Gay and Bisexual Coming-out thread |OT|
- Thread starter Replicant
- Start date
- Status
ZephyrFate
Banned
If I were a straight guy meeting someone like Jack I'd probably slap him.
If I were me meeting someone like Jack I'd probably slap him.
If I were me meeting someone like Jack I'd probably slap him.
D
Deleted member 30609
Unconfirmed Member
b-b-b-bullshitruffles said:
Sorry._Isaac said:I told her exactly that. It was offensive and disrespectful. She only did it more.Eh oh well. I think I did better this time than last time.
*hug/comfort*Only suggestion is be more forceful next time and never stop telling her how that makes you feel. Maybe eventually she'll get it through her head and knock it off.
Try not to feel guilty, it was not your fault in any way, and you couldn't have done anything to stop it. Sorry for your loss though, and the rough time you are having.DarthWufei said:
That's terrible, sorry you have to put up with that._Isaac said:I told her exactly that. It was offensive and disrespectful. She only did it more.
ZephyrFate
Banned
And I'd probably yell, "Man up!" too. He needs it.i_am_ben said:
Siebzehn50
Member
ruffles said:
How do you figure that?
It's better to be honest about your life and face some unpleasant consequences than lie and live a charade.
I'm not looking forward to telling my parents very much. At some point it'll have to be done, but it's something that could unalterably shape their view of me. There's a lot of internal pressure to not screw it up (though in my parents' case, they may take it exceedingly poorly no matter how I present it). I'll run into a looot of religious presuppositions and general misconceptions right out of the gate.
D
Deleted member 30609
Unconfirmed Member
As if he wasn't already Jeff's perfect man.
fragilebroken
Neo Member
I'm not saying my experience was terrible or anything. My family and closest friends (and everyone on Facebook, thanks to the HRC) know I'm bisexual and all took it to be no big deal. I didn't flat out say it to some of them, but it got around, like it does.
It took me a long time to come to this conclusion, though. When I was younger I think I mistook my attraction to women as envy and dismissed it. I figured it would make too much sense for me to be a lesbian given a bit of my childhood. However, when I first starting mentioning that I might be attracted to women it was to my rugby teammates and they pretty much ignored me because I had had a boyfriend for a while. I had a conversation with one of them that went like this:
*she complains no one would kiss her*I volunteer* "You don't count, you're straight!" * "At least one of us is sure about that." *
After that I filed away the wanting to kiss girls thing in the "oh well" part of my brain for a while.
I told a couple friends first, one of whom admitted to a long-time crush she never acted on because she didn't want to mess up our friendship. I was a little annoyed because she had spent all that time telling me I wasn't her type. Yeah, I'd never been with a girl, but I knew I wanted to. I figured if I kept denying it it would never happen. Nothing did for a few years after that, but I started getting used to the idea.
A couple summers ago I posted on Twitter that maybe I should come out to my family. Only one of my sisters-in-law follows me, but she immediate took interest. We talked about it in front of one of my other brothers. The main question was "Huh? What about Eric?" Once I clarified, nobody thought it was a big deal.
Out of who I've told there's more of an issue with being in a quasi-open relationship than with the fact that some days I'd rather sleep with a girl. My bf accepts that and has been encouraging me to find a girlfriend, or at least get some action. He really seems okay with it, but I wouldn't be if the situation were reversed, so I wonder sometimes. The relationship is open for either of us, but basically I'm only for that because I'm against double-standards. Maybe I'm just insecure.
Sorry, I seriously tried to make this short.
It took me a long time to come to this conclusion, though. When I was younger I think I mistook my attraction to women as envy and dismissed it. I figured it would make too much sense for me to be a lesbian given a bit of my childhood. However, when I first starting mentioning that I might be attracted to women it was to my rugby teammates and they pretty much ignored me because I had had a boyfriend for a while. I had a conversation with one of them that went like this:
*she complains no one would kiss her*I volunteer* "You don't count, you're straight!" * "At least one of us is sure about that." *
After that I filed away the wanting to kiss girls thing in the "oh well" part of my brain for a while.
I told a couple friends first, one of whom admitted to a long-time crush she never acted on because she didn't want to mess up our friendship. I was a little annoyed because she had spent all that time telling me I wasn't her type. Yeah, I'd never been with a girl, but I knew I wanted to. I figured if I kept denying it it would never happen. Nothing did for a few years after that, but I started getting used to the idea.
A couple summers ago I posted on Twitter that maybe I should come out to my family. Only one of my sisters-in-law follows me, but she immediate took interest. We talked about it in front of one of my other brothers. The main question was "Huh? What about Eric?" Once I clarified, nobody thought it was a big deal.
Out of who I've told there's more of an issue with being in a quasi-open relationship than with the fact that some days I'd rather sleep with a girl. My bf accepts that and has been encouraging me to find a girlfriend, or at least get some action. He really seems okay with it, but I wouldn't be if the situation were reversed, so I wonder sometimes. The relationship is open for either of us, but basically I'm only for that because I'm against double-standards. Maybe I'm just insecure.
Sorry, I seriously tried to make this short.
Thanks for the post. I think bi girls get a pretty hard time from lesbians in general, judging from the dykes I know. Even worse than the boys.fragilebroken said:
As for open relationships, it's good you realise the hypocrisy of only one side being open, but if you truly are not okay with it, it's better to tell him and be a hypocrite than have him do something and you be jealous, or him to feel you are just saying it is okay so you can explore.
I have had 2 open relationships, one worked well, we broke up for other reasons, but one was a disaster. Communication is key.
But hey, enough lecturing from me.
YES! That phrase has been thrown around so much it has lost all meaning.i_am_ben said:
I came out to my mom and let her tell everyone. xP Coming out is hard even if you're completely comfortable with your sexuality. Well, it was for me, anyway. I'm just a pretty private guy in general. Also, it's easier to let the fact slip soon after you meet someone for the first time. It's just really awkward to tell people you've known for 10 or 20 years that they've always assumed one thing about you and it's wrong. Especially if that one thing essentially means what you're sexually attracted to. Like fat ladies.GCX said:
Butt pirates!Alcoori said:
ZephyrFate
Banned
Straight-acting still has meaning.
Siebzehn50
Member
ZephyrFate said:
It has meaning yes, but it's based on (negative) stereotypes of gay/bisexual people.
It's a ridiculous term that shouldn't be used.
D
Deleted member 30609
Unconfirmed Member
straight-acting is a putrid, loathsome term
sorry, the pirate talk has set me back into storybook-english mode
sorry, the pirate talk has set me back into storybook-english mode
this whole not being able to state what kind of men we like is so rude and un-empathetic
talk about splitting up a community, i love all gay men but to be honest im more attracted to masculine guys
why is everyone who states that preference being made out to be bad?
im not that effeminate and yet i feel like i should feel bad because of the way you guys ALWAYS talk down about the term straight acting, or masculine or less effeminate
there's no such thing as being more gay, but there is such a thing as being more effeminate or masculine
talk about splitting up a community, i love all gay men but to be honest im more attracted to masculine guys
why is everyone who states that preference being made out to be bad?
im not that effeminate and yet i feel like i should feel bad because of the way you guys ALWAYS talk down about the term straight acting, or masculine or less effeminate
there's no such thing as being more gay, but there is such a thing as being more effeminate or masculine
Straight-acting to me means not acting like the overblown stereotypical gay man that the media loves to portray. Or as someone else in this or the other thread put it - the campy gay man that is apparently the face of our community.
For all the hate that campy gays get; is it any surprise there is a real use for this term? Since these guys are so loud, there has to be an equally loud descriptor to distance gay men in the community who DON'T identify with campy gays.
Campy gays really are second class citizens in the community partly through their own fault.
For all the hate that campy gays get; is it any surprise there is a real use for this term? Since these guys are so loud, there has to be an equally loud descriptor to distance gay men in the community who DON'T identify with campy gays.
Campy gays really are second class citizens in the community partly through their own fault.
Siebzehn50
Member
I couldn't care less if somebody is effeminate, I just don't like the term straight acting.
It suggests that people like me (not effeminate at all) are putting on a show in order to not be seen as gay/bi to other people. The "out and proud" type tend to look down on us because we aren't wearing out sexuality on our sleeve.
It suggests that people like me (not effeminate at all) are putting on a show in order to not be seen as gay/bi to other people. The "out and proud" type tend to look down on us because we aren't wearing out sexuality on our sleeve.
runlikehell
Banned
I'd use terms like masculine or effeminate, sure.
But 'straight-acting'? It's totally self-degrading. You're basically saying 'I'm acting like a straight person would typically act, but I'm gay.' in a way that makes gay people who don't act that way appear lesser than you because they don't act like how you or society expect them to.
But 'straight-acting'? It's totally self-degrading. You're basically saying 'I'm acting like a straight person would typically act, but I'm gay.' in a way that makes gay people who don't act that way appear lesser than you because they don't act like how you or society expect them to.
runlikehell
Banned
Yeah that's what I wanted to say, I just couldn't figure out how to write it!FoneBone said:
Koomaster said:
Lol?
Saying I'm masculine/effeminate is just stating a fact. Like others just wrote, saying I'm straight-acting is derogatory. Whenever I see someone using the term straight-acting, I'm just thinking that this person must not be totally OK with being gay, like somehow not being effeminate is a redeeming quality for them being flawed.
When people will stop worrying about the way they are gonna look if they like knitting instead of playing football, maybe such term will just be laughed at.
And anyway, is there such a thing as one way to act straight?
What if you don't really 'fit in' or identify with the gay community at all. How in the world do you describe yourself? I think straight acting is a very practical term; it's a quick way to get across that you aren't the stereotypical flaming gay man.
Also what is wrong with saying being gay is just a small part of who you are? That should hopefully be accurate. Most people have a lot more going on about themselves than just their sexuality. Who in the world defines their whole being as 'gay'?
'Yep, I'm gay, nothing else you need to know about me, you've probably seen movies and tv shows that feature gay characters, so you've got the basic idea of who I am.' :lol
You guys are getting too caught up in terms that aren't meant to be offensive. Like I said, the stereotype is so loud, sometimes you need an equally loud descriptor to counter act that. So a term like straight-acting gets across what you mean perfectly fine.
Also what is wrong with saying being gay is just a small part of who you are? That should hopefully be accurate. Most people have a lot more going on about themselves than just their sexuality. Who in the world defines their whole being as 'gay'?
'Yep, I'm gay, nothing else you need to know about me, you've probably seen movies and tv shows that feature gay characters, so you've got the basic idea of who I am.' :lol
You guys are getting too caught up in terms that aren't meant to be offensive. Like I said, the stereotype is so loud, sometimes you need an equally loud descriptor to counter act that. So a term like straight-acting gets across what you mean perfectly fine.
krypt0nian
Banned
Straight-acting is kinda foolish.
Just say what you mean and no one is demeaned in the process. If you like masculine guys, that's fine. Just like if you care more for less butch guys. More power to you!
I myself am only really attracted to hypermasculine alpha male guys. Most who call themselves masculine don't score a bleep on my radar. I have a severe Daddy fetish and that's with a capital D. I've seen so many leather dads that fall off the pedestal once they open their mouth and the talk turns to Desperate Housewives.
Now personally I love DH but it shatters the illusion for me when a hyperbutch guy flames out.
Just a preference but it's a strong deep set one.
Just say what you mean and no one is demeaned in the process. If you like masculine guys, that's fine. Just like if you care more for less butch guys. More power to you!
I myself am only really attracted to hypermasculine alpha male guys. Most who call themselves masculine don't score a bleep on my radar. I have a severe Daddy fetish and that's with a capital D. I've seen so many leather dads that fall off the pedestal once they open their mouth and the talk turns to Desperate Housewives.
Now personally I love DH but it shatters the illusion for me when a hyperbutch guy flames out.
Just a preference but it's a strong deep set one.
badcrumble
Member
I deeply prefer - on those weird occasions when people feel a need to fully describe themselves to total strangers, I suppose - "I'm gay, and..." over "I'm gay, but...".
Alcoori said:
This. It's a huge pet peeve of mine whenever I meet guys online or in person for the first time and they frequently feel the need to say how straight acting they are. Hell, even once would be too much. I don't know when this trend started but I wish it would stop. Why people feel the need to describe themselves as they see fit (which, btw is often not even correct) is beyond me. You are what you are, let people see you for that rather than have them tell you themselves.
/rant
badcrumble
Member
"Don't worry. I'm one of the good ones."
Koomaster, I don't know what the community has done to you but you clearly have something against it.
When I think of the gay community I don't think about the gay scene. The gay community is just made up of everyone who identifies as gay (plus the closet case). That's it.
The gay scene is another matter.
And of course people have more going on about themselves than being gay, but it's in my mind equally important as anything else. When people talk about how small a part of them it is, it just feels that they're trying to make it the smallest possible so that they can be normal.
Wilhelmina + DH = <3
When I think of the gay community I don't think about the gay scene. The gay community is just made up of everyone who identifies as gay (plus the closet case). That's it.
The gay scene is another matter.
And of course people have more going on about themselves than being gay, but it's in my mind equally important as anything else. When people talk about how small a part of them it is, it just feels that they're trying to make it the smallest possible so that they can be normal.
Wilhelmina + DH = <3
badcrumble
Member
I'm gay, generally masculine in demeanor (though I don't particularly go out of my way to hedge to that side of the line) and attracted to masculine guys, I've got plenty of gay friends who run through much of that whole spectrum (if we're going to be silly and assume it's strictly linear) and I was raised by two New England lesbians. I had a terrifically easy time coming out, and as a result I recognize that I have it a hell of a lot easier than basically 99% of the gay community. As such, you bet your ass I'm going to avoid saying things that effectively treat effeminate guys - or any guys who don't hew to some oppressive Log Cabin ideal - like second-class citizens.
krypt0nian
Banned
Koomaster said:
Bu-but I said I love it.
*hangs on tightly to gay membership card*
I would never treat more effeminate gays badly in any way. I just don't prefer to fuck them.
So far...
Siebzehn50
Member
I think somewhere along they way we conflated effeminate guys with loud drama queens.
badcrumble
Member
I consider myself an introverted, intellectual, masculine drama queen.
ZephyrFate
Banned
Because sexuality should define us, of course. It should be as visible as skin color, am I right?FoneBone said:
Sexuality should only be a small part of anyone's character, and that's that.
a. Like I already said, you will never, ever see a heterosexual distance him or herself from their orientation that way.ZephyrFate said:
b. Why is it inherently undesirable for it to be visible or a large part of someone's character? Does it threaten you if someone somewhere does make it "as visible as skin color"?
This sort of stuff reeks of internalized homophobia and insecurity to me.
ZephyrFate
Banned
This isn't a distancing, it's that I don't believe sexuality is something that defines someone; what you do in the bedroom is none of my business straight or gay.FoneBone said:
You can call it internalized homophobia all you want, doesn't necessarily make it true. I don't believe sexuality defines anyone, nor should it be a characteristic that people should label you as. I'm not known as "gay", I'm first and foremost known by my name, or a more important characteristic of my life, such as my ability to write well.
- Status