I don't disagree.
A very good friend of mine is cheating on her husband and I don't know what to do...
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I don't disagree.
You should add that to the OP.
Solideliquid
Member
I missed the part where you elaborated on how you came across these text messages? She show you her phone?
hydragonwarrior
Member
I agree with everyone else who says you need to stay out.
It's always best to hear about cheating from the wife or husband themselves in a marriage. A third party always complicates things.
It's always best to hear about cheating from the wife or husband themselves in a marriage. A third party always complicates things.
cartoon_soldier
Member
interactivemonodrama
Banned
I would talk to her about the situation, giving an ultimatum, and if she does not come clean, then rat her out.
I do not really get you guys, if you are corncerned about your friend, then why would you let him live in a lie, when you have the chance to lead him towards a better life, by being honest with him.
In his place, I would like to be told, rather giving me the illusion that everything is right.
I do not really get you guys, if you are corncerned about your friend, then why would you let him live in a lie, when you have the chance to lead him towards a better life, by being honest with him.
In his place, I would like to be told, rather giving me the illusion that everything is right.
Of course he deserves to know the truth. But not from someone who has no business telling.
People get killed over anything.
SwiftDeath
Member
cartoon_soldier
Member
yes, she gave me her phone to fix. She was not receiving messages, email, etc.
BananaBomb
Member
creationtheory
Member
Maybe she wanted you to know so you can get in on the action.
Coffee Dog
Banned
I personally think that if he could resolve it with the wife first, and see if there was any way to end the affair, that it would be easily the most preferable option.
As an example, I had a friend who was cheating on his girlfriend, a really cool girl. I confronted him about it, told him to stop, and we had a long long talk. He agreed to end it. Hasn't cheated since, to anyone's knowledge. The girl and him are now happily married. The girl to this day has no idea that the cheating ever occurred. Ultimately, living a lie worked out for these two very very well.
I think that assuming that the couple would not prefer to live a lie would be foolhardy, so the default answer shouldn't be tell the husband.
This is a whole lot of assumptions. Someone can cheat without all the shit in this post occuring, you realize.
Poltergust
Member
That's really bad. He's living under the impression that his wife loves him unconditionally.
I don't know how anyone can keep quiet about this in good conscience. That just seems cruel to me.
How does one determine whose "business" it is? For example, if we were friends and you knew my (imaginary) wife was cheating on me, I'd be extremely upset with you if you did not tell me. I'd rather not live a lie, so if my friends have a chance to save me from persisting in such a condition for years or decades and don't do it, I wouldn't personally consider those people friends.
A great deal of this rests on one's willingness to live a happy lie instead of living the often brutal truth.
That could be anyone , depends on how the guy feels about cheating.
So yeah, I have no idea what you are getting at.
Deified Data
Banned
I get where you're coming from, but it takes just as much assumption to arrive at the conclusion that they'd rather live a lie. You're guessing no matter what you do.
I definitely agree, particularly because the OP may not know the whole situation. If it becomes clear that it's an open marriage, there is no problem. If she agrees to tell the husband herself, that's better than you have to tell her.
But if she is cheating and refuses to tell the husband, that's something he deserves to know about.
I wouldn't feel the same at all, but it's something that different people can feel differently about.
Why would it not also be foolhardy to assume the opposite? Why is the "default" to assume they'd rather live a lie?
This. This 100% and it's not our decision to make for someone. I would want someone to tell me and if I am happy living the lie then I can but I wouldn't want to not know that my wife is cheating on me. Cheating is a big deal and the person deserves to know .If one of my buddies was cheating on his wife, I'd tell him to tell her. If my wife came to me and said she wanted to divorce because she's not in love with me anymore or something, it would hurt. it would hurt really bad but that's better than knowing she cheated on me.
Deified Data
Banned
A lot of people eager to paint OP as a Nice Guy with a chip on his shoulder. Makes him easier to dismiss.
My personal life is my personal life, your personal life is your personal life. If you don't like the fact that I will not get involved in your own private affairs (no pun intended), then that's your problem. If you try and get involved in mine, we're probably not going to be friends anymore.
Zen_Arcade
Banned
OP you should tell the husband for sure if it comes down to it. Even if you talk to the wife and she would agree to quit he deserves to know what she's willing to do behind his back. There's nothing stopping her from doing it again as soon as you leave for India and the threat of you telling the husband isn't there anymore. This is something he really deserves to know.
If I were you I would give her the ultimatum that if she doesn't tell the husband a week before you leave that you'll tell him yourself. Then you give her the option of doing the right thing and dealing with the situation the way she should be, and if she still decides to take the cowardly way out you'll still have the chance to give the guy the truth he deserves.
If I were you I would give her the ultimatum that if she doesn't tell the husband a week before you leave that you'll tell him yourself. Then you give her the option of doing the right thing and dealing with the situation the way she should be, and if she still decides to take the cowardly way out you'll still have the chance to give the guy the truth he deserves.
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
I think about how happy Dale Gribble was being oblivious to it.
It's not a "problem"; it just means I don't consider you a considerate person and would choose not to be friends with you.
Again, you clearly would rather your friends live a happy lie than know the truth, however brutal it may be. I do not agree. There isn't really an easy way to resolve that conflict.
Funny timing, this thread on what would have been my wedding anniversary. I've been in the situation recently as the husband. You know what? There is no easy answer. You want to know, and at the same time you really don't.
I eventually heard the news from my now ex-wife, and I wouldn't want to wish what I went through on anybody. Would it have been better if I heard it from a good mutual friend, who knew but didn't tell me? Not really, because it was a shit situation all the way around. What counted and eased things was her support, sympathy, and her condemnation of my ex's actions after I found out though.
I eventually heard the news from my now ex-wife, and I wouldn't want to wish what I went through on anybody. Would it have been better if I heard it from a good mutual friend, who knew but didn't tell me? Not really, because it was a shit situation all the way around. What counted and eased things was her support, sympathy, and her condemnation of my ex's actions after I found out though.
I wouldn't be friends with a person like you. You don't believe in actual honest to goodness friendship.
D
Deleted member 8095
Unconfirmed Member
Someone did say it. Try reading the thread next time before posting "__ pages and no one has posted ____ yet?" It never fails that the thing you are saying HAS already been posted.
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
Context is everything. You're not necessarily a good friend just for exposing a brutal truth that'll fuck up a family and a person forever.
To me, in most situations, a good friend is a person who supports and helps you when you're down, not the person who brings you down, regardless of if it's indirect or not.
shinobi602
Member
The definition of being a superficial "friend". There's a difference between personal things and your own wife fucking others behind your back. That is a call to action that a real friend wouldn't want one of his very good friends to go through.
It needs to be called out. But hey, if you were in the husband's situation, it sounds like you either wouldn't care or wouldn't want to know that your wife's getting extra dick on the side I guess?
^ this is what I am getting at. I realize she 'gave' you her phone and you saw those texts. However, there's also a real possibility that it could very well have just been playful or drunken flirting. I'm not saying that's appropriate by any means, but it also doesn't 100% mean she's actual having sex or pursuing a relationship with your co-worker.
Again, until you have concrete evidence; I'd chill a bit and stay employed. It's a serious accusation, and if you end up saying anything - consider how many lives (especially those children) could possibly be changed.
shinobi602
Member
Well you're definitely not a good friend for letting a serious lie like a wife's cheating continue behind one of your best friend's back. I would literally cut off relations with any good friend of mine in this situation if they knew and didn't say anything. Letting it slide and continue for potentially years or longer is a worse fuck up.
it's not just bringing you down. support is there too. but, a good friend will tell you the things you don't want to hear because you need to hear them. it's not all support but sometimes it's "hey bro, i don't want to tell you but...." then you support your friend as they go through it.
it's like the old tale about the guy who falls in a hole.
Absolutely agreed, which is again why I feel this is all personal preference.
I know a person who refuses to believe in evolution, and he clearly chooses to do so because he hates the implications. He hates that it suggests that he's not all that different from apes; he hates that it suggests that Adam and Eve is not literally true. He hates the notion that we are no more than the meat inside our heads.
All of the profound implications of evolutionary theory are abhorrent to him, and he has made the (unconscious) choice to refuse to believe it rather than accept the truth, no matter how abhorrent to him.
And that is his choice. I simply could not live like that, personally, but context will matter here.
Apeopleman
Member
Hell yea.
Everyone got mad at the whole Penn State debacle. WHY?
Because people said "it's not business" and turned a blind eye.
Same concept here.
The truth should be told to the husband.
Forget this nonsense "it's not my business crap"
That is something a coward would say/do.
SwiftDeath
Member
But wouldn't that analogy imply you know for certain that the husband doesn't want to know?
Or did I read too much into it?
It is a subjective thing for sure but not sure there's much middle ground
I have disagree, a friend to me is a person who makes me aware of my bullshit, or makes me aware of when someone is bullshitting me. And I will do the same for them, there're real people
any excuse to post common.
The husband definitely has a right to know what is going on with his wife. I would talk to the wife first and give her a set amount of time, for example a week, to tell her husband what is going on. If she chooses not to comply then I would tell the husband after the set time has passed. If I had a friend that knew my woman was cheating on me and just kept it to himself and never told me, that would absolutely be grounds for terminating that friendship.
Nikodemos
Member
You always become the bad guy.
The reason is a simple two-word term: "emotional investment".
If they were boyfriend-girlfriend you would've had a 50% chance of him not becoming your enemy for spilling your guts. In a marriage situation, you have a 10% chance of him not becoming your bitter enemy.
Kano on the Phone
Member
That's fine. Being an asshole in a loving relationship is still being in a loving relationship.
shinobi602
Member
So cheating and getting dick on the side is now a 'loving relationship'?
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