Well, if that's what you believe and that's the life you want, I'm not going to stop you
It doesn't have to be that way but as long as you believe that, you'll keep on reinforcing it.
Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
- Start date
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It doesn't have to be that way but as long as you believe that, you'll keep on reinforcing it.I certainly hope so. I opened it up for about 10 seconds and it was instantly giving me a headache. Not interested in messing around with that stuff at all
Bucket-o-roadkill
Member
I agree with your thinking 100%, this particular date ended with us leaving a restaurant after having a meal, taking her back to her place and us both arranging to meet again in the near future. I then get home to a text from her saying she enjoyed the evening.. I have yet to hear from her since.
Well done man and good luck! It's actually these kinds of situations that'll make it all much easier in the future. Also, on those few date don't forget that you're also trying her out, it's not just her that wants to test you. So go into them with that mindset. See how things work and all... and basically don't try too hard to impress.
Things like that happen. I'd say give her a call, see what's up. If nothing move on and try to find someone else.
Best thing to do is go somewhere where you can chat or have fun and interact. (i.e Do NOT go to a movie)
Then just start talking about... anything. Ask some introductory questions and dig further from there and hope the conversation grows organically. If it doesn't, then there might be some problems. I had a date like that, it was basically me asking her stuff with one-two word answers. :\
Depends, really. You can go for a coffee, grab a dinner or lunch together, some people even go to the cinema or watch a dvd. There's a bunch of other stuff as well you can do. Basically anything where it's just you and the person you're pursuing together without any other people. The goal is to get to know the other person, see if you 'click' and if you have a good time. You can talk about anything at all, really.
After having had a long relationship end earlier this summer I consider myself in the dating business again. Just feel that it's pretty alien and I really don't know how to go about.
Probably look around on some dating sites but I'm not the person who go to a multitude of dates but rather get to know them a bit beforehand to see if I'd even be interested in seing them. Ahh well, I'm not in a hurry but just wanted to check in here. The thread will have another follower from now on.
Probably look around on some dating sites but I'm not the person who go to a multitude of dates but rather get to know them a bit beforehand to see if I'd even be interested in seing them. Ahh well, I'm not in a hurry but just wanted to check in here. The thread will have another follower from now on.
I honestly don't get how that works. How do people get to know one another one on one without it sounding like a job interview? Or does it usually sound like a job interview before you find some sort of common ground? That just sounds like it would just be really awful. But then I guess that would be a sign you're not connecting? I'm assuming we're talking about people you hardly know or don't know at all really?
MoGamesXNA
Unconfirmed Member
That's great news mate. Good luck
Don't you ever get to know someone new? A date is pretty much the same thing. I'm sure you've had some sort of conversation like this, say some random person you've met at a party. Just a new person to get to know, not someone you're sexually interested in:
- Hey, I'm Bob.
Oh, hey. I'm Steve.
- So, do you know the host?
No, I'm Kate's boyfriend, she knows the host.
- Cool! I went to class with Kate
Really? How long ago?
- All through high-school
Wow. Was she much different then?
- No, not really. She was always like this. We actually all went out and saw V for Vendetta when it came out
Nice. Did you know Hugo Weaving was V??
- Wow. I had no idea.
I know! I really noticed it when he was wearing that suit near the end. It was like seeing Smith
- I thought the same thing! I never connected them!
I really love Weaving. Well, I don't really remember him in LoTR, but everything else he's done is pretty fantastic
- You don't rem.. you're not a LoTR fan?
Not really
- How can you not be?! It's like the best trilogy ever
I'd say Matrix was! I liked the books better anyway
- That's such a standard answer.
Bam. You're talking. Doesn't sound like a job interview, does it?
It's essentially the same thing when you date someone. It's only the question of "breaking the ice" - getting that first topic up that everything rolls from. You'll get to know everything you want, because you'll track the convo the way you want. And if there's a small break, you can just throw in a question like "where did you grow up?" - and there's a whole new 2 hours convo there. Say I said that to my current girlfriend when I met her, she'd say she's from a farm in the middle of no where. How can you NOT talk about that for hours on end?
Through most of high school I had close groups of friends and we met new people was by dragging randoms into our conversations. I have since moved and come to the realization that I have no idea how to start conversations with people without several other people I know around me. I met all of my girlfriends in a mutual group of friends and never really went on a date with any of them. So the whole concept is pretty foreign to me. When I go to parties if I don't know more than one person I have literally no idea how to strike a conversation. The farm example you gave, I have no idea where to go from there other than something mildly offensive like how it must smell like shit. By the way I have been in college for 3 years so it's not like it's my freshmen year either.
I'm an expert
Formerly worldrevolution. The only reason I am nice to anyone else is to avoid being banned.
Only at a gafer's imaginary party do two strangers talk about elves and The One. =P
But seriously, having a conversation is about genuinely having interest in someone else. When I meet other parents, who are the majority of my friends nowadays, I want to know about them and their experiences. As a student or just a young person, you should want to know how others view and pursue their lives - whether it's school or hobbies or their occupation, travels, politics, whatever. If you don't, well, you end up like the majority of introverts here.
But seriously, having a conversation is about genuinely having interest in someone else. When I meet other parents, who are the majority of my friends nowadays, I want to know about them and their experiences. As a student or just a young person, you should want to know how others view and pursue their lives - whether it's school or hobbies or their occupation, travels, politics, whatever. If you don't, well, you end up like the majority of introverts here.
Sanky Panky
Banned
Are there any subjects or topics you are genuinely interested in? How do you go about learning about those subjects? do you dig around the internet? do you read a book?
Getting to know someone is the same thing. What makes us human is that we have aspirations, values, likes, dislikes, bad/good experiences. In a successful date, you show genuine interest for that person, not because you are trying to say all the right things, but because you want to see if this person could be a good partner for you.
An easy way to go is to ask about work. Ask if that's what they always wanted to do, why or why not, if they were rich already what would they do, why, etc. She may say things you can relate to, so you can pitch in with your own experiences. If there is no common ground, no harm done. There is no match. You don't want to force conversation, if this is the person you plan to be with.
As long as your interest is genuine, and you are not just throwing out questions to fill time, she will notice.
Deadly Cyclone
Pride of Iowa State
Least you get to the date. I have had great conversations with two or three women on dating sites, messaging well and everything is looking awesome. I decide that I'll ask them out after they reply back....and then they never reply back again.
I have no idea what happens, but it's like they up and disappear after having great conversation back and forth.
Frustrating as hell. I haven't been on a date in years, but this makes it impossible.
Only an insane person or a scientist would repeat the same patterns and expect a different result. Stop asking them on dates is obviously the right answer here. Instead mention how you're doing something cool and if they are intrigued, they can tag along. It works because no one else does it.
Edit: I see the irony in the first statement
Edit: I see the irony in the first statement
I see that everyone here gets on dates, whatever the result turns to be. My problem is the previous step: meeting the girl in the first place. A common answer here is "go out and meet new people", but I really have a problem with that: I don't know what to do, I don't know how or where to meet new people, how to make myself interesting, how to start talking to them and all that. I feel as antisocial as one can get, and I hate being like that. I've only been in "something" with one girl in my whole life, last year, and I met her on an internet forum. Still don't know how I managed to get her attention, I had luck I guess (which has since ran out). But when it comes to real life, I can't approach anybody, nor feel any confidence at all. I feel such a loser, and that I'll be alone and depressed for the rest of my life.
I decided to start going to the gym this summer (winter for you Northern Emispherers), when I have 3 months of holidays from university, but outside of that there's nothing I feel I can do. I don't know if I'm looking for an answer here or what, think I just wanted to let it out.
I decided to start going to the gym this summer (winter for you Northern Emispherers), when I have 3 months of holidays from university, but outside of that there's nothing I feel I can do. I don't know if I'm looking for an answer here or what, think I just wanted to let it out.
Omegasquash
Member
A nice trick is to get them talking. People won't want to listen about you (initially), but they'll talk about themselves for hours. To use that farm example, literally all that you need to do is say "wow, I grew up in city/suburb/military brat...what was the day to day like on a farm? I imagine it must have been some hard work/fun/whatever!"
You can easily get 30 minutes of conversation out of that, or damn near anything. It's all about asking questions, and active listening.
I'm an expert
Formerly worldrevolution. The only reason I am nice to anyone else is to avoid being banned.
It's hard to give you advice because we don't know exactly where you live or your situation. You do say you're at school, so you do have a lot of options. There are clubs/events/places where people gather, no? The library? A cafeteria or restaurant? A local bar people go to? Benches or an area people hang out at? The gym? The first step is to actually go to those places, the next step is to actually put in the effort to start a conversation with someone. Why not make some guy friends first? Strike up a convo with someone in a class, at the gym, studying something similar, whatever. Try and get a social circle going where you have options.
When I was in college I commuted, but I probably spent more time at the dorms than people who lived there. After class I'd always go back with girls or guys from class, hang out with them in their rooms or lounges, make study/party dates with them on or off campus. I know most people usually curse commuting but it was the best for me. Being the guy with the car opened up a ton of opportunities, especially with the ladies, and in the end you actually get to go home and have your own life. =P
sound healing. look it up.
I certainly hope so. I opened it up for about 10 seconds and it was instantly giving me a headache. Not interested in messing around with that stuff at all
headaches are your brain releasing toxins. Just drink water and it'll pass
the only people trolling are the ones who bring their limiting beliefs in here.
I live in Argentina (South America for those who failed Geography class). I'm not at school actually, here university happens after high school, usually between 18/19 and 25 (I'm 21). There are many bars and clubs here, but my friends don't usually go there, and I don't see myself going alone. I'd love to know how to start a conversation, but I'm afraid of looking like a creep or something like that. And bear in mind that universities in my country aren't like the American ones with dorms and all that, they're just like high schools. That is, you go there to attend your daily class (or classes) for 4 or 5 hours and then you go home.
Another thing I didn't say about me is that I'm extremely shy, and have pretty low self-esteem. That's why I don't know how you manage to sit at a cafeteria and start talking to someone, specially when they're minding their own business.
Pollux
Member
So I was supposed to go out with this girl tonight. We went out for drinks on Sunday and it went well and we made plans to go out to a wings place tonight to watch a football game and have wings. Last night I text her asking if we were still on and she asks me if we can change plans and go to a wine tasting instead. We talk on the phone for around 15 minutes about the wine tasting, joke with each other, seemed to be pretty relaxed. She talked about how excited she was and told me to send her my email and she would forward me information about the tasting.
I send her my email and this morning she forwards me the information. I text her an hour later asking about a detail and she says that she's super sorry but she can't do anything tonight because she just got a ton of work dumped on her and has to make a presentation tomorrow.
I ask her if she still wants to go to this event downtown on Sunday. She says she does and that she's really sorry about canceling on such short notice.
Is this thing dead or should I stay in touch with her for Sunday. In her defense I canceled on her the day of on what was supposed to be our first date. Our first date was then this past Sunday.
What does GAF think?
I send her my email and this morning she forwards me the information. I text her an hour later asking about a detail and she says that she's super sorry but she can't do anything tonight because she just got a ton of work dumped on her and has to make a presentation tomorrow.
I ask her if she still wants to go to this event downtown on Sunday. She says she does and that she's really sorry about canceling on such short notice.
Is this thing dead or should I stay in touch with her for Sunday. In her defense I canceled on her the day of on what was supposed to be our first date. Our first date was then this past Sunday.
What does GAF think?
Omegasquash
Member
Go for Sunday dude...sometimes work gets in the way. It's reality.
Pollux
Member
Yea I know, I just had this feeling that something like this was going to happen. This girl is easily the most beautiful girl I've ever gone on a date with so...yea.
I'm definitely going for the Sunday thing. It might be for the best since I have tonsillitis right now anyway haha.
Anyway, after going back and forth for a few minutes in texts I just told her to keep me updated if her work lightens up tonight and we can just grab a drink, nothing crazy just for an hour or so to hang out, and if she can't no worries and we'll stay in touch on Sunday.
Would it be weird to shoot her a text tonight asking how her work is going or something like that? Or just don't do that, and text her Saturday about Sunday. With the usual text on Friday of "How's it going" or should I not do that either?
Perspicacity
Banned
I slept with a girl last weekend after our first date, we had breakfast out, I dropped her off at home and we said it was fun and to do it again soon, then now she's basically ignoring me. Sometimes it just happens.
I'm taking baby steps toward building my confidence. I try to make small talk with girls as we're leaving class ("So how did you do on that test?...) and just be friendly and sociable. One girl asked for my name and I'll try talking to her again and get a number next time. I'm not taking anything seriously, but I do want to build some social skills. I'm 21 and my social life is dead. I'm taking steps to fix that.
electricshake
Member
Maybe she's waiting for you to call/text her? Unless you have already and she hasn't responded - in that case, that sucks.
'Playing it cool' is one thing I really struggle with, although I am getting better at it. I find it hard to be nonchalant but when I like a guy I need reassurance he feels the same - but too much texting or whatever and it comes off as needy and clingy. It's a hard balance to strike.
Perspicacity
Banned
Well she gave me the "Maybe if my friend has to work we can go out" for this Friday. But her replies have been pretty short since then. I think I just have the same issue you just laid out, I'm forcing myself to play it cool when really I just want to ask her straight out what the fuck is up.
Single life sucks.
Are you at FSU? If so, then I know there's plenty of social clubs to join in Tally. Look them up in the FSView. Or if you have the spare time, then try to work somewhere close to campus. I worked at The Loop (closed now, but it was next to Gumbies) when I was at FSU, and met a lot of people there.
Things come up man. Too early to tell if its blowing you off.
I wouldn't write her off yet then. Unless she has no clue how to let you down easy, she shouldn't have said to do something again soon if she didn't mean it. Try to contact her once more and see what happens. After that, then move on.
That's a little different. Sleeping with someone on a first date can sometimes result in feelings of regret for some people. It's very possible she woke up the next day and felt she moved too fast and wants nothing to do with you now. No offense to you, it's just how people are.
HappyBivouac
Member
So this sucks. Girl i'm with is giving in to the overextension of authority of a weird/creepy boss who (very likely, by his words and actions) has a thing for her. I've been dating this girl for a little while and things are going amazingly between us. She works for the campus newspaper, her boss asks her to go to an away game with him on the other side of the country. She's really not comfortable with this guy, and so she asks me to go with her and drive her there. Which is great, I'd love to go with her for a weekend trip to a football game, even if I'm in the stands alone while she works for the paper, and no way am I letting her go alone with this creep. And that's perfectly within our rights and certainly nobody else's business as long as she does her job, right? When people have to go somewhere for work or school or whatever, they often make a trip of it, often with a friend, s/o, or spouse, right? That's completely normal and nobody else's business.
Today he comes out trying to tell her she can't transport herself across the country there with friends, saying "no, you can't drive there with anyone from outside of work." That's not fucking acceptable behavior from him and I'm telling her she should ignore him and do what she wants because it's not his fucking business. She's actually rally uncomfortable with this guy and wants me there for that reason, but now she's close to actually giving in to this asshole.
God damnit, what the fucking fuck.
Today he comes out trying to tell her she can't transport herself across the country there with friends, saying "no, you can't drive there with anyone from outside of work." That's not fucking acceptable behavior from him and I'm telling her she should ignore him and do what she wants because it's not his fucking business. She's actually rally uncomfortable with this guy and wants me there for that reason, but now she's close to actually giving in to this asshole.
God damnit, what the fucking fuck.
Perspicacity
Banned
Coincidentally she just messaged me over the Facebook out of the blue to chat. We set something up for next week <victorytheme>
EDIT: Didn't see you update your post. Meh
Etrian Oddity
Member
My belief comes from objective experiences.Well, if that's what you believe and that's the life you want, I'm not going to stop you
I know you're trying to give advice, but your reality is different from mine. Girls do not approach me; I'm not going to leave it to the <1% off chance that one will, so I will be proactive about my problems.lol I mixed the quotes, sorry.
Who cares about what I said now though, looks like things are ok between you.
HappyBivouac
Member
were you in NYC a few weeks ago? That was my girl, goddamnit.
no, not really. just a friend. it's cool brah
Perspicacity
Banned
She should just confront him on the "you can't drive there with other people thing", ask him what the issue is that prevents you from coming along. Chances are he'll back down or offer up a bullshit excuse which can be countered with facts.
Try and be sure she gets a record of some of his misdoings as well.
Yeah, I think I'm just sort of off-kilter since my break up and more self-conscious about these things. Been over two years since I've had to worry about if a girl likes me or not so I'm reading into everything way too much.
HappyBivouac
Member
She's too nice and non-confrontational to confront him. That's what I'm afraid of. I'm gonna have to man up and step in if it comes down to it, but obviously that's not ideal for her work situation so I'm at a bit of a loss.
Perspicacity
Banned
I mean, she doesn't even really need to "confront" him. Just ask the question.
electricshake
Member
And it's happening to me right now! Fuuuuuuuu
thestopsign
Member
About to go ask my girl if she wants to go on an actual date. Was thinking of saying something along these lines
"Hey ____, I know I'm taking a risk here, because you might just see me as a friend, but I was wondering if you wanted to go on a real date this weekend, just the two of us."
We went on a social date last night with a bunch of friends, so I'm not really sure how she thinks of me, hoping this will clear the air and possibly give me closure if she doesn't like me in that way. I'd give it a 50/50 chance, and hopefully either way I'll be OK with it.
"Hey ____, I know I'm taking a risk here, because you might just see me as a friend, but I was wondering if you wanted to go on a real date this weekend, just the two of us."
We went on a social date last night with a bunch of friends, so I'm not really sure how she thinks of me, hoping this will clear the air and possibly give me closure if she doesn't like me in that way. I'd give it a 50/50 chance, and hopefully either way I'll be OK with it.
Vermillion
Banned
Do it. My friend and I heard this one Australian kid speak in class and we were immediately aware he had his pick of the women. Unfortunately there's nowhere I can go as an American and feel that same way.
Damn.
pheonix991
Neo Member
Asked out the girl I met on the bus... she responds, "I don't think my boyfriend would like that very much."
WELL THANKS FOR FLIRTING WITH ME!
WELL THANKS FOR FLIRTING WITH ME!
I met a girl at the bus stop yesterday. The buses were running late so we looked at each other like WTF when one just drove past us. She said if the bus doesn't come soon, she'd be late, and I asked for what and she said her orgo chem test. I said oh that shit is really hard, and she said yeah thanks for making me feel confident, and I said no, you look prepared, I asked her what was in her hands, and we talked for a little bit after. I asked her where she was from and we talked until the bus came and then once we got on the bus I was too awkward to sit near her and I just put my headphones in and we went our separate ways. She was kinda cute and was laughing at my shitty awkward jokes so I'm assuming she was into me at least a little, and honestly, I'm not looking for a date, I'm looking to just meet someone new, especially a girl because I have 0 friends who are girls now. What was the next step here? I've never asked a girl to lunch and I've gotten probably two numbers in my entire life. Just got out of a really long relationship that took up 1/4 of my life, and I'm not ready for even dating, but I'd like to meet new people.
Tribes of Trusty
Member
Dear GAF,
I just came back from a party, and I'm confused as hell. Also intoxicated, if that's of any importance.
I just came back from a gala. Not the kind of party ala Project X or disco or whatever. We're talking about tuxedos, suits, pretty girls in pretty dresses and only champagne to drink. I must say I was quite handsome in my outfit (or maybe not, but confidence is important).
The party is going well, every one is having fun, including me with the group of friends I came with (males and females). During the party I came to dance with a charming young lady. I kind of like her, and I think she kind of likes me. The dance becomes quite hot, and when I want to take things next level (like just a kiss) she suddendly tells me she has a boyfriend and she doesn't want to do that.
Girl, you would be riding on my cock if it weren't for the clothes we were wearing. Seriously. And now you tell me that ?
So either you're just to shy to tell me to go fuck myself and you don't want to do anything further or either you really have a boyfriend, and in that case, what the fuck ?
I mean, if I were engaged in any kind of relationship, I wouldn't be rubbing my ass on a guy's cock/rubbing myself onto another girl...
I'm really confused right now...maybe I just came upon a peticular person...
I just came back from a party, and I'm confused as hell. Also intoxicated, if that's of any importance.
I just came back from a gala. Not the kind of party ala Project X or disco or whatever. We're talking about tuxedos, suits, pretty girls in pretty dresses and only champagne to drink. I must say I was quite handsome in my outfit (or maybe not, but confidence is important).
The party is going well, every one is having fun, including me with the group of friends I came with (males and females). During the party I came to dance with a charming young lady. I kind of like her, and I think she kind of likes me. The dance becomes quite hot, and when I want to take things next level (like just a kiss) she suddendly tells me she has a boyfriend and she doesn't want to do that.
Girl, you would be riding on my cock if it weren't for the clothes we were wearing. Seriously. And now you tell me that ?
So either you're just to shy to tell me to go fuck myself and you don't want to do anything further or either you really have a boyfriend, and in that case, what the fuck ?
I mean, if I were engaged in any kind of relationship, I wouldn't be rubbing my ass on a guy's cock/rubbing myself onto another girl...
I'm really confused right now...maybe I just came upon a peticular person...
thestopsign
Member
Quick Update: I failed, but I failed with dignity. I actually feel good about asking her now even if it didn't go the way I wanted. It kind of frees my mind up for other girls now. She also wants to go to a play this weekend with me.
No biggie, nice job going for it.
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