Cotton McKnight
Member
Hmmm, OP your choice in friends has something to say about you. Well, as said previously in this thread, "she dodged a bullet there."
Dating someone with 'Bad genes'
- Thread starter Loofy
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John Kowalski
Banned
it's pretty racist to break up with someone because of their genes
……forgetit
Member
1. He's a dick
2. How do you prepare to marry someone without knowing they have a brother with a genetic defect?
2. How do you prepare to marry someone without knowing they have a brother with a genetic defect?
DeathoftheEndless
Crashing this plane... with no survivors!
If he wants to have his own kids someday, then he probably made the right call (if the birth defect is as likely as he thinks).
Tathanen
Get Inside Her!
You people.
It's not even remotely unreasonable for a person to place a high degree of value on their ability to have healthy children. If he found out that there was a significant amount of danger in that, good on him for ending it. I know GAF is notoriously child-hating by and large, but "don't have kids" or "adopt" aren't really fair trade-offs for some people. They weren't married yet, much better to end it now if that's where his values lie. Kinda brutal, but such is life.
It's not even remotely unreasonable for a person to place a high degree of value on their ability to have healthy children. If he found out that there was a significant amount of danger in that, good on him for ending it. I know GAF is notoriously child-hating by and large, but "don't have kids" or "adopt" aren't really fair trade-offs for some people. They weren't married yet, much better to end it now if that's where his values lie. Kinda brutal, but such is life.
terrisus
Member
There are plenty of people here who aren't saying those things, who still think he's being a jerk.
Tathanen
Get Inside Her!
I don't think he's being a jerk. He just has his priorities in order.
DoktorEvil
Banned
He doesn't have his priorities in order. His priorities are skewed. There are options that can be "dont have kids" or "adopt".
Vermillion
Banned
...Don't people hear think that it's fine to break up with someone for sexual reasons? All of this stuff is arbitrary, but means something to someone else in a relationship. Dude's not in the wrong.
John Kowalski
Banned
-COOLIO-
The Everyman
yup.
to each their own.
if anything, the gnenetic traits that make this guy prioritize healthy biological offspring will be more and more predominant in the future now that survival is easy.
Tathanen
Get Inside Her!
For some people, it's easy to just assume you will be able to have healthy kids. When challenged with the reality of a situation wherein you no longer have that certainty, priorities can rapidly clarify for an individual. In this case, he realized having healthy biological children was more important than marrying this specific woman. Maybe if it was someone else he would've made a different choice. But he didn't. I think his priorities are pretty clear.
How on earth is he a jackass? Did I miss a post where he broke up with this woman by saying "bitch I'm out" and dropping a mic?
terrisus
Member
Implying some sort of objective "order" here - no, he doesn't.
air jordans for dogs
Member
I probably wouldn't want to be in a life relationship with someone IF i knew that our child might have a defect like downs.
EdibleExplosives
Member
Your friend sounds like a proper Jeremy Hunt.
terrisus
Member
There are people who aren't making that assumption who still thinks he's being a jerk.
He's obviously at his liberty to make that decision.
It may be the right decision for him.
That doesn't preclude other people from thinking that he's a jerk.
Tathanen
Get Inside Her!
Who said they're objective? Priorities are entirely subjective, defined by the person who has them. For him, this was more important. You don't get to declare that "no, friend, you should have stayed with this woman who you value less than prospective biological children." You are yourself imposing some kind of objective order of priorities upon him.
"You're a jerk for wrestling with a difficult situation and ultimately choosing the option that plays to what you find the most important." Yeah what a sack of crap.
John Kowalski
Banned
There's not enough tact in the world to make breaking off with someone because they can't bet on their kids being healthy not a jackass thing to do.
terrisus
Member
People are free to make decisions for themselves, yes.
Again, that doesn't preclude other people from thinking those decisions make the person a jerk.
Tathanen
Get Inside Her!
Are you gonna tell me WHY you think he's a jerk, or just keep ticking off "nope that's not why" boxes?
What if he's against abortion and doesn't want to take a risk...
Random Painted HIghway
Member
Unless you have zero other options, you are a fool if you want kids and don't take this into consideration.
Corronchilejano
Member
It's pretty natural if you think about it, as cruel as it may sound.
EDIT: Racist? Geneist... or something like that.
terrisus
Member
Because of valuing some vague "This person might give a potential offspring a defect" as being more important than any other characteristic about a person he otherwise "loves"
DoktorEvil
Banned
I'm with John here.
Well I think the guy should've look into more options instead of just breaking up and saying it's all over. Especially if this girl was really something special.
On the other hand I can't fault him for being wary with someone with "bad genes". I would talk to an expert first and see the probabilities. But someone in the thread mentioned Huntington's disease. That illness and other's like it, would cause me to absolutely not reproduce with a mate because of the high probabilities associated with it.
Unless the bad genes of the affected individual could be separated in some way.
On the other hand I can't fault him for being wary with someone with "bad genes". I would talk to an expert first and see the probabilities. But someone in the thread mentioned Huntington's disease. That illness and other's like it, would cause me to absolutely not reproduce with a mate because of the high probabilities associated with it.
Unless the bad genes of the affected individual could be separated in some way.
Heaven's Thunder Hammer
Neo Member
For all these people suggesting adoption, just how many of you HAVE adopted or even LOOKED at going through the process?
In my jurisdiction, if you want to adopt through the state, prepare to spend being treated like a criminal child molester for a year until proven innocent. And then you have to actually find a kid FOR adoption. Or you know, one could find a partner and have a baby in that same time period. Incentives matter.
In my jurisdiction, if you want to adopt through the state, prepare to spend being treated like a criminal child molester for a year until proven innocent. And then you have to actually find a kid FOR adoption. Or you know, one could find a partner and have a baby in that same time period. Incentives matter.
-COOLIO-
The Everyman
who's worse in your eyes? this guy or or people who break up with their SOs over decreased libido?
Tathanen
Get Inside Her!
The fundamental biological driving factor for any male/female pairing is the producing of offspring. Obviously it's far more nuanced than that for plenty of people, but you can't treat "she can't guarantee me healthy kids" as some kind of weird trivial thing for a person to be concerned about. It's pretty fundamental, whether or not you're personally an outlier who doesn't care about it. When you're with someone you visualize your future with them, it seems pretty clear that this guy saw a future that involved his own kids. That's not just some "vague" little thing, not an "oh, oh well" kind of footnote. The entirety of his future probably came crashing down before his eyes, and however much he loved this woman, it just couldn't overcome that. Maybe if he realized this after being married to her for five years, things would have gone down differently. Maybe his priorities and values would have weighed out differently. But pre-marriage? Potentially after a relatively brief relationship? This is how it shook out.
There's more to relationships than "love."
What's the alternative? Push it deep down inside, hoping it doesn't grow into a horrible sense of dread about the future? Compromise what you care about because you don't want to make her sad? Sometimes relationships end, the instigator isn't inherently a jerk. There are a LOT of assumptions being made here about the nature of this engagement, I think the fact that he was able to break this off makes it clear that he wasn't as deeply connected to this woman as it's being made out.
He's a dumbass, not an asshole. Does the girl even carry the gene? It's super cheap to get 23andme to check for that. Why wouldn't he talk to her about it? "Hurting feelings" is such a cowardly excuse for just having an adult conversation, which I'm *sure* she's though about as well. That and for most diseases, there are only hand-wavy risk factors, which aren't even well-delineated. Genomics at this point is still in its infancy in terms of having good predictors. And there are genetic counselors who specialize in this stuff. Unless it's something like Huntington's disease, breaking up with her is incredibly dumb. Even then, it's not even certain that she's a carrier. People can be really dumb. Good news for her.
You can do IVF, which has a preimplantation genetic diagnosis screening step. It is expensive, though.
DoktorEvil
Banned
Both are equally offensive in my eyes, but I see marriage as more of a financial partnership than the whole love is bliss bullshit that gets thrown around Hallmark cards.
This is another thing. Genetics in the human population are becoming more messed up because of the quality of Healthcare.
So really in 50 years, finding somebody without some strong genetic mutations will be very difficult.
Wonder what would happen if this guy had a child with a "healthy" woman, but the child ends up with birth defects or something else. Women don't usually get muscular dystrophy, but they can carry the gene. What if the woman had a great-great-great grandfather that had muscular dystrophy, but there have only female descendants on that side of the family? There's no guarantees. It's clear this girl wasn't the "woman of his dreams" much less someone he loved.
What does healthcare have to do with genetics?
edit: if you're suggesting that there is a higher rate in mutagenesis, that would have to be something environmental. Healthcare has literally nothing to do with these rates- want to talk about depleted uranium? Now there's a conversation.
-COOLIO-
The Everyman
and that's fair, but i suspect that the majority of posters on here would encourage X to move on if X's SO didn't put out any more.
I don't know if I would have left her, but I can understand the decision. If chances are high that a child will be born with a debilitating genetic disorder, and both parents aren't willing to screen and abort, it's probably best to split. I think it's reprehensible to knowingly invite that kind of suffering into the world.
If both sides are okay with adoption, then it's obviously not a problem. But expecting everyone to be cool with that is ridiculous.
If both sides are okay with adoption, then it's obviously not a problem. But expecting everyone to be cool with that is ridiculous.
Yes but it seems like the assumption that the guy is a jackass is most likely correct. He should have told her why.
I don't think he has his priorities in order at least from how the OP makes it sound.
terrisus
Member
1) You're wrong about the first part
2) Thinking the bolded is a jerk thing to think. It's a jerk thing to think even if it actually happened - it's even more of a jerk thing to think just because "it might possibly happen."
It may be (obviously is) his priority.
It may be your priority.
It is not everyone's priority.
And other people are free to think his priorities make him a jerk.
terrisus
Member
That people with genetic problems are being kept alive and reproducing who otherwise would have died without reproducing.
Tathanen
Get Inside Her!
1) I'm not, but "okay"
2) I am not sure why you need to keep affirming your right to have an opinion.
Really? I would never encourage someone to break up with their SO if they're not putting out. I think there are a lot of things that make a relationship and having sex regularly isn't quite the "thing" that would make me leave/ecourage someone else to leave.
A friend of mine and his wife haven't had sex in almost 5 years - they're in their mid 30s. He hates it, but he hasn't left yet. He thinks about it a lot, but if there's no sex there, there's a lot bigger things going than just him not getting laid. (And there are. She's a bit of a fruitcake, but that's another story.)
terrisus
Member
Hence why I said "may," not "is."
This topic is about people's opinions on someone else's decision.
What did you expect to be happening in this topic?
Tathanen
Get Inside Her!
What? I responded to you saying my "first part" was wrong. There was no "may" or "is" involved.
No shit. Saying "I'm allowed to have my opinion" isn't a discussion, I am not sure why you feel the need to keep repeating it. It's pretty implicit.
RedBullEnergy
Member
Where does it end? Jolie in the news today seems in keeping with this.. Would this guy date, love, marry someone who had a 80% chance of developing certain cancer because its in her genes? Slippery slope.
Dating sites will be giving options on including being screened on your profile next.
Dating sites will be giving options on including being screened on your profile next.
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