Dating-GAF,
I need your help. I'm pretty much just a lurker on NeoGAF, I never really post much, but after this past weekend I'm looking for sound advice anywhere I can get it.
My girlfriend of about five months broke up with me on Friday. Honestly it took me by quite a surprise, but really it's not terribly surprising if I look back on the entire thing.
You see, the thing that did it in for her was that sometimes, actually most times, at parties at her house I would end up drinking way too much and getting emotionally unstable, always winding up with me sobbing in her bed about how I wasn't good enough and that I should just dump her so she could be better off, etc.
She'd talked to me about how serious this was to her before, and that it was something she really couldn't keep handling, but wouldn't you know I went and did it again last weekend. I was so out of it I even puked in her bed because I was unable to get out of it. She said all these times accumulated in her head and between the stress and the fact that it makes me unattractive to her, she was done.
When I managed my drinking, like going out to bars or what have you, I was fine. Even at other peoples parties where I didn't have access to all my booze I was fine. For some reason at larger parties though I'd just lose track and consume way too much in way too little time.
But what kills me the most is that she told me point blank that outside of that thing, I was the most amazing boyfriend/person she'd like ever been with, which is why it was such a hard decision for her to make in the first place. And frankly, I treated her like a princess whenever humanly possible and was a genuinely great boyfriend. And when things were good they were utterly amazing and wonderful.
Had I taken actions to fix this sooner, I'd still be with her. I kept saying I would do better or stop but I never did. I made the mistake of thinking I could do it on my own or just like...will myself to stop doing it.
I've already set up a meeting with a psychologist I had seen a few times at the beginning of the year for this Wednesday and I'm giving away all the beer I have at the moment and not drinking anymore than like...two or three beers at a given time, but I'm just dying over the fact that I wouldn't take all these steps I'm taking to get a handle on things until after I lost this truly incredible woman.
The split wasn't mean spirited and there aren't any hard feelings or anything. But between the stress of school and all that and this, she just couldn't handle it all, and I certainly don't blame her. But God, I want a second chance so badly, because I know I'd do better. And I'm not trying to change myself for her at this point, this is something either way I have to do, because this insecurity issue has haunted me for a long long long time. I have improved a lot since my younger days, but at the same time the booze is obviously bringing out something that is still there and still a problem.
I'm kind of rambling at this point, but I just need as many outlets to talk to people as possible. I'm half afraid of sleeping because I know I'll dream about her (which I in fact did the first night after the breakup) so I'm exhausted, and I'm horrified at the thought of staying at my place because I live alone and that's the worst thing for me, so I'm staying at my parents for awhile.
I also know that I have to give her space and not bother her, but so much of me just wants to tell her how much I miss her and beg for her back, which is absolutely the worst possible thing. I just need help, guys.
Hey GAF!
I just wanted to update you guys on how I've been doing. Which is pretty awesomely, actually. I've never really felt more in check and in control of myself personally as I do now, and as a side effect I've never really felt more confident either.
The alcohol issue is a thing of the past, and what I've come to discover through my psychologist is that it really was a case of the alcohol affecting me badly whenever I drank that much. I tried to address it as something wrong with me, when in fact it wouldn't matter what state I'm in or when I did it, I will ALWAYS react chemically to alcohol in that depressive way. So I've limited my drinking and it's never been an issue at bars or parties since.
The other issue I've recognized, worked on and controlled fairly well is something called a "Depressive Reaction". It's what was the source of a lot of what appeared to be esteem issues, but that's not really accurate, because from day to day I think rather well of myself. What this reaction thing more accurately is like is a really bad habit I've had for a long, long, looooong time. I react to external situations involving myself or others in relation to me, and my brain makes it out to be the worst thing ever. If a friend cancels plans with me, it's not that they were busy or couldn't make it...it was that they wanted to do anything else but be around me or they didn't really like me at all or whatever. It makes me go distant or react passive-aggressively. Most of the time that only hurts myself, so I didn't think much of it, but when you're in a relationship it affects things quite a lot.
Overall what I came to realize was that I wasn't quite ready for a relationship like I thought I was, and an event like this needed to happen for me to recognize and address those issues.
Am I cured? Naw, the goal would be to never have those negative thoughts to begin with, but being able to curb them and control them is a tremendous step and I can without hesitation say I won't let it hurt myself or others like it has in the past.
I'm rambling, but it's just really awesome to talk about it and express how well off I currently am.
As for the ex? Well, we've kind of not really talked since the breakup. Maybe it was better that way, maybe not, I don't know. But this past Saturday I messaged her asking if we could meet up sometime this week, just to talk about stuff at a diner or coffee place. I have some things I want to get off my chest, but all of it's good, positive stuff. She responded that yeah, we can meet and I replied to her to just let me know whenever works for her. She has finals and such this week so I'm not going to pressure her into a specific time frame or anything.
My only goal is to say what I really want to say to her, and that's it. I plan on telling her how I've been, what I've learned and that there are no hard feelings or anything. I also plan on telling her that I still believe in us and that there's still something there worth trying for, BUT it is NOT going to be me asking for her to give me another chance or anything like that. I'm not going to ask her any questions or pressure her or anything, it's just how I feel and this way I can know I didn't leave anything unsaid or wonder what-if. If she wants to get back together, great. If she doesn't, that's not quite AS great, but all I want to do is let her know how I feel about things. Like I know there's a couple billion people out there and that the odds are pretty good for both of us that we'd get along pretty well with at least a few others, but I know how good we had it, so I'm going to fight for it, just a little.
Thoughts? I feel like I've handled things pretty maturely and rationally, and that I'll continue to do so, but I want to make sure I'm not fooling myself or anything.
Thanks for reading!
