Choose your words carefully. Its over, do not plead, do not ask her how she feels, do not ask her if she's "sure", just make plans to gtfo.
Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
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Choose your words carefully. Its over, do not plead, do not ask her how she feels, do not ask her if she's "sure", just make plans to gtfo.
I have dealt with depression and worse things in a relationship where it was 'me, not her' and this NEVER made me love my girlfriend any less or tell her I was on an independent streak.
So in my opinion you have already lost her, and now she's just delaying the inevitable breakup. (Maybe, as you said, hoping you would do it instead of waiting for her to)
Stay strong, but move on.
This. Fucking this.
Stick this in the op. stick this in the next OT. Everyone needs to read it.
Pollux
Member
I'm going to talk to her, tell her that if she can't commit to me then I'm gone. But I am going to talk to her, I'm not just going to sit her down and tell her its over. After arguably the best 4 years of my life, I owe her more than just dumping her outright.
Well to be honest I was going to through some messed up times about 1.5 years ago, and I was in a pretty depressed state and I told her the same crap she's telling me. At that point everyone would have said she had lost me too.
I'm just saying.
I keep reading this type of advice itt and its ridiculous. Those with hobbies, stability, a "good" life, does not automatically enter them in the world of wonderful women. Not at all. They are two separate things. One is a prerequisite for another but does not "automatically" come to people like you say.
Vermillion
Banned
I know what I said about deconstructing feel-good posts, but this is absolutely right.
I think the greater point that's being made is that you should be happy with yourself and shouldn't rely on other people to be happy, not that women will suddenly be all over you.
You definitely shouldn't force yourself to do something you aren't interested in just so you can seek validation like he says.
You definitely shouldn't force yourself to do something you aren't interested in just so you can seek validation like he says.
hawkshockey11
Banned
It might not necessarily enter you into a world of wonderful woman, but you will be closer than you were before. I think you would be surprised how easily things come naturally with woman when you are just living happily and not looking for woman. And if you never do just naturally fall into things, you will be too happy with your life to even care too much.
.AdventureRacing
Member
To me it's just about being happy with yourself. If you're not happy with yourself and your own life how can you possibly expect someone else to be interested in you? That plus if you just focus on living a happy life than whether or not you meet women won't matter as much because oyu will be happy.
I think the real point he was trying to make is this: Every woman is not necessarily going to be the woman for you. So you get rejected, guess what, it happens, but don't give up hope. People are different, it's what makes them human. A couple of months ago I had a date with a girl I met from OKCupid. It didn't go anywhere, she basically friendzoned me immediately after. Was I disappointed? Sure. I moved on though.
Now, I met this other girl that things are going INCREDIBLY well with. What did I change about myself for her? Nothing. I stayed myself. The only things I did "differently" I guess you could say were pretty much what's in the thread title, which aren't really much of "changing" myself to be a different person than I usually am. Don't believe me? Hell, she invited me to come play Super Smash Bros. Melee at her house later tonight.
There are a lot of women in the world. It would be a statistical anomaly if a good percentage of them didn't reject you. You just have to keep trying to find the right one for you. Don't get discouraged just because all of them aren't into you. It doesn't always mean you were doing something wrong.
Edit: Let me make something else clear about this point. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to improve yourself, but you shouldn't have to do things that are "not you" so to speak. For instance trying to get into knitting just because the girl you like is into it, when you clearly are not.
luckyboyceo
Member
Pretty much this. The bolded is all that needs to be said.
While yes, having self-confidence and bettering your life for your own sake doesn't guarantee you're going to meet a plethora of women, it certainly gives you a better chance at it. The truth of the matter is, if you can't be happy with yourself, how can you expect someone else to be?
Vermillion
Banned
EDIT: Saying too much on the internet...
hawkshockey11
Banned
I just got asked to a prom. Kind of an accomplishment.. maybe.
Pollux
Member
Alright...because of everybody insisting that the relationship was over...I've convinced myself that it is actually over, and all that's left is the split, and division of mutually purchased property.
Well I just got off the phone with the GF, and without saying so, we both agreed that the relationship was over. We're going to have a more in depth conversation early next week when she's back in town. Now, it's just a matter of actually ending it.
Once I looked at this whole thing objectively I've sorta realized that this is actually probably the best thing for both of us. We're both young, she's 24 and I'm 23. We still have our whole lives ahead of us. If we get back together down the road...fine. But for now, I think we've both accepted that it's over and it's just a matter of ending things and all that.
Objectively looking at the past 6 months or so, I've realized that just as she says she's "not IN LOVE with me, but loves me"...I can almost say the same thing about her. I love her like I love members of my family...she is my best friend. But, after a bit of reflection, I can definitely say that the passion just isn't there.
Is this breakup going to hurt? Yes. But based on our conversation, it seems as though it's going to be an amicable break up. There are no hard feelings, and no resentment.
Another positive is that I was planning on trying to transfer to a better law school, and now I'm not restricted by region and can apply anywhere in the country.
Well I just got off the phone with the GF, and without saying so, we both agreed that the relationship was over. We're going to have a more in depth conversation early next week when she's back in town. Now, it's just a matter of actually ending it.
Once I looked at this whole thing objectively I've sorta realized that this is actually probably the best thing for both of us. We're both young, she's 24 and I'm 23. We still have our whole lives ahead of us. If we get back together down the road...fine. But for now, I think we've both accepted that it's over and it's just a matter of ending things and all that.
Objectively looking at the past 6 months or so, I've realized that just as she says she's "not IN LOVE with me, but loves me"...I can almost say the same thing about her. I love her like I love members of my family...she is my best friend. But, after a bit of reflection, I can definitely say that the passion just isn't there.
Is this breakup going to hurt? Yes. But based on our conversation, it seems as though it's going to be an amicable break up. There are no hard feelings, and no resentment.
Another positive is that I was planning on trying to transfer to a better law school, and now I'm not restricted by region and can apply anywhere in the country.
Try to keep up the positive attitude for as long as possible. You seem to have your head on straight, so I don't have to tell you that your romantic relationships did not start and end with this girl - you'll have a lot more to experience and a lot of things to enjoy soon enough.
Been broken up with my ex for exactly a year now - best thing that's ever happened to me, I was just lucky enough that it was clear for me RIGHT away.
Pollux
Member
I think what's making it easier is that it seems to be a mutual thing. I was talking to a buddy just now...I don't even want to call it a break up...me and the GF are just moving on to different chapters in our lives. That's all.
However you need to think about it to make the transition easier - because you're right, adding unnecessary labels on the situation will only increase the drama associated with it. You're going to be doing other things now, and that's definitely going to be something to look forward to.
Pollux
Member
Agreed. I don't know if it's for the best, but I'm going to be getting out of Boston. After 4 years with her in Boston...I think I just need to start over. Either back home to Kentucky or some other school in the South. I want to be somewhere warm...
It's weird talking about the relationship like this. Because I know in my head it's over, I know I'm applying to transfer, but because we haven't sat down and finalized anything...we're still technically together...
I dunno. It just feels weird. It's like when you first start dating a girl, it takes a while before you start reflexively referring to her as your girlfriend. I guess it'll take some time after we split before I stop thinking of her as my girlfriend.
so how creepy is it that i guessed this girls last name and found her on facebook? no i didn't add her, not even contemplating that until i talk to her first lmao
i had the first 3 letters cuz where we both work, they only show the first 3 letter of your last name on the sheet for hte day. but it was a good guess lol
i had the first 3 letters cuz where we both work, they only show the first 3 letter of your last name on the sheet for hte day. but it was a good guess lol
luckyboyceo
Member
For what it's worth, you seem to be handling your breakup of 4 years way better than how I've handled my recent breakup of a few months. That's admirable, and shows a great deal of maturity on your part.
Keep your head on straight, but we're always here for you if it falls off a bit in the next couple days.
Pollux
Member
Well, keep in mind that we haven't technically broken up yet. We're just dancing around the issue since neither of us want to do it over the phone. But I'm sure I'll be a mess for a few days when it's actually official and she moves out. Maybe I'm being naive, or unrealistic, but I think that we can at least maintain some type of friendship...especially if I end up going to school 500+ miles away. The more I'm thinking about it, the more I'm realizing that it's really the dictionary definition of mutual.
I don't know if she wants to break up or not, since she hasn't said it specifically. But it's going to happen. She's already admitted all the other stuff, she just needs to tell herself that we're done. Once she does that, it's a smooth and clean and hopefully amicable break.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
Totally agree.
You guys ever look at yourselves and wonder what the hell girls like about you?
People in general really, but mostly girls.
Had a realization last night, that I have no problem getting girls...
The problem is getting the girls that I want. And I don't quite know how to fix that.
I'm not a settler, so this really annoys the hell out of me.
People in general really, but mostly girls.
Had a realization last night, that I have no problem getting girls...
The problem is getting the girls that I want. And I don't quite know how to fix that.
I'm not a settler, so this really annoys the hell out of me.
Thanks
I tried my best to help RawPower.It doesn't enter your life automatically because you don't want to believe that it's possible. Advice wise, it doesn't get any simpler than that. We are all attracted to people we think live a great life. There's no reason why it couldn't happen to you Kinggi.
The last piece, so much. When women are the center of your attention 24/7, you'll never be truly happy and won't live life to the fullest.
The stuff works like a breeze if you're willing to do the work. But almost no one in here would recommend doing the deep PUA stuff.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
Yes, but I came to the opposite epiphany as I realized girls don't like much about me.
So you said yes, right?
Like what? It's probably bullshit ^^
In a way I envy you, because at least from there you know (knew?) you just need to improve in general.
I feel like I'm on one ladder and I need to jump over to another ladder but I don't know how.
Devolution
Member
What kind of girls do you want?
Pollux
Member
I actually figure you're the best person to ask about this...what's the best way to meet a girl who plays video games, or how do you get a girl interested in video games?
DerKomisar
Neo Member
Hey Gaf, need some guidance. I just asked out my optometrist and got shot down with " sorry I have a boyfriend". I said, " a serious boyfriend or a kinda boyfriend?" She stared blankly at me for a few seconds and then I fucked up by just laughing and saying to forget it/ you don't have to answer that. I shoulda just talked my self up at thay point " because if your looking to upgrade to a bald white guy, you know..."
So gaf, what was the right response? Or just move on?
So gaf, what was the right response? Or just move on?
Go to a place where people meet and talk about them and not be a creep. Something like a con.
Devolution
Member
In terms of getting them into video games, you gotta find a specific genre that they're into usually. Most of my gal pals are into JRPGs, never asked them why unfortunately. Myself I prefer FPS or Elder Scrolls/Bethesda type stuff. If you can pinpoint the kind of games she'd be interested in then it's that much easier. Also I'd really recommend co-op stuff, since she'd probably enjoy a game more in which you two can both interact with each other. I think that's why you're likely to find women in more social games. Playing solo does happen, I do it but if I'm playing say Halo, I much prefer doing it with a group and socializing at the same time.
In terms of finding them that's a bit harder. You'll just have to ask them. Most of us aren't going to wear it like a badge. I can't really think of a place where you're more likely to find them like an arcade, since most of us just kind of avoid those settings. I think, though, you're more likely to find your gamer variety women in bars than clubs.
Cons are a good place to find them but I fucking hate cons.
Pollux
Member
Too much effort.
Good advice, especially starting her out on co-op games. Thanks.
asking her out was your downfall....
there are only women you might decide to hook up with
luckyboyceo
Member
The right response would've been to just end the conversation after she told you she had a boyfriend. Any further and you come off as desperate or weird, which sounds like you already did judging by her reaction to your questioning of her relationship. In the future, don't do that.
Move on.
Vermillion
Banned
Power Glove
Member
Asian-Gaf, please help!
There is this beautiful Asian girl working at a restaurant on campus. She is so beautiful, it is hard to believe why she's stuck doing a cashiering job like that. I really want to ask this girl out, but I haven't seen her in any classes or walking the halls, so I figure my only option is to ask her out while she's working.
The plan I had was to meet her right before closing time at the restaurant today and when I hand her the cash for a coffee, she unfolds the bill and sees the note I slipped in asking if she wants to go out tonight, with my name and phone number at the bottom.
So I go to the restaurant, sit down at a table, pull out my computer and wait until there's no one in line. As I'm sitting there, this slender, smartly dressed older Asian lady is conversing across the counter with the girl in Korean(?). I thought for the first 5 minutes I was there she might be a friend, then I realized she was most likely her mother. Oh my goodness, what a preview of what's to come for the younger girl.
I keep waiting for another 10 minutes (total of 15) and the older Asian lady comes and sits down at the table right next to me. As she does so, I look at her briefly and she smiles and I return the smile, and quickly go back to goofin on the webs.
The girl is wrapping up some last minute stragglers at the restaurant, so I'm still waiting for my moment, but now I'm not so sure I want to make a move right in front of her mother, who I can see out of the corner of my eye looking me over.
Right after the last customer is done, the girl comes out from the back of the counter and sits down next to her mother. The whole time I'm trying to keep my eyes on the computer and act like I'm reading something, but I'm really focused on what's going on in my periphery.
So now I'm waiting for another opportunity for her mom to leave. During this time, the two are in constant conversation. At one point, I see the Mom motion towards me while saying something to the girl, then the girl looks over towards me and kinda goes "Mmm..." and smiling and tossing her hair.
If I had to guess what was being said, it would be the mom asking "Why don't you go out with someone here at school? There are plenty of good men here on campus. Like this guy right here? What about him?"
So after that little exchange, the girl keeps doing these stretches in her chair every few moments, the kind where a girl leans far back and if she has a big rack, it attracts every eye in the room. She has an immaculate rack. I'm fighting myself to not look directly at this display by holding my chin in my hand and squinting hard at my computer screen.
So I wait for 30 minutes, and the girl and her mom are still in a constant stream of back and forth conversation. I give up and leave.
What I need to know is, and I only thought about this after I left; would it have been ok, even seen as a chivalrous courtesy, to sit down with the mom during the time her daughter was still working and ask if I could take her daughter out? Or maybe even ask the daughter out while they were talking? Do men usually have to ask the parents for permission to date in Asian culture?
There is this beautiful Asian girl working at a restaurant on campus. She is so beautiful, it is hard to believe why she's stuck doing a cashiering job like that. I really want to ask this girl out, but I haven't seen her in any classes or walking the halls, so I figure my only option is to ask her out while she's working.
The plan I had was to meet her right before closing time at the restaurant today and when I hand her the cash for a coffee, she unfolds the bill and sees the note I slipped in asking if she wants to go out tonight, with my name and phone number at the bottom.
So I go to the restaurant, sit down at a table, pull out my computer and wait until there's no one in line. As I'm sitting there, this slender, smartly dressed older Asian lady is conversing across the counter with the girl in Korean(?). I thought for the first 5 minutes I was there she might be a friend, then I realized she was most likely her mother. Oh my goodness, what a preview of what's to come for the younger girl.
I keep waiting for another 10 minutes (total of 15) and the older Asian lady comes and sits down at the table right next to me. As she does so, I look at her briefly and she smiles and I return the smile, and quickly go back to goofin on the webs.
The girl is wrapping up some last minute stragglers at the restaurant, so I'm still waiting for my moment, but now I'm not so sure I want to make a move right in front of her mother, who I can see out of the corner of my eye looking me over.
Right after the last customer is done, the girl comes out from the back of the counter and sits down next to her mother. The whole time I'm trying to keep my eyes on the computer and act like I'm reading something, but I'm really focused on what's going on in my periphery.
So now I'm waiting for another opportunity for her mom to leave. During this time, the two are in constant conversation. At one point, I see the Mom motion towards me while saying something to the girl, then the girl looks over towards me and kinda goes "Mmm..." and smiling and tossing her hair.
If I had to guess what was being said, it would be the mom asking "Why don't you go out with someone here at school? There are plenty of good men here on campus. Like this guy right here? What about him?"
So after that little exchange, the girl keeps doing these stretches in her chair every few moments, the kind where a girl leans far back and if she has a big rack, it attracts every eye in the room. She has an immaculate rack. I'm fighting myself to not look directly at this display by holding my chin in my hand and squinting hard at my computer screen.
So I wait for 30 minutes, and the girl and her mom are still in a constant stream of back and forth conversation. I give up and leave.
What I need to know is, and I only thought about this after I left; would it have been ok, even seen as a chivalrous courtesy, to sit down with the mom during the time her daughter was still working and ask if I could take her daughter out? Or maybe even ask the daughter out while they were talking? Do men usually have to ask the parents for permission to date in Asian culture?
Bucket-o-roadkill
Member
Great post, I agree. I still miss a girl from 2010, even though I'm going out on dates meeting new girls pretty often. Since 2012 I've got a new job, furthered my career and finally have decent money, I just can't catch a break with the ladies. I had a date tonight but there was simply no spark for me. I felt like I was watching paint dry. it felt like a wasted evening I could have spent chilling out and resting. I know you have to get out there and go on dates to move on and meet new people, but man.. what a disaster. I've dated 3 different girls in 2012 so far and the hottest one just disappeared for no reason. Stopped returning my calls, texts, literally all communication just vanished. Typical.
Yo I'm kind of worried. Girl gave me her number. While we were talking she mentioned that she is seeing the avengers tonight and that I could come if I so desired. Well I texted her right when she got off work (at 4pm) asking what time she was going. No response. At 710pm my friend texted me asking if I wanted to see the avengers. So I texted her to let her know that I was seeing it with someone else, and that we will go out another time. No response to that either. I'm starting to think she either gave me the wrong number on purpose, in which case I'll be bummed, or she just regrets giving me her number in the first place.
Plan is to call her in a few days (or tomorrow, not sunday though) and ask her to dinner and movie. What ya'll think I should do?
Plan is to call her in a few days (or tomorrow, not sunday though) and ask her to dinner and movie. What ya'll think I should do?
DerKomisar
Neo Member
Yep, your right. Things always sound more clever in your head. But fuck it, first women I've asked out in 12 years (divorce) and never gonna see her again. Take a muligan and move on.
you're giving her positive reinforcement for ignoring you
luckyboyceo
Member
Be positive. Have a good time and try and spread that attitude towards everyone else. You'll stand out.
Brent summed it up perfectly right above me. Stop reaching out.
Really, you should've stopped after the first text. I understand the temptation to send more, but it's only going to make matters worse for you. Ball is in her court now.
Yep, you've got the right attitude about it, my man. It's understandable you'd be rusty after so long. Use this experience as a stepping stone for opportunities in the future.
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