incentive to help raise those children because they are of your blood, your genes.

It seems to me we're looking at it in terms of 'romantic love' rather than the relationship and attachment to that person that might form. Romantic love might fade away, but attachment to that person might not. The concept of love is quite broad.

I may have a friend that has helped me throughout life. That has always been there for me and has been loyal to me as a friend all my life. You have an attachment to that person.

 

[Zaptruder]

Or they get married rather than breakup, and it helps for a bit, and then they have a kid instead of getting divorced, and it helps for a bit.



In general, I think you're right about society. I have read some of the research that you allude to in the first paragraph, but there have also been studies that have found some couples twenty years into their marriage are still batshit crazy for each other, so I'm not so sure it's cut-and-dry.

A relationship may be wonderful for a short time or a long time, the trick is knowing when it is or not and what to do about it.

I'm sure that there are outliers as well as cognitive tricks for this chemical system to reassert itself.

Having awareness of these things can only be a good thing really. A more realistic expectation of love, coupled with a more pro-active stance towards maintaining relationships.

Because even without the chemical high, there are still significant benefits towards maintaining a monogamous relationship, especially as society is structured nowadays.

 

[leadbelly]

Different kind of love, different kind of attachment.

If you have the same cognitive loops involved in your love for your children as you do in a normal romantic/passionate love, you may need to seek help..

Oh, and I've just explained this in my last post.

 

[Deleted member 81567]

I've been cheated on, and then cheated for revenge I guess.
I regret it alot, I never should have acted like an immature bitch.

 

[Metroid]

Sex with someone else beside your GF can be nice and different. Only works as long as there are no emotions between you and your sex opponent.

Gotta throw in some different opinions!

 

[Always-honest]

Think of it more in the context of a family though. A family needs supporting. I can't imagine what benefit to a family with many children it would be for the male to not be around in more primitive times. When we were more intuned with nature. When there were many more potential threats. There is incentive to help raise those children because they are of your blood, your genes.

It seems to me we're looking at it terms of 'romantic love' rather than the relationship and attachment to that person that might form. Romantic love might fade away, but attachment to that person might not. The concept of love is quite broad.

I may have a friend that has helped me throughout life. That has always been there for me and has been loyal to me as a friend all my life. You have an attachment to that person.

I agree. And "romantic love" as you describe it is something some people (think they) need.
So when it fades, they try to refind that passion elsewhere.

Others might say:"the passion that was once there has been relaced by a safe and thrustworthy relationship/ deeper love (hate that last word)" or something like that. Personally, i'm very loyal to relationships that work well and i'm a person that likes a safe haven around him. Still, even those friendships and relationships are less strong/solid than you might expect. Choice has a lot to do with it. You can choose to let a relationship fade or choose to TRY and maintain it. But the latter will never garantee a lasting relationship either.

 

[ScOULaris]

A lot of people on GAF know how I feel about cheating. It's one of the most selfish, hurtful, and downright deplorable things you can do to someone that you're supposed to care about. It's unforgivable 99% of the time, IMO.

That being said, the whole "society seems to be losing its moral fiber" notion is bullshit. Things are no different today, other than the fact that we communicate more openly about these issues.

 

[Dragon]

Sex with someone else beside your GF can be nice and different. Only works as long as there are no emotions between you and your sex opponent.

Gotta throw in some different opinions!

Are you not in a monogamous relationship?

 

[Wiseblade]

Sex with someone else beside your GF can be nice and different. Only works as long as there are no emotions between you and your sex opponent.

Gotta throw in some different opinions!

BWAHAHAHA

 

[The Elite]

Sex with someone else beside your GF can be nice and different. Only works as long as there are no emotions between you and your sex opponent.

Gotta throw in some different opinions!

Sex Opponent?

 

[nicoga3000]

Yeah, cheating is shit. I've been with my fiance for 7.5 years now, and even though we've had our lows, I couldn't imagine my life with anyone but her. The idea of going out and doing anything sexual with someone else disgusts me. I think it's the only instant game-ender for me, too.

 

[jaxword]

I think what we're all talking about to some degree is that LOVE CHANGES.

Zaptruder's theory isn't necessarily 100% right, but he's basically saying what everyone else is saying too about love changing.

Perhaps a better way to put it is:

If you're in a long term relationship, the heady love and rush you feel at the start vanishes over time--at that point, other factors will determine if that initial love turns into a more mature, respectful love that lasts for a lifetime. Which includes the changes in their personalities, goals, values, etc. Children are a good example of this, because that brings the focus together, but it's not the ONLY thing.

However, that being said, I think a lot of people underestimate how DIFFERENT a "mature" love is. I know so many people who do indeed break up after the rush is over. And so do you. If not in real life then in every form of media out there.

 

[subversus]

Sex with someone else beside your GF can be nice and different. Only works as long as there are no emotions between you and your sex opponent.

Gotta throw in some different opinions!

I love your freudian slip.

anyway if there are no emotions between me and my sex "opponent" I'm not able to maintain erection. I guess I'm super-monogamous after all.

 

[Psychotext]

I don't believe you.

He meant to type Karma. Russian mobster friend of his, really bad news.

 

[hwalker84]

Your friend needs to take this bitch for all she's got. Alimony, car, house, spousal support, etc. Also hold up the new marriage for a few years..... 3 sounds like a good amount of time

 

[ReadingRambo]

Your friend needs to take this bitch for all she's got. Alimony, car, house, spousal support, etc. Also hold up the new marriage for a few years..... 3 sounds like a good amount of time

Nothing says recovery like a court battle and 3 year revenge commitment.

 

[marrec]

Sex with someone else beside your GF can be nice and different. Only works as long as there are no emotions between you and your sex opponent.

Gotta throw in some different opinions!

My girl loves it when I call her that.

 

[B!TCH]

I don't know why people cheat on their spouses but I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

I have some friends who married their spouse after meeting and being together for less than 6 months (why so soon?) and others that got married after being together for 10+ years (why so late?).

I don't know what will happen to my friend's relationships, but I'm starting to think people enter into relationships and stay in them because of the greater-than-expected social pressure to be in a relationship and get married as well as their own desires to be loved, have companionship and one day have children (if they want children). Being single requires a very high tolerance for loneliness and there is only so long that people are willing to wait for Mr. or Ms. Right so they settle for what they have available to them.

When it comes to relationships, the choices you make are only as good as the options you have available to you.

 

[The Technomancer]

What's this? What's this? Who's entering the arena? Is it a tipping thread? Is it a circumcision thread? No I...I do believe...its a cheating thread! Well we haven't had one of those in quite a while Bob, not as popular as his bigger cousins but still reliable for a good show.

 

[Psychotext]

and others that got married after being together for 10+ years (why so late?)

I can answer that one... at least from my perspective.

Money. It took a long ass time to get enough to do it the way we always wanted to.

 

[Tuck]

a coworker cheated on her bf with me this past friday. while we were in bed she was saying how she was always someone who thought it was extremely wrong, and could never understand why people would do it, but now she could. had something to do with him being very possessive, yet boring. which was the reason he was sleeping in her bed and calling her at 1am wondering where she was when he knew she was out at a bar with co workers cause he didn't want to come and is a boring guy. i feel bad but eh... if it wasnt me it wouldve been someone else. and this is just early-20s bs, not marriage level seriousness, so i guess reasoning is far less relevant.

You sicken me.

 

[LosDaddie]

Entitlement Generation rearing its head again.

People think they deserve to be happy all the time. When life is anything but that. Relationships require hard work, and lots of time to be successful. Many think once a rough patch hits, it's time to move on. Well, rough patches will happen in every relationship. There's no way around it.

 

[pompidu]

Was in ops friends position, just not married. It sucks. Op your friend needs to go out and bang her friends, or date them. Which is what I'm doing.

 

[Ventilaator]

It's amazing how the further I read into this thread, the less I want to be in anything resembling a relationship ever again.

 

[marrec]

It's amazing how the further I read into this thread, the less I want to be in anything resembling a relationship ever again.

Don't worry, sometimes relationships work out and sometimes they don't but presuming to exclude yourself from romantic human contact for fear of being cheated on is a pretty cowardly action to take.

In my experience, most people don't cheat. Anecdotal sure, but there you have it.