There is some degree of responsibility in being an enabler for that though.
As an analogy, if someone wants to smoke crack then the decision falls to them, but the dealer does have some blame.
Cheating on your SO
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There is some degree of responsibility in being an enabler for that though.
As an analogy, if someone wants to smoke crack then the decision falls to them, but the dealer does have some blame.
shanshan310
Member
I don't feel like the analogy is that apt though, because it implies that "if not this guy, it'll just be someone else", which has been widely echoed through-out the thread. I actually disagree completely. If someone decides to cheat, it is often due to new found attraction in someone else. If they cannot continue this "relationship" with the new person (due to them being turned down etc) its likely they will give up on them. It may not prevent them from cheating in the long run, but cheating implies an attraction to a particular person in most cases.
I still agree with the overall vibe of what you're saying though. They do completely share the blame.
AdventureRacing
Member
Usuaully when someone decides to cheat it's not because they're just attracted to one specific person. It's because they are looking for attention outside of the relationship in general. I actually mostly agree with the "if not this guy, it'll just be someone else". I'm not saying that i would necessarily be the guy who helps someone cheat but i think most if not all of the blame should be with the cheater.
I make an exception though, if someone goes out of their way to make you cheat. Sure the majority of the blame will always lie with the cheater, but if you know before hand that the person is married or has a bf/gf and you intentionally go after them to make them cheat, then you're almost no better than the cheater themselves.
AdventureRacing
Member
Well yeah deliberately going after people in relationships is pretty dispicable. I'm more talking about a situation where a girl will be flirting with you and showing interested and then they will say they are in a relationship (and then just keep flirting anyway).
No, because you arent betraying a loved one, the cheater is. You are scummy, but the lack of betrayal still means the cheater is far worse.
intheinbetween
Member
Well here I am with my luck. My fiancee just came back from having a few drinks with her friends, one if them is an exbf which has been suspicious to me for a while. She came back puking and she left the cellphone by the bed. The phone started to receive whatsapp messages from this guy and well I took the phone just to say she arrived ok and then vame the storm.., I read messages from previous days in ehich she commented about her lingerie, if he was hot, and all that dirty talk. He was all the time asking for her attention. As I found this she got angry and told me she hasn't done anything at all, it's just talk.
I don't have any proof about if something has happened but Now I'm feeling broken. I know I should trust her, we'be been living together for two years, we are together almost all the time and I know it couldn't has happened nothing yet, they've met like 3 times or so in the pub he works in.
Now I'm lost, this is her flat, amd if we broke I gotta start a new life, I'd have to look for a rent, she would have to give me back the money I spent in many things for this new flat.. it would be painful, though the worst thing is that I should probably mo
to my hometown (500km from here) so I'd lost my job..
GAF help, should I just be patient and talk about this calmly later or should I just dump her for these messages?
it's been more than 24 hours awake and now the minutes are gonna pass like days
I don't have any proof about if something has happened but Now I'm feeling broken. I know I should trust her, we'be been living together for two years, we are together almost all the time and I know it couldn't has happened nothing yet, they've met like 3 times or so in the pub he works in.
Now I'm lost, this is her flat, amd if we broke I gotta start a new life, I'd have to look for a rent, she would have to give me back the money I spent in many things for this new flat.. it would be painful, though the worst thing is that I should probably mo
to my hometown (500km from here) so I'd lost my job..
GAF help, should I just be patient and talk about this calmly later or should I just dump her for these messages?
it's been more than 24 hours awake and now the minutes are gonna pass like days
Devolution
Member
Well here I am with my luck. My fiancee just came back from having a few drinks with her friends, one if them is an exbf which has been suspicious to me for a while. She came back puking and she left the cellphone by the bed. The phone started to receive whatsapp messages from this guy and well I took the phone just to say she arrived ok and then vame the storm.., I read messages from previous days in ehich she commented about her lingerie, if he was hot, and all that dirty talk. He was all the time asking for her attention. As I found this she got angry and told me she hasn't done anything at all, it's just talk.
I don't have any proof about if something has happened but Now I'm feeling broken. I know I should trust her, we'be been living together for two years, we are together almost all the time and I know it couldn't has happened nothing yet, they've met like 3 times or so in the pub he works in.
Now I'm lost, this is her flat, amd if we broke I gotta start a new life, I'd have to look for a rent, she would have to give me back the money I spent in many things for this new flat.. it would be painful, though the worst thing is that I should probably mo
to my hometown (500km from here) so I'd lost my job..
GAF help, should I just be patient and talk about this calmly later or should I just dump her for these messages?
it's been more than 24 hours awake and now the minutes are gonna pass like days
Just talk? At the very least something is wrong if she's flirting with other men (and an Ex at that) that openly. Ask her flat out how she'd feel finding the same messages on your phone.
Oh I agree, I just don't think the one that persuades the cheater to cheat is absolved of blame.
Well here I am with my luck. My fiancee just came back from having a few drinks with her friends, one if them is an exbf which has been suspicious to me for a while. She came back puking and she left the cellphone by the bed. The phone started to receive whatsapp messages from this guy and well I took the phone just to say she arrived ok and then vame the storm.., I read messages from previous days in ehich she commented about her lingerie, if he was hot, and all that dirty talk. He was all the time asking for her attention. As I found this she got angry and told me she hasn't done anything at all, it's just talk.
I don't have any proof about if something has happened but Now I'm feeling broken. I know I should trust her, we'be been living together for two years, we are together almost all the time and I know it couldn't has happened nothing yet, they've met like 3 times or so in the pub he works in.
Now I'm lost, this is her flat, amd if we broke I gotta start a new life, I'd have to look for a rent, she would have to give me back the money I spent in many things for this new flat.. it would be painful, though the worst thing is that I should probably mo
to my hometown (500km from here) so I'd lost my job..
GAF help, should I just be patient and talk about this calmly later or should I just dump her for these messages?
it's been more than 24 hours awake and now the minutes are gonna pass like days
How long have you been together and how old are you?
intheinbetween
Member
32 yrs and 2yrs and 6months together
Well here I am with my luck. My fiancee just came back from having a few drinks with her friends, one if them is an exbf which has been suspicious to me for a while. She came back puking and she left the cellphone by the bed. The phone started to receive whatsapp messages from this guy and well I took the phone just to say she arrived ok and then vame the storm.., I read messages from previous days in ehich she commented about her lingerie, if he was hot, and all that dirty talk. He was all the time asking for her attention. As I found this she got angry and told me she hasn't done anything at all, it's just talk.
I don't have any proof about if something has happened but Now I'm feeling broken. I know I should trust her, we'be been living together for two years, we are together almost all the time and I know it couldn't has happened nothing yet, they've met like 3 times or so in the pub he works in.
Now I'm lost, this is her flat, amd if we broke I gotta start a new life, I'd have to look for a rent, she would have to give me back the money I spent in many things for this new flat.. it would be painful, though the worst thing is that I should probably mo
to my hometown (500km from here) so I'd lost my job..
GAF help, should I just be patient and talk about this calmly later or should I just dump her for these messages?
it's been more than 24 hours awake and now the minutes are gonna pass like days
She's going out and getting stone drunk with an ex who she is still attracted to, who she knows is still after her, and you know for a fact they've been exchanging sexually charged messages behind your back. I'm sorry, but this paints a very bad picture of their situation.
All you can do is flatly tell her you are hurt and don't approve of this continuing a day longer, then the onus is on her to make a decision. If she cares and loves you, she'll see the error in her actions and change. This is assuming they aren't shagging.
Devolution
Member
2 years 6 months and she's flirting with an ex about her lingerie along with other dirty talk? This doesn't look right.
BocoDragon
or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Realize This Assgrab is Delicious
It could be harmless, though, right? As in, it doesn't necessarily imply physical cheating.
But regardless... it's shitty and hurtful. It's something no one would want to see.
I think, in my own life, if my girl wants to text exes... fine. You'd better not actually cheat. But if you text like that, I don't ever want to know about it... Hide it better
I think armed with that knowledge, she'd stop of her own volition.. unless she actually was being sneaky and cheating.Neverender
Member
It could be harmless, though, right? As in, it doesn't necessarily imply physical cheating.
But regardless... it's shitty and hurtful. It's something no one would want to see.
I think, in my own life, if my girl wants to text exes... fine. You'd better not actually cheat. But if you text like that, I don't ever want to know about it... Hide it better
You're ok with it happening you just don't want to know about it? I dunno man :/
BocoDragon
or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Realize This Assgrab is Delicious
It's a good point and I know that different individuals, and different genders, would have different views on it. Depends on all the people involved.
Personally, if my girl was still friendly or even flirty with an ex, but I was assured that it wouldn't lead to any real, physical cheating, I wouldn't care. But that's me, and not everyone will fell the same way.
Just texts? Yeah, I don't care. I don't punish thought crimes! (or text crimes) Just real ones.
If she was flirting with an ex through texts you wouldn't care? That's a pretty well established slippery slope.
Well here I am with my luck. My fiancee just came back from having a few drinks with her friends, one if them is an exbf which has been suspicious to me for a while. She came back puking and she left the cellphone by the bed. The phone started to receive whatsapp messages from this guy and well I took the phone just to say she arrived ok and then vame the storm.., I read messages from previous days in ehich she commented about her lingerie, if he was hot, and all that dirty talk. He was all the time asking for her attention. As I found this she got angry and told me she hasn't done anything at all, it's just talk.
I don't have any proof about if something has happened but Now I'm feeling broken. I know I should trust her, we'be been living together for two years, we are together almost all the time and I know it couldn't has happened nothing yet, they've met like 3 times or so in the pub he works in.
Now I'm lost, this is her flat, amd if we broke I gotta start a new life, I'd have to look for a rent, she would have to give me back the money I spent in many things for this new flat.. it would be painful, though the worst thing is that I should probably mo
to my hometown (500km from here) so I'd lost my job..
GAF help, should I just be patient and talk about this calmly later or should I just dump her for these messages?
it's been more than 24 hours awake and now the minutes are gonna pass like days
Talk with her about it. Openly. Honestly.
Don't lay down judgement - just try to get the truth out of her, and her real attitudes on the issue.
Talk about it as though it were natural, expected part of human behaviour - but do state that you do feel hard done by it. Just as it's natural human behaviour to want vengeance, be angry and violent, or to devolve into a infantile cycle of pissing, eating, shitting, sleeping... we need to rise above these urges. And if we can't, at least moderate them in a way that doesn't harm us and those around us unduly. After all, we still need to eat and sleep and shit and piss.
Talk, figure out a manner in which this sort of negative harmful behaviour can be reduced. Maybe even compromise and give leeway for this sort of thing. As an example; both of you can have 3 cheat days per annum in your relationship, as long as they're disclosed.
I think that relationships are too important... too precious to simply trash on the basis of emotional reactivity. Figure it out, use all the cognitive tools you have at your disposal to make things work. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship - but it can be preserved and strengthened inspite of our natural indiscretions and predelictions.
If that doesn't work... oh the fuck well. Some people are just after the emotional drama of highs and lows, and becoming entangled in their web will hurt.
SimpleDesign
Member
It's never just harmless flirting.
BocoDragon
or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Realize This Assgrab is Delicious
Obviously it depends on how hot n heavy the texts are. If it's like "come fuck me" chat, well obviously, then it's a slippery slope.
If it's just chit chat with a little sexy talk thrown in, well, like I said, I wouldn't be ecstatic knowing about it, but no, I wouldn't fundamentally mind.
Basically if it's a prelude to a booty call, that's a problem. If it's not, then I don't care....
Devolution
Member
It could be harmless, though, right? As in, it doesn't necessarily imply physical cheating.
But regardless... it's shitty and hurtful. It's something no one would want to see.
I think, in my own life, if my girl wants to text exes... fine. You'd better not actually cheat. But if you text like that, I don't ever want to know about it... Hide it better
It's not harmless, it means she's either not into the relationship and or she's not passionate about the man she's seeing. There is no reason to be flirting like that with someone else, it's honestly a sign that something is wrong.
shanshan310
Member
Eeeeh, not really. Sure, there might be factors in the relationship that cause people to seek fulfillment else where, but not just anywhere. There is often a particular person the cheater finds themself attracted to, who acts as a catalyst for the cheating. If you know what I mean.
AdventureRacing
Member
I guess i'm just of the opinion that when someone cheats it's pretty much always because they are looking for fulfillment outside of the relationship rather than just being attracted to one other person. Taking that one person out of the equation doesn't really solve the issue and it will probably just happen later on (even if it doesn't the problem is still there).
BocoDragon
or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Realize This Assgrab is Delicious
It could be as you say: a series of text exchanges with a ex, which indicates a fundamental lack of commitment to the current relationship, which will lead to an inevitable affair.
...but it also could be just some back and forth texting with an old friend, the ex, including their historical topics of conversation which includes a little harmless sexy talk.
Could easily be either. I don't know. While the poster in question should consider the possibility of it being a problem in the relationship or a prelude to a real cheat, and clearly already has, I just want to caution that it could be a lightweight thing.
In my world, I know plenty of exes who remain friends, they aren't physically cheating, but their SOs probably wouldn't want to hear their conversations. It's just painful to hear any kind of "hey sexy..." talk when it's not about you
Good Job Bob
Member
Devolution
Member
It could be as you say: a series of text exchanges with a ex, which indicates a fundamental lack of commitment to the current relationship, which will lead to an inevitable affair.
...but it also could be just some back and forth texting with an old friend, the ex, including their historical topics of conversation which includes a little harmless sexy talk.
Could easily be either. I don't know. While the poster in question should consider the possibility of it being a problem in the relationship or a prelude to a real cheat, and clearly already has, I just want to caution that it could be a lightweight thing.
In my world, I know plenty of exes who remain friends, they aren't physically cheating, but their SOs probably wouldn't want to hear their conversations. It's just painful to hear any kind of "hey sexy..." talk when it's not about you
I'm best friends with an ex, we do not discuss my lingerie.
Always-honest
Banned
and that's you.
BocoDragon
or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Realize This Assgrab is Delicious
That's your personality then. I know plenty who would talk like that, and it wouldn't necessarily entail running to a hotel room afterwards.
Devolution
Member
Pretty sure that's anyone who has proper boundaries set up with their SO. Unless of course people are just fine with that happening, with an ex no less.
It doesn't have to lead to cheating to be disrespectful or a sign of trouble in their relationship.
Count Dookkake
Member
Only exes with whom I would discuss lingerie are the ones I hope to continue banging.
BocoDragon
or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Realize This Assgrab is Delicious
That is certainly true.
Maybe he's legitimately interested in her choice of brand??
...of course he wants to hook up with her with that kind of talk. Or keep it on the table... on the back burner. But that doesn't mean she will cheat. Imagine if you're a woman in a relationship and you get a text about "what are you wearing". Are you going to say "excuse me.. that crosses my boundaries sir!" No, you'll carry on the little sexy talk. Maybe you even like it. But that doesn't necessarily mean you'll "go there".... (but maybe you will... I dunno).
If the nature of the texts is like... Girl in current relationship: "I'm bored... I'm wearing lingerie.. what are you doing?" Then I think the ambiguity of the situation is out the window........
I can't speak for others, but I will say that I've been with my wife for nearly 11 years now, and I love her more than anyone on earth. I will admit, it's different kind of love, but a less fickle one. I think the trick is, for me, to have married a friend. Someone who I genuinely get along with. I don't have a friend who I can stand to have in my house for longer than a week, other than my wife... who I met as a roommate.
so basically, move in with a stranger, find out they are your best friend, marry them. Thats the solution GAF.
As far as cheating, I've read an interesting thin once, where it was said that men cheat largely when they are done with a relationship, but can't be bothered wit the drama. The article was saying that the real shame here, is that women who've been cheated on, rarely get to learn what part they played, because it usually happened years before the guy cheated.
Not sure I buy it but I think it's interesting to consider.
so basically, move in with a stranger, find out they are your best friend, marry them. Thats the solution GAF.
As far as cheating, I've read an interesting thin once, where it was said that men cheat largely when they are done with a relationship, but can't be bothered wit the drama. The article was saying that the real shame here, is that women who've been cheated on, rarely get to learn what part they played, because it usually happened years before the guy cheated.
Not sure I buy it but I think it's interesting to consider.
Any girl worth her salt would pour the cold water on that flame in a heartbeat if she was totally over it and in love with the person she was with. A woman can shut a man down in any circumstances, so why wouldn't she tell him to not even go there? Because she wants him to send her the postcards from 'there', that's why.
Devolution
Member
I'm of the honest opinion if you're keeping people on the back burner you're not 100% invested in your current relationship and are an asshole leading the other person on.
Always-honest
Banned
These messages would ring a bell with me too. But they have a history. They shared humor, sex, etc. I don't know what was said exactly and in what context. Maybe it was just some harmless fun. Maybe she's a total slut and waiting for a opportunity to cheat on her current bf. Maybe she's a naieve playfull girl and she makes jokes with other guys, etc. In a emancipated western society girls get drunk without their boyfriends and have a laugh, etc.
Doesn't mean they are cheating or would given the chance.
I would need to know a lot more about this situation bfore i could really judge it.
But the most im portant thing is that he should just talk to her about it. If you're afraid to ask your SO a normal question or if she avoids or brushes off all questions then that would be a serious problem. When you start behaving jealous you just give a signal that you allready think she might be capable of cheating.
Well it's clear that you were once attrackted to an ex, cause that's probably why you had a relationship with her. And i don't think it's unhealthy to still have fantasies about that. But it doesn't mean you would risk your losing current relationship with really doing the cheating, right?
It's not exactly a healthy relationship if you're fantasizing about your exes while you're still with your current SO. And while it doesn't mean that someone would cheat, does it mean that they wouldn't? I would say it certainly contributes to the possibility of one scenario over the other, weighing it all together.
BocoDragon
or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Realize This Assgrab is Delicious
I like your idealism for what you'd expect from a woman. I'm just saying that if reality fails your idealism, and the girl still has an element of sexy chat with an ex, it's not necessarily the case that she is physically cheating or has no faith in the relationship. It may be just fine... but YMMV on every level of that. There's all kinds of people, which includes her behavior, how much you are willing to tolerate, etc.
Always-honest
Banned
Not constantly fatasising, but i don't think it's unhealthy if you have sexual thoughts about your ex. It would only make sense if you have them imo.
Devolution
Member
Why are you patronizing him like that? Sexy talks with an ex or another guy are not acceptable and as far as I know none of my girlfriends who weren't already doing suspect shit have done this.
intheinbetween
Member
Well we just talked about it. And after oceans of tears, It seems to be fixed. Obviously I asked her to stop seeing or texting this guy if she really wants me to stay and get married. First I told her I was leaving and she started to cry for a long time, maybe I shouldn't jump so easily to that conclusion but I was feeling really disappointed. Then we talked about what was going on between us and after half an hour we decided to move on and just skip this incident.
I'm sure this happened because we barely have time to be together during the week, that's because of different timetable at our jobs, I work from 9.00 am to 7.00 pm mon-fri and she works from 3.00 pm to 22.00 pm mon-sun, so this makes us torn apart, we can only be together from 22.30 until we go to bed.
I hope she can get a better timetable soon, so we can spend more time together and with more energy.
In the end I have faith in her, I trust her without any doubt, and the most important thing we really love each other... but I won't let anyone take her from me, I can assure you I won't let my guard down and I will do my best
I'm sure this happened because we barely have time to be together during the week, that's because of different timetable at our jobs, I work from 9.00 am to 7.00 pm mon-fri and she works from 3.00 pm to 22.00 pm mon-sun, so this makes us torn apart, we can only be together from 22.30 until we go to bed.
I hope she can get a better timetable soon, so we can spend more time together and with more energy.
In the end I have faith in her, I trust her without any doubt, and the most important thing we really love each other... but I won't let anyone take her from me, I can assure you I won't let my guard down and I will do my best
Count Dookkake
Member
"Hope to continue banging" does not equal "fantasizing about having sex with."
intheinbetween
Member
btw the messages were just flirting, nothing about having sex
Always-honest
Banned
haha, true.
Don't worry, just brush up on your master sword skills.
Your use of the word "idealism" implies unrealistic expectations. I content that the expectations are both reasonable and realistic. If you want an ego-boost by flirting with an ex, that's fine, but you don't really need to play with fire. Why does your ego need boosting would be the real question, not why does my SO have a problem with me texting flirts to my exboyfriend. Or does it mean that I would cheat if I was trading sexy texts with my Ex. It means simply what it means, intimate and sexually charged thoughts and words that you probably wouldn't want your boyfriend or girlfriend to find out about, and may reasonably expect them to object to.
Always-honest
Banned
Good for you, but this doesn't sound good to me. Sorry.
I don't think you trust her at all. That's why you looked in to her messages in the first place.
I'd start looking more in to your own behaviour than into her behaviour.
Anyway, good luck and all the best.
intheinbetween
Member
Pretty much heh xD
Btw, I forgot to say I asked her what would she do if I was the one receiving and sending these kind of messages to an ex or affaire, and she suddenly shut up and started to cry again... oh man, women..
edit: fuckin iphone keyboard
Btw, I forgot to say I asked her what would she do if I was the one receiving and sending these kind of messages to an ex or affaire, and she suddenly shut up and started to cry again... oh man, women..
edit: fuckin iphone keyboard
BocoDragon
or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Realize This Assgrab is Delicious
I respect that.
But I'm a pragmatist these days. It's nice to think in a relationship that you are their ONLY choice ever. Very romantic. But it's not necessarily real. Better to give them no incentive to go to that back burner....
What you call "patronizing", I call respecting his opinion, and adding my own.
Then that shapes your opinion.
I have seen many cases of people maintaining conversations with exes or others, which includes sexual, flirty talk, but didn't imply a lack of interest in the current relationship or an inevitable cheat. And that shapes my opinion.
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