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[dskillzhtown]

So, just got back from an "emergency" breakfast with my best friend... the poor guy just found that that his wife has been cheating on him for 3 years... i was best man on their wedding 5 years ago.

What the hell prompts someone to cheat on their significant other? from where i´m standing, i´m seeing this happen more and more in society, a general lack of moral fiber, couples are breaking up left and right due to cheating, promiscuity is rampant and i feel like society as a whole is going to shit.

Maybe i´m just overreacting, but i would like to read other people´s thoughts on this. Do people just have less patience, these days, to work out their relationship issues or are the relationship themselves more and more messed up?

P.S Sorry for rant, office full of women is not the best place to let off some steam, so gaf is the next best thing.

One thing. Cheating has been happening forever. Back in the day most women just dealt with it and kept on trucking if everything else was fine in the relationship. Also before now there wasn't email, texts, cell phones, etc. to get people caught. I am not sure that there is more cheating going on these days. Just alot more new ways of getting caught.

To be clear, I think it is wrong, if you and the SO have decided the relationship is closed. Usually the cheating is indicitive of other problems in the relationship. Someone isn't happy and cope with that by spending time with others. It isn't about the sex most of the time.

A relationship is not hard work, but it is a commitment. You are going to have your times when you get frustrated with each other, that is normal. But you made a commitment to work through that.

 

[Steve Youngblood]

I haven't had sex with my gf in 16 months, and we are supposedly in an open relationship. I once asked her if we were ever gonna have sex again and she didn't give me an answer... I would love to go out and exercise my freedom but never get the chance because she doesn't have any friends, all my friends don't like her, and any time I go out, she doesn't trust me. God, I'm such a tool.

I'm no expert on the subject, but that... that doesn't sound like an open relationship.

 

[dskillzhtown]

I haven't had sex with my gf in 16 months, and we are supposedly in an open relationship. I once asked her if we were ever gonna have sex again and she didn't give me an answer... I would love to go out and exercise my freedom but never get the chance because she doesn't have any friends, all my friends don't like her, and any time I go out, she doesn't trust me. God, I'm such a tool.

That's not an open relationship. That is you two not have sex with anyone and you being miserable.

 

[Qasiel]

I haven't had sex with my gf in 16 months, and we are supposedly in an open relationship. I once asked her if we were ever gonna have sex again and she didn't give me an answer... I would love to go out and exercise my freedom but never get the chance because she doesn't have any friends, all my friends don't like her, and any time I go out, she doesn't trust me. God, I'm such a tool.

Quite a few red flags, here.

 

[marrec]

Polyamory would make a basis for really strong basic social units.

Strong statement, but I read on.

I mean... it just works. Logistically and evolutionarily. I mean except for that crazy intense possessive jealousy that people feel. But I wager it wouldn't be so crazy intense if it weren't the automatic cultural norm.

That crazy intense possessive jealousy can be deadly for children sometimes. If you're speaking purely from a simplistic view of evolution, as a man you wouldn't want your mate raising a bunch of kids who aren't yours.

But yeah... polyamory - more adults (with diversity, and more chance for good parental attributes) to care for a the children, more opportunity for sexing up multiple partners, without the burden of needless guilt. Of course, determining the direction of the social unit can be contentious, requires greater social cooperation skills which may be lacking in a significant proportion of the species. The children would also have more sibling companions as well and could help and aid in the raising of each other.

Again the problem lies in how our social cooperation has been developed in the past. Family units are traditionally smaller and multiple family units make up a larger community unit. If you started having larger family units then they would just break down into these smaller insular units by default anyway. So all that societal progress you've made by having this large unit of support is lost because of our insular nature.

It would also implicitly include more multi-generationality in the basic social structure - multiple adults of a 'clan' would have a larger age range, providing more perspectives and experiences to disseminate to the rest of the group. Children interacting with adults would also gain more perspective, even while at the same time impressing a greater diversity of thinking and experiences among the clan unit.

This already happens though in communities, it does not require a large family unit. Also a large family unit would be MORE inclined to xenophobia not less.

 

[soul creator]

Are we telling the OP to tell his friend to not pursue monogamous relationships because his wife cheated on him? In that context, the advice doesn't seem very appropriate.

Fair enough, I guess that's the issue with coming into a thread after a couple hundred posts I've kinda moved past the specific context of the OP's story, since his story seems to be somewhat common, and I'm now discussing a more general point.

I can't give him specific advice for his specific situation beyond "sorry, that sucks that she lied to you, and I hope you can find someone better", but I guess after so many cheating threads, and after seeing so many stats about people cheating, and etc., it seems like a natural jumping off point for a larger discussion.

If this is seen as going off-topic, my apologies.

Mind you, maybe you're just talking specifically to people who aren't the OP here who have offered their tales of cheating on the significant other. But, that aside -- and I honestly mean no disrespect -- what you're suggesting is ultimately meaningless given this context.

No disrespect taken. I suppose it's a fine line between "shitting up a thread" and "using thread as a jumping off point for a larger discussion". I'm definitely attempting more of the latter (everyone apparently knows cheating sucks, and it's bad...so why do so many people do it anyway?), but I definitely don't want to come off as if I'm trivializing the OP's situation. And now that I've gone back and read it, it seems like the OP wanted more of a general discussion anyway, judging by the questions he asked.

I suppose in a roundabout way that ties into the original post, I would like to create a society where someone's wife would be more likely to talk to her partner about whatever feelings she had that caused her to cheat, as opposed to lying and doing it in the destructive way she did. One possible way of accomplishing this goal is to not idealize monogamy.

 

[ATF487]

I haven't had sex with my gf in 16 months, and we are supposedly in an open relationship. I once asked her if we were ever gonna have sex again and she didn't give me an answer... I would love to go out and exercise my freedom but never get the chance because she doesn't have any friends, all my friends don't like her, and any time I go out, she doesn't trust me. God, I'm such a tool.

Why on earth would you bother with this? It's better to be alone

 

[we.are.the.armada]

It hurts me to read this. What is happening to society? I know a lot of swinger couples that eventually break up over something like this too, so it happens to even the most open of relationships as well and I can't think of a solution. It's like there can be no trust anymore. Ugh, this sucks to hear about.

 

[Rocket Scientist]

I haven't had sex with my gf in 16 months, and we are supposedly in an open relationship. I once asked her if we were ever gonna have sex again and she didn't give me an answer... I would love to go out and exercise my freedom but never get the chance because she doesn't have any friends, all my friends don't like her, and any time I go out, she doesn't trust me. God, I'm such a tool.

Bro... Bro... Bro.

 

[levious]

Bro... Bro... Bro.

yeah, she's not your girlfriend.

 

[marrec]

I haven't had sex with my gf in 16 months, and we are supposedly in an open relationship. I once asked her if we were ever gonna have sex again and she didn't give me an answer... I would love to go out and exercise my freedom but never get the chance because she doesn't have any friends, all my friends don't like her, and any time I go out, she doesn't trust me. God, I'm such a tool.

The LAST thing you need to do is beat yourself and and bring yourself down. You don't deserve to be unhappy cause you aren't a tool. Go out there and find something that's going to make you happy.

 

[pompidu]

I haven't had sex with my gf in 16 months, and we are supposedly in an open relationship. I once asked her if we were ever gonna have sex again and she didn't give me an answer... I would love to go out and exercise my freedom but never get the chance because she doesn't have any friends, all my friends don't like her, and any time I go out, she doesn't trust me. God, I'm such a tool.

This cant be real. LOL

 

[soul creator]

*cue tired married jokes about "16 months, that's nothing!"*

But yeah, that doesn't really sound like any type of relationship, considering you asked her a direct question, and she didn't give an answer. Answering straightforward questions seems like the bare minimum needed if you claim to be in a "relationship" with someone, open or otherwise.

 

[RDreamer]

I haven't had sex with my gf in 16 months, and we are supposedly in an open relationship. I once asked her if we were ever gonna have sex again and she didn't give me an answer... I would love to go out and exercise my freedom but never get the chance because she doesn't have any friends, all my friends don't like her, and any time I go out, she doesn't trust me. God, I'm such a tool.

That is so completely fucked up. Trust is the most important thing in any relationship and it's especially important in an open one. You gotta be going crazy, man.

Now I don't feel so bad about my situation. I'm in an open marriage with an amazing woman who I love in every way possible, but the sex just doesn't work with. No matter how we try it's like trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. Sure sometimes it works out, but not well for either of us. So sex has dwindled to once every month or two. It was awesome when we both had others on the side, but my side relationship ended 9 months ago and it's hard as fuck for a married dude to find anyone that will even listen for a second much less understand. So slowly my sex drive and motivation has dwindled to almost nothing. She's able to find stable other partners just fine though because guys jus don't seem to had the same hangups as girls.

 

[Enco]

I haven't had sex with my gf in 16 months, and we are supposedly in an open relationship. I once asked her if we were ever gonna have sex again and she didn't give me an answer... I would love to go out and exercise my freedom but never get the chance because she doesn't have any friends, all my friends don't like her, and any time I go out, she doesn't trust me. God, I'm such a tool.

Wat?

If this isn't a joke, what the fuck are you doing with her still?

 

[HamPster PamPster]

Ongoing cheating seems like such a time investment. How do you even have the free time to juggle two relationships? The efficiency of which cheaters must be running their lives...

I guess it makes sense for someone who travels for business but I can't imagine fitting in a second relationship into my life if I even wanted to.

Doesn't seem worth it. I'd rather stack my week with extra naps personally. Feels like forever since I had a really great nap. Screw sex, napping is where its at

 

[akira28]

I haven't had sex with my gf in 16 months, and we are supposedly in an open relationship. I once asked her if we were ever gonna have sex again and she didn't give me an answer... I would love to go out and exercise my freedom but never get the chance because she doesn't have any friends, all my friends don't like her, and any time I go out, she doesn't trust me. God, I'm such a tool.

it sounds like she's having personal problems. Does she have a past history of emotional issues, because it seems like she's either shut you out, or shut herself down. Either way, your relationship needs to be examined. Is there still actual love, or are you two like roommates who get along? If you love her you can offer wait and help her with what she's going through, but if she doesn't want or need your help, you need to move on dude. Seriously.


I had this kind of fucked up dream that I was on a camping trip with an ex and it was like all of our problems were in the past and I realized how much she actually meant to me when I woke up. I was so goddamned remorseful of how I left things with her. And this thread is reminding me how fucked up shit can be, so now I'm not feeling so bad anymore. Argh it was such a sweet dream too. She really was one of the good ones.

 

[Calion]

a coworker cheated on her bf with me this past friday. while we were in bed she was saying how she was always someone who thought it was extremely wrong, and could never understand why people would do it, but now she could. had something to do with him being very possessive, yet boring. which was the reason he was sleeping in her bed and calling her at 1am wondering where she was when he knew she was out at a bar with co workers cause he didn't want to come and is a boring guy. i feel bad but eh... if it wasnt me it wouldve been someone else. and this is just early-20s bs, not marriage level seriousness, so i guess reasoning is far less relevant.

You sicken me.

Really? Sicken? This guy didn't cheat, it was the female. She is the ONLY one that deserves criticism for her actions, not him. She was bound to cheat on the next available candidate, if not for him.

 

[levious]

That is so completely fucked up. Trust is the most important thing in any relationship and it's especially important in an open one. You gotta be going crazy, man.

Now I don't feel so bad about my situation. I'm in an open marriage with an amazing woman who I love in every way possible, but the sex just doesn't work with. No matter how we try it's like trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. Sure sometimes it works out, but not well for either of us. So sex has dwindled to once every month or two. It was awesome when we both had others on the side, but my side relationship ended 9 months ago and it's hard as fuck for a married dude to find anyone that will even listen for a second much less understand. So slowly my sex drive and motivation has dwindled to almost nothing. She's able to find stable other partners just fine though because guys jus don't seem to had the same hangups as girls.

did the sex always suck? Like before marriage even? If sex sucks between you two then how is she an amazing woman that you love in every possible way? Sounds like you're talking her up for our or your benefit.

Really? Sicken? This guy didn't cheat, it was the female. She is the ONLY one that deserves criticism for her actions, not him. She was bound to cheat on the next available candidate, if not for him.

you can say she deserves a bulk of the blame but he is not blameless.

 

[Hydranockz]

Really? Sicken? This guy didn't cheat, it was the female. She is the ONLY one that deserves criticism for her actions, not him. She was bound to cheat on the next available candidate, if not for him.

It takes two to tango.

 

[nVidiot_Whore]

This cant be real. LOL

It's probably not.

Won't stop half of GAF from replying to it seriously though..

 

[diamondstar]

I'm so attracted to this girl at my work, but she has a bf, who works at the same store, and I'm cool with him.

It's taking every moral fiber of my body if she ever came to me and wanted to "hang out."

That is one of the reasons why I think cheating is not so black and white like some people like to paint it. Before immediantly throwing stones at someone, take the time to hear their story. I don't feel everyone that cheats are the scum of the earth. People that have affairs, maybe, but "one and dones".. not so much.

Since a lot affairs and cheating happens with co-workers.. imagine having a gorgeous co-worker make a pass at you. Now imagine that you are in a so-so or bad relationship.. Would you really turn her down?

If you are in a good or great relationship and that co-worker comes at you and you accept then you are probably a pussy hungry douche that can't control his woodpiece. Those people are considered scum in my opinion.

 

[Steve Youngblood]

Really? Sicken? This guy didn't cheat, it was the female. She is the ONLY one that deserves criticism for her actions, not him. She was bound to cheat on the next available candidate, if not for him.

Eh. He's not a monster. But it's definitely not a kosher action. I'm not going to jump aboard the "how do you sleep at night?" train, but I don't think it's an enviable action.

 

[nVidiot_Whore]

It takes two to tango.

Meh.. unless you know the person and have some other obligation to them, it's the cheater who deserves the ire IMO, not the person they are cheating with.

I have zero problem hooking up with someone who has a significant other.. that's their problem not mine.

 

[Poindexter]

Jesus. What the hell is wrong with people? Just communicate. Is it really that friggin hard? You're unhappy? Say that you're unhappy and why you're unhappy and how it can be fixed. Just want to bang someone else? Just say it. Maybe they'll let you. Or maybe find a way to spice up your sex life. Fucking communicate!

 

[akira28]

Meh.. unless you know the person and have some other obligation to them, it's the cheater who deserves the ire IMO, not the person they are cheating with.

I have zero problem hooking up with someone who has a significant other.. that's their problem not mine.

Nah, I've avoided going past a certain point with people because I knew they were with other people. You really should avoid contributing to someone cheating. Hell, if I'm messed up enough, I would even get them to talking about their SO, and what they could do to fix things.

Although...I'm not sure where the line is when your boyfriend in in jail...anyone?

 

[nVidiot_Whore]

Jesus. What the hell is wrong with people? Just communicate. Is it really that friggin hard? You're unhappy? Say that you're unhappy and why you're unhappy and how it can be fixed. Just want to bang someone else? Just say it. Maybe they'll let you. Or maybe find a way to spice up your sex life. Fucking communicate!

Pretty much.. but it CAN be hard.. telling someone you are unhappy will likely not be a pleasant conversation.. nobody WANTS to be the bearer of bad news.

Especially in a society brainwashed to believe you MUST obey some "til death do you part" commandment. It can make you feel like a real piece of shit for even SUGGESTING things aren't working out, and it even effects people's attitudes in non-marriage based relationships.

And unless you tell the person RIGHT AWAY.. you feel a bit trapped and perhaps even dishonest.. like telling them you are unhappy is admitting a lie, because you had pretended to be happy.

I 100% agree though.. and think it could be a lot EASIER if people didn't have such strict views on relationships in general.

And like you said.. ask.. you'd be surprised what you'll end up with. But you still have to ask "why".. I've been in numerous relationships where I was "allowed" outside sex.. and it was for various reasons, some positive, some negative. Interestingly enough a partner allowing outside sex can come from being very confident in themselves and truly not caring about the outside sex, or from being extremely insecure and believing it's the only way to get someone to stay with them despite the outside sex making them entirely unhappy.

 

[Steve Youngblood]

Since a lot affairs and cheating happens with co-workers.. imagine having a gorgeous co-worker make a pass at you. Now imagine that you are in a so-so or bad relationship.. Would you really turn her down?

Maybe, maybe not. I don't see why this really justifies, anything.

Mind you, I do think there should be a mitigation process wherein the circumstances are considered. However, the fact that it's relatable doesn't suddenly make it okay. That it's a one-time occurrence during a low point in the relationship is worth taking into account. But for people who (understandably) can't tolerate such a betrayal, this is really not an excuse.

"Yeah, I cheated on her. But, come on! We've been having trouble as of late and my co-worker is smoking hot!"

That doesn't come off well. People make mistakes, and in general I think it's worth considering that someone who cheats may not be an altogether awful person. However, as it pertains to being a good partner, it's a tough one to forgive.

 

[nVidiot_Whore]

Nah, I've avoided going past a certain point with people because I knew they were with other people.

*shrug*

So have I, but only when I knew their significant other, so I had some obligation to that person as well.

Otherwise.. don't personally care, and don't care if anyone judges me for it either, because I don't agree with the judgment

 

[marrec]

Pretty much.. but it CAN be hard.. telling someone you are unhappy will likely not be a pleasant conversation.. nobody WANTS to be the bearer of bad news.

Especially in a society brainwashed to believe you MUST obey some "til death do you part" commandment.

Well chances are if you are unhappy then your partner is also unhappy. It's not as cut and dry as 'You're unhappy? Dump that beech!' (You aren't implying it is, I know.) Long term relationships are going to have periods of unhappiness that can be easily solved by communication.

I wouldn't say that society is brainwashed in that way, it's a heavy shadow over the whole idea of marriage, but brainwashed is kind of a strong word.

 

[akira28]

How about if you cheat, she gets a one bang free ticket to have sex with whoever she wants? Or some kind of standard enforced penalty. I wonder how society would take that? So guys aren't considered studs anymore if they have some on the side, that would definitely slow things down a bit. And women are no longer the red hot mamas with their lovers behind their SO's backs. Stop worshiping the scandalous life and glamorizing the behavior could go a long way.

 

[Trey]

Good luck to your friend. Shit sounds rough.

How about if you cheat, she gets a one bang free ticket to have sex with whoever she wants? Or some kind of standard enforced penalty. I wonder how society would take that?

It doesn't work like that.

 

[nVidiot_Whore]

Well chances are if you are unhappy then your partner is also unhappy. It's not as cut and dry as 'You're unhappy? Dump that beech!' (You aren't implying it is, I know.) Long term relationships are going to have periods of unhappiness that can be easily solved by communication.

I wouldn't say that society is brainwashed in that way, it's a heavy shadow over the whole idea of marriage, but brainwashed is kind of a strong word.

I disagree, I think it's appropriate, but we can agree to disagree

And what you said above.. isn't always the case. You could easily have a relationship where 1 person is happy and the other isn't.. but it depends on how the unhappy person is acting.

And you can certainly easily have a relationship where one person is unhappy and aware of it, and the other person isn't aware of their own unhappiness.

Denial can be pretty extreme in relationships.

Long term relationships are going to have periods of unhappiness that can be easily solved by communication.

They also quite often can't be solved by communication. People stay together for decades who despise each other.. it's a bit ridiculous what humans will put themselves through.. a lot of it is jut laziness and lack of self esteem.. might as well stay with that person because you won't find anyone better, etc.

 

[RDreamer]

did the sex always suck? Like before marriage even? If sex sucks between you two then how is she an amazing woman that you love in every possible way? Sounds like you're talking her up for our or your benefit.

She's an amazing woman in every other way. Her personality and the way we get along with everything else is just absolutely perfect. It's the easiest relationship I've ever had. Being with her feels as right as breathing.

Except when it comes to sex. That is literally the only problem we have ever had. And yes it was a huge problem before our marriage, too. It slowly got slightly better for a number of years, but ultimately never really got that great.

The problem is that it started out that I was nearly completely inexperienced in sex. I had long relationships beforehand that were pretty much only foreplay. The actual sex was new to me. So foreplay and that kind of stuff was what got me going. I needed that. She didn't like that, and aside from that also had a lot of hangups on blow jobs (I didn't actually get one until like 4 years into the relationship, for example), which were pretty important to me (because of the foreplay thing I just mentioned). So I pushed her away and closed up for a bit, unfortunately because of all that and condom sex being almost pointless (and feelingless) in my mind without any foreplay... and because I was focusing on college. And she closed up at the same time.

Now after years and after exploring things, we're just on completely opposite sides of the spectrum. She's opened up and realized she was way, way more kinky than me and that's why the foreplay never really got her off, and I realized I absolutely need foreplay and sensual stuff. We literally couldn't be more opposite in the bedroom if we tried. Her idea of sex is literally to just lay there and do absolutely nothing and get beat on a bit. Mine is a mutual tug and pull. My personality is such that, especially in sex, I can't go unless I'm nudged. Sex is a whole back and forth thing for me. It hinges on pushing each other further. If I get nothing I can give nothing. I've tried her way and she's tried my way and it just comes across really forced and nothing really works the way it should.

 

[Steve Youngblood]

Pretty much.. but it CAN be hard.. telling someone you are unhappy will likely not be a pleasant conversation.. nobody WANTS to be the bearer of bad news.

Well, there's also the fact that relationships get intertwined to the point that it's logistically not very easy to separate. I'm happily married now, but what if in five years, I wake up and things aren't as great as I remembered them to be. We have one kid now, may have a second by then. We own a house together. Our finances are completely joint.

If I decided that I'm thinking about calling it quits, it's going to be a long and difficult process. Who gets/wants the house? Are we making our kid(s) suffer? What will the custody situation look like? If I don't keep the house, where would I go?

Now, hopefully, the answers to these questions are unnecessary. However, if it came to that, I understand the need to take the path of least resistance. There's more at stake here than just "I don't want her to be disappointed with me."

 

[Poindexter]

Pretty much.. but it CAN be hard.. telling someone you are unhappy will likely not be a pleasant conversation.. nobody WANTS to be the bearer of bad news.

Especially in a society brainwashed to believe you MUST obey some "til death do you part" commandment. It can make you feel like a real piece of shit for even SUGGESTING things aren't working out, and it even effects people's attitudes in non-marriage based relationships.

And unless you tell the person RIGHT AWAY.. you feel a bit trapped and perhaps even dishonest.. like telling them you are unhappy is admitting a lie, because you had pretended to be happy.

I 100% agree though.. and think it could be a lot EASIER if people didn't have such strict views on relationships in general.

And like you said.. ask.. you'd be surprised what you'll end up with. But you still have to ask "why".. I've been in numerous relationships where I was "allowed" outside sex.. and it was for various reasons, some positive, some negative. Interestingly enough a partner allowing outside sex can come from being very confident in themselves and truly not caring about the outside sex, or from being extremely insecure and believing it's the only way to get someone to stay with them despite the outside sex making them entirely unhappy.

Agreed on all points. But making a relationship work is hard no matter what. Learning to open your mouth isn't just about the relationship, it's a life lesson in general. You have to be willing to take that risk and tell the other person that you aren't happy but that you think you can be. If that person isn't mature enough to go down that road with you then you have your answer anyways.

And agreed on the second part as well. But most cases of cheating are not just cases of wanting sex with a different person. It's usually other issues in the relationship that come out sexually and that's a whole different problem and again comes down to them opening their mouth and saying what's really wrong.

In the end no solution works without talking to your partner. If you can't talk to them then your relationship is doomed to begin with.

 

[nVidiot_Whore]

She's an amazing woman in every other way. Her personality and the way we get along with everything else is just absolutely perfect. It's the easiest relationship I've ever had. Being with her feels as right as breathing.

Except when it comes to sex. That is literally the only problem we have ever had. And yes it was a huge problem before our marriage, too. It slowly got slightly better for a number of years, but ultimately never really got that great.

I think some people can make that work.. but it's very dependent on the individuals involved.

I think at the very least not having a healthy sex life puts everything else at risk.. you'll notice other disconnects in the relationship a lot more if the sex life isn't fulfilled.

But there is the question of "why"? Why settle for a partner that doesn't fulfill you sexually if that is important to you?

 

[Devolution]

I honestly think people are just afraid to end relationships even when they know it's an unhealthy one or the relationship has lost its lustre. And I don't mean lost its lust and passion, that's kind of unavoidable unless both people really work hard. Which I think is the key, we expect relationships to just work themselves out and at the same time we don't accept failure. Sometimes relationships don't work and the answer is not to prolong a situation in which you're unhappy, and yet we do it anyway. I don't know where it comes from either, biology or socialization but we want and desire companionship so much we're willing to be miserable to keep it.

Others will say "oh people want to be happy 24/7" and I think this is a rather bold and ignorant statement. I don't expect a perfect relationship but to me it was obvious when my previous one was at a stalemate and neither of us were becoming better people. If you're not learning and growing with your partner it becomes a fruitless effort but plenty of people will just let a relationship degrade and even change who they are for the worst. It's a curious thing seeing how bitter some people become and I guess it's hard not to, especially if you're the party who was cheated on. There is so much ego and feelings invested in the whole exercise it's sometimes crazy it even works out at all.

Recently I've just been of the mind life is to short to dwell on certain things or lie to oneself about what it is you want. You're either into someone enough to communicate with them what kind of relationship you want and they accept or you move the fuck on. I get lying out of shame but if you ever fucking respected the person you are or were supposedly in love with they deserve to know what's going on.

 

[Plywood]

I would defently cheat on my GF if the chance came up but thats only because im not that happy with how things are going at the moment.

Or you could just break up with her. Seriously why would you stick around if you don't like how things are going?

The fuck is wrong with you?

 

[levious]

She's an amazing woman in every other way. Her personality and the way we get along with everything else is just absolutely perfect. It's the easiest relationship I've ever had. Being with her feels as right as breathing.

Except when it comes to sex. That is literally the only problem we have ever had. And yes it was a huge problem before our marriage, too. It slowly got slightly better for a number of years, but ultimately never really got that great.

The problem is that it started out that I was nearly completely inexperienced in sex. I had long relationships beforehand that were pretty much only foreplay. The actual sex was new to me. So foreplay and that kind of stuff was what got me going. I needed that. She didn't like that, and aside from that also had a lot of hangups on blow jobs (I didn't actually get one until like 4 years into the relationship, for example), which were pretty important to me (because of the foreplay thing I just mentioned). So I pushed her away and closed up for a bit, unfortunately because of all that and condom sex being almost pointless (and feelingless) in my mind without any foreplay... and because I was focusing on college. And she closed up at the same time.

Now after years and after exploring things, we're just on completely opposite sides of the spectrum. She's opened up and realized she was way, way more kinky than me and that's why the foreplay never really got her off, and I realized I absolutely need foreplay and sensual stuff. We literally couldn't be more opposite in the bedroom if we tried. Her idea of sex is literally to just lay there and do absolutely nothing and get beat on a bit. Mine is a mutual tug and pull. My personality is such that, especially in sex, I can't go unless I'm nudged. Sex is a whole back and forth thing for me. It hinges on pushing each other further. If I get nothing I can give nothing. I've tried her way and she's tried my way and it just comes across really forced and nothing really works the way it should.

I think you need to try fully giving her what she wants. Get rid of your hangups. Can't see how not giving in to the types of things she's into is better than having her get sexually roughed up by other men.

 

[Poindexter]

Well, there's also the fact that relationships get intertwined to the point that it's logistically not very easy to separate. I'm happily married now, but what if in five years, I wake up and things aren't as great as I remembered them to be. We have one kid now, may have a second by then. We own a house together. Our finances are completely joint.

If I decided that I'm thinking about calling it quits, it's going to be a long and difficult process. Who gets/wants the house? Are we making our kid(s) suffer? What will the custody situation look like? If I don't keep the house, where would I go?

Now, hopefully, the answers to these questions are unnecessary. However, if it came to that, I understand the need to take the path of least resistance. There's more at stake here than just "I don't want her to be disappointed with me."

If those issues are really what you care about then how is cheating the path of least resistance? It's even more destructive than god forbid trying to fix your problems. This thread is about cheating, not just about being unhappy and going with the flow. Either way, open your mouth. Nothing will get fixed if you don't.

 

[nVidiot_Whore]

Well, there's also the fact that relationships get intertwined to the point that it's logistically not very easy to separate.

Yeah, definitely true as well.. even beyond what you said, your entire lifestyle is typically intertwined even in non-marriage w/ kids situations.

My last 2 major breakups.. 1 from a GF I lived with, the other a recent divorce.. left me with very few friends I could hang out with often and comfortably. And I was absolutely raped in my divorce financially... which came unexpected.

 

[marrec]

Now after years and after exploring things, we're just on completely opposite sides of the spectrum. She's opened up and realized she was way, way more kinky than me and that's why the foreplay never really got her off, and I realized I absolutely need foreplay and sensual stuff. We literally couldn't be more opposite in the bedroom if we tried. Her idea of sex is literally to just lay there and do absolutely nothing and get beat on a bit. Mine is a mutual tug and pull. My personality is such that, especially in sex, I can't go unless I'm nudged. Sex is a whole back and forth thing for me. It hinges on pushing each other further. If I get nothing I can give nothing. I've tried her way and she's tried my way and it just comes across really forced and nothing really works the way it should.

You and I were pretty much in the same boat RD until a few years ago when I opened up a bit sexually. There wasn't a big epiphany or revelation that allowed me to do this, it just happened one day and me and my fiancee started having amazing sex. It's possible to find the middle ground where you both feel satisfied, but you have to be open to the possibility of being a bit foolish in bed. Sex shouldn't be a stodgy experience where everything just happens naturally. Exploring sexuality gives you two things: Awesome new insights into your personal pleasures, and hilariously embarrassing stories to tell your friends when the exploration goes wrong.

 

[pompidu]

She's an amazing woman in every other way. Her personality and the way we get along with everything else is just absolutely perfect. It's the easiest relationship I've ever had. Being with her feels as right as breathing.

Except when it comes to sex. That is literally the only problem we have ever had. And yes it was a huge problem before our marriage, too. It slowly got slightly better for a number of years, but ultimately never really got that great.

The problem is that it started out that I was nearly completely inexperienced in sex. I had long relationships beforehand that were pretty much only foreplay. The actual sex was new to me. So foreplay and that kind of stuff was what got me going. I needed that. She didn't like that, and aside from that also had a lot of hangups on blow jobs (I didn't actually get one until like 4 years into the relationship, for example), which were pretty important to me (because of the foreplay thing I just mentioned). So I pushed her away and closed up for a bit, unfortunately because of all that and condom sex being almost pointless (and feelingless) in my mind without any foreplay... and because I was focusing on college. And she closed up at the same time.

Now after years and after exploring things, we're just on completely opposite sides of the spectrum. She's opened up and realized she was way, way more kinky than me and that's why the foreplay never really got her off, and I realized I absolutely need foreplay and sensual stuff. We literally couldn't be more opposite in the bedroom if we tried. Her idea of sex is literally to just lay there and do absolutely nothing and get beat on a bit. Mine is a mutual tug and pull. My personality is such that, especially in sex, I can't go unless I'm nudged. Sex is a whole back and forth thing for me. It hinges on pushing each other further. If I get nothing I can give nothing. I've tried her way and she's tried my way and it just comes across really forced and nothing really works the way it should.

Incompatible sex is an instant breakup in my book. You thought it would work and were proven wrong. Good luck fixing this situation, sorry bro.

 

[akira28]

It doesn't work like that.

It doesn't? Shucks.

(duh, dude. fucking duh. But what if it did? There are some societies where you're expected to take a lover. Both husband and wife. It's a sign of a happy and equal marriage.)

 

[RDreamer]

I think you need to try fully giving her what she wants. Get rid of your hangups. Can't see how not giving in to the types of things she's into is better than having her get sexually roughed up by other men.

I did, actually. One time in particular I got really into it. And I was kind of excited about it, even though it did almost nothing for me sexually. But she said afterwards that it was awkward, and she could tell it just wasn't in my personality. It just didn't work. I tried. But I mean that stuff does nothing for me. It'd be almost as bad as if I was asked to suck a dick for her. I wouldn't be able to get into it and pretending only goes so far. That's just not who I am. And what I need apparently isn't who she is.

 

[Steve Youngblood]

If those issues are really what you care about then how is cheating the path of least resistance? It's even more destructive than god forbid trying to fix your problems. This thread is about cheating, not just about being unhappy and going with the flow. Either way, open your mouth. Nothing will get fixed if you don't.

Well, it doesn't take equal parts of both, but opportunity and dissatisfaction in a current relationship will often be the biggest factor in infidelity. What I was getting at is that, if you're thinking about straying, you might suggest that talking it out is the way to go about it.

And I think that's fair. However, some people are afraid that they might be opening up a can of worms from which there is no return. And, in the case where it's someone like me, there are actually real logistical problems with splitting up that aren't just "I'm a pansy who's afraid of change and hurting people's feelings."

So, you carry on and cope -- perhaps by cheating (while hoping not to get caught). I'm not arguing that it's justified. Merely offering a couterpoint or elaboration to why people don't always want to be forthright and honest.

 

[Devolution]

If those issues are really what you care about then how is cheating the path of least resistance? It's even more destructive than god forbid trying to fix your problems. This thread is about cheating, not just about being unhappy and going with the flow. Either way, open your mouth. Nothing will get fixed if you don't.

Cheating is a symptom of being unhappy and going with the flow but I agree with the open your mouth.

 

[Calion]

It takes two to tango.

No. The bartender is not responsible for the consumer becoming an alcoholic. The cheater made a consensus, consenting desire to cheat, and the OP was simply a catalyst to her wish.

 

[akira28]

RDreamer, you're kind of bumming me out man. Sex is such an important part of a relationship, I can't help but wonder if you'd be happier with someone else. If you both might be happier with someone else, but you're so comfortable with every other aspect of the relationship that you don't want to move.

No. The bartender is not responsible for the consumer becoming an alcoholic. The cheater made a consensus, consenting desire to cheat, and the OP was simply a catalyst to her wish.

actually the catalysts are her lack of satisfaction and the desire for pleasure, and specific relationship circumstances, causing her to choose infidelity. the cheating partner is exactly that, a partner in her infidelity.