Perspicacity
Banned
Ah, well at least you did the gentlemanly thing and took care of her. I'm sure you'll get another shot.
Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
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Sub_Level
wants to fuck an Asian grill.
****ing **** dammit I keep freezing up when talking to girls. Was talking to this cute one at a career fair today and I even made her laugh and everything but then I just walked away to a different table lol. She wasn't busy, nobody else was at the table, but I just don't know what happened.
Gucci Messiah
Banned
You don't want to linger and creep her out
the fact that she was willing to even see him again, makes me not believe anything she says
but do whatever you want
Vermillion
Banned
Anyone else feel awkward when it comes with attractive girls in your classes? It's not that I'm threatened by girls who are potentially smarter than I am (in that particular class or maybe more), it's that I'm sure they'd prefer someone at or above their level :/
Atramental
Banned
Are you psychic? How do you know what they prefer or don't prefer?
For all you know they might want to get with a down to earth guy that they can just chill with and be "normal" around.
Vermillion
Banned
Psychic? Nah. But I'm relatively good at reading people. And if they want that, it's not exactly a rare commodity - much better (and funnier) choices around.
Atramental
Banned
You're selling yourself short, Joker. And don't compare yourself to other guys.
I do that as well and it is a terrible mental trap to be in.
"Oh... I'm bald and all these guys with girlfriends have full heads of hair."
"Oh... I'm not as physically fit as that guy. What woman would want an average guy like me?"
"Oh... I'm not as charismatic and confident as that guy... how the hell am I going to be like that?"
These are some of my negative thoughts about myself and they stop me from taking action. You have to take action and try to get with these girls no matter what your self-doubt tells you.
I do that as well and it is a terrible mental trap to be in.
"Oh... I'm bald and all these guys with girlfriends have full heads of hair."
"Oh... I'm not as physically fit as that guy. What woman would want an average guy like me?"
"Oh... I'm not as charismatic and confident as that guy... how the hell am I going to be like that?"
These are some of my negative thoughts about myself and they stop me from taking action. You have to take action and try to get with these girls no matter what your self-doubt tells you.
Vermillion
Banned
You're right. Hard to shake the feeling they'd prefer someone smarter. Just like how even tall girls prefer guys that are taller still...
I just reframe it as my brain lying to me, in the moment
Also, it's a good thing to be aware of these thoughts, because then you can eliminate it with various methods. It would be worse for you not to know what is limiting you.
Atramental
Banned
How I personally eliminate those negative thoughts is that I think of real life examples I've seen that disprove them.
-I have seen bald guys who are in their early 20s have gfs.
-There's plenty of guys who have the same body type as me and they are hooking up and getting into relationships all of the time.
-I don't need to be as confident or charismatic as a stage actor or a professional speaker to get with a girl. Just a moderate amount of confidence and charisma is all I need.
-I have seen bald guys who are in their early 20s have gfs.
-There's plenty of guys who have the same body type as me and they are hooking up and getting into relationships all of the time.
-I don't need to be as confident or charismatic as a stage actor or a professional speaker to get with a girl. Just a moderate amount of confidence and charisma is all I need.
Gucci Messiah
Banned
This is a great post
I'm an expert
Formerly worldrevolution. The only reason I am nice to anyone else is to avoid being banned.
If you were good at reading people you wouldn't be in the situation you're in. People who are good at reading people, like myself, use it to their advantage. What you are good at is overthinking simple shit.
This is good as long as you don't get trapped in needing to see actual proof with your own eyes to believe it. The brain IS lying to you, it's doing that to keep you where it's comfortable, aka the self-loathing place where there's no risk taking and zero chance of getting hurt..
Atramental
Banned
Right now I'm going through a lot of self doubt because I'm planning on doing an "asking out" spree at my university. Haha..
It's my senior year so I'm like "Fuck it. Why not?"
It's my senior year so I'm like "Fuck it. Why not?"
Atramental
Banned
Heh... yeah. I'm probably going overboard with this idea. Haha.You must have a lot of energy and free time
Howard Ballou
Member
In terms of dating, my senior year was my most successful. Go for it!
Somewhat; there's one girl in one of my classes that I'll look at at the end of class to see what she's doing. She'll typically be looking at her laptop and I leave. However, I don't feel intimidated by attractive girls. I mean they could be more outgoing than me for all I care, but that's not going to stop me from talking to them. We're all human in the end of the day. I talk to them because I want to, not because I'm necessarily out to get their numbers or place value on that.
But that's BS, man; you're placing women on a pedestal. The best thing is to be yourself and don't be a doormat when women try to make you do stuff for them e.g. hold their bags.
That's definitely the right mentality to have; you have absolutely nothing to lose. If you're having a good conversation going and feel like both you are enjoying your company, the number comes naturally. I'm thinking the same thing this semester; keep an open mind to trying new things out and go with the flow. I applied to become a Senior senator for the student government despite never having thought about doing it in the first place. I thought "Sure. Why not?" I think I did well in the interview that a couple of people like me despite two of them being in my fraternity and one of the other guys liking me.
I'm going through a similar phase myself where doubt sets in from time to time and I'm a good looking guy. Last Thursday, I was at a some kind of a social mixer party at my school, but I felt kind of awkward just watching people dance and play Water Pong (no beer allowed at the school), up on the stage.This one area where I'm weakest at; every time I go to one of these events alone, I don't know what to do other than stand around and look at people having fun. A couple of doubts run through my head as well.
However, on the plus side, I talked to a girl that's in one of my classes on Monday at the computer lab just to talk to her so asked her about the reading assignment that's due tomorrow. I also introduced myself to another girl that's in that same class when we did a group work assignment with another dude.
Later that day, I talked to a fairly attractive blonde girl that's in both my morning and class and my afternoon class after having realized it after class. We walked and talked; she was expressing interest in me by asking me what other classes I'm taking. It was going well until I saw my friend and went to talk to him instead since she was heading home. She had a little bit of a confused/suprised look on her face and kept going down the escalator after I told her that I would see her on Thursday. My friend told me I should go after her, but I told him it's cool. I still feel kind of bad about it two days later; part of me wants to apologize for the douche bag move, but another part of me says not to since I have nothing to apologize for. I think I might just go with the latter.
Atramental
Banned
Another thing that eats at the back of my mind, besides my own personal self-doubt, is that I still live with my religious parents.
So I hope that whoever I get with is understanding enough to allow uh... "activities" at their place instead of mine. Haha.
So I hope that whoever I get with is understanding enough to allow uh... "activities" at their place instead of mine. Haha.
Etrian Oddity
Member
You and I are very much alike. And we need to up our approaches, because I'm tired of us just posting reports that we spoke to a girl, as if it's an accomplishment.
I've eyed a few girls in my classes but both ended up being rather rude people in general (letting doors slam on people behind them, having snippy answers to the teachers, etc). Disappointing. I still make a point to approach at least two girls every day at campus, tho. Works out well because you get into that habit and you lose your fear of girls... somewhat, haha. Sometimes I violate the 3-second rule and choke myself.
The Outsider
Member
:lol
I see what you did there.
You and I are very much alike. And we need to up our approaches, because I'm tired of us just posting reports that we spoke to a girl, as if it's an accomplishment.
I've eyed a few girls in my classes but both ended up being rather rude people in general (letting doors slam on people behind them, having snippy answers to the teachers, etc). Disappointing. I still make a point to approach at least two girls every day at campus, tho. Works out well because you get into that habit and you lose your fear of girls... somewhat, haha. Sometimes I violate the 3-second rule and choke myself.
I always say it builds up confidence. The idea to get comfortable talking to women until the point where it becomes second nature. That's exactly it; overcoming the fear of talking girls to the point where you realize how easy it is to strike up a conversation with girls, let alone anyone. It gets easier every time. In my case, I haven't been asking for numbers lately which is something I need to do until it gets super easy to do. So maybe that's the sort of boot camp I need to put myself through. Otherwise, initiating conversation has been getting much easier as well as maintaining a decent conversation.
I saw a couple of episodes of a show called Geek Love earlier that takes place at the New York Comic Con Sci-Fi Speed Dating event and it was funny but sad at the same. One of the guys in the first episode is a painfully socially awkward 32 year man who *spoiler alert*
wasn't able to land himself a date.
Here's the link for anyone who's interested in watching them (only 2 episodes on Youtube as far as I know): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8qHrw55tpE&feature=relmfu
Oh I'm sure they won't turn you down because you want to use their bed instead of yours
Unless they have the same problem. There's always bushes to fool around in 
Or club toilets...
Rough environment
I know this is the right thing to do, but it's really hard. How can you be confident and stop the self-loathing, when you can't even get a girl to be interested in you? What's the motivation for having a positive attitude? That's why you stop trying, or never begin at all, and the spiral goes on and on, till you get desperate and feel like you'll be that way for the rest of your life. I've read a lot of repeated advice here, that while good, it's also not possible for every person. For example, I can only start going to the gym in 2 months, when my university term ends (and I'm planning on doing it). Clubbing is also a no-go, as my friends don't like going there, and I can't go alone as I'm shy as fuck.
I know you all have good intentions, but I think that some of us have come so deep down the depression/low self-esteem hole that it will be close to impossible to come out.
I think what he means is stop focusing on getting laid and on women. Focus on other goals to improve yourself first.
"You'll lose money by chasing women, but you'll never lose women by chasing money."
Chase your dreams and if some chick wants to come along for the ride then so be it.
Gucci Messiah
Banned
Focus on improving yourself in other areas
Arjen
Member
Any tips on dealing with really insecure woman?
I've been dating this girl for about 3 months now, and we have a good time, but she's contstantly asking me if i still want to see her, no matter how many times i tell her i enjoy spending time with her. For example yesterday, text exchange.
She: Hey, would love to see you again soon.
Me: Me, i'd love to, but i'm realy busy this week.
She: You can be honest if you don't want to see me at all..
I didn't respond to the last one, because i had my sister over at the moment.
An hour later, she's at my house, panicked why i didn't text her back.
That stuff is kind of freaking me out (and i told her that to), i have no idea how to deal with it.
I've been dating this girl for about 3 months now, and we have a good time, but she's contstantly asking me if i still want to see her, no matter how many times i tell her i enjoy spending time with her. For example yesterday, text exchange.
She: Hey, would love to see you again soon.
Me: Me, i'd love to, but i'm realy busy this week.
She: You can be honest if you don't want to see me at all..
I didn't respond to the last one, because i had my sister over at the moment.
An hour later, she's at my house, panicked why i didn't text her back.
That stuff is kind of freaking me out (and i told her that to), i have no idea how to deal with it.
You're right. Getting laid won't change you for the better. Maybe temporarily but it's not a good long term strategy.
This is tough love, but no, it's not as hard as it seems at all. That's usually just an excuse not to try harder, honestly. As for not getting a girl interested, that's because of the self-loathing, not the other way around. It's an endless circle, yes, but it can be broken by attempting to break it in the right place, which is yourself. You can get girls by not being self-loathing, but you can't stop being self-loathing by getting girls. It might feel that way but then you're just fooling yourself. And this IS possible for anyone that at least doesn't have serious mental issues that require medicine etc. That kind of thing must be fixed first, then our advice will work for those people too. Anything else is just excuses again. Not being able to go to the gym because of school is probably crap too, a gym session shouldn't last more than two hours, including taking a shower etc. So that's about 6 hours per week. It'll also have a positive effect on your mental health and capacity to work and think so school will be easier if you keep it up. If you have time to argue on GAF, you have the time to visit the gym, it's as simple as that. You can argue with that as much as you want, but you'll only be hurting yourself. As for clubbing, go alone anyway. If you don't, you're again making poor excuses for yourself. You're probably not even that shy, you've just been sold on the concept of shyness. And you're reinforcing the stereotype by telling yourself that you are shy. That's not helping.
I've been down in that depression swamp as well. That's why I keep giving this advice, because it worked great for me and many others, and I'm no longer down in that swamp. Considering you're aware of all the advice given here, you must realize that it's only your own head that keeps you down there, and you give in to those thoughts. Your mind wants you down there, and you let it control you. You can't blame your brain for this, only yourself for letting you be dominated like that. Getting out is actually easier than most believe, and it's only as hard as you want it to be. It is possible to snap out of it like a light switch, but most people don't believe that's true and would argue with me on it, and that's why it keeps being false for most. Granted, I needed my own reality shattering event to snap out of it all and it seems that these are truths you have to realize on your own terms in many cases. Sometimes it's not something you can accept simply by reading about it. I think this thread has proven that many times over by now, unfortunately.
Saying this in here usually makes me feel like the devil's advocate, but I'm very pro creating my own reality. And it always starts with cutting out the shit you usually say, like I'm shy and an introvert, I can't laid because I'm too ugly and fat or whatever. When you say such things to yourself, either verbally, in text or even just in your head, that's the life you will create and live. I used to be as introverted as the next guy but I decided this wasn't true, and thus it wasn't anymore. You gain absolutely nothing positive by reinforcing your beliefs about being shy. But you gain so much by changing that into something more positive like "I'm always confident, courageous and extroverted". Also convince yourself that your self-esteem hole is just a pothole, or better yet, isn't there at all. If you believe that, it will be true.
Arjen: She must come to terms with her own problems, you're not her doctor. That sort of thing won't go away simply by being her boyfriend.
SniperHunter
Banned
I met this really, really cute and happy Filipino girl at work...omg she is so fucking cute and optimistic!! I have been speaking to her casually since last Tuesday, but it turns out she is married 
She looks really young (probably just 18 or 19), I was blown away by the fact she is married. Feels bad man....feels really bad...I don't meet girls who are this compatible with me that often.
She looks really young (probably just 18 or 19), I was blown away by the fact she is married. Feels bad man....feels really bad...I don't meet girls who are this compatible with me that often.
ThisWreckage
Banned
I tried to date a girl at work and nothing came from it. One day she pissed me off and I totally went off on her at work. Guess what? From that point, her interest has shot up dramatically and she's even started calling me. It saddens me that men have to act like total assholes to land women, but this is the world we live in.
MisterNegative
Banned
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
Tell her when you can see her again. Make the rejection less severe by showing you are working for it too.
Vermillion
Banned
I was more worried about the intelligence than the attractiveness.
And I'm just a nice person in general. Though I have a mind to start being a bit of an asshole to everyone. It's just not me, though.
Seriously, that bit is annoying about attracting women.
I'd like more than your possibly exaggerated account of how dramatically her interest shot up. If there's anything that can eat away at a woman, it's the guilt of having someone be angry at her or hate her for reasons out of her control or intent, so most likely her being nicer to you or calling you was nothing more than her trying to get you to like her again, not so much because she liked you, simply for the sake of not being hated by you. If in the process of trying to make it up to you she actually fell for you, that was purely coincidental. By no means was your asshole attitude the winning factor.
Intelligence shouldn't intimidate you. In fact, I think it's a plus if a woman is more intelligent than me if anything. I mean if a woman is more intelligent, big deal. If anything, she'll like you for who you are. Everyone is intelligent in their own ways/areas. A woman might be intelligent in say English, but you're smart at Math or say being street smart. If a chick from your class gets a higher grade than you on a quiz or an exam, it's no big deal; that doesn't really mean anything.
Again, I understand why you would want to act like a douche bag to everyone. But as long you don't let women step all over you, you have the edge over the average dude. A friend of mines was telling me that maybe he should act like a jerk to women since a lot of them supposedly like going out with jerks. I told him he doesn't need that. I would say not to let that frustrate you. That seems to be the problem with a lot of guys these days. Screw all that crap. Be proud of who you are; it's gotten you friends, it's probably gotten you dates as well. As I've gotten older, I've realized that there's people that like my personality and accept me for who I am which is great.
I'll give you another example. My youngest half-brother has a friend in school who he pokes fun of because he tries to be down with him and his friends by trying to act like them and do things that makes them roll with laughter. The reason why they're really laughing at him is because he's not being himself. If he were to be himself, then my brother and his friends would stop making fun of him/laughing at him and respect him more.
Any way, a small update from me not so much from talking to women/the dating side, but it pertains to social stuff. I landed myself the student government job as a Senior senator which I had a feeling I was going to get. You guys ever get that feeling where you're taking an exam that you studied well for and you feel pretty good about it like some kind of a quiet confidence? That's the same feeling I had during the interview.
I'm also going to be working the New York Comic Con which is going to build my social skills as well as give me the opportunity to meet new people. And lastly, despite how much I've been avoiding it, I'm thinking about doing a few volunteer shifts for the non-profit theatre that I joined last year. Guys, if you're socially awkward and have social anxiety like I do, work on your social skills by doing stuff like this. Don't be afraid to take risks.
Etrian Oddity
Member
Great great great. Glad to hear you're moving on up. I signed up for a leadership seminar later in the month, so hopefully the presentation will be good and I can meet fellow students who may share goals with me.
I actually had a really good day today, with a lot of girls reciprocating friendly approaches. And I caught a random girl staring at me as I went down a staircase past them. Second time that's happened in the same staircase this month, and both girls were attractive. Definitely a confidence boost along with my weight loss.
Not entirely a dating question, but more a statement of confusion. I'm in a 6:30-9:30 English class, and out of everyone there I only get along well with one girl, we spend most of the class talking and she seems to enjoy telling me about herself and hearing about me, but as soon as 9:30 hits she instantly starts ignoring me, as in even if I talk to her on the way out of class she pretends she doesn't hear me or something. I guess I'm just there to stave off the boredom of English class for her? Makes sense I guess, but you'd think she'd at least answer to a see you later? Any ideas what this is all about?
That's cold.
Try talking to her outside of class I guess and see what happens. By that I mean, not on your way out of class, but instead in the hallway or during some down time, etc.
Vermillion
Banned
I love the intelligence. I just assume they'd then prefer someone smarter.
And being an overall nice person is being me. Some people may consider it being stepped all over, but I really don't feel like fighting over small shit. If I'm close to what someone wants, I'd get it for them - that simple. Other people bitch and moan about it, but I honestly don't care.
Ah, well.
thats just how some people are.
it used to blow my mind how many people i knew around campus that would look me in the eye and not acknowledge me.
but then i realized i do the same thing once i complained about it.
so i started wearing sunglasses!
That seems ridiculous, I've never had it happen before, I usually have people calling my name and saying hi wherever I go on campus. And I never forget to say hello to someone I know.
Dr Duncan Steel
Member
Im just gonna go ahead and assume this by saying I think I'm in the friendzone you guys.
I'll keep it simple; I sit next to a girl I like in class. Everyday before the instructor comes in we have small talk and we genuinely have fulfilling conversations for like 5 minutes. And when class ends, we just leave. No goodbyes or anything. I say goodbye sometimes also and of course she responds to that.
This has been going on for two months.
I'm sure the writings on the wall, "just ask her out" (and really I just want GAF's input)
So yeah. This is stupid. But really I just want someone telling me something.
Apologies if I come off as condescending. I'm just more confused than I usually am. Two months is a long time though. Ugh god dammit.
She's still a nice person though. Nothing has changed but I might be overlooking something.
I'll keep it simple; I sit next to a girl I like in class. Everyday before the instructor comes in we have small talk and we genuinely have fulfilling conversations for like 5 minutes. And when class ends, we just leave. No goodbyes or anything. I say goodbye sometimes also and of course she responds to that.
This has been going on for two months.
I'm sure the writings on the wall, "just ask her out" (and really I just want GAF's input)
So yeah. This is stupid. But really I just want someone telling me something.
Apologies if I come off as condescending. I'm just more confused than I usually am. Two months is a long time though. Ugh god dammit.
She's still a nice person though. Nothing has changed but I might be overlooking something.
Arjen
Member
Just ask her out.
Hey, you want to grab a coffee and continue the conversation after class? When the instructor comes in. Easy as that.
Dr Duncan Steel
Member
Hot damn reading this post, right down to English class, is exactly what I'm going through. Only without the completely blowing off part.
Devolution
Member
Why would you think this?
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