Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy

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ianp622 said:
That study describes a trend - it doesn't give you the leeway to pick out a woman, say, "This is how you view men and this is what you are attracted to" without being sexist.

This is ignoring the fact that brain activation studies are known for leading scientists to make poor conclusions.

And by the time you were saying

You were being sexist, derogatory, and objectifying Devolution.

And if you're think I'm just white-knighting, I'm doing this because I hate when men speak for me about what I'm looking for in someone, or say I'm only interested in sex because I'm a guy and that's all guys are interested in.
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*slow clap*
 
ianp622 said:
That study describes a trend - it doesn't give you the leeway to pick out a woman, say, "This is how you view men and this is what you are attracted to" without being sexist.

This is ignoring the fact that brain activation studies are known for leading scientists to make poor conclusions.

And by the time you were saying

You were being sexist, derogatory, and objectifying Devolution.

And if you're think I'm just white-knighting, I'm doing this because I hate when men speak for me about what I'm looking for in someone, or say I'm only interested in sex because I'm a guy and that's all guys are interested in.
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I don't think there's anything sexist about saying that sexual arousal clouds reason or logic.

Bad decisions are where babies come from.


And I wasn't objectifying anybody, I don't pay attention to gender on a fucking internet message board. If she's a woman, great, I don't care. I would have phrased it the same way had I known.

Sexual arousal is a physiological response that influences psychological predispositions.
 
The Antitype said:
I don't think there's anything sexist about saying that sexual arousal clouds reason or logic.

Bad decisions are where babies come from.
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but that's not what you were saying.

You made two silly assumptions:
1. That masculine = a jerk. What about non-masculine jerks?!
2. That this study gives you permission to tell women want they want, and when they deny it you can tell them they just don't understand how their brains work, or they are their logic is too clouded by [insert reference to getting wet] to realise they want to sleep with an asshole.
 
The Antitype said:
I don't think there's anything sexist about saying that sexual arousal clouds reason or logic.

Bad decisions are where babies come from.
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It is sexist to say that it clouds the reason of a particular gender equally. Although you seem to say it applies equally to men as well - in which case, I have a problem with that.

The Antitype said:
And I wasn't objectifying anybody, I don't pay attention to gender on a fucking internet message board. If she's a woman, great, I don't care. I would have phrased it the same way had I known.
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This post suggests that you knew her gender, and then it really seemed like you were talking to her. Why do you think she found it insulting?

The Antitype said:
Well, if you are attracted to a guy, the chances of you actually identifying him as a jerk are slim to none.

In fact, no matter how much friends and family may warn you about said jerk, you'll probably stand by him and say something like 'Oh you just don't KNOW him' or 'You don't get him' or something like that.

The vagina will always overpower reason. It shares that power with the penis. They are our overlords.
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I don't see how anyone could take that as speaking generally, but assuming you were speaking generally, for both genders, then you're not being sexist. But you're still wrong.
 
ianp622 said:
It is sexist to say that it clouds the reason of a particular gender equally. Although you seem to say it applies equally to men as well - in which case, I have a problem with that.



This post suggests that you knew her gender, and then it really seemed like you were talking to her. Why do you think she found it insulting?



I don't see how anyone could take that as speaking generally, but assuming you were speaking generally, for both genders, then you're not being sexist. But you're still wrong.
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Ok, yeah, that post was in response to a poster that said she didn't like assholes. So I knew she was a woman, I just didn't make a note of it beyond that post.

So maybe I should have been a bit less... colorful in that post, since it started with a direct response to her. I think the following posts written in the exact same tone show it wasn't aimed at her and her gender, it's just how I choose to write.

The point was, again, that sexual arousal clouds thinking, and it absolutely does so for both sexes.
 
EviLore said:
It's normal to have hangups about this sort of thing if you've been alone the whole time 'til recently. Just think rationally about it, use alcohol to relax and get you past the nerves if need be (just not too much), and go for it with someone you like and click with and you think is a good person. You can also (and maybe should, if you need to be super comfortable in order to go through with it) explain your circumstances beforehand after you've reached the point of finding someone cool so the guy you're seeing can be extra gentle and understanding, and can maybe wait a bit longer than typical in the dating process without worrying that he's actually in the friend zone or something.

You're not weird or crazy, just inexperienced, and it's put sex on a pedestal for you when it's totally natural and simple and good and fun. Guys are just people like you, looking for someone to be with (look at all these thousands of posts in this thread). Worry less, adventure more! It's okay to be scared, just never okay to let it be an excuse to hide from what you want to experience. Then you can get on with your life and have one less thing to dwell on, and not feel like you're different from everyone around you.
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That shit is deep man... true for guys and girls.

I nitpicked the fuck out of girls before I ever had sex. Not wifey material?! NEXT. It was like the Seinfeld complex, but to the extreme. No one was perfect enough, and if they were, they were way out of my league. I was inexperienced, going after the top of the shelf girls that everyone hits on... Chances of success? <0%.

Finally said fuck it, stopped being such a judgmental prick as if every little mannerism was important, and had sex... And that was the beginning of a new way of thinking.


Leeness said:
I don't even know. On one hand, I want to just go and do it. On the other, the thought of going out and just having sex with someone makes me kind of hate myself. I don't even know why.

I don't know. I know I'm also afraid that if I managed to somehow get a guy interested enough to end up in bed with them, they'd realize I was weird/ugly/whatever has been repulsing men out about me and like, kick me out or something lol. And that would be embarrassing.
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just get it over with, don't force it but don't make it such a precious thing. You first time will suck, no biggie. It does for the majority of people. btw negativity is an easy way to kill the affection a guy might have for you.
 
The Anti-Monitor said:
Attraction and danger come from masculinity. It's literally what your link says. A more masculine man is more dangerous than a feminine one. A more masculine man is more attractive.

Did you really need a study to tell you this?
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I remember reading a article a long time ago about women being raped who feel guilt for having a small part of them feeling "excited".

they said it be ancient primal instincts from a pre-historic version of man were the males just "took" the females. still it was interesting.
 
Vigilant Walrus said:
I remember reading a article a long time ago about women being raped who feel guilt for having a small part of them feeling "excited".

they said it be ancient primal instincts from a pre-historic version of man were the males just "took" the females. still it was interesting.
Click to expand...

Women can also orgasm during a rape.
 
Minamu said:
ANYWAY, how has Friday been treating everybody? :)
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I was all positive yesterday and i am still trying to stay that way but my intentions to try and go out and do something tonight have failed miserably. I'm paralyzed by fear cause i have no idea what im doing and nobody to do it with. That was MY Friday so AWESOME!
 
Drunk again and got back home. I've got two dates for next week after tonight from getting the girls numbers and planned which days. Jesus how the hell did this happen considering they are halo fans like me too and have a gamer stroke in them and this just happened all out of the blue. Fuck me, I didn't expect any of this tonight/early morning. Crazy tothink one of the women I am going to go on a date is like a amazon as she is the same height as me (6'3). I've done good!
 
~Kinggi~ said:
I was all positive yesterday and i am still trying to stay that way but my intentions to try and go out and do something tonight have failed miserably. I'm paralyzed by fear cause i have no idea what im doing and nobody to do it with. That was MY Friday so AWESOME!
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We are different people in the same reality.
 
Almond said:
I think I'm a decent person. Shouldn't the other person know if they'll like me or not?
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

There are 3.5 billion of you. It is not the rest of the world's job to discovery you. You need to put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable.
 
Almond said:
I think I'm a decent person. Shouldn't the other person know if they'll like me or not?
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But you said:


I don't know know why anyone should like me.
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You have to like yourself first. If YOU don't like yourself, then why would anyone else? You have to realize that people can pick up on whether you like yourself or not. Little things like body language or word choice or eye contact speak volumes.

Being a "decent person" is good, but why do you think that's enough? You SHOULD be a decent person, regardless of whether or not anyone likes you.

You have said multiple times you don't want someone to "settle" for you, yet at the same time don't feel inclined to do anything to make yourself better or stand out from the crowd.

This comment here says a lot:

Almond said:
I do like myself, I just don't think there's anything special, unique, etc. about me. I'm pretty plain looking and boring.
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As the other guy said, would YOU hang out with yourself? If you were a guy, would YOU want to spend time with you or sleep with you? Remember how I asked earlier if you want to be liked or sexually desired? Well, being a "decent person" may not make people hate you, but it's hardly going to make people cross oceans to be with you.

There's a billion billion people out there. You have to be BETTER than them if you want people to spend their precious time on you and not them.

Come on, you have to put EFFORT in.

Again, I'm ugly as hell, but you know what I do to compensate? I try and make people feel better about themselves when I spend time with them. I compliment, tease, crack jokes and make people have FUN. So you have to improve yourself to compensate for any deficits you think you have, i.e. being "plain" or "boring."

If you wouldn't hang out with yourself, then you need to change that. No one else can.
 
Question:

There's a co-worker of mine who I really like but I find out she might have a boyfriend. When she first came to work at the place she was already in a serious relationship.

Around a months ago I realize I liked the woman a lot. Just last week, I realized that she found another. She knows that I like her and she avoids me much of the time. Honestly I ever felt this depress over getting rejected and couldn't come at a worse time(bar exam).

What do I do to get over this?

I seriously need help.
 
pgtl_10 said:
Question:

There's a co-worker of mine who I really like but I find out she might have a boyfriend. When she first came to work at the place she was already in a serious relationship.

Around a months ago I realize I liked the woman a lot. Just last week, I realized that she found another. She knows that I like her and she avoids me much of the time. Honestly I ever felt this depress over getting rejected and couldn't come at a worse time(bar exam).

What do I do to get over this?

I seriously need help.
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Drink beer, listen to this repeat as necessary.
 
Cubsfan23 said:
If you believed without a shadow of doubt that hot women chase you all the time, you wouldn't care about this chick. They would come to you with no effort at all on your part, besides just being yourself
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You know you're right. I even got another woman's number just last Sunday. Although she seems to have a boyfriend and should have just told me from get go.

I'm hot, sexy, attractive and I need her anymore. It sounds weird but it works.
 
Sorry cubs but the 'hey just think you're hot and the women will be asking for your number' thing is the laziest damn advice in this thread at the moment. There are a thousand little steps in there that never get explained so the advice might as well be in another language for less experienced people.
 
Cubsfan23 said:
Anybody can do it, and it can happen for anybody
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Yeah, like when the mommy tells the kid they can be president. They can do it they just gotta belieeeeeeve!!!

your advice isnt entirely "wrong", its just more akin to a rich person telling a poor person they just have to work real hard and invest smartly and they will be rich in no time.
 
Centurion said:
just get it over with, don't force it but don't make it such a precious thing. You first time will suck, no biggie. It does for the majority of people. btw negativity is an easy way to kill the affection a guy might have for you.
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It's not something I can just go and do or whatever unless I go and...I dunno. Buy a male prostitute? Haha. And I'm sure it will suck. But it doesn't really matter. No guys have affection for me, so my negativity is just...whatever. :P

Sorry for derailing the thread the other night, everyone. I'm kind of embarrassed about it. So...yes. Sorry sorry sorry.

Also, good luck, PGTL.
 
~Kinggi~ said:
Sorry cubs but the 'hey just think you're hot and the women will be asking for your number' thing is the laziest damn advice in this thread at the moment. There are a thousand little steps in there that never get explained so the advice might as well be in another language for less experienced people.
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Please explain.

Second of all. I think the advice is solid for what I need it to do which is get over someone My obsession over just person has made things sickening. I thought I can't control feelings so I have to accept that I feel the way I do.

However, Cubs is right on point. Essentially beliefs are what causes feelings. Like I said I even got the number of another woman about a couple days later. Thinking back about it. Why was I obsessed with my co-worker in the first place?
 
it's like a cycle now, there is always someone to come into the thread and make the blanket statement that women only go for a-holes, and there is always some one coming along to post about some PUA style tips.
 
ianp622 said:
Have you tried OkCupid? I messaged someone for about a month until we had a date last week. Even though the first date was kind of strange given we had already talked about so much, it still went really well once she was no longer nervous. Maybe you're similar?

And you don't have to worry that you're an introvert - my "What do you do on a Friday night" is "Going to dinner with friends, studying, playing board/card/video games, painting, or homework (terribly interesting, I know)." As a guy, I average around one unsolicited message a week. As a girl, you'll get a ton more than that.
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I made a profile there a few months ago just to see if I would get any interest, but deleted it. I wasn't happy with any of the guys I got, plus my profile was pretty terrible. I got maybe ten messages. Plus I'm terrified of meeting up with someone.

I'd feel a lot better talking with someone for that long before I meet them. I'd like to get a feel for what they're like, because I'll be a total mess meeting someone.

Slo said:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

There are 3.5 billion of you. It is not the rest of the world's job to discovery you. You need to put yourself out there and make yourself vulnerable.
Click to expand...

I'm not sure what you mean by vulnerable.

jaxword said:
But you said:




You have to like yourself first. If YOU don't like yourself, then why would anyone else? You have to realize that people can pick up on whether you like yourself or not. Little things like body language or word choice or eye contact speak volumes.

Being a "decent person" is good, but why do you think that's enough? You SHOULD be a decent person, regardless of whether or not anyone likes you.

You have said multiple times you don't want someone to "settle" for you, yet at the same time don't feel inclined to do anything to make yourself better or stand out from the crowd.

This comment here says a lot:



As the other guy said, would YOU hang out with yourself? If you were a guy, would YOU want to spend time with you or sleep with you? Remember how I asked earlier if you want to be liked or sexually desired? Well, being a "decent person" may not make people hate you, but it's hardly going to make people cross oceans to be with you.

There's a billion billion people out there. You have to be BETTER than them if you want people to spend their precious time on you and not them.

Come on, you have to put EFFORT in.

Again, I'm ugly as hell, but you know what I do to compensate? I try and make people feel better about themselves when I spend time with them. I compliment, tease, crack jokes and make people have FUN. So you have to improve yourself to compensate for any deficits you think you have, i.e. being "plain" or "boring."

If you wouldn't hang out with yourself, then you need to change that. No one else can.
Click to expand...

What am I supposed to do to stand out then while still being me? I don't get that part.

I probably wouldn't mind hanging out with someone like me. I think if the right guy actually took the time to get to know me, he might like me. It takes me a long time to open up.

I think I can do all that fine online, but in person is where I fall flat. My biggest hang up I think is that I believe no guy I find attractive would want me looking at them or being around them, and of course trying to ask them out/flirt with them. They would either laugh at me or just not be happy that I approached them at all. If I could believe guys don't mind/like when someone ugly shows interest in them, I might be okay.


Thanks for the replies.
 
zchen said:
it's like a cycle now, there is always someone to come into the thread and make the blanket statement that women only go for a-holes, and there is always some one coming along to post about some PUA style tips.
Click to expand...

You don't want them going for b-holes.
 
Leeness said:
It's not something I can just go and do or whatever unless I go and...I dunno. Buy a male prostitute? Haha. And I'm sure it will suck. But it doesn't really matter. No guys have affection for me, so my negativity is just...whatever. :P

Sorry for derailing the thread the other night, everyone. I'm kind of embarrassed about it. So...yes. Sorry sorry sorry.

Also, good luck, PGTL.
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What Cubsfan may have literally change my entire outlook. Seriously I wasted my entire time on one chick and now all of the sudden I'm asking what was I thinking?

I'm sure come Mon. it will still be hard. The co-worker knew I liked her and we had an acquaintance so to speak but seriously why did I ever waste my time on one woman?
 
Devolution said:
This only works for a specific kind of dude.
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Yeah, a confident one.

~Kinggi~ said:
Yeah, like when the mommy tells the kid they can be president. They can do it they just gotta belieeeeeeve!!!

your advice isnt entirely "wrong", its just more akin to a rich person telling a poor person they just have to work real hard and invest smartly and they will be rich in no time.
Click to expand...

We're talking women in a world with literally billions of them, not the singular office of president of the united states.


Not every man/woman can have any SINGULAR woman/man. That much is true.
 
Leeness said:
It's not something I can just go and do or whatever unless I go and...I dunno. Buy a male prostitute? Haha. And I'm sure it will suck. But it doesn't really matter. No guys have affection for me, so my negativity is just...whatever. :P

Sorry for derailing the thread the other night, everyone. I'm kind of embarrassed about it. So...yes. Sorry sorry sorry.

Also, good luck, PGTL.
Click to expand...

I. Don't. Get. It. Do you like... stalk guys are something? From your posts (which I admit, not the greatest indicators of a person's personalities) seem to imply that you're a relatively level-headed person asides from some timidity. And your pictures show you as being pretty damned cute. I really don't get it.

Maybe it's a human thing. Maybe I'm not human.

soultron said:
The Antitype, your posts crack me up. All this talk of general moistening and bad boy alpha males.
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If you see Antitype's posts as just a long running gag, it's pretty damned funny.

Also, jerks aren't limited to masculine assholes. Assholes come in all different types and shapes and spectra of effeminate to masculine.
 
low-G said:
Honestly, if I had actually believed in Parappa I might have turned my life around 15 years ago (or whenever it came out exactly).
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There are obvious limits, but within reason, if you want something and believe in yourself enough to follow through, you can get a lot in life. Sometimes you'll get worn out, but if your reevaluation makes you stop yourself from quitting and then you make it, whatever it is you were working for seems to be worth that much more.

It sounds very Motivational Speaker, I know, but I truly believe in that cliche. Negativity and you, yourself, are really the biggest thing in your way that might block you en route to ____.
 
soultron said:
There are obvious limits, but within reason, if you want something and believe in yourself enough to follow through, you can get a lot in life. Sometimes you'll get worn out, but if your reevaluation makes you stop yourself from quitting and then you make it, whatever it is you were working for seems to be worth that much more.

It sounds very Motivational Speaker, I know, but I truly believe in that cliche. Negativity and you, yourself, are really the biggest thing in your way that might block you en route to ____.
Click to expand...

When I first started turning my life around one of my 'friends' (a bit of a jerk) said something like 'that sounds like self help bullshit'. Dude hasn't progressed an inch while I got in shape, dated tons of ladies, and had so many other successes in life.

Seems to me that people that dismiss such ideas never tried them themselves.
 
NotTheGuyYouKill said:
I. Don't. Get. It. Do you like... stalk guys are something? From your posts (which I admit, not the greatest indicators of a person's personalities) seem to imply that you're a relatively level-headed person asides from some timidity. And your pictures show you as being pretty damned cute. I really don't get it.

Maybe it's a human thing. Maybe I'm not human.
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My terrible personality, I guess. Oops. I suppose it's kind of created a barrier of HELL NO around me that is impenetrable haha.
 
Leeness said:
My terrible personality, I guess. Oops. I suppose it's kind of created a barrier of HELL NO around me that is impenetrable haha.
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Why do you think you have a terrible personality? You don't seem to have one, based on your posts here. Has somebody told you that enough in your life to where you believe it is true? Don't undersell yourself like that. You are you, and only you can be you.

You don't have a terrible personality, and you seem like a good person. There's nothing wrong with you, you just haven't found the right person for you is all. At some point you will, and you'll just know it. When that happens everything else will fall into place.
 
I'm pretty sure someone can find a scientific study that shows that men with higher testosterone levels are more prone to violent behaviour. Evolution and all that.

Humans didn't get to be the dominant species on this planet by giving into their base emotions. We've learned to condition ourselves against it.


Almond said:
I know. I just haven't met anyone like that in person yet.

Thanks.
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I kind of fall into the introvert category myself, and I bet others on this thread do as well. We're out there; good luck in your search.
 
Leeness said:
My terrible personality, I guess. Oops. I suppose it's kind of created a barrier of HELL NO around me that is impenetrable haha.
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I used to be that way. I'm still accused of having a "stay away from me" aura when I'm not in the mood to socialize. One thing that helps a lot, is looking people in the eye and giving a warm smile.
 
SpectreFire said:
I think I figured out why Cubsfan is so adamant about his schtick here.

http://www.eventbrite.com/event/3412718533

Jesus fuck. These people make bank off of teaching idiots bullshit.

I paid waaay less for vocal lessons from a highly recommended voice coach, and I was learning tangible-ass skillsets.
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Maybe it's been a successful philosophy for him? Lots of the "Brent" stuff is exactly in line with what the OP talks about anyway.
 
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