Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy

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Take this as an inspirational tale I suppose, the regulars in here know how depressed and frustrated I had been before.

The girl I had been seeing lately texted me and basically asked if she could come make out with me. Not even fucking joking (it turned out her friend sent that text for her, but it was one of those "You're too nervous to just do it so I'm going to do it for you." situations). She came over, we made out/messed around for 2.5 hours.

The moral of the story: Don't give up, you'll find someone, whether you are looking for a meaningful relationship or just to get laid. I actually really like this girl, and this is obviously definitely going somewhere. I have been fucking ecstatic today.
 
Ok here is a summary of my current situ:

  • Met a girl online about 6 weeks ago
  • Chatted to her for about a week and a booty call transpired
  • Didn't expect anything more as she finishes work every night at 1am (working at a newspaper)
  • However started seeing her around 3 nights a week
  • Realised after a month that she was actually pretty cool and that I liked her
  • However her work situ wasn't ideal for developing something too serious, but I decided to go with the flow, whilst keepong my options open
  • She also was really keen for unprotected sex, but given the circumstances of how we met I said no way jose.
  • Then met another chick who I dated a couple of times, but didn't feel right balancing the two, so I dropped her to focus on girl 1
  • Last night she came round, and we discussed "the situation" and I told her I like her, but I'm not ready for anything too serious yet, that we should go with the flow and keep it open
  • She said she got the wrong end of the stick, that she thought we were serious and she wasn't comfortable about the option to see other guys
  • I explained I wasn't going to mess her around, I just wanted to be straight with her. I also said this could have gone very differently given how we met, but that it was better to be upfront about it than mess her around
  • She then left crying saying "it isn't hard to commit to someone"

That's a brief summary. I feel shitty because she is a cool chick, and I wasn't expecting her to end things. However, I know realistically, given her job, that it would be hard to develop something beyond her staying a few nights a week and hanging out the day on Saturdays.

The no condom thing also perplexed me. I kept saying to her to be responsible a. for contraception and b. because we didn't know where each other had been, and she'd get annoyed mostly about point b.

So, do I just let this fade? I actually feel bad as we had a lot of good times, but I wasn't ready to commit yet. She is a great gal, but better for me to be honest right?

She wanted something more serious, you didn't. You were both honest about what you wanted. It wasn't going to work out, no reason to feel super shitty about it.
 
Ok here is a summary of my current situ:

  • Met a girl online about 6 weeks ago
  • Chatted to her for about a week and a booty call transpired
  • Didn't expect anything more as she finishes work every night at 1am (working at a newspaper)
  • However started seeing her around 3 nights a week
  • Realised after a month that she was actually pretty cool and that I liked her
  • However her work situ wasn't ideal for developing something too serious, but I decided to go with the flow, whilst keepong my options open
  • She also was really keen for unprotected sex, but given the circumstances of how we met I said no way jose.
  • Then met another chick who I dated a couple of times, but didn't feel right balancing the two, so I dropped her to focus on girl 1
  • Last night she came round, and we discussed "the situation" and I told her I like her, but I'm not ready for anything too serious yet, that we should go with the flow and keep it open
  • She said she got the wrong end of the stick, that she thought we were serious and she wasn't comfortable about the option to see other guys
  • I explained I wasn't going to mess her around, I just wanted to be straight with her. I also said this could have gone very differently given how we met, but that it was better to be upfront about it than mess her around
  • She then left crying saying "it isn't hard to commit to someone"

That's a brief summary. I feel shitty because she is a cool chick, and I wasn't expecting her to end things. However, I know realistically, given her job, that it would be hard to develop something beyond her staying a few nights a week and hanging out the day on Saturdays.

The no condom thing also perplexed me. I kept saying to her to be responsible a. for contraception and b. because we didn't know where each other had been, and she'd get annoyed mostly about point b.

So, do I just let this fade? I actually feel bad as we had a lot of good times, but I wasn't ready to commit yet. She is a great gal, but better for me to be honest right?
Let it fade if you're not ready to commit. It sounds like she's commitment or bust at this point.

You never know, you're opinion may change over these next few days and you'll realize she meant more to you than you thought. If not, don't sweat it, you did the right thing rather than lead her on.

Take this as an inspirational tale I suppose, the regulars in here know how depressed and frustrated I had been before.

The girl I had been seeing lately texted me and basically asked if she could come make out with me. Not even fucking joking (it turned out her friend sent that text for her, but it was one of those "You're too nervous to just do it so I'm going to do it for you." situations). She came over, we made out/messed around for 2.5 hours.

The moral of the story: Don't give up, you'll find someone, whether you are looking for a meaningful relationship or just to get laid. I actually really like this girl, and this is obviously definitely going somewhere. I have been fucking ecstatic today.
Congrats man! Great news. Hopefully even some of the lurkers can gain some motivation from this.
 
Take this as an inspirational tale I suppose, the regulars in here know how depressed and frustrated I had been before.

The girl I had been seeing lately texted me and basically asked if she could come make out with me. Not even fucking joking (it turned out her friend sent that text for her, but it was one of those "You're too nervous to just do it so I'm going to do it for you." situations). She came over, we made out/messed around for 2.5 hours.

The moral of the story: Don't give up, you'll find someone, whether you are looking for a meaningful relationship or just to get laid. I actually really like this girl, and this is obviously definitely going somewhere. I have been fucking ecstatic today.

I don't intend to give up, but stories like this literally do the opposite for me. Take that as an off-handed comment.
 
I don't intend to give up, but stories like this literally do the opposite for me. Take that as an off-handed comment.

Then you are taking it wrong. Read the thread title again. Two words in there (and not "dating" and "age") will help you here. It certainly did for me.

On a side note, I think "Not being a 'Nice' guy" should be rephrased as "Having respect for yourself", to make it more clear.
 
The moral of the story: Don't give up, you'll find someone, whether you are looking for a meaningful relationship or just to get laid. I actually really like this girl, and this is obviously definitely going somewhere. I have been fucking ecstatic today.

Thanks for the words of encouragement and I really hope you're right, man. I've been thinking a lot about how tired I am of being single as it's all I've ever known and I'm 21. People often ask me why I've never had a gf, saying that I'm attractive, etc. so I can't say I have much excuse but I still have a lot to work on.

Hoping to make some kind of progress this summer. Just gotta figure out the when and where to meet people.
 
Thanks for the words of encouragement and I really hope you're right, man. I've been thinking a lot about how tired I am of being single as it's all I've ever known and I'm 21. People often ask me why I've never had a gf, saying that I'm attractive, etc. so I can't say I have much excuse but I still have a lot to work on.

Hoping to make some kind of progress this summer. Just gotta figure out the when and where to meet people.

Hint: Try online dating sites. Can't guarantee success on there, but it has it's advantage over real life, as it lets you see dealbreakers a mile away sometimes. I met this girl from online, by the way.
 
I tried another girl today, but it didn't work out so well.

I saw a girl in a book store and I told her I liked her shirt. She just dryly said "thanks" and walked off despite the fact we were both in line. I didn't bother pursuing, and my confidence took a nose dive after this. Did I do anything wrong here?

I didn't see it mentioned here but good on you to initiate. Just understand that you are not going to have a 100% success rate. You can do everything right and still have it not work out.

When people say you shouldn't expect anything from it they actually mean it. The idea is that if you always initiate and talk to people.. Even people you are not interested in, eventually something will stick. But you miss 100% of the shots you don't take so it's important to take those chances. Just keep putting yourself out there and try not to let it get to you if nothing comes of it. make it a game even if that helps. Like, I will initiate conversation with 3 women a week.
 
Think I am ready to at least try and meet girls again. Feeling much better now 3 months later and have made a lot of self improvement. Decided it would be best to not even attempt seeing/talking to ex anytime soon since it would crush me.

Edit- Would it be rude/childish to unfriend her from facebook? I have it so I don't see any wall posts from her or her friends already.
 
personally when it comes to dating i target the disableds because i know they cannot escape my poor conversational skills.

I should start doing that

Oh and going after the blind too, they can't be as picky about attractiveness as the other, seeing able ladies.
 
Hmmm. So coming to GAF for some clarity.

Me and the girlfriend have been together nearly 5 months, so we're getting pretty serious - things are great, wonderful even - but I'm worried there might be an issue coming out of my camp and I want to nip it in the bud.

So I have tons of female friends, tons - like 2/3rds of my many friends are female - and while the girlfriend was a bit nervous about this the first few weeks we dated, she quickly realised I have an extremely well worn healthy relationship with most of them, and that nervousness seemed to vanish. Unfortunately, it's not done at that - as there is one particular friend that makes her mildly nervous. She's someone I met last summer, and in all honesty - when I met her I was in the phase of my post break up (first girlfriend post breakup) where I was looking at all single girls as prospects, so obviously I looked at her as one. Nothing ended up happening, I met other girls, and eventually my girlfriend and me and this girl just became friends since. Well, me and the lady are very open and honest and we tend to lay out everything when it's requested so she knows all that, and that makes her a touch more uncomfortable with this girl than any of my other female friends, but she was very upfront an honest and said "I don't want to be the kind of girlfriend who gives you grief for having female friends, I trust you entirely and even if this girl were to make a move, I know you wouldn't reciprocate, and I would just go and kick her ass after" - she also wants to make an effort for be friendly with this girl, so a little while ago she even suggested they hang out - and I think they have something planned in a few weeks.

Anyway, the last few times I hung out with this girl, I've noticed she's been kinda different around me, nothing substantial, but I just couldn't put my finger on it, until she started getting drunk. At one point during a party she comes up to me and says "You and your girlfriend are so cute it's making me gag, and... if I am honest, a little bit jealous". That was red flag number one, and since then I've noticed a few others. I'm not going to go into detail, but I am pretty sure that this girl has either just developed a crush on me or was hiding it till last night. Last night we arranged to hang out, as we hadn't seen each other in a while - and she also was gonna help me out with some skin care stuff to thank me for working on a website for her, and also make me dinner. At this point I wasn't really sure if she had a crush on me or anything, or if I was just over thinking it, so dinner and hanging out sounded fine.

Well we went out first, had some drinks and blah blah blah, talked about some stuff and slowly throughout our conversations I started to realize - no, you weren't crazy, this girl totally has a thing for you. It culminated when we got back to her place and she started to ply me with shots (I will never drink tequila again in my life, I barfed so much) - she didn't make a move, she didn't suggest anything... but looking back with sober thoughts I realize that she was literally just trying to get me drunk off my ass. Eventually I felt a bit uncomfortable and left, got home safe - and all was well. I talked to my girlfriend sporadically throughout this whole thing, and apparently sent her many affectionate drunk texts and one midnight drunk phone call - and that made her feel much better about the whole night and this girl, and she doesn't seem nervous anymore.

So, now that the long ass and probably unnecessary story is over, I go to the crux of the post - what should I do? I mean, first of all... this girl has a crush on me at least... but she never made a real move or anything, so I don't feel upset at her - for all I know nothing would have happened had I stayed at her place longer, so I don't want to make any brass accusations. But do I give my girlfriend all the details and my conclusions? Should I continue to encourage a friendship between the two? At the very least, should I not hang out with this girl alone anymore? What's GAF's opinion? I don't want to start drama, so... I kinda just want to swallow my worries and hope for the best right now.

tldr; found out a friend of mine has a crush on me after a night of drinking with her, nothing happened, should I tell the girlfriend my conclusion or just keep that shit to myself and avoid alone time with friend?
 
Hmmm. So coming to GAF for some clarity.

Me and the girlfriend have been together nearly 5 months, so we're getting pretty serious - things are great, wonderful even - but I'm worried there might be an issue coming out of my camp and I want to nip it in the bud.

So I have tons of female friends, tons - like 2/3rds of my many friends are female - and while the girlfriend was a bit nervous about this the first few weeks we dated, she quickly realised I have an extremely well worn healthy relationship with most of them, and that nervousness seemed to vanish. Unfortunately, it's not done at that - as there is one particular friend that makes her mildly nervous. She's someone I met last summer, and in all honesty - when I met her I was in the phase of my post break up (first girlfriend post breakup) where I was looking at all single girls as prospects, so obviously I looked at her as one. Nothing ended up happening, I met other girls, and eventually my girlfriend and me and this girl just became friends since. Well, me and the lady are very open and honest and we tend to lay out everything when it's requested so she knows all that, and that makes her a touch more uncomfortable with this girl than any of my other female friends, but she was very upfront an honest and said "I don't want to be the kind of girlfriend who gives you grief for having female friends, I trust you entirely and even if this girl were to make a move, I know you wouldn't reciprocate, and I would just go and kick her ass after" - she also wants to make an effort for be friendly with this girl, so a little while ago she even suggested they hang out - and I think they have something planned in a few weeks.

Anyway, the last few times I hung out with this girl, I've noticed she's been kinda different around me, nothing substantial, but I just couldn't put my finger on it, until she started getting drunk. At one point during a party she comes up to me and says "You and your girlfriend are so cute it's making me gag, and... if I am honest, a little bit jealous". That was red flag number one, and since then I've noticed a few others. I'm not going to go into detail, but I am pretty sure that this girl has either just developed a crush on me or was hiding it till last night. Last night we arranged to hang out, as we hadn't seen each other in a while - and she also was gonna help me out with some skin care stuff to thank me for working on a website for her, and also make me dinner. At this point I wasn't really sure if she had a crush on me or anything, or if I was just over thinking it, so dinner and hanging out sounded fine.

Well we went out first, had some drinks and blah blah blah, talked about some stuff and slowly throughout our conversations I started to realize - no, you weren't crazy, this girl totally has a thing for you. It culminated when we got back to her place and she started to ply me with shots (I will never drink tequila again in my life, I barfed so much) - she didn't make a move, she didn't suggest anything... but looking back with sober thoughts I realize that she was literally just trying to get me drunk off my ass. Eventually I felt a bit uncomfortable and left, got home safe - and all was well. I talked to my girlfriend sporadically throughout this whole thing, and apparently sent her many affectionate drunk texts and one midnight drunk phone call - and that made her feel much better about the whole night and this girl, and she doesn't seem nervous anymore.

So, now that the long ass and probably unnecessary story is over, I go to the crux of the post - what should I do? I mean, first of all... this girl has a crush on me at least... but she never made a real move or anything, so I don't feel upset at her - for all I know nothing would have happened had I stayed at her place longer, so I don't want to make any brass accusations. But do I give my girlfriend all the details and my conclusions? Should I continue to encourage a friendship between the two? At the very least, should I not hang out with this girl alone anymore? What's GAF's opinion? I don't want to start drama, so... I kinda just want to swallow my worries and hope for the best right now.

tldr; found out a friend of mine has a crush on me after a night of drinking with her, nothing happened, should I tell the girlfriend my conclusion or just keep that shit to myself and avoid alone time with friend?

Don't change a thing, just keep being her friend. Guys can have back ups to.
 
tldr; found out a friend of mine has a crush on me after a night of drinking with her, nothing happened, should I tell the girlfriend my conclusion or just keep that shit to myself and avoid alone time with friend?

Tell your girlfriend. You might think there is no way she can find out but if and when she does, and the fact that you didn't tell her, will make her question when you "hung out" with such friend after that disclosure. Ask her what she thinks you should do and hash it out. If she's too restrictive, consider why you're with her. If she can't be secure in your feelings for her (and trust you) you are going to have more problems down the line.
 
Don't change a thing, just keep being her friend. Guys can have back ups to.
:p I wouldn't date this girl (she is attractive, that's more what I had in mind last summer), and if the reason for keeping it to myself is so I can keep her as a prospect, well it's not the sort of reasoning I'm comfy with.

Tell your girlfriend. You might think there is no way she can find out but if and when she does, and the fact that you didn't tell her, will make her question when you "hung out" with such friend after that disclosure. Ask her what she thinks you should do and hash it out. If she's too restrictive, consider why you're with her. If she can't be secure in your feelings for her (and trust you) you are going to have more problems down the line.

So I should tell her "I have a feeling Stacy (not her real name) has a thing for me, I kind of got that impression last night when we were drinking - but I want to reiterate, nothing happened."

Ugh... I probably should, but that just seems like it's going to start a whole slew of issues. First off, that's going to make her want to have a 'talk' with this girl Stacy - who will either deny it, or who knows what. And I wouldn't think it would be unjustified for her to start becoming more wary about me hanging out with females after this - I've gotten comfortable with the sort of leeway she's given me, and I am proud of myself for not abusing it, it seems like telling her will jeopardize all that though.

Blegh, I need to think about this I guess, maybe I'll feel out my girlfriend in some future conversation and decide from there - she seemed... relieved when the whole night ended up drama free, I don't want to take that away.
 
Think I am ready to at least try and meet girls again. Feeling much better now 3 months later and have made a lot of self improvement. Decided it would be best to not even attempt seeing/talking to ex anytime soon since it would crush me.

Edit- Would it be rude/childish to unfriend her from facebook? I have it so I don't see any wall posts from her or her friends already.
Not rude at all, you've definitely earned the right to do so.

However, I would argue that if you have the self-control, remain friends with her, that way she can see your posts and how good you've been doing lately. There was a poster in here a few days back who had just deleted his ex and wished he had taken the alternate route. Of course, if your intentions are to completely remove her from your life (and that's perfectly reasonable) then yes, deleting her is the way to go. Sleep on it and see how you feel tomorrow.

Regardless, glad to hear you're making progress, my man. I remember you telling me how hard of a process it's been, so it's great to hear. Keep trucking!
 
So I should tell her "I have a feeling Stacy (not her real name) has a thing for me, I kind of got that impression last night when we were drinking - but I want to reiterate, nothing happened."

Ugh... I probably should, but that just seems like it's going to start a whole slew of issues. First off, that's going to make her want to have a 'talk' with this girl Stacy - who will either deny it, or who knows what. And I wouldn't think it would be unjustified for her to start becoming more wary about me hanging out with females after this - I've gotten comfortable with the sort of leeway she's given me, and I am proud of myself for not abusing it, it seems like telling her will jeopardize all that though.

Blegh, I need to think about this I guess, maybe I'll feel out my girlfriend in some future conversation and decide from there - she seemed... relieved when the whole night ended up drama free, I don't want to take that away.

Dude you have to tell her she needs to trust you alone with other women or find a new girlfriend, I hate to be that blunt about it but if she can't deal with the fact that you have friends, will hang out with said friends and those friends have vaginas, well what the fuck. She either trusts you to be loyal or she doesn't, end of story.
 
:p I wouldn't date this girl (she is attractive, that's more what I had in mind last summer), and if the reason for keeping it to myself is so I can keep her as a prospect, well it's not the sort of reasoning I'm comfy with.



So I should tell her "I have a feeling Stacy (not her real name) has a thing for me, I kind of got that impression last night when we were drinking - but I want to reiterate, nothing happened."

Ugh... I probably should, but that just seems like it's going to start a whole slew of issues. First off, that's going to make her want to have a 'talk' with this girl Stacy - who will either deny it, or who knows what. And I wouldn't think it would be unjustified for her to start becoming more wary about me hanging out with females after this - I've gotten comfortable with the sort of leeway she's given me, and I am proud of myself for not abusing it, it seems like telling her will jeopardize all that though.

Blegh, I need to think about this I guess, maybe I'll feel out my girlfriend in some future conversation and decide from there - she seemed... relieved when the whole night ended up drama free, I don't want to take that away.



Dude you have to tell her she needs to trust you alone with other women or find a new girlfriend, I hate to be that blunt about it but if she can't deal with the fact that you have friends, will hang out with said friends and those friends have vaginas, well what the fuck. She either trusts you to be loyal or she doesn't, end of story.

Friend of mine had a similar dilemma. Though his female friend didn't have a thing for him, they were just best friends since kids and his GF was kinda jealous.

Dunno how he swung it, but somehow he kept the other girl as a friend and his GF's jealousy made her go nuts in bed and everyone afterwards was very happy.

You need to do what he did. But you should outright ask her if she trusts you. Otherwise that will fester in the relationship. Be open and honest.
 
Sorry to keep beating a dead horse but I can't sleep. So...an update for anyone whose interested.

As some of you may know, the GF of 4 years is in Florida on vacation. Well, we've been having a bit of trouble she's been saying crap like "I don't know what I want", "I have a huge independent streak right now", "I love you but I dont know if im in love with you", etc. well, i called her around 16 hours ago and got her voicemail. So I just texted and asked her to call when she got a chance since I wanted to fill her in on some stuff. She never called or texted. But she changed her Facebook photo abou 6 hours ago to one of just her, before it was the two of us. She also has updated her Facebook status and is tweeting bout how much fun she's having getting all these free drinks at the bar.

What does that mean?

I don't think she would cheat on me, she's down there with her parents and her gay friend. But she's just going to the bars with the friend. I'm so fucking confused right now. I can feel the relationship ending but...I dunno...

Ugh. Sorry for basically saying the same crap over and over again y'all.
 
Sorry to keep beating a dead horse but I can't sleep. So...an update for anyone whose interested.

As some of you may know, the GF of 4 years is in Florida on vacation. Well, we've been having a bit of trouble she's been saying crap like "I don't know what I want", "I have a huge independent streak right now", "I love you but I dont know if im in love with you", etc. well, i called her around 16 hours ago and got her voicemail. So I just texted and asked her to call when she got a chance since I wanted to fill her in on some stuff. She never called or texted. But she changed her Facebook photo abou 6 hours ago to one of just her, before it was the two of us. She also has updated her Facebook status and is tweeting bout how much fun she's having getting all these free drinks at the bar.

What does that mean?

I don't think she would cheat on me, she's down there with her parents and her gay friend. But she's just going to the bars with the friend. I'm so fucking confused right now. I can feel the relationship ending but...I dunno...

Ugh. Sorry for basically saying the same crap over and over again y'all.

I'm sorry, dude. It seems like she's already left.

But... don't take it at face value yet. Not until you can talk to her.
 
I'm sorry, dude. It seems like she's already left.

But... don't take it at face value yet. Not until you can talk to her.
She could have been considerate an actually dumped me before finals. Is she basically just doing all this subconsciously hopin I'm the one who will initiate the breakup so she can be the "victim" and get out of the relationship guilt free? Or something.
 
Dude you have to tell her she needs to trust you alone with other women or find a new girlfriend, I hate to be that blunt about it but if she can't deal with the fact that you have friends, will hang out with said friends and those friends have vaginas, well what the fuck. She either trusts you to be loyal or she doesn't, end of story.

? I think you are misreading the situation. She hasn't given me any issue hanging out with girls so far, and I doubt she will in the future even if I do tell her. The trust is there, and it hasn't really become an issue - the only issue stems from her own personal desire to not have to deal with a prospective incident - ie - friend hitting on me and something happening to upset this calm drama-free balance we have.

Whatever mild anxiety she has felt regarding my female friends has never really been communicated, it's just me interpreting her "Wow you have a looot of girl friends eh?" comments as such. When asked, all she'll say is "Nah, I don't want to be the sort of girl who nags you about that, just tell me if one makes a pass at you so I can beat them up".

It's not that I am worried that she'll freak out if she finds out this girl likes me and bars me from talking to any other girls ever - I just worry it will give her a tiny bit more pause, which will be natural (if I found out she was hanging out with a guy she used to want to bone, and all of a sudden he makes a pass at her, I'd be a bit offput myself) - and more importantly, I don't know what sort of effect it will have the group dynamic of our friends - this girl isn't part of the 'core' group, but she isn't an outlier either, bringing up any sort of thoughts I might have on the matter would be a recipe for tumulus activity.

Honestly, the more I think about it - the more I think I just keep my worries to myself, avoid hanging out with this friend one on one, and move on.
 
? I think you are misreading the situation. She hasn't given me any issue hanging out with girls so far, and I doubt she will in the future even if I do tell her. The trust is there, and it hasn't really become an issue - the only issue stems from her own personal desire to not have to deal with a prospective incident - ie - friend hitting on me and something happening to upset this calm drama-free balance we have.

Whatever mild anxiety she has felt regarding my female friends has never really been communicated, it's just me interpreting her "Wow you have a looot of girl friends eh?" comments as such. When asked, all she'll say is "Nah, I don't want to be the sort of girl who nags you about that, just tell me if one makes a pass at you so I can beat them up".

It's not that I am worried that she'll freak out if she finds out this girl likes me and bars me from talking to any other girls ever - I just worry it will give her a tiny bit more pause, which will be natural (if I found out she was hanging out with a guy she used to want to bone, and all of a sudden he makes a pass at her, I'd be a bit offput myself) - and more importantly, I don't know what sort of effect it will have the group dynamic of our friends - this girl isn't part of the 'core' group, but she isn't an outlier either, bringing up any sort of thoughts I might have on the matter would be a recipe for tumulus activity.

Honestly, the more I think about it - the more I think I just keep my worries to myself, avoid hanging out with this friend one on one, and move on.

Why are you rationalizing your worries to us then? You need to talk this out with her. And sorry but relationships are drama sometimes, you're going to argue or miscommunicate at one point or another. It's a given.
 
Why are you rationalizing your worries to us then? You need to talk this out with her.

Well, I really really enjoy not having the 'drama' that I have associated with girlfriends. This girlfriend has been drama free, it has been great and in general my life with my friends and the like has become extremely less stressful. So now I have a tendency to weigh the possibility of upsetting that balance with anything I might say or do. Talking to my girlfriend about this might upset that balance - it's been 5 months and I know her pretty well, and I know she'll appreciate I talked to her about it and we'll discuss it maturely - but at the very least she'll be more protective of me around this other girl - that's something that will be picked up in general, and it will create undue tension - that is like... best case scenario.

I really do enjoy being very open and honest with her, but sometimes I feel like I am treading a line between divulging too much unnecessarily and being open. I guess if my girlfriend asks me "So, did Lucy(I forget the last fake name I gave her) make any passes at you?" or something, I'll tell her it got a little weird and deal with the consequences, but if I can avoid drama in any shape and form, I'll do it.

I guess coming to GAF to rationalize my worries is just an extension of that, talking to a friend about sensitive matters like this increases the opportunity for it to get 'out' and that would come with it's own issues.
 
Well, I really really enjoy not having the 'drama' that I have associated with girlfriends. This girlfriend has been drama free, it has been great and in general my life with my friends and the like has become extremely less stressful. So now I have a tendency to weigh the possibility of upsetting that balance with anything I might say or do. Talking to my girlfriend about this might upset that balance - it's been 5 months and I know her pretty well, and I know she'll appreciate I talked to her about it and we'll discuss it maturely - but at the very least she'll be more protective of me around this other girl - that's something that will be picked up in general, and it will create undue tension - that is like... best case scenario.

I really do enjoy being very open and honest with her, but sometimes I feel like I am treading a line between divulging too much unnecessarily and being open. I guess if my girlfriend asks me "So, did Lucy(I forget the last fake name I gave her) make any passes at you?" or something, I'll tell her it got a little weird and deal with the consequences, but if I can avoid drama in any shape and form, I'll do it.

I guess coming to GAF to rationalize my worries is just an extension of that, talking to a friend about sensitive matters like this increases the opportunity for it to get 'out' and that would come with it's own issues.

Think of it this way, what will come to pass if you don't nip this shit in the bud now? Also divulging too much sounds like an excuse to keep some of your behavior a secret. Why?
 
Think of it this way, what will come to pass if you don't nip this shit in the bud now? Also divulging too much sounds like an excuse to keep some of your behavior a secret. Why?

If I don't nip this in the bud right now... I really don't know what could possibly happen, maybe that's why I am so comfortable with not divulging.

And my behaviour is pretty kosher! I just mean sometimes you don't mention certain things, cause it is just TMI. Like, we'll be talking about previous sexual experiences - I use very vague language without getting into any detail - one time I made the mistake of giving TOO much detail, and that was unfortunate. I can imagine it's the same with her, I know she's done freaky things sexually (without me specifically), but I don't want to hear the blow by blow, you know?

Your significant other doesn't have to know EVERYTHING. Figuring out where that line resides is a hard thing though.
You actually think she's doing that?
I don't know man, from what I am reading - this doesn't sound good and she's not being upfront about it. It sounds like to me that at the least she wants to be seen as someone who is single. Regardless, she's not showing you the sort of respect owed to you in this relationship. I wouldn't know how to deal with it personally - this is a 4 year relationship, so it's not as easy as cutting her out your life and forgetting about her. It's unfortunate she isn't at least giving you the courtesy of communication.
 
If I don't nip this in the bud right now... I really don't know what could possibly happen, maybe that's why I am so comfortable with not divulging.

And my behaviour is pretty kosher! I just mean sometimes you don't mention certain things, cause it is just TMI. Like, we'll be talking about previous sexual experiences - I use very vague language without getting into any detail - one time I made the mistake of giving TOO much detail, and that was unfortunate. I can imagine it's the same with her, I know she's done freaky things sexually (without me specifically), but I don't want to hear the blow by blow, you know?

Your significant other doesn't have to know EVERYTHING. Figuring out where that line resides is a hard thing though.

I just, don't have this problem. I share everything. Who I used to be, what I've done. I just don't see the point in not being honest. With holding stuff backfires and I don't see the need to do it in the first place.

I should also put it this way, I don't want my boyfriend to ever think he can't level with me and be honest.
 
I just, don't have this problem. I share everything. Who I used to be, what I've done. I just don't see the point in not being honest. With holding stuff backfires and I don't see the need to do it in the first place.

I should also put it this way, I don't want my boyfriend to ever think he can't level with me and be honest.

I guess I see it in gradients - and being 100% is just not something I find beneficial. It's too much information to handle sometimes, and it can be that one little thing that causes a whole slew of problems. People aren't perfect and there's no telling how the nitty gritty might effect them.

Possible scenario - let's say my girlfriend gave me 8.5/10 quality oral sex. Great, fantastic - nothing to complain about (she actually gives me the best I've ever had, but whatever for this story, 8.5). One day she asks me, with obvious pride in her voice, if I was the best she's ever gotten. Obviously I know she is proud of her skill and she should be, it's great and I am profoundly satisfied. Except in this scenario I've gotten that 9/10 from another girl before. What do I say "Honey, yours is amazing, wonderful, absolutely fantastic - but not the best I've gotten no".

Fuck that, I'm telling her she's the best.
 
I guess I see it in gradients - and being 100% is just not something I find beneficial. It's too much information to handle sometimes, and it can be that one little thing that causes a whole slew of problems. People aren't perfect and there's no telling how the nitty gritty might effect them.

Possible scenario - let's say my girlfriend gave me 8.5/10 quality oral sex. Great, fantastic - nothing to complain about (she actually gives me the best I've ever had, but whatever for this story, 8.5). One day she asks me, with obvious pride in her voice, if I was the best she's ever gotten. Obviously I know she is proud of her skill and she should be, it's great and I am profoundly satisfied. Except I've gotten that 9/10 from another girl before. What do I say "Honey, yours is amazing, wonderful, absolutely fantastic - but not the best I've gotten no".

Fuck that, I'm telling her she's the best.

I've asked before and gotten an honest answer which made me want to improve my technique more than ever so I could actually be the best.
 
I've asked before and gotten an honest answer which made me want to improve my technique more than ever so I could actually be the best.

Well you're an extremely special girl :p. Regardless, there are a lot of little things like that - inconsequential to me, but knowing that being entirely honest would only hurt my SO's self esteem or who knows what else, so I just don't divulge. I don't necessarily think that a 100% honest and open relationship isn't possible, I just don't think it's possible for most people - as it requires a level of maturity and self-reflection that isn't common, or even (in my opinion) a requirement for a good SO.
 
She could have been considerate an actually dumped me before finals. Is she basically just doing all this subconsciously hopin I'm the one who will initiate the breakup so she can be the "victim" and get out of the relationship guilt free? Or something.

Sorry, she just doesn't care about you anymore. Happens. Get a new girl :D
 
Kinitari, first of all: let them meet up. If Lucy/Stacy gets to know your girlfriend better that might help in her getting over you.

Might be hard to combine with telling your girlfriend, but that's probably the best thing to do as well. From what you've written here it sounds like she's very relaxed and knows how to cope with you having a lot of female friends. If you tell her you have a hunch Stucy is in to you, but hasn't really done anything to make you cheat, don't you think your girlfriend might understand?
 
Not rude at all, you've definitely earned the right to do so.

However, I would argue that if you have the self-control, remain friends with her, that way she can see your posts and how good you've been doing lately. There was a poster in here a few days back who had just deleted his ex and wished he had taken the alternate route. Of course, if your intentions are to completely remove her from your life (and that's perfectly reasonable) then yes, deleting her is the way to go. Sleep on it and see how you feel tomorrow.

Regardless, glad to hear you're making progress, my man. I remember you telling me how hard of a process it's been, so it's great to hear. Keep trucking!

I think she has done the same as I did but I have no way of knowing for sure. I think I am going to keep her on. It wasn't a bad breakup and I can see us talking a little in the future.

Yeah it was the wake up call I needed. Really saw how much of my youth I was wasting being a boring sad individual and it really made me see how mentally weak I really was.
 
@Kinitari The fact that she didn't put it on you while you were drunk is kinda classy in my books. If I were you, I'd keep the same contact but monitor the situation. Bring it up with the girlfriend, if you feel the need.

@zmoney Time to bail. She already has, you just haven't come to terms with it yet. She's being as transparent as possible without saying it outright.
 
I don't know man, from what I am reading - this doesn't sound good and she's not being upfront about it. It sounds like to me that at the least she wants to be seen as someone who is single. Regardless, she's not showing you the sort of respect owed to you in this relationship. I wouldn't know how to deal with it personally - this is a 4 year relationship, so it's not as easy as cutting her out your life and forgetting about her. It's unfortunate she isn't at least giving you the courtesy of communication.

Yea I know. And to make matters even more inconvenient we live together.

Sorry, she just doesn't care about you anymore. Happens. Get a new girl :D

I know, it's just hard to accept after 4 years. And I still can't really convince myself. Rationally I look at it and know it's over, but I guess I'm just in denial.

@zmoney Time to bail. She already has, you just haven't come to terms with it yet. She's being as transparent as possible without saying it outright.

So you think she just wants me to do the breaking up so I'm the "bad guy" and she can move on with a "clear conscience" since I was the one who ended up dumping her?

Fucking hell...I'm so frustrated, hurt, and confused all that the same time.
 
Sounds like a good idea. So should I give up on trying to get girls in the mean time?
You're still thinking about all this the wrong way. Why did you talk to the girl at the concert? Why did you approach the book girl (good for you, not something everyone dare to do, right?)? These are questions you really need to ask yourself and answer truthfully. These girls won't change your life for the better in the long run. That's something only you yourself are capable of doing. Don't look to others for validation like this. You'll never level up properly and create a great build in life this way. If you want to learn more about books, do so because you want to learn more about books. If you only do it because it might get you laid, it'll be a shallow victory and nothing else.

There's only one thing everyone should focus on and that is creating an extraordinary life for themselves, and for no one else. Getting a new girl every weekend or finally getting a girlfriend won't make your life extraordinary, those things come automatically when your life already is just that. You create this kind of life by living for yourself and doing the things you want to do for no other reason than that you want to do them.
 
Well, from what you've written, that is the only impression I get. It doesn't sound good.

But I've been wrong before. You need to talk to her.

Yea, I agree. I'll talk to her when she gets back from vacation. In my defense of refusing to accept that it's over, she's had issues with depression throughout our relationship...the last 4 or 5 months has been one of those times. Maybe this just is an extension of that? I think I'm grasping at straws here, lol.
 
Hmm, I'm going to the bar tonight with my girlfriend, but my ex-girlfriend is there as well, and we really don't like each other. So I'm afraid her network will create trouble, but I guess I'll just remain calm, ignore them or leave the place if it comes to that.
 
So you think she just wants me to do the breaking up so I'm the "bad guy" and she can move on with a "clear conscience" since I was the one who ended up dumping her?

Fucking hell...I'm so frustrated, hurt, and confused all that the same time.
I think that's completely irrelevant. She's not respecting the relationship and you are officially coming off the bench. Just be honest with yourself - are you okay with the relationship? If not, bail. Simple as that, fuck the juvenile "bad guy" nonsense.

Yea, I agree. I'll talk to her when she gets back from vacation. In my defense of refusing to accept that it's over, she's had issues with depression throughout our relationship...the last 4 or 5 months has been one of those times. Maybe this just is an extension of that? I think I'm grasping at straws here, lol.
Just going by your posts, she sounds bored of the relationship, not necessarily depressed in general.
 
I think that's completely irrelevant. She's not respecting the relationship and you are officially coming off the bench. Just be honest with yourself - are you okay with the relationship? If not, bail. Simple as that, fuck the juvenile "bad guy" nonsense.


Just going by your posts, she sounds bored of the relationship, not necessarily depressed in general.

Yea your right. I think I needed someone to slap me upside the head with common sense. Thanks.

I'll talk to her when she gets back and we'll go from there.
 
Now that I'm not gonna drink tonight, do you guys have any tips as to what I can talk with people about at the bar? I seem to always end up talking about people's work and that's the worst when we're having a break at a bar.

How was your beach trip? Oh you can swim? I can't swim but I would try save you if anything ever happened. When did you start smoking? Do you know the Australian bar?

Those simple topics.

And what are some great songs to sing for ones girlfriend? I can't sing but at least I'm trying at the karaoke bar.
 
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