Support NeoGAF

[Devolution]

... are you serious right now? You actually think that what Dev meant is you LITERALLY treat your SO the exact same way as your boys?

Apparently we need to hit on our best buds too.

 

[Kinitari]

Way to be willfully obtuse dude.

What else could you possibly mean? I talk to someone I am interested in substantially different than someone I am not. That significantly changes when I date them. Your argument is that a healthy relationship has them talking to them the same - clarify.

Just to clarify, my typos are cause I'm on my phone

 

[LosDaddie]

... are you serious right now? You actually think that what Dev meant is you LITERALLY treat your SO the exact same way as your boys?

It wasn't clear to me what she meant, either.

 

[vctor182]

In a great relationship there is no difference in communication among the sexes. You can talk to your partner like you would your best friend. That's kind of the point.

There's always gonna be a difference in communication since the sexes are different. You can't talk the same way you do with men than with women since the message is received different. You can talk about the same things but in a different channel and sometimes people need to really understand that. Some people have great communication skills others need to learn techniques in order to have those skills.

 

[FallingEdge]

I always thought that the initial idea of PUA is to teach men to have confidence on how to approach women, not to deceive or trick them into having sex or bring up some sort of false bravado. While yes, a lot of people use it as a way for one night stands or are looking for a quick score, that doesn't mean there isn't validity behind it.

 

[wind_steaker]

Short and to the point.
It's also a plus that you're highlighting that you don't like football, so you can screen out women who do like it (though some might say that'd reduce the number of hits you get, I'm of the opinion that it's better to be up-front about a common preference like that).

Thanks, yeah I figure if it's going to bother them that much then they probably shouldn't bother anyway! I have a hard time between making my profile too detailed, and then potentially putting them off with specifics that really don't matter, and making it too broad and just appearing a bit mundane/boring.

 

[ClovingWestbrook]

There's always gonna be a difference in communication since the sexes are different. You can't talk the same way you do with men than with women since the message is received different. You can talk about the same things but in a different channel and sometimes people need to really understand that. Some people have great communication skills others need to learn techniques in order to have those skills.

Except you should talk to women the same you do as men, especially if they are your girlfriend or wife. That doesn't mean that you don't tell them you love them or they are sexy, or that you want to have sex with them. It means that you don't VIEW them as different, some alien creature that requires a completely different language.

 

[Devolution]

What else could you possibly mean? I talk to someone I am interested in substantially different than someone I am not. That significantly changes when I date them. Your argument is that a healthy relationship has them talking to them the same - clarify.

Just to clarify, my typos are cause I'm on my phone

See this post?

There's always gonna be a difference in communication since the sexes are different. You can't talk the same way you do with men than with women since the message is received different. You can talk about the same things but in a different channel and sometimes people need to really understand that. Some people have great communication skills others need to learn techniques in order to have those skills.

My point is that anyone you'd consider a good boyfriend/girlfriend should be communicated to as any other person regardless of their gender. Of course you flirt and elevate your affections for the person you're dating, that's a given.

 

[SquiddyCracker]

I've already gotten a lot of shit for making a PUA thread in an effort to protect this thread from PUA talks, so I'd very much appreciate it if ya'll moved this particular discussion over to the Seduction-age thread.

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=483579

 

[bluemax]

There's always gonna be a difference in communication since the sexes are different. You can't talk the same way you do with men than with women since the message is received different. You can talk about the same things but in a different channel and sometimes people need to really understand that. Some people have great communication skills others need to learn techniques in order to have those skills.

My parents have been married 32 years and I'm absolutely positive they would disagree with this.

From my own experiences with long term relationships I also feel the same way.

 

[vctor182]

Except you should talk to women the same you do as men, especially if they are your girlfriend or wife. That doesn't mean that you don't tell them you love them or they are sexy, or that you want to have sex with them. It means that you don't VIEW them as different, some alien creature that requires a completely different language.

Funny you mention it like that, have you read this book?

Reading this book will be a better way to understand what I'm trying to say.

 

[Nerds with Guns]

I always thought that the initial idea of PUA is to teach men to have confidence on how to approach women, not to deceive or trick them into having sex or bring up some sort of false bravado. While yes, a lot of people use it as a way for one night stands or are looking for a quick score, that doesn't mean there isn't validity behind it.

It is, very much so. Been saying this shit for the past week.

I've already gotten a lot of shit for making a PUA thread in an effort to protect this thread from PUA talks, so I'd very much appreciate it if ya'll moved this particular discussion over to the Seduction-age thread.

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=483579

I would love to have a place to discuss all of that. But this is NeoGaf dude, (gif) there is no way in hell that thread has a chance to be taken seriously.

If you need this shit and all the slightly rapey acronyms just to talk to another human being then the world would probably be a better place if you just died a virgin.

Post like this making sure of that.

 

[ClovingWestbrook]

Funny you mention it like that, have you read this book?

Reading this book will be a better way to understand what I'm trying to say.

Just because there is a book written about it doesn't make it so. There are quite a few women on this message board who will tell you that they don't want to be spoken to like 'a woman (whatever that means)' but rather like a human being.

 

[TurboLibre]

That doesn't mean that you don't tell them you love them or they are sexy, or that you want to have sex with them. It means that you don't VIEW them as different, some alien creature that requires a completely different language.

Except that sort of talk might as well be a different language to some people.

 

[Coconut]

I 100% disagree. I tell my girlfriend I love her, compliment her clothing, tell her I think she's beautiful. Sometimes we act grossly cute around each other. When I started talking to her, it was a lot of stolen glances, silliness and obvious interest that translated into communication in tons of different ways.

I do none of that with my roommate.

You don't tell your friends they look good or on their birthdays say you love them or anything?

Honestly this whole men and women difference thing is bull shit made up to sell pink and blue razors.

 

[SquiddyCracker]

I think the whole "treat women like men" doesn't mean that you'll treat them like your buddies, becase you're often not interested in sleeping with said male buddies and there is thus a reduced element of sexuality involved when communicating and interacting with them.

I treat my girlfriend different from my friends because she is my girlfriend, not because she is a woman. Any men and women I meet on the otherhand, I treat the same.

 

[ClovingWestbrook]

I think the whole "treat women like men" doesn't mean that you'll treat them like your buddies, becase you're often not interested in sleeping with said male buddies and there is thus a reduced element of sexuality involved when communicating and interacting with them.

I treat my girlfriend different from my friends because she is my girlfriend, not because she is a woman. Any men and women I meet on the otherhand, I treat the same.

And that is fine when she is your girlfriend (I still disagree) but when she isn't even your girlfriend yet? When you haven't even been on a date yet? One need not speak to a strange woman in a PUA type of way.

 

[SquiddyCracker]

And that is fine when she is your girlfriend (I still disagree) but when she isn't even your girlfriend yet? When you haven't even been on a date yet? One need not speak to a strange woman in a PUA type of way.

There's a crucial difference between men and women you meet, and men and women you want to get romantically involved with.
Most guys in this thread aren't bisexuals, so unless they're not attracted to the woman they easily fall into the trap of thinking of approaching men and women differently - when it's really about approaching people and people you are attracted to.

So that's the real question, do you approach a person differently if you are attracted to them?

 

[Coconut]

There's a crucial difference between men and women you meet, and men and women you want to get romantically involved with.
Most guys in this thread aren't bisexuals, so unless they're not attracted to the woman they easily fall into the trap of thinking of approaching men and women differently - when it's really about approaching people and people you are attracted to.

So that's the real question, do you approach a person differently if you are attracted to them?

So when you first meet a women the conversation you have aren't about common interests or what is currently happening around you? Because that's what I talk about to women and dudes I first meet.

 

[ClovingWestbrook]

There's a crucial difference between men and women you meet, and men and women you want to get romantically involved with.
Most guys in this thread aren't bisexuals, so unless they're not attracted to the woman they easily fall into the trap of thinking of approaching men and women differently - when it's really about approaching people and people you are attracted to.

So that's the real question, do you approach a person differently if you are attracted to them?

And I would argue that the initial conversation, topics, response isn't different, or at least shouldn't be.

 

[SquiddyCracker]

And I would argue that the initial conversation, topics, response isn't different, or at least shouldn't be.

That's my view as well.
You'd think that before you'd want to get it together with someone, you'd like to know them better, and there's no difference there between a potential romantic interest and just a friend. Where it differs is when you make your feelings known, but that should just follow naturally from interacting with your infatuation/love interest if they too have feelings for you.

So basically, be honest, receptive, and up-front.
Don't play "games", because it's really not a game - it's a socialization.

 

[Sub_Level]

This hot girl who I don't know adds me on facebook and asks me for a webcam show (I'm a dude by the way).

I tell her I'll get on if she gets on too. I'm not about to get naked for a stranger. And then she replies with "wow".

Assuming she wasn't actually some 40 year old dude, can she really not see how suspicious things look from my point of view?

Just a little experience I thought I'd share...

 

[ClovingWestbrook]

This hot girl who I don't know adds me on facebook and asks me for a webcam show (I'm a dude by the way).

I tell her I'll get on if she gets on too. I'm not about to get naked for a stranger. And then she replies with "wow".

Assuming she wasn't actually some 40 year old dude, can she really not see how suspicious things look from my point of view?

Just a little experience I thought I'd share...

So if she did get on you would too?

 

[Sub_Level]

So if she did get on you would too?

You know even then I really don't know. Her friends list is 90%+ male. Maybe she's a gay guy, or a scam artist, or just really horny. Or someone I knew trying to get some sort of sick revenge.

Whole thing stinks. If I did it, I might one day find captured footage posted on some "watch guys masturbate" site lol

Being in IT gives you a healthy fear of computer privacy. I can't believe people still "Check In' at their houses. Like...that's your ADDRESS. YOU ARE ANNOUNCING WHERE YOU LIVE.

 

[ClovingWestbrook]

You know even then I really don't know. Her friends list is 90%+ male. Maybe she's a gay guy, or a scam artist, or just really horny. Or someone I knew trying to get some sort of sick revenge.

Whole thing stinks. If I did it, I might one day find captured footage posted on some "watch guys masturbate" site lol

Being in IT gives you a healthy fear of computer privacy. I can't believe people still "Check In' at their houses. Like...that's your ADDRESS. YOU ARE ANNOUNCING WHERE YOU LIVE.

Yea, I don't care who was asking, I am not getting naked online. More than likely it will come back to bite you.

 

[Kipe]

You know even then I really don't know. Her friends list is 90%+ male. Maybe she's a gay guy, or a scam artist, or just really horny. Or someone I knew trying to get some sort of sick revenge.

Whole thing stinks. If I did it, I might one day find captured footage posted on some "watch guys masturbate" site lol

Being in IT gives you a healthy fear of computer privacy. I can't believe people still "Check In' at their houses. Like...that's your ADDRESS. YOU ARE ANNOUNCING WHERE YOU LIVE.

You're getting pranked.

 

[low-G]

My mojo has returned. Come back from probably the best first date I've had (overall connection, attraction, satisfaction, future possibilities, routine, overall) to an inbox full of messages from hot girls wtf. I feel like I leveled up last night.

 

[vctor182]

My mojo has returned. Come back from probably the best first date I've had (overall connection, attraction, satisfaction, future possibilities, routine, overall) to an inbox full of messages from hot girls wtf. I feel like I leveled up last night.

Congrats!

 

[Slayer-33]

My mojo has returned. Come back from probably the best first date I've had (overall connection, attraction, satisfaction, future possibilities, routine, overall) to an inbox full of messages from hot girls wtf. I feel like I leveled up last night.

You son of a bitch you did it didn't you? (leveled up)

 

[The Lamp]

Well, if anyone's willing to offer some advice, I guess I'll give this a go.

First off, I'm a Christian, so my approach to dating is not going to a bar and having one-night stands. I'm interested in meaningful, long-term relationships, hopefully searching for/leading towards marriage.

I'm 21 years old, male virgin (by choice and, being a Christian, I don't want to lose it until marriage), and although I tend to be quite popular around girls, the only big relationship I've had was when I was 14 (I use the term "big" loosely, just because it lasted 6 months, and that's really long for kids that age) but I've voluntarily abstained from dating since then throughout high school because I saw all my friends dealing with heart break and stupid relationships with stupid people that would never last or work and I wanted to focus on more meaningful, investment-worthy things like my school and my talents and my friendships.

Now that I'm 21 and in college, though, the opportunity to meet the right kind of girl is much more possible and easier to manage. So I've entertained the thought of dating someone if it were the right person/time.

A couple of months ago, I met a girl through a mutual friend, and she is exactly what I look for in personality, she's a Christian, and I think she's beautiful. We have great friend chemistry, and she is always laughing at my jokes and I catch her staring/looking at me quite often. In fact, a week ago my mom was in town and met all of my friends and afterward told me that that girl "definitely likes you. She's always looking at you and smiling."

The only problem was that she had a boyfriend (however, he recently graduated and went to Colorado). They broke up a little less than a month ago because her boyfriend never kept in contact with her the entire summer in Colorado and she didn't appreciate that.

So now she's single. And, the more I think about it, and the more I think about her, and the more I think about our personalities, I think I'm really into her.

My problem is this, however.

• I'm extremely self-conscious and think I'm ugly and that I'm not worth dating. I'm sure it doesn't come off that way to my friends because I'm so outgoing in front of them, but inside I'm really insecure.
• I've never gone after a girl before. I don't know how to initiate anything. My biggest fear is a combination of rejection and looking like a toolbag or overly-confident person that pushes too hard to win someone, and therefore looks like a loser. I know I'm the polar opposite of that because I just flat out don't intentionally pursue ANYONE, but I still have that fear. So I don't know how to approach her. I don't know how to flirt with her meaningfully. I don't know how to initiate anything that might lead us into a relationship
• I want to be respectful of her recent break-up with her long-term boyfriend, and I don't want to go after her and then her tell me I'm inconsiderate because I went after her straight after a break-up.
• There's this other guy in our friends group that I can tell might be into her as well. He ferociously insisted on sitting next to her at a movie we went to and is always finding excuses to come hang out when she is there, and he sticks around as long as possible, and is always just talking to her and interacting with her over other people. I've always let other people have the girl, to save a friendship, even when I'm into her too. But the douchey side of me wants to go for her and not let this one get away because I feel like I deserve it for being so passive all the time.

...So what should I do?

 

[Vermillion]

1) She's already interested. Don't take too long. Ask her on a 1 on 1 date and make it official. If you can kiss her, that might help. Or just come right out with the "I like you."
2) Again, don't wait too long
3) Doesn't matter about the friend. Go for the girl you like.

 

[The Lamp]

I forgot to mention...she teaches dance and she's gone at a camp this month to teach dance to young girls. Sooo I won't see her until August.

 

[Vermillion]

I forgot to mention...she teaches dance and she's gone at a camp this month to teach dance to young girls. Sooo I won't see her until August.

Well, now you're forced to give her time. Express interest when you can.

 

[Nerds with Guns]

...So what should I do?

Go for it.

Ask her out on a date for coffee. She says yes, go and have a good time. She says no, at least you took a chance and you have your answer.

I want to be respectful of her recent break-up with her long-term boyfriend,

Don't worry about it.

You also might want to make a move before your friend does.

 

[The Lamp]

When she comes back, should I invite her one-on-one first, and then if it goes well admit to her that I like her and that I want to be respectful of her break-up but if it's okay that I'd like to see if we could be maybe be more than friends and invite her on another date?

There's this coffee shop that she goes to. I guess we could go there.

Should I be worried about what it'll do for our friendship and mutual friendships if she says no? I don't want things to be awkward afterward.

 

[Nerds with Guns]

When she comes back, should I invite her one-on-one first, and then if it goes well admit to her that I like her and that I want to be respectful of her break-up but if it's okay that I'd like to see if we could be maybe be more than friends and invite her on another date?

Or, you know, be straight up and ask her out and just see where things go. Do not worry about this "being respectful" shit.

if it's okay that I'd like to see if we could be maybe be more than friends and invite her on another date?

You see whats highlighted, you never ever say these words.

Should I be worried about what it'll do for our friendship and mutual friendships if she says no? I don't want things to be awkward afterward.

A risk you take if you really like this girl.

 

[zethren]

so okay just checked some sites so I now know how to say hello. first I tell myself I'm the best person and everybody loves me. second I touch her to establish some 'kin' because statistically speak I am 33% more likely to have sex with a woman if I do some light touching when we first meet. then I have to neg her so to establish that I am the dominant person in this relationship but also to make it so that she isn't as cocky in her-self but also that she is more receptive to my eventual compliments. then I say hello.

so...er...how do i talk about batman to her?

Ask her if she wants to see your batman bed sheets.

#PUA.

 

[scotcheggz]

When she comes back, should I invite her one-on-one first, and then if it goes well admit to her that I like her and that I want to be respectful of her break-up but if it's okay that I'd like to see if we could be maybe be more than friends and invite her on another date?

There's this coffee shop that she goes to. I guess we could go there.

Should I be worried about what it'll do for our friendship and mutual friendships if she says no? I don't want things to be awkward afterward.

Just ask her out on a date and see how it plays out. Unless it's going SPECTACULARLY well, I'd keep all that extraneous stuff to yourself. Just have a good time and roll with it for the first date at least.

Can go there, or you can find another nice place along the same lines. Something casual like coffee, where you can talk one on one is good though. Maybe have a rough idea of something you could do after if it's possible to be an extender, somewhere to walk/sit/shop, again something casual where you can interact with one another.

Don't worry if she says no, if you have mutual friends and such it doesn't have to be weird, just say no worries, you were just chucking it out there and don't be immature or bitter about it.

 

[low-G]

God, my glasses frames must be horrendous, I keep getting replies from the top 1% / dream girls I never imagined would ever go for me, because I took a pic of me without my glasses on. This is some Hollywood-level bullshit. Contacts 4 lif

Additionally I told the super incredible dream girl who broke up with her bf (found out she's not even broken up fully... :X) about my interest in her and it looks very much like this will become an actual thing... Never even seen this reaction from a girl before... it's incredible


/and that's how I became a god

 

[Vermillion]

God, my glasses frames must be horrendous, I keep getting replies from the top 1% / dream girls I never imagined would ever go for me, because I took a pic of me without my glasses on. This is some Hollywood-level bullshit. Contacts 4 lif

Additionally I told the super incredible dream girl who broke up with her bf (found out she's not even broken up fully... :X) about my interest in her and it looks very much like this will become an actual thing... Never even seen this reaction from a girl before... it's incredible


/and that's how I became a god

A lot of people look different/better without glasses. And that's great, dude.

 

[Bam Bam Baklava]

Been trying to stay positive for the last 4 days. Basically doing everything by myself so it kind of sucks. Having trouble meeting anyone new and the people I do know already don't want much to do with me.

Some of you guys should never take what you have for granted. If I ever got into trouble the only people I could ever call for help is my few family members (I'm still thankful that I have them). That's not really a good place to be.

 

[cornontheCoD]

all this talk about not having to talk to women any differently than men, women not being "an alien race", etc. Devil's advocate here. Let's say there's a guy who's never had a girlfriend. Never even had a female friend. And all this time he's been approaching situations with men and women the same way. Don't you think it's crazy advice to be telling him "no dude, just keep doing what you've been doing. You don't have to do anything different or special to befriend/have relationships with girls."

In case it wasn't obvious, that guy was me, for a while. I never even had a female friend until I made a concerted effort to completely change the way I acted around women. I understand what y'all are getting at, but I can see what the other side is thinking as well.

 

[eiskaltnz]

Is it normal to regret spending time (maybe even ever dating them) with someone after breaking up with them?

Even remembering the good times I still feel as if all the time and emotions I spent on her was just a waste for me. It is probably just the mood I am in but I wonder if any of you other guys have felt the same.

 

[bjb]

God, my glasses frames must be horrendous, I keep getting replies from the top 1% / dream girls I never imagined would ever go for me, because I took a pic of me without my glasses on. This is some Hollywood-level bullshit. Contacts 4 lif

Additionally I told the super incredible dream girl who broke up with her bf (found out she's not even broken up fully... :X) about my interest in her and it looks very much like this will become an actual thing... Never even seen this reaction from a girl before... it's incredible


/and that's how I became a god

Is this on OkCupid? Curious where you're meeting said dreamgirl.

 

[CrushDance]

.

 

[Jo Shishido's Cheeks]

Is it normal to regret spending time (maybe even ever dating them) with someone after breaking up with them?

Even remembering the good times I still feel as if all the time and emotions I spent on her was just a waste for me. It is probably just the mood I am in but I wonder if any of you other guys have felt the same.

Definitely! I spent 4 years with somebody only for it all to go to shit.
Despite great times (probably some of the best of my life in retrospect) I can't help but think that I would've rather spent that time fucking as many girls as possible.
It would've cost me a lot less financially and emotionally and, as I would've just ended up in the same position I am in today anyway, I perhaps would've been better off.

 

[low-G]

Is this on OkCupid? Curious where you're meeting said dreamgirl.

The random hot girls are OKCupid (I meant dream girl with them as in they're so hot / fantasy girl), actual dream girl I met online via gaming community & met in real life for several days before (hanging out together).

Is it normal to regret spending time (maybe even ever dating them) with someone after breaking up with them?

Even remembering the good times I still feel as if all the time and emotions I spent on her was just a waste for me. It is probably just the mood I am in but I wonder if any of you other guys have felt the same.

That is absolutely what I hear from my one male friend right after he broke up with his girlfriend the last 2 times. He talks a lot about the money, though.

 

[Omegasquash]

Is it normal to regret spending time (maybe even ever dating them) with someone after breaking up with them?

Even remembering the good times I still feel as if all the time and emotions I spent on her was just a waste for me. It is probably just the mood I am in but I wonder if any of you other guys have felt the same.

It is totally normal, and don't feel bad about it at all. Give it the attention that it requires so that it doesn't fester into some gelatinous monster that melts and oozes its way out of your mental closet and bites you in the ass.

Normal processes, say I.

 

[Tex117]

Is it normal to regret spending time (maybe even ever dating them) with someone after breaking up with them?

Even remembering the good times I still feel as if all the time and emotions I spent on her was just a waste for me. It is probably just the mood I am in but I wonder if any of you other guys have felt the same.

Absolutely, if used constructively to get some distance from the situation.

Again, let some time get in there and do its thing.

 

[subversus]

I think it's a bit stupid and self-destructive to regret about time spent with a girl (and money spent to the boot). Good times were had, money spent are money that you won't get back so I don't see any sound rational reason to regret this unless you like to feel miserable and hate yourself.