hawkshockey11
Banned
Deleted my Ex from Facebook after she didn't respond to the polite message asking for the money now that she is back in town(and the past 5 or so "hi's"). Last I see of her and it feels awesome.
Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
- Start date
- Status
Hypereides
Member
You would be surprised how many girls are looking for something casual with no strings attached dude.
So many are occupied by their education, work, private life and friends that they're not directly looking for something serious.
Besides, in a world where sex has become so accessible, love has become much harder to find.
luckyboyceo
Member
This is tricky. I have a lot of thoughts and I'm going to try and formulate them as well as I can, but my apologies if they aren't very concise. I will say that no, I don't think you should push for some actual reasons, and that I don't think you should read into her song choices that much. Most girls I know post things like that in the heat of the moment, and they usually aren't indicative of how they actually feel overall. That can be both good and bad, but basically I'd chalk that up as one less thing to worry about.
As for your main question, I can definitely see where you're coming from. I've gotten myself into situations before where I've been "speeding ahead" like you said and "didn't see the slow down sign" and it's put me in a very uncomfortably vulnerable position. I think a lot of this is because your relationship is still relatively new. You may have spent a lot of time together over the last two months, but in the grand scheme of things, two months is still very early in a relationship, and you've probably yet to develop a real strong level of trust that would prevent you from feeling the way that you do. It's also obvious that you really do have strong, genuine feelings for this girl, and these are causing you to want to protect your emotional investment by looking for answers to questions that you otherwise wouldn't care about. Not saying this is bad, I'm saying it's natural.
Honestly, I don't think pulling away is the right answer here. Primarily because of the reasons you listed, and that at this point, you've developed a communicative routine that if you change will signal to her that something is wrong. I also think it's much easier said than done. I would advise to put your emotions in cruise control for awhile, and see if you feel like she can catch up to you. Just steady out for a little bit and see what happens. I wish I could give you an example of what this feels like/means, but I think it's just one of those things that is applicable to each situation individually.
I have some more thoughts and parallels that I've drawn to some of my own relationships, but I'm going to hold off on posting them because I think it would only give you another thing to think about and that's not what you need right now. Pretty much I think this is a situation that's more about her and less about you. This may just be something she needs to handle on her own, in which case you just need to remain supportive and let her do that. I feel like if things have been going as good as you say they've been when you two are together, you shouldn't have too much to worry about. Ride it out for a little bit and let us know how things are going in a few weeks.
If it feels right then I see nothing wrong with casually bringing up the subject. Hell, she's probably been thinking the same thing.
At the very least, even if she says she's not ready to be exclusive, at least you've had that discussion and know where you two stand. I imagine it'll go just fine though.
That's good man, that's a big step. Out of sight, out of mind.
Pollux
Member
Wel this is fucking awkward. she's moving out right now. and i'm going back to kentucky on friday and she's going to get the rest of her stuff while i'm gone. i'm not coming back, will be staying in kentucky for the summer and that's the end of it.
thanks for dealing with my back-and-forth crap on this relationship for the past few weeks Dating-AGE. y'all helped me clear my head about this. and while i still love her, after seeing her again i realize this is for the best.
thanks for dealing with my back-and-forth crap on this relationship for the past few weeks Dating-AGE. y'all helped me clear my head about this. and while i still love her, after seeing her again i realize this is for the best.
electricshake
Member
He. I'm the she. Thanks though!
Slayer-33
Liverpool-2
So this woman I know at work (bikes to work every day, very fit body, beautiful face, Caucasian) I've casually chatted and said hi to her over the course of 1 year or so as my shift ends (8am) and she comes in (Librarian) I ask her "if shes married or dating, she tells me that she's married and said so in a not so enthusiastic way and I tell her I would have asked you out if you were not but I had a feeling that you were, didn't hurt to try asking"
She tells me that she would have definitely said yes to me if she didn't have that going on, as our convo progressed a little she said that "we can talk about this further (suggesting cheating?) maybe we can have something", she told me she was surprised I wasn't taken and that I can get anyone I want (lol)
Ooooh man feels so good to get validated like that by a hot woman.
I want her so bad. She has so much natural beauty (comes to work without makeup on and is just mesmerizing) it's not even funny and the vibe I get from her is that of a low key low maintenance girl.. Not to mention that shes a librarian.. You see her and you get this feeling that she must be fucking wild in bed lol..
She tells me that she would have definitely said yes to me if she didn't have that going on, as our convo progressed a little she said that "we can talk about this further (suggesting cheating?) maybe we can have something", she told me she was surprised I wasn't taken and that I can get anyone I want (lol)
Ooooh man feels so good to get validated like that by a hot woman.
I want her so bad. She has so much natural beauty (comes to work without makeup on and is just mesmerizing) it's not even funny and the vibe I get from her is that of a low key low maintenance girl.. Not to mention that shes a librarian.. You see her and you get this feeling that she must be fucking wild in bed lol..
hawkshockey11
Banned
Slayer-33
Liverpool-2
Wut lol
hawkshockey11
Banned
battle between penis and rational mind from Seinfeld.
Slayer-33
Liverpool-2
Lmao.
I remember the ep now..
Man.. I need to learn more about her current relationships situation.. We didn't really have much time to talk more.
Don't worry about it. I've considered it, but it feels like something i should resort to last, i'm not really sure of the side effects or how dependent I might become of it. I think I'd need to read up more on that kind of stuff before I come comfortable
using it.
Slayer-33
Liverpool-2
Out of Working Order
Member
Feeling pretty miserable at the moment.
I don't know how people even come to have sex or end up in relationships. Seriously.
Not having experienced these at 26 is driving me mad. I am SO frustrated.
I work in a retail environment, so I see couples together all day. I see attractive women too that aren't with a man.
Everytime I try to make eye contact, or smile, I get blank looks, or they'll look through/past me. Why are women so cold and indifferent towards me? Yet I can get a smile back from a little old lady.
Nobody flirts with me. No women interact with me in this way. Colleagues are the same.
I sit alone in the canteen.
I am so fucking tired of it. I am going to turn into a bitter, lonely man at this rate. People say being single is great, but most of these are people that have likely had plenty of fun already, and could enter into another relationship at the drop of a hat. The single life is absolutely not nice from where I am standing.
I don't know how people even come to have sex or end up in relationships. Seriously.
Not having experienced these at 26 is driving me mad. I am SO frustrated.
I work in a retail environment, so I see couples together all day. I see attractive women too that aren't with a man.
Everytime I try to make eye contact, or smile, I get blank looks, or they'll look through/past me. Why are women so cold and indifferent towards me? Yet I can get a smile back from a little old lady.
Nobody flirts with me. No women interact with me in this way. Colleagues are the same.
I sit alone in the canteen.
I am so fucking tired of it. I am going to turn into a bitter, lonely man at this rate. People say being single is great, but most of these are people that have likely had plenty of fun already, and could enter into another relationship at the drop of a hat. The single life is absolutely not nice from where I am standing.
Vermillion
Banned
Make moves. That's all I can say. Exercise, if you don't already, get a hobby, hit up bars, etc.
Some people are lucky enough that they don't have to do anything, but that doesn't work for others.
Some people are lucky enough that they don't have to do anything, but that doesn't work for others.
Out of Working Order
Member
I've been thinking of trying the gym. If I went to a bar I'd be there alone, and that'd look weird, or so I've heard.
I am already out there by being at work. In all of the kinds of women that come through, and I get no luck, what difference would it make if I am in a gym or bar?
Bam Bam Baklava
Member
I feel your pain all too well man. If you haven't already done everything in your power to change yourself and make yourself more appealing then begin doing so. Even if you're not attractive you could still work a niche angle by being muscular, etc. A lot of people on this thread don't wanna talk about looks but some of us are just really ugly (myself included) so it's harder, just how it is. You gotta basically try all the time to play the odds.
Slayer-33
Liverpool-2
At that point say Hi.
Just say that shit.
You gotta loosen up a bit man. Work on any issue you think you might have internally first and acknowledge it. It's a work in progress til you get to the point of being natural.
MutantCyborg
Member
Just a quick question. The girl im currently seeing has a much higher, calmer voice when were alone compared to when were around more people. She has personally told me that she really likes me. Im guessing this is just a sign of attraction from some people? Ive honestly never realised it before, and its awfully cute.
Bam Bam Baklava
Member
If you're not getting any interest or visual cues then the hi will probably just get a hi back and move on. If she's not immediately interested then you gotta basically charm her over with what you say and do.
hawkshockey11
Banned
Less texting. I feel like when you text too much, you develop 2 different personas. One that is open and gutsy while you are texting, and one that is more reserved in person because you have already told the other person so much while texting.
luckyboyceo
Member
Don't initiate between now and Thursday (I'm assuming you didn't in the first place), and see how she responds. Some people really like to text, others not so much. It will definitely be easier to keep things interesting if you don't exhaust each other between now and then.
Also, have a few fun questions stored in the back of your mind in case you hit a dry point during the date. Stuff like most embarrassing moments, biggest fears, celebrity crushes, etc. Things that can lead off into other topics.
You don't go to a gym to pick up women.
You go to a gym to get in good enough shape that women try to pick YOU up.
This will not happen overnight. This will take months to years of dedication. But you need to do it, and stay focused on diet and exercise and eventually the reward will come.
Sideeffects of Cialis are sometimes a headache and stuffy nose, which go away in a couple of hours. That seems to be unless you have a heart-condition of some kind. I'd recommend it over Viagra or Levitra because they both need to be taken half an hour or so before the action, and last about 3-4 hours, while Cialis lasts for 36 hours (I've found that that's quite pessimistic; more like 48 at least) and so you can take it at the beginning of a weekend, say, rather than thinking 'I will have sex in half an hour, I need to take something!'
Psychologically, just knowing you've done it might be the biggest hurdle overcome. And once you've tried to and know it works, you might be relaxed enough with foreplay, knowing there's some nearby in case you need it, that it works fine without. That's just my opinion on the subject!
EDIT: have you had sex before, with your current girlfriend or with anyone else? or would this be your first time?
Any first date suggestions? I usually like to just get drinks in the evening. Perfect opportunity to get your chat on and make a lot of eye contact. However the girl I’m seeing this Thursday would prefer to do something else (not so standard) especially considering we’ve already chatted a ton and she say she already has a fairly decent image of who she’s dealing with. Needless to say going to the movies is absolutely out of the question (horrible first, second or third date suggestion). We’re also meeting in the evening (probably around 7pm) so please keep that in mind.
I was thinking of playing pool, which allows for a lot of laughs as well as physicality, but tonally it doesn't feel quite right in my mind. The location also isn't ideal.
I was thinking of playing pool, which allows for a lot of laughs as well as physicality, but tonally it doesn't feel quite right in my mind. The location also isn't ideal.
Darren870
Member
As said, definitely not the gym! Every girl I've ever spoken to has said that is the worst place to be hit on by a guy.
An article to confirm this:
http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/men/locations-for-hitting-on-girls
CAW
Member
Lucky, I appreciate your advice and feedback. Something out of the ordinary happened last night and she got mad at me. Then I woke up this morning to more angry texts, tried to call her she denied me. Texted me that was over....
It's been like 15 minutes and it still hasn't set in yet. Man, I really liked this girl.
I think I'm putting my ex fiancée on a pedestal. We broke up march 23rd and it kind of hasn't gotten too much easier. It just hurts differently now than it did early in the break up. Deleting her from Facebook, cutting contact, it's all made me miss her more, even though the reasons she broke up with were never against me, she kept saying it was her, its just hitting me bad that she could be with another guy right now.
My dreams about her are not helping either, like they are about seeing her with other guys and stuff. Wtf is wrong with me. She was a huge part of me for 5 years and now she's just gone and probably making someone else all happy. And here I am just sitting here miserable with her on my mind.
It doesn't help she sends me draw something's and nudges me when I don't play.. Ugh. Just in an emotional roller coaster right now.
It sucks living in a small town with her because the chances of running into her are high. I see her mom all the time.
The further time away from the breakup is closer to the point where she finds the guy she always wanted I suppose. Ugh. Fml.
I can truly see how people just go crazy over stuff like this. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through :/.
My dreams about her are not helping either, like they are about seeing her with other guys and stuff. Wtf is wrong with me
. She was a huge part of me for 5 years and now she's just gone and probably making someone else all happy. And here I am just sitting here miserable with her on my mind. It doesn't help she sends me draw something's and nudges me when I don't play.
. Ugh. Just in an emotional roller coaster right now. It sucks living in a small town with her because the chances of running into her are high. I see her mom all the time.
The further time away from the breakup is closer to the point where she finds the guy she always wanted I suppose. Ugh. Fml.
I can truly see how people just go crazy over stuff like this. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through :/.
Lucky, I appreciate your advice and feedback. Something out of the ordinary happened last night and she got mad at me. Then I woke up this morning to more angry texts, tried to call her she denied me. Texted me that was over....
It's been like 15 minutes and it still hasn't set in yet. Man, I really liked this girl.
I knew it wouldn't end well. Anytime a girl says she's not sure about feelings...its over.
Z
ZombieFred
Unconfirmed Member
I think I'm putting my ex fiancée on a pedestal. We broke up march 23rd and it kind of hasn't gotten too much easier. It just hurts differently now than it did early in the break up. Deleting her from Facebook, cutting contact, it's all made me miss her more, even though the reasons she broke up with were never against me, she kept saying it was her, its just hitting me bad that she could be with another guy right now.
My dreams about her are not helping either, like they are about seeing her with other guys and stuff. Wtf is wrong with me
It doesn't help she sends me draw something's and nudges me when I don't play.
It sucks living in a small town with her because the chances of running into her are high. I see her mom all the time.
The further time away from the breakup is closer to the point where she finds the guy she always wanted I suppose. Ugh. Fml.
I can truly see how people just go crazy over stuff like this. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through :/.
Dude I can understand where you're coming from but you just have to believe in yourself that you will get better from this because you will. Keep your mind occupied, go out and try to meet new people, explore yourself, and do something that will make you feel happier with your life. I would recommend try and make new friends and get fit, if youre not doing any of that now. It will take time but you need to not make any contact or have anything of her life try to get mixed in with your time to heal.
bull fucking shit! Sorry read this and had to comment. I've met so many women that are in love with my hair. Mine is about the same length as his and I've had no major problems with women. A lot of the time they will talk to me because of it. I get lots of compliments from young women to older women. Some will even go as far as asking to play with it or touch it. The girl I've been talking to loves my hair when we are laying down watching tv shes constantly playing with my hair or running her fingers thro it. As long as he takes care of it and trims the split ends he's good to go. There are plenty of girls out there that don't mind a guy with long hair.
The Anti-Monitor
Banned
On the other hand, it's one of the best places to hit on a guy. Guys who have just started to get fit will love someone telling them their efforts are paying off...
I'd say the problem wasn't how long it was.
Yep. My friend's father is Portuguese and her mother is Korean. When they met, neither of them spoke English. I have to ask her for more details about it, but they fell in love with each other despite a language barrier.
agreed he just needs some decent clothes. I wear jeans and a shirt most of the time but I still have nice clothes that I'll bust out when I feel like it. Pick up some jeans and some nice shirts, and some good shoes. Hell just some nice button up shirts would work.
CAW
Member
I had the same feeling and she turned it around on me. I have a suspended license and I drove around last night and told her and she flipped out on me. I said it was a stupid risk and that I wouldn't do it again but I just needed to go somewhere.
Anyway, she said she wasn't mad at me (this was last night) but that she was going to bed. I didn't reply because I was at work so at 6AM I wrote "night babe, ttyl". Well she replied an hour later, back to bitching about what I did.
She said "good thing we're only seeing each other and not dating". I asked wtf that meant and she said "when you do things like that when dating it effects both people". So right away it's like she's just been waiting for a reason to hang a negative over my head to use as a breakup excuse.
So since we were headed down that road I asked things like, why aren't we dating anyway, we've been seeing each other a hell of a lot for two months to which she replied "i just need to be sure". I asked "sure of what" and then she turned it on me and said I was being too pushy and she couldn't handle it and that "you're perfect, but I just can't be with you".
She's 21, emotional mess and doesn't know wtf she wants. I was extremely stupid to put so much into it. She's the first woman I've been with for about a year or so (maybe two) and I think I wanted it too much. We clearly didn't want the same thing.
I'm still not feeling the pain yet, but I liked her a lot so I'm sure it's going to hit sooner or later. But i'm going to move on and continue to look because if anything this has made me realize I want to be with someone.
Lone_Prodigy
Member
You're going about it the wrong way. Instead of thinking "so many women here not interested in me", think "so many women I can approach and subtly flirt with without coming off as a desperate creep". You work in a retail environment. If they're shopping, walk up to them and offer to help them find something. Perhaps you can recommend a product to them. Smile, be polite. You're just doing your job. At first you'll be nervous, but they'll be polite to you since you work there. If you help them they'll appreciate it.
Use that as a springboard. Say a little more to them. Don't cross the line by asking them out or anything, but maybe work in a funny anecdote. "Did you hear this one story where..." Make them laugh. Again, keep it professional since you are working, but a happy customer is a returning customer.
This will boost your self-confidence. If you can approach an attractive woman at work, you can do the same outside of work. Your coworkers will notice your friendly personality and talk to you. Converse with them. Don't be one of those punch-in-and-punch-out worker drones. Be engaging. Be involved.
Out of Working Order
Member
I thought that perhaps I might get chance to talk to somebody in a gym, or get approached.
I am not sure I am willing to dedicate years of my life to an exercise regiem just so I can attract a woman.
I think I've got all sorts of issues internally, because of the fact I am in this situation. I have not a clue how to overcome it; in fact, I feel completely fucked up from it.
My friend at work said I'd have to 'become a completely different person' or something to that effect. If a woman can't appreciate me for who I am, why would I want to try to attract her?
Ha ha. That is totally me. I feel I am always going to be shut out from women at work - I've worked there for years, so I doubt perceptions of me will change.
Women let doors shut on me and everything, when I am right in front of them. I can hold a door open for somebody and get no acknowledgement. If any other man did it, they'd probably get a cheeky smile for it, and a bit of conversation.
I appreciate the advice a lot. It's just that I am not willing to focus so much energy on trying to impress.
I want to experience close companionship and sex with a woman. A woman would not be my end goal in life, but one part of it that would contribute significantly to my overall happiness.
It's the fact that it's not happened naturally that hurts. And it fucks you up because you feel that there's something wrong with you, and you feel so shut out from one of life's most exciting, integral experiences.
The worst thing is seeing everyone else around you enjoying relationships. My mind is unhealthy - I feel jealousy and lust. It has led me to frustration, sometimes feelings of anger, and self hatred.
Not an easy problem to solve.
Etrian Oddity
Member
There so many places to start with this post, but seriously read the OP if you haven't. We (and I'm going to loop myself in here because I enjoy giving advice, though I ask as much as I give) have a lot of people come into this thread who are starting from the ground up, and there's just so much to cover.
It really does all boil down to what's in your head, though. EVERYTHING starts from there. Just from you immediately connoting "go to the gym" to "go to the gym to hit on women," it shows you don't have the right mindset (and that's okay, because you can't be expected to at that stage; I know I didn't).
There are a lot of people--myself at one point--claimed they were happy with their lives and had plenty of self-esteem, but in reality it was all a farce. That's how it is with you; we can tell just by reading how you wrote your post.
While you have to make a point to approach women many times, they're the compliment to your life, not the ultimate objective over which you stress and become downtrodden.
Lone_Prodigy, jaxword, darren, slayer, midnight, pxg and I can all make these lists of bullet points, but you really need to read the very first post in this thread. Read it top to bottom, every word, with an open mind (that means NOT reading a word and dismissing it and saying "oh no i've already tried and it doesn't work).
This is just like weight loss: It's not going to be a fast or easy gain. It's something that you need to carefully lay the foundation for, because it takes a long time for it to truly come into effect.
Region-FreeWii
Member
Hey GAF, this girl's been giving me the 'I'm too busy routine'. Should I bail or am I jumping to conclusions?
A little background for anyone interested: I used to work with this girl, but we both moved on from that job and have different jobs now. When we worked with each other we were flirty but nothing really happened as we were working together. Now a days we are not working together but only contact each other mostly through Facebook. The flirting continued through FB. She was even really nice to me too, she got me free tickets to major sporting events and stuff lilke that at her new job. I'm recently messaging her if she wanted to meet up and catch up and keeps saying I'm busy right now with work. Am I right to assume 'I'm to busy' mean I'm not interested. Why was she being so nice to me before then? I'm really thinking of bailing and moving on but I might be wrong too. Insight please GAF!!!
EDIT: I'm also thinking or caller her out if in fact she is lying to me. Is that a good idea or should I just politely move on?
A little background for anyone interested: I used to work with this girl, but we both moved on from that job and have different jobs now. When we worked with each other we were flirty but nothing really happened as we were working together. Now a days we are not working together but only contact each other mostly through Facebook. The flirting continued through FB. She was even really nice to me too, she got me free tickets to major sporting events and stuff lilke that at her new job. I'm recently messaging her if she wanted to meet up and catch up and keeps saying I'm busy right now with work. Am I right to assume 'I'm to busy' mean I'm not interested. Why was she being so nice to me before then? I'm really thinking of bailing and moving on but I might be wrong too. Insight please GAF!!!
EDIT: I'm also thinking or caller her out if in fact she is lying to me. Is that a good idea or should I just politely move on?
Yep.
I think a bigger indicator of interest would have been if she wanted to go the events with you. Don't try to analyze why a girl does something for you anyway, especially when things start going south.
Omegasquash
Member
Meet and catch up =/= go out with me. Be direct about it, let her know that you'd like to take her out. She says no, you have your answer. She gives you another run around, stop wasting effort. Might not even hurt to stop right now, actually.
Region-FreeWii
Member
Dammit, the truth hurts. I figured cause she was working at those games is why she didn't want to go with me. But yeah, looking back I guess I was wrong.
Hmmmmm, you do have a point. I might just be blunt and and do that, just to be 100% sure, who knows. Not sure if it's worth the effort at this point. Arrrrrgh! FUCKFUCKFUCK!!!
Out of Working Order
Member
I will do as you say and read the first post.
I will say that finding a woman has never been an 'ultimate goal' as you say - up until a couple of years ago I was enjoying my life, giving it occassional thought, but never making it a priority. Work friends (male - I have no friends that are women) even thought I was gay because I never even touched on the topic of women.
Now, however, it has completely taken over my thoughts, because I've realised something must be drastically wrong with me. It's fucking me up completely. People may call me a loser, or laugh at my situation. Society and the media enforce this popular opinion. Why should I feel like this when I am already unfortunate enough to end up this way? I feel doubly fucked over.
Those are my feelings, and I cannot change them.
People say that these things come when you don't try, or when you are least expecting it, but that is the biggest load of bullshit ever. I've been doing that the majority of my life, with no hint of success.
I am getting older, and the clock is ticking. How can I possibly put this out of my mind now, as I have already sunk down far enough into this way of thinking? My experiences with women only compound the problem.
Again though, I shall look over the first post. Thanks.
That's because you keep telling yourself it's bullshit. It's as easy as that. Like he said, it's all mind set. Like with so many others, it wouldn't do you any harm to see some new perspectives on this stuff.
Edit:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIX6V_Cpyq8
This was me almost a year ago, to the day. Your argument is invalid
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