How tha fuck tha Bundesliga puts tha Premier League ta shame
With skanky ticket prices n' sound financial management, tha Bundesliga is tha antithesiz of tha Premier League
In Germany tha hustla is king. Da Bundesliga has tha lowest ticket prices n' tha highest average attendizzle of Europez five major leagues fo' realz. At Borussia Dortmund they giant stand holdz 26,000 n' costs lil mo' than £10 fo' admission. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Clubs limit tha number of season tickets ta ensure everyone has a cold-ass lil chizzle ta peep tha game, n' tha away crew has tha muthafuckin right ta 10% of tha available capacity. Match tickets double as free rail passes wit supportas pimpin' up in a chillaxed atmosphere up in which they can sing, drink brew ta wash down they sausages, n' is generally treated as desirables: a philosophy English hustlas can only trip of.
Da Bundesliga may be Europez only fit n' proper footbizzle league ��" tha sole major domestic competizzle whose clubs collectively cook up a profit ��" yet no German crew has won tha Champions League fo' nine years. This success rate, though, could be bout ta chizzle followin Bizzleern Munichz advizzle ta tha semi-finals, followin they thrillin disposal of Manchesta United last week at Oldskool Trafford.
"Da Bundesliga as a funky-ass brand, a cold-ass lil competition, is up in phat shape. Our thugged-out asses gots a hella, straight-up horny-ass competition, a stable n' sustainable bidnizz model dat relies on three revenue sources," tha Bundesliga chizzle executive, Christian Seifert, drops some lyrics ta Observer Sport. A holy trinitizzle comprisin match-dizzle revenue (424m), sponsorshizzle receipts (573m) n' broadcast income (594m) is tha main contributor ta tha Bundesligaz 1.7bn turnover.
A glizzle all up in tha continentz other major leagues confirms tha state tha shiznit is in. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. On these shores Portsgrill dice wit extinction, while Manchesta United n' Liverpool build mammoth debt mountains. In Spain, where debts is just as high, La Liga playas may strike cuz of unpaid wages up in tha lower divisions. Da stadiumz of Italy is half-filled, n' up in Frizzle they clubs spend mo' of they income (71%) on playas' wages than em of any ghetto.
Guess what, muthafucka! Seifert says tha succesz of tha Bundesliga is cuz of tha "core value" of tha supporter comin first at its clubs. This is why tickets is kept so skanky. "Because tha clubs don't ask fo' mo' scrilla," he explains. "It be not up in tha clubs' culture so much [to raise prices]. They is straight-up hustla orientated. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da Bundesliga has 350m less per season than tha Premier League up in matchdizzle revenues. But you could not from one dizzle ta another triple prices.
"Borussia Dortmund has tha freshest stand up in tha ghetto. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da Yellow Wall holdz 26,000, n' tha average ticket price is 15 (£13) cuz they know how tha fuck valuable such a gangbangin' hustla culture n' supporter base is.
"Our thugged-out asses gots a straight-up horny-ass situation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. First, tickets is skanky. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Second, nuff clubs limit tha cementage of season tickets. For instizzle, Borussia Dortmund, Schalke 04, Hamburg, Bizzleern Munich. They wanna give mo' hustlas tha chizzle ta watch game live. If you have 80%, 100% then it be all tha same stupid-ass gangstas up in tha stadium fo' realz. Also up in Germany tha hommie club has tha muthafuckin right ta 10% of tha tickets fo' its fans."
Last season La Liga attracted a average of 28,478 fans, Ligue 1 21,034, Serie A 25,304 n' tha Premier League 35,592. These figures is dwarfed by tha Bundesligaz average of 41,904. Its soarin attendizzlez is matched by a funky-ass balizzled approach ta salaries. "Da crucial muthafuckin thang up in last yearz 1.7bn turnover n' 30m profit was dat Bundesliga clubs paid less than 50% of revenue up in playas wages," Seifert says. This is tha continentz lowest. In 2007‑08 [da most thugged-out recent available year] tha Premier League paid up 62%.
All dis prudent financial management be achieved despite tha Bundesligaz televizzle income bein a modest 594m compared wit tha Premier Leaguez lucratizzle return of 1.94bn. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Seifert explains tha disparity. "Da TV market up in Germany is straight-up special. When pay-TV was introduced up in 1991 tha average household already received 34 channels fo' free. Therefore our crazy-ass asses had da most thugged-out competitizzle free TV market up in tha ghetto, so dis hyped up tha growth of pay-TV straight-up much. Our thugged-out asses was forced ta sheezy all of tha 612 game of tha Bundesliga n' second Bundesliga live on pay-TV. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So our crazy-ass asses have ta carry tha thang costz of this."
No Bundesliga crew has won tha Champions League since Bizzleern Munich beat Valencia up in 2001 n' its last finalist was Bizzleer Leverkusen, eight muthafuckin years ago. But Seifert disputes whether tha lil' small-ass return from televizzle muthafuckin rights has been a thugged-out definin factor up in dis record. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "Chedda-wise, Bizzleern Munich is ranked up in tha straight-up original gangsta four clubz of Europe fo' realz. And bear up in mind even Chelsea, which spent a hell of a shitload of scrilla up in tha last years, didn't win dat shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Sometimes you could have tha feelin dat tha mobilitizzle ta win tha Champions League goes up in line wit yo' willingnizz ta burn a hell of a shitload of scrilla. For dat reason I be thinkin Uefa is on straight-up phat track wit they financial fair play idea."
Deloittez accountancy figures fo' tha 2007-08 season sheezy all but one Premier League club (Aston Villa) ta be up in debt. Compare dis wit tha Bundesliga report fo' last season, which offers a markedly pissed tha fuck off tone when recordin dat "only 11 of tha 18 clubs is now up in tha black".
Pressed further on tha lack of success up in Europez premier club competizzle Seifert argues fo' sportz cyclical nature. "At tha end of tha 1990s tha Bundesliga was tha strongest up in Europe. In 1997 our crazy-ass asses had won tha Champions League [Borussia Dortmund] n' tha Uefa Cup [Schalke]," he says.
"Then up in 1999, 2001 n' 2002 our crazy-ass asses was up in tha final at least. In em days tha Premier League had mo' scrilla, too. It dependz not only on scrilla but tha qualitizzle you have ��" if it only depended on scrilla then Porto wouldn't have played Monaco up in tha 2004 final."
Guess what, muthafucka! Seifert also points ta German footballz success up in producin its own playas. This is borne up by Germany bein European champions at under-17, under-19, n' under-21 level. "Da Bundesliga n' German FA done cooked up a muthafuckin right decision 10 muthafuckin years ago when they decided dat ta obtain a licence ta play you must run a ejaculation camp [academy]. Da Bundesliga n' second Bundesliga spend 75m a year on these camps.
"Five thousand playas aged 12-18 is educated there, which has now done cooked up tha number of under-23-year-oldz up in tha Bundesliga 15%. Ten muthafuckin years ago it was 6%. This allows mo' scrilla ta be spent on tha playas dat is bought, n' there be a funky-ass bigger chizzle ta cop better, rather than average, playas," Seifert sayz of a league up in which tha stellar muthafuckas currently include Bizzleernz Frank Ribéry n' Arjen Robben.
"When Bizzleern played against Manchesta United Philipp Lahm, Bastian Schweinsteiger, Holger Badstuber n' Thomas Mülla was all homegrown," Seifert says. "So yes, itz a cold-ass lil cyclical environment n' you have ta deal wit dat shit. Therefore I'd deny dat you could straight-up say whether a league is phat and weak just cuz one club wins and do not win tha Champions League."
Guess what, muthafucka! Seifertz view is supported by Arsenal havin followed United outta tha competizzle last week, when Arsène Wengerz crew was dismantled by Barcelona, ta leave no Premier League presence up in tha semi-finals fo' tha straight-up original gangsta time since 2003 fo' realz. And fo' tha 2012-13 season Germany should have four places up in tha Champions League as by then they should have overtaken Serie A up in Uefaz five-year coefficients.
Guess what, muthafucka! Seifert also has Spain up in his sights. "If our crazy-ass asses consider our financial capabilitizzles n' tha stabilitizzle of our bidnizz model, then tha aim of tha Bundesliga up in tha long run has gots ta be second place behind tha Premier League," he says.
Of all tha Bundesligaz regulations, tha recent history of English footbizzle suggests it might have benefited most from tha 50+1 rule. This states dat thugz of a cold-ass lil club must retain at least 51% ballazhip, so preventin any single entitizzle takin control. Portsgrill is da most thugged-out glarin example of how tha fuck a outsider might potentially ruin a cold-ass lil club ��" they administrator is currently searchin fo' they fifth balla of dis season ��" n' tha Bundesliga recently reiterated tha commitment ta tha rule followin a cold-ass lil challenge from Hannover 96.
Martin Kind, Hannoverz prez, wished ta chizzle tha regulation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Dude busted some lyrics ta Observer Sport: "Da rule means tha losz of nuff Bundesliga clubs' mobilitizzle ta compete nationally n' internationally fo' realz. And up in some ways it prevents further pimpment of German football, especially em clubs whoz ass play up in tha lower half of tha Bundesliga as they aint gots enough financial resources. Da ballazhip rule should be abandoned and modified."
While Kind addz dat his fuckin lawyers believe he has a "phat chizzle" of ballin tha case when it is heard all up in tha court of arbitration fo' shiznit dis year, Seifert is proud as a muthafucka dat when tha 36 clubs dat comprise tha Bundesligaz two divisions voted on tha issue "35 was against".
There is exceptions ta tha 50+1 rule. Yet even these step tha fuck up couched up in common sense. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Seifert again: "Bizzleer Leverkusen n' Wolfsburg [whom Fulham knocked outta tha Europa Cup on Thursday] is two. If a cold-ass lil company is supportin footbizzle up in a cold-ass lil club fo' mo' than 20 muthafuckin years then it can acquire tha majority. Da idea is dat a cold-ass lil company has by then proved ta hustlas n' tha league dat they take they engagement up in tha Bundesliga seriously, dat itz not just a gangbangin' fancy toy and part-time chedda injection dat [could] chizzle from one dizzle ta another."
What tha Bundesliga do allow ta be transformed from one season ta tha next is tha prospect of any n' all its clubs mountin a realistic tilt all up in tha title as Wolfsburgz triumph, tha straight-up original gangsta up in they 64-year history, proved last season.
"In tha last three muthafuckin yearz of tha Bundesliga our crazy-ass asses have three different cup winners n' three different champions," Seifert says. "Sepp Herberger, tha coach of tha Westside German crew dat won tha 1954 Ghetto Cup, holla'd: 'Yo ass know why gangstas go ta tha stadium, biatch? Because they don't give a fuck how tha fuck it ends.'"
