Why do you even want to date?
Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
- Start date
- Status
Why do you even want to date?
Because being alone sucks.
Haha, the arrogance to actually write what you are and aren't looking for on a dating site profile?
ConradCervantes
Banned
Looks like I can finally call this chick my girlfriend! Three days after opening a profile, a week after first messaging her, and a month of dates. Every day this girl blows my mind with something new. She is actually funny, supremely confident in her talents, very family-oriented, and most of all is smarter than I am, which has always been an enormous turn-on.
Congrats dude.
I thought everybody did!
I think you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else though. =P
I'm actually feeling a little better than I was earlier during that series of posts. I was just extremely frustrated.
At the end of the day though, being alone does suck horribly.
Darkmakaimura
Can You Imagine What SureAI Is Going To Do With Garfield?
Well, I'm pretty tired right now but will definitely have to think about all this. I can say for now I am the opposite of all three mentioned. I am rather on the negative side and think very poorly of myself. I lack confidence. I am a very "nice" guy. In fact, I have a lot of female friends (many of them quite attractive) and have always been stuck in the dreaded Friend Zone. Anytime I've tried to get out of the Friend Zone, I've been rejected. Again, may go into detail in the next day or two but that's definitely it in a very small nutshell.
Why?
I don't exactly know how to explain it, I just feel extremely lonely.
You're not a ninja turtle. Ask her on a real date.
ConradCervantes
Banned
You are still pretty fresh from a years-long relationship that imploded before your very eyes. I've always been of the belief that getting back on the horse so soon after a breakup was a bad move. Most people bring baggage into the equation, and those who aren't successful at finding anybody loathe themselves even more. Just chill for a while and live for yourself. No one will think any less of you for doing that.
butimnotarapper
Neo Member
Do you have guy friends?
At the end of the day, I was happier during the relationship. Sure, I can't instantly get another relationship, but I can start that direction now.
Yeah.
butimnotarapper
Neo Member
Sounds like you're too dependent on girls for happiness. You HAVE friends so why would you feel lonely? I'm willing to bet most of the people on this board are single lol
Napoleonthechimp
Member
I'm well aware that I have to put in effort but it seems above and beyond what most people have to do. There are some elements of myself that cannot be physically changed (such as my giant cuboid head) so I have to compensate by being of massive value in other areas <-- doing so requires so much effort that it makes dating an unsatisfactory "reward". The day I can escape my current financial predicament and be free is the day I will smile and laugh.[KoRp]Jazzman;35628652 said:
Hence the psychedelic drugs. It is essentially a brute force version of therapy that will end up shattering my personality. If I did classical therapy then I would be in my 40s before I came out of it and the fun parts of being young would be over.
Also: I hear porn addiction causes anxiety, low motivation, depression and a decreased sexual drive (for actual women). I used to be obese and masturbation was my only option so I think it has become the norm for me, if I try and solve that then it would be interesting to see if elicits any beneficial response.
SpectreFire
Member
Because having a girlfriend is different than having friend friends?
You people need to come off it, there is nothing wrong with feeling like you want to be in a relationship. Everyone who wants one aren't all needy sad sacks you know? People can be completely comfortable with themselves, and still want to be in a relationship, stop making it seem as if there's anything wrong with it.
It's like bitching people out for wanting more money when they've already got a comfortable salary. There's nothing wrong with wanting more in life.
So much here, where to start?
1. You're a fucking idiot. You would use drugs to shatter your mind so that you could fix yourself? For who? For what?
2. You live off of a number of scripts. "I need to be better, people's attention shows that." "I need to look better, people's reactions shows that." "I need women in my life to show that I'm worthy of love." Fortunately for you, it means none of them are true.
3.
You're a fucking idiot. The fun parts of your life? What even make you think this is a good idea?
4. Thinking you need porn because you were fat. Guess what being fat means? It means you're a large human being who eats too much and may have some health issues. That's fucking it. You're not inhuman and not some evil fucked up monster. The real monster lurks within the mind, telling you these things.
You guys need to get this through your heads.
VALIDATION DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE
Attention (and sex) feels nice. Being popular feels nice. But that's it. None of this determines your value as a human being. Not being able to get your dick wet doesn't mean you're an awful person. The last few pages have had people looking for relationships as quickie patches to fix the holes in their lives. Welp, that's fine until the patch blows off, and you're at square one again. The real question lies in where your pain is coming from.
VALIDATION DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE
Attention (and sex) feels nice. Being popular feels nice. But that's it. None of this determines your value as a human being. Not being able to get your dick wet doesn't mean you're an awful person. The last few pages have had people looking for relationships as quickie patches to fix the holes in their lives. Welp, that's fine until the patch blows off, and you're at square one again. The real question lies in where your pain is coming from.
butimnotarapper
Neo Member
Wanting something is different than needing something...you don't NEED a girlfriend to be happy. It doesn't sound like he's completely comfortable with himself if he's depressed about something that really isn't that bad.
Boozeroony
Member
This is spot on. I'd get a tad more vague and say that validation does not equal value.
So many conflicting messages showed it to a lady friend and she said the girl wants persistence and of course my friend could be trying to be nice. I'm probably reading too much into it, in short she said she doesn't think we can hang out the way I want. Maybe I'm holding on too much to the word think and yes this is officially oneitis and I need a straight up no, no excuses as I had another chick show interest say the same thing only to find out she wanted to gauge how far I would go. This actually fucked with my head
for awhile thinking of the what if scenario
"We can't hang out the way you want."
Translation
"We can't hang out the way you want."
Oblivious Female Friend Translation
"YOU NEED TO TRY HARDER!"
Yeah I would prefer if she just told me to fuck off, I'm not interested at all, no never not in a million years, something to drive the message home so I can close this oneitis. I'm not experienced with translating this stuff. I've figured if I persist it is either going to get me a result or complete closure which I prefer over the current situation.
scar tissue
Banned
Your "You should message me if..." sounds fine. Hers is reeks of being an entitled little princess.
Good-looking women can be choosy AND can be rude about it too, and still get lots of messages.
Men can't.
News at 11.
Napoleonthechimp
Member
I became reliant on porn because it was the only option which resulted in my dopamine levels in the brain becoming completely messed up. It is a bio-chemical mechanism that results in your desire for an orgasm with a woman, but if you don't have that connection with a partner then you have the rush of dopamine and then the crash. Over time you become desensitised to it and you need more extreme levels of porn to reach that dopamine high. Anxiety, depression, irritability and lack of motivation (what good is dating when you don't want to do it) can all be signs of low levels of dopamine.
You know what else uses dopamine to create an addiction? Heroin.
As for psychedelics: The psilocybin in magic mushrooms (at the right dose) has been proven to be able to improve psychological health and instill lasting personality changes (source: http://healthland.time.com/2011/06/16/magic-mushrooms-can-improve-psychological-health-long-term/). Extensive studies have shown that the DMT within Ayahuasca triggers the memory centres of the brain as well as the visual cortex, so you literally see the traumatic memories that have haunted you for your entire life, it becomes entirely up to the individual if they want to let them go or not. What does therapy do if not to try and achieve the exact same thing?
I've done my research and I am taking action. I would appreciate it if you did not treat me like a god damned idiot.
scar tissue
Banned
Cannot be stressed enough. You need to be a whole person by yourself in order to be happy.
I see lots of guys & girls hanging in crappy relationships because they're afraid to be alone.
That kind of stuff is pathetic.
No relationship is better than a shitty one. Seriously guys.
Dare to be alone. And that's coming from someone who is forever alone himself.
For me, right now it's all about building good platonic relationships to people, including women, since I never had stuff like that in my teenage years. I do think losing your virginity is something that's important, because you finally got that monkey off your back and I am indeed on the lookout to finally lose the v-card to bolster my ego. But relationships are very overrated. At least when you're young.
If a girl I actually want to be with long-time comes along, excellent. If not, I still have time.
You're complaining about being in college?
Be glad man.
Yeah, there's a lot of positive evidence about it all.
I think research in it is starting to get somewhere thankfully.
Yeah so we talked for a bit and she is adamant she can't meet up with another guy when she is going out with another. Especially with me because she knows my intentions. To be fair that is the kind of girl I would like and yeah I know I should move on. This was the first time I overcame my approach anxiety on my own and getting shot down just makes me feel like I took a step forward and she just took me down two. Part of this is due to me developing oneitis almost immediately after meeting a girl that I
really like. I know I need to stay positive but I'm finding it hard to think of anything good
at the moment. Also feel like all the girls I'm interested in are taken and I shouldn't even bother. Ignore the bottom at the moment can't fucking scroll there on my phone.
at the moment.
really like. I know I need to stay positive but I'm finding it hard to think of anything good
at the moment. Also feel like all the girls I'm interested in are taken and I shouldn't even bother. Ignore the bottom at the moment can't fucking scroll there on my phone.
at the moment.
Move on
Musha_Soturi
Member
Quick question: Has anyone developed a crush on a fellow Gaffer, and, supposing you lived in the same country, would you act on it?
Boozeroony
Member
That would be awkward.
Nope, and I probably wouldn't if I did. Chances are they would be quite far away, even in the same country.
IamMattFox
Member
Pretty sure a guy and gal Gaffer pair met on here and got married. And they may have even lived in different countries. I think I remember a thread about it, but maybe it was a fever dream.
Aren't they both banned for other reasons though?
Baconsaurus Rex
Member
This is about Fernando Rocker right?
I assumed it was, unless there's some other married GAF couple that I don't know of.
IamMattFox
Member
No, what I'm talking about is from years ago. They actually met on Gaf and chatted online before meeting.
I think that creepy Fernando guy had his lady pal sign up for Gaf after the fact.
I think that creepy Fernando guy had his lady pal sign up for Gaf after the fact.
I don't remember that story then. I completely forgot that Fernando Rocker's wife signed up after.
I must say my movie date last night was eye opening to say the least.
I get to her place on time at 5pm, and the intercom is broken. I give her a call and she answers, I tell her I’m out front and she replies that she’ll be right down. She opens the front gate and she’s wearing a little pink skirt and a blue sweater. Her hair’s been done and she’s wearing light make up. I give her a hug and say she looks really nice, she smiles says thank you and shows me inside. We don’t use the elevator and just walk up to the third floor to her place. It’s an old Victorian building that I think used to either be a hotel or restaurant that’s been renovated as apartments. She shows me inside and her roommate is there. She too is dressed up and says she’s heading out to meet up with a few friends. We have some small talk and her roommate soon takes her leave. It’s a one bedroom apartment and it seems she sleeps on a couch that folds out into a bed in the living room. We have some small talk while I set up the movie, I brought over Howl’s moving Castle, Princess Mononoke and Blade runner. She says she’s never seen Howl’s so I put it on. The movie starts and we’re on the couch. Some time passes and we get a little closer to where our shoulders are touching. I start thinking I better make a move soon.
The movie starts to get a little romantic and we cuddle up my arms around her by now. She pauses and looks at me, I’m thinking now’s my chance. I kiss her on the cheek just to test the waters and with no immediate reaction I go in for another and she stops me by putting her hand over my mouth! She starts to shake and stutter, she pulls away mumbles something like, “ I… I, I don’t, I can’t…” but the only thing I make out is “I’M A LESBIAN!”.
I just sit there stunned with a giant knot in my stomach. At first just thinking WHAT THE FUCK?! She starts apologizing; saying that she knew I liked her and that she hoped it wouldn’t come to this. She’s trembling and on the verge of tears. I’m seriously fighting the urge to just rage and walk out but I want some closure I want to know why rope me in like this, why play this game?! So I take a second and reply, “ I’m glad you’ve finally gotten the nerve to be honest with me but why now?” At this point she’s not even looking at me which tells me whatever comes out of her mouth next is probably going to be more lies. She says that she’s been with guys before and a few girls and that she doesn’t usually tell people upfront about it but she prefers being with women. I ask her how many people know that she’s a lesbian she says a few close friends and her mom.
I’m thinking this is all just bull shit and she’s got some serious relationship issues and this is all just a lie to get me to back off, which is working by the way. I don’t want to be with someone who plays games like this. She says again that she’s really sorry and she feels bad for leading me on and then just friend zoning me. I add that this is a little harsher than being upfront and telling me you’re not interested. We come to a pause and at this point I’m thinking of doing either of two things. Do I just get up leave and never speak or see this person again or do I let curiosity get the better of me and see if I can find out why she would lead me on for more than a month and then shut me off on our second date. I ask if she’s hungry she says yes and I look up some nearby pizza places on my phone. She goes to the bathroom to straighten herself up. I order the pizza, just a small and some dr. pepper.
She comes back with her hair down and her sweater off and I’m reminded of how fucking hot she is which is a total bummer at this point. She’s 5’7, slender, small bust, almond shaped green eyes, light brown hair with the ends dyed blue. If she wasn’t a psycho I’d be all over that right now! I ask what her family thinks of her being a lesbian. She says that her step mom and dad don’t know as well as her real father. Her mom knows and so do her two brothers. So I get the low down on her family life. Her parents split up when she was 2 years old and moved back to their own states after the split. Her mother and step father now live in Michigan and her real father and his new wife live in West Virginia. She says that she would go to school in Michigan and then would spend the summers away from friends with her father in West Virginia.
She added that she hates both her step parents and that she thinks her step father is a loser and a bum who works at pizza hut as a manager for the past 15 years and that her step mother is a psycho bitch who only is with her dad for his money. I ask when she first knew she was a lesbian, she said in high school she was never attracted to guys and thinks that most men are losers who only ever just want sex and that the few girls she’s been with really made her feel loved and cared for but being highschool were too immature to be in a long term relationship. She then goes on a rant about how relationships are an over exaggerated aspect of society and that marriage and long term relationships are meaningless.
My phone starts ringing and it’s the pizza guy. We both go down stairs get the pizza and come back up. By this time I’m feeling a little better and just let her do all the talking. She talks about her religious views and why she’s a Taoist and what high school was like and how she’s doing in college and why she felt it was needed to get as far away from her family as possible. How her older brother might be gay as well and that he’s now in the air force while her younger brother lives with her dad and is still in high school. Oh, I forgot to mention. I’m 23 and she’s 21. So the immaturity in all this is somewhat expected. She starts telling me that she thinks I’m a really good guy for listening and understanding and that she thinks I’m handsome and is attracted to me and wishes she didn’t feel the way she does about guys. All the while I’m thinking you’re lying, you’re a bitch, who’s young, confused and has been hurt in the past, and this is all just a cover up as a last line of defense to not be with someone because you’re afraid of getting hurt just like your parents have been.
So I finish my food and pack up. I play it off like it’s no big deal and I say (I’m lying my ass off right now) that I think that you’re really fun and I’m glad you were honest with me and I’m sorry things turned out the way they did and I wish things worked out differently. She walks me out thanks me again and gives me a hug good bye and that’s it. I take a cab home.
Overall I’m glad things happened the way they did. I’ve gained a huge amount of confident in myself over the past month. I’ve proven to myself I can date someone who I think is absolutely gorgeous and pull it off being Alpha and not a timid ‘nice guy’. I think I seriously dodged a bullet in this. I was thinking how horrible it would have been if we really did get together and years down the road she leaves me saying that she’s really a lesbian and wasn’t really into me to begin with.
Thanks gaf!
I get to her place on time at 5pm, and the intercom is broken. I give her a call and she answers, I tell her I’m out front and she replies that she’ll be right down. She opens the front gate and she’s wearing a little pink skirt and a blue sweater. Her hair’s been done and she’s wearing light make up. I give her a hug and say she looks really nice, she smiles says thank you and shows me inside. We don’t use the elevator and just walk up to the third floor to her place. It’s an old Victorian building that I think used to either be a hotel or restaurant that’s been renovated as apartments. She shows me inside and her roommate is there. She too is dressed up and says she’s heading out to meet up with a few friends. We have some small talk and her roommate soon takes her leave. It’s a one bedroom apartment and it seems she sleeps on a couch that folds out into a bed in the living room. We have some small talk while I set up the movie, I brought over Howl’s moving Castle, Princess Mononoke and Blade runner. She says she’s never seen Howl’s so I put it on. The movie starts and we’re on the couch. Some time passes and we get a little closer to where our shoulders are touching. I start thinking I better make a move soon.
The movie starts to get a little romantic and we cuddle up my arms around her by now. She pauses and looks at me, I’m thinking now’s my chance. I kiss her on the cheek just to test the waters and with no immediate reaction I go in for another and she stops me by putting her hand over my mouth! She starts to shake and stutter, she pulls away mumbles something like, “ I… I, I don’t, I can’t…” but the only thing I make out is “I’M A LESBIAN!”.
I just sit there stunned with a giant knot in my stomach. At first just thinking WHAT THE FUCK?! She starts apologizing; saying that she knew I liked her and that she hoped it wouldn’t come to this. She’s trembling and on the verge of tears. I’m seriously fighting the urge to just rage and walk out but I want some closure I want to know why rope me in like this, why play this game?! So I take a second and reply, “ I’m glad you’ve finally gotten the nerve to be honest with me but why now?” At this point she’s not even looking at me which tells me whatever comes out of her mouth next is probably going to be more lies. She says that she’s been with guys before and a few girls and that she doesn’t usually tell people upfront about it but she prefers being with women. I ask her how many people know that she’s a lesbian she says a few close friends and her mom.
I’m thinking this is all just bull shit and she’s got some serious relationship issues and this is all just a lie to get me to back off, which is working by the way. I don’t want to be with someone who plays games like this. She says again that she’s really sorry and she feels bad for leading me on and then just friend zoning me. I add that this is a little harsher than being upfront and telling me you’re not interested. We come to a pause and at this point I’m thinking of doing either of two things. Do I just get up leave and never speak or see this person again or do I let curiosity get the better of me and see if I can find out why she would lead me on for more than a month and then shut me off on our second date. I ask if she’s hungry she says yes and I look up some nearby pizza places on my phone. She goes to the bathroom to straighten herself up. I order the pizza, just a small and some dr. pepper.
She comes back with her hair down and her sweater off and I’m reminded of how fucking hot she is which is a total bummer at this point. She’s 5’7, slender, small bust, almond shaped green eyes, light brown hair with the ends dyed blue. If she wasn’t a psycho I’d be all over that right now! I ask what her family thinks of her being a lesbian. She says that her step mom and dad don’t know as well as her real father. Her mom knows and so do her two brothers. So I get the low down on her family life. Her parents split up when she was 2 years old and moved back to their own states after the split. Her mother and step father now live in Michigan and her real father and his new wife live in West Virginia. She says that she would go to school in Michigan and then would spend the summers away from friends with her father in West Virginia.
She added that she hates both her step parents and that she thinks her step father is a loser and a bum who works at pizza hut as a manager for the past 15 years and that her step mother is a psycho bitch who only is with her dad for his money. I ask when she first knew she was a lesbian, she said in high school she was never attracted to guys and thinks that most men are losers who only ever just want sex and that the few girls she’s been with really made her feel loved and cared for but being highschool were too immature to be in a long term relationship. She then goes on a rant about how relationships are an over exaggerated aspect of society and that marriage and long term relationships are meaningless.
My phone starts ringing and it’s the pizza guy. We both go down stairs get the pizza and come back up. By this time I’m feeling a little better and just let her do all the talking. She talks about her religious views and why she’s a Taoist and what high school was like and how she’s doing in college and why she felt it was needed to get as far away from her family as possible. How her older brother might be gay as well and that he’s now in the air force while her younger brother lives with her dad and is still in high school. Oh, I forgot to mention. I’m 23 and she’s 21. So the immaturity in all this is somewhat expected. She starts telling me that she thinks I’m a really good guy for listening and understanding and that she thinks I’m handsome and is attracted to me and wishes she didn’t feel the way she does about guys. All the while I’m thinking you’re lying, you’re a bitch, who’s young, confused and has been hurt in the past, and this is all just a cover up as a last line of defense to not be with someone because you’re afraid of getting hurt just like your parents have been.
So I finish my food and pack up. I play it off like it’s no big deal and I say (I’m lying my ass off right now) that I think that you’re really fun and I’m glad you were honest with me and I’m sorry things turned out the way they did and I wish things worked out differently. She walks me out thanks me again and gives me a hug good bye and that’s it. I take a cab home.
Overall I’m glad things happened the way they did. I’ve gained a huge amount of confident in myself over the past month. I’ve proven to myself I can date someone who I think is absolutely gorgeous and pull it off being Alpha and not a timid ‘nice guy’. I think I seriously dodged a bullet in this. I was thinking how horrible it would have been if we really did get together and years down the road she leaves me saying that she’s really a lesbian and wasn’t really into me to begin with.
Thanks gaf!
Etrian Oddity
Member
Well I'm happy you took the positive with you! Don't feel bad bro, and keep confident just like you said you feel.
Anyways...seeing a movie with the same girl next week. God it's going slowly, but it is progressing. Not sure why she's so darned timid or shy, but she is getting physically comfortable to me and realized she won't turn into a pillar of salt by touching me. Also we're texting a lot more.
And for all the haters/friend-zone harbingers, this girl knew from the very start that I'm interested in her, and I've reinforced it with humor several times. Hopefully this will turn into a success story that slow and steady can win the race, even though this is looking like middle school shit. XD
It sounds a lot like she was lying through her teeth because she's afraid of being hurt. I'm pretty sure my current GF is doing that, a little but I don't have any proof. Then again, I don't really believe the whole "My parents are crazy protective semi jews who think I've never had a boyfriend and would want to meet you and my dad would prolly kill you" bullshit she feeds me.
Also in the future don't link facebook images unless you rename them, since they're easy to find out who they belong to....Just a protip.
Also in the future don't link facebook images unless you rename them, since they're easy to find out who they belong to....Just a protip.
Like the fact you said she was 21 but she's actually not even 19
Thanks for the support and the protip.
Oh snap, you're right! I even got her drinks the other week too. :|
Biff
Member
I'm glad you took positives of out the experience. She is straight-up nuts, and I think your theory about her afraid of getting hurt again is dead on. You did all the right things... When you find a sane girl, you will know exactly what to do now.
I've been chatting to this girl casually and we've hooked up 3 times, but she doesn't want a relationship cause she's moving to europe in 2 months, so its supposed to be strictly sex. It sucks cause I like her and get jealous thinking how she may be with other guys.
Then two nights ago I go out with my sister, and get this cute girls facebook. Last night I got the number of the hot bartender(not fake) and ended up making out with/fooling around a bit with sister's roomate.
The fact that I know there are options makes me feel better about the situation with europe girl, lessens any feelings of jealousy, and generally makes me feel better about myself. But then I feel deceitful if I pursue anything with more than one of them at once. I'm trying to set up dates with the two girls right now, and the roomate wants me to come over this weekend, and while it makes me feel better about the europe girl situation, overall it feels like a dirty way to live life, I guess.
This is just what I was thinking on a more philosophical level, I guess. Thoughts, anyone?g
Then two nights ago I go out with my sister, and get this cute girls facebook. Last night I got the number of the hot bartender(not fake) and ended up making out with/fooling around a bit with sister's roomate.
The fact that I know there are options makes me feel better about the situation with europe girl, lessens any feelings of jealousy, and generally makes me feel better about myself. But then I feel deceitful if I pursue anything with more than one of them at once. I'm trying to set up dates with the two girls right now, and the roomate wants me to come over this weekend, and while it makes me feel better about the europe girl situation, overall it feels like a dirty way to live life, I guess.
This is just what I was thinking on a more philosophical level, I guess. Thoughts, anyone?g
Boozeroony
Member
Never underestimate Detective-GAF.
- Status