Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy

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Devolution said:
Only seen bad things come out of heroin usage.
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Yep. The only problem is that I just got out of a 3.5 year relationship in March-May and I don't think i can be in an actual relationship at the moment. So I would feel bad if she ended up alone. But then she's with a drug addict so...

Agh.

Fuck. I mean I would love to be with her, but then I think about how I just got out of a relationship and want to work on myself and I get conflicted. I sound like a fucking idiot.
 
May I add a list of do's and don't after a breakup? I've made most of these mistakes last year and I feel like recent threads have shown that people are making the same mistakes.

Guidelines:

- No contact. No FB, Twitter, Tumblr, Skype, etc.
- Reflect on what you can do to make yourself better/happier.
- Accept that it's over.
- Never have hope that things could change.
- Don't force yourself back into the game.
- Forget about the breakup/Don't tell everyone the breakup story.
- It's never meant to be even if you do get back together.
- Don't ever worry about what your ex is doing. That's their business.
- You don't owe your ex a thing, even if you made the mistake. Apologize and learn from it.
- Never try reading those Get Ex Back Secrets bs you see everywhere. It fucks you up even more.
- Never lie to yourself by saying you're not doing certain things for your ex.
- Don't read into things.
 
Mully said:
May I add a list of do's and don't after a breakup? I've made most of these mistakes last year and I feel like recent threads have shown that people are making the same mistakes.

Guidelines:

- No contact. No FB, Twitter, Tumblr, Skype, etc.
- Reflect on what you can do to make yourself better/happier.
- Accept that it's over.
- Never have hope that things could change.
- Don't force yourself back into the game.
- Forget about the breakup/Don't tell everyone the breakup story.
- It's never meant to be even if you do get back together.
- Don't ever worry about what your ex is doing. That's their business.
- You don't owe your ex a thing, even if you made the mistake. Apologize and learn from it.
- Never try reading those Get Ex Back Secrets bs you see everywhere. It fucks you up even more.
- Never lie to yourself by saying you're not doing certain things for your ex.
- Don't read into things.
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I think I'm Ok with these things...I moved 1,000 miles away and haven't talked to her since and literally have no real feelings for her outside of apathy. But I just feel like I need some alone time before getting in another relationship.
 
Pollux said:
I think I'm Ok with these things...I moved 1,000 miles away and haven't talked to her since and literally have no real feelings for her outside of apathy. But I just feel like I need some alone time before getting in another relationship.
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I don't know your situation, but you seem to be doing great. I'm in the same boat as you are right now. I could hop into a relationship right now. I feel ready, but I'm just not interested in actually getting into one. As sleazy as it sounds, I'd rather enjoy myself and enjoy other single women's company each night. There's more variety, especially after being with the same person for nearly 4 years.
 
Minamu said:
See, it's easy :) I need to be more like that too, for my own sake. I don't go out expecting these crazy things to happen but they do every time now, and it's fun. Putting yourself out there and daring to do something you normally wouldn't is great for testing and breaking your boundaries (as long as you don't step too out of line of course). It really propels you forward.
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I tried this tonight but i didn't actually go in anywhere. Still afraid of that part. What are some good bars in NY? I walked by one called the pub? Any others?

Also i let another attractive girl come and go. I had a reason though; there was other people on the train also. Are any of you able to talk to a girl with people around? Seems impossible. ha.
 
Kung Fu Grip said:
I tried this tonight but i didn't actually go in anywhere. Still afraid of that part. What are some good bars in NY? I walked by one called the pub? Any others?

Also i let another attractive girl come and go. I had a reason though; there was other people on the train also. Are any of you able to talk to a girl with people around? Seems impossible. ha.
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It takes time and confidence. If you're confidently down to earth, you can talk to the cute girl working the cash register and probably get her number.
 
Man said:
I have been going out alone for a few weekends now. Every time I sit down with a set of ladies and we get to talking I *always* get told how ballsy I am for doing so. I also got told how sexy I look in my new vest/dress which leads into...

...having gotten myself a date. After me and this pretty blonde had snuggled a bit in the disco yesterday I suggested we should hang out and do an activity one of these days (before you ask: I could tell it wouldn't go further then snuggling so that's why I didn't push that idea). She wrote down her full name and phonenumber (also asked me to add her to FB) so maybe this could lead to better things.

One great ice breaker I used to get to know her was to play a game with her. Each of us took turns asking three questions where both had to answer. Stuff went from the ordinary like 'where did you grow up', 'favorite drinks' etc to questions with more intent like 'what's your favorite/worst aspect of opposite gender'. Her answer to that: guys are funny, guys are controlling. My answer: I really like female necks (which gave me an opportunity to stroke her there, she said she had never been told that before). I told her females being moody is their worst aspect. I could have brought up questions with even more direct intent (sex etc) but I sensed that was a road I wouldn't succeed with last night so I believe a snuggle and a planned date is a good result considering.
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How did you get the opportunity to even sit down with them? Did you approach them, or they approached you?

Seems you have no fear of girls. :(
 
I had four dates lined up this weekend. Date one was yesterday. Brenda. First date with her. We met up at the Irvine Spectrum at the Yardhouse, shared a bottle of wine, left, and talked on a bench. She owns her own publishing business. I left for a minute to get the hostess for the table (we were in queue), and when I came back a guy was talking to her (red sirens going off). She's too controlling (she was always the one talking to the waitress, she chose the date destination, etc). I walked her to her car, hugged, and left. Meh, screw it.

Date number two got cancelled. She didn't realize I lived so far away. Legitimate excuse. She lives 65 miles from me. I told her no worries, and that was that.

Date number three was today. This was the girl from Victorville, Candi. 59 miles from me. This was a first date. We met half way in Riverside, at Toms Farms (for those not in the know and live in SoCal, this is an EXCELLENT date destination, oh my god). It was my first time there and I had no idea it would be that good for a date. Free entrance, free parking. Only money I spent was $15 for a meal for us. We ate dinner, then sat at a park bench facing a pond with a fountain. It was fantastic. Great weather, we were under a tree, not too many people. Quiet, we could talk in peace. Romantic. Including dinner, total time spent there was 2 hours 30 minutes. Got up to leave. On the way back to the car told her I had a great time and it was nice meeting her. She said the same thing back. When we got to her car, this is where she was different than any other date I've been on. Most other girls will stand next to their car, near the door, and wait to be hugged/kissed.

In this case, we stopped about 5 feet behind her car and chatted away about her ride. It was clear she wanted a kiss, but I wasn't 100% sure how to go about it. The positioning was different. I was to her side. Usually when I go in for a kiss I'm to the girl's front, typically after opening her door, and slowly approach, then read her reaction as I approach on whether she wants a kiss or hug (it's usually very obvious whether a girl wants a hug or kiss).

So we continued talking and I repositioned myself between her and her car. About three feet from her. I looked into her eyes and in a cute way said
Me: I'm thinking about... something
Her: Thinking about what?
Me: Thinking about...... something (when I said this I elongated the word "something", smiled, and took a step forward)

Then I leaned forward and kissed her. Then I walked her to her car, opened her door, kissed her again, let her get in, said "Drive safe. I'll contact you again". She laughed., and I closed the door.

When I got home I sent a reply text:
Me: "It was nice meeting you this eveining. I had a great time!"
Her: "I did too. Thank you."
Me: "I hope we can do it again sometime."
Her: "Oh, I believe we'll be able to."

In the future I'll condense those two texts into one on first-date reply texts.

And that has been our last communication.

Date four is set for tomorrow at noon. This one is a second date. Lu is going to meet me at my place. We're going to get lunch and go to the beach. I told her to bring a swimsuit so we can go swimming at my apartment later. I didn't tell her this, but we're not going swimming. We're going to relax in the spa.


There is one thing in common in the three dates I've been on/will be on this weekend. All of the girls are professionals. Lu is getting her Ph.D. in Chemistry. Brenda owns a publishing business. Candi is getting her CPA and about to attend Graduate School. Note for others: If you are a professional, date professionals. Don't date a girl that isn't going anywhere in her life. This is very important as professional girls are looking for the same in their man.

This helps a lot in marriage too. Do you really want to give half your paycheck to a deadbeat?
 
Kalnos said:
Not having a job doesn't make you a deadbeat. Being a deadbeat makes you a deadbeat.
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I'm in Orange County. Not having a job is included in the likes with waitresses, hostesses, baristas, and the like.

They're not professionals. You'll just have to trust me on this. Too many people have been burned by marrying a girl that only makes $20K or less a year. If you yourself are in that income group, fine, date them! But if you're making 5 times that amount or more, then STAY AWAY!

Edit - Don't be a sugar daddy!


Edit 2 - A waitress that has no goals in her life, isn't going anywhere... is a deadbeat.
 
Kung Fu Grip said:
How did you get the opportunity to even sit down with them? Did you approach them, or they approached you?

Seems you have no fear of girls. :(
Click to expand...
I approach them directly (and don't hover/be seen before approaching). I adress the group as a whole with a question ('have you seen *describes self*...', 'I really like this place...', 'you ladies are up to no good...').
Smile and try to look kind/cool. My heart is pumping fast as hell but I'm all relaxed on the outside.

People aren't judging others as much as one might think. People are seeking social acceptance. Keep that in mind and it should help.
And even if you make a fool of yourself who cares. You are never going to be seeing these people again in your life. Even failing you will feel exhilarated for having tried.
 
Mully said:
May I add a list of do's and don't after a breakup? I've made most of these mistakes last year and I feel like recent threads have shown that people are making the same mistakes.

Guidelines:

- No contact. No FB, Twitter, Tumblr, Skype, etc.
- Reflect on what you can do to make yourself better/happier.
- Accept that it's over.
- Never have hope that things could change.
- Don't force yourself back into the game.
- Forget about the breakup/Don't tell everyone the breakup story.
- It's never meant to be even if you do get back together.
- Don't ever worry about what your ex is doing. That's their business.
- You don't owe your ex a thing, even if you made the mistake. Apologize and learn from it.
- Never try reading those Get Ex Back Secrets bs you see everywhere. It fucks you up even more.
- Never lie to yourself by saying you're not doing certain things for your ex.
- Don't read into things.
Click to expand...

We really need a Breakup-GAF thread. Seriously. It would help out a lot.
 
MiDNiGHTS said:
I need to build a more commanding presence. Seems like a lot of people I meet think I'm some kind of loser.
Click to expand...

I used to have this problem too. I always felt inferior to people even though I was doing a lot of great things no one knew about. Try to focus on your best qualities and begin to naturally highlight them while talking to others. Otherwise, you'll just push them away because you're not being genuine. You don't need to act like a staff sargaent to get a girl or friend. That "commanding presence" will come with experience and confidence in yourself and you can only gain that by know what you're good at.
 
Man said:
I approach them directly (and don't hover/be seen before approaching). I adress the group as a whole with a question ('have you seen *describes self*...', 'I really like this place...', 'you ladies are up to no good...').
Smile and try to look kind/cool. My heart is pumping fast as hell but I'm all relaxed on the outside.

People aren't judging others as much as one might think. People are seeking social acceptance. Keep that in mind and it should help.
And even if you make a fool of yourself who cares. You are never going to be seeing these people again in your life. Even failing you will feel exhilarated for having tried.
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Thanks!

Nah, you're just in your own little world there.
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The standards people have in this world truly disgust me.
 
Kung Fu Grip said:
Thanks!



The standards people have in this world truly disgust me.
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You guys haven't heard the horror stories. Listen to what divorced guys have to tell you. Frightening stuff. My dad's divorce costed him... well I don't know the exact amount, but it was WELL over 100K. He had to borrow from the house on more than one occasion just because of the divorce, and lived on negative income for 5 years. Five years! Working for 5 years, spending as little as you can, and watching your savings decrease.. and decrease... and decrease.

Until your car breaks and you have to borrow from the house, since that is cheaper than a car loan.

Every divorced man in the area has the same story. Well, the ones that didn't marry professionals.

Edit - Making $20K is almost as bad as making $0 here. Either way you're not making rent without outside help.
 
GAF, it's been a few months since I have gone out with a lady, perhaps some of you may remember I had a rough time with a girl I went on dates with didn't want a relationship with me due to my wheelchair. -_-

How do I get back into the swing of things
 
NT122 said:
GAF, it's been a few months since I have gone out with a lady, perhaps some of you may remember I had a rough time with a girl I went on dates with didn't want a relationship with me due to my wheelchair. -_-

How do I get back into the swing of things
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If I remember correctly you're a great fucking guy with an impeccable sense of fashion. Beyond that I don't remember much. Do you have many friends/family members?
 
NT122 said:
GAF, it's been a few months since I have gone out with a lady, perhaps some of you may remember I had a rough time with a girl I went on dates with didn't want a relationship with me due to my wheelchair. -_-

How do I get back into the swing of things
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Go to the bar in your wheelchair like a suave gentleman.
 
Mully said:
If I remember correctly you're a great fucking guy with an impeccable sense of fashion. Beyond that I don't remember much. Do you have many friends/family members?
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I am lucky enough to say that I do, now that I moved back to Texas!

SquiddyBiscuit said:
Go to the bar in your wheelchair like a suave gentleman.
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1118013_o.gif
 
NT122 said:
I am lucky enough to say that I do, now that I moved back to Texas!
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Awesome! I feel like you should be fine then. Realistically you're going to have a hard time finding a girl every night, but I feel like you won't have a hard time finding an awesome girl who's really into you. Just give it time and enjoy the company of friends. I always have a good night with the ladies after I have a ton of fun with my friends that same night.
 
Kung Fu Grip said:
I tried this tonight but i didn't actually go in anywhere. Still afraid of that part. What are some good bars in NY? I walked by one called the pub? Any others?

Also i let another attractive girl come and go. I had a reason though; there was other people on the train also. Are any of you able to talk to a girl with people around? Seems impossible. ha.
Click to expand...

As someone who lives in NY and is scared of going to bars alone, I share your sentiment. I made it one of my summer goals in fact.

As for some good bars, I'll recommend Valhalla on 54th and 9th; I've been there twice. In fact, I was just there on Friday night to meet up with a few Gaffers. It's a nice chill bar; the bartenders are attractive and cool. You can also go check out The Gaf on 48th between 10th and 11th avenue as well as The Pony Bar on 45th and 10th. It's thanks to the GAF meet ups that I know of these places. I suppose you could also check out Irish Exit on 54th and 3rd. There's also Upper East Side versions of The Pony Bar and The Gaf. You can also go check out Barcade in on Lorimer street in Williamsburg. There's a ton more places don't pop up at the moment but there are several NYC Gaffers (including myself) that lurk in this thread.

If you want, I'll be willing to tag along with you next time you decide to go out. I'm used to meeting Gaffers so it wouldn't be a problem. I'm usually downtown on Friday nights after 6, but I'm free practically the whole week while I apply for internships. Although disclaimer: I don't know how to wing man that well as I don't have much experience doing it. Number47 is NYC GAF's best wing man when it comes to talking to women at bars; I've been amazed by how easy it is for him to start a conversation with a group of people.

There's a ton of good advice here on how to talk to women at bars when alone. I will be taking notes, gather up some courage, and take the plunge next time I'm downtown with nothing to do.
 
SmokeMaxX said:
One thing I haven't really figured out- when you meet a girl for the first time are you supposed to go for the hug or the hand shake? The handshake seems weird and the hug seems too personal without knowing someone. This isn't dating specific and I'm asking in both a group setting and a 1 on 1 setting.
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I always go for the 3 kisses on the cheek.
 
I always do this when texting. I was texting this girl and everything is going well then I sent a social awkward penguin text. I reread it and I just this "wtf did I send that for?" and of course, I hear nothing back. It's almost like I'm more comfortable at the start of chatting or something.
 
Anastacio said:
And today my girlfriend's ex invited her (and me apparently) to an Asian party but we can't come as she's far away this week. I think it's totally normal for her to be really good friends with her exes and somehow I'm fine with it too but I can also feel inside of me a tiny bit of annoyance when "ex" is brought up again. I shouldn't be one to tell her who she can communicate with, it's just I can't help but feel a bit of annoyance.
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Don't let that slide.
 
MiDNiGHTS said:
I need to build a more commanding presence. Seems like a lot of people I meet think I'm some kind of loser.
Click to expand...
Working on yourself is never a bad idea and it's one of the few grinds that are fun :) Last night I seemingly stumbled upon some people talking shit about me and while it did hurt, it's also a great opportunity to move myself forward.
 
Man said:
I approach them directly (and don't hover/be seen before approaching). I adress the group as a whole with a question ('have you seen *describes self*...', 'I really like this place...', 'you ladies are up to no good...').
Smile and try to look kind/cool. My heart is pumping fast as hell but I'm all relaxed on the outside.

People aren't judging others as much as one might think. People are seeking social acceptance. Keep that in mind and it should help.
And even if you make a fool of yourself who cares. You are never going to be seeing these people again in your life. Even failing you will feel exhilarated for having tried.
Click to expand...

Great advice. Just what I needed to hear.

Mully said:
I used to have this problem too. I always felt inferior to people even though I was doing a lot of great things no one knew about. Try to focus on your best qualities and begin to naturally highlight them while talking to others. Otherwise, you'll just push them away because you're not being genuine. You don't need to act like a staff sargaent to get a girl or friend. That "commanding presence" will come with experience and confidence in yourself and you can only gain that by know what you're good at.
Click to expand...

Again. Kudos to you for this great advice.
 
I hate having to write this, but it's something I finally have to accept because it's something about myself I want to work on and get rid of:

I am a jealous moron.

Anytime a girl I'm dating and myself start talking about our relationship histories--people we've been with, people we've been serious with, things we've done sexually and with who, etc--I become intensely uncomfortable with hearing what my significant other has to say. Just can't stand the thought of someone I'm with having been with someone else, much less many other people. For example, my current girlfriend and I were having this conversation the other day, and she was telling me how she's only ever had one other boyfriend before, with all the other guys in her past just being people she would get drunk and sleep with, and would often go back to these same guys over and over (with overlap between them) just because she felt better doing it with guys she already knew than just bringing home randoms or something like that. And the whole time I'm just stupidly uncomfortable thinking about her being with a bunch of guys and having, in her words, "a minor slutty phase."

But I'm being a huge fucking hypocrite because I've been with a bunch of people too, with overlap between girls I was seeing, one night stands, affairs (not that I was the one who cheated but was with a girl who cheated on her boyfriend with me), etc. I've had my slutty phase too. And it's not like I want someone who is inexperienced anyway! That's WAY less fun than being with a girl who knows what she's doing. I don't think there's any real danger of her leaving me for one of these past guys, especially since she has made it clear that they were all basically assholes to some degree who didn't want anything from her but sex, but at the same time, having been cheated on and dumped a number of times in the past, I always feel really gun-shy about with what a current-girlfriend says about me in comparison to exes.

This kind of jealousy towards an s.o.'s exes has caused problems for me in the past, and although I've gotten better at handling over time and with each new relationship, it's still not something I feel confident about. I have a really good relationship going on right now and I don't want to fuck it up by being an asshole who's being jealous over nothing, but I can already feel that kind of insecurity bubbling in the back of my mind.

I know I'm not being rational, but I don't know how to stop it :\
 
Last night I used a line from Barney from HOMYM...

"Hey have you met my friend ____?"

And for fucks sake it worked. I felt like the best wingman ever. I've felt having a good wingman when picking up girls is very good, makes it all easier. Of course, it needs to be GOOD wingman, I've had some awful ones :P
 
By the way, I've been feeling better since I upped the dosage. I'm currently at my original dosage before I started my drawdown last November.

Although I think I need to switch to a longer lasting medication like Valium. But that's for another thread.

I'm still trying to decide whether to go casual or nice for the restaurant. Leaning towards casual... Harbor House sounds good.

Edit - original idea was Huntington Pier, but that will be waaay too crowded due to some event or something they're doing.
 
SlipperySlope said:
1. Can you please cut it with the sarcasm? 2. Like I said, I'll fix the problems myself. 3. I'm not going to use someone else as a crutch. 4. But that doesn't mean I have to be alone.
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1. it's for your own good :) 2. Are you really though? 3. But you kinda are, already. 4. Yes, it kinda does mean that. If you have issues of any kind, it's not fair at all to bring someone else down with the ship so to speak.
 
Minamu said:
1. it's for your own good :) 2. Are you really though? 3. But you kinda are, already. 4. Yes, it kinda does mean that. If you have issues of any kind, it's not fair at all to bring someone else down with the ship so to speak.
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These problems can take years to fix 100%. Are you really saying that being alone for years is a good thing? That I should degrade myself to forever-alone GAF?

I don't do hookups, so that would mean abstaining from sex. That wouldn't be a good thing for me mentally.
 
So, here's my monthly dating-age frustrated post. :P

It's been about 8 years since I had any kind of relationship and just a few girls here and there in that time that I've been with. It's been 4 long years without any action.

Part of that 8 years was more or less my demeanor and lack of confidence, but as of the last year or so I have really gotten more confident, got back into decent shape, and have been getting out and about more. I just continue to not have any luck at all. I talk to a lot of women, but I have yet to find one that seems the least bit interested in me, even just for going on a date. I rarely even get flirted with.

It really starts to mess with your head eventually. I don't let my frustration seep into my attitude when talking with women, etc, but I definitely am starting to get that "what the hell is wrong with me" thought bouncing around my head. I know that's something you don't want to have, but it's hard not to after this long.

Been on OKCupid and chatted a small bit with a few people, they eventually stopped responding after only a few messages.

Stuff just gets to you eventually. I'm sure you guys can empathize, but I'm just not sure what avenues to pursue anymore. I know a change of scenery would help, but I do like my current job. (I don't want to move just for the women issue, more of wanting to get out of my home state). I do have a few friends still in town too, but I would love to get out to Seattle or somewhere like that. Oddly, I seem to have more success any other city I visit, and none here. All the women I have met over the long 8 years have been from other cities. :P

Anyways, rant done. Just needed to clear my head!
 
Online dating is a fickle business. Everyone can attest to girls just disappearing in the middle of a conversation like that, myself included. It's even more annoying than those that don't respond at all. It's just the way it is, and it's rarely because of you. Maybe they found someone else to talk to, who knows. It's their problem, right?
 
Minamu said:
Online dating is a fickle business. Everyone can attest to girls just disappearing in the middle of a conversation like that, myself included. It's even more annoying than those that don't respond at all. It's just the way it is, and it's rarely because of you. Maybe they found someone else to talk to, who knows. It's their problem, right?
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Agreed for online dating. Just frustrating that I don't have luck in person even though I've gotten leagues better at getting out and talking to people.
 
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