Perspicacity
Banned
Okay yeah, I'm dumb.
Advice received.
Advice received.
Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
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Devolution
Member
No reason why you can't be acquaintances but friendship will be easier once both of you have moved on if the split was amicable enough. Hanging around the person probably makes them either hopeful or feel awkward/like shit. I was okay with the ex after the break up but it was all very tense and uncomfortable for him I could tell.
Its going to be hard for you too. If you have to tell her what you are doing..tell her...but that's it.
I mean...zero contact.
Perspicacity
Banned
The split was very amicable, but yeah I won't even consider contacting her until I know she's well moved on. It just feels very strange that she went from most important person in my life to not being in my life at all.
I guess I just had not yet adjusted to that idea.
Bud, you just ended it yesterday!
You're going to feel weird for a while. Just know that.
Exactly this.
You are going to want to contact her...
She is going to contact you.
Be ready for it.
Devolution
Member
It takes a while. I broke up with my ex of 8 years last year. Bed felt empty. I would remember things just by looking at somewhere in a room. It takes a lot of adjustment time. There were times I felt guilty but I know I did the right thing because we weren't moving forward. I even cried a little because it's a loss but I'm much happier now and he's moving on to interesting projects. We check on each other every once and a while.
I have a quick a word of advice for anyone who's still in college and struggles to talk to people: keep an open mind to doing things that you think you might be interested in doing; you simply don't know because you haven't tried it. Also, if you want to say something to say an attractive girl in your class then say it; your life isn't going to end if you stay quiet but you will regret it. I said hi to a few girls that walked through the hall way simply because I can. I'm planning on applying to be a Senior student government senator despite never having thought about doing it in the past; I scoffed at the idea. But here I am, eager to meet new people and take more social risks this semester. I'm going to keep doing this.
For instance, today I went to some recreational event during my break before a class. I talked to two attractive women; the event organizers as I was the only person that bothered showing up (with a little encouragement/push from a friend before he left to his meeting). I had fun conversing with them and kicking a soccer ball around and playing dodge ball later on. It made me feel more comfortable talking to women. I think I hit off well with them. My other friend that I was with would end up coming much later, but again, I didn't feel nervous/anxious.
There's another event in 2 weeks so I'll be going to that. Plus the younger event organizer is pretty cute; I briefly flirted with her earlier when she gave my friend and I the flier. I even high fived her earlier, and shook the older one's hand (she's 30) when I had to leave to class. Not so much when I overhead them talking about a cute neighbor that she was eying.
Later that day I noticed that halls were empty. After several minutes of looking for around for someone who was willing to listen (including an attractive girl who I sat next to with the intent of asking her; she left before I encouraged myself to ask her), I saw an attractive girl fired off "Can I ask you a question" "Sure." "Why are the hallways so empty? Is it a holiday or something?" "I don't know it's so weird." "Thanks for answering my question. It wasn't a survey or anything. I just wanted to ask." She smiled and walked off; that boosted my confidence.
Remember guys, you don't have to talk to every girl with the intention of getting her number. Simply talk to them just to talk and if you feel things are going well, then go for her number. Do it because you think she's a cool person not because "I HAVE TO GET GIRLS' NUMBERS BEFORE THE END OF THE SEMESTER OTHERWISE I WILL BE FOREVER ALONE AGAIN!" Practice makes perfect. Keep a positive attitude, look good, and talk to people; it will boost your confidence.
For instance, today I went to some recreational event during my break before a class. I talked to two attractive women; the event organizers as I was the only person that bothered showing up (with a little encouragement/push from a friend before he left to his meeting). I had fun conversing with them and kicking a soccer ball around and playing dodge ball later on. It made me feel more comfortable talking to women. I think I hit off well with them. My other friend that I was with would end up coming much later, but again, I didn't feel nervous/anxious.
There's another event in 2 weeks so I'll be going to that. Plus the younger event organizer is pretty cute; I briefly flirted with her earlier when she gave my friend and I the flier. I even high fived her earlier, and shook the older one's hand (she's 30) when I had to leave to class. Not so much when I overhead them talking about a cute neighbor that she was eying.
Later that day I noticed that halls were empty. After several minutes of looking for around for someone who was willing to listen (including an attractive girl who I sat next to with the intent of asking her; she left before I encouraged myself to ask her), I saw an attractive girl fired off "Can I ask you a question" "Sure." "Why are the hallways so empty? Is it a holiday or something?" "I don't know it's so weird." "Thanks for answering my question. It wasn't a survey or anything. I just wanted to ask." She smiled and walked off; that boosted my confidence.
Remember guys, you don't have to talk to every girl with the intention of getting her number. Simply talk to them just to talk and if you feel things are going well, then go for her number. Do it because you think she's a cool person not because "I HAVE TO GET GIRLS' NUMBERS BEFORE THE END OF THE SEMESTER OTHERWISE I WILL BE FOREVER ALONE AGAIN!" Practice makes perfect. Keep a positive attitude, look good, and talk to people; it will boost your confidence.
johnny_park
Member
This is going to sound shallow but has anyone ever dated someone that used to be overweight? There's this girl that likes me she seems super cool and she is quite attractive. I just concerned what her body/skin looks like after losing so much weight (I know I'm being shallow).
Being in the situation myself (weightloss) I can say that it won't look all that nice, but perhaps better than you expect. It depends how much she lost.
It's something I worry about, so I would advise to not bring it up at all with her. It's something that I'm intellectually proud of, but still worry about.
Also - skin can be cut off.
Well still making no progress over here.
It's frustrating because it's really killing how much I'm enjoying my senior year.
I wish you all could see me IRL to give me some feedback on what the hell I'm doing wrong because I don't have the faintest idea. Somewhere between getting a number/info and actually setting up a date/meet, everything just falls apart. It's like women just don't want to be with me. Like...I'd be ecstatic just to have a date right now.
I'd ask my friends IRL, but they* really don't believe me when I tell them I'm not all that great with women. On the outside I look like I have it all together. Funny, fit, smart, nice, talkative, dress/groom well, etc. I honestly don't know what's not to like. Somehow it just doesn't translate well to generating an attraction. Last time I posted about myself I mentioned how good it felt to actually get some compliments on my appearance from the women in my classes. Lot of good that did.
I just feel like I'm batting out of my league and the women I'm after just aren't interested in me. It's only lately that its really started to crack my confidence because I just feel like there's something wrong with me and I have no idea how to fix it or even where to begin.
*Well my 2 roommates would believe it, but I honestly don't think they could give me good advice.
It's frustrating because it's really killing how much I'm enjoying my senior year.
I wish you all could see me IRL to give me some feedback on what the hell I'm doing wrong because I don't have the faintest idea. Somewhere between getting a number/info and actually setting up a date/meet, everything just falls apart. It's like women just don't want to be with me. Like...I'd be ecstatic just to have a date right now.
I'd ask my friends IRL, but they* really don't believe me when I tell them I'm not all that great with women. On the outside I look like I have it all together. Funny, fit, smart, nice, talkative, dress/groom well, etc. I honestly don't know what's not to like. Somehow it just doesn't translate well to generating an attraction. Last time I posted about myself I mentioned how good it felt to actually get some compliments on my appearance from the women in my classes. Lot of good that did.
I just feel like I'm batting out of my league and the women I'm after just aren't interested in me. It's only lately that its really started to crack my confidence because I just feel like there's something wrong with me and I have no idea how to fix it or even where to begin.
*Well my 2 roommates would believe it, but I honestly don't think they could give me good advice.
One of my classmates from last year whom I've never hung out with but usually talked everyday to each other in class recently said we should go for lunch. Now, I like this girl, she's cool and all, but not as like dating material. Just as a friend.
Anyway I accepted her invitation to lunch and so I was wondering whether I should pay for the lunch or pay for half? I'm thinking I should just pay for it, but what's GAF's opinion?
Anyway I accepted her invitation to lunch and so I was wondering whether I should pay for the lunch or pay for half? I'm thinking I should just pay for it, but what's GAF's opinion?
I just can't take anymore. I feel so disrespected and not heard at all. I GOT to show myself respect and myself some more love. I really have no passion or feelings in this anymore.
And I have always had what you guys told me earlier behind my ear and it have been something I have thought hard about and you're absolutely right. This relationship is not destined for anything. This does not feel like a relationship at all anymore.
I just really have to break up in a calm way but it's also hard not to show feelings as I feel so hurt and disrespected. How should I break up?
She have one huge and heavy box here at my place, I'm thinking of picking her up and then talk to her and tell her it's not gonna be her and me, and then offer her my help to bring her box to her place. Does that sound alright? Or should she just do it herself?
I also don't plan to have a friendship afterward. Seeing how she says stuff to her exes just to please them and not disappoint them, I don't wanna be on the receiving end of that, so friendship is not an option in my book.
And I have always had what you guys told me earlier behind my ear and it have been something I have thought hard about and you're absolutely right. This relationship is not destined for anything. This does not feel like a relationship at all anymore.
I just really have to break up in a calm way but it's also hard not to show feelings as I feel so hurt and disrespected. How should I break up?
She have one huge and heavy box here at my place, I'm thinking of picking her up and then talk to her and tell her it's not gonna be her and me, and then offer her my help to bring her box to her place. Does that sound alright? Or should she just do it herself?
I also don't plan to have a friendship afterward. Seeing how she says stuff to her exes just to please them and not disappoint them, I don't wanna be on the receiving end of that, so friendship is not an option in my book.
Respect is huge in a relationship. If you don't feel you're receiving it you have to do what's best for yourself, you're right.
No sense in sticking around in a miserable situation when you can break free and find something better.
Sounds like you have it figured out, good luck and stay strong!
But the problem is, how should I break up?
Should I bring her to my place and then tell her I can't be with her anymore, and then offer to bring her huge box with stuff to her place? Because we had agreed that she should come to my place later.
Also, the next time I date, it's gonna be a local girl from Denmark, not somebody from Asia who's only here temporarily.
Should I bring her to my place and then tell her I can't be with her anymore, and then offer to bring her huge box with stuff to her place? Because we had agreed that she should come to my place later.
Also, the next time I date, it's gonna be a local girl from Denmark, not somebody from Asia who's only here temporarily.
Already have that box ready to go.
Don't be on anyone's home turf. (Just my opinion on that).
Do the deed. Be ready for anything. Tell her that you will drop the box off at her place.
And be done...It will be hard, but be done with it.
Only pay for your food. it isnt a date!
So I should just go there with the box right now and call her to tell I can't be with her?
I think that box is too heavy for me to get downstairs and then outside into the car. =/
This sounds like a good plan to me.
If you can't change the location and it has to be at your home, so be it. But definitely have that box ready to go, you don't want her moping around the house collecting her stuff or whatever.
Edit: No he's not saying you should not do it in person. He's saying if you can do it somewhere neutral, like a coffee shop or something that's probably better than doing it at your home or her home. But it's not the end of the world if you do it at one of those places.
I have already packed all of her stuff and I'm trying to get the box downstairs.
I don't think I can break her up at a neutral place because of the box. =/
So the plan is:
I call her, tell her I can't be with her. Then I bring the box to her place.
- And if I can't get the box downstairs and into the car, then I pick her up as planned, tell her I can't be with her anymore here at my place and then offer to help her get the box to her place. If she don't want that, then it's her's, at least the box is outside my place.
Also, what about the things she have given me? Should I just throw them out right away without thinking about? It's just also hard to just let go like that.
I don't think I can break her up at a neutral place because of the box. =/
So the plan is:
I call her, tell her I can't be with her. Then I bring the box to her place.
- And if I can't get the box downstairs and into the car, then I pick her up as planned, tell her I can't be with her anymore here at my place and then offer to help her get the box to her place. If she don't want that, then it's her's, at least the box is outside my place.
Also, what about the things she have given me? Should I just throw them out right away without thinking about? It's just also hard to just let go like that.
could you split her stuff into two boxes and then just make two trips to your car? I wouldn't recommend breaking up at your place because you don't have control over leaving if things get dicey. If you have to, then fine.. it's not the end of the word.
Also, good on you for standing up for yourself. She was walking all over you and respect is everything. Did she do something else recently besides all that you mentioned?
Just know that when you return the box of stuff, its likely going to be ANOTHER conversation. I was trying to suggest something that would help curb that.
Don't call her. Do it in person. If she hasn't don't anything awful to her, you owe her that.
Absolutely this.
Perspicacity
Banned
Does she have a friend that you could arrange to have pick up the box?
Going through this myself, that's the route I (eventually) chose to take and it seems like the most humane.
Going through this myself, that's the route I (eventually) chose to take and it seems like the most humane.
She texted her ex here in Denmark that she miss him but then she explained to me that it was a missend. But I saw, that she also told him that she miss the memories they have together and she erased all of the messages but I had taken a scree-cap of it on my Mac.
I also really don't understand why she have to flirt with strangers on the Internet and check yet another dating site I saw she is active at. It's okay with me, that she replies and text back to others, guys or girls I don't care, but not the way she have been replying.
I will tell her in person. But I'm actually thinking of asking her if we should head for the city tonight, and then tell her there. Then I could bring the box to her later. But I don't know where, I wouldn't break her up at a bar, where could we go, so it's a neutral place?
Also, I got 45 minutes until we need to meet.
I see where you're coming from and totally understand. Unfortunately I don't have any boxes here and I would have to split it all up in at least 10 plastic bags.
That's a dead end. They are outside of the city.
Head to the city? Does that require a long awkward ride back?
As I said man, all this is just IMO, and certainly not some bible to doing this. Id go somehwere semi-private, where yall can talk without being overheard, and have some privacy. That said, when its done, you both can walk out. Try and minimize awkwardness.
Godspeed man.
The problem is, that she gets very offensive when I try explaining or even telling her anything. She will talk louder than me so I can't get a word in. One of those things that make me feel not heard by her in the relationship.
And yeah, it takes a 30 minute drive actually, maybe we shouldn't head for the city. It's also 10 at night now.
Maybe I should just tell her, that instead of going to my place, that I would like to talk with her, just some meters away from her place. Then if she gets offensive, I can drive home.
I think this is the plan:
01) Tell her not to ready anything, that I will just come by.
02) Then we talk and I tell her I can't be with her.
03) Of course I bring the box with me, and leave it at her place.
04) I drive home.
In fact, I don't even think I should explain to her why I were hurt or why I can't be with her. Just drop by, leave the box and tell her I can't do this anymore and go home.
Yeah?
Omegasquash
Member
Anastacio: From what I'm reading, you're doing the right thing. Fill plastic bags, do whatever. Just haul ass, man.
Etrian Oddity
Member
I actually was about to make a post like this, after spending some time musing on it. Excellent write-up.
That's one of the reasons why I push myself to talk to at least two new girls every day. Get yourself in that rhythm.
I'm still trying to pinpoint what my weakness is, however. I'm seeing that I'm great at opening with girls and/or chit-chat, for the most part. Naturally, when I'm a smartass it goes over better, so that seems to be the road to follow. I just can't find any chemistry with people, though. I keep wanting to think it's because of my weight and ginger appearance, but I know that guys uglier and fatter than me have girls. There's something about me that fails to give off a sexual vibe even when I try.
Still trying to find out what the problem is.
vicissitudes
Banned
Anastacio are you really asking for step-by-step instructions on how to break up with someone? Just freaking tell her, it doesn't really matter where. Then drop the box off whenever.
Yeah ok, I'll just get it over with.
Here's hoping I'll be fine in a short time. At least I'm gonna look at a new apartment this week and I got some great new buddies at school.
Anyway, I also want to thank all the people who were "aggressive" at me those weeks ago, cause that was what were needed for me to really think things through and look at myself and our relationship.
Here's hoping I'll be fine in a short time. At least I'm gonna look at a new apartment this week and I got some great new buddies at school.
Anyway, I also want to thank all the people who were "aggressive" at me those weeks ago, cause that was what were needed for me to really think things through and look at myself and our relationship.
I like this plan. Its clean and gives you control of the situation.
Im here...This is over...Im out...here is your stuff...Drive off.
Done.
We are all pulling for you.
Im gonna go there and say we're done in about 15 minutes. But I can't get the box in the car, so I'm gonna ask my friend to help me carry it tomorrow, so I will just drop the box off at her place tomorrow without us meeting again. It's alright.
She don't trust me when I change my Facebook password, cause I did that, because she suddenly told me she is thinking about going to Sweden tomorrow instead of having the week together as we planned, also I have lost my trust in her, it's simple. I also don't think we should have access to one another's Facebook and trust shouldn't be based on Facebook but she insist and I don't want a relationship were Facebook is heavily involved.
She also explains, that she go to the dating sites when we had argued, but only this time we hadn't argued. I also don't trust her when some random guy in Sweden knows which town she is going to, and I'll never forget the day some guy from OKCupid called her and she answered while we did the good stuff.
F*ck it, I don't wanna think about it. I have one aim right now and that is to man up and break it off in a good way with no drama.
Im gonna go there and say we're done in about 15 minutes. But I can't get the box in the car, so I'm gonna ask my friend to help me carry it tomorrow, so I will just drop the box off at her place tomorrow without us meeting again. It's alright.
That will work.
Good luck man!!!!! Stay strong and stand up for yourself. Sounds like you were kicked around a little bit.
Edit: Kicked around alot.
You deserve better. You will feel better about yourself.
Omegasquash
Member
She goes to dating sites when you argue, but wants to monitor your FB? Son, fuck this girl. You're better off without her. Professionally (heh) I recommend being a gentleman. Personally, the farther you can figuratively kick her to the curb, the better. At least that way you won't have to get your hands dirty.
Omegasquash
Member
Stir fry. Fresh green and red peppers, a little broccoli, sugar snap peas and whatever meat you want to add. A little garlic, some teriyaki, some soy...shit is easy and cheap.
Look at basic fettichini (sp, I know) alfredo sauces. Usually 1 cup cream, one stick of butter and parmesean. (But google it first...but thats usually close).
Get some grilled chicken to put in there.
Throw a few mushrooms in there for texture...maybe a few peas.
Ask a wine guy for a solid white wine to go with it.
Buy a loaf of french bagette (sp). Its the classic french bread.
A few candles.
If you are trying to show off, do some sort of choclate with a red wine, but if not that...get some sort of desert you didn't get out of a plastic box.
Probably cost you around 30-40 bucks with wine....
Its easy and you will knock it out of the park.
You got this! Stand your ground.
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