Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy

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The ex just randomly texted me last night while I was asleep congratulating my sister and her fiance on their engagement. I just said thanks and said that they got a puppy as well, she said it was adorable and I haven't responded. I want her back, but she just wants to be friends so I'm keeping my distance. If she feels compelled to get back together, she's gonna have to tell me.

Is GAF ok with that?
 
Mully said:
I want her back, but she just wants to be friends so I'm keeping my distance. If she feels compelled to get back together, she's gonna have to tell me.

Is GAF ok with that?
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NO

"I am glad you are happy for my family, but here is their number if you want to contact them. I would appreciate you not contacting me anymore for a while"

She is not respecting that you need to move on
 
BronzeWolf said:
NO

"I am glad you are happy for my family, but here is their number if you want to contact them. I would appreciate you not contacting me anymore for a while"

She is not respecting that you need to move on
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That's a little mean if you ask me. Why can't I just say thanks like I did and just leave it at that?
 
BronzeWolf said:
NO

"I am glad you are happy for my family, but here is their number if you want to contact them. I would appreciate you not contacting me anymore for a while"

She is not respecting that you need to move on
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Agreed. Having her talk to you, even if it's just 'small talk' like this is only serving to hurt you.
 
Tess3ract said:
Maybe it makes me shallow but if there's no sex in the relationship or no physical attraction it's not much of a relationship. She can be the best person in the world, but that doesn't mean I'd want to sleep with them. I'll be friends, but not something with intimacy.
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You need both in a relationship, and you should never have to defend or apologize for that. Sex is just sex without the other parts, and the other parts are just friendship (with varying degrees of closeness) without sex.

Edit: It's only mean because you think it's mean, and your desire to have HER back is clouding your judgment. If she knows you want her back and she's communicating with you, she's pushing an agenda that isn't yours. No need to deal with that.
 
Mully said:
That's a little mean if you ask me. Why can't I just say thanks like I did and just leave it at that?
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"FUCK YOU, I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU FUCKING BITCH ANYMORE"
Is mean

"Thank you for your thoughts, but I think it's best for you to not contact me anymore"
Is not mean, it's honest and fair. It might seem a little cruel, but she will get over it.
 
Kalnos said:
Agreed. Having her talk to you, even if it's just 'small talk' like this is only serving to hurt you.
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It hasn't hurt me at all. I'm past all of that now. We spoke about a month ago about what we want, I said I still want her back, she said she just wants to be friends. I said I can't do that and that I would keep my distance.

This is the first time she's spoken to me since then and it probably won't be a while until we speak again.
 
BronzeWolf said:
NO

"I am glad you are happy for my family, but here is their number if you want to contact them. I would appreciate you not contacting me anymore for a while"

She is not respecting that you need to move on
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Yeah I have a female friend that I cannot for the life of me get through to her that not all guys you have been with, slept with and chucked away dont want to stay friends after (surprise surprise!).

She even got pissed off when he deleted her of FB (Im still friends with the guy)
Im like come the fuck on! If he liked you he does not want to hear about your new BF or any of that shit.
 
Tess3ract said:
They're your ex for a reason though.
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Right, but I'm not looking to start a huge conversation with them and I've stated that I don't want to be friends with them. It's not like we're talking every waking moment since the breakup. It's only been a handful of times and as time goes on there has been a longer and longer duration between the times we have spoken.
 
Mully said:
Right, but I'm not looking to start a huge conversation with them and I've stated that I don't want to be friends with them. It's not like we're talking every waking moment since the breakup. It's only been a handful of times and as time goes on there has been a longer and longer duration between the times we have spoken.
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The way I see it, she is not respecting your need to move on. She wants your friendship yet she will not compromise in leaving you alone for a while to let you heal. Doesn't seem fair to me
 
Mully said:
The ex just randomly texted me last night while I was asleep congratulating my sister and her fiance on their engagement. I just said thanks and said that they got a puppy as well, she said it was adorable and I haven't responded. I want her back, but she just wants to be friends so I'm keeping my distance. If she feels compelled to get back together, she's gonna have to tell me.

Is GAF ok with that?
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Seems fine to me, just don't go contacting her or wishing you two get back together. Lingering in the past makes it hard for you to have a future. If you want her back, you even contacting her is going to have a bad effect on you meeting someone else.

I am not saying that you should never talk to an ex, but they are better left in the past.
 
How do you overcome the weird knee-jerk reaction that when a girl looks at you, you look away? I can't be the only one who does that. I was at the store a couple days ago, just standing around, this girl turns around and looks at me. She had a sort of half-smile, I know I should have said something, but I just sorta freaked and looked away.

Not my finest moment.
 
BronzeWolf said:
The way I see it, she is not respecting your need to move on. She wants your friendship yet she will not compromise in leaving you alone for a while to let you heal. Doesn't seem fair to me
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I don't think it's not respecting me and more of just congratulating me and my sister. Just like how I told her that I wish all the best for her brother who was going to Afghanistan two months ago.

What is not respecting me is the constant Twitter posts and Facebook posts about missing me or forgetting things that you memorized that you thought you would need forever. In both cases, I try to ignore them, but when they show up on my feed it irks a little. It's like what do you want? And why are you posting them? I'm really thinking about telling her to knock it off.

At this point I suspect that everyone in this thread will say delete her, and I've thought about it, but I want her back. I'm slowly working on moving on, but still the thought is there. Not as powerful as it was a day ago or 5 months ago, but it's still there. Having said that, if she really wants to get back together she is going to be the one that has to clearly state that she wants to get back. I won't and haven't initiated any conversation since a month and a half ago, and I don't plan on going forward.
 
NotTheGuyYouKill said:
How do you overcome the weird knee-jerk reaction that when a girl looks at you, you look away? I can't be the only one who does that. I was at the store a couple days ago, just standing around, this girl turns around and looks at me. She had a sort of half-smile, I know I should have said something, but I just sorta freaked and looked away.

Not my finest moment.
Click to expand...

Intentionally make consistent eye contact with everyone you meet.
 
NotTheGuyYouKill said:
How do you overcome the weird knee-jerk reaction that when a girl looks at you, you look away? I can't be the only one who does that. I was at the store a couple days ago, just standing around, this girl turns around and looks at me. She had a sort of half-smile, I know I should have said something, but I just sorta freaked and looked away.

Not my finest moment.
Click to expand...

Look at everybody in the eye, not just pretty pussy

Mully said:
I want her back.
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And until you stop wanting her back, you need to stop contact with her
 
Mully said:
What is not respecting me is the constant Twitter posts and Facebook posts about missing me or forgetting things that you memorized that you thought you would need forever. In both cases, I try to ignore them, but when they show up on my feed it irks a little. It's like what do you want? And why are you posting them? I'm really thinking about telling her to knock it off.
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Gotta respect how you want to handle it, but if she's posting shit like that KNOWING that you want her back, she has zero respect for your feelings or what you're going through, IMO.
 
You're saying two things. You want her back but you also say you aren't going to try to get back together. You should be apart indefinitely not hope she falls into your lap later on.
 
Mully said:
I love how you focus on one part of my posts and take out the part where I said I won't initiate going forward.
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I don't care who contacts who. Contact is still contact. And congratulations on making me angry. I don't have to give you advice and you better appreciate it. I know you will someday
 
EviLore said:
Intentionally make consistent eye contact with everyone you meet.
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This. I do it all the time, with everyone, not just with girls or boys I find attractive. Also if you do it constantly, it is easy to do also to those extremely sexy persons that make you all hot and bothered.
 
BronzeWolf said:
I don't care who contacts who. Contact is still contact. And congratulations on making me angry. I don't have to give you advice and you better appreciate it. I know you will someday
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mystery-man.jpg
 
BronzeWolf said:
Sadetar is so nice to you all, she is like the lovely friend that takes care of you. I am not. I am like your asshole big brother that will hit you in the head until you learn your place.
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Yeah. You are the bad cop and I am the good cop. Together we should make people evolve and get some pussy and awesome relationships.

BronzeWolf said:
That poster made me mad. Will you cheer me up now?
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Poor babe. Even if it seems he isn't listening you, he will eventually understand the value of your posts and you can pat yourself about it later on.
 
RawPower said:
Wouldn't that be creepy?
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No. Like said before, I do it all the time. I mean in bus, in a line in the grocery store, when I walk down the street... and when I do so, I smile. And when I look at people smiling, they look at me and smile back.

It is not at all creepy. It is polite.
 
NotTheGuyYouKill said:
I do if I'm speaking to them or if they speak to me. Then no problem. It's the wordless random moments that mess me up.
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Lots of people think of silence as inherently awkward. Some retarded people actually yell out "AWKWARD SILENCE LOL" at any break in conversation. They need a slapping.

Looking at someone and someone looking back at you is just another form of communication, and a very important one at that, one you need to be assertive with.
 
NotTheGuyYouKill said:
I do if I'm speaking to them or if they speak to me. Then no problem. It's the wordless random moments that mess me up.
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This one is something I have some experience with. Instead of looking away, just smile. Not the "knowing glance wink wink" BS...just train yourself to smile. I had to do that just shy of 10 years ago in a class, but had I not smiled, then we wouldn't have talked, and by virtue of that, never got married.

Edit: Beaten SO HARD.
 
NotTheGuyYouKill said:
How do you overcome the weird knee-jerk reaction that when a girl looks at you, you look away? I can't be the only one who does that. I was at the store a couple days ago, just standing around, this girl turns around and looks at me. She had a sort of half-smile, I know I should have said something, but I just sorta freaked and looked away.

Not my finest moment.
Click to expand...

I feel insecure about this too. If I notice a girl trying to make eye contact with me on the train or checking me out, I feel extremely insecure and vulnerable. They can't help it, I'm a good looking guy. It's funny though because I make eye contact with most people I pass by on the streets and in school, unless they're extremely attractive women.
 
Aurora said:
You don't want to stare, you want to look at people confidently and smiling.
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Thank you, this is exactly what I have been saying.

RawPower said:
That explains everything, doesn't it? XD
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Hahah. It does. Sadly enough I don't even get paid, I am just naturally adorable, friendly and also oh so modest.

Use it for your advantage as long as you can is my advice. ^__^ I seriously think about your best interest in here.

Jipan said:
I feel insecure about this too. If I notice a girl trying to make eye contact with me on the train or checking me out, I feel extremely insecure and vulnerable. They can't help it, I'm a good looking guy. It's funny though because I make eye contact with most people I pass by on the streets and in school, unless they're extremely attractive women.
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Well, you just need to remember that she is checking you out cause she thinks you are extremely good looking lad. Just smile back. You don't need to do anything else.
 
On eye contact:

This was a game I played with myself when I was forcing myself to build confidence. When you see someone, look them in the eye. Do this until they make eye contact. Then keep holding it. Hold it steady.

Sometimes girls will catch your eye. Sometimes they'll run away with their eyes. Sometimes they'll come back for more. Sometimes they'll hold it the entire time, unflinchingly. Some will smile and say hello!

When you can do this, right up until someone passes you, you're a bad ass. It's tough. Your natural inclination will be to look away. We're always taught that staring is rude. But staring is bold. It's not like you're staring at their rack, mouth open. Don't smile or say hello unless you feel like it. I usually didn't do anything unless they did.

It's a pretty electrifying feeling. Knowing that you're probably giving them that same feeling is neat. Do it with any woman you see, just for shits. Don't do it at night, you don't want to scare them. (Use common sense.)

Try it out. It's a fun game you can play anywhere. You'll be surprised by how difficult it is when you first start out. But you'll get better the more you play.
 
When you go out at night

-don't be outcome dependent ("are there gonna be girls there?"). it shouldn't matter because you're there to have a good time, girls are secondary and optional. there's nothing more attractive than having fun.

-don't scout. don't look around the room checking out all the girls. walk into a bar, find the nearest empty chair, put your coat on it and order your drinks. girls check out guys too and they find scouting lame and sometimes creepy.

-if you make eye contact with a girl maintain it, never be the first to break. alternate between focusing on each eye to make yourself more comfortable. if she looks away quickly and never looks back she's probably not interested. if she looks away then keeps glancing back she might be interested but shy. if she looks down she might be interested (down could be a sign of submission). if she locks with you she's probably interested.

-don't job interview ("where are you from", "what do you do", etc). you can ask those questions just not up front, ask them spread out over time after you feel mutual interest. ask opinion questions up front after introducing yourself it makes for easier and better conversation.

-don't give total body language to a girl right away. as in just move your head towards her to say hi, face your body towards her only after she turns her body towards you first.

-don't give her physical compliments ("you're very pretty") instead compliment her clothes or style.

-wear your clothes, don't let them wear you.


I am by no means an expert on girls or even close, actually I'm a total noob. But I have been doing these things lately and have notices far more attraction and better results. These tips will help you.
 
soultron said:
On eye contact:

This was a game I played with myself when I was forcing myself to build confidence. When you see someone, look them in the eye. Do this until they make eye contact. Then keep holding it. Hold it steady.

Sometimes girls will catch your eye. Sometimes they'll run away with their eyes. Sometimes they'll come back for more. Sometimes they'll hold it the entire time, unflinchingly. Some will smile and say hello!

When you can do this, right up until someone passes you, you're a bad ass. It's tough. Your natural inclination will be to look away. We're always taught that staring is rude. But staring is bold. It's not like you're staring at their rack, mouth open. Don't smile or say hello unless you feel like it. I usually didn't do anything unless they did.

It's a pretty electrifying feeling. Knowing that you're probably giving them that same feeling is neat. Do it with any woman you see, just for shits. Don't do it at night, you don't want to scare them. (Use common sense.)

Try it out. It's a fun game you can play anywhere. You'll be surprised by how difficult it is when you first start out. But you'll get better the more you play.
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Awwwww. Awesome to read I am not the only one doing this. Ah. This made my day. ^__^ You got it totally nailed in here. Everyone should try.

NotTheGuyYouKill said:
I got a weird smile, dude. I might creep them out.
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Kitty, you might think you got a weird smile. I am sure you don't. It is most likely absolutely adorable and endearing. You just need to use it more and get yourself to get used to it.
 
Joe said:
When you go out at night

-don't be outcome dependent ("are there gonna be girls there?"). it shouldn't matter because you're there to have a good time, girls are secondary and optional. there's nothing more attractive than having fun.

-don't scout. don't look around the room checking out all the girls. walk into a bar, find the nearest empty chair, put your coat on it and order your drinks. girls check out guys too and they find scouting lame and sometimes creepy.

-if you make eye contact with a girl maintain it, never be the first to break. alternate between focusing on each eye to make yourself more comfortable. if she looks away quickly and never looks back she's probably not interested. if she looks away then keeps glancing back she might be interested but shy. if she looks down she might be interested (down could be a sign of submission). if she locks with you she's probably interested.

-don't job interview ("where are you from", "what do you do", etc). you can ask those questions just not up front, ask them spread out over time after you feel mutual interest. ask opinion questions up front after introducing yourself it makes for easier and better conversation.

-wear your clothes, don't let them wear you.


I am by no means an expert on girls or even close, actually I'm a total noob. But I have been doing these things lately and have notices far more attraction and better results. These tips will help you.
Click to expand...
This is all great advice, especially the first point. It means less frustration in the end when you don't hinge your enjoyment of a night out on the number of digits you get.
 
soultron said:
On eye contact:

This was a game I played with myself when I was forcing myself to build confidence. When you see someone, look them in the eye. Do this until they make eye contact. Then keep holding it. Hold it steady.

Sometimes girls will catch your eye. Sometimes they'll run away with their eyes. Sometimes they'll come back for more. Sometimes they'll hold it the entire time, unflinchingly. Some will smile and say hello!

When you can do this, right up until someone passes you, you're a bad ass. It's tough. Your natural inclination will be to look away. We're always taught that staring is rude. But staring is bold. It's not like you're staring at their rack, mouth open. Don't smile or say hello unless you feel like it. I usually didn't do anything unless they did.

It's a pretty electrifying feeling. Knowing that you're probably giving them that same feeling is neat. Do it with any woman you see, just for shits. Don't do it at night, you don't want to scare them. (Use common sense.)

Try it out. It's a fun game you can play anywhere. You'll be surprised by how difficult it is when you first start out. But you'll get better the more you play.
Click to expand...

Usually when I do this, they just keep their heads down. Actually, they do this even when I don't look at them.
 
I am much better with eye contact thanks to practice. It's a matter of what to do after eye contact is established. A few weeks ago I was on the dc metro going to a show with a friend of mine and while I was boarding, I noticed a girl was looking at me while bordering in the corner of my eyes. While we were riding the train, I kept getting glances from her and I returned them and held them for a few seconds. It's at that point I should have walked over and said hi, correct?

Better eye contact comes with practice like all things is what I am trying to say.
 
Sadetar said:
Calm down darling. This situation isn't worth your angryness. We all know you are awesome. You don't need to prove it in every post you make.
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I am no trying to prove anything. If I come out as awesome, it's just a byproduct dear...

I am happy cause I am eating some steak now
 
EviLore said:
Lots of people think of silence as inherently awkward. Some retarded people actually yell out "AWKWARD SILENCE LOL" at any break in conversation. They need a slapping.

Looking at someone and someone looking back at you is just another form of communication, and a very important one at that, one you need to be assertive with.
Click to expand...
I don't know what is wrong with people these days. If needed, I can also do that slapping... but don't worry, I promise to be gentle and look where I slap.

Like you said, those silent moments can mean way more than the thousand word before it. The smiles and the looks carry words of them own. No need to try to fill that moment with anything else.

BronzeWolf said:
I am happy cause I am eating some steak now
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Hahah, attaboy. That is all we want to hear.
 
Sadetar said:
Hahah. It does. Sadly enough I don't even get paid, I am just naturally adorable, friendly and also oh so modest.

Use it for your advantage as long as you can is my advice. ^__^ I seriously think about your best interest in here.
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Oh, I never doubted that. I can tell from here that you're a nice person.

I just don't know how to strike a middle ground between being myself and being attractive. At least not yet.

As far as staring goes, usually when I try that, the women just turn their heads down.
 
I too have been working on my eye contact and just last week I noticed benefits of it. A girl and I made eye contact and locked. It lasted a good 5+ seconds. Usually after 1 maybe 2 seconds I would look away, but I locked this time. After a few seconds I smirked and then right after she starts eye fucking the shit out of me! Turns out she was recently dumped, cute as hell, drunk and horny. Unfortunately me and my buddies had to leave but it was no biggie since I wasn't outcome dependent.

But this was a big oppurtunity all because of maintaining eye contact.
 
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