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[Poindexter]

Well, it doesn't take equal parts of both, but opportunity and dissatisfaction in a current relationship will often be the biggest factor in infidelity. What I was getting at is that, if you're thinking about straying, you might suggest that talking it out is the way to go about it.

And I think that's fair. However, some people are afraid that they might be opening up a can of worms from which there is no return. And, in the case where it's someone like me, there are actually real logistical problems with splitting up that aren't just "I'm a pansy who's afraid of change and hurting people's feelings."

So, you carry on and cope -- perhaps by cheating (while hoping not to get caught). I'm not arguing that it's justified. Merely offering a couterpoint or elaboration to why people don't always want to be forthright and honest.

I understand what you're saying. I've been divorced with a child and I'm on my second marriage (thankfully very happy). But what I learned from my first marriage is life will haunt you a lot less if you just try to fix it at least. It doesn't have to end, but it can get better. Completely opposite odds from just taking a failing marriage in stride or even worse having an outside relationship. No matter how it spins in the end talking about it is the only one with a possibly positive outcome. I'd rather take that route.

 

[pompidu]

RDreamer, you're kind of bumming me out man. Sex is such an important part of a relationship, I can't help but wonder if you'd be happier with someone else. If you both might be happier with someone else, but you're so comfortable with every other aspect of the relationship that you don't want to move.

I agree 100%. I feel bad for this dude. I'm sure he loves his wife a lot but damn I just couldn't have a sexless marriage.

 

[marrec]

RDreamer, you're kind of bumming me out man. Sex is such an important part of a relationship, I can't help but wonder if you'd be happier with someone else. If you both might be happier with someone else, but you're so comfortable with every other aspect of the relationship that you don't want to move.

Sex is super important and as I said above I was in the exact same boat as RD just 3 years ago. You can grow sexually and expand what gets you off, tonight you might find that the super kinky stuff is actually kinda hot when you do one specific thing differently. Or she may find some part of foreplay that really gets her going. You HAVE to keep an open mind sexually though and not go in assuming that it's going to be an uncomfortable experience.

 

[Steve Youngblood]

I understand what you're saying. I've been divorced with a child and I'm on my second marriage (thankfully very happy). But what I learned from my first marriage is life will haunt you a lot less if you just try to fix it at least. It doesn't have to end, but it can get better. Completely opposite odds from just taking a failing marriage in stride or even worse having an outside relationship. No matter how it spins in the end talking about it is the only one with a possibly positive outcome. I'd rather take that route.

Yeah, I'm not in that boat. No thoughts of cheating or abandoning ship. As such, I agree with you. However, it's the better long-term advice. People often look for the short-term fix. Ideally, if shit ever hits the fan (and hopefully it never does), I'll do what you've describe. But who knows?

There's been plenty of situations in my life where I've favored kicking the can down the road to deal with at a later date as opposed to dealing with them now. My "To-Do" list of improvements that should be made to our home certainly reflects that, for example.

 

[levious]

No. The bartender is not responsible for the consumer becoming an alcoholic. The cheater made a consensus, consenting desire to cheat, and the OP was simply a catalyst to her wish.

but a bar/bartender can be held liable for an accident involving a drunk driver. Bad example.

I did, actually. One time in particular I got really into it. And I was kind of excited about it, even though it did almost nothing for me sexually. But she said afterwards that it was awkward, and she could tell it just wasn't in my personality. It just didn't work. I tried. But I mean that stuff does nothing for me. It'd be almost as bad as if I was asked to suck a dick for her. I wouldn't be able to get into it and pretending only goes so far. That's just not who I am. And what I need apparently isn't who she is.

this sounds bad, immediately shooting you down after you make that effort.

 

[Stet]

So many inspiring stories about open relationships in this thread. Between never having sex and being totally incompatible sexually, I'm sold!!

 

[Poindexter]

Yeah, I'm not in that boat. No thoughts of cheating or abandoning ship. As such, I agree with you. However, it's the better long-term advice. People often look for the short-term fix. Ideally, if shit ever hits the fan (and hopefully it never does), I'll do what you've describe. But who knows?

There's been plenty of situations in my life where I've favored kicking the can down the road to deal with at a later date as opposed to dealing with them now. My "To-Do" list of improvements that should be made to our home certainly reflects that, for example.

Haha I can relate to that as well. And yeah, I can't say I'd open my mouth immediately but I'd definitely open my mouth before I decided to go balls deep in another woman behind my wife's back.

 

[Devolution]

So many inspiring stories about open relationships in this thread. Between never having sex and being totally incompatible sexually, I'm sold!!

I'm in one.

 

[BocoDragon]

I have no problem with people wanting someone else, but you've got to break up first.

The big problem is people making a promise they can't keep: marriage.

 

[RDreamer]

You and I were pretty much in the same boat RD until a few years ago when I opened up a bit sexually. There wasn't a big epiphany or revelation that allowed me to do this, it just happened one day and me and my fiancee started having amazing sex. It's possible to find the middle ground where you both feel satisfied, but you have to be open to the possibility of being a bit foolish in bed. Sex shouldn't be a stodgy experience where everything just happens naturally. Exploring sexuality gives you two things: Awesome new insights into your personal pleasures, and hilariously embarrassing stories to tell your friends when the exploration goes wrong.

That's good to hear that you made it out of that same sort of blockade. Honestly I feel like I was insanely close for a little while, when I had that other relationship going. Everything was going so great and I felt confident and masculine and just on top of the world. I was having sex with her as much as I wanted and I was getting fulfilled, and so I felt confident with sex as an art, I guess you could say. I felt like with just a bit more of that I would have been confident and fulfilled enough with what I need to start tackling my issues with the other side of sex... with being the dominant and kinky one. I swear I was close, but then that relationship ended, and now I feel like I've slipped so far back down the hill that it's indescribable. I kind of feel like with having sex once every month or two like we're starting over with things each and every time, and so I have to try and climb back up that hill again.

RDreamer, you're kind of bumming me out man. Sex is such an important part of a relationship, I can't help but wonder if you'd be happier with someone else. If you both might be happier with someone else, but you're so comfortable with every other aspect of the relationship that you don't want to move.

Sex is an important part of a relationship, and it's weird... I didn't realize how important it even was to me until I had that secondary relationship where things clicked so well I'm sure there's a large sect of people that go their entire lives without being fulfilled like that. Before that, though, I had never had any sort of sexual adventurous time. I never got to explore myself or others. I was always the straight up most monogamous, loyal person you could ever meet, and sex didn't matter.

It's really just an odd thing altogether and hard to describe, because I think I come from a different place than a lot of people. As I said before, sex itself isn't really the "sex" for me. Everything else that takes place around it is at least five times as important. Foreplay is the "sex" for me. And for her it's as completely and opposite on the spectrum as you can go. Also, for me a good sex session lasts hours, and has us doing it like 4 or 5 times, but me and my wife have never in the nearly 6 years we've been together been able to go more than 2. So even if those two are good, I still feel like I'm getting a sip rather than a drink.

 

[marrec]

That's good to hear that you made it out of that same sort of blockade. Honestly I feel like I was insanely close for a little while, when I had that other relationship going. Everything was going so great and I felt confident and masculine and just on top of the world. I was having sex with her as much as I wanted and I was getting fulfilled, and so I felt confident with sex as an art, I guess you could say. I felt like with just a bit more of that I would have been confident and fulfilled enough with what I need to start tackling my issues with the other side of sex... with being the dominant and kinky one. I swear I was close, but then that relationship ended, and now I feel like I've slipped so far back down the hill that it's indescribable. I kind of feel like with having sex once every month or two like we're starting over with things each and every time, and so I have to try and climb back up that hill again.

It's like you're describing me from 3 years ago.

Keep at it and try to loosen up a bit. It's perfectly okay to be dominate and masculine especially in the bedroom and trust me, she will let you know when you are doing something she doesn't like. Don't dwell on what does doesn't like. Try something else. Sex can be a great experiment. Also, and this is probably obvious to you right now, but try to have sex more than once a month. The more you have sex the more comfortable you get with having sex with her and the more you can open up.

You're in a pretty good place really because she WANTS more sex from you but you're trepidatious because of past failures or (as was the case with me) you think you'll just look silly to her when you try to be the kind of dominate and aggressive sexual partner she's looking for. Maybe you will at first, but don't shrink from it or that boulder will slide right back down the mountain and you'll be back at the beginning feeling sexually repressive and repressed at the same time.

Also it is a two way street and talking to her about what exactly you want and what makes you hot will help you open up to her.

 

[Hieberrr]

I have no problem with people wanting someone else, but you've got to break up first.

The big problem is people making a promise they can't keep: marriage.

Word. If you really want that pussy (or dick), then you have to stop your current relationship. Your SO thinks the world of you, believes you are committed, and truly cares about you. It's fucking selfish and disgusting to go behind your SO's back and do that shit. If you have the balls to cheat, you have the balls to tell her. People need to keep their shit in check.

 

[Psychotext]

So many inspiring stories about open relationships in this thread. Between never having sex and being totally incompatible sexually, I'm sold!!

It shouldn't really come as any surprise, but in a significant portion of open relationships there's actually only one half of the couple who really wants it that way.

 

[pax217]

Some times the love has died out, people go through the motions and eventually the other one will decided it's not enough and seeks closeness and companionship from other people. Why they can't be upfornt with their loved ones isn't always simple issue. Common sense says it should be easy but far too many times common sense fails.

That's why I did it; biggest regret of my life, though, and it always will be-- I guarantee it.

 

[Deleted member 22576]

Yeah, I don't know. I've been cheated on four times. And my Mom was cheating on my Dad for like twenty years. It's painful and confusing, but kind of just par for the course. For three years though.. that is especially brutal.

 

[marrec]

Yeah, I don't know. I've been cheated on four times. And my Mom was cheating on my Dad for like twenty years. It's painful and confusing, but kind of just par for the course. For three years though.. that is especially brutal.

Dude being cheated on is not par for the course, that's a really pessimistic view.

 

[Devolution]

Yeah, I don't know. I've been cheated on four times. And my Mom was cheating on my Dad for like twenty years. It's painful and confusing, but kind of just par for the course. For three years though.. that is especially brutal.

It's not par for the course and it probably stings but did you ever confront them as to why they did it?

 

[bengraven]

Dude being cheated on is not par for the course, that's a really pessimistic view.

I kind of agree with him though. I can't think of a single man or woman I've ever met that hasn't cheated at least once. It's kind of a thing you have to accept. Just like how nearly every female family member of my generation and every woman I've ever dated have all been raped or sexually molested. It's so fucking common that it's honestly desensitizing.

 

[marrec]

I kind of agree with him though. I can't think of a single man or woman I've ever met that hasn't cheated at least once. It's kind of a thing you have to accept. Just like how nearly every female family member of my generation and every woman I've ever dated have all been raped or sexually molested. It's so fucking common that it's honestly desensitizing.

Fuck it, I'm moving back to New Mexico where people don't cheat on everyone and women aren't sexually molested.



Well even if it IS par for the course it shouldn't be accepted because it's widespread. The sexual revolution is about being OPEN with sex, not about sneaking around someones back to have sex.

 

[Hieberrr]

I kind of agree with him though. I can't think of a single man or woman I've ever met that hasn't cheated at least once. It's kind of a thing you have to accept. Just like how nearly every female family member of my generation and every woman I've ever dated have all been raped or sexually molested. It's so fucking common that it's honestly desensitizing.

O__O Where do you live and who do you hang out with? Jeez.

 

[pax217]

Just like how nearly every female family member of my generation and every woman I've ever dated have all been raped or sexually molested.

WHOA. That's a pretty strong statement... I don't know a lot of women closely enough for them to tell me something like that, but whoa.

 

[RDreamer]

It shouldn't really come as any surprise, but in a significant portion of open relationships there's actually only one half of the couple who really wants it that way.

I'm not denying what you're saying, because that could surely be the case, but in my case we both are fine with an open relationship and the idea behind it, it's just that the realistics of such a thing are a bit different. As I stated, it's about 1000x more difficult for a married guy to find a girl who will even listen much less understand and want to go any further than it is for a married girl to find something. All things even and fine, fuck yeah, we both get to have fun and explore (as long as its safe). It's a win win. It's having your cake and eating it too... for both of you.

I mean I think I'm a bit more naturally predisposed to monogamy by a longshot, but I definitely see the advantages and the sheer fun of open relationships. And that allure of something completely new is really enticing no matter what, especially now that I've experienced it.

It's like you're describing me from 3 years ago.

Keep at it and try to loosen up a bit. It's perfectly okay to be dominate and masculine especially in the bedroom and trust me, she will let you know when you are doing something she doesn't like. Don't dwell on what does doesn't like. Try something else. Sex can be a great experiment. Also, and this is probably obvious to you right now, but try to have sex more than once a month. The more you have sex the more comfortable you get with having sex with her and the more you can open up.

You're in a pretty good place really because she WANTS more sex from you but you're trepidatious because of past failures or (as was the case with me) you think you'll just look silly to her when you try to be the kind of dominate and aggressive sexual partner she's looking for. Maybe you will at first, but don't shrink from it or that boulder will slide right back down the mountain and you'll be back at the beginning feeling sexually repressive and repressed at the same time.

Also it is a two way street and talking to her about what exactly you want and what makes you hot will help you open up to her.

Yeah, thanks for the advice. And I know it really is like trying to push a boulder up the mountain. I need to get motivated and try and push for it more than once a month. My sex drive is so high, though, and hers is so low, that it's also just hard working that in. I could go about 3 times a day, every day. She could like once a week. And it's hard to find that moment where she wants it, too. After so many times of kind of prying and getting a no I just don't have the motivation. I find myself often thinking about masturbating and going "well, I could just wait and see if we could have sex..." I'll think about that for a minute before just saying "yeah, but this is guaranteed and that's not, so I'll just do this right now." It's a horrible spiral that I need to stop.

And I know it's ok to feel dominant and masculine, but it's hard to get to that point when you just don't feel it, or when you just don't feel as wanted sexually. As I said, my style is more of the push and pull. Sex for me is like multiplication. I'm a multiplier to whatever's put in. You put in 0 and you're just getting 0. You put in a 1 and you're just getting a one. You put in more than that and I tend to come back with more. But being dominant doesn't really work on that sort of scale, because there's literally nothing being put in.

To put it another way it's like walking around a room. You need to get information in so you can respond and twist and turn the ways you need. Being asked to be dominant is like being thrown into a room you barely know and told to walk around... blindfolded. It's completely disorienting, scary, and almost implausible. Now if you have built up knowledge of that room, then it's less scary and more awesome. That's why I'm still kind of of the belief that I can't quite make it there yet because we don't really have that foundation. Everything crumbled below us every time we tried to build it. If we had a nice foundation of regular sex (the normal vanilla shit that I enjoy the hell out of), I feel like I'd be confident enough to go further and further. But we don't, because we can't really get there either.

And the other problem is as you said, it's coming from both ends. She needs to attempt what I need more, too. But that stuff feels completely and utterly foreign to her, too. It's like a whole other thing, or a whole other sexuality that she's just not as into. She can try, kind of, but it comes off awkward.

 

[Psychotext]

I'm not denying what you're saying, because that could surely be the case, but in my case we both are fine with an open relationship and the idea behind it, it's just that the realistics of such a thing are a bit different.

Just so I'm clear, I'm in no way saying that it can't work, or that people can't be perfectly happy with the arrangement.

 

[marrec]

Yeah, thanks for the advice. And I know it really is like trying to push a boulder up the mountain. I need to get motivated and try and push for it more than once a month. My sex drive is so high, though, and hers is so low, that it's also just hard working that in. I could go about 3 times a day, every day. She could like once a week. And it's hard to find that moment where she wants it, too. After so many times of kind of prying and getting a no I just don't have the motivation. I find myself often thinking about masturbating and going "well, I could just wait and see if we could have sex..." I'll think about that for a minute before just saying "yeah, but this is guaranteed and that's not, so I'll just do this right now." It's a horrible spiral that I need to stop.

And I know it's ok to feel dominant and masculine, but it's hard to get to that point when you just don't feel it, or when you just don't feel as wanted sexually. As I said, my style is more of the push and pull. Sex for me is like multiplication. I'm a multiplier to whatever's put in. You put in 0 and you're just getting 0. You put in a 1 and you're just getting a one. You put in more than that and I tend to come back with more. But being dominant doesn't really work on that sort of scale, because there's literally nothing being put in.

To put it another way it's like walking around a room. You need to get information in so you can respond and twist and turn the ways you need. Being asked to be dominant is like being thrown into a room you barely know and told to walk around... blindfolded. It's completely disorienting, scary, and almost implausible. Now if you have built up knowledge of that room, then it's less scary and more awesome. That's why I'm still kind of of the belief that I can't quite make it there yet because we don't really have that foundation. Everything crumbled below us every time we tried to build it. If we had a nice foundation of regular sex (the normal vanilla shit that I enjoy the hell out of), I feel like I'd be confident enough to go further and further. But we don't, because we can't really get there either.

And the other problem is as you said, it's coming from both ends. She needs to attempt what I need more, too. But that stuff feels completely and utterly foreign to her, too. It's like a whole other thing, or a whole other sexuality that she's just not as into. She can try, kind of, but it comes off awkward.

I'm sure you've heard plenty of advice and I don't want to be pretentious or patronizing so I'll stop giving. I will say that your blindfolded analogy is EXACTLY what it's like. And if you don't like being blindfolded and thrown into an unfamiliar room then it VERY distracting and offputting.

Being dominant is ALL about push and pull though. It's a give and take on every level where the person who is dominant doesn't have to be the person who is in control. It's also a lot about trust and pushing boundaries.

Keep it up man, know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel cause I've been through it.

 

[bengraven]

Fuck it, I'm moving back to New Mexico where people don't cheat on everyone and women aren't sexually molested.



Well even if it IS par for the course it shouldn't be accepted because it's widespread. The sexual revolution is about being OPEN with sex, not about sneaking around someones back to have sex.

O__O Where do you live and who do you hang out with? Jeez.

WHOA. That's a pretty strong statement... I don't know a lot of women closely enough for them to tell me something like that, but whoa.

I'm not trying to be outrageous or something but it just seems like a general thing around my friends and families and it's incredibly disheartening. This isn't an environmental thing either: we're talking about people who have different belief systems and financial issues: everything from the lowest of low income to the 1%ers.

It's such a generalization that I almost feel like I could do a non-biased survey.

And like I said, this ranges from low income "white trash" to middle class to upper middle class and two of the people I mentioned are either millionaires or going to inherit millions when their parents die. Two of them are Hispanic. One of them is Jewish. Others are typical white people.

It's almost to the point where I meet someone new and they tell me one night they were molested or even raped and I just stare and go "wow" and it doesn't even bother me as much as it should.

 

[pringles]

I honestly don't understand why anyone would want an "open relationship". Yeah yeah, you can have sex with anyone you want. But you can do that if you're single too. And then you don't have to come home to a 'wife' or 'gf' and try to act normal when you've just fucked someone else. I mean WTF. Why not just get a "friend with benefits" instead?

I get that there are exceptions to everything, and some open relationships probably work well.. somehow, I don't know how, but there must be some. I can imagine most of them probably has one party wanting the openness more than the other though.

 

[Devolution]

I honestly don't understand why anyone would want an "open relationship". Yeah yeah, you can have sex with anyone you want. But you can do that if you're single too. And then you don't have to come home to a 'wife' or 'gf' and try to act normal when you've just fucked someone else. I mean WTF. Why not just get a "friend with benefits" instead?

I get that there are exceptions to everything, and some open relationships probably work well.. somehow, I don't know how, but there must be some. I can imagine most of them probably has one party wanting the openness more than the other though.

Not everyone puts sex on the same pedestal or thinks it's the epitome of intimacy?

 

[Steve Youngblood]

I honestly don't understand why anyone would want an "open relationship". Yeah yeah, you can have sex with anyone you want. But you can do that if you're single too. And then you don't have to come home to a 'wife' or 'gf' and try to act normal when you've just fucked someone else. I mean WTF. Why not just get a "friend with benefits" instead?

I get that there are exceptions to everything, and some open relationships probably work well.. somehow, I don't know how, but there must be some. I can imagine most of them probably has one party wanting the openness more than the other though.

Two big ones off the top of my head are pooling income for a nicer home, and engaging in an open relationship with one primary partner for the purposes of raising a family.

There are benefits to being committed to someone long term (more than what I listed, certainly). An open relationship is an attempt to reconcile that with the admission that strict monogamy is difficult for many people.

 

[nVidiot_Whore]

I honestly don't understand why anyone would want an "open relationship". Yeah yeah, you can have sex with anyone you want. But you can do that if you're single too. And then you don't have to come home to a 'wife' or 'gf' and try to act normal when you've just fucked someone else. I mean WTF. Why not just get a "friend with benefits" instead?

I get that there are exceptions to everything, and some open relationships probably work well.. somehow, I don't know how, but there must be some. I can imagine most of them probably has one party wanting the openness more than the other though.

Well, for me and my girlfriend.. it's not the typical "open relationship."

Sex with other women is just an extension of our sex life.. I don't come home and act awkward, I come home and tell my GF all about the sex I just had, and she's turned on by it, and other aspects of me going and having sex with someone else.

It works well because the outside sex is 100% "just sex".. we don't date anyone else, don't have "feelings" for anyone else, etc. It's open in a sexual sense, and it's not entirely "open" either.. if my girlfriend wants me to go fuck one of my booty calls I will.. if she doesn't.. I don't.

 

[Poindexter]

Not everyone puts sex on the same pedestal or thinks it's the epitome of intimacy?

For real real. I'm not in an open relationship but I can understand how some people like it. I personally find being able to share fantasies and scenarios with my partner far more intimate than some cliche version of "love making". Don't get me wrong. It has its place and is really good but I like that I don't have to inhibit my sexual desires because of "societal standards" about sex with my partner.

 

[Poindexter]

Well, for me and my girlfriend.. it's not the typical "open relationship."

Sex with other women is just an extension of our sex life.. I don't come home and act awkward, I come home and tell my GF all about the sex I just had, and she's turned on by it, and other aspects of me going and having sex with someone else.

It works well because the outside sex is 100% "just sex".. we don't date anyone else, don't have "feelings" for anyone else, etc. It's open in a sexual sense, and it's not entirely "open" either.. if my girlfriend wants me to go fuck one of my booty calls I will.. if she doesn't.. I don't.

See now that's hot.

How did you guys make the jump into that type of relationship?

 

[nVidiot_Whore]

See now that's hot.

How did you guys make the jump into that type of relationship?

Yeah it is pretty hot.. we really enjoy it.. enjoy even talking about it, and further fantasizing with my GF about it. We take it to some somewhat twisted places.. at least relative to most people's sex lives.

How did we make the jump? It partly has to do with my girlfriends desire to have 3somes or her own sex with women.. just easier in our case for me as the man to be the catalyst, partly because I have numerous women from my past who I can call upon for sex.. it started with a 3some, then extended into my girlfriend wanting me to have sex on my own and tell hr about it, etc.

Basically just morphed from being 2 highly sexual people who like to talk about girls, into 3somes, into it also being enjoyable if I simply have sex with girls.

 

[Hieberrr]

Yeah it is pretty hot.. we really enjoy it.. enjoy even talking about it, and further fantasizing with my GF about it. We take it to some somewhat twisted places.. at least relative to most people's sex lives.

How did we make the jump? It partly has to do with my girlfriends desire to have 3somes or her own sex with women.. just easier in our case for me as the man to be the catalyst, partly because I have numerous women from my past who I can call upon for sex.. it started with a 3some, then extended into my girlfriend wanting me to have sex on my own and tell hr about it, etc.

Basically just morphed from being 2 highly sexual people who like to talk about girls, into 3somes, into it also being enjoyable if I simply have sex with girls.

Do you see this lifestyle lasting into marriage (not necessarily to her, but in general)?

 

[nVidiot_Whore]

Do you see this lifestyle lasting into marriage (not necessarily to her, but in general)?

Yes.

 

[Timedog]

I kind of agree with him though. I can't think of a single man or woman I've ever met that hasn't cheated at least once. It's kind of a thing you have to accept. Just like how nearly every female family member of my generation and every woman I've ever dated have all been raped or sexually molested. It's so fucking common that it's honestly desensitizing.

wat

How are all these people telling you whether they have or have not cheated, and how is every woman in your family giving you intensely private sexual details?

 

[RDreamer]

Well, for me and my girlfriend.. it's not the typical "open relationship."

Sex with other women is just an extension of our sex life.. I don't come home and act awkward, I come home and tell my GF all about the sex I just had, and she's turned on by it, and other aspects of me going and having sex with someone else.

It works well because the outside sex is 100% "just sex".. we don't date anyone else, don't have "feelings" for anyone else, etc. It's open in a sexual sense, and it's not entirely "open" either.. if my girlfriend wants me to go fuck one of my booty calls I will.. if she doesn't.. I don't.

That's kind of like us in a way, but also very different. We don't mind the feelings and stuff. We realize it's natural and it enhances sex. My wife likes hearing about the stuff I do, back when I did it. I don't really like hearing much about what she does now, but that's more because it just reminds me that I can't fucking find anyone for myself. Back when we both had extra relationships going it was like something fun we were doing together in a way, because we could come back together and share stories and stuff.

And she does find it hot the idea of me going out and having sex with someone else. She wants me to be fulfilled and happy.

 

[Poindexter]

Yeah it is pretty hot.. we really enjoy it.. enjoy even talking about it, and further fantasizing with my GF about it. We take it to some somewhat twisted places.. at least relative to most people's sex lives.

How did we make the jump? It partly has to do with my girlfriends desire to have 3somes or her own sex with women.. just easier in our case for me as the man to be the catalyst, partly because I have numerous women from my past who I can call upon for sex.. it started with a 3some, then extended into my girlfriend wanting me to have sex on my own and tell hr about it, etc.

Basically just morphed from being 2 highly sexual people who like to talk about girls, into 3somes, into it also being enjoyable if I simply have sex with girls.

Awesome. Thanks for sharing.

My wife and I enjoy talking about it. It's one of our biggest fantasies that we share. Anything from fantasies about me cheating and coming home and telling her about it while she "punishes" me to just threesomes.

We've talked about it seriously and decided we're not ready to actually try anything. But we also agreed that if we did do it it would be something where we were both there. I don't really have a desire to have sex with someone else and not have my wife be there. Her being there is what makes it hot, even if she's just watching.

I find it amazing how little people give credit to a healthy sexual relationship. I've told a few people what my wife and I have talked about it and I usually get the condescending finger wagging about how it can't be healthy and how there must be something wrong with us. I think there's something wrong with people who flat out deny the human desire to have sex. At least we're comfortable enough that we can share it and control it without flying into fits of jealousy.

 

[pringles]

Not everyone puts sex on the same pedestal or thinks it's the epitome of intimacy?

Aren't the people in open relationships the ones putting sex on a pedestal since they need so much of it that one person can't fill that desire? Maybe I'm just not understanding this 'putting stuff on a pedestal' expression. I probably come from too different a mindset to truly understand open relationships, even though I can imagine that there are rare (very rare) cases where it can work without jealousy or feelings of inadequacy. I come from a small, swedish town and there hasn't been any cheating/divorces/polygamy in my circle of friends or among my relatives. Call me old-fashioned, but to me you sleep with the person you're in love with.. not that person AND a bunch of people you're not in love with.

Two big ones off the top of my head are pooling income for a nicer home, and engaging in an open relationship with one primary partner for the purposes of raising a family.

There are benefits to being committed to someone long term (more than what I listed, certainly). An open relationship is an attempt to reconcile that with the admission that strict monogamy is difficult for many people.

I feel bad for the kids that are raised by a mom and dad that go around fucking other people. Just seems like a volatile situation.

 

[Poindexter]

Aren't the people in open relationships the ones putting sex on a pedestal since they need so much of it that one person can't fill that desire? Maybe I'm just not understanding this 'putting stuff on a pedestal' expression. I probably come from too different a mindset to truly understand open relationships, even though I can imagine that there are rare (very rare) cases where it can work without jealousy or feelings of inadequacy. I come from a small, swedish town and there hasn't been any cheating/divorces/polygamy in my circle of friends or among my relatives. Call me old-fashioned, but to me you sleep with the person you're in love with.. not that person AND a bunch of people you're not in love with.

What Devo is saying is that some people don't make sex into this super sensual bond between two star crossed lovers. It can also just be carnal fun that you can enjoy with your SO and others.

 

[Kalnos]

That's kind of like us in a way, but also very different. We don't mind the feelings and stuff. We realize it's natural and it enhances sex. My wife likes hearing about the stuff I do, back when I did it. I don't really like hearing much about what she does now, but that's more because it just reminds me that I can't fucking find anyone for myself. Back when we both had extra relationships going it was like something fun we were doing together in a way, because we could come back together and share stories and stuff.

And she does find it hot the idea of me going out and having sex with someone else. She wants me to be fulfilled and happy.

This is one thing I always thought could be a problem when people talk open relationships. One person has an easy time finding tons of people who want to fuck them and the other struggles and gets jealous/frustrated. With my anxiety I would also always fear that they prefer someone else to me.

I really don't care if people are in them but they aren't for me.

 

[Steve Youngblood]

I feel bad for the kids that are raised by a mom and dad that go around fucking other people. Just seems like a volatile situation.

Eh, I don't know. As long as they aren't bringing partners home to meet the kids, I don't know if it'd be that big of a deal. When dad went to play cards with the boys, or mom went to book club meetings, is that really what they were doing? Knowing them, I assume so. But it's possible that things weren't what they seemed.

 

[Devolution]

What Devo is saying is that some people don't make sex into this super sensual bond between two star crossed lovers. It can also just be carnal fun that you can enjoy with your SO and others.

Exactly, thank you.

 

[nVidiot_Whore]

Back when we both had extra relationships going it was like something fun we were doing together in a way, because we could come back together and share stories and stuff.

And she does find it hot the idea of me going out and having sex with someone else. She wants me to be fulfilled and happy.

Interesting, thanks for sharing. Sound similar to us.. but also definitely different. It could certainly play out in many different ways.

Awesome. Thanks for sharing.

My wife and I enjoy talking about it. It's one of our biggest fantasies that we share. Anything from fantasies about me cheating and coming home and telling her about it while she "punishes" me to just threesomes.

We've talked about it seriously and decided we're not ready to actually try anything. But we also agreed that if we did do it it would be something where we were both there. I don't really have a desire to have sex with someone else and not have my wife be there. Her being there is what makes it hot, even if she's just watching.

I find it amazing how little people give credit to a healthy sexual relationship. I've told a few people what my wife and I have talked about it and I usually get the condescending finger wagging about how it can't be healthy and how there must be something wrong with us. I think there's something wrong with people who flat out deny the human desire to have sex. At least we're comfortable enough that we can share it and control it without flying into fits of jealousy.

Yeah most people have some real knee-jerk reactions to anything related to sex outside of "between 2 people." They may or may not have had an experience with it either, but they'll be sure to share their opinion.

I don't think very highly of "most people", so it doesn't bother me I have an especially low opinion of "most relationships." I think people are way too quick to settle for a mate they aren't compatible with, or spend loads of time in relationships that aren't happy.

People can't stand their significant others.. yet are horrified at the thought of them cheating? It's so.. weird.

I think it all boils down to personal happiness and self confidence. It's my #1 relationship advice.. "Focus on self improvement and being a happy person, the rest will be far more obvious."

 

[nVidiot_Whore]

Aren't the people in open relationships the ones putting sex on a pedestal since they need so much of it that one person can't fill that desire? Maybe I'm just not understanding this 'putting stuff on a pedestal' expression.

Yeah.. not sure where Devolution is coming from.

edit: Beaten.. I thought maybe that's what she meant... was sure worded oddly.

 

[RDreamer]

Eh, I don't know. As long as they aren't bringing partners home to meet the kids, I don't know if it'd be that big of a deal. When dad went to play cards with the boys, or mom went to book club meetings, is that really what they were doing? Knowing them, I assume so. But it's possible that things weren't what they seemed.

If they were bringing partners home to meet the kids there really isn't anything innately wrong in that scenario. The reason it might affect the kids in a bad way is outside of the household situation itself. Society dictates this sort of thing is "wrong," and monogamous coupling is the norm that should be followed, and that's why anything out of that ordinary also hurts the kids.

I mean I heard people positing the same sort of thing with same sex couples that had kids, saying that that was adversely affecting the kids. Well, it wasn't the coupling that was, it was society's wacky judgement on something it had no rights to judge that was affecting the kids.

If you're having sex directly in front of the kids or sharing some details with them or something, then yeah that's a problem, but that'd be an odd sort of problem even if you were just getting it on with one person, too.

 

[Steve Youngblood]

If they were bringing partners home to meet the kids there really isn't anything innately wrong in that scenario. The reason it might affect the kids in a bad way is outside of the household situation itself. Society dictates this sort of thing is "wrong," and monogamous coupling is the norm that should be followed, and that's why anything out of that ordinary also hurts the kids.

Yeah, it probably could work. I think it's just hard for me -- due to lack of experience with that kind of set-up -- to picture that working and not being really awkward.

Most married individuals will manage to find time to get out away from the family to enjoy themselves, and I imagine some (be it because they're in an open-relationship or because they're cheating) will use that time to find other sexual partners. However, despite the fact that I'm open to the notion that other people may successfully do it, it's hard for me to imagine a household where the kids are having breakfast with mommy and daddy's "friends," so to speak.

 

[YoungHav]

Monogamy is not natural, period. If people want to be monogamous personally, that's fine. But (western) society has done everyone a huge disservice by condemning or considering other options as 'immoral'.

 

[RDreamer]

Yeah, it probably could work. I think it's just hard for me -- due to lack of experience with that kind of set-up -- to picture that working and not being really awkward.

Most married individuals will manage to find time to get out away from the family to enjoy themselves, and I imagine some (be it because they're in an open-relationship or because they're cheating) will use that time to find other sexual partners. However, despite the fact that I'm open to the notion that other people may successfully do it, it's hard for me to imagine a household where the kids are having breakfast with mommy and daddy's "friends," so to speak.

My wife and I actually met a couple in the kink scene here that were pretty much exactly like that. She went over to their place a few times, and yeah their kids met her and everything. I'm sure they didn't know exactly what she (or others) was there for, but they didn't really care. It was like having a family friend over, I guess. They were perfectly well adjusted and cared for kids.

 

[krameriffic]

Monogamy is not natural, period. If people want to be monogamous personally, that's fine. But (western) society has done everyone a disservice by condemning or considering other options as 'immoral'.

Exactly. It really grinds my gears when people start talking doom and gloom about the moral fabric of society decaying away because people are doing what's natural to them: having sex with as many people as possible.

 

[Stet]

Monogamy is not natural, period. If people want to be monogamous personally, that's fine. But (western) society has done everyone a huge disservice by condemning or considering other options as 'immoral'.

Gee, how enlightening! If only someone had brought this up earlier in the thread. Maybe in relation to bonobos. But no, nobody has ever had this incredibly unique thought before. Not ever!!