how do you feel about this?
I personally hate it. It's like they want me to be a person I'm not really am and they love this abstract person and not me.
Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
- Start date
- Status
how do you feel about this?
I personally hate it. It's like they want me to be a person I'm not really am and they love this abstract person and not me.
I take it you need to find one who is willing not to put you through a longterm relationship that could be marriage. I just figure women will always do that so I accept it. Also my lack of experience suggest that if someone is asking the questions then it is a good sign she is interested in me.
She does (or did) want to be my friend, which is why I am puzzled by this recent activity. It matters because she lied to me and used me then. And I am a spiteful bitch and will tell that guy what really happened if true.
FO-totality
Poet Centuriate
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
He's right, though.
FO-totality
Poet Centuriate
Yes, he brings up some good points, I will admit to it, definitely stuff I have to think about and did make me question what I'm doing. But I am having mixed feelings because I said I still have concerns about her emotions in the matter. I am concerned for her emotional well-being. This isn't something I'm taking lightly. And frankly, I'm not welcoming to the tone he presents his case in.
That being said, I'm taking a leave of absence from this thread. I don't wanna dive in any farther into heated discussion here.
it's not like I'm against long-term relationships, I'm against being shoehorned into some image because that is what they want their man to be in order to date with him. I mean I'm ok with adjusting to habits, I can change my habits and lifestyle to accomodate another person but I'm talking more about personal traits here. How about accepting a person for what he/she is? Some big no-no's can be sniffed out in casual conversations on the first date/skype/some social service and so on. But after that you should either try to accept a person or dump him/her because pretending that he/she is somebody else or making him/her into somebody else is delusional and stupid.
NeOak
Member
People lie. And you are gonna send her a nuke because she unfriended you on fb?
Not worth it.
I think most guys can attest to that the "we can still be friends" or "I still want you as a friend" is often just a way to not hurt the guy's feelings after a breakup. Don't read into it as much.
I think I have a date tonight. My friend's co-worker messaged me on Facebook the other night saying we should go out for drinks sometime, so tonight's the night.
When I met her about a month ago she was married, I asked my buddy and "she just got divorced". So, if anything I'm a rebound??
Either way I'm a bit nervous for a few reasons:
1) I haven't been on a date in about a year.
2) The way she's talked, it sounds like she's DTF. Not to say that I'm not, but if she just wants a hookup, a virgin isn't your best option (she doesn't know that I am though).
When I met her about a month ago she was married, I asked my buddy and "she just got divorced". So, if anything I'm a rebound??
Either way I'm a bit nervous for a few reasons:
1) I haven't been on a date in about a year.
2) The way she's talked, it sounds like she's DTF. Not to say that I'm not, but if she just wants a hookup, a virgin isn't your best option (she doesn't know that I am though).
walking fiend
Member
1) From what it seems [if you are correct about her being DTF], it's already decided how your date will go; don't lose your confidence and unless you somehow do something pretty stupid, it will be good
For example, It's important that unless you are ask you don't tell her that you are a virgin, at least until you are down to it in the bed; even if she doesn't care,bringin it up yourself leaves an bad impression, as if you lack confidence or think you don't deserve it; be bold!
2) She is experienced and will teach you
It's usually a better experience when one is not a virgin; she may even find it cute It's not like your being virgin will hurt her; maybe if you had experience, she would enjoy it more, but there's really no way to tell; there's really no way to tell how much each of you will enjoy it before you are in bed, so it's fair not to let her knowI think go for it; at least if the next time you meet a virgin girl, you'll give her a better time than your with no experience version!
---
And my experience today: there was this unblieveable beauty I met while we were waiting to do some paperwork. We did a little bit of chat and she quickly got my attention, but since I am such a pessimist, I thought she'd refuse or at least be reluctant to share a means of contact solely based on the looks [I am 'thin' and don't look neat most of the time; basically, a very glaring difference in physical attraction] and thought it'll be even useless to ask.
However, it worked much easier than I thought and surprisingly she even showed excitment when I said we should stay in touch!
Point of anectode, be optimist and don't fear rejection, things can work in extremely unexpected ways!
You were bottompaged... don't take it personally. =P
I would advise against a promise ring. Or rings in general unless you are proposing. It just creates an awkward situation if she sees it and thinks you're proposing and is not ready, or if she hopes it's an engagement ring and it's not.. but that's just me. If you want to get her jewelery, get her a nice necklace or earrings if she wears them. I wouldn't go too fancy. If you're dead set on a promise ring, then go ahead. Just throwing in my 2 cents.
As for ideas of what to do, A fancy dinner is a good idea. Take her to a romantic french restaurant. Even if you've done that in past relationships, it shouldn't matter to her. If it does, there's something wrong with her.
I suspect, that no matter what you plan, she'll be happy as all she really cares about is to spend time with you and that you're thinking about her.
This. You really can do no wrong if she really likes you, especially for a 6 month anniversary, which is not a big deal.
I fully agree with you and my therapist what one needs to do is write down like 100 or things you want in an ideal woman. You will not find someone who matches everything but you could find someone that matches some of the things.
As for the women you date the same should. If they can't accept you for who you are then chances are they will dump you anyway. People need to stop trying to find the ideal mate. They can find someone who has 60-70% of what they want but not everything. One must ask herself "Can I deal with the 30% of a man that doesn't fit what I want?" If not then they should try to change him because they are asking for too much.
Jackben
bitch I'm taking calls.
Ha, I didn't realize. Damn you 50ppp GAF, get on my level (100ppp is where it's at).
Thanks guys. I'll look for some other nice jewelry and I plan to write a letter and put a bunch of notes around her apartment the night before I take her out to dinner. I appreciate the advice.
Keru_Shiri
Member
Alright GAF, I'm taking your advice and trying to smile more. I also reinstated my okcupid profile, and sent some messages out. Fingers crossed!
So I've had a weird couple of weeks. This wife of my friend who I rarely speak to anymore had trouble and they are not together anymore. Not sure if they are divorced but she moved back here. She liked a week old status and picture of me so she was creeping my Facebook. We've played on Xbox Live a few times too.
Anyway she messages me on there and gives me her number and says to text her. So I do. And mind you we went to the same high school and she was a grade below me.
We started talking and she told me through her sophomore and junior year she had a crush on me. First of all that's weird to know. You just don't think about that lol.
And secondly I don't talk to this friend from high school at all anymore. I think he moved back here too. But they are broken up. Should I not take this any further or is this fair game?
Anyway she messages me on there and gives me her number and says to text her. So I do. And mind you we went to the same high school and she was a grade below me.
We started talking and she told me through her sophomore and junior year she had a crush on me. First of all that's weird to know. You just don't think about that lol.
And secondly I don't talk to this friend from high school at all anymore. I think he moved back here too. But they are broken up. Should I not take this any further or is this fair game?
The Antitype
Banned
Ok, yeah, so a lot of you guys were right. I need to relax and let my ego take a back-seat a bit when it comes to dealing with women.
For whatever reason, I've started taking every little thing that happens personally. If a girl that I barely know doesn't get back to me, it's because she's making a judgment call about me. Nevermind whatever shit she could be doing in her own life. Me, me me.
It'll take work. I'm a naturally passionate person, I do everything in extremes. But last weekend one misinterpretation and a spiraling conversation later, and I missed out the chance to really get to know my prototype perfect woman. And last few times I've been 'meh, whatever, millions more to choose from', but the pattern combined with just how much I liked getting to know this girl before that was kind of a wake-up call.
Enough of this shit. I'm not insane. I'm not gonna keep doing the same things over and over and expect things to change.
If I can laugh in the face of fear-of-rejection and talk to any woman without any worry what the outcome can be, surely I get over the notion that everythign a woman I'm getting to know does is a reflection on me as a person.
For whatever reason, I've started taking every little thing that happens personally. If a girl that I barely know doesn't get back to me, it's because she's making a judgment call about me. Nevermind whatever shit she could be doing in her own life. Me, me me.
It'll take work. I'm a naturally passionate person, I do everything in extremes. But last weekend one misinterpretation and a spiraling conversation later, and I missed out the chance to really get to know my prototype perfect woman. And last few times I've been 'meh, whatever, millions more to choose from', but the pattern combined with just how much I liked getting to know this girl before that was kind of a wake-up call.
Enough of this shit. I'm not insane. I'm not gonna keep doing the same things over and over and expect things to change.
If I can laugh in the face of fear-of-rejection and talk to any woman without any worry what the outcome can be, surely I get over the notion that everythign a woman I'm getting to know does is a reflection on me as a person.
Be careful dude. If you care about this girl, you really need to not text her. Or tell her, please give me a month.
It sounds like you are doing fine, but you texting her back (or texting her first), really plays with her emotions.
Clean breaks at least for a month (honestly 2 or more), IMO are critical as to re-establish yourself.
But good luck.
Yeah man, I know. I appreciate the advice. I almost feel like it is the reverse and she is toying with my emotions since she broke up with me. We lived together and I am trying to pack up so I can move 300 miles back home so some sort of communication is necessary unfortunately. I am dreading and excited about hitting the road and leaving here for good on Thursday. I know that once I leave here I am going to have to completely shut off communication for a while. At least I'll be there for the weekend and my sister announced she'll be bringing friends out with us on Friday.
Ah, a difficult position. Guess it is not to be avoided in this situation. (Though if she is texting you just to chat...that is total BS...she broke up with YOU...I know I wouldn't want to be her "friend" right after a break up).
I like your plan! By the sound of it, you will be back on track in a matter of weeks.
Good work.
Devolution
Member
Promise ring sounds like too much. Just take her out for a really nice night.
Dude, go for it.
And then?
We didn't go back to her or my place together
We said we'd take that stuff a bit 'slower'.We're gonna go out again on Friday.
Ok guys,
Need to vent a little. Call this "therapy". I'm older than most of you (47). Had a couple of back to back negative experiences. Met two women on POF (this is where my problem is I think.) recently.
Woman #1: message a few times, tell her would like to meet in the real world for coffee, and she agrees gives me her number. Surprised at how quickly (maybe three messages tops). A few days later texted her that I was back in town, a just saying "hi" friendly text. She texts me back right away. Two texts total each way. Try calling her late the next day and leave a message. NOTHING. Waited three more days and tried texting her again. NOTHING.
Woman #2: Lots of messages online, really get to know and develop a rapport with this one. She tells me what a great sense of humor I have and that I make her smile!!!! Ask to talk on the phone, I get the "give me your number" routine. Reluctantly agree. Surprised that she actually called me a few days ago. Have a very fun conversation, about twenty minutes, and she burst out laughing several times. Said she had to go. Texted her today just telling her about my daughters bday (she knew already) and to have a great day. One text. Nothing. Now maybe I'm panicking but it seemed at least this one had some potential.
All I want to do is go out and meet these women for a cup of coffee. I tend to do really well once they see me and see how I interact. But I'm not having much luck lately. I honestly don't think I'm over texting or calling these women. Are these women just skittish or am I screwing up somehow? Or maybe this happens more often out there.
Need to vent a little. Call this "therapy". I'm older than most of you (47). Had a couple of back to back negative experiences. Met two women on POF (this is where my problem is I think.) recently.
Woman #1: message a few times, tell her would like to meet in the real world for coffee, and she agrees gives me her number. Surprised at how quickly (maybe three messages tops). A few days later texted her that I was back in town, a just saying "hi" friendly text. She texts me back right away. Two texts total each way. Try calling her late the next day and leave a message. NOTHING. Waited three more days and tried texting her again. NOTHING.
Woman #2: Lots of messages online, really get to know and develop a rapport with this one. She tells me what a great sense of humor I have and that I make her smile!!!! Ask to talk on the phone, I get the "give me your number" routine. Reluctantly agree. Surprised that she actually called me a few days ago. Have a very fun conversation, about twenty minutes, and she burst out laughing several times. Said she had to go. Texted her today just telling her about my daughters bday (she knew already) and to have a great day. One text. Nothing. Now maybe I'm panicking but it seemed at least this one had some potential.
All I want to do is go out and meet these women for a cup of coffee. I tend to do really well once they see me and see how I interact. But I'm not having much luck lately. I honestly don't think I'm over texting or calling these women. Are these women just skittish or am I screwing up somehow? Or maybe this happens more often out there.
the first red flag of online dating - everything is too easy. If she gives you a phone number really fast this means that she doesn't give a fuck really. Same goes for dates. If she agrees to meet too easily expect her not to come (well, she may come but there is a high chance that she won't).
this one might have kept you as an option but then she started dating somebody and her interest is gone. Also she may decided against meeting with you some time ago but kept the thing going. Or may be something turned her off.
Don't think about it!! Just try other women. Also I recommend going out. Dating sites may be your only option if you spend a lot of time there but they should be just another way to meet new people if you don't have time to spend 2+ hours per day there.
She seems a little pushy but going for it is absolutely fine. Who gives a shit about some dude from high school?
give them your number. dont chase them
the only communication you should be having is when you two are getting together. Stop the 20 minute phone convos. Stop with the meaningless texts, all they do is hurt you. Coffee is fine since you want to see if they actually look like their pics. Don't do the dinner/movie garbage. Let them initiate all the texts too.
don't ever rely on online as your sole way of meeting women.
Keru_Shiri
Member
Well, after a few days on okcupid, I finally got a response! I've got to say though, one of the main tips I read is to try and set up an actual date as quickly as possible, and that makes sense, but this has also backfired on me a couple of times. Any tips on segueing more smoothly into asking for a date (like, asking for a number instead) or is it just the luck of the draw?
stn
Member
Amusing story for you guys. Meet a girl through a friend, we become good friends. Distance is an issue but we actively stay in touch through Skype, MSN, and so forth. Roughly a year passes by and everything is exactly the same.
Suddenly she starts to chat less and begins giving one-word answers to questions I ask. One day I notice she has removed my Facebook without any reason why. Why am I telling you guys this? Because you should NEVER feel bad when you fail with a woman. Girls like this one are completely irrational and confused.
EDIT: Just to note, I don't mind that she deleted me at all. I never had any sexual interest in her. This post is just to document something recent that has happened to me, in the hope that someone here may find it informative.
Suddenly she starts to chat less and begins giving one-word answers to questions I ask. One day I notice she has removed my Facebook without any reason why. Why am I telling you guys this? Because you should NEVER feel bad when you fail with a woman. Girls like this one are completely irrational and confused.
EDIT: Just to note, I don't mind that she deleted me at all. I never had any sexual interest in her. This post is just to document something recent that has happened to me, in the hope that someone here may find it informative.
Lone_Prodigy
Member
Online dating is like climbing a ladder in terrible condition. On every rung there's a chance it'll just fall apart completely and you have to start from the bottom again. If you manage to get to the "top", there's another ladder waiting for you. This one is in slightly better shape. And so on and so forth.
All ladders are different though. Some you have to climb really fast since they're really fragile, while others are a little sturdier, but will still fall apart if you linger.
All ladders are different though. Some you have to climb really fast since they're really fragile, while others are a little sturdier, but will still fall apart if you linger.
the beauty of it is that you can climb 3 ladders at once
So, here's my problem. Probably going to get some flac for this, but it's worth an attempt.
My problem is similar to this post. Quick intro. I broke up with my ex last summer (didn't officially break up, but she started seeing another guy, long story, won't explain). I felt like crap obviously. Had a family reunion/ Diwali party in which a bunch of family friends in our community came together, and I got extremely drunk with family friends, one of which was being really flirty with me. It didn't really hit me. I actually thought she was related to me at first haha. It turns out though that our parents are really close (we both had no clue) and grew up here together before I was born.
Anyways, her and I talked a bit more. She's super nice, polite, had some good values, same interests etc etc. SO I start dating her. Here's the problem though. Even though we're dating, I still feel like something is stopping me from fully liking her. When I'm hanging out with her we cuddle, make out etc etc, but some things about us is bothering me. We don't argue or anything, and she pretty much agrees with everything I say.
Is it odd that:
a) I wanted a 'challenge' before we started dating.
b) I would like her to disagree with me sometimes
c) I can't stand the super-lovey-dovey talk (ie. 'baby!', 'muahz', etc).
d) I feel pressured to stay with her because I'm afraid of disappointing my parents. (who, if you know indian parents, are extremely pleased that I'm dating an indian girl [all previous girls were asian])
Technically this girl is perfect for me. So I'm trying to figure out if I'm just being an idiot or if I have a valid point for not being attracted to her.
My problem is similar to this post. Quick intro. I broke up with my ex last summer (didn't officially break up, but she started seeing another guy, long story, won't explain). I felt like crap obviously. Had a family reunion/ Diwali party in which a bunch of family friends in our community came together, and I got extremely drunk with family friends, one of which was being really flirty with me. It didn't really hit me. I actually thought she was related to me at first haha. It turns out though that our parents are really close (we both had no clue) and grew up here together before I was born.
Anyways, her and I talked a bit more. She's super nice, polite, had some good values, same interests etc etc. SO I start dating her. Here's the problem though. Even though we're dating, I still feel like something is stopping me from fully liking her. When I'm hanging out with her we cuddle, make out etc etc, but some things about us is bothering me. We don't argue or anything, and she pretty much agrees with everything I say.
Is it odd that:
a) I wanted a 'challenge' before we started dating.
b) I would like her to disagree with me sometimes
c) I can't stand the super-lovey-dovey talk (ie. 'baby!', 'muahz', etc).
d) I feel pressured to stay with her because I'm afraid of disappointing my parents. (who, if you know indian parents, are extremely pleased that I'm dating an indian girl [all previous girls were asian])
Technically this girl is perfect for me. So I'm trying to figure out if I'm just being an idiot or if I have a valid point for not being attracted to her.
I think it's your own issues. You might regret if you stop dating her.
Just my 2 cents.
Amusing story for you guys. Meet a girl through a friend, we become good friends. Distance is an issue but we actively stay in touch through Skype, MSN, and so forth. Roughly a year passes by and everything is exactly the same.
Suddenly she starts to chat less and begins giving one-word answers to questions I ask. One day I notice she has removed my Facebook without any reason why. Why am I telling you guys this? Because you should NEVER feel bad when you fail with a woman. Girls like this one are completely irrational and confused.
EDIT: Just to note, I don't mind that she deleted me at all. I never had any sexual interest in her. This post is just to document something recent that has happened to me, in the hope that someone here may find it informative.
Again, it's what I've been saying this whole time. She's not "irrational and confused", she met someone. That's all. Healthy, sane women that don't need ego boosts and attention don't keep male friendship once they meet someone they are happy with. Most of the time.
Keru_Shiri
Member
My issue is that many of the local ladders have kids already. I wonder if there are as many single dads that use these sites as there are moms.
alexthekid
Member
So I met this cute lovely girl this last weekend, one problem though, she is 18! and I am 24. It feels like shit, I am equally afraid of her not being mature enough(got the feeling), being in another phase of her life and people thinking that it is strange. I have always cared way to much about what other people think but can't stop.
stn
Member
Understood but I wouldn't say it applies to my case. I've been friends and nothing more with her for a year. And in that time she's dated guys (supposedly) and still kept talking to me. I also doubt she went ahead and deleted every male friend of hers.
Like I said, irrational and confused. It'd make sense if we fucked or had some intimate connection beyond friendship, but we didn't.
nobody else cares about 24/18
alexthekid
Member
Should I care though? I'm about to finish Uni and she haven't even finished high school:/
So like usual dating then?
edit: sorry, misunderstood you.
I personally prefer women with kids. The best kind of women.
I mean, if you aren't feeling it, you aren't feeling it, but I would take a very long hard look before you break this off. Talk to her about some of these things (but not that you aren't attracted).
Keru_Shiri
Member
Would you care to elaborate? Genuinely curious, since the idea of dating someone with a child already seems kind of off-putting, but I'm open to advice.
- Status