Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
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Sort of. Basically, if you try to hit on a girl and she says "I have a boyfriend.", then you can probably translate that is "ain't gonna happen." If they were really going to do that, then they either wouldn't mention it or it would be "I have a boyfriend, but....."
Pollux
Member
I just re-read my posts and realized it came across as a ""my buddy...." wink wink but i mean me" thing. In this case it actually is my buddy.
I'm living with my GF and everything is hunky dory with us. Just to clarify.
Hypereides
Member
The boyfriend is fucking something up alright, since shes seeking a new and better model to replace the current one.
Well, another example is the FPUA 19 Flakey Girl Ive been talking about. Shes seeing another guy besides me, and possibly more. Shes blantantly simoltanously testing me, but I dont give a shit, cause Im doing the same. Im not a man for jealousy since it displays weakness and lack of confidence and self-control. Its the last thing a woman is looking for. But then again from what I can judge this "other dude" wont last long if they ever hook up.
Agreed.
I'm just dropping some knowledge since we're discussing it. c:
Pollux
Member
Yea I agree with everything you've been saying, I just wanted to clarify lol
just gonna toss in that i dont really like the bowling date, not early in the relationship at least.
-two people/lane is expensive per person
-you're taking turns bowling/sitting down.. so not really interacting
-if you are interacting, the game is just sitting there not being played
i dunno, whenever im bowling its with a group of people, and ive seen so many awkward bowling dates that i wouldnt do it. doesnt make for a good environment to get to know someone, vs a game like pool, or minigolf, where you can chat WHILE playing, instead of having to take breaks.
Haha. Bad example? Or amazing example?
Cutting a hydra's head off will result in two more heads appearing.
My GF made me Settlers of Catan cupcakes last night for my berfday. She's a keeper.
I tell you, I had to go through some hilariously bad matches to get to her, but I'm glad I stuck it out and didn't give up on dating. I hope you guys wanting to give up will take this awesome story as fuel to continue your quest. It's cheesey, but "it gets better." So keep on going!
dude, that is fucking awesome. congrats! happy birthday.
Is it really accurate to say this is always the case? I'm pretty sure my ex (of 5.5 years) dumped me about 3 weeks ago and is now with this guy that generally everyone agrees (except her close circle of friends) is a straight downgrade from me. I know she didn't cheat on me before we broke up, but I realized after the break up that she is basically what you would call a "crazy" for a multitude of reasons. I don't think that one was really my fault.
Maybe she was simply bored and knew all there was to know about you. You'll probably never get closure on that, so you need to learn to be "okay with it" and to move on.
You're not with her so there's no sense in worry about it or spending time locked up in your own head, repeatedly scrawling out "WHY DID SHE LEAVE ME FOR HIM" on the walls of your skull.
Just as she replaced you, you too will replace her.
Oh, alright then
And heeeey, I didn't mean random half naked dudes xD I meant the picture(s) of RawPower haha. Ah, the misinterpretations, fun stuff Hey, your avatar kinda looks like you, didn't expect that. You look alright, except what other have already said I suppose. The punk rock style isn't bad at all.
Did you write the letter in this video by any chance?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgPzjqOzbCQ
I mean, have you tried going out yourself to these drunkard evenings?
ThisWreckage
Banned
People will get tired of you and your bullshit. It doesn't matter if you're top shelf, triple A boyfriend material or not. The thing is, people in general often get tired of the monotony of relationships. It's the primary reason why I think most marriages don't work.
People will throw away happiness to taste excitement.
i work at a campus pub, where people only come to get drunk as fuck and ideally find 1 night stands. there are still girls who will come and not drink, for whatever reason (money, calories, school/work in the AM) and still have a good time. if you're worried you can't have a good time when everyone else is drunk and you are sober, prove yourself wrong. if you just straight up dont approve of people being drunk, well you need to become more tolerant of a person, in general. you can go out, have fun, and meet people without downing an excess of alcohol, its not weird. people will respect you for still going out to bars without drinking.
So at the end of the day, this is still my fucking fault somehow?! No, I'm not okay with that.
ThisWreckage
Banned
It's not really your fault that human beings are mercurial and never satisfied.
So great, I can never trust everyone again. Great.
Oh, alright then
Hey, your avatar kinda looks like you, didn't expect that. You look alright, except what other have already said I suppose. The punk rock style isn't bad at all.
Did you write the letter in this video by any chance?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgPzjqOzbCQ
I mean, have you tried going out yourself to these drunkard evenings?
The last couple of pages are rather embarrassing for me to look at, to say the least. I think that's what happens when two radically different belief systems clash in one thread. And honestly, until I posted in here, I was proud of the way I looked. It's not that I don't care about myself, but I genuinely feel comfortable with my "punk" look. That said, I can and will make some adjustments and improvements.
ThisWreckage
Banned
Don't mind me, I'm one cynical bastard.
Well this makes me wish I didn't exist anymore.
No one's fault, just is what it is. Relationships last until death pretty much out of sheer complacency or religious imperative or having children together. It's okay to get bored and move on, if you're not living life for yourself to at least some degree you're not going to be happy.
Here's a reality check for you: you're not perfect. (None of us are.) As confident as anyone can be, they're not -- and will never be -- perfect. If any imperfection is enough (or grows to be enough) of a reason for your partner to start questioning their commitment to you, it can lead to the eventual end of your relationship through a variety of means.
In your case, especially because you're young, she probably just got bored. Younger women are incredibly fickle and that's why we always tell people who're considering dating someone who's 18/19/etc. to think twice about holding out for a lasting commitment from these girls.
I'd hate to be an ass, but you're young and I don't expect you to absorb a lot of this right now.
Because you say things like this.
Good news being that you'll grow up. This is one experience that will benefit you in the long run.
Hypereides
Member
The more you start to think if its your fault, the more you will believe it. Stop that right now. This girl was obviously not worth your time and didnt appreciate you well enough to bounce the way she did. If you decide to dwell on this, you'll never learn from it.
Right now, youre looking forward towards new things on the horizon. Start doing things that make you happy. And enjoy the time you have now.
Slay this moral mindfuck and become a fucking hero. Heros win. And party hard.
Honestly, I was happy before the breakup. She wasn't perfect, and she was completely fucking nuts, but at least I had some stability in my life at the end of the day.
I'm 22 and she was 23, although you probably still consider that young, I thought I would throw it out there anyway.
It will always bother me what fucking happened. I mean I sort of know, but not 100%. I need to know though so it doesn't happen in the future. So yeah, it still bothers me, and has ever since it happened.
On top of that, it worries me that the major thing I think fucked it over will still continue to fuck me over in the future, and it's not something I can do anything about, other than lying, which would potentially end up being worse.
Stopped reading right there.
What difference does it make? I was still happy back then. Everyone in here is saying I won't find anyone perfect anyway (not me specifically, but just in general).
Hypereides
Member
That was one big fucking ass red flag you failed to identify. Dude, sorry, but it sounds like she castrated you and took charge. After a while she'll get bored by being in lead and find some one who can. Move on.
There'll just be a different red flag with anyone else. What's really the point?
Hypereides
Member
There will ALWAYS be some kind of red alert, which is what you have to learn. Once you learn these variations of red flags you'll know what to do next time and tackle it differently or even diffuse it.
And what? Bail out every time? If it's enough of a red flag, there's nothing I can do, just like in the last case. I'm completely screwed either way.
Hypereides
Member
Wow, she really did harvest your balls and stuck them into some conservation jar as a sourvenir. Time to break the glass and take back whats rightfully yours, I say.
Shits sucks you see it this way bro. Youre not seeing the positive outcome here at all. But this is your time to man up and show her you are more and better than her.
Some times you get what you need and you move on with new knowledge under your belt and in your briefcase.
Listen to my good man Marvin and learn from his mistakes.
EDIT: Youre only 22? If only I had known what I know now, back then.... so take it as a plus youre learning this now.
Thanks, your advice was really helpful, as was the advice from the other poster. I sent her a really long email about everything and how I feel and how we can't be friends.
She sent a really long reply back, she sounds mixed up and is missing me loads, I don't understand why she did it and it looks like she did it cos she was scared. I think we have things to sort out as this all happened really quickly. She wasn't going to break up on valentines day but I forced it, she was going to wait another week as she didn't want me to go...hopefully we can salvage this and she isn't stubborn and refuse to admit she made a mistake.
thestopsign
Member
So today's my birthday, how do I capitalize on this fact this weekend? Do you guys have better luck on or near your birthday with ladies?
Johnlenham
Member
Yeah I was going to say the same thing. Oh and dont bail on a friends birthday to chase a girl!! Thats poor form!
Ok, she is just totally awesome in my books. Settlers of Catan is my ultimate favourite board game, especially with some of the expansions. You better take good care of her. ^__^
This. People are generally totally adorable. If you treat them so, they usually treat you back the same way.
Also it is a good idea to create a nice circle of close friends. And when you don't feel that alone and have people to talk to, you might forget you are in a need of a girl... And usually when you manage to do that, they start to be all over you.
The words of truth.
I know many relationships that have started like this. What I have seen, they have turned out to be awesome. Also if the lad in the new relationship is good enough with females all in all, it doesn't happen again, but they for example talk about things before the said female ends up doing something extreme like that again.
I need to still add that some of the relationships that start like that are just "in-between-relationship-between-good-relationships" meaning basicly just some good sex and more security to the girl, so you need to be sure to be in one of those "good-relationships" to make it happen and last.
Hey, anything to help. I am here for you lads.
And well, also for my own personal amusement, but I can still pretend to be here mainly for you.
If you would ask from me, I would say that now she is fearing to lose you totally. Like I said, she still loves you really much, but she sees you more like a brother than a lover. She would love to just hang around with you and have you as a good friend. I hope that I am wrong and that you can make it happen, if that is what you wish, but what I said, is totally how I see your situation.
I know where you're coming from dude. I met my girl on 4chan irc at 18, we had similar interests and shit and met irl after a few months and did a long distance thing for like 2 years before moving in. Even long distance I failed to read the red flags we've been having. She was always a very rude and controlling person and she ran me down a lot. I did a lot of things I didn't want to do simply because she thought I should. Once I moved in the sex almost died (like 1-2 times a month) because half the time I'd ask, she'd say she was busy or wasn't in the mood. So I stopped asking after a few months and just had sex when she approached me about it (usually when she felt lonely).
Of course she held this against me saying it was MY fault. Everything was always my fault, never hers. Then the year before we moved in I got kind of retarded at my job and lazy and gained a bunch of weight, so that didn't help. She'd push me to exercise but because I've always been kind of depressed since before I met her (she's got ptsd and depression and shit too) I could never follow through that much. I realized I was just doing it for her and not for myself and lost interest. I'd go to school in the morning, go on the computer for a bit and leave for class. She'd leave before me and I'd get to class on time while she went to work. She'd get home and I'd be on the computer when she got back usually. I had been searching for a job but all I could find was work study, so what else am I supposed to do? all my schoolwork is on the pc anyways. I mean yeah I'd greet her and ask her how her day went and stuff but then she'd want to sit down, relax and do the exact same shit I was doing when she walked in. Okay??
I'd try to get her to do stuff with me, or go out to places but she'd always make excuses why not to "I'm too busy, I'm tired, I'm that". Once and a while we would do something but it was so few and far between. We lived together but we didn't do anything together. I'd want to make her dinner (and would when she asked) but half the time I would offer and she'd say no, and I'd never know what to spontaneously make for her because I was afraid she'd hate it or berate me or not eat it, and I thought "why do I want to bother when I'm not even going to be appreciated for it".
We moved out last year into different apartments and I thought it was going well, I'd try to get her to go to the gym the same time as me, but she complained saying I should be able to go on my own. Since the reason I was doing it for her, I didn't want to go on my own because I wanted her to go with me so I couldn't shirk out of going if I knew I was going to let her down. I didn't want to go on my own because I didn't want to go in the first place! I know it was good for me, but it was just another example of her pressuring me into doing things I didn't want to do. Eventually you start to feel this wall inside forming going "fuck you I'm not doing it, I don't want to" and the only reason I even kept going was because of I was afraid of how she might react.
Last couple months she started flirting with guys online, getting off on the attention she got from men, and emotionally cheated with one of them (who she met on /fit/ ), broke up with me the day after xmas after we met him (I didn't want to say she couldn't meet her "friend" because she'd just say "fuck you i'm seeing my friend anyways", but I saw what was going on). After that she constantly held this shit over my head. "Oh look how motivated he is (he's almost self destructively motivated), look how much weight he lost in a short time, etc" She at one point told me (not literally but essentially) that "you're not broken anymore so I'm not interested, he's broken so I feel like I have to fix him" Which was a problem the whole time in our almost 5 year relationship. She has daddy issues because her father was a sociopath and a stalker later when her parents divorced, and has no filter. After the breakup I had everyone who she had said was her friends message me on facebook going "Sorry to hear about your breakup but it's good you left because I can't stand that bitch either" which I found horribly ironic. She acts fine in public with me, and people like me, but then elsewhere when I'm not around she literally would not shut up bitching about me to anyone who'd listen to her. Every little thing, from leaving the seat up to whatever the fuck. Her "friends" got sick of her constant petty bitching and she'd get mad at them saying "no one ever wants to listen to MY problems they always talk about theirs!" HAH.
I'm glad I left. Do I still feel worthless? Yeah, moreso than when I was with her. She ruined what self esteem I had going into the relationship and made me feel insignificant going out even when she "tried to be friends". Do I hate her? A bit. I pity her more, because her previous ex talked to me about all the shit I had to put up with, and she literally has not changed. She is going to do the same shit to this guy and she isn't going to change unless she realizes her daddy issues are the crux of her problems and stops trying to change and control men. So tl;dr, fuck that bitch I'm better off without having to deal with her baggage.
edit: it doesn't help that the website we started using and I still use for logging your workout stuff fucking spotlighted the guy's success of going from fat to fit so I am constantly reminded of my failures.
Hypereides
Member
Ok, Im done.
I cant believe you dated someone from 4chan. Thats a red zone in itself.
But Im glad on your behalf that youre not with her anymore.
Hypereides
Member
Sad to say it but girls that age are truely life draining vampires. I made a post some pages back, about how 18~19 girls should be percieved. And regardless what they may think about themselves. things never change.
Those with attitude like the one you described are in need of a very dominant man. Besides you kept allowing her to behave like that, which later of course became a norm for her. if it were me I wouldve broken up with her as an ultimatum somewhere at the beginning your story. Usually women at least respect a man more when hes willing to walk away, than continue deluding himself and showing a submissive weakness to her.
Awesome man!
If I were to give you a mission, I'd want you to go out as a 70's pornstar (John Holmes), with a big fake slong (rubbery dildo) in your pants, with musical interest and act like nothing.
You're not a psychologist or anything, but the irony of this is that my ex actually preferred it when I was dominant in bed. I know, weird, right?
Not really. She wanted a submissive man. I mean yeah she wanted a man with passion for something and all that, but sexually she wants a submissive man. She wants to be the one in control. It makes her feel powerful because of how small she is. I think there was some feminist mental bullshit in there too. Idk
Maybe it makes me shallow but if there's no sex in the relationship or no physical attraction it's not much of a relationship. She can be the best person in the world, but that doesn't mean I'd want to sleep with them. I'll be friends, but not something with intimacy.
Hypereides
Member
Did she tell you this? Was it her turn on? Her fantasy? fetish? I wouldve lead her to believe she was in control, otherwise I know I'd lose my shit. After a sex session I always solicit girls about their sexual fantasies to get a real picture of what they're into. Maybe she never tried being dominated and stayed in her comfort zone where she kept the guys on a leash. But hell people are different, some guys out there love femdom. Do you?
PhoenixSFT
Member
Hahaha I am exactly the same way, it's like something just triggers and I stumble over everything I do.
Johnlenham
Member
What concert?
From experience head to the front row of the crowd.
At Glastonbury I would leave my friends as there were people only id want to see and I could go up the side and along the front and be front row, within 6ft of the Djs etc.
Also more often than not there are girls up there with the same goal and its pretty easy to say hi when you are in the situation.
Oh and its genrally more fun and you can feed of others energy, Actually the more I think about it I run off to the front row quite alot..
Hypereides
Member
Funny coincedence, Xun.
Im going to a concert myself tonight, just got invited today. Something on Christiania, rap/reggae underground concert. So, Im gonna dash. Looking forward to it, lets see what happens. Have a nice night bros!
Im going to a concert myself tonight, just got invited today. Something on Christiania, rap/reggae underground concert. So, Im gonna dash. Looking forward to it, lets see what happens. Have a nice night bros!
She didn't tell me she wanted to be in control sexually until like almost 3 years into the relationship.
She'd say she'd always want to cry after sex and didn't know why, though during sex she seemed pretty fine. Her therapist didn't even know why apparently?
I am slightly into it but she's into things I don't find hot. My problem is some things she wants to do in terms of femdom bore the fuck out of my dick. I'd be excited but Mr Johnson would be like "pay attention to me! No? Okay well fuck you" Other things she'd want to do wouldn't have this problem as long as i was having attention. I would get off on being degraded emotionally and teased and controlled, and shit like that but she'd want to do physical things most of the time which I find distracting. Like a girl screaming your name is hot, but she'd do it in such a whining annoying way I'd do shit to get her to stop.
She'd say she'd always want to cry after sex and didn't know why, though during sex she seemed pretty fine. Her therapist didn't even know why apparently?
I am slightly into it but she's into things I don't find hot. My problem is some things she wants to do in terms of femdom bore the fuck out of my dick. I'd be excited but Mr Johnson would be like "pay attention to me! No? Okay well fuck you" Other things she'd want to do wouldn't have this problem as long as i was having attention. I would get off on being degraded emotionally and teased and controlled, and shit like that but she'd want to do physical things most of the time which I find distracting. Like a girl screaming your name is hot, but she'd do it in such a whining annoying way I'd do shit to get her to stop.
Hahahaahahahha. I love it when you give advices like this. I always laugh my ass off. Brilliant.
I am not at all surprised. Nearly every girl like a dominant man in bed. Sometimes even if they would say otherwise.
That is the right attitude just there. You will do fine. Just relax and talk with people and enjoy the experience.
I know what you mean. If there is no sparkles, there will be no fire.
To lads I still need to say, that if a high quality girl is really into your personality, she will most likely grow to see you as a sexy beast no matter what you look like, especially if you feel like one you will manage to convince her that you also actually are one. So no need to throw your axe to the well, you might need it in the future.
BronzeWolf
Banned
SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. SHE DOES NOT WANT YOUR DICK ANYMORE. MOVE THE FUCK ON.
Sadetar is so nice to you all, she is like the lovely friend that takes care of you. I am not. I am like your asshole big brother that will hit you in the head until you learn your place.
MOVE THE FUCK ON.
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