This review is dedicated to the memory of Vince McMahon. He died doing what he told us not to do. Going into OT which is now as bad as Gaming Side but with Marvel instead of System Wars. And also for having alt accounts.
In last week's review, they were too cheap to hire a new guy, so they just put Giant Gonzales in a beard and claimed he was a new character. He got upgraded from henchman to bossman(WHOS THE BOSS NOW BOSSMAN) who has artillery everywhere. Gonzales captured Carol Alt and her accent, and I think he also killed British Lady because she's been missing since the pilot, and they haven't addressed it at all. Hulk's daughter(who isn't even his real daughter in the show's canon) keeps having dreams about Hurricane(that's the ship) getting blown up. Horse Face Juvi did a heel turn on Carol so he could sell her out to Giant Gonzales to protect his spot, brother. Hulk can't blame him, but now he's got to go save Carol Alt, accent not withstanding. Hulk tells his daughter that they won't get blown up and what she had was a dream and that dreams change all the time. Like the boyhood dream because I sure ain't putting that Dave Coulier haircut having midget over, brrrrother.
Kiki gives Hulk and Creepface a basket for their trip. She says it will give them strength and wisdom. Like your stupid tiara gave my daughter horrible nightmares, brother? Jess said she's coming with Hurricane to this dangerous island full of dudes who want to kill them because she has visions and junk. She also made sure to bring her Tigger plush with her because
THIS SHOW DONT PAY FOR ITSELF KIDS. BUY SOME GOD DAMN MERCH IF YOU WANT TO CONTINUE SEEING HOGAN IN SPEEDOS. HOW ELSE YOU EXPECT US TO FINANCE GOD DAMN LIVE ACTION DUMBO AND POOH. Wonder how Hogan would compare and contrast Vince McMahon and Michael Eisner. I bet Michael Eisner makes Vince look like a Saint. Hulk Jr keeps bringing up this flying carpet, but it never happened in the dream. This says to me that Jess is full of shit, and we shouldn't be listening to her. Go back to school, kid. Or go find your missing mother. She's actually one of the more likeable characters in the show, and I usually hate the kid sidekick. Scene cuts back to the Carol Alt and
The Prince. She's pleading with him, and he's like but no I have turned heel on you because I don't want Giant Gonzales to job me out. I got a future reign as cruiserweight champion! And an amazing XPW career! He's saying that if he gives Carol Alt's hand to Gonzales, it'll save his country. Did Gonzales just take over a country for the sole purpose of getting laid by Carol Alt? She's not even royalty. You'd think he'd want a harem or something. This is Dr. Doom level love planning.
CAROL PERHAPS YOU WOULD BE SAFE IF YOU GOT YOUR SASSY ACCENT BACK! No? Ok fine whatever. Like the Prince just summoned all these aides for Carol, and like four of them are as hot or hotter than Carol. Why can't Gonzales just marry one of them? Is Gonzales cist and only wants a pale white woman? For shame, Gonzales. Carol tries to leave. Her name is Kelly. Kelly tries to leave and Tugboat cuts her off at the door. Tugboat, I thought you were one of the good guys! Earthquake would have handled this by now. Man do I wish John Tenta were here. Cut back to Thunder(THUNDAHHH) driving towards the destination. They show that CG from before again. I'm not impressed anymore, give me something new. You know what? I don't think they've ever sat on the actual sitting are of the boat since the first scene of the first episode. They're always in the secret underground part of the boat that's an endless vacuum now. I wanna know when the boat started talking. Hulk Hogan makes a joke, "I sure wish Kelly would dream about a prince that lived a lot closer. Like Clear Water Beach, Florida!" ...Eh, I'll take it. These dudes really seem unbothered by their close friend saying 'HELP ME IM IN DANGER'. They're making jokes and talking about food. Gotta get your carbs, brother!
Hogan: "Double Meat Whopper all the way with cheese heavy on the onions sure would be nice"
Creepface: "Spence, you gotta feed the body as well as the spirit."
Hogan: "Ok, Then I'll have fries with that."
Shrug, decent joke. I'll give it to you, Hogan. Hogan says, 'Add a nice cold Squirt, and I'll be in Hog Heaven.' YOU COULDNT GET DRINK RIGHTS?! WHAT KIND OF LOW RENT INDIE SHIT IS THIS SHOW. Oh look, there's no food. Oh look, perfect reason to eat Kiki Palmer's Satan Voodoo food. Hogan and Creepface refuse to use the hot sauce. I assume that is FORESHADOWING. Creepface proceeds to make the dumbest fucking date joke. SUDDENLY ACTION! Hogan shot a thing in the air and then shot it with a laser from Thunder? The missles are from the Soviets. THE GOD DAMN COMMIES , BROTHER! IM GONNA HAVE TO DEAL WITH VOLKOFF BROTHER! They don't have sonar, so Hogan has to swim underwater and trigger the trap door mines so Creepface can manually shoot them. Luckily, Spence is part whale. See I remembered that from the last episode! I pay attention to my fucking Randolph J. Spencer lore even though the show doesn't want to keep any continuity.
I feel like this show is becoming more about Hogan swimming that sweet boat action. This actually isn't that bad of a scene though. I'm not really nervous because this show is goofy, but if it was written better, this would be a pretty dangerous/nerve-racking scene. Hogan returns after manually opening a missle that should have exploded. He makes another french fries joke. Now I really want french fries. Or maybe some Pastamania!
Oh....
THIS IS AN EXOTIC, FOREIGN, FAR OFF COUNTRY. IT IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT A SET OF HOTELS AROUND DISNEY WORLD. Hogan goes to get guns. THEY ALWAYS HAVE GUNS BUT THEY NEVER USE THEM WHY EVEN BRING THEM WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU KIDDING. I KNOW YOU AINT USING EM SO DONT EVEN GET EM! They just have these so Hogan can look cool while reloading guns. He does look pretty cool. He'd look cooler with the eyepatch back. Creepface is talking about how huge Gonzales is while looking at him through binoculars. Hogan is looking at him but saying nothing. I bet he's thinking, 'Hey, wait, that guys the same size as that dude I fought in the last episode....' Hogan and Creepface sneak in with camo and SMGs. Why don't you just dress up like one of the towns folks or guards? There's plenty of white citizens in this crazy foreign land. You could get the drop on Gonzales! Also NOBODY is bothered by these two dudes crouch running through their cities with SMGs in their hands. It's like a video game. They are stealthing in broad daylight .It's kinda funny. I'm making the bet that IF they fire these Uzis, which they won't, but if they do? They'll never have to reload them.
Hogan and Creepface got captured. OH NO GUESS YOULL NEVER GET TO USE YOUR GUNS THAT YOU'RE NOTORIOUS ABOUT USING. Carol Alt is complaining that they're not here to save her yet YOU WOULDNT BE HERE IF YOU LISTENED TO THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE YA MOOK. Ok Hogan just made the best gag in the show. The two are sitting in their prison cell, and Hogan just dryly asks, 'What time is it?' and Creepface raises his arm to show that their handcuffed. Apparently it's the third time Hogan has done it, and Hogan makes the stupidest laughing face every single time. It's this one.
Hogan thinks it's hilarious, and I tend to agree with him. These babes come to offer the guards food, and they can't help themselves when they see Spence in there. He's single, ladies... I think.
That blonde has the look of thirst. 'Sheeeeet, that's the Hulkster, girl.' They make an Alien joke. It's actually pretty funny. I am weirded out how funny Hulk is in this episode. THE HOT SAUCE HAS REEMERGED. I KNEW IT WOULD! They're tainting the guards food with it. Hogan and Creepface just kick the door down. WHAT WAS EVEN THE POINT OF THE LOCK THEN. OH MY GOD HOGAN ACTUALLY FIRED A GUN! NOT AT ANYONE BUT STILL! And Hogan's fighting Gonzales in a fist fight now. Because this wasn't in the last episode. No sir, different guy. Gonzales throws a guy at Hogan. I love Gonzales in this show.
Brock should add this move to his arsenal. Hulk tells Gonzales Surrender or Die. Damn Hulk, you cold blooded. Hogan is apparently the new Warlord. Turns out Gonzales wasn't the only heel. All these folks at heels. With Gonzales vanquished, Hogan's already looking at Tugboat with that, 'I need my heat, brother, you're next.' Not to be confused with Jealous Eyes. Which are what Macho Man has. The King wants Hogan to marry his daughter BUT I THOUGHT HOGAN WAS MARRIED ALREADY IN THIS DAMN SHOW! Creepface is worried about the daughters looks. I'm sure that blonde from earlier is the daughter. Nope, it's some other girl. She's very pretty. Then Hogan says 'Maybe we can make this work.' I like goofier Hogan than the 'badass' Hogan from the pilot.
Oh Jesus what is happening. I miss Gonzales already. I hope he comes back for the rubber match. Even though he's jobbed twice to Hogan now. This scene is weird as shit. It's supposed to be funny, but it's just weird. This is going on for FAR too long. They just made a grapefruit joke. Vince has got to be seething somewhere. Time for Hogan to job out Tugboat, brother. Tugboat got another sword after Hogan squashed him. Dual wield time, bitch! Also this is the stuff from the start of the episode because ~future~. Fun fight scene on a building under construction. Even if it's really obvious that it's a set. Hogan has punched so many dudes in the face at this point. Kelly punched the Juicy Juicy Juice. I was hoping Hogan would punch him. Still no leg drops, and there have been AMPLE openings for it. GONZALES IS BACK! What a sore loser, brother. They keep panning to Gonzales saying FIYAAAA every time the cannon fires. I don't need to see it EVERY time. Throw hot sauces at the missle!
Their house apparently got painted after the pilot too. It's the same house, but it was wood colored before. Now it's just blue. Lol you think the people the company rented it from painted it between filmings on accident?
Pretty good episode. Much better than the first. What waits us next?
Oh. Oh! Oh....
